No, OF COURSE you don't!...them's fightin' words

James, It feels like to me, that ever since I have been convinced inside that I must lead and not wait for the "man of the house"(the head - which was taught in my home and religions) that I am given the choice to see the places within our daily interactions to begin lifting up the rug to help us see/feel what lies underneath it. I used to see these choices earlier on in our marriage, but waited upon him to be the one to want to talk about what was obvious to me.  I would become angry because I thought he was avoiding what to me was like someone took a crap right in the middle of the living room, but now I am beginning to really see that his sense of smell could not pick it up unless I would be willing to step up and  share my own expressions of what the crap I saw was bringing up in me.

Using this analogy, I find I have times that I want to smear the crap right under his nose which brings up all of my own desire to control and manipulate him into trying to make him see how I see it and feel how I feel it. Why? It leads right back to my own desire to stay away from my feelings of powerlessness...which feels like quicksand. Each time I am willing to go into that, taking time to feel all of the worry, "nothing's every gonna change" thoughts that come along for the ride, I find my own work back on track. Nine times out of ten, without any controlling or manipulation from me, my husband's ability to pick up the scent now of the poo that I tried to make him see is activated. I find him alongside, like out of a trance.  

I don't write this as a formula, but instead as a finding of how easily I can slide into my mode of thinking that me "leading" is to make him see and make him smell instead of describing to him what I see and smell and then moving deeper into my own feelings that surround that.  This voice of superiority, so off-putting to me that steps up on it's soapbox and tells me what an idiot I am is slowly but surely offering me the mirroring I need to really take in.  My own deep fears of feeling my own shit has been combatted by keeping my distance with intellectual descriptions of what's going on instead of allowing myself to get swallowed up in the feeling-quicksand. 

When I lead (with the desire already stirring in me to do my own feeling work), it takes me being willing to lift the rug knowing that when I do, I will be met most often with resistance from my husband...sometimes in a forceful way other times with more of a sigh with no need for words to relay, "Here we go again."  I have to go through what it was like for me around my dad/mom -  feeling what kind of walls they used to keep my emotional self out away from them. Ultimately, if I say I am willing to take the real woman's place in the home, I have to be open to feeling into all of the rejection for wanting to be seen and heard.  It's like smelling the shit underneath the rug and lifting it each time knowing it must take me into the rejection meat grinder.

What's crazy about this is how the desire to want to willingly walk into the quicksand and meat grinder increases as I open the door to I-never-know-where, when I lift up the rug.  What I do always know is that in lifting it up, I will have opportunities that I could never have to do my own feeling work if I didn't.  I guess it's like learning to "eat my vegetables" not because I have a parent who will punish me if I don't, but because I can feel in my body the desire for them, sensing the kind of nutrition and health that they are waiting to bring into me if I open up to eating them.

I am curious to hear more James from you about how it is from your side as Marion has led in your home.  You made comment of how my writing about the last event brings back the memories of what you want to forget.  If you would share some more and have the desire to, I would love to hear.



 

This, to me is what releases us from the despairing co-dependency(no longer feeding off from one another in order to thrive but living off from our own feelings and becoming willing to feel all the pain from all our years of living cut off from ourselves).  If you want to wake up to all that is evil within a relationship, this will do it  So incredibly beautiful the way she puts it.
And I would have to say that as I am seeing  this for myself, I find this way of living the answer to the question I have wanted to know forever concerning my life purpose (why the hell should I want to get out of bed in the morning!?)  This is what I will be doing as I live my days here no longer abandoning my own life (abandoning by desiring to stay blind and numb), but now actually living it (asking to see the truth, wanting to feel through the repressed pain)...not just in black and white but now in full living color as my feelings light up my life path.  The more I get the sense of how all pervasive the evil is in me and how asking for the truth and feeling my feelings frees me from it bit by bit by bit, I can't fathom that I'd have any life energy left over to do anything else if I stay true to this course.  It does obliterate the ego and it's desire to accomplish what it would call "big and important" things. I believe we highly underestimate what power there is in not crossing over the line, staying with what is personally surfacing within us, and allowing it to lead us onward out of our evil snake skins and into where ever our feelings take us there after.  It's what I feel and what inspires me, this sense of "Darlin' you keep at this and you will not be disappointed!"  The lack of disappointment comes by learning to let go of any certain expectations that the mind wants to dictate and investing everything in holding to the current feeling state, following it, learning wisdom from allowing it's guidance. 

I would guess that with all that little boys are primed and pumped up to be - the mighty world movers and shakers, becoming "king of the mountain" - that it is initially much more difficult to get excited and feel the satisfaction of this "mundane" daily personal housekeeping work...to feel the sense of purpose in it that a woman naturally has with it (at least it's my guess that it is this way for all women when they get a taste for it).  I think the lives that women have lived, taking care of the very ordinary every day things (without receiving special recognition for having done it) works in our favor compared with the work men have been geared toward that moves them to seek position, power, and applause as reasons to be motivated. That's just me speculating.

James, you ask:
I currently have a gal who emails whenever she feels the need to connect with somebody who will not talk her out of her bad feelings. I find that I am able to share from my own experience especially when she may describe dynamics happening for her with people with whom she works or with her husband...usually just pointing her in the direction of using her bad feelings to take her into looking how it relates to what she went through as a child. When she first wrote me, I spoke to her about my past...taking on others problems as a role I took on early as a child and how I  used that to stay away from feeling my own pain.  And that my desire in any friendship now is to live as equals, neither one to take on the responsibility to solve anything for the other, but instead to encourage each other to allow our own feelings to guide us along.  

It has been a good learning experience for me to stay on my side of the line and not interfere and tell her things I may see that she will find out for herself is she stays true to her own feelings.  For me, I wouldn't care if she never emails me again, so it's not something I have tried to instigate to feel like I am helping someone.  I do appreciate having her in my life when she pops in and she truly is a good test for me to feel how many of the old strings are still attached inside me that tempt me to want to solve the surface problems instead of allowing them to bring up all the bad feelings and letting them do all of the work.  Just like writing here on the forum, there are things I don't even know that I have learned until I find myself led into writing about them...as I share with her, I find it works the same way.  

I trust that God knows what I need for any additional stimulus outside of how much or little interaction my husband desires with me as I do my CR work.  I have become accustomed to being on my own all day long with no interaction with anyone (and I've never been one to use the phone as the means to feel connected with others other than sporadically.) I can't imagine setting up anything on my own as a goal to teach this, but do feel a desire for when things become more solid in me to be available and open to share from my own life examples with others who cross my path who are hungry to know it.  How much of my thinking that I am to share with others is still wrapped up in the old time religion that I have come from, I don't know.  My priority present time is fixed on using the relationship with my husband for what I believe it is intended...my own personal school of staying true to what I am feeling and allowing what transpires between us to bring up the truth I am asking to know and feel.  I guess should more specific work regarding my sibling relationships need to be addressed that others outside of my husband may be drawn into my life being used in that way...as it is I have plenty surfacing in me just using what erupts in my marriage.

So in short answer, yes...if someone was curious to know another way outside of living by their mind leading the way, I would be able to share with them how and what I have learned thus far in my own soul work...I don't know that it it would make any sense or do any good for them though.  Having the curiosity of looking for a new way to deal with problems is more often only wanting a quick fix, not desiring to shed all of the evil skins (and I believe each soul is responsible to work through their own life maze, hungering and thirsting for truth as desperation  arises within them  propelling them in their own unique way into the answers they are seeking).  At present, I don't care to spend time with others who are not interested in feeling healing work so I can spend the time staying open to continuing my own.

James, thank you so much for all you have given in reply to my question.  I feel so very fortunate to learn from your and Marion's experience and know the time it takes to read and write replies using a forum in this way.  GOLDMINE right here in this place...so RICH and FULL of encouragement as I learn from your examples.

P.S. Interesting timing here...I just got a call from an old friend...before I knew it she was moved back to being 2 years old as we spoke about the feelings that were coming through a present day experience.  As she spoke, she also helped me move into a subject that I am also dealing with, moving me deeper in touch with it.  As she moved through her own example of some feeling work connecting to her 2 year old, she got a taste of what the description of this work with using the mind to understand it would NEVER have given her.  She was on her own precipice previous to her calling me and I just watched her jump off the cliff...sharing through my own experiences how I no more shame myself for feeling anything, she was given a witness in her life for her to choose to do the same if she wanted to.

“ It does obliterate the ego and it's desire to accomplish what it would call "big and important" things.” This has been extremely hard for me, having to give up the male ego of being right and knowing best, having to eat humble pie as Marion is constantly calling me on it, showing me up and helping me see how full of shit I am. How it was all part of my programming with Gran. Today in the car Marion asked a question and I answered it, as if I knew the answer when in fact it was just a guess as I couldn’t have known. And I speak like I know, with the authority of being the all-knower, yet it’s all only because I feel so powerless all the time and use my ‘knowing’ even though I just make it all up, trying to show I am knowledgeable and powerful and not the stupid one, when truthfully I don’t have a clue, and there’s not even any need for me to try and answer her questions - that being another whole issue. Gran would say: Why does your mother do that James, not even really wanting me to answer her, but I thought she was seriously asking me and wanting me to tell her why, so I got good at making things up, for which Gran then praised me. Now like an automaton, Marion asks, I answer, I can’t help it. The ‘answers’ pop instantly into my mind. But our talking it all through helps me to question my motives and see there are other better answers than mine, slowly helping me get more in touch with myself.

“It's what I feel and what inspires me, this sense of "Darlin' you keep at this and you will not be disappointed!"  The lack of disappointment comes by learning to let go of any certain expectations that the mind wants to dictate and investing everything in holding to the current feeling state, following it, learning wisdom from allowing it’s guidance.” Not having any expectations has been a big one for Marion and I. Every time we do have them, the thing doesn’t work out, every time we don’t, it does. And just how many expectations have we been unaware of having - millions.

“I would guess that with all that little boys are primed and pumped up to be - the mighty world movers and shakers, becoming "king of the mountain" - that it is initially much more difficult to get excited and feel the satisfaction of this "mundane" daily personal housekeeping work...to feel the sense of purpose in it that a woman naturally has with it (at least it's my guess that it is this way for all women when they get a taste for it).  I think the lives that women have lived, taking care of the very ordinary every day things (without receiving special recognition for having done it) works in our favor compared with the work men have been geared toward that moves them to seek position, power, and applause as reasons to be motivated. That's just me speculating.” Your speculating Desire so far as I’m concerned is spot on. That’s me to a tee. It was like being shot out of a cannon, blasting off out into life to make me fortune. Only the trouble was I was a fizzer, my parents didn’t give me the tools to achieve anything, too heavily undermining me. But being able to be at home all these years not having to go to work has been such a blessing, I’d have never been able to do my healing had I a career I felt good in. And not having anything, being a ‘failure’, has helped to strip my ego and those expectations right off me - just watching the dust accumulate. I’ve not got the point of feeling good and having any pride in doing the housework, I’ve not got to the point of feeling good about much at all. And I think being able to let go being the ‘king of the mountain’ will be very difficult for a lot of men, and also for those ‘queens of the mountain’. My mother and grandmother definitely believed there were queens of high standing - which is such a sad joke now knowing all I do about them and my family from my healing.

“For me, I wouldn't care if she never emails me again” It’s so good to hear you say this - no ego in it, you’re not wanting to gain anything, any power. These are the little signs of humility, being clear to me if one really is looking to be truth to ones feelings. You saying that reminds me of Marion saying similar things, she’s never had any agenda or ulterior motive.

“How much of my thinking that I am to share with others is still wrapped up in the old time religion that I have come from, I don't know.” This also makes me feel good hearing you say that. You still being open again with no agenda, taking it as it comes, and still looking for the negative in you, not trying to hide from it. It took me years to get anywhere near this, let alone understanding the true significance of it. These are for me the ‘pearls’, the little gems of truth that pepper ones self expression if one is sincerely striving to live true.

“I don't know that it it would make any sense or do any good for them though.” And another little gem, you don’t know, for how can you. And you’re humble enough to admit it. No agenda, no expectations, it’s the exact sort of thing Marion would tell me: how can you know, how can you know what another person would need, or if it would make sense to them, you can’t know, and to think you know is wrong. You’re not God, only God knows, and it’s not for us to know, it’s for the other person. More of just staying on your side and letting it go, not trying to hold on and control it or anyone in any way. It gives me a thrill Desire reading such words.

“I trust that God knows what I need for any additional stimulus outside of how much or little interaction my husband desires with me as I do my CR work.” As in your P.S. with your old friend ringing. I guess God showed you in no uncertain terms you’re on the right track!

My so-called need, which I’m currently working on, is not in fact a true need but, as it came to light this morning, just a belief. This morning I felt bad because I had emailed a guy about a book of his I’ve just read about the End Time which I found quite incredible, and was expecting (there’s one of those expectations again) that he’d email me back. It’s the third time I’ve emailed him through his different websites and forum, yet nothing. I expressed my anger and disappointment, feeling let down: why can’t I have a friend, one person - and a male person, someone to speak with about all the things I want to speak with about. And the more I talked it all through the more it dawned on me how it was again Gran telling me that it was important to have a male friend, someone who was MY friend, and not just my brother. She said: Your grandfather has his friend Stan who he goes fishing with, you need a friend like that James, someone with whom you can do all you want to do, just the two of you. And I did, and I’ve been looking for that friend ever since. So I keep putting in on the men I like who I come across but it’s all a fantasy based on this friend person I should have. And she made it sound like if I had that friend, then I’d feel important in the world, like my grandfather, he was right and good and important (albeit only in her eyes) all because he had one friend, which is how sad it was that he only had one friend, and one who he hardly saw, Stan always been too busy with his forestry work.
    So the need for me to try and answer Marion’s question is all part of the same thing, it’s just a belief Gran instilled in me. When I am asked a question I have to answer it. I have to answer it sounding like I know the answer, as people who know the answers (like Gran herself - the all-knowing aquarian) are the best, right and most respected people - not like that stupid mother of yours James who never knows why she does what she does; honestly James, what does she think she is doing?
    In the car Marion spoke about the video we watched the previous evening about a fifty-year-old Indian elephant being rescued by SOS in India. The elephants owner had him chained up with metal spikes around his lower leg and it was in the middle of the night with the elephant kneeling and a man cutting off the chains. Marion asked why was the elephant kneeling? She was wondering out loud. But for me it’s a question I believe I have to answer - answering all question to please Gran and being the good boy as Gran told me I would be. So I said, sounding like I know, that I am the authority on kneeling elephants, that it was so the man had easy access to the chains. But as Marion rightly pointed out, it’s not that I can’t have an opinion about it, and I might even be right, it’s just stating it as if I know and there is no other alternative that is wrong. Had I said something like: it could possibly be so it was easier to get to the chains; or, it might have made it easier to get at the chains, that would have been fine as I’m just adding my thoughts and not putting myself in there as the important superior all-knowledgable person. I’m not trying to have control. And I’m flowing along with her in her wondering, joining her saying yes I wonder too. Whereas how I act in giving the definitive answer is shutting the door on her, shutting her out, which is what she is objecting to, by saying there is only one answer, I know it, to make it easier to get the chains off, end of story, we don’t have anymore to talk about to do with this problem, so move on. I’m always closing, not wanting to include her. She’s opening up to include me by speaking about what she’s wondering, and had I joined her as I did once we started talking about my actions, then it was good to wonder and talk about the elephant, as other questions came to light. Why were they doing it in the middle of night, and did the elephant always have those spikes around its foot, all of which is us sharing in our relationship, coming together, uniting in our wonderings with neither of us being the boss, the controller or dominant one, no superior ego involved, and with it all being open ended as neither of us know the answers to those questions, nor do we want to try and find them out. So we’ve both got to know each other a bit more, and the interaction brings us closer TOGETHER in our relationship with the elephant, as there was a lot more later that night that came up about how peaceful and gentle the elephant was when he’d been freed and was safely living in the elephant sanctuary provided by the SOS people.
   Marion’s whole focus is in being able to fully, freely and truly express herself. And then with us doing that together in our relationship, ensuring, or rather working towards, having a fully connected relationship, in which we both are completely living honouring and respecting ourselves - so all our feelings. And so she’s always ‘working on’ or with me, helping me stop being separate from her, which as we go keeps being shown up as how isolated and shut off from myself and her I am. I grew up in a family surrounded by other people, and yet incredibly we didn’t freely communicate with each other, it was all a contrived bullshit fantasy thing. So I grew up with people yet feeling very alone, even though they kept telling me I wasn’t alone, that I was well loved, that we were a great supportive family, and one that was so much more ‘together’ then so many others. And yet the further I go in my understanding of my fucked family that couldn’t be further from the truth, and I wonder who are these others who are worse off than me, seeing that these others who were looked down upon do in fact enjoy far more closeness affection and love than I ever did.
    So there’s no need for me to answer Marion’s question as I answered it - answering to do what I believe is the right thing to do. There is of course a great need for me to truly answer it should I feel the desire to, but it coming from the true me, my heart or soul, from and with my true feelings, with nothing to do with my mind, all just spontaneously responding to her invitation to get together talking about the elephant, and not my robotically ‘doing what I do’, which amounts to just following orders - Question has been asked; I must answer question.


I feel for you Desire: “What kind of person are you if you are not able to be there in a another's time of need?”, that would be a big problem for you. And then with the guilt trip, the blackmail “You remember what it felt like for no one to be there for you.” It makes me want to scream, it’s so cruel, so unfair, so unloving subjecting little people - anyone, to that sort of shit.

“And how does that feel? I feel like a BAD girl to let out my own feelings of self hatred.  Isn't it like pollution, it's just really BAD, STINKY stuff...why would I put it out into the fresh clean air?  What GOOD would that bring?  I am here to create  "a  blessed experience and fragrance" to all those around me, not take a shit on the floor and stink up the whole room making everyone miserable.” Good on you Desire, great stuff, go for it! Shit all over the place and stink the whole fucking world out. It’s all better out than keeping it all inside you. And that’s the good it will bring - good to you for allowing yourself to be more true to yourself, to get out more of your poison, more of what’s killing and stifling your souls expression. Spew and shit it out all over the fucking place! And especially all over them! And fuck all the others! They can go take care of themselves.

“What would the world be if we all sat shitting shitting shitting ourselves like you're doing so-called giving yourself your own permission to hate yourself?!” The world would be a far better place that’s for sure. We’d all be covered in shit, that being the truth of evilness. And then we might start to take our shitty-selves seriously for once, all those shitty feelings we don’t want to know about. And then we might even begin to feel truly good, happy and loved. We can all stand around deliriously happy, feeling so good inside whilst covered in the shit of our evilness that’s finally all come out, no longer having to be hidden away like the unwanted children we all feel we are.

Bring on your SELF-HATED! I’ve hated Marion speaking endlessly about how ugly waste of time piece of shit she is, and yet I’ve seen the results, it’s all coming out of her and she’s feeling so much better, even starting to love herself as she fully accepts how much she hates herself.

As for our God-given differences, I think that’s a hard one. Marion and I - well actually she doing most of the talking - have talked a lot about it, however it’s all speculation as we’re too fucked to know. We can’t look at a man or woman and say men are like this and women that because we’re all looking at imperfect evil fucked up men and women. And it’s too hard to get any real idea of what Mary and Jesus were like. All that’s been said about them has been also conditioned or seen through eyes that can’t see the truth anyway - so what can any of us know. For me Desire this is the sort of thing I’ve put on hold until I’m healed, and should that miracle ever happen, then I’d be able to look at myself and say, hey, so this is me being true and perfect... well what do you know. And this is Marion - a woman, okay, well that’s interesting... but then I’d still not want to use ourselves to generalise for all men and women what they’d be like being perfect.
    What you said about men being able to compartmentalise whereas women become too swept up in their all-consuming emotions, and that is a ‘difference’ between men and women, men being able to be generally more rational, women more irrational, is, I think, just another bullshit label. I think that it’s just that those sorts of men have been made to shut off their emotions and so be in their minds, which they’ve learnt and had to use as a position of power to look down on women who are ‘too emotional’. I certainly know when I feel fully connected with my emotions they are all-consuming, and how wonderful that feels, to be swept up in them for a change rather than always having ‘keep a cool head’ not getting carried away. Life is ‘IN’ our emotions and feelings, not in our minds thoughts and beliefs.
    However with Marion and myself (and I’d not want to take it any further than that - none of my usual broad sweeping (fucked in the head male) generalisations), she is far more emotionally expressive than I am, but that might only be because I wasn’t allowed to be. And I do tend to keep a more rational mind on certain things, like not letting her spend too much, because as she says, she doesn’t want to know about money, if it’s there and she can spend it, she will, so she likes me keeping the books in order. However as she’s also said, it might only be that she was never allowed to feel good about looking after the money side of things that she doesn’t want to know about it. And possibly she might change as she heals herself. But then again, she might not, she seems to be going further into not wanting to know about it; certainly speaking about it and anything to do with it should either of us feel bad or even good about it, and she wants me to keep her informed about our money situation, but other than that, forget it.
I used to think that we’d heal ourselves and be perfect, perfect meaning that we’d be perfect in all that we do. So Marion would heal all her ‘problems’ like never knowing where she is on a map, looking after the money properly, and so on. But now I’m beginning to think that all I called perfect is wrong, and what would I know what perfection is anyway. Perfection is perfection of soul, that’s what we both want, and if when Marion’s soul is perfect, part of that perfection is she doesn’t want to have anything to do with money, and part of my perfection is I do, then we can happily work that into our relationship. So something that might be looked upon as a failing might not be so on a soul level.

Another example of this is another thing we’re going through currently. We both love all the crystals and rocks, all the polished stones one finds in the ‘New Agey’ shops. When we first came together we amassed a little collection of such beautiful wonders of nature. We found a lovely couple who made jewellery out of such stones and we bought their beautiful creations. Then after more years of our healing, out it all went. We both suddenly felt we don’t need or want all these crystals and stones, the jewellery. We gave away just about all we had that wasn’t essential to our survival, feeling we’re done with all of those trinkets, and it wasn’t spiritual anyway to keep needing such things because what really were they doing for us - nothing that we could see, just satisfying our egos.
    Then not having had a thought about buying crystals or anything like that for years, suddenly a few weeks ago Marion found a woman here on the Island who makes lovely crystal jewellery. And we’ve started buying her creations. But as we were saying today having come home with more little beauties, a lovely lapis bracelet (I don’t personally want the stones but I do want Marion to have them and wear them), we realised that this time around Marion is getting these things for herself, just because she loves them and loves wearing them. Whereas previously it was all about buying and wearing the stones and crystals to make herself feel better about herself, to make herself become as beautiful as the stones. If she put that gorgeous rose quartz on herself then she’d be as gorgeous as that beautiful soft pink. She was trying to change herself by ‘becoming’ the crystals in a way, which is always what she did with her clothes, buying them in the belief that she’ll look like and so ‘be like’ Audrey Hepburn, someone so beautiful and so the opposite to someone so ugly as Marion felt she was - as her parents made her feel and told her in various ways.
    But now as Marion’s healed all that self-hate and self-loathing, she doesn’t feel she is ugly, so she doesn’t need to try and change herself by using the crystals or clothes. So she can just have the stones and jewellery and her clothes because she loves them, her clothes make her feel good, keeping her warm and she loves them all being black. So it’s all for her, all an expression of herself rather than trying to make her feel, believe, and so pretend, that she is changing or has changed herself, all because she despised and detested how she was.
    So she keeps saying she feels like she’s a little girl having all the things she didn’t have, and having them just for herself because she likes them, and for no other reason. And I am her parents saying yes, you can have it, and have this one too, that smoky quartz pendant looks so good sitting there wrapped in silver and hung around your neck. It looks good no matter where it is, but it’s not about trying to make Marion look more attractive than she is, trying to change the picture of the shrivelled up old lady into some smooth unwrinkled thing she is not. It’s just about her feeling free to be as she pleases, and right now she wants to wear and look at that red Jasper cross she got, and then in the next moment, change it for the stunning African turquoise necklace. A girl needs to change, so she keeps informing me, and apparently plenty of it!, so it seems in her case, all because she was never allowed to change when she was young, she always having to wear what her mother gave her.
    And we both understand that we might give up all these crystals again, and yet we might not. So being perfect might include Marion having lots of wonderful crystals and rocks to wear, it might not, we’ll wait and see. However I can’t shake the feeling I have about it that we’re buying all these things for her as she will need them for some reason, as if she’s getting them all in preparation for what’s to come. But that might just be my next bit of repressed yuk starting to come up all because of our involvement with these crystals again.

"Whereas how I act in giving the definitive answer is shutting the door on her, shutting her out, which is what she is objecting to"  This scenario that you wrote out that you and Marion worked through is so helpful to me.  It gives me further permission to feel the pain, angers and resentment that has come as a result of being talked down to and shut out instead of being seen as a valid person to have a conversation with... someone to stay curious with discovering and exploring more about each other as we share as equals.  I am seeing how it was instilled in you as a man and how you just carried it on down the line to not have to feel as powerless as you feel.  And I just learned to accept my fate to believe I would have to live a life of feeling alone and unknown no matter the number of people living around me.  And so it is when I learn to take a personal interest in myself as an adult now...staying curious, asking questions about my feelings, etc...that I now have the possibility of having others to join me in their own self exploration...learning of my real power (that being living in my own self-expression instead of feeling powerless to be me out of fearing self disclosure.)

This is just salve for my soul right here the way you put it:  "uniting in our wonderings with neither of us being the boss, the controller or dominant one, no superior ego involved, and with it all being open ended as neither of us know the answers to those questions, nor do we want to try and find them out. So we’ve both got to know each other a bit more" As the beauty of truth is brought out on this subject I think of all of the times my husband and I have spun our wheels wanting to be the bigger ego over the other to be right in order not to feel this accumulation of pain that comes from living completely at odds and disconnected while deep down desiring a full on connection.  I'll be much more open to feeling this pain now as it arises when this happens between my husband and I and on the other side of feeling it will be able to lead by example as Marion has with you. Mucho gracias to you both for all that is in this example!

This also struck me: "I used to think that we’d heal ourselves and be perfect, perfect meaning that we’d be perfect in all that we do." There is so much teaching in what is the ultimate "healthy" way to be living and doing things.  This is "the goal" and if you're not living the goal yet - doing it the right perfect way- then there is absolutely nothing to be feeling accomplished or good about.  So who sets up these so-called perfect ways of being in a marriage, for example?  Who should be in charge of what, when and how? Well if you are a good christian couple things should look like this and if it doesn't, well consider yourself a mess.  So much shit goes on when we have to hide our true feelings and just be where ever our feelings say we are and allow it instead of feeling less than perfect and ashamed.  Again, as I process things now with this in mind within my own marriage, it helps me to see the pointlessness of pretending I want to do what I don't and to stay true to myself and live unfolding out from there. "Perfection is perfection of soul, that’s what we both want, and if when Marion’s soul is perfect, part of that perfection is she doesn’t want to have anything to do with money, and part of my perfection is I do, then we can happily work that into our relationship. So something that might be looked upon as a failing might not be so on a soul level." God, it feels so good to read this and feel the release of all of these ancient old standards I have been taught I must reach instead of honoring who I and my husband are at present time and learning more truth as we live in our current feeling states.  Your and Marion's example of going back and forth with the crystals also helps me move away from wanting to reach these places of so-called final accomplishment by having a certain thing or being a certain way (like the Pharisees were so good at) thinking that a healed person should want this or not have that in their life anymore.  Again all a bunch of superficial shit to try to prove how healed we are all the while living in complete facade afraid to feel our way through our lives...nope, I don't need to go that way anymore. 

Thanks again so much for all you share from your and Marion's life together.