Marion's and my healing and relationship

My healing and how it’s changed me; and Marion’s and my relationship through our healing years.
Friday, 18 April 2014

Wesley has asked if I could write about how my healing has changed me, and how it’s changed Marion’s and my relationship. I will try to keep it brief, as so much has happened for both us, and does daily - I can hardly keep up with all the changes. It’s weird waking up each day feeling like you’re a different person to what you were the day before. And any excuse to talk about myself - I’m so glad you asked Wes!

To set the scene.
Marion and I have been doing our healing now for about seventeen years. She’s sixty-three, and ten years older than me. She’s a Pisces and I’m a Tauren.

Before we met she was working as a receptionist living in a one bedroom apartment by herself. She came to my mother for a Tarot and clairvoyant reading, something mum had recently started doing, and came across the Padgett Messages. Mum told her in their meeting she should also meet me as she would more than likely be interested in the spiritual work I was doing. I was holding meditation and prayer evenings with my brother for the Divine Love.

I had been longing for the Love for about two years, feeling the Love blasting into my soul with each prayer, having many thrilling experiences with spirits as I explored speaking with them and looking to them to help me understand more about what was said in the Padgett Messages and Urantia Book.

When I met Marion I was on the eve of having a mental breakdown of sorts. My personal relationship with my latest girlfriend was failing, like all the others, and things were no longer adding up so far as what I was feeling about the truths in the Padgett Messages, particularly why was I feeling so bad after two solid years of praying for and receiving the Divine Love, when it said in the PM’s that the Love was meant to heal me, to remove all my sins and errors. I was also at a complete loss as to what to do with myself in my life - I had just started another Divine Love meditation group trying to emulate the original one my brother and I had for a number of years, but my head was clouded and nothing was adding up.

And so it began.
I picked Marion up one evening on the way to the meditation. And the instant we started talking about the Divine Love and the Padgett Messages which she’d been reading and loved, I could see that she felt very deeply about it all and that she intuitively understood and easily related to all Jesus and the Celestials were saying. And so it was through this connection that our relationship grew and continues.

With all my former girlfriends their physical beauty was of the utmost importance to me, it being a large part of what attracted me to them - to women. I wasn’t physically attracted to Marion, nor was she to me much. I am much taller than her, this she didn’t mind, I am dark and okay looking, so far as she’s concerned, but I lacked the ‘edge’ that all her former boyfriends and husband had. I was very conservative, not a heroine addict, schizophrenic, or married. But I was on my glory run into being at-one with God and off in never-never land with the spirits and fantasies about being a ‘World Teacher’. All of which she took with good grace, later telling me as we got into our healing, that she believed it was all fantasy, something I’d made up to cover my true feelings of feeling and being so pathetic and powerless, that which she could obviously see, and was helping to see. She has always been razor sharp, very direct, and a fountain of truth. It just comes pouring out of her in a never ending stream. And I was very shutoff from my feelings. However I praised her for her grasp and innate understanding about the truths, and didn’t dominate her as she’d been in her previous relationships - as she’d been by her parents. I tried, and still do at time, to assert control over her, but I’m useless at it. So she can struggle against me asserting her lost power, that which she could never do against her parents.

My support of her, my willing to listen, which began by my being an obedient listener because of my programming by Gran, helped her to talk - she’d never been with anyone who would listen to her talk about herself. I can’t say that in all honesty I did really want to listen, that I really did want to know her, I was interested, but I still can’t say that I’m truly interested in her, or even in myself, that all being still what I’m healing.

However I listened, the best I could, and she started to open up, and it was a terrible story of continual childhood pain, her living in what amounted to a prison camp with no love (other than from her cat) and no free time to herself.

It wasn’t long after meeting her that my relationship ended with my girlfriend, it having nothing to do with meeting Marion. Marion wanted to move as did I, no longer being able to afford living in the house I was, so we agreed to live together looking for something closer to the beach. All the time talking more about the spiritual stuff.

We moved into a small apartment in Elwood, living in separate rooms for about a month even though we’d started to have sex after I’d ended with my girlfriend, the physical intimacy helping Marion to start express some of what she truly felt about sex and being physically close to someone. She’d only ever had sex because it was what was expected, something she could do so men would like her, but it was all for them, all because they wanted it. She had very low self-esteem even though she was well trained to put on a very confident and warm loving and caring face to world, which her mother had insisted upon. But she could only sustain it for shorts bursts, so she decided to remove herself from the world as much as she could during the years before we met, trying to honour her feelings more than just giving herself instantly away doing whatever another person asked her to do, so she could at least feel a little bit wanted by them - or believe she was.

When we decided it was ridiculous our pretending we weren’t having a relationship, and that we were more than just friends sharing the apartment, and moved into the same bed together, then our healing began. However all the way along it has been only our interest in the spiritual truths and the Divine Love that’s kept us together, for if that wasn’t there, we’d not have been attracted to each other all.

One of the first major issues that came up between us as Marion started to feel more confident in our relationship was that of having sex. I loved having it with her, she enjoyed it, but still as we talked about, she said really she didn’t want it, and was quite happy to never have it again - how did I feel about that?

Okay, I said. I had my masturbation addiction, and I understood what she felt about having sex and that it was a big step for her to stand up and say no, and so I agreed to go along without it and express all I felt if any bad feelings came up - not that in those early days I could express any feelings. But it all sounded good, the expressing of ones feelings so as to bring up all the deep hurt and pain from my early childhood, all of which Marion knew was inside her having had some good therapy in the clinics she’d been in when she’d tried to kill herself or was too depressed to go on, and all of which started to make sense to me, it making me feel like - ah ha, so this could be what’s been bugging me about all the spiritual stuff, that in fact we do need to heal ourselves instead of just hoping God will magically take all our wrongness away.

And the more I listened to her expressing her pain, the more she started to feel better about expressing all her bad feelings, and I would listen as much as I could, often being so overwhelmed by her sadness and misery that I didn’t know what to do. I believed as part of my childhood training that I was to tell her how to fix herself, how to get over her problems, but as she insisted, no, she didn’t want to do that: so shut up and just let me get on with expressing all my yuk. It’s what I have to do, and you do too, only you’re not in touch with all of yours yet. Yet more truth coming from the eternal font!

So once I understood what she was going about concerning all the repressed feeling stuff, and how we needed to just accept it, and by doing so it could finally come out, and that was good because it was only killing us by remaining suppressed within us; and that we could also long for the truth of it and the truth would just come, I agreed to do my ‘healing’ too. We didn’t call it our healing or anything back then, that’s all labels I’ve made up with a little help from Mary and Jesus and other spirits.

Marion has always insisted that she just wants to live true to herself, and the only way she can do that is by living true to her feelings. She is all feelings, and isn’t interested in the goings on in the world, and more and more giving up all that being ever more focused on herself, instead of on everyone else other than herself.

She was still in the role of doing everything for the man so he would continue to like her - so at least someone wanted her. So she’d cook and clean having given up her job as she didn’t want to work anymore, instead being able to give all her time to herself and expressing her bad feelings. And as I was employed at the local Aquarium, that was fine by me, we had enough money to meet our needs that were lessening by the day as we progressed more in our healing.

So we started talking about our bad feelings, she being easily able to, and she having to force me to. I would never have done any of my healing without her - no way, I wouldn’t have wanted to go anywhere near my repressed childhood feelings if I hadn’t had her support and encourage and infinite patients with me. She is just completely empathetic and sympathetic, never telling me what to do, always on my side and supporting me. I am completely judgemental, controlling, conditional, and stubborn as all hell refusing to acknowledge and express any bad feelings, even though I want to. I was completely bound up and lost to my mind, she being completely down to earth and feelings focused. A good match so far as helping each other in our healing as it’s turned out, because of the friction of our not getting along easily.

It’s a funny thing but on one level, the truth and working it all out, we get along very well, but on the personal level it’s been very difficult at times, but overall we’ve remained what you could I suppose call friends, only a friendship based on truth, not what either or us would call a normal friendship. So it’s a ‘working friendship’ because we’ve known we can help each other, known we’ve needed help, and known that what we’re doing is so unorthodox that we’d be lucky to find anyone else with whom we’d be able to live as we’ve wanted to - dedicating every moment to the healing of ourselves.

I got sacked from my job at the Aquarium a couple of years into our relationship and went on the dole. All the way along we have both been flooded to the point of our almost drowning with bad feelings to try to express. I was till trying to get in touch with feelings - what did feeling angry feel like? I kid you not, really, I didn’t have a clue. I was so switched off to any feelings, I didn’t want to know about them. Marion and I might have a slight altercation in the supermarket, something I’d do would make her feel bad. Then we’d spend the next four days speaking about all the yuk that came up in her and her tying to get me to feel what was really going on inside me that made me do that thing that had made her feel bad. I had stepped in front of her making her feel that I didn’t really care about her, as if she didn’t exist, that I was self-consumed and unaware of her very presence most of the time... still issues I am working on.

One of my memories, and I wouldn’t say it was a good one, of living in the Elwood flat for the five years that we did, is of sitting at one end of the small kitchen looking at the clock on the opposite wall listening to Marion talk endlessly about how bad she felt. I have to think hard as to whether or not we ever left the kitchen during that time.

During one drive in the country (so we must have left the kitchen at least once) - we also discovered we both loved nature more, and we started to take more notice of birds - Marion helped me understand that Gran was very controlling, and that in fact all the love I felt for her was false and that I had been making it up. This was a huge insight and revelation and I opened up enough to feel she was right, I could feel it for myself. And that really was like the crack in the boat that started me sinking in earnest. From then on it was only down, down deeper and deeper into my murky depths, seemingly endless bad feelings, so much hidden misery, sadness, fear, depression; so much anger as the truth of my unlovingness and how much my parents didn’t love me came to light. For me it’s been one long huge continual eye-opener. For Marion she’s felt and so known all the way along her parents didn’t love her, she just wasn’t allowed to say anything about it to anyone. Now she could finally say it all to me. And she still is, although so much less these days compared to how she did. She’d go on for days, months, years about the same bad things, boring the shit out of me, but with so much agony locked away inside her.

And I had to come clean about what I really did feel about all her misery and her going on about it. And after about ten years I was able to start to say a little bit about how much I hated it - only a little mind you.

So we left Elwood for a house in Morrabbin, along with our little grey cat Potsy who helped us enormously with our healing. She helped us bring up so many bad feelings. She was so demanding, needing our constant attention which we couldn’t refuse. We felt so sorry for her being alone when we went out that we made sure we never went out longer than a few hours. We projected all our loneliness onto her, she was in many ways our little child, as we were her, the little hurt children of our parents. And she helped us open up even more to nature, and once I showed Marion how to feed the resident male magpie who landed in front of us one day when we were eating our lunch outside, then she started feeding all the birds and our love of them expanded even more. And all the way along, everything made us feel bad, so many bad feelings. Nearly every night I’d go to bed exhausted from feeling bad, and feeling so bad about all the shit I’d been through during the day, and I’d beg and beg the Mother and Father to help me uncover the truth of my yuk, to help me express myself, and I still am.

During our seven years at Harry Street in Morrabbin, Marion started to insist that I express my hatred, of everything, including her. It was there of course, but I’d not really allowed myself into it. It was fine and even natural for her to tell me as she expressed her anger and misery how much she hated me and how much she felt unloved by me, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it to her. And along the way Marion helped me see that we didn’t have a loving relationship. I still wanted to cling onto the delusion that we were in love, that we did love each other - how could we not by being so close and sharing all your evilness with each other! - because surely we did as we’d been together this long working hard on ourselves bringing up so many bad feelings - wasn’t that love... at least of some sort... wasn’t it just a little bit of love?

No! And I don’t love you, I hate you, and you hate me, and so we should just agree to hate each other and to tell each other how much we can’t stand each other, all the things that make us feel bad about the other person, all to bring it out. It was clear to her that really it wasn’t me personally she hated because I was only representing her parents, and she was really just using me to express all her repressed hatred at her parents, but it sure didn’t feel nice having her tell me how much she hated everything about me. But she was true to her feelings, she never held back and we’ve both threatened many times to end the relationship, for what’s the point when we hate each other, but we’re still together and currently getting on better than we have; we’re much more real with each other and I am especially feeling freer to say whatever I like to her, even the most vile rotten hatful things I could imagine. And she takes it all: yes, tell me more, come on, bring it all up, it’s all in you, it’s all got to come out, so come on, tell me how much you can’t stand the sight of me. But shit it’s bloody hard work and mostly I have to be pushed hard into it feeling so demented that I let fly raging at her. But she’s been right about it all, it has all been my repressed hatred at mum, dad and Gran that I’ve vented at her, but as she says, it all has to be done in the moment with her so we can connect, all of which are just the same feelings I had when I was young but buried, determined to never allow them to see the light of day.

Also during our years at Harry Street I grew vegetables and we planted out the garden with Australian native plants. And so started to love the natives that we’d taken for granted in Melbourne, and even in many cases not liked, preferring European and exotic tress and plants. And this helped to broaden our love of nature even more, and love for our own native nature. And a woman at a nursery said, not many people realise that you should provide areas of mulch for all the arthropods that live in the leaf litter along with all the other little creatures which the birds eat, which then added yet another dimension to our love of ALL natural life. Our relationship with nature together, how much we’ve grown to love it and how we’ve loved the same things about it, through the plants and all the bird feeding which only last year Marion finally managed to give up, finally having healed all the negative causes within her that made her compulsively feed them, really is probably the one outward expression of how we’ve grown in our love for each other. I doubt Marion would call it love, we still both feel very bereft of love, still wanting someone to come and fully love us, as we can’t be that person for each other yet; but still, we do have some basis for it to be there, and we do have some sneaky moments when good feelings about being with each other creep in.

But mostly Marion is adamant about staying with the negative, and not allowing herself to get seduced or carried away by any good stuff. As she says, the good feelings you don’t have do anything about, they are just there, you feel good, but the bad ones we’ve got to keep working on expressing and uncovering the truth of them.

We had to leave Harry Street as the rent increased way beyond our means, neither of us capable of getting work, not that we wanted to, and both being so grateful being able to live on the dole in Australia with not too much pressure from the government. Over the years so any aches and pains have come up within us and so many have stayed that we can hardly move, it’s agony for us to do anything. Marion hardly eats anything, she’s looked like she was going to die numerous times these past years when she was feeling very bad, and I can only just manage to keep us going, as I have taken over through the years all the cooking, cleaning, gardening, shopping. She’s lost the sight in one eye this last year and refuses to go to the doctors trusting in the Father (she doesn’t feel she needs to relate to God as her Mother), and not wanting to do anything she doesn’t feel she wants to do - she loathes doctors. So I do all the driving now as well, whereas she loved doing it.

How I’ve changed is difficult to write about. I’ve have greatly changed, yet I can only barely feel how I have - it’s just another truth, I know I have, and I can feel myself changing, but to put into words... Apart from getting older and greyer and more stooped, it’s all been on the inner levels that I’ve vastly changed. I can sense myself growing in truth everyday and love those feelings. Behaviour that used to annoy Marion, she constantly picking apart everything I have done over the years, has dramatically changed so far as she hardly picks anything apart lately, which is such a bloody relief, to know that I can express myself without annoying her like I used to, so something in me must have changed a lot.

Overall I feel a million times better about myself - how I am as a person. I still have things I want to change and hope one day they will go, and even though I still feel bad overall most of the time, still within I feel like all my holes are being plugged and I’m sort of filling out as to becoming something of a real person, not just the air-head I was, off with the spirits in my mind all the time. Marion feels a million times better about herself, her self-love is really increasing now in leaps and bounds, yet still she feels very vulnerable and doesn’t want to expose herself to anyone or the outside world anymore than she has to.

We still have our core feeling of feeling unloved and how devastated we feel about that, how badly we were treated and some of compulsive behaviour reflecting such trauma, but we’ve expressed out of ourselves pretty much most of our misery, sadness, guilt, fear all the emotional stuff. We still have lots of anger coming up, and some residual fear, but we know about it all know, and our bad feelings when these emotions are up only last for a very short time compared to how it used to be. Marion had a bad headache the other morning, and as we drove out she was saying how much she hated herself, really paying out heavily on herself, but instead of feeling her self-hatred for days and weeks as she used to, we both realised when we came home a couple of hours later that her bad feelings had vanished, she’d expressed them out of herself within ten minutes and we hadn’t even noticed. We’d just gone along with the bad and good feelings, and I didn’t even feel as I have always done, bad because she was feeling bad.

But as I said, over all we still feel bad, a deep bad, bad from not feeling loved, and we feel powerless to do anything about such feelings other than just keep expressing all the feelings we can. We both feel good about all we now know about ourselves and the world, for me, the big picture stuff, as well as my personal picture, and for Marion about her personal picture and how it is for us all living in our unloving states.

We moved five years ago to live on Phillip Island, relishing having more nature around us and living out of Melbourne in semi rural land, although it’s plagued by unfeeling holiday makers during summer. We’ve had first hand experience now of humanity’s quest to cover every living thing in concrete seemingly for no good reason - not one we can see, just to waste yet more taxpayers money on a meaningless project no one will use. We’ve seen how heartless and unfeeling so many so-called ‘nature lovers’ are, it all only suiting certain beliefs about themselves. And we’re both pulling in and away from the outside world more every day.

We long ago gave up having a television or any music or going out to cafes, buying takeaways, smoking dope (me, it never agreeing with Marion) and drinking wine, having sex, having a so-called ‘normal’ life. We only want to finish our healing and live true to ourselves, and be at-one with God.

But it’s funny how things go. Over the last year Marion has started buying perfume, something she long ago gave up. But it’s been fascinating smelling the different scents, and it’s all helping her love herself more. And yet wearing perfume I would have thought would not be ‘spiritual’, spending money on such a high priced material concoction of conceit and vanity. And yet I’ve changed, and hey, who knows where the Mother and Father will take us, and so we go with our feelings, and currently Marion’s investigation of perfumes is helping us to laugh and feel good about being together, and is definitely helping us to feel we’re more like friends compared to when we were expressing all our hated of each other.

And I’ve started to download some of Neil Young’s music, which we both loved when we were young. And to sing along together, something I was so self-conscious of doing, is so emotional with us both crying with good and bad feelings, the music always having affected Marion like that, but now with an even deeper appreciation of it. Whereas I loved it, but didn’t get moved to tears by his songs. And so we now have a little music, not too much as it’s all too overwhelming for Marion to cope with, but again something I’d have thought we’d both finished with long ago. And the day after I wrote this, she said for the time being she didn’t want to listen to any more music, it taking her away from herself and feelings too much, it being too interfering, all which she doesn’t want to happen anymore. So we’ll see what happens, and if I feel bad not being able to play music, I will express those feelings, and like she’s helped me to do, we just move along expressing all we feel, talking about it all, longing for the truth, and knowing nothing is fixed, it’s just always in each feeling-moment that we live. And slowly I’m getting more used to and even beginning to relish this way of life, rather than one of laying down the rules that are never to be broken. Life in a relationship being always one of equal shared feeling negotiation, is something neither of us grew up with.

So to conclude this about myself and our relationship, Marion still reckons that we’ll finish our time together, possibly that being when we finish our healing, and then move on, hopefully finding our true soulmates and perfect love. I was told by the Mother and Father, which I told Marion, years ago during the first six months of our being together, that we are soulmates. So we laugh about this when it comes up, and I’ve put all I was told from back then on the shelf, waiting to see what happens. It might be true, it might not, and really neither of us care because all we want to do is live fully expressing ourselves and all we feel. And if we ever do finish our healing, and if we then still want to be together, we will, as we’ll feel we will; and if we don’t, then we’ll feel we won’t, and we’ll both be happy with that.

And if we are soulmates, it’s going to be an amazing turn around, because really we’re coming at it from opposite ends, and on all but the truth and nature, we’ve not been suited to each other at all, nothing like what one imagines meeting and being with your soulmate would be like.

But then again, how do we know what being with your soulmate would be like when we’re all so fucked up and untrue and unloving. And so perhaps our relationship is a true expression of two evil people bound together because of the united truth of our soul, and one day that bond would be reflected on all levels. And if it is, I can’t wait to see Marion’s face when such truth dawns on her that she’s stuck with me. And if it is only more of my fantasy, surely one day I will heal it and that will be okay - it will be good!, yet another fantasy biting the dust... so we’ll see and feel what happens next.


How the spiritual side of our lives has evolved; and our relationship with God.
Saturday, 19 April 2014

Marion grew up being taken to her local Presbyterian church by her mother, attended Sunday School, loved Jesus and God, started asking too many difficult questions that the minister couldn’t answer, so lost interest, determined to find out how things were for herself.
    Once she left home she gravitated to the more ‘alternative’ and natural way of things, then into the Eastern way, becoming a receptionist and living at the Siddha Yoga Foundation ashram in Melbourne and for a time in their ashram in India (which she hated - being in India that is).
    Then having ended all that and retreating to her apartment to live alone and just focus on trying to live true herself, she came across the Padgett Messages via my mother which led to our meeting.

My family weren’t church goers or interested in anything religious. My maternal grandfather became interested in a hatha yoga whilst in India through the war, and we only touched on it a little in our relationship, he giving me some books to read which didn’t have much of an impact on me - I didn’t understand them. He hadn’t pursued his interest in it very far, and we didn’t talk much about anything anyway.
    I went to a private Church of England boys grammar school which I hated and thankfully religion didn’t play much of a role in my life there, just going to chapel once or twice a week, listening to a few lines read from the Bible, being bored to tears listening to the reverend’s interpretation of them, it all succeeding perfectly in putting me off Christianity for life.
    Mum suddenly started seeing clairvoyants always trying to find out if a new man, and ‘the man’, having some years ago divorced dad, was going to come into her life during my early teens, and I went along and loved most of the ‘different’ women that gave me readings. They had something about them that intrigued me, and I caught the ‘must know about my future bug’ and asked them lost of questions about the spirits and how they ‘did it’.
    When living in London with my brother during my mind twenties we frequented many psychics, clairvoyants, Tarot readers, all hoping to gain some insight into our futures.
After the 1987 stock market crash I met a girl who introduced me to channelled spirit writings - Seth to begin with, she told me where the New Age book shop was, and that started it all for me.
    My having to leave the financial markets and with our working visas soon to expire, I started to think that perhaps there was some way I could ‘make it in the world’ along spiritual lines. I read all I could find that was channelled, which eventually led to meeting my own spirit guides, and once that happened I thought I’d ‘made it’, as surely they’d tell me what life - and my life - was all really about.
My brother and I went to America, met lots of the authors of the books I’d read, and had many experiences with spirits and people speaking with them. I came back to Australia, started to teach visualisation meditation and how to get in contact with your spirit and angelic guides. My brother returned form Los Angeles with the Padgett Messages, I changed my New Age meditations to Divine Love ones, and longed for and received the Love, helping with my brother to introduce other people to it for a couple of years, whilst having lots of incredible experiences with spirits and angels during our meditations and with them personally speaking to me. It was during this time I started speaking with Jesus as one of the spirits I regularly spoke with, but it was all mostly talking about what he’d written with James Padgett. And read The Urantia Book
    Toward the end of this time the feminine side of things started to interest me and I wondered why it wasn’t included, for surely it must exist. This led me to meeting Mary Magdalene and then my Heavenly Mother. It all evolved, one thing leading to another. And along the way, and because of what other spirits were telling me, I came to think that my role in life was to be a world teacher teaching about the Divine Love. And of course, it had to be a World teacher. My ego wouldn’t consider anything else. That was part of the family I came from, my mother and grandmother believing they were special and superior beings, all in their terribly narrow-minded sphere.
    Then I met Marion.
    Then my healing started.
    Then I really started to learn about the feminine - FEELINGS, and expressing them, and using them to uncover the truth of myself.

At the time of our meeting I was full-on into speaking with the spirits, I couldn’t see them much, but spent most of day ‘tuned into them’. Anything and everything that happened I talked to them about. So as the healing started I started to talk to them about that, and gradually as Marion and I have progressed, so they’ve helped expand my awareness and understanding of it all, however they’ve never coached me or told me I had to go this way or that, they have always only responded to my own natural leadings, which have always been coming up in me, right from the first time I met the spirits.
    Back then I would speak with the Mother and Father but I couldn’t converse with them, only getting one word at a time from Them, and then my mind would blow out with the light, and be off jumping around all over the place, racing from subject to subject firing off endless questions.
    My writing with the spirits has always been easier, more controlled and methodical and kept my mind from racing off. It has always been easier through my write with them, to just sort of tune in and away we go. However through the years and because of my healing, I’ve got better at it and become more disciplined in my writing. I used to scrawl away as fast as I could move the pen, and my English was atrocious. Then I started typing and got better at it with practice, and my mind slowed down; now I can receive what Mary or Jesus is saying and focus on my English as I go, and all in good time, not with the racing: quick I’ve got to get it all out, feeling. It’s much more enjoyable now, and yet over the last couple of years I’ve not felt like doing it as much. I used to write and talk with many Celestials, angels, nature spirits and ‘Bob’ my Indwelling spirit, all the time; with Mary and Jesus and the Mother and Father. Now I hardly speak with Celestials or other spirits, rarely speak with Verna and Bob, and only a fraction of what I used to with Mary and Jesus, but I converse more with the Mother and Father, that being a lot easier to do now without being so affected by Their light.
As I’ve come out of my head and given up my fantasy life, so my desire to just be more focused on myself and my feelings has grown, so less am I running away from myself wanting to be in my ‘other life’ with my spirit friends.

Marion early on had a go at writing with and speaking with spirits and the Father, she could easily do it, although didn’t believe that she was, but didn’t like it in the end because it was too much using her mind and taking her away from her feelings. The Father just kept telling her for years, ‘Keep going’, keep staying focused on your feelings, that’s all you have to do and all I want you to do - this she felt He was saying to her more than telling her with words.
    She doesn’t read any of my work, couldn’t bear it in the early days as she’s good at English and hated reading my mess; and also she’s not interested in the bigger picture stuff or what the world is doing and why, and all the rest I talk about with the spirits. They used to tell me things about her, where she was up to in her healing, where she was going, what she’d see next about herself, when I asked, but she didn’t want me to tell her, she wanted to find it all out for herself, and so I gave up asking them about her, and about myself, becoming content to allow my feelings to reveal to myself the truths I need. So now I look to my feelings, and if I feel the need to, might ask Mary or Jesus or the Mother and Father about something to help me understand, but I don’t enjoy being off in my mind like I used to anymore, now it hurts and makes me feel bad.

I came at it all solely from the mind; Marion from her feelings. She always said what she felt, and understanding and knowing would come to her. If I talk about anything I have written or understood from the spirits, not only does she instantly know what I’m talking about, but has a lot more to offer in the moment spontaneously from her feelings. I have constantly marvelled at this about her. She’s not interested in the world from the mind perspective, but if I say I feel bad because of something going on in the world, she is immediately interested in me, and takes all the world stuff in her stride, almost as if she knows about all that anyway.

So my healing has been one of coming out of my mind, one long amazing waking up process to just how much I’ve denied myself the truth of myself. How I was taught to block out my feelings and do life through the mind. Marion was never allowed to escape into her mind, was never allowed to gain false power from it; was always forced to stay in her bad feelings, but was never allowed to express them. So her healing is all about finally letting all her yuk repressed feelings out, and seeing what happens, where they lead her, what they make her feel and think, all with the aim of getting closer to the Father and becoming her true self.

I too have wanted such things, only it all started out being an intellectual exercise, but gradually as I’ve got more in touch with my feelings, the mind side has lessened.

So far as longing for the Divine Love, when we first met we had lots of prayer and meditation times together and with a small group of people who were wanting to long for the Love and do their healing. (However it turned out with these other people it only sounded like a nice idea - doing their healing, as they stopped it as soon as they had to start facing the truth of their feelings.)
   Marion longs and longs but reckons she never really feels the Love flowing into her. When I look at her in prayer she looks like it’s coming into her. She’s always maintained that she doesn’t long properly, but I don’t know about that. Anyway, lately she feels she’s getting so much closer to the Father, and she’s no longer got the volume of bad feelings she used to have to deal with each day. So whether she’s received the Love or not, she’s certainly been progressing in her healing, and is definitely leading us both in it, taking me with her as she’s pushed deeper and deeper into her darkness. She’s never felt scared of her bad feelings, not like I have. And she has taken me way beyond anything I’d have ever dared to go by myself. I never even knew there was such depths to us, and so many horrible depths.
    Marion prays and has her time with the Father every morning, and is always asking Him for what she wants, she used to write out long lists. She said today she’s now feeling increasingly like she is truly His child, and like a child does, it asks its parents for what it wants. And she wholly understands He gives her what is best for her, so best to help her with her healing. She starts off her praying saying Jesus’ prayer from the Padgett Messages, but if she gets sidetracked with feelings and thoughts after the first line, that doesn’t matter, she just goes with them.
    I’ve never learnt Jesus’ prayer always preferring to just long and say what comes in the moment, I don’t like any sort of ritual. I used to like having our formal prayer times, but no longer do. I hardly ever now sit in formal prayer longing for the Love. I long when I feel to, and mostly it’s when I’m relaxing on the couch and looking out the window. I no longer sit in meditation ‘tuning in’ and speaking with the spirits. Now I am happy to just sit in the ‘light’ and if the Holy Spirit responds to my longing, great, if not, I don’t mind. I know the Mother and Father will give me the Love I need as I need it.
   And as I’ve said elsewhere, over the years the amount of Love I receive as dwindled to almost nothing, very rarely, such as twice in the last sixth months and for only about five minutes, has the Holy Spirit come about, once with it coming to both Marion and I at the same time so I could see she was receiving the Love despite what she believes. In the beginning I used to sit in meditation for up to one or two hours at a time about four or five times a day. My brother and I were always going up to the prayer room for a ‘tune in’, as we called it. (And since I started my healing we have gone our separate ways, he not wanting to tackle his healing yet - or understanding that it’s there to be done one day.)
    Once I started my healing in earnest, I realised that I was using my prayer time as just another way to escape feeling bad, praying for the Love and wanting it and sitting in the spiritual light to make me feel good. But I couldn’t sit in it all day long, that was life-denying. So less and less did I formally long, and then during our time at Harry Street in Morrabbin, years would go by without my receiving any Love. The Mother and Father said I had all I needed for the time being in my soul, that it was far more important to work in healing myself through my feelings. And over the years I’ve come to see how we are to do our healing without using the Divine Love to try and keep our truth-denial and evilness going. The Love will always be there for me, now having received some of it, so there is no rush to transform my soul. And really, it can’t be transformed anyway until I’ve perfected my natural love through my healing for it to transform. So all my focus is on my healing, although I do keep longing for the Love every time I feel to - and not because I believe I should.

Looking back over the years Marion’s healing has been one long constant ongoing expression of her bad feelings. The same things would make her feel bad, giving rise to the same issues of self-hated over and over, all which mostly she’s already known about herself, but all needing the repressed emotion and feeling to come out. And as that has happened, she’s grown in the truth and understanding about it all, and about herself being evil.
    During the early years she would go on for days and weeks expressing the same bad feelings, really I don’t know how she did it, or how she’s had so much repressed feeling in herself. My pathetic attempts would last at best half an hour with her coaching and encouraging, then I’d suddenly see something about myself and that would be it, I couldn’t go on, I’d had enough, even having to go and lie down for a few hours to recover.
    My healing has been one long ongoing shock of new revelation as to how bad I am, how badly I was treated and how terrible our whole state is. It’s been as I said, one huge new awareness and understanding that has grown in me. But with Marion, nothing is a surprise to her, it is as I said as if she already knows it all, but all she is doing is liberating the whole repressed feeling of it.
So we will drive for hours with her expressing her yuk and talking about aspects of herself, her relationship with her parents, her evilness, going deeper and deeper understanding it all, it all just flowing out of her. She longs always for the Truth. And it’s always just coming to her, a bit here and bit there. She’s always saying: you know I see this new aspect about myself... and away she’d go as it all unfolds.
    My healing is more like shock therapy. It happens in blocks, almost as if each day I am to receive my quota of revelation and once that’s done, I feel happy with my achievement, then await the next instalment.
    I’ll have a dream, something about it will make me feel odd. I’ll talk about it with Marion, she always adding her bits that comes to her, and then I start to move this way and that through the feelings that start to come up, and then suddenly up comes the truth, and I start to see it, connect it with my ever evolving picture of myself - another piece of the jigsaw slots into place, I feel blown out yet happy, or at times even worse with yet more bad feelings to express, and then it all settles down until the next time around. So I look at myself as in my soul is constantly revealing to me new aspects and parts of my relationship with my parents to me, it all being shocking and revelatory. Whereas Marion is just one big ongoing revelation that she’s growing into, as if she already understands it, and is slowly feeling better and better about herself in it all. Her good self-love feelings have only recently started to come over the last year. Perviously she would have brief moments of feeling good, as if she were coming up for air, a few hours or a day at most when she felt better about herself and could feel she was making progress, then she’d be swamped by her bad feelings again for months or even years at a time. But that’s all currently changing with the good feelings starting to outweigh her bad ones. So I like to think - but not too much, that possibly there is an end in sight for her. But as for myself, although we’ve moved in sync with each other, matching each other step by step along the way in truth, I still feel like I’ve got miles to go compared to her.

I have many dreams often with them helping me to feel bad, which upon expressing and talking about each morning with Marion, lead into uncovering copious amounts of truth about myself. Marion rarely remembers her dreams. She does all her healing in her waking state with her feelings.

Marion has been like an exemplary A grade student all the way along in her healing. It is her life, it is herself, she has felt what she’s been in for all the way along, and has completely wanted it, even begging the Father to keep making her feel bad so she can express all her yuk out of herself.
    I’ve been like the recalcitrant child, knowing it has to take its medicine and that it will help it to feel better, but kicking and screaming and resisting all the way along. With Marion having to work on me to get me going expressing feelings, keeping on reminding me what it’s all for and what it’s all about, getting angry with my trying to stop both of us doing it, for being silly and not taking full responsibility for it, and for just making it more difficult for us both than it might have been - which means: if was like Marion. But as I am not, with all the shit done to me making me be so shut off from my feelings knowing nothing about feeling expression, so we’ve had to battle our way along. But as Marion keeps pointing out, this has in fact been exactly what she’s needed, as it’s forced her to come out and take charge of herself, to look to herself and after herself, rather than just following the man along. I’ve been an all but useless man in the healing side of things, so she has had to bring it all out of herself and mostly without my help, with my even fighting against her, which has forced her to assert expressing all her bad feelings, so we’ve actually worked perfectly well together, with our truth showing us during times of lucidity, how we’re going and how it’s all coming together.

Marion has always felt unloved, like shit, very bad, wanting to kill herself to end it all, been full of self-hatred, and generally very hard on herself, putting herself down believing there is nothing about her to like, that everyone hates her and really she should be wiped of the planet to do everyone a favour. But thankfully all of that is now going. It’s taken a huge effort, so many years of such hard work for her, but she’s beginning to feel so much better about herself, even liking and loving herself, things which we’ve both thought she’d never be able to do.
    I believed I was liked and even loved, that I loved, that I was okay, even good, even very good. That I could do anything and everything, I only had to put my mind to it. That I was from the superior levels of life and should be treated and respected as such. And that although I was aware I was unhappy, but still not very in touch with such unhappiness, that really I was ‘above’ all that anyway, and so I would be able to find how to get over that minor hiccup and get on with it - start my great life... which never happened. I never could work out how to get over my unhappiness once and for all.
    So I’ve had to break down all my falseness, which has meant first becoming aware that I am like that. And I have Marion to thank for that. She’s hacked away at me as if I were some huge block of stone, chipping away reducing me to a few puny nondescript pebbles. All helping me realise I can’t do anything, I am false, a lie, full of shit, and not all right. That I can’t express myself, can’t communicate with other people, am not sympathetic to their pain, wouldn’t know what love is, and are just a very sad lonely hopeless unwanted little boy, who’s clinging on like mad to the untruth that his mother loves him, or that she will any moment, and I only have to keep hanging on.

Through her healing and as she’s got older, and during those times over the last couple of years I thought it was to be her end, I’ve felt so scared that I’d be left without her, and with no one to help me continue with my healing - masses more bad feelings I had to express.
She’s as spiritual as she always was, yet you’d not know it if you weren’t on the look out for such things. And yet she’s also full-on the living truth now, more so every day. I can see it shinning out of her, I always have, but it’s becoming brighter the light of her truth as she’s growing in self-confidence. And her ability to see into the heart of someone and see what they are not seeing, but what they are showing in their life or in the words they speak, is still something I am awed by and feel privileged to witness. I will never get bored being with her, that much I now know.
    And as for myself, as hard as it is to be self-objective, I’d say I’m feeling more true - more happy and centred in myself. I feel better by the day thanks to feedback coming from Samantha and Wesley on the forum, they representing what the outside world thinks and feels about what I’ve written, and I don’t feel I need to worry about any of it anymore, nor do I have that: quick, rush, get it all finished and get it out there so other people can use it and help themselves, feeling anymore. I guess I am slowly - at least I’d like think I am - maturing into my understanding of the truth. It’s all becoming more real: what our evilness is, how it’s come about, and how we are to go about healing ourselves of it. And I feel infinitely better about not feeling so miserable and deeply depressed, anxious and scared as I used to. And recently my feeling like I’m being constantly criticised or about to be at any second, is fading, coinciding with Marion hardly picking me apart or picking me up on all by false and wrong behaviour like she used to, as it’s no longer there. So my self-esteem is also starting to grow, and through my feelings, which I can feel is genuine, not like the false ego bravado confidence I used to carry on with.

We both still however as I’ve said, feel deeply unloved, and still feel we need a lot of help to go deeper and bring all of it up and out. I used to want to know where we were at in our healing, and how much we had to go, which of course I could never know, but the Mother and Father and Bob used to indulge me by saying you’ll soon be finished, but as soon has not as yet arrived after all these years, I’ve given up asking. Marion has always been completely in the feeling-moment. This is how I am feeling now... this is how I am feeling now... and so when I finish my healing, I will be feeling... and on it goes. And I’m beginning to live as she does.
    All the way along I’ve felt she is like the pattern or ‘Way’ I am to live. And slowly as I’ve been ground down into nothing and rebuilt, I’m able to follow her more. She has always been right, I have mostly always been wrong. And I’ve had to eat humble pie. She’s had to accept that she has been right - that she IS right, and that it’s not a bad thing, and that people won’t hate her for it. I’ve thought I’ve known, but it’s turned out I didn’t have a clue; Marion has always said she’s not known, but I wonder at times if indeed she’s always known.

I used to think she was more fucked than I was. But when I got right into my yuk, feeling for days like I was being dragged along the road with all my skin and insides slowly being ripped out and off me, and on all levels, not just the physical, and I started to think: could I possibly be in a worse state then her? Then I used to think I was more fucked than her because of my inability to express myself. But now I see it doesn’t matter, we’re both fucked and coming at it from opposite ends of the ‘we’re fucked spectrum’. And how we are perfectly suits what we need to help each other, and now our friendship is starting to grow having thrown it and all the false love out and allowing each other to fully hate ourselves, each other, the world and God.
    Now we’re both starting to see and feel more how amazing the whole experience of evil is, and dare I even say it, I am grateful for the Mother and Father for giving it to me. For as Marion says, how can you know about not feeling loved without experiencing what that feels like. And how much more does experiencing not feeling loved make you appreciate feeling loved, and what love actually is - and what it truly feels like.

So we’re both waiting to see how our deepest fears and feeling unloved is to be healed, so see where the Mother and Father take us. To see how our relationship together will evolve, whether we will finish our healing - this phase in our lives, then separate moving onto something else. And whether our healing will end before we die. We’re both looking forward to ending it all here, yet we’re both as of only recently, happy about just living out the remainder of our days seeing what happens, not feeling so much like we wish it was all over so we could go and be in spirit where nature is not getting abused and where we might be able to get the help we need to go into our deepest unloving parts.

Personally, I think, and I’m probably wrong as usual, that we can and will finish our healing before we die. I want to have the whole experience of doing it whilst of flesh. However, I’m also now just happy to wait and see. My body feels so fucked, as does Marion’s, that we can imagine popping off at any moment, although we dread having the other die and we have to carry on without them. We are still appreciating just how important it is to speak out all our feelings, and also to have someone with whom we can share ourselves with, someone who will listen to all our thoughts and feelings, and someone who is a true friend by allowing us to do it, without trying to stop us or take over. Every day we see how truth and understanding comes to us from simply speaking about all we feel. It’s such a remarkable process, and really, when you can express yourself freely, one that is so natural and easy. It only being difficult because of all the wrongness we have confusing ourselves.

We both feel like on a spiritual level we’ve outgrown the world, as if in some ways we’re sort of floating above it. We look back at ourselves as to how we use to be, all we believed and thought and it’s as if we’re now on top of a high mountain looking back at our old selves way down there just starting the ascent. One bloody great mountain of bad feelings.

And although we feel like we’ve risen high above what everyone else considers being spiritual, seeing it all for what it is - just the outworking of our wayward minds, we feel we’re more earthed and centred in our lives, happy just plodding along, happy listening and singing and crying along to a bit of Neil Young, Marion squirting her latest perfume she loves - Kylie Minogue's Darling - all over herself, and delighting in the fact that it’s her perfume and she is free to put it on as much as she likes and wherever she likes, being finally able to do things she’d liked to have done as a girl but was never allowed to do. Being free to just explore her likes and dislikes rather than being told she has to have it always how her parents want it, and she has to like it that way, or else. Being free to follow her feelings uninterrupted and supported by me knowing I keep approving of her doing so, even though less and less does she need such approval. Feeling by the day, happier and more confident in herself that she is living true to her feelings, and she is living with the Father and how He wants her to live. Feeling her fears of being with people are going as she feels freer and freer to just say whatever she feels to say, and not what she was told to say. Free to start opening up and exploring her own self, something she’s always dreamed of being able to do, yet something her parents never even allowed her to get more than a glimpse of.

So I guess in writing this, it’s very pleasing and it feels really good, that despite our still having things wrong with ourselves and feeling deeply hurt and unloved, we’re now beginning to reap a lot of the benefits of our healing, feeling so much better about ourselves on other levels. And each day I feel better about knowing that the doing of our healing is the way to truly help ourselves, and I am just so pleased the Mother and Father had it all planned that Marion would come into my life when she did.


How our actual feeling experiences have changed over the years.
Sunday, 20 April 2014

Once Marion and I established that we were going to ‘do our healing’, and roughly what that meant: try and live true to ourselves through our feelings; and once I firmly understood from her that meant accepting and expressing and seeking the truth of all my bad feelings, then we settled down into what has been our healing relationship.

Marion started speaking about how bad she felt, masses of bad feelings, all sorts of bad feelings, everything from not wanting to have sex, to having a bad headache every day that she took six Panadine over the day for, her bad period pains, her feelings of feeling so unloved by her parents, endlessly about how badly they treated her, on and on, day and often half the night, more and more bad feelings. And then within her pauses, I tried my attempts at it.

Marion has talked endlessly for all these years, with only recently all the bad emotions easing right off, with her only feeling bad for short periods now whilst mostly feeling better and better about herself. For sixteen years straight she spoke endlessly about every bad feeling and hardly a good one.

As I’ve been broken down out of my inability to express and even recognise my bad feelings, so I’ve started to speak more. Looking back I don’t how we managed to fit in all we spoke about, but it’s all worked perfectly. We’ve rarely had to speak at the same time, but if we do, it’s become easy to stay with our own stuff taking it in turns as more comes up.

Marion would probably say if you asked her that I have talked way more than her, but I’d say she’s talked way more than I have. Anyway, one way or another we seem to hopefully be getting to the end of it, which might only be my wishful thinking, as I’ve often thought that only to be proved wrong.

I’ve written a book including some of Marion’s and my experiences of expressing our feelings, these being done back at Harry Street in Morrabbin. And this was the time when Marion would go on for days and weeks about the same bad things, over and over driving me to distraction with them, which forced me to go deeper and acknowledge hidden anger I had about mum and Gran going on and on and over and over about the same things, also driving me mad but none of which I was able to express. My feeling-healing books on my Divine Love Spirituality website give these healing examples, so there’s no need here for me to give them again. So for the purpose of this writing, I want to try and outline some of the main phases we’ve been through so far in our healing.

So Marion just started with herself feeling hated and completely unloved by her parents, and took herself deeper and deeper into it. Now she’s coming up out of her Valley of Darkness, changing into loving herself instead of despising and absolutely loathing herself and looking at herself as being the lowest most vile scum ever to walk on the earth.

She has shown me the depths of despair one can possibly have in oneself. I didn’t get all that hatred as she did, I was supported, and even falsely loved enough to ensure my ego could empower something of itself, enough to think I was okay, and likeable, and certainly nothing as bad as what Marion has felt about herself.

She has been in these dark scary parts of herself for years, for her whole life, she wasn’t allowed to escape the pain and run away into her mind creating all the feel-good fantasies like I was able to do. And she has led me step by step through her own pain and darkness into mine, ever so gently now when I look back over it all, all illustrating the sheer mastery of her soul.

I systematically, so I’ve come to see through my healing, built up layer upon layer of self-delusion, based around the untruth that we all loved each other in our family, and that mum loved me and had my best interests at heart. And layer upon layer have I been systematically stripped back to the raw bones of truth, showing me time and time again, almost another part every day, just how wrong my beliefs about myself and relationship with my parents and family were. It’s been an incredible experience to stop and be made to turn around, and to have to face, own up to, admit, come clean, that my feelings have been right all along, and my mind and it’s beliefs, wrong.

But to go back into myself I’ve also had to have all my unloving behaviour shown to me. Marion has painstakingly pointed it all out as it’s come to her attention, and doing so all through her feelings. I would do something, then she’d feel bad, often not for some time, hours or even days later, then she’d start expressing her bad feeling which would help her identify the truth of what it was that I’d done that caused her to feel bad. Then we’d work together on me, tying to help me see it, to see if I could feel and connect with why I did it; and could I see that it was unloving and rejecting of her, and so that it was right that I made her feel bad.

And I’ve hated every minute of it. Sometimes up to twenty or thirty times a day she’d point out how bad I was making her feel, and fuck me, by the end of the day I’d feel slaughtered, reduced to nothing, broken down, having to admit, yes I am an arsehole to each one of the things I said and did; and feeling so bad that I did them, that I hurt her, treated her like shit, rejected her, didn’t respect her, took her for granted, even hated her, all without my having any idea that my behaviour and negative beliefs creating it, was wrong, bad, evil and unloving. And then even worse, which started happening after about ten years, seeing that I was even doing these bad things to myself. Then from about three years ago; that yes, I could start to see that it was BECAUSE I was doing these bad things to myself, all of which were done to me, that I was doing them to her.

There have been distinct cycles of this ongoing stripping me back and our working to uncover what I was doing. And the same problems and behaviour would come up repeatedly, with each time Marion bringing them to light through her feeling bad, taking me deeper into myself and so understanding them. And when I finally could connect with them, see them for the horrible things they were - admit to them all, all the layers, they’d just go. I wouldn’t even be aware they went, but years later something would remind us of one such bad unloving behaviour I’d had, and we’d realise I hadn’t acted that way or said anything like that for years.

I see these cycles like waves rippling through me; Marion doesn’t see then, nor does she care or want to see them, she’s not interested in the why’s and wherefores of how it all happens, she just flows with it all. Yet it has shown me very clearly it’s all masterfully worked out, every experience we have, and all either to advance our negative state or heal ourselves of it.

Marion is onto every tiny bad feeling as soon as she detects it, and no mucking about, no hesitancy, straight out with it, even if she doesn’t know what it was: I feel... it’s sort of like... and away she’d go like a sleuth working within herself to express every little part. She’d long for the truth, long to the Father to help her bring up and out and see the truth of it, but she’d never go digging back in her past for the truth, she’s never been interested in that, just intent to keep speaking about her yuk, and if anything comes, good, if not, then there must be more yuk still to come, so keep on it. And things come to her all the time. She’ll suddenly say: I’ve just realised...; or, you know, I can see how... and often I can’t see any correlation between what she might have been speaking about over the last week and what she starts seeing about herself, her parents, other members of her family, anything to do with her early life, nature, the world, anything to do with any of her past relationships with people, the Father. For me, it’s bad feelings, talk about them, long for their truth, keep going, and up comes the truth; ah, directly related to what I’ve been talking about; I get it, I see it, talk more about what I see and now feel, get more of the picture with my mind, it all slots into place; feel relieved, I’ve progressed, a bit more truth; then onto the next thing. One long evolving series of pictures unfolding about myself and my negative state.

Marion has a wonderful timelessness about it all, and she’s never judgemental, never hard on herself for feeling bad, never in a rush to do it and get it over with, never: oh god you’ve talked about this so much before, aren’t you sick of it yet, isn’t it driving you crazy, I’m fed up with it, I wish it would just piss off - like I am. She just accepts it all as she lives it. Now I am feeling this, so now I express and speak all I can about this feeling, good or bad. Now I am feeling this feeling... and it doesn’t matter if it’s the same feeling over and over, or the same bad feelings that she’s endlessly spoken about countless times over the years. It’s simply, this is my current bad feeling, and it’s completely irrelevant if it’s the millionth time she’s had that same bad feeling. And she’ll work tirelessly at expressing it, often going over the same old ground recounting the same experiences of her past. I’m climbing the walls through sheer boredom, even with myself if the same bad feelings come up for the third time, as mum couldn’t stand the sameness, even though she was so much the same and so boring with her mother being thousands of times worse. So I have had no time for such repetition of bad feelings, yet Marion, not a problem, she even loves all her bad feelings in a way, relishes that she’s feeling them, thrives on the challenge of trying to bring it all out and articulate all she’s feeling. For her, it’s her life, it what she is, and her way out of her pain. Nothing else interests her. And as it’s the only thing that’s worked for her, so keep going, never stop, and see what happens. For me, it’s: oh fuck I’m sick and tired of these shit bad feelings, I’ve had two of them in my life so isn’t it about time they all fucked off, isn’t that enough so I can finally get on with my very important life of getting somewhere in a career or whatever Gran said would happen. I have had no tolerance for my bad feelings, and even though I’ve come to work out and understand the theory of the healing and why I should do it, yes, that’s all fine, and yes I agree with it, and yes that’s what I want to do, but all so long as it only takes five minutes - all right God!

So she has pushed and badgered and cajoled and even yelled at me to express my fucking bad feelings, to try harder: don’t you want to heal yourself, you’ve not fully committed yourself to it, you’re still just fooling yourself, dicking around in your mind. But as I’ve come to see for myself, I can’t be other than how I am, as fucked as that might be, it’s how I’ve formed in my unloving state. And so yes, I do want to heal myself, and yes I am as committed as I can be, only: I can’t do it like you can for yourself, I need YOU, always another fucking person to help me, to keep chipping away at me to break me down, all so I can get away from my controlling mind and just begin to actually allow myself to have a feeling or two. Even if they are bad ones.

All the way through our healing I’ve felt like we’ve been descending into our darkness, the ‘hell within’, descending the Valley of Inner Darkness, only I’ve not appreciated how deep that valley or well we’re falling down, has been. Often I thought we’ve hit the bottom, only to be plunged for a few more years deeper, and then deeper still for a few more years, and so on. Now at least I feel we’re something of walking along the river bottom, possibly even beginning to think about starting the climb out. But as I’ve said, we still feel deeply unloved and traumatised by our upbringings, still so scared and angry about it all, but just with less and less emotion and bad feelings about it all to express. And as I’ve long since given up trying to predict where we are in it, where we might go next, how much is left, so I just go day to day now, feeling to feeling, almost, but not quite, like Marion does.

Marion would have something come into her life that kept pressing masses of bad feeling buttons for her. Me, our cat Potsy, having anything to do with other people, and the birds being the main things. And over and over she’d express all the same bad feelings that came up because of us all. And for about seven years she compulsively fed the birds. She couldn’t stop doing it. She was more than just hooked on it, she had to do it because it was parents telling her to do it, and her whole life depended on it. If she didn’t do it, it being what her parents said to do, her life wasn’t worth living.
    So the birds would come, more and more birds. But I kept the reigns on her financially as she would have fed every cent we had to them in the form of meat and anything else, all because they kept coming asking her for it - she couldn’t say no. They learnt how to ask, which window to come to, how to peck on the door and glass, how to sing for her to come, how to even, but this might be stretching it a bit far, psychically let her know they were outside waiting for her - all wild birds.
    And it was so hard, we loved having them so close, and they made Marion feel like at least someone wanted her, even if was only for food. And so she couldn’t reject them because then they’d be her and she’d be rejecting herself as her parents rejected her.
But they’d become too demanding, their babies would come, they’d want extra food for them, yet I said no we can’t keep buying more and more meat, we have to budget and you have to limit yourself to that. Oh the pressure at times was unbearable, I’d be yelling at her to just stop, she’d be yelling at me, that no, she can’t, it would be too cruel not giving them what they wanted. And I’d be saying, but it’s cruel feeding them all that shit meat that’s bad for them. And we’d be trapped and locked into this rising climax of emotions and powerlessness, neither of us able to do anything. I couldn’t just crunch her, put my foot down and say no more, stop her having the money because half of it was hers anyway; and was it worth leaving her because I was fed up and fucked off with her and her birds and all the bird shit and worry and her spending most of the day either preparing food for them or worrying if they are waiting; and if they weren’t, why aren’t they because they should have come back by now. And then she’d be trying to cut back and say no, but she just couldn’t; and breeding season would come around again, and they’d be more and more of them; and what about the neighbours, and we can’t just keep buying roast chickens because pa magpie loves the roast skin, and we don’t want to eat chicken anymore anyway, we don’t want to eat meat and yet you’re feeding half a ruddy cow off to the birds every month, it’s madness, and we’d both scream at each other, thrashing it all out. And all the way along Marion kept expressing her endless bad feelings and helping me to bring my anger at her out, getting me to break down my barriers, to yell and scream and threaten her, but never to take over and control and stop her, just to allow her to keep going, feeding and expressing whilst I expressed all my side, and to see what happened. And then finally, seven long years later, she was able to say no, and stopped. And one good thing about her is once it has all come out, that’s it, it has all come out, and so when she finally arrives at that point, at the final no, often having said no a few times but going back on it; but once the final no comes and she truly feels it all through her, that’s it, no more bird feeding, it was over, it had served its purpose. And as the birds stopped coming, she kept expressing how bad and sorry she felt for them not getting what they wanted, but she was now more important than they were, she had to say no to look after herself, finally, finally being able to stand up to her parents and say no.
    But through it all, we did have some wonderful and incredible experiences with the birds, and they helped open us up to the beauty of nature even more. And they helped us learn so much about ourselves and about humanity in its anti nature state, and how we should really be with nature and ourselves if we were living true to our feelings. It was a huge experience, the whole bird thing, but now we’ve moved on; Pots died, the birds have gone, and we’ve been able to turn more in on ourselves.

Marion was forced by her mother to stay out and not go into her feelings, to keep up a smiling nice face whilst she attended to the needs of everyone else other than herself. Her healing has been about reversing this, and now currently she’s not wearing her glasses unless she has to about the house. She can see well enough inside at what she wants to do, even though I’m just a blur sitting opposite her on the other couch; but she no longer wants to look out the windows, even looking at the birds, because all she sees makes her feel bad. Nature now makes us both feel bad, as much as we love it, still to see a gorgeous swamp hen near the side of the road, or a dog running around off its leash, even looking out not seeing as many rabbits knowing it’s the season they poison them all, it’s all to horrible, too much pain and suffering, so she’s withdrawing even more.

We’ve been so lucky how it’s all gone for us so far as both of us being able to be with each other virtually nonstop. I’ve worked a little casual work over the years, had to do things for the dole, but mostly we’ve been able to stay together, and more and more just inside the house without wanting to go out for drives or long walks in the parks and reserves like we used to.
    She has amassed a huge collection of books from the op shops. She loves reading all about how bad other peoples lives are, books I’d never touch, but ones that she’s encouraged me to read or has read out to me, all of which have helped us no end in understanding our own pain, seeing it in humanity, and helping us to feel bad so we can express yet more bad feelings.
    I read about stuff on the Internet to do with the world’s goings on and anything spiritual, although I’ve about had enough of all of that lately. So as we’ve both changed we’ve come inside in a way, coming back to ourselves, having been forced outside and away from our true selves by our parents.

And we have changed hugely, mostly on the inside. We have little exterior changes, for example, Marion suddenly realised that she can actually open another bottle of Darling and have one with her on the table in front of her couch, and one in the kitchen, all of about five metres away. So she can squirt herself wherever she pleases, not having to walk all that way back to her couch from the kettle every time.
    And although it might seem like a small thing, it’s a huge change for her, showing her that she is no longer under the power of her parents, that she can have things how she wants them, and how they suit her. She was never allowed to find out what did suit her, what she was like, what she liked or disliked, where she wanted her things, as she never had any or if she did, they had always be how her mother wanted them to be. So as she’s letting go of that total control her parents had over her, so she’s able to express and feel what she really wants to do, and for now, she wants a bottle of perfume there and there. And even being able to have TWO bottles, and even TWO BOTTLES ON THE GO AT THE SAME TIME, unheard of, never in her life, perfume was frowned upon anyway, but she only could have one thing at a time and had to finish that before she got another if she was lucky.
    And we’re so lucky that she likes Darling and Kate Moss’ Kate which only cost $19 and $15 dollars respectively on special - that they do have specials! First she bought a bottle of Dior’s Diorissimo delighting in the airy Lilly of the Valley fragrance, but at $135 a bottle and with it not lasting very long on her, it was a luxury we couldn’t afford, and definitely not so she can have six bottles of it on the go at the same time if she wants to.
    And she can’t believe she likes the more deeper intriguing Darling so much, having loved Kate for a few months, and that it’s ALL HERS, and that I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, NO SAY IN HOW MUCH SHE USES, OR WHEN SHE USES IT. It’s lucky I like the smell too.
    And then she can have a few bottles at once, it’s within our budget, THAT I SAY YES, AND WHY DON’T YOU BUY TWO OR THREE; and that she doesn’t have to be limited to one, not being able to buy another bottle until she’s finished it; she can’t believe it all, as if she’s being let out into life, her own life, a life she might even like a bit for the first time in her life.
    And even though she had perfumes on and off through her working life, still it’s nothing like it is now, she had them back then for all the wrong reasons, all part of her self-denial and the show she had to maintain so as to be acceptable. She had those perfumes really for everyone else, not simply for her own pleasure, whereas now IT’S ALL FOR HER. And for Marion to begin to feel like, and even have, a life that’s all for her - her own life, that is magnificent, I have prayed for it everyday since I met her and understood the pain and horror she grew up in; and so having witnessed her speaking out all that pain and agony, seeing it on her face and in her whole body, and seeing it leaving her bit by bit, and all that it’s helped her to see; and now to see that she can enjoy the simple pleasure of having her own perfumes for herself and to squirt on WHENEVER SHE FEELS TO; and for her to see that she does actually feel to, it all being part of her self, is a tribute to what can be achieved through ones healing.
    And as to whether the perfumes remain is neither here nor there, she will use them for as long as they provide her with the experiences she needs. And once she’s expressed all the feelings, good and bad that result from them; and once she’s uncovered all the truth that comes from them, then they will possibly go; but as to whether they will go before she dies or whether they will be a part of her life for the rest of it, who knows, and who cares, because she’s only interested in all she feels.