I first heard about Mary Magdalene from the Musical "Jesus Christ Superstar" there was a song from it called "I don't know how to love him" sung by Mary and it was so beautiful. I asked my older sister about her and she told me Mary was Jesus' girlfriend and it made me feel so good that he was not alone and had a girlfriend who must have been very special. I was about 15 I think, around 1982. Over the years I have bought books about how people have assumed her life was and that she ended her days in France which none of it felt right to me as no one knows but there has been such an upsurge in writings and books about Mary and pilgrimages to France and the cave where they think Mary died, in France, all this based on what people want to believe is true, its a huge money making machine with many buying into it, if any writings were left by Mary and Jesus just think of the evilness we would create from it. I always wanted to know more about her and knew Mary must have had something amazing to bring, being with Jesus it had to be more that a love story as I have now found out through James writings. Back when I was young there was hardly any information but I always had an awareness of Mary and as Mary has told me, both have felt my pull on their Spirit of Truth through out my life. I felt very close to Mary when I lost my husband as she lost hers to, I talked to her about my feelings as I felt she would have experienced the pain and loss too, I may ask Mary about her feelings through out that experience, I know for me that day was an accumulation of all the pain, abandonment and loss I have always felt throughout my life, I was truly shown it in all its truth on that day, the pinnacle of pain that I could no longer avoid, that day showed me it all. I have felt very close to Mary and Jesus, feeling their comfort and truth and now even deeper through James' writings.
Wesley do you live in Australia too. All of my family live there I have a sister in Essendon, Melbourne and two brothers in Taree. They escaped the control many years ago and went as far away as they could, I obviously had to go through more of it, in all its perfection being what My Mother and Father want for me to understand and if I ran away I would have missed out, all avoiding the truth of their pain, I now know you can run but you cant hide, all denial. I live in England, in the South but have visited Australia twice.
Sam, do you know where the thoughts of you being evil came from in the first place - you must have picked up the idea from someone to begin with very early on.
And when you say your “mind was evil and the thoughts were trying to end my life”, is that how you’ve always felt, like your mind has been against you, or something from outside of you, as I relate to this a lot. My mind, of course being my parents, and because they deflected my anger at them, saying it was everyone else - the whole world out there was the bad one, and is against you, not us, we’re the good ones, we love you, has really kept the wool pulled over my eyes. And Marion’s helped me to see that I have been fighting against my mind in that whenever I’d feel a bad feeling, it was someone else doing it to me, it making it very hard for me to accept that it was coming from within myself - it was someone out there making me feel bad. My mind being screwed around with so as not to allow me to truly feel my feelings so know who really is causing me to feel bad.
And I was wondering: did you try to speak with anyone about how bad you felt as you grew up, was there anyone on your side, or have you always been and felt alone having to battle it out yourself?
And: “I felt like I had been born, but not ready for this life, the world was to painful for me to cope with what was happening in it...”, have you as yet had any feelings or connection with how you felt in the womb - especially in relation to your parents?
“I feared myself, I feared the unknown Me, The unknown me was the to scary and to much of a threat to my false self...” And so you have been aware of your true self all along but fearing it - is that right? Fearing embracing it would be standing up to your false self and the creators of it - your parents?
And the word Lazy - why Lazy, why that word, it seems such an odd word to use. Who said it to you - and in what context? Can you remember? Or, what about asking the Mother and Father to help you remember through your feelings.
God, having re-read all these questions to you Sam, I feel like saying: Now Samantha, your homework for tonight is... So I hope you don’t me asking you all these questions.
Also - a separate thing and to do with the forum concerning you and Wes, so I'm asking you both: I have been wondering why don't you logon to the forum, instead of posting always as a guest?
Thanks for the questions James, they help me so much going deeper. I have spent the day asking My Mother and Father to show me the truth of the questions you asked and the truth is revealing itself and I feel so good about it. I want to do some more healing on these points you raise because I feel there is more to come. Speak soon.
I have understood were my feelings of Evilness began, through asking My Mother and Father to help me find the truth. It came to me that my Nan would say it to my Mum a lot, she would say that people are evil and have "Made Money their God", so my Mother felt so much guilt about this, about having money or anything for herself, this making her Evil in her Mum's eyes and then not being loved by her. My Mum went on to teach me this too and I now can hear her saying it to me "Nan always used to say, you make money your God and that makes you Evil" so she taught me to feel guilt that she felt from her Mum about having money or anything for yourself, especially your feelings. So I can see the root of my thinking I was Evil as I was taught that having anything to myself, even my feelings would make me Evil and unloved by my parents but I would be loved if I did as they did. Our parents are the root of all evil and teach their children how to be so, just the same as them. My fear of the outside world I now understand to be a distraction, not wanting to see that it was my parents control of me and without them I could not function in the world so the world seemed to be an unsafe place for me to be without them and the terror in the world is a reflection of the war that goes on within each one of us, Mind against Soul that being Satan against God, Man against Woman, Country against Country and thank God we have not found life on other planets yet because we would do what we do with our Evilness and create War spreading our Evilness Planet against Planet, its all we know how to do, it being our default setting programmed by our parents, to take the Will of another.
I did try to speak to people about how I felt but felt very scared to fully express the depths of it. I saw Psychologists but gave up as they put me in groups of older people with depression and I was so young, I listened to what they said and it was nothing of how I was feeling, I knew they could not help me. Then I went to a Hypnotherapist who wanted to take me back to my time in the womb but my mind was to strong to let me go their, I tried three times with him and it was not working, my mind had such a hold on me, or should I say my parents had such a hold on me not letting me out of their program and control. I eventually felt their was no hope so submitted to not ever finding help and lived with it. It was like living two lives and in that I mean Pretending to be normal to everyone so I would fit in but on the inside feeling like I was dying.
Yes I have been aware of my true self all along but just could not reach it or know that it was called that. I would look in the mirror and ask my self "Where are you, where have you gone" I knew that there was a depth I had to go to to find a realness because all I felt was I was living an unreal life, I could feel me watching me, like I was on the outside of myself watching an imposter live my life. And of course I was living an untrue life because it was the life I was programmed to live which was not my truth but the way my parents wanted me to be. I just couldn't reach myself and I didn't know how to even begin. I would write all my feelings down just to get them out of my head but didn't know what to do with them it was venting a lot of pain and a lot of questions to God about "Why me" why couldn't I be normal like the other girls, it was all I wanted and I felt very separate to everyone a bit like a monster. I was playing at being normal but I wanted it to feel real and natural not forced and a lie.
About being lazy. I have spent some time on this asking My Mother and Father to help me because It wouldn't come to me but I have worked with it and been answered. "Stop being Lazy" came from my Nan originally because when we came back from Africa we lived with her and her youngest son was still living their too and she constantly told us her was such a lazy sod. I was 10 and can remember feeling sad at her not loving him and my Mum carried tis on telling us how our Uncle was never at work just lazing in bed, he was so Lazy as he wouldn't do what my Nan wanted, wen she wanted it done. I can hear it all going on now. When I would take my time over doing things Mum wanted me to do, if I didn't get on with them straight away, Mum would tell me to "Stop being Lazy". I wanted to be lazy though, I didn't want to do what I was asked to do because it was interfering with what I truly wanted to do, so I had to put what I was doing aside to please Mum and do as I was told, to please her but not to please me, it made me very angry to have to do some awful thing like washing up for 6 of us, it wasn't my fault she had so many of us. It wasn't even being lazy it was my resistance at going against my will to do theirs, I had no wanting to do what ever it was they wanted me to do, no interest to me at all. My brothers never got asked just me and my sister just showing us girls how to be slaves to Man, teaching us how unworthy we are and have always been. Through these words of me being Lazy in their eyes, not doing what they want me to do, I went on to punish myself in the same way. If I disobeyed my mind created by my parents, as in not letting it have its control over me, I was being lazy and trying to avoid what it wanted me to do as with my parents but had to submit. I now understand the guilt I feel when I know something needs doing but I don't do it straight away. my mind is being my Mum telling me off for being lazy and not doing things as soon as they need doing. Even at the height of panic attacks and fear I could hear those words "Stop being lazy" as I tried to resist having the fear and panic, I was resisting what my parents(mind) want me to do, to panic but by resisting it I was hearing those words still controlling me. I have now discovered over these last few days with My true Mother and Fathers help these words are not what I thought they meant at all, I thought they meant stop being lazy and wanting a quick way out , like taking a pill, but I now know it is my parents(my mind) still wanting their control over me and to stop resisting them and their will, if my mind(parents) want me to feel fear and panic then how dare I disobey so I submitted for all these years to their rule, to their programming.
James I have to say that I am really on the edge with this one. The concept keeps going into confusion, I get it then I don't get it, all such a huge weird confusion and going into that nothingness again and feeling empty. I am amazed the confused and keep loosing the thread of it all, I cant remember anything, then I can its all so weird. I get this a lot in my healing after I have revealed something new. I feel a sense a Hollowness where the pain used to be, it takes a while to settle and more feelings to express about the emptiness like I have lost something not knowing whether to laugh or cry, I have lost a bad feeling that has been with me for so many years, it was a part of me and I feel so sad for the child(me) that carried that around with her all her life, the depths of sadness are so deep tears are just pouring from me for all that suffering and now in the understanding of how my parents control kept me in fear and panic and their control wanting me to stay like that, so unloving, so incredible sad.
I will leave it there James as there is now a need for time in nature to feel the truth of it all.
Yeah, I too feel sad, sad for you and all you’ve suffered, and for myself - for us all. I’m happy for you Samantha that you’ve been able to go deeper into it all, and so quickly, I now understand the word Lazy more too.
Concerning your last paragraph, a few things come to mind that might be of some help, things mostly Marion has helped me understand, and things I experience through my healing. The part about you getting it then losing it, being confused about it, I sure relate to that, but as Marion would say, it’s only because your mind has been broken down some more and so you don’t have the usual structures in place, and to not struggle with it, it doesn’t matter about trying to understand it all, just stay with the feelings. Marion’s incredible like that, she has never tried to work her stuff out, she only just keeps expressing her feelings. Things dawn on her, but she doesn’t dwell on them, just more feelings. She’ll forget all she said the day before, but keeps going, ever ready to express yet more bad feelings, and yet over time she sure knows it all, and whenever anything comes up about a specific thing, she’s instantly onto it as if she’s had it right there in her mind all along. And yet when I question her, she says no, it just comes in response to her feelings. I work the other way, I feel bad, express those feelings, then usually something happens, like I hear the words of mum or dad or Gran in my mind, just a sentence for example, but that opens up the previously locked door and suddenly I see and then it all expands from there. I don’t know if that’s how it is you Sam, but that’s how it seems to me that it happens for you, such as when you ask the Mother and Father and get the insights. And I used to struggle and feel angry with myself that I couldn’t retain it all, but with more experience and Marion’s help, I’ve given up trying to use my mind to keep it altogether in one growing picture. It became of itself too much, so I had to let it go too - too much to keep in my mind. And it even got to a stage I went through about a year in which I could hardly even think, let alone recall what happened a moment ago. I really thought I was losing the plot, I was all but gaga - just a void. Jesus says (and I’ve added a bit of my interpretation as well) in the Padgett Messages that as our mind breaks down giving up its control so our soul-perceptions come more into play, with these deeper more intuitive perceptions being driven from and arising from our true feelings - which is how Marion lives her truth. So in the end we live expressing these soul-perceptions and the feelings giving rise to them with our minds only as backup and support but not leading and in control. So I’d say don’t try and fight it, of course if the confusion makes you feel bad - more bad feelings to express to understand why, but really I think it’s a natural part of our healing, showing we are making good headway, smashing our controlling mind apart, giving way to our feelings. And so once your mind gives way, it’s right you then feel the hollowness, the nothingness and emptiness because these are the hidden repressed true feelings of how you felt which your mind has kept the lid on. So I guess one could even liken it to being in some way a mourning for the loss of your minds control as you fall down further into your black hole. And I hate those feelings, like falling into a bottomless pit with only annihilation there before you. Many times both Marion and I have begged our Mother and Father to annihilate us - just to end the pain. So as bad and harrowing as it is for you Sam, it pleases me that you feel this way, as it shows you are breaking through your inner barriers, that YOU ARE NOT LAZY, not by any stretch of the word. And you can’t be doing more to help yourself; doing all that your soul is asking of you.
And thank you for logging in as a member, as it makes it easier to find and access your posts rather than trying to remember where you put them.
And if I were to design a Tarot Deck, I’d certainly want to use your picture as the Spiritual Warrioress ???sp. The High Priestess. And I think Verna might be happy to have you as one of her kind.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Today is "Mary Magdalene Day" here in the UK, as it is else where I expect. Its a day we celebrate Mary and for me its special as I feel Mary to be a true sister leading us out of oppression and back into our true self power. Today I honour all of my sisters as I do every day and thank Mary and Jesus for showing us the way to our Mother and Father all through the healing of our feelings. I feel so great today because I spent most of the night working on my feelings of Unworthiness and came to incredible truths that made my heart and soul sing. I feel very light hearted today after the heaviness I felt during my healing last night and it was very confusing and heavy but as soon as I asked Mary and Jesus to show me the way through, I began to unravel it all, so many feelings coming up for me to feel and express about being unworthy and how Anger and frustration has been capping that emotion and it all has come from my Angelic dreams making me feel this way, my Mother and Father know just what to send me to get me working harder and deeper. I had feelings that I wasn't special enough to have a connection with Angels, that I am only me, nothing, no one special and who did I think I was to have Angelic connections. I felt totally stuck in unworthiness and couldn't sleep until I had worked through it. I felt like nothing so special could ever happen to me because for the most of my life I have felt Unseen, Unheard, unimportant, unloved I went down deeper and felt so much despair within the dregs of my soul, I was really scrapping the bottom last night, so much sadness and grief that I have been feeling like this for so long and never loved myself enough to work with it and truly feel the despairing pain. I was so unspecial that I couldn't even get the love I needed from my parents, I never felt it so how can an Angel or God love me when they couldn't. My physical parents were meant to love me and they didn't, not as I needed to be loved, I was never worthy of it. I had to be as they wanted me to be for them to love me so this told me that the true Me was not lovable, not worth loving so I felt so much loss and grief in that like the true me had to die to be loved so I lived a false life full of false Love, they have never known me, no body has I have had all untrue, unworthy relationships and its a real killer, a total waste of time, pointless and meaningless to live so untrue, unloving to your self, there is only meaning and purpose in Love of which I felt none and I feel that is the feeling we all carry within us, we know at a soul level we are living a lie and the unfulfilled feeling we all carry is to be loved to give us some meaning and purpose and that can only be healed with finding the truth through our feelings. We are all being loved for our false selves because that is how our parents wanted it to be, they showed me that my true self is not worth loving but the false self was and we are all living this way, such a sin to teach us. Then I began to break through by looking at how my physical parents taught me everything false, to be false, to live a lie and this is the me they loved, nothing real or true, any thing real or true was unworthy of love. But on the other side I have my True Mother and Father and the Angels and they love my True self, my soul. God loves my true self soul because it is how they created me to be, to be true, of course God loves me as they created me from a fragment of themselves and they love their creation unconditionally. God loves what they created, of course. My physical parents love their creation of mind and programing to be like them full of their errors and falseness and My true parents love their creation me being an attribute, fragment of them, their unconditionally loved fragment of them. I felt amazing at this stage, it was all so clear, the truth of it all just rushed into me when I asked for God to help me, I am never denied and now I know in my heart and my soul that I am worthy because I am a fragment of God and God is worthy, I come from my true parents in heaven and I am love as they are, I am their true child. My parents in heaven would never be so unloving as to not love a fragment of themselves, their creation I am a worthy child of My True Parents as they created me ands not the subservient, sinful, and depraved creature of my false teachers, the greatest of thy creation and the most wonderful of all thy handiworks and the object of thy great souls love and tenderest care. I now know and feel this as truth in my soul. Thinking anything less is denial of myself, my soul , my feelings and My Mother and Father that created me as a fragment of them and their essence. I feel GOOD.
I have been re-reading the posts I have written and the responses from You, James and Mary. It is a thing I do from time to time and every time I re-read them I can see how I have grown and changed and I understand aspects of what you and Mary have written in a different way, I really feel a soul expansion and I feel so different to the person I was when I began posting on here. I have been looking back on my journals from years ago where I would write all of my feelings down and my dreams and what I thought they were about and can see that I was only skimming the service compared to the depths I reach now and the release I feel when I have got to the core of my feelings. I am healing physical pain so quickly now and hardly suffer compared to how bad I have been in the past. Since I have been on the forum my healing has accelerated and my relationship with my Mother and Father is all that matters, it is my whole meaning and purpose in Life as I am seeing everyday how they are communicating with me through my feelings, it is such a wonderful feeling to be so aware of their never ending guidance in every moment, I am seeing it more every day in every event and in Nature, it is all there for me and everyone if we can perceive it. I feel Gods communication is so miraculous and clever in the ways it speaks to me in everything that I do, with every interaction and every event that is brought to me, I am so amazed James and all you and Mary have told me is happening and given me such faith and the more faith I have, the more I perceive My True Parents looking after me and showing me the condition of my soul, reflecting it back at me every moment so I can develop my humility to truly feel all of my feelings with such a desire and passion. Thank you Mary and James for your guidance. Speak soon.
Hi James, I feel that my longing for Divine Love has now become a part of my being, it is always with me and I love doing it, I love asking my Mother and Father for their Divine Love even if I am not feeling it flow I know that I can keep asking and when I have understood the emotions that prevent it flowing, I will feel it again but my longing is a real part of me. I say the prayer for Divine Love every day and am feeling it deeper the more I am becoming familiar with it, it is now beginning to be understood and enter my soul more and at times I feel so moved by some of the words and feel them so deeply that I get a rush of deep excitement in my heart that makes me feel very emotional. I look forward to going to bed as I spend time before sleeping longing to my Mother and Father and asking them to bring me all I need to know about myself, show me in every moment what needs healing in my soul and I am always answered, in sleep time and during the day I am brought all I need. I would say my best time is before I sleep as I drift of in prayer and it continues in sleep.
I am no longer asking Mary and Jesus things for other people. I will leave the thread as it is together with the board heading although it’s misleading as there is still a lot of useful information on it.
If you want to ask ABOUT Mary and Jesus and about things you’ve read of mine that they have said, please ask me.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!