The frustration of not being able to cry May 23, 2014 2:51:21 GMT 10
Post by desire2bme on May 23, 2014 2:51:21 GMT 10
Hello James and everyone else here. I have a question about the actual ability to release emotion through being able to cry. I have been doing some kind of work relating to my childhood emotions in one way or another for 20 plus years now. Along the way, I have learned of all the many ways that I say with one part of me that I want to feel and know the truth while other parts of me still have lived in opposition to this desire. More recently, I have been living at a new place where I feel I am more sincere in my desire for truth and living honest with how I feel. As a result of this deeper desire, I live with the constant ache inside that leads me to offer up the prayer without words that just LONGS and LONGS and LONGS for the truth about my whole life along with my desire to be able to feel the Diving Love of Mother-Father God. I find most of the real work and guidance and teaching for me goes on at night after I ask with words to be taught the truth during my sleep (or after I wake up out of my sleep in the night hours). The teaching and help given me at these times comes byway of impression upon my soul and as that happens my mind wildly tries to figure out how to put words upon the soul learning that is going on. All this said, I want to come back to the reason for this particular post. I find that I am learning so many things...so many of the dots from my childhood are being connected and I am learning a deeper compassion on the child I was/am. What frustrates me is that I can not cry. As I write this, what comes through my mind is this thought, "If you really cared, you would cry." That must be some kind of false belief I carry about myself. I know I cared so very deeply as a child, so much that I stopped myself from the ability to feel how much I cared. Sometimes, I wonder if my tears are waiting for my own more perfected presence with myself....that there is the child in me that doesn't trust me enough to just fall down and cry. In my family of 12 siblings there was no time for tears and anyone who did cry was a "bellering cow" or just a "big baby". Even though I have known for many years now that it was wrong to have been treated this way as a child and feel the authentic waves of sadness from those times, still I can not cry. I sense there is something that I am completely blind to yet concerning the child that holds the key to this. She has taught me thus far that there is always a wise reason why things stay locked up and to just keep on desiring and asking for the truth surrounding this. How has this issue been for you, James? (and anyone else who is willing to share your own work concerning this issue of crying your eyes out or like me...not being able to.) Thank you so much for all of your time and personal work to put your own process here on the internet. It makes me feel not so fucking crazy!