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Post by James on Mar 13, 2014 10:45:40 GMT 10
You don’t want to hurt mummy now, do you!
‘Now stop that, you don’t want to hurt mummy do you, if you keep carrying on like that you’ll only make things harder for mummy and you don’t want to do that, do you! You don’t want to be mean and nasty to mummy; that behaviour makes mummy feel bad and you don’t want to make mummy feel bad, do you! So come on now, you’re to be good so mummy feels good, and you want mummy to feel good, don’t you!’
It’s all about mummy.
I want to take a baseball bat to her and smash and smash and smash mummy for all her nasty and mean manipulative ways.
I used to see parents with their children and feel bad at how they were treating them, the things they were saying to them and putting on them, but not understanding the deeper connection. And until Marion helped me to understand the psychology involved, I didn’t know what was really going on, I just felt bad and sorry for the child.
Now through my healing I’ve come to see that why those things those parents were doing to their children made me feel bad was because they were the same things and the same sorts of things my parents did to me.
My ‘mummy’, the ‘mummy’ who so loved me because she said she did, hurt me to my core by putting all that sort of evil manipulative shit on me. She made me feel so sorry for her, she was so hurt by the mean and nasty things I did to her, by all my terrible behaviour, all of which I didn’t mean to do; all of which I had no idea I was doing; all of which as it’s now turning out, as I’m able to see through the eyes of an adult all my feelings from being with ‘mummy’ as they are surfacing in me, weren’t bad things at all, and didn’t hurt her - they wouldn’t have hurt anyone, all that shit being just her way of controlling me. She depowered me making me feel completely sorry for her, so not wanting to ever hurt my precious and dear ‘mummy’, I chose to not do anything, to stay in my little corner and be the good boy and never do anything to upset ‘mummy’.
Fuck mummy the horrible evil nasty bitch she was. Sure she didn’t hit me, but she coerced and manipulated the shit of me to get what she wanted, to make me behave as she wanted me to. And still everything I do I fear is going to upset her and I’m going to get into trouble and be made to feel like I’m the most evil nasty person in the world because I made ‘mummy’ feel bad.
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Post by James on Mar 22, 2014 10:33:13 GMT 10
Little boy in op shop.
This is how it was for me:
Stay here, stay with me, don’t go over there... put that down, don’t touch it, do as you’re told, be a good boy... I told you not to go over there, you’ve only got yourself to blame, it serves you right, so stop crying, behave now, stop it, we won’t have anymore of that now... Stay here!, don’t touch that!, put that back!, no, you can’t have it, now do as I say, put it down, NO! I said, stop it, now behave yourself or we’ll go home...
This is how it was for the little boy with his parents at the op shop yesterday. The mother is in one aisle the father in another, the boy free to go and do what he pleases.
The little boy is near his father, he toddles along but trips over and starts crying. Then he wants his mother and runs - toddles - to find her. And he does find her, he knows she’s right around the corner. She immediately attends to him as she’s coming toward him to see what’s wrong. She picks him up, speaking soothing and comforting words to him all the time: ‘Oh did you fall over, that’s no good is it, that’s all right...’, allowing him to cry until he’s finished, and not once reprimanding him, controlling him, or telling him how he should be.
He stops crying and then toddles off to find dad, who talks reassuringly to him as he warmly welcomes him back.
Then a few minutes later, he’s crying again, and it’s back to mummy, and she picks him up again speaking comfortingly again until he stops crying, which takes quite some time. But eventually he stops, and she’s not angry or bothered by him crying at all, just including him in that’s she’s doing, always soothing and reassuring him. Then once he’s stopped crying it’s off to find and be with dad again, who again warmly welcomes him back. All no fuss with BOTH parents being there for him, attending to his needs, focused on him, whilst attending to their needs, and allowing him the freedom of exploring his own life. And most importantly, the freedom to express his pain and bad feelings when he needs to, letting him cry as much as he wants, crying out all his pain and discomfort. They are not interfering with him and making him feel unloved and unwanted by them; not constantly telling him off undermining his self-esteem and forcing him to keep so many of his bad feelings suppressed inside him. They are always letting him know he’s fine and wanted and loved, just how he is.
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Post by wesley on May 27, 2014 7:56:54 GMT 10
3rd grade sitting in math class daydreaming. Class was busy at work. As the teacher was walking up and down the isles stop at my desk. She caught me in my own world not wanting to be bothered with anything about school. She surprised me and touched me on my shoulder. She spoke the words to me in which I never heard before from an adult. "Wesley why don't you try?" I said I don't know. "Well let me tell you that you are the smartest one in the class if you just try". A feeling of such joy was impressed upon me because never did I hear such talk. Surprisingly she had no children of her own. After that day I became an A student from then to now in math. My career is in setting up machines directly related to mathematical skills. I would have had terribly hard time even finding anything in my life if it wasn't for that small sentence of encouragement that my teacher had given me at that time. And also knowing why my parents never spoke to me with any encouragement. They were perfect on rejecting me and destroying me. The very definition of unloving parenting
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Post by James on May 27, 2014 11:52:34 GMT 10
Wow Wes how amazing it is that just one tiny drop of light in the ocean of darkness can have such a lasting effect on you. Just that one drop of love and genuine concern for you, someone who cared about you and wanted the best for you, which fuelled your way to where you are now. How important it all is for us during our forming years! And because that one experience stands out so much to you, it then shows up the truth of all the other bad stuff you received. If your healing is anything like Marion’s, as she too has a couple of things like that people said to her that have underpinned her to some degree, but nothing to the degree it has for you, you’ll more than likely find this experience will be a central point you’ll come back to time and time again, using it to help you understand more of your darkness. I’m so pleased Wes you’ve written these two posts today, you obviously feeling more happy writing about all the terrible feelings you feel.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 8, 2015 3:58:14 GMT 10
I had some realisations today about how awful and truly untrue our parents want us, their children, to be. It brought up a lot of anger in me and made me see how I never, children never, really have a chance of being true. I was very disappointed with myself as I caught myself telling a lie to a customer today, wow, I was so let down by myself and felt in real pain about why I had to do that, it was nothing huge but it wasn't the full truth and it hit me like a blow to the face that I had been untrue, why, why did I feel the need to do that, such a set back for me, I felt truly disappointed in myself. I felt myself doing it and it was to late, I was in it, in the lie, I lost all track of what I was saying to her and went into the awareness that I was in the middle of telling a lie, and why, what's a matter with you Sam, what are you doing embellishing the truth, No,no,no,no, stop. I stopped mid flow as I was watching myself being untrue. I felt sick, sickened by what I was doing. All of a sudden I realised this customer was my Mum and I was lying to her so I wouldn't get told off, I actually felt like a child, right there at that moment I was a child lying to mum. If I lie to Mum I wont get told off, I will be liked and not to blame and she will still love me so I better lie to her for my own safety to still be loved because I cant stand the thought of not being loved by her. If I tell the truth to Mum I will get punished, she doesn't want the truth she wants the lie so I will do as she wants and lie to her. Oh My God, my parents wanted me to lie to them. The truth is not accepted I will be punished for telling the truth, they want me to lie, they are making me lie to them to keep them happy and not having to feel how the truth hurts them and then they will have to feel about it. They wanted me to lie, I know I keep saying it but I have only just realised hoe corrupt they were, they are, they all are to their children, they don't want truth at all. All the times I lied to them was because the truth wasn't accepted but the lie was, I was safe when I lied to them, they could accept the lie but not the truth. The truth isn't painful though as people think that truth hurts, its the error, the untruth that we chose to believe is true that hurts, and this is what the truth exposes, the error that we believe.
I can see why this happened to me today, I was so shocked and disappointed in myself that this happened but it has brought me so much truth, I have understood so much about why I lied as a child and I actually felt that child in me, lying today, it now seems amazing that it happened, I now understand why I did it and how my parents wanted me to stay believing in there error instead of in truth and made sure I stayed there, as every time they wanted the truth, I told them the truth and got told off for it, so that told me that they never wanted the truth at all, they wanted the lie so I learnt to give them what they wanted and by me lying today I learnt so much truth.
Our parents are so unloving to us they want us to lie, our first relationship was all based on lies as that was acceptable, we learnt the truth was not wanted and we carry this on in all of our relationships. Its all a lie. I am seeing this all the time now because I am rejected constantly for the truth, no one wants to be around me or listen to me because of the truth, everyone wants me to lie to them because it is acceptable to panda to every ones errors instead of expose them which I have been doing by speaking truth, I have no one because of truth, I am alone because of truth. Everyone wants me to keep them happy, as my parents did, by lying to them so now because I wont do that, I am an outcast, rejected because of truth. It has really hit home today that the whole planet is in total denial and rebellion to the truth, fantastic, brilliant, I am so happy at what has been exposed to me today, I just couldn't understand what had come over me, to lie like a child to her parents but wow, I get it, I am so amazed how when a truth is revealed to me, it consumes me, the understanding of it fills me with the deepest clarity.
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Post by James on Nov 8, 2015 21:57:25 GMT 10
Isn’t it so good Sam when you see it, when the truth comes, and best of all - you see it for yourself! It gives you such good feelings and you know it’s right and know you’re right and going along your true path - and getting better.
To wake up to the fact that all we are is one big lie, and that our parents are one big lie... And they had to make you lie and not tell the truth because that’s how it was for them; we’re all so scared of the truth as you said, it’s so bizarre that we can live for so long being so untrue and lying all over the place and without any idea of what we’re doing - let alone how damaging it is for us.
And have you thought Sam about why you felt so shocked and disappointed with yourself, why you’re so hard on yourself for lying, why you’re coming down on yourself for not being true? It’s just more of the same, you’ve been a bad girl not being the good truthful girl, so you have to punish yourself. There’s no escape, they covered all the bases, you’re punished if you lie, punished if you tell the truth. All we can do is scream with the agony of it all.
I came to understand that for myself of course I want to be true and so not lie, however there are times when I do lie, mostly so I don’t hurt or confront other people, it’s not necessary like at the Bush Bank to always tell the truth because those people aren’t wanting the truth and can’t understand how I feel and see things, so I don’t want to upset and make it more difficult for them than it already is. The big difference being however, that now I am aware of when I lie, that it’s a conscious choice on my part, and I’m okay with that. And I know that because I am still striving to live true and able to accept all my feelings as I am doing it, that nothing bad is going to happen to me, God is not going to punish me for lying. And I long to live in a world in which everyone is free to express all they think and feel and so we can all be true. But I think I’ll be waiting for spirit before that ever happens.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 9, 2015 1:42:47 GMT 10
Thank you James. I saw that the harshness I felt at myself was the way my parents responded to me when I lied or told the truth, there is no winning as a child, it is all so impossible, they say they want the truth but they are to scary to tell the truth to and if I told mum the truth in confidence not to tell my dad she would go behind my back and tell him and then I would be in trouble, it ended up that there was no one to have on my side so the lies were the safest way to go, god, its all so wrong. I was thinking back on all the things my sister revealed to me, she knew the truth about certain things and I believed another story that I was told and I only found out the truth a few years ago, I was in shock that I have lived all my life believing a lie, they never thought I could handle the truth and that crushed me, they took my will about making decisions about how I felt about the truth if I had been given the choice to know it, I made choices on the error I believed, the lies I was told. Now if I lie I know that I am doing the same to someone else, I am not allowing them to make a decision based on truth, I have taken their will, almost saying you cant handle the truth as I couldn't according to my parents, I was not clever enough, not bright enough, not strong enough, not sensible enough to know the truth, its all so bloody wrong and insulting and very painful not to know the truth. When I lied to that woman in the shop I did what my parents did to me, I took away her will to know the truth and that felt like a very unloving act as soon as I had done it, I felt it. God never lies to me or any of their children and every time I do it, I am out of harmony with God, like I have made a choice to turn against God, I feel the distance instantly of how unloving I have been and how I am being the lie that they taught me to be, I am them. I know what you are saying James and the whole planet still values the lie over the truth because the lie supports our denial and rebellion of the truth and keeps us in our addictions, keeping us feeling ok and safe that we don't have to feel, it keeps up the strong wall that keeps us from the truth. The whole planet is saying don't you dare bring me any truth, I love the lie, I believe it and anyone who brings truth is hated because truth exposes the error, exposes the truth of the sadness and pain we work so hard to deny but I feel that if I am asked something directly and someone wants to know how I feel, then the truth is the only way if we are going to bring any change, turn it all on its head, only truth is loving and that will feel like pain to those who receive it but I feel that Truth never hurts, but does the loving thing of exposing the lie and I don't feel that that can ever be unloving. Will people ever be ready for the truth? Never if we don't begin and when we begin lives will be so different, when we work through the emotions that keep us lying, I feel it will then be impossible to lie, we have to just look at why we do it, why we want to soften the blow and are prepared to lie to keep people happy and not allowing them to feel their pain that the truth exposes, truth is always loving.
Thank you for all you write and respond to when I write, It gives me the chance to look at how I feel and grow about what you say and how it is that we all heal in our own ways and see the effect of that. I am feeling the effect of that every day, how I am accepted when I lie or embellish the truth, and how I am rejected when I speak truth but I am now willing to take that attack and feel all it brings to me, all the pain, rather than stay in the lie and panda to the untruth and I fully accept that not many will agree with me, which is fine and I honour their will to stay in denial but I also honour my will to grow in truth.
Thanks again James, everything you write about your and Marions healing is nourishment for me. It helps me grow in ways I never would have been able to before. I look every day for new posts and write how I feel about all you write and it takes me to new realisations and revelations, all amazing. Thank you both. xx
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Post by James on Nov 10, 2015 22:01:24 GMT 10
And thank you Sam for your thanks, I still feel weird at times responding, still working through so many things to do with it - am I doing it because I believe I should, or, is it really me - what I think and feel... and then, what and who is the real me, am I just such a compilation of them that I have no real idea of myself?
Today I was at the bank and the woman teller looked as though she didn’t want to deal with me. Previously we had - at least so I thought - good interactions, I like her, and yet lately she seems off-hand and not wanting to have anything to do with me. When I started to ask her about what I wanted her to do, I nearly asked her instead: Don’t you like me anymore?, and I think I would have asked her had the other woman not been there. And I instantly felt like I was young and she was mum, and I was scared of her, so afraid of her rejecting me and dreading what bad things she might say to me, and I could hardly get the words out for her to understand what I wanted her to do - she probably does think I’m some kind of dope or not-quite-right, no wonder she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me! And then as I was stuttering and mumbling and shitting myself through it, even though she seemed to get more friendly as we went on, I was in it, back at home, scared with mum, and I could really feel how being so scared of her has screwed up my communication and self-expression and has completely fucked up my self-confidence and self-esteem; how all my words jumble up and I can’t express myself properly, can’t even think straight, my head hurts - the pain I’ve had a lot lately, I’m too scared and panicky. And being in that state with mum so often and all through my forming years, I could see how my communication didn’t developed properly as is being shown to me with Marion pulling me up on so many things. As I got older I have been able to hide outwardly to some degree with false bravado some of the fear, but now letting that go I’m able to be in it more and see and feel and understand how it was for me.
And the other thing was I could see so clearly why I was attracted to this woman, because she reminds of me of mum, her hair - colour, length, texture, glasses, other things which I’d not noticed before, but suddenly she was mum sitting there with me scared to ask her to do something for me. And then I could see clearly how all that attracts me to women comes from mum and dad, how mum was, what attracted dad - what was ‘sexy’, and what mum thought was good looking, pretty, attractive, beautiful. It’s just keeps coming up.
I’m no longer feeling so desperately scared as I used to feel, but today I was scared relating to it differently, being right back in it. It unnerved me for the rest of my shopping, I felt shaky and all over the place, even though I had other good interactions with women; and with these women I could see how it’s not women and people out there in the world I’m actually scared of, like I thought I was being scared of strangers - they are more often than not nice to me and I enjoy interacting with them; that it’s mum, Gran and my other grandmother who I’m terrified of. Again, they are the evil ones, and they deflected everything away from themselves misleading me into thinking I wasn’t scared of them, it was unknown people I was scared of. Now I know the truth.
Oh, and by the way, I enjoy reading your writing more when you break it up into paragraphs, it's easier on the eye. Has that been something you've decided to do recently?
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 11, 2015 8:31:36 GMT 10
I have experienced the same James, Being terrified when I am around people and in particular Men and I then grew to realise that everyone I was coming into contact with was my Mum and Dad. Having brought to me everything I need to feel about how it was when I was young, the fears I have about people are the fears I need to feel about Mum and Dad, isn't it all incredible that we don't even have to be in our parents company and it will still be brought to us to heal in every interaction.
People come in the shop and I am planning what to say before they even walk in the door, I am so scared of getting it all wrong, saying stupid stuff and feeling their disapproval of me, their rejection, just as it was when I was young. I was glad to read your experience at the bank, I relate to it perfectly. Yes, the truth is we are scared of our parents and everyone around us is set in place to bring us that truth.
I have become aware of how unloving I was being, very uncaring about my writing and how it is for the receiver to have to read a chunk of writing because of my laziness, I felt that I had been very selfish and not thinking about others reading it. Trevor is writing a book and he was talking about lay out the other day and how it all has to be for publishing and it made me think how inconsiderate I was being with my writing, I am glad it is easier on the reader and thanks for pointing it out James, I appreciate it.
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Post by James on Nov 11, 2015 21:24:17 GMT 10
It just struck me the other day how much more pleasurable it was reading what you wrote just because of the layout. It is incredible how all of that matters, the aesthetics, how everything is done, and if it is done with care or slap-dash. Marion is constantly pulling me up over my slap-dash approach to everything, being a boy there wasn’t much control in that area, unlike how perfect her parents made her be and do everything. But over the years through my healing I’ve had to admit to my couldn’t-care attitude, understand where it’s come from, and then decide if it is actually how I want to be. And more often than not suddenly I find I do care, and want to make it right, and that better still, I have the ‘space’ in me to do it, and it’s pleasurable, no longer a laboured task.
As you know Sam we are to perfect ourselves, and are doing so as we grow in truth, and this applies to every aspect of our lives, so from the tiniest detail to the largest. I did only want to be interested in the bigger picture stuff, but then as Marion keeps pointing out, you can’t have the bigger picture without the smaller and micro pictures that its composed of. I’m slowly coming back to myself, with my attention and my wanting to attend to detail, becoming increasingly important for me. I wish my writing was better, I wish I knew what was good writing and why, and so could work with some goal in mind. But as I can’t do that, so I just move with feelings as best I can, and I’ve enjoyed over the years how it’s changed as I have. And by you saying how you have changed in your attitude to your writing helped me feel more confident about what I felt when I read your post the other day and saw the extra effort you’d put into it, I was right, I wasn’t making it up, and so that’s helped me to feel better about honouring such feelings in future. And to speak up about them.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 12, 2015 3:49:05 GMT 10
Every day I become more aware that everything in my life is a attraction of my soul and the details are no different, all showing me the state of my soul and reflecting it, the message is in my mess and I am working to heal it all through my feelings, and it works. I understand how crucial the details are and I have even been looking recently at the things I have in my house and have found they are all an expression of my soul condition, even the picture on my wall connects me to a feeling in my soul that caused me to buy it, even the knives and forks all bought because of a feeling in my soul and its just amazing and shows me that the things I took for granted tell me so much about my soul and how the feelings in my soul drove me to want them. The thing I discovered, that disturbed me was that they were all because my parents would approve of them, nothing to do with me really just the fact that they would approve and love me for buying what they like. Things are gradually going in the bin as I feel the truth of why I have them.
I spent so long wanting the bigger picture and not realising that it couldn't happen because I had jumped over the details that create that picture just as no true healing can come if the feelings are denied and jumped over, it just cant happen and people are still trying to heal the effects instead of the cause, we just don't want to go to the details, Marion is spot on.
Speak soon James, many thanks.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 15, 2015 22:33:56 GMT 10
As I hear about all that is now going on In Paris, Beirut and the other countries and see the fear growing as it is getting closer to us here in the UK, I see the Bigger Picture playing out and it took me back to what Marion said about the details being the most important. For this to end the details in each one of us have to be attended to, the healing of our denial and Repression and seeing how each one of us is contributing to these atrocities by our denial of our Childhood Repression. The answer to the end of all War is held within our Childhood Repression and healing the details of our feelings that we chose to deny.
The UK is now in a heightened state of fear and just waiting and I feel the Hate, Anger and fears of Lack and Loss in the people acting on their Childhood Repressed Fears, as I read how people are feeling around me it makes us no different than those that have chosen to act out these atrocities. Its going to get very bad here, there is so much hate.
what has been created is an opportunity to feel and heal for us all. Ask our selves "How does this make me feel" and accept, express and feel the truth of each feeling that comes up within us. which is what I am doing and helping my Children with their fears as they come up too, its all in the detail of our deepest feelings that have been denied. These happenings are bringing up all we need to feel and I don't want to miss even one of those precious feelings as a chance to heal.
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Post by James on Nov 16, 2015 22:09:14 GMT 10
As you say Sam, the healing of our Childhood Repression is the only way we’ll ever stop all the bad stuff, as we stop it within ourselves, and then having done that parent lovingly bringing up children that don’t have it within them. But I despair over how long that might take. I know it will take eons with so much of the horror still occurring in the meantime, and I find it so hard to stand back and let it all go as it’s really got nothing to do with me, and I feel very dispirited at times having written so much, putting it out there time and time again and with so few people getting it, let alone wanting to do anything about it.
Since the ‘first round’ with my new blog lots more people have down-loaded my books from all over the world, however only one person has contacted me being interested in trying to work on herself. So I wonder what it will take, perhaps my writing isn’t appealing or good enough, and it will need other people writing about it all that will create an interest - daily I feel like I can’t be bothered anymore. I know I’ve said that from time to time stopping writing and starting again, but as I change coming more back to myself, focusing on just myself and all my shit, less and less do I feel inclined to put it out there and worry about the world and other people. This morning I thought, god what am I scared about worrying that Nibiru or the Galactic Wave might hit in a few years time destroying most of what my life is, why do I fear that I’ll be one of those it doesn’t kill left to grub around trying to stay alive by eating bushtucker. I thought, god, it would be a godsend to be killed in the cataclysm, to leave this horrid world and all the terrible things people are doing to each other and nature. To be able to finish off my healing in the Divine Love mansion worlds surrounded by other spirits all striving to do the same thing, and with help from the Celestials, and it all known about - the extent and depth and difficulty of healing our Childhood Repressions, I’d so much rather that there than being here struggling along blind as I am.
I have up until now thought, but I can’t die, I have to tell people about it, enough people must know so as to pass on the message to other people, but stepping back it’s not my problem of course, it’s all what our Mother and Father want... So to be extracting myself and my unbalanced need for some power and say in it, and giving it all up and just coming back to myself and thinking - what do I feel about it all, what’s best for me... I’d be more than happy to die and leave all the writing behind. And if the end of the world comes, no one will be able to read it anyway as there won’t be computers and the internet anymore so... so, on I go keeping on trying to express all the millions of feelings and worries that come up each day... and before I know it, I’m writing more again!
What I have come to understand these last couple of days however is that I am very grateful to you Sam and Wes for being able to do your healing without needing my personal help in trying to help you work through your problems. I’ve said it before, that I can’t and don’t want to be a counsellor or therapist, but now I see it even more clearly. The problem of feeling weird that I’ve said I’ve felt at times in responding to you both, I now understand is that really I’m not connecting with you more personally, as that is my whole problem which I’m trying to heal, I don’t know how to do that with Marion or anyone else. So in fact how you are on the forum actually perfectly suits me, you just share some of your healing experiences, saying how it has been for you, ask questions about it, and I can add my bits of theory or share similar experiences. And there is no counselling, you are not looking to me to help you work through your issues. And that is a relief, because I can see it’s what I don’t want to do, getting caught up in peoples problems and particularly over the internet because it’s all such personal stuff and really stuff that should be worked through privately and with the person or people in our private lives. And possibly other people might enjoy doing it all over the internet and would be good at it and good at counselling people very personally by helping them work through their issues and being able to provide the support they need, but I can’t, it doesn’t come naturally. I thought I might be able to do it as I progressed in my healing, but lately I’m feeling even more as I’ve also said before, that even if I could do it, I don’t think I’d want to. What if lots of people suddenly came wanting my personal hands on help working through their issues, I’d be glued to the screen for most of the day, something I don’t want to do. It might be different doing it in person face to face, but really as much as the internet provides me with something to do and makes many things easier, still I’d much rather live in a world without it. It puts a barrier up between us all, makes it more artificial as we can communicate with people so far away who come from different cultures, taking me away from the face to face, all of which is my problem - being too removed and separated. It’s easy for me to hide anonymously at home and not go out into the world having to deal with people face to face, to pretend that I have all these friends on the internet, but it’s all part of the madness of our world. Really I want to live the simplicity the Australian aborigines lived before the white man destroyed their culture. I want to talk to people face to face about all this stuff, yet only when those people show they are wanting to know. And if I never met anyone to talk to about it, then so be it, that’s not my concern, that’s up to the Mother and Father.
I even have lurking in the back of my mind that I am doing all my writing simply as part of my healing, and that it’s actually immaterial whether or not any of it gets kept. And that the Galactic wave might come and wipe it all away anyway; and if I survive, then I will be talking about it all only to those in my immediate face to face life. That I will conceivably by them be healed enough to require and even demand face to face, not even wanting to do it any other way should that way still be available. Jesus and Mary showed us it was all meant to be face to face, and they didn’t leave any record. Then Jesus coming with the truth again through James Padgett, still he didn’t come in person back to the world as a whole, he told someone else and has left it with us for us to do as we please with it all. And what if we didn’t do anything with it?
So really I’m feeling rather inadequate and incapable of doing anything else with my writing, other than just keeping on going. And I wonder if perhaps it’s not actually for me to ‘take it out there’, that being for other people who are able to do that sort of thing. That I will just stay at home working on myself, possibly even stopping writing at some point, for I still question why I want to put anything about myself out in public, exposing myself and making myself be so vulnerable. I no longer have any doubts about all I have written being true. Sure, some of the finer details might not be right and will need to one day be clarified; and having doubts and worries about it not being right was what previously made me question my motives for wanting to do it, but now that’s all gone and it’s just about myself - do I want to put myself out there? I guess that’s what it’s coming down to, which I’ve written myself into seeing through this post. So I will have to see how I feel about that. And having grown up from an early life that made me terrified about putting myself out there and connecting with anyone face to face, which has so greatly limited my life rendering me all but useless and too fearful to do anything, even to go shopping at the supermarket and doing the most basic essentials, now I’m faced with putting myself out there in the most public exposed way possible. And having to face people face to face with not only their untrue ways of living and all the rubbish they believe, but also having to deal with all the confused emotions and bad feelings that everyone is filled up with.
So of course the greatest thing we are all to do - communicate truly and perfectly expressing ourselves to each other, I’ve been made to feel the most scared about, petrified about coming out of my shell, and with no feeling for knowing where to begin or how to go about it should I want to try. So the Mother and Father have crippled me completely for me to experience the very opposite of love, living true and feeling good about myself and my life, all so I can possibly heal myself one day of being as I am, and coming out and loving myself and life as I freely live truly expressing all I feel.
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Post by James on Nov 19, 2015 14:22:16 GMT 10
Mean Mommy syndrome
Mommy was pushing the pusher along the footpath. The little girl was happily skipping along beside her mother and younger brother who was in the pusher. Suddenly the mother growled at the little girl saying: “If you don’t hold onto the strap I’ll take you straight home.” The little girl stopped her skipping and took hold of the strap that was hanging from the side of the pusher having to walk sedately with her mother and the pusher. She couldn’t enjoy the freedom and fun of skipping along beside her mother and brother singing the song she had been mouthing to herself. She had to do as she was told or she’d be punished. She had to hold onto the pusher never letting it go until she was told she could, all so mummy didn’t have to worry about her suddenly doing something she wouldn’t have been able to control. What I can’t imagine, the girl was easily old enough to know she wasn’t to go running on the road, as well as there being a very large naturestrip between them and the road.
So the little girl grows up knowing who has the power and who wants the control, and who doesn’t have the power and who can’t control anything in her own life. And more than likely they will think they love one another. Would mummy openly admit that she hates her daughter, or even if she doesn’t hate her in person, that she hates having to deal with her out in public on the street. Does the little girl feel loved by her mother? She will more than likely delude herself that she does, because the idea of having to accept the truth that she doesn’t feel loved is too painful.
So she grows up to be an unloving mother just like her mother grew up to be. And we wonder why so many people are chronically unhappy, miserable, depressed, sick and not feeling happy or satisfied with life. And we still refuse to understand the severity of such parenting and the harmful effects it has upon us. And all those bad feelings will remain repressed as her Childhood Repression, all buried within her until she does her Feeling Healing.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 6, 2016 7:45:45 GMT 10
The biggest fear my whole life has been confronting my Dad. Just to think about it has put me into dread and is something that I thought I could never do, it has been a major problem because I have felt like a real hypocrite doing all this healing but knowing I will have to say it to Mum and Dad eventually. Slowly throughout my feeling healing my parents have felt something has changed within me and our relationship, they had become very distant, I hardly ever see them compared to how it was before I was so intense with my healing. I haven't wanted to see them really and with my Dad I have never wanted to see him, never felt a connection at all and longed for him to go away as a child. He got a job abroad and I was so free and happy until he came home then it went back to control and fear.
Back to more recent events, I looked after their dog while they went away at Christmas. On their return they came over to pick up the dog and they didn't really want to stay, well Mum did but Dad didn't, he never does which is fine with me, my feelings were, don't get comfortable because that same feeling sets in to me, I have to be a good girl and panda to him. It takes me right back to being a child again, the feelings are the same and very intense, I just cant be myself when he is near although this time it was so different, something in me changed instantly as they were about to leave.
As they were walking out Dad said to me the same thing he always says to me " Are you ok Sam" I answer, Yes I am fine. But the problem is he looks at me as if I am lying to him, like I am not really ok, something awful is happening to me and I am not telling him. Every time I get this from him like he wants me to not be ok so he can take over and sort it all out, take it all away from me, I am so sick of it all. He said "you wouldn't even tell me if something was wrong would you Sam" I said "No I wouldn't Dad, If there is something wrong in my life I will sort it out for myself, I don't need you to help me." He was angry, he felt hurt and Mum said to him "See, I told you, she doesn't need us." and I said "No I don't and you should be happy about that, you should be happy for me that I can stand on my own two feet and that I have found a way of helping myself, but your not happy for me, you want me to need you so much that I cant cope without you and I cant convince you that I am truly ok, you never believe me and we have the same conversation whenever I see you and I have had enough. You just don't want me to be ok" He went on to say that it is a natural thing to do in a father daughter relationship and I went on to explain how it was very controlling and I felt very powerless when he does this to me, he takes all of my power away by needing to fix my life constantly and never believing I am capable of dealing with my own life and problems, he has never let me grow because of his need for power over everyone and everything, it is incredibly crushing to my soul. He stood there and looked at me and said "Sam you talk complete Bollocks, I have to say it, you talk complete Bollocks" I went into a state of such calmness, it was incredible to feel. I didn't feel hurt or angry just peaceful and calm and able to say what I needed to say in a loving way. Mum stepped in and said to Dad "Oh no Jim, no she doesn't" in that passive way of hers as to not upset him but I said to Mum that its ok, she doesn't need to defend me or protect me. I said to Dad that I am healing everything that they both taught me, everything about who I was that they had told me I am, all their error I am now healing out of me and I could help them with their pain from their parents if they wanted to listen to me, I could help them understand their pain that they are constantly reliving. Once again Dad said to me " You are talking Bollocks Sam, Come on Ann, we are going". He continued up the garden path and got in the car with Mum.
The rage I felt from him scared me at this point, I was shaking with fear and disbelief at the fact I had just for the first time in my life, confronted him, it is something I have never felt brave enough to do, ever. This was the perfect time when it would have been so easy to cave and just say what I have always said and fully keep the peace because of my huge fear of upsetting him.
This has now cracked the surface with him and me, I have opened up the wound and now every time I see him I know I can speak the truth and don't have to worry about getting punished or told off by him. When they left I felt such power from the truth I had spoken and in that moment realised that my fear of confrontation came from never being able to confront him and now I had it gave me freedom. I didn't have to be as scared of people any more because I had faced the biggest fear in my life, my dad.
My Mum came back and apologised to me about his behaviour, she has always done that and I told her she has to stop doing that, trying to excuse him and keep him happy. This is how she has taught us to be around people we are afraid of, panda to them so we don't get hurt, she has taught us to obey bullies and kept us in our subservient place always fearing because she feared Dad, so we had to, she taught me how. Dad called me a good little girl, I called me a scared little girl.
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Post by James on Jan 6, 2016 22:04:42 GMT 10
Gee Sam, that was intense. Great how it just happened, how your dad even bought it on giving you the opening you could take. And then standing up to him, I was sweating it out reading it.
It’s incredible how you’ve had those other people and situations all leading up to it, all who’ve bullied you, all being of course representative of your father and all leading you to this point of being able to confront him as you confronted them. And the fact that he is still alive and you do have enough to do with him so as to help bring you to this point of dealing with such a huge traumatic block, and all the pain and fear, and to start to be able to move into it and hopefully eventually beyond it. How are you feeling now about it all? Did you hear anything further from them?
It’s all so unloving isn’t it, just to be told by your father that you’re speaking bollocks all because he doesn’t agree with it or whatever - that you’re standing up to him and making him feel scared. No consideration for you and what you might think or feel, and that you DO actually think and feel, are an independent woman - a person in your own right who is looking to help themselves and can look after herself and her children and have a life. I mean, isn’t the whole point that the child grows up to become independent and self-sufficient? What would be the point if we always needed our parents, that we were forevermore reliant on them.
I think what you said was perfect, standing up for yourself and not falling for all that poor-parent-who’s-not-needed-by-their-children yuk. Here Sam, let me put this guilt trip on you a bit tighter. Good on you Sam, and it’s so good to see how you’ve obviously changed all thanks to all the hard work you’ve done on yourself, and without any help from them. It’s all such pity that it is as it is, and that they can’t see all the good you’re doing for yourself, but of course they can’t because all the bad is to do with them.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 7, 2016 6:20:42 GMT 10
Hi James
Yes, you are right, my dad brought it all on for me, the way had been opened for me to take it and say what I felt, I thought that myself, how perfect and I even thanked God when they had gone for the opportunity being made for me. Amazing.
It has, as you say, all been a rehearsal I feel, for this to happen, I had a few practises to prepare me for the big one. I have heard from him since, by text, and it was as if nothing had been said. It was a Happy New year text and I felt he's in a lot of denial, or still wants to exert his power over me by making it look like he doesn't care or he is testing the water to see what reply he gets, he didn't get one.
You have pointed out to me how far I have come and it is so true, thank you for that support, I don't always see it myself. But you are right, If it wasn't for feeling healing I never could have done it, I would have stayed in his control and let him walk all over me with me pandering to him. If I hadn't found the truth for myself through my feelings, I would still be trapped.
Speak soon. Sam.
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Post by James on Jan 8, 2016 22:13:17 GMT 10
I talked to Marion about what you said about your experience with your parents, how it went and what they said to you. She said this to me, it wasn’t directly to you Sam, take it as you please, but it helped me understand more things about your situation as it helped me to understand more things about my own relationship with my parents.
Marion: It was all to make her (Sam) realise that her parents don’t love her. That’s what it’s all about, that’s what she needs to accept fully, if she doesn’t already. It’s a hard slap in the face, a waking up to cold hard facts: that They don’t care; They don’t love you.
He’s the bollocks because he’s putting on an act - what would happen if you said, yes dad I need your help? If he was genuine and she said, No, I’m fine I don’t need anything, then he’d say, Oh good, I’m so pleased you’re OK. But what does he say: Bollocks, I don’t believe you, I’ll never believe you, it - you - are all rubbish. There’s no love there. NONE. Never has been, never will be. He’s not capable of it.
He doesn’t come in with the first thing he says being, Sam, how are you, do you need anything, anything I can do for you my love, my precious, my sweet adorable child who I want to do anything and everything for. And then sit down with you and talk about all you’re doing, how you’re going, what you’re feeling, how the business is, how your healing is, what your needs are, what is making you feel bad, and being happy to listen to you for as long as you want to talk with all his focus on you his dear daughter and child.
It’s all the usual superficial ‘caring’. That which one learns, which one believes one is meant to do - be seen and heard to do, being the so-called ‘loving parent’. You say it at the end. You say it making it sound like you care when really you don’t - when really you can’t. It’s all a cover, having to put the show on that you are caring, nice and even loving - well-meaning.
This is now me: And we all know it, we all have done and possible do it. We live in a world that is build upon the false superficialness of being caring. And yet the truth is, that which we have all to wake up to and then come to terms with: there is no real love, we weren’t loved, and as a consequence, we’re not loving. And it’s easy to understand this and even believe it with your mind, but to fully see it time and time again with it being shown to you through your feelings, with your actions showing you just how unloving, uncaring, unfeeling you are, it’s not good. Having to face it and accept that it’s true.
So what happens, where do you go now Sam; where do you go from such an experience as that when the stark truth is smashed in your face, when you have to accept it? And you keep going, for what else can you do. And such an experience will no doubt become one of your pivotal healing moments about which the rest of your healing will evolve continually returning you to that experience out of which you’ll gleam evermore truth.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 9, 2016 15:08:17 GMT 10
Thank you both for being so honest with me, it is all so true and no one will say it or admit it, I have talked it over with my sister but she just comes out with the expected normal comment "Oh but they do love you Sam, it would kill them to hear you say that" putting guilt on me as they have programmed us to feel if we go against their version of Love, their flawed version that they led us to believe is true and good and right.
No they don't love me, I have always known it right from a very small child and they have always commented on my lack of love for them and told me it was a fault in me and they couldn't understand it, how I could reject them so much, how I never let them help me, how I am so secretive and don't talk to them. Their not bloody interested in me, how do they think I got this way, I wasn't just created like this, this is their creation, they poured this unlovingness into me and now they don't like what they have created, tough shit, this is your creation Mum and Dad, see what you did, you created the false me because you wanted more of YOU, you never wanted ME, to see what I might have been, free from your shit being poured into me.
All Marion says is true and I have always known it just resisted to accept it fully because of the pain of not being loved and as children we have to keep up the pretence as a way of surviving, we cant survive without some idea of them loving us in some way, their false love is all we have, its all they have offered us so we live in denial of true love, although in our soul, we know something pretty important is missing from us, theirs a gap, a wound that remains unfulfilled and gaping open but we cant quite put our finger on what's missing, its true love.
As I was once hanging on to the hope of love with my parents, I feel they are now doing the same with me and my love, they have felt the rejection fully now and I can feel a sadness in them that they don't understand what is happening with me, the only one of their children to dare to rebel against them. They have always secretly put a lot of pride into their parenting and been pretty pleased with themselves but now there's a flaw, a crack has appeared and they cant accept it, that maybe they are wrong. It will never be them who are in the wrong, it is always me and I know they have gone to my sister blabbing it all out to her, wow are us, Sam has changed, she is weird now, something is going on with her and we don't know what it is. They are both in shock that there is a possibility that I don't love them in the untrue way they need to be loved, I will no longer meet their needs to be worshipped and put above everything and every one else, even myself and God.
All I can do now is Grieve even deeper, and throughout this, all I am visualising is your "Brick in the Face" James as it is all a huge smash in the face with reality and acceptance of it. The biggest fear in my life has been this truth, that THEY DONT LOVE ME. I have always been in fear and never felt safe in this world because of this loss and lack in my life, my whole life has been a manifestation of this Loss and Lack of love from my first relationship. Having Marion spell it out for me I felt a tinge of resistance from the child in me that still wants to believe they do love me, that hope that I have always hung on to, denial of that truth and acceptance of the facts, they never loved me as I needed to be loved, they taught me their version of what they called love all based on lies, error, denial, pain and suffering and my life is proof that their version hasn't worked for me.
I am going to sit in the full acceptance of this and even now I can feel a peace from that acceptance as I ask God to help me feel the truth, help me accept, help me express. I want to do it all with Mother and Fathers help.
Thank you so much Marion and James, my Brother and Sister in Truth. x
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Post by James on Jan 9, 2016 22:03:23 GMT 10
Sam I had a slight worry, only for a moment mind you, enough just to acknowledge it and then it was gone, that all Marion and I said to you might be too much and you might reject us, which would be understandable. And I love your honesty: “Having Marion spell it out for me I felt a tinge of resistance from the child in me that still wants to believe they do love me, that hope that I have always hung on to, denial of that truth and acceptance of the facts, they never loved me as I needed to be loved, they taught me their version of what they called love all based on lies, error, denial, pain and suffering and my life is proof that their version hasn't worked for me.” Because it wouldn’t have been right had you not felt this way, as there surely still would have been, as you said, some resistance to the truth of not being loved. Because that’s how we’ll all feel all the way through our healing and right, so I imagine, to the end, because there’s always that hope that there possibly might have been one tiny little bit of love - mightn’t there? And to keep getting pushed back, to keep getting knocked back and to have to accept, no, no, no, No, No, NO, NO NOOOOOOOOOOO there is NOOOOOO Love - THEY DIDN’T LOVE ME, is too unbearable and too much to fathom, for how could it be so, they were my parents, surely, but surely one little part of them liked and loved me - surely? I’m still feeling that resistance to it even though I think I know it a 100%, but every time I open up to more hidden parts in me, oh shit, there it is again, there I am again secretly hoping they did love me a little bit. And when you’ve believed they did love you, and built your whole survival on that, to have it all threatened time and time again, you may as well go outside and just walk into every wall you come to. So I’m so pleased you mentioned that you did feel a bit of resistance to Marion’s directness. I do every time she confronts me on it, which has been about a million so far in our ‘ healing relationship’. And this part is a ripper, it’s so packed with truth: “Their not bloody interested in me, how do they think I got this way, I wasn't just created like this, this is their creation, they poured this unlovingness into me and now they don't like what they have created, tough shit, this is your creation Mum and Dad, see what you did, you created the false me because you wanted more of YOU, you never wanted ME, to see what I might have been, free from your shit being poured into me.” It’s just so true, we’re not born the horrible unloving things that we are, we’re not conceived false, we’ve all been made to be that way... and made to be that way by who? You said it so well Sam and with so much feeling and conviction. Today I commented on one of Davids posts on BIN beforeitsnews.com/prophecy/2016/01/worse-than-satan-ahriman-is-coming-2476490.html And then having read your post I realised that in our small way on our little forum we are fighting the great fight against evil, it’s going down, we are in our personal lives standing up to the wrongness, to the Evil Ones, to the Rebellion, and as you showed Sam, standing up to it in your parents. And I personally think it’s far harder to face your parents, to confront them on it, to call them out and to act against all that they’ve made you be, than it is anything else. All these so-called Christians, Light Workers and Divine Lovers who say they are doing the good work battling the forces of darkness, fighting off Satan and Lucifer, all by clinging to their beliefs, is all rubbish and in fact not doing anything but going the way of Satan and Lucifer. It’s carrying on their evil deeds, not actually standing up to the wrongness in yourself and dealing with your Childhood Repression, and having to face your parents and see and admit and accept that you were not loved and because of that you’ve become the false rotten unloving person like they are. In our little corner of Creation we’re doing the hard work. The darkness is stopping with us - in each of us. And I don’t think it does any harm to acknowledge our little part in the healing of humanity as we seek to heal ourselves. Marion would probably say it’s all my own make-believe, but it’s how I see things. And I think that if there is a cheering squad of Celestial spirits urging us on then they would have greatly cheered your experience the other day Sam, and I suspect would be very happy with all you’ve written and obviously come to understand about yourself and your relationship with your parents. All the talk about doing God’s Work and saving humanity by being Workers of Light or Soldiers of Christ or whatever, is all just talk, a lot of hot meaningless air. And yet one person all alone who says to themselves that they want to be true, they no longer want to do that unloving thing, and then seek to find the truth of why they are the way they are through their feelings, is doing a mountain more of good. So to do it all alone, to feel rejected and unwanted by your family as you said Sam, by your parents and your sister, just as Wes has said about his family and it’s the same with mine and even the people at the Bush Bank should I talk about anything to do with feeling unloved by my parents, that is the real fight and one of the hardest parts facing us all - dealing with all the aspects of family. And yet what else what can we do, we the ‘great crusaders’, who instead of getting up there and out there for all the world to see, are just allowing ourselves to collapse in on ourselves being consumed by our bad feelings, falling down our holes and crying... crying and crying because we feel so unloved by the very people who should have loved us.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 30, 2016 5:44:57 GMT 10
My Dad is connecting with me by Email. He thinks he has been the ideal parent and doesn't know what I am talking about and if I believed otherwise he has failed as a human being and a parent, he is in shock.
Put the guilt on me, god I am fucking raging inside, put the fucking guilt back on me to not dare to make him feel bad.
Mum came over yesterday and wanted to know how we can heal this, those were her words, she said Dad was to hurt and angry to come over and talk. She said she doesn't know how all of this has happened.
I have just wrote a 2 hour long email to Dad full of truth from my childhood, explaining it all, spelling it out. I am so scared, I have had to feel my way through it, writing and feeling my fear at the same time, terror, I have a bright red face, shaking inside and out, I am in a state of terror and now I have to wait for his reply. As I wrote the last word I didn't re-read it I just pressed SEND as quick as I could so I didn't have time to not send it, to think about it. I am so scared of truth, I was so scared of writing it to him exactly how it was and is and how it has effected my life, him being how he is and Mum too. I am a mess, churned up inside feeling sick with terror and this is how I felt a lot of the time as a child wen he was angry. It is all coming back to me, the fear of being in his angry presence.
I have really done it now, its to late to retract any of it, it is sent. I am shitting my self, so scared and in total panic over speaking the truth to him, I am feeling guilt because this is going to kill him, Its all my fault, I have upset him and its all my fault, this will devastate him, the truth will expose everything in him and me and Mum. I feel terrified but FREE. elated at the truth finally being set free and terrified at the truth finally being set free. Shit James and Marion, I am really crapping it, I feel like I did when I was little and Mum would say "Wait till your dad gets home" that terror that she put me through, waiting upstairs in my room for his key in the door. Oh my God I am so scared, it is done, all of it out of me. I am even swearing with out fear. My body is full of anxiety and elation, this is so mad, I am so brave to face my biggest foe, I think I am ready for a breakdown but that's a good thing. I am in shock that I have done it without holding anything back, I am in so much trouble.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 30, 2016 7:59:00 GMT 10
I have calmed down now. My body is back to normal. I am still expressing all of the fear in me though. I forgot to say that while I was writing the letter to my Dad I was getting even more frustrated because I would type but what I typed wasn't coming up on the screen. I began to see what was going on, every time I tried to soften the blow and not tell it how it was in every detail, my words stopped printing, there was nothing coming up on the screen, I knew what I wanted to say and how directly I wanted to express all of my childhood feelings but in some cases I went for the softer option and when I did this, being untrue, it wouldn't write it and my soul felt it strongly "Just say it Sam, this is your one opportunity for the truth to come out of you". When I wrote it in full truth it was fine and wrote it. It was like I had no choice but to write the truth, no more softly, softly with him, it was the full force or nothing.
I was getting so frustrated with the computer not writing what I was typing until it dropped into my mind, "Your not writing the full truth Sam". I found it all so incredible and felt I was being lovingly helped to write the truth.
I am still feeling a huge amount of pain and guilt for writing the truth about my feelings, and this is the guilt that stopped me doing it all through my life, I don't want to hurt him or Mum, I would be to blame for the huge disruption in the status quo of the family. Its a guilt that I have always felt never to hurt anyone's feelings which started with Mum and Dad, like a bribery not to go against them or they will withdraw their love as the proved to do many times if I tried to do my own thing and then blame myself for going against them, they know best and must be obeyed. The thought of hurting them brings up all of the childhood trauma that I could ever do that to them, I would never forgive myself, it would be like a knife to the heart, I am feeling it now, that deep distress and I need to go and feel it through to the cause to release it from me once and for all. I feel guilty for weakening them, reducing them to the truth of their weakness and disempowering their reign over me, I feel bad for this!!!! Like they should be in charge of me and I mustn't disobey that reign over me, I feel very bad that I have destroyed and weakened them, that I have brought to them the truth of how weak they truly are when they have spent 76 years feeling in control, I am crumbling the castle and its defences and I feel very bad about it, that is how resistant to truth I am, I feel bad that I have been true, like truth is a bad thing, this is what they taught me that truth hurts when the truth is truth can never hurt, it is only the lies that truth exposes that hurt, when the lie is exposed in all of its rawness, that hurts but truth is always loving. This is what I need to feel deeply, truth is not my enemy, the lie is.
I have a lot of feeling to do about this, it has brought so much confusion to me that I am feeling ungrounded by it, like a headless chicken. I will spend time now feeling all that needs to be felt.
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Post by James on Jan 30, 2016 21:49:47 GMT 10
Good on you Sam, I admire your desire to do whatever it takes, and it all seems right from all you say, having to stand up and say no to them and do what feels right for you.
I read your post in the morning, then later in the day after feeling very agitated and saying all sorts of rubbish I finally had an insight that allowed me to relate to something of what you might be going through.
My thoughts went like this. I suddenly wanted and imagined that I could go and see Anna, a woman from the BB, on the beach; I just wanted to - needed to, see her, stand next to her, thank her for being there and for being so beautiful. Then thinking about this compulsion I realised that it was in fact Anna the sister of a girl my mother often made me be with when I was young. I never took much notice of Anna although today I realised that in fact I had, but secretly and had forgotten. She was beautiful, her sister I didn’t think was, yet Anna was younger than me and so it wasn’t right for me to be with her, she was Nicholas’ age. Then there was the lovely beautiful Italian girl who looked after us when I was about six or seven - Vivien. And I suddenly remembered how I loved being with her, feelings I’d not allowed myself to remember. It was like being in a cyclone with mum, then running to be with Vivien who was all peace and calmness, who might hug me and make me feel everything was okay and I could keep going on with whatever it was I was doing. Then it was back to being with whirlwind mum again.
Then I realised Anna and Vivien were the same. And that mum actually stopped me from loving Vivien and getting close to her. That mum was so possessive and jealous of Vivien’s dark-haired natural beauty. That mum even told me that she was the one I was to love, no one else, in all sorts of ways, and even possibly directly.
And then I realised I felt what you’d said about your family and father. That if I didn’t keep only loving mum and doing what she wanted I’d cause some terrible tragedy, like she’d have a breakdown, the family would be ruined, all backed up by dad and Gran saying don’t upset your mother, she’s very temperamental, she might... I don’t know what. But it would be very bad, so I had to glue myself to mum and never be with another woman unless she said it was okay to be with her.
All my girlfriends, unless she approved of them, they being no threat to her, she canned and said were no good for me. All the women I wanted to be with where unavailable, married or about to be, all out of my reach, all so I wouldn’t leave mum and be with them. She bound me in so tightly to her I didn’t really have any friends, boys or girls, she make me drop them all.
So I’ve felt afraid to do anything to upset her, to be with any other women. Then with Marion and through the spiritual stuff and her helping me understand about all my repressed yuk I was able to turn my back on mum, dad and Gran and the rest of the family. I had to do it in one fell stroke, no mucking about, I wrote to mum saying I didn’t want to see her again, that I felt unloved by her and a little about what I’d been starting to see about myself. She rejected what I said yelling at me over the phone and carried on as if I hadn’t written the letter, so I wrote another. I didn’t dare go and confront her because I knew she would have made such a scene I’d not have been able to say what I wanted to say, plus I was too afraid. I couldn’t do what you’re doing, standing up to them, facing them, and to hell with the consequences even though you are shitting yourself and don’t really want to hurt anyone.
But as you feel, they hurt you all those years, so fuck them, they can hurt a bit this time round; and if they fully reject you, well, so what, really the truth is they never accepted you anyway, it’s not as if you feel loved, they have always sort to control and reject you if you disobeyed, as you’ve said.
And I can see how they gave you more freedom than mine gave me, you’ve been allowed to have some life, even some relationship with them, and other relationships and children, a business and so on, I couldn’t go that far, I wasn’t allowed off the leash. So I had to just cut the leash and run away to work on myself, whereas you are able to work with some of it face-to-face. Hard, but at least it’s real and you can deal with all the feelings that come up and work your way through them. It’s probably the most direct route one can go in their healing - direct confrontation. For me, mum and dad (who is now dead anyway) are like ghosts, the memory-people I had back then that I keep understanding fucked me up. But it’s so hard not having anything tangible to get my teeth into, so long and drawn out, even though as Marion says, why don’t you go and have it out with and confront your mother. But I can’t for I know it wouldn’t do any good and my feelings have not as yet moved me that way, unlike how you’re obviously feeling. You have far more power in life than I have, I’m a pathetic whimp compared to you. I’m too chicken, at least you’re brave, even though life is driving you to do it.
And wasn’t that incredible and fantastic with the computer not working when you were avoiding the hard stuff - wow, it is all meant to be that’s for sure. It is all very thrilling to think you are on the right path and getting such unseen help. But you have to, don’t you, for if you are to be true, and do want to heal all your yuk, then this is obviously what you’ve got to go through, all of which is only for your own good; and one would also want to believe, for the good in the end of all those involved like your mother and father. I’m sure if they don’t appreciate you now, when they come to do their healing they will.
I used to think, it’s so unfair, mum and dad get away with it all the way along. I will slog my guts out doing all my healing without any help from them, then when they are doing theirs, they will more than likely want my help; or even if they don’t, I will probably be open to give it to them having healed all my anger with them. But then I thought, na, fuck them, I’m never going to give in and help them, if they want it too bad, they can fuck off, and I’d let them suffer right the way through to the end of their healing offering no help and delighting in how hard their healing will be for them. But then I’ve changed again... and no doubt will change again, and I don’t know why I’ve written all of this, more for myself than for anything it might help you with.
I don’t feel you need my help as such, I used to think I needed and will need to be around to help everyone who might take on their healing. But now I feel, no, I’ll just say whatever it is I feel like saying, and if that helps anyone, great, if not, that’s all right too. And if it makes them feel bad, well then there’s more bad feelings for them - a kind of help, eh?
So I wonder what will happen next with you between them both? And if you did kill your father because of it all, well that’s not your doing, is it, it’s not as if you chopped his head off with an axe - and how much has he killed you! There is no getting away from it, it doesn’t matter what you the child might do to your parents, it will never be anywhere near the amount of bad things they’ve done to you. Even if you slowly tortured them to death making them suffer 1000 cuts, still that would be nothing like every time during your early life they rejected you and make you feel unloved - I mean, how many times did that happen to each of us in each day? And it’s still been happening to us right the way through our adult lives, they are still hurting us; so fuck them, that’s what I say! That’s what I’m saying to all parents, and what I’d say to my parents.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 3, 2016 4:21:52 GMT 10
Today I stopped the communication by Email with my Dad and went round to speak face to face. I was terrified yet again as this was different to being able to say all you feel on email, I was in his presence, telling him how it was and is for me. Mum wasn't there, she was attending to someone in need at her church, then she came home and she said she had to go off again to see to someone else that she had promised help to but I told her to sit down, I needed her to hear this too, it has just as much to do with her. She stayed and sat down.
My feelings were taking over, the terror was overwhelming me and I wanted to just stay in it, feel it all and not miss one feeling, this was such a huge opportunity for me to feel my terror, even more than before with my email communication. Dad asked me how I am and I told him I am terrified, so scared of speaking the truth to him face to face and he stopped me, he said he didn't want to go on like that, that he was my father and didn't have to be scared of him. I told him he had just shut me down again because he didn't want to feel his own fear. He was pretty speechless and denied me. He told me that if I was going to talk this way to him I should know how "tactless" I was being and that the truth of such directness was painful and could do real damage. I went on to say that I was only going to speak the direct truth and I was not going to spoon feed it to him so it didn't hurt and that the truth can never hurt, it was just the lies that truth exposes that hurts. He disagreed and I said he had such resistance to feeling any truth from me so I would go.
He told me to stay and say what I had to say so I did. I let it all out as even more came up than I had written about and he was shocked, Mum just stayed pretty quiet as normal, he projected huge amounts of anger at me and what I was saying, denying that he was like how I was saying. My fear disappeared as the truth came out and I could not stop, some he took, some he didn't but I didn't care I was only there for me and to do the thing I most dreaded in my life and that was telling the truth of how I feel and bring out my childhood denial and repression and show them how it all came to be and there roll in the creation of it, all of it.
Mum said to me that Dad had been so different since my emails to him, she said he had been so much softer and she felt a change in him but I really stirred it up today with putting him right on the spot today with a face to face meeting, it was all on my terms and done without any anger just truth.
I feel like the little girl inside me finally got to have her say and she was shit scared, terrified. all the feelings I had to feel in that confrontation, I really needed it and if he had died and I hadn't got to say my truth, it would have felt so incomplete for me because I would have known that I was to scared to do it and now he was gone I wouldn't have the chance and missed a huge opportunity for my soul to expand and grow from the opening that truth brings. I had to do it and today I felt, "This is the Day". All the way driving there I was talking to God, Mary and my Angels asking for them to give me strength to actually go through with it, I could have turned back but I felt them want this for me, to release this fear. I even started to think I might cause him a heart attack, he might even die but so what!! That isn't my fault, that is the fault of his own denial and not being true or not wanting to ever hear truth, if it killed him that would just be more denial of hearing truth.
Now I feel completely emotionally and physically drained, I have a sore throat and am so tired, the fear has exhausted me and wiped me out but also I feel the most courageous I have ever felt. I spent 3 hours talking to them about my pain and they both said it was going to take time to understand what I had said and how much damage they have caused me, so much more was said but to much and to boring to post but I want this on the Forum because if others, one day, feel they are drawn to do the same, they are not alone and you do survive, there is life after coming out emotionally and truthfully to your parents although contemplating it seems to high a mountain to get over, it is do-able and all the terror, shaking, sickness, panic, nearly passing out and all the other feelings you will feel in the lead up and during this confrontation, have to be felt fully to be free.
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Post by James on Feb 3, 2016 21:26:54 GMT 10
Thank you Sam for putting it on the forum, for sharing your personal experiences, it’s a lot exposing yourself to everyone. For me, seeing someone else do it, I’ve not done it, and so seeing you confront your parents, and being able to say all you feel, all that’s come up through your healing, you are a great example. We can of course only do what we can do, but it makes me wish I’d been a bit more brave and confronted my parents... but then I would have been a different person... so with different parents. And I can only say that about myself because of how I feel now, much more confident in knowing the truth of my relationship with them, whereas before I was never really sure if I was feeling all these bad feelings about them or was it just another part of my mind making it up because I liked what Marion said and so reckoned I must be repressed too.
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