Post by Samantha McCabe on Mar 2, 2014 9:31:46 GMT 10
I feel I would like to express my deep gratitude to Mary and Jesus for their constant comfort and the revelations that are showing themselves to me when I seek the truth within my feelings. I feel I have your spirits of Truth with me so I am never alone even at my times of deepest suffering in accepting my evilness, expressing it and finding my truth. It has been your comfort that I have held on to all these years when I have felt truly abandoned I know that old things are passing away and all things are becoming new because I have your Spirits of Truth with me. You both have revealed to me the truth of my true Heavenly Mother and Father and that I am their daughter, I long to them with full sincerity for their Divine Love and I make time for my prayer. My healing is my life it is the most loving act I can do for myself and I feel I have found my true family in Mary and Jesus and my true Heavenly Parents.
Thank you so much James. Deepest Gratitude to Mary, Jesus and yourself. I do feel there spirit of truth working with me and wanted them to know. It makes it all feel more personal for me and so special.
Samantha, I loved what you said, it’s perfect, exactly how I would imagine someone would feel receiving the comfort from Mary’s and Jesus’ Spirits of Truth. It’s such a great thing for me to see it is all true, all in how you are with them and the truth that’s come to light for you, it substantiating all I’ve written with Mary and Jesus. And to see that you’ve done it all for yourself with them, without having just taken what I’ve said and applying it. And as I said before, the fact you’ve embraced them both, because that IS the biggest part of what they are telling us, that for us to truly spiritually grow and so heal our wrongness, we need to willingly embrace them BOTH. It’s just so important for us to understand and accept that the Feminine part has been denied so heavily, and you are repeatedly confirming this for me.
All I am revealing with their help hinges upon our understanding what we are denying the feminine aspect of truth as represented by Mary and how that limits our relationship with God. I’ve only had Mary and Jesus and the other spirits, and Marion to a small degree in supporting me about the existence of the Heavenly Mother, so I still question at times as to whether or not I’m just making it up and Mary and Jesus are just going along with me. The Heavenly Mother came to me before I started communicating with Mary and Jesus, and I feel like I’m out on a limb with all I say about Her. So hearing your feedback is certainly helping me feel better about it all. And all because of the truth you are living, for as I said, I’ve not read or heard of anyone else speaking about it all as you do. I’ve monitored the ‘Divine Love people’, my brother and his partner being two of them, and yet none of them have moved to do their healing nor looked to embrace Mary or the feminine. There is only one other guy and his partner up in Queensland in know about who have touched on it a little in regards to looking to heal ones repressed childhood feelings whilst including longing for the Divine Love, however he believes he’s Jesus and his partner is Mary reincarnated, which as far as I’m concerned, limits their growth and their being truly able to embrace Mary and Jesus because their own egos are in the way. So once again I’m feeling more excited about it all, good feelings I’ve never dared allow myself to have because of the fear of getting crunched yet again by my parents.
Marion has always insisted in just keeping it all personal, that it’s all only for and about myself, it’s my personal revelation, my personal relationship with God and loving Them as my Mother and Father, and has always questioned me about my motives as to why I want to put it out there. Those motives I’m still working on, however as I feel to keep putting it out there, then my worry has been, as reading from the Padgett Messages, that if one teaches the wrong truth one has to one day un-teach it. And being in a fucked state, what is right, when my motivations can’t be true as I’m not true. It’s all so difficult all the time and right at the moment associated with other things I’m going through concerning my inability to drive my own feeling healing, I’m feeling so demented by it all. So for you to work it all out yourself shows me that at least other people are doing it, so it doesn’t really matter if all I say is wrong, because at least it’s not going to screw up anyone more than they already are. As it all seems to be helping you greatly as you work on healing yourself through your feelings, so as long as I stick to that, then people might feel okay about it. And of course if people want to take what I say and add it to their negative state, there’s nothing I can do about that... and around I go again in circle... I’m currently furious with how I am and feeling so powerless to help myself being at one of those times where I feel like chucking it all in and just giving up, it all being too hard. I am so sick and tired of having to rely on someone else to keep prodding me to express my feelings. I just want to be doing it naturally. It’s one thing knowing the theory, but being unable to even apply it to myself all the time is so humiliating and very frustrating. And I am trying to express all these feelings longing for the truth of them, but fuck I feel like I never get anywhere with any of it.
I’m sorry I’ve gone on a bit about my stuff, however I’m sure you understand, and I want to keep trying to be as real and true to it all as I can and not trying to contrive anything more than I already do. I was half way through responding to you when all this came up with Marion and I had to write part of it down.
When I was feeling better I asked Mary and Jesus if they wanted to comment on what you said - this too being new for me.
Mary: Dear Samantha, it greatly pleases us that you do see that your healing is your life, for that is the truth you must live. Jesus and I have been fully aware of your struggles right the way through your life, and although we are currently no longer personally involved with people on Earth as in helping them to progress on an ongoing basis, still we are aware of the workings of our Spirits Truth in those people who are striving to live true to themselves through their feelings. We can ‘sense’ and perceive your sincerity and your longing to the Mother and Father for Their Divine Love, and it makes us feel good that you are on your way and that one day we will meet you in person in the Celestial spheres.
And as you know, you have a very loving team of Celestial spirits helping you with all you do, and there are many good things in store for you as you progress through your healing. Jesus and I will at times be descending to the Earth planes to visit you and others such as yourself who are doing their healing. If you feel us in person with you, more than when you feel our Spirits of Truth with you, then know that it will be so. And if you feel like speaking to us then, by all means do so. (And for your readers James, please understand that we are not going to be working consistently, as in ongoing regular communication, with anyone anymore (except you James as you need to keep revealing what we say)).
I will not say more at this time Samantha, there are still other things James needs to experience which I don’t want to compromise, however should you wish to ask us specifically about anything, then please do via James, or when we come to you.
Jesus is here with me and together we send you all our love through our Spirits of Truth; and when we are with you in person, we will shine the light of our love for you, on you, and you will feel it to be so in your heart. We will speak again soon - Mary.
Post by Samantha McCabe on Mar 2, 2014 20:46:31 GMT 10
This is the most wonderful thing you have done for me and confirms what I already felt, that Mary and Jesus are with me in the way of their spirit of truth. All the work you have done and put out their for others to read is the experience of your personal journey and we can be so inspired by that but it is your journey and your experience and has been so vital for me to read it to know that I and others like me are not alone and locked into our inner world, you have documented your experience and it has been a comfort to read what I have of it but you never have to worry about being responsible for anyone else and we have to know that and feel what the truth of our own feelings are about it all, I have let my soul guide me as to what is true for me and I trust my soul as it guided me to your writings which have resonated to how I feel. I am responsible for my own journey and have felt my way through it for a long time knowing that my minds control took me in the wrong direction so when I read what you write my feelings connect and understand every word because I feel it to be the truth for me. Others may not feel it right for them but that is fine as they are not yet ready for the truth, until their alarm clock goes off and it is their time to discover your writings. For me your writings are the truth because I was guided to them through my longing for the truth from Mary Magdalene as I was like a dog with a bone on trying to find out if I could feel the truth in what I was reading about her but I had no great thunderbolts until I found your piece and I knew the feeling, I could stop drilling because I had struck oil ha ha. I read a lot out to Trevor and he loves your work too, he has lead a truly feeling lead journey and worked on sky TV for 4 years doing life coaching and helping others, he has lost everything through devoting his life to his spiritual work and writings he spent his life living from the hand of others because he was so willing to trust his soul and dedicate his life to his healing. So many will find your work James and they will trust that they have been guided to it as and when they hear the call for truth and they too will feel the comfort of your experiences, knowing it is your experience. I understand what you say about teaching an untruth then having to un teach it because I have been subtly doing that with my kids as and when it comes up and I have had to accept I got it wrong and went through the awful guilt of ruining there most crucial stages in life but I think I have always been pretty open and free with them so I hope the damage is not to huge as hey are very balanced kids but time will tell and we will continue to be open honest and respectful to each other. But you don't have to take on the burden of us all we are not your responsibility and have to look to our selves to find out why we believe what we do and heal it all through how we feel. Your work is vital James and Marion in showing us the new way. Don't Chuck it all in, ever. My message has given me so much thank you.
All was going so well but I feel I have come up against a wall. I have been so confused. I am praying and longing for my Mother and Fathers Divine Love but I feel my mind is having another attempt at having one over on me. My mind is doing all it can to gain control over my feelings when I am longing for Divine Love. It keeps butting in and getting in the way, interfering with my time with my Mother and Father, I have been getting upset and so fed up with being interfered with, interrupted when I want to do something that is so important to me, that's it isn't it, I am being shown how much it upset me through my forming years to be interrupted and interfered with when I was doing anything that meant a lot to me but my Mind is taking the role of my parents, that feels so right. My mind is being my parents and blocking me from my true Mother and Father, when my physical parents should have been showing me the way but they wanted to be my Gods, their game would be up and they would lose all power and control just as my mind will, it is making sense, I think I can feel the truth being revealed to me. My mind is now taking the roll of my parents in all its untruth, it being what they taught me, and interrupting with my will as they did, it is reminding me how it felt to have to please them by doing their will whilst pushing mine aside like it means nothing, it is subservient to theirs so I went through life being/feeling subservient to everyone especially my mind which controlled me to the point of destruction. This has been a war within me this week, the mind and the feelings and I have got through so many pages in my Feeling Healing Journal with just expressing this but writing this tonight feels such a relief and an emptying out, I feel this truth has been revealed to me by writing it here. I have had a week feeling so bad but I did ask for it as I ask my Mother and Father to keep bringing up within me what needs to be healed, but wow, it has been so tough and just so much work and at times I can not keep up with the speed it all comes in and reveal's itself through my feelings, I just cant keep up writing, which is incredible and a good thing. So many different aspects and triggers that are connected to one feeling, it is a true miracle although so exhausting. It is my life and nothing is more important to me than to heal my evilness and see all the wrongness in me and humanity, once you see it within yourself you can see how the world got to be in the state it is in. Just to know I have your constant Comfort through all this makes me feel less alone when it all gets so intense. My deepest gratitude to James, Marion, Mary and Jesus.
I sure can relate to your mind taking over the role of your parents and so interfering with you. It’s been a very long and difficult struggle for me to understand - and then accept - that we take on the lot during our forming years, by which I mean, within myself I am my parents and grandparents still being them to my little young self. And as much as I wanted to believe that I grew up and grew away from them and even outgrew them, no, they are still within me, still controlling my every move. I deluded myself to think that in becoming an adult I was now the one in control, even in control of them, and it’s agony having to give up the false power I’ve had, having to face the truth that really I’ve no power over them, as they never allowed me to have any.
And it’s taking me a long time to accept that our healing is not so much about actually breaking through it all, liberating ourselves from our parents control, although that does naturally happen along and way and is thankfully the end result of it when we are fully healed; but that in fact whilst we’re doing it - our part in it if you like with God taking care of our actual liberation - is just allowing ourselves to feel how controlled and how powerless and bad we feel in our relationship with our parents. So we just keep submitting ourselves to our bad feelings, accepting them, expressing them and allowing ourselves to feel the truth that comes to us - it being truly how we are.
Another thing that comes to mind reading your post is that I can see very clearly you are committed to healing yourself, and therefore by being so, you don’t have to worry about it, it’s going to keep happening - the process will keep happening. You’re on the ‘healing treadmill’ and it would take you a lot of effort now to get off it, should you want to return to your ‘old way of life’.
And from what your week sounds like it’s been, having to wrestle constantly with it all, with no resolution coming, days of feeling confused and demented, all I can say is it’s all good - certainly harrowing, but all very good. It’s all, as you mentioned in your post, about you reasserting your will, deciding what you actually want, bringing up your protest about being so overpowered, that which you weren’t allowed to express when young and as it was happened to you. As you probably understand, our whole healing is really our ‘will-healing’, it’s all about the rectification of our will; and because of that, we need to have our mind constantly broken down so we can connect with our will understanding what’s happening to it: how it was interfered with, how we had to then adjust it to another’s will, and how we then apply our ‘new wills focus’ to keeping ourselves against ourselves and living untrue. And with our will fully focused against ourselves, and so being unloving to ourselves - anti ourselves, anti the truth of ourselves and so anti our true self, we are using all its power to keep us that way. So to have to fight it and make it go the other way is too hard, we have no will left to do it with. So what our healing is actually helping us do, is let go, surrender to it, give in and up to our own ‘false will’ by submitting to our feelings. And as we ‘go with the flow’ we can feel just what it feels like being so mean, uncaring, unfeeling and unloving to ourselves. And as we express all that pain, and the confusion resulting from it, then we see how it is - we fully FEEL it, which is all we have to do. It’s all the Mother and Father is asking us to do. And then They alter our will, They actually heal it bit by bit as we reveal the truth of our anti will states to ourselves through our feelings. So our minds are empowered by our will that is going against ourselves, thereby causing the struggle you expressed so well in this post - all you’ve been going through this week. I imagine you might even feel like your will (and mind) is separate from you, this invading force trying to have its way over you all the time, which it is, it being your parents as you said, but it is still also yourself, you needing to have power over yourself. And why you need to have power over yourself and treat yourself to unlovingly is what is coming to light. It being all because you believe it’s right for you to be this way, that being the horrible negative anti-self pattern your parents established in you.
I’ve asked Mary and Jesus if they would like to say anything to you. And Mary is with me now so I’ll give over to her.
Mary: My dear Samantha, as James said, very good, it’s all very good, you’re doing very well. I have nothing more to add than what James has said to you, other than one thing, which will not mean that much to you, and you might have to wait a little time for it, however more help is going to come to you. Of course I can’t be more specific, and the only reason I am mentioning it is because I want you to understand that you are not alone in all you are doing. Jesus and I can feel you drawing upon our Spirits of Truth and this greatly pleases us.
And this I am saying to both you and James and anyone else who might do their healing; you understand that you will feel so alone throughout your healing because that is how you felt throughout your forming years. Although you had people around you, and supposedly people who cared for you, the truth is they didn’t, they didn’t love you as you needed to be loved, for had they, you’d never feel alone. And so it’s important to allow yourself when the pressure is on, to feel just as alone as you do feel, and to express such bad feelings. You have used your minds to try and be ‘false comforters’, you’ve looked to them to try and give you a sense that you are not alone, developing an ego of self that states I am all right, I can look after myself; and even, I can do it all myself - I don’t need anyone else! However we all need someone else, the reason why we’re given a soulmate. So by allowing yourself to accept you are alone, and to feel all those bad feelings, will help give rise to your fears of being alone or fears of ending up alone, that you might have. And in giving voice to such fears will help to break down your dependancy on your mind for its false comfort, instead allowing the true comfort to come into yourself as you truly comfort yourself with the truth that comes to you.
Samantha, please feel free to ask Jesus or I any questions through James. Love Mary M.
All of this has given me so much help and comfort, thank you. Yes, I have felt quite confused, demented, and separate this week it has been scary but also I have been glad to have had it all come up so I can express it all and get more rubbish out of me, no matter how gruelling and harrowing it truly is. I have had so much resistance shown to me on Face book too as I have been expressing my feelings to the spiritual comments put on there that I have felt I had to respond to, not wanting to remain quiet anymore, there is no hope I feel for the spiritual community, they are now just as controlling as religion in the way they responded to my writing, but that is to be expected. I feel I do not want to be quiet anymore but I could feel them writhing with anger, shaking their love and light. Just like my parents, they loved me all the time I agreed with them but hated me when I didn't, they hated the truth. In the way they responded gave me a lot of feelings to heal and reveal the truth of so I found it all very useful to my healing and how I felt about it all. I thought it would have been so much easier if I just kept my mouth shut but I couldn't and am glad I didn't because I got so much out of it, they will never know how much they have helped me to uncover more truth in how I felt. I am going to see Trevor today and we always have a good chat about life and feelings, we went to see "Noah" the movie on Friday and were just talking about the evilness of man and how we are still all so evil and wrong, the film brought up a lot for him too. Thank you James and Mary for your Truth, I needed the comfort I found in your reply. My highest gratitude always, Sam.
Post by Samantha McCabe on Apr 17, 2014 12:18:27 GMT 10
Hello James, Mary and Jesus
I have been going through such a confusing time with my healing which is pretty much a constant thing now. I was expressing how throughout my life I have had to work so hard for the love that I have felt I needed, always doing what I was told in fear of not being loved or liked or accepted and it just dawned on me that I am doing exactly that with my longing and pleading for my True Mother and Fathers Divine Love, it just felt so wrong and so evil to myself by having to long in this way, just like I would long to my physical parents for their acceptance and love and still never getting the love I needed to feel. I suddenly realised that I have had to long for Gods Divine love in this way because I have had to see how I have been made to long to and worship my false Gods, my parents, and its the same false relationship I am having with God, pleading and longing to prove I am worth loving, I am a good girl so please love me, I am doing it with God too. I shouldn't have had to long for my parents to love me how I needed them too, it should have been natural but it wasn't so I was made to feel powerless, unloved, alone and evil and longing for Gods love suddenly woke me up to this that I have had to long for divine love to make me see how evil I am being against myself feeling I am not worthy of Gods Divine Love by longing for their love which there are no conditions too, once my evilness is healed it should just flow naturally between us without having to plead or long for it, it should be effortless. I hope I am making sense as I am finding it hard to not spin off into confusion. My longing for Divine Love felt so wrong and now I have hit a wall, a nothingness, I feel in limbo and pointless and that I have been living so against my self and against God by my true self not existing, being denied. What has been the point of my life when it has all been a lie with my truth denied, a pointless existence, a pointless humanity because we are all the same feeding a false, pointless machine. To feel nothing feels like you don't exist because that is the truth I don't exist in my evil state, their is nothing real in a lie which has been my whole existence up to today and having this realisation. The true, real me hasn't come into existence yet but from nothing truth can grow. I tried longing for Divine Love tonight but I couldn't do it, yet again it felt wrong, like I didn't have to long for it. My parents taught me to be like this, this is how they wanted me to be and I am being like it with God, False trying to make them love me as I did with my parents, I'm going to stop there because I just keep loosing the thread of what I am trying to explain.
Fantastic Samantha - another huge insight. What you’re saying makes perfect sense to me. And I think you’ve said it very well. I think it’s one of the top ten major revelations we are to have about ourselves, and it looks like you’ve had it all in one big dose. To be coming to terms with your whole existence being nothing more than a lie - that’s very difficult, to embrace it all, to allow yourself to be swallowed up in it, as shown by your feeling that you are nothing, that’s wonderful as hard as it is. Your confusion I would say is your mind breaking down, letting go, giving up, all the beliefs you’ve had that have been holding you together, as I so often feel with my healing, it’s like having one long mental breakdown.
And to see how you’re projecting onto the Mother and Father your longing for your parents love... yeah so bad, so true, so hard to accept and deal with, but so good you’re seeing it all. My heart goes out to you Sam.
Some years back I found I couldn’t long for the Love anymore. I would try and try but nothing would happen like it used to. I thought I was losing the plot, and upon asking the Mother and Father about it, They said I didn’t need any more Love, not for the time being anyway, that I had enough in my soul. Then through these years I’ve asked Mary and Jesus about it, as the Holy Spirit does come with the Love for my soul at times, but often when I’ve not specifically asking, and I came to the same conclusion that you said, that why should we need to ask for love, surely we are to just feel loving so give it freely and also naturally receive it, which I believe is how it will be with the Mother and Father when we’re healed. A young child just loves and receives love, it’s what fucks us up having to do as you said, all sorts of things to try and get your parents to love you when they SHOULD love you. So when we’re healed we’ll be as true children with our Heavenly Parents - something I am so looking forward to. Gradually over these years I’ve come to understand I have no idea whatsoever about what true love is. All I thought love to be has turned out to be false and as you said, a lie, something I’ve made up and believed with my mind. I still long for the Divine Love, but I also understand that it’s in fact far more important for us to heal ourselves, so longing for the Truth I focus more on all the time and all through the day and whenever I feel stuck, confused and maddened by it all. I’ve also found that when I sit in prayer or meditation for the Love, that I now get more out of the time by focusing on whatever bad feelings are currently up in me, and longing for the truth of them. I used to try and get answers about why I was feeling that way from the spirits or the Mother and Father during that time, but since I’ve realised that’s all still just using my mind, so I just feel and long for the truth, and don’t seek the answers knowing the truth will come of its own accord, just like it has for you as it comes to head, as you’re written in your past couple of healing posts. I do love your posts.
Feeling that nothing-feeling is crucial. It means you’re getting to the core of your state, for that’s what we are all to conclude and understand the truth of - the truth of evil - that there is no love, that it’s all a lie as we are in our evilness. And all our bad feelings stem from feeling unloved, and so how evil we are to ourselves, each other, nature and God.
You’ve been helping me go through more of my stuff. I’ve got this fear, I feel so scared needing constant reassurance in doing everything. I wait for your next post, half dreading you’ll be angry with something I’ve said to you, and yet also desperately wanting you to show me you still like me by not being angry with me - which is all mum. But fuck it gives me the shits, I am so fucking angry about it, just how much control she had over me, how complete it’s turning out to be. That really I can’t think or act for myself, I am just a robot wholly dependent on her. And always... is she going to be angry with me... will she turn on me when we sees me next... or, will she be ‘nice’, not yelling at me, not criticising me. So I wait nervously for your next post... will you be nice to me... or will you yell at me, criticise me, tell me I’m doing it all wrong, that I should change this or that, that I shouldn’t say that, I shouldn’t write that, that it’s not nice to say that that way. You say you feel confused a lot of late, I can certainly relate to late, and demented all the time. Anyway, I’ve been talking to Marion about all of this, shit I’ve been talking about it with her for years as you’re the current person in a long line of people that I’ve projected this onto, both men and women.
Mary’s pressing me to speak to you, so I’ll give over.
Yes, thank you James, I would like to say a few words of encouragement to Samantha. Samantha, you are moving deeper now beyond what you might call ‘normal life’. I guess you have accepted already you are not to live a normal life, it hasn’t been normal anyway, and normality will need to be something that is redefined over the coming years for you. How it is, is all good my dear, very, very, very good. Do you HEAR me - you are progressing very well. And simply allow yourself to feel all your confusing feelings, there are a lot of them coming up fast now but that is what you need, there are other levels operating within you simultaneously of which you are not as yet aware, but don’t need to be. It is very important for you to submit to your feelings as much as you can and just stay true to them. It is a new way for you, there is no one else for you to look to, but you don’t need that, because you have yourself and all your feel. And your feelings will guide you.
Your Heavenly Mother and Father are guiding you, you have a lot of work to do now in so much as putting a lot of things into perspective which you’re coming to see you’ve been working on for years now, but it’s time to reap what you’ve sown concerning this. And by this I mean by the deep and true insights and revelations that are coming to you, as you’ve posted today to James. All that you’ve seen is not the ‘usual’ thing one might expect to uncover and see about oneself should one be on a spiritual path, but your path is leading you back to your soul, back to your true self, and not off into never-never land of your mind.
Keep going. Jesus and I are with you in spirit. All my love and blessings - Mary M.
Samantha, I'd love to know what you felt and what it meant to you when you read Mary saying Do you HEAR me. I just wrote it without any sense of what it would mean to you. However if you don't want to say, it being private and between you and Mary, I completely understand that. And if you feel nothing… well that too I could even understand… I think.
Oh, and by the way, Sam if you have any spare time, I want to ask you to do me a favour by completing my survey on the board 'ask me' and the thread I want to ask you…, but if you feel it's all too much for you just coping with your own confusion and don't want to bother with it, I understand.
I was so relieved to read your response James and Mary, it settled me as I was up all night with my feelings of Nothingness just expressing to the point of Nothing, no more, The End. I felt panic and annihilation and complete loneliness which of course is my truth of how I felt as a child being denied. I began to understand so much about the pain and unloved state I have felt as an adult is telling me all about the years of my life that I cant remember, they are being played out to me within every situation so I feel I don't need to remember how things were then because my soul is communicating them to me now, as an adult through the pain of how I feel, it tells me how it was for me then. I have exactly the same feelings as you do James when I put up a post, as it is my truth I fear getting told of for expressing it, that it is wrong and it is not how my parents want me doing things, it has to be their way, I have to keep them happy and loving me at all costs so expressing any part of me and how I feel would be wrong and I would not be loved so it doesn't come easy to express to others and go against your parents and how they have taught you to be, untrue and unloving to yourself worshiping only them and their wishes as a subservient slave and master relationship. I am the LIE they have created who cant feel for herself without the awful dread and guilt of going against them but going against myself is ok, just don't upset them, not having them love me would mean sure death to me and I have been putting all of that onto God as well. I have understood all that you have said James, completely. Mary's encouraging message was wonderful to receive at this time of madness for me, I do HEAR her and feel her comfort especially I have been calling upon Mary's and Jesus spirit of truth when so much confusion has been coming so relentlessly and strange insights being revealed to me that I wrote down at such a speed but have found it hard to grasp the incredibleness off, revealing such levels that the feelings will show to me, all I kept feeling was that I am not ready for this much yet but I was overwhelmed by the insights, layers and layers to be liberated of which I got a glimpse, there is just so much we are being kept from and its all within us. This led me to my incredible Fall into nothingness as I realised the Lies I had been built on, my existence being pointless all to keep me from this amazing truth that we contain, to keep us blind and deaf to our truth. I have been feeling up one minute and down the next constantly expressing and asking for the truth to be revealed to me, which it is and today has been a day of just being with the emptiness I am feeling, not doing anything to move away from it or be distracted from it, I am not knowing where to go from here because I want my feelings to take the lead, I know when my mind is creeping in because the panic and confusion takes over then that creates so much fear that I have to go back to expressing and writing like mad about those feelings of fear and annihilation that being nothing is, all the truth of my forming years which I have denied feeling.
I will reply to your survey James, no Problem.
There is more to what I want to say but I am spinning off into confusion again and that brings with it certain feelings I need to express to bring me back to my feelings and away from my minds control of the fear of nothingness, not existing. I will carry on later but I thank you and Mary as always, my deepest thanks.
Reading your post yesterday made me feel like asking Mary more about it in my Speaking with Mary and Jesus diary. I'm going to post this ahead of the sequence as… well, it's about you. And Wes too. And it might help you, as it has done so for me, understand more about how we are to relate to our longing.
And I'm glad that what I wrote and what Mary said to you yesterday does make you feel more settled. I'm still astounded as to all you are writing - all you are going through. I have to read what you say and then let it for a while and re-read it later, seeing what feelings come up, and I love feeling the impact what you write has on me.
Samantha on the Divine Love Spirituality forum said... Friday, 18 April 2014
Mary, on my Divine Love Spirituality forum Samantha said:
“...always doing what I was told in fear of not being loved or liked or accepted and it just dawned on me that I am doing exactly that with my longing and pleading for my True Mother and Fathers Divine Love, it just felt so wrong and so evil to myself by having to long in this way, just like I would long to my physical parents for their acceptance and love and still never getting the love I needed to feel. I suddenly realised that I have had to long for Gods Divine love in this way because I have had to see how I have been made to long to and worship my false Gods, my parents, and its the same false relationship I am having with God, pleading and longing to prove I am worth loving, I am a good girl so please love me, I am doing it with God too. I shouldn't have had to long for my parents to love me how I needed them too, it should have been natural but it wasn't so I was made to feel powerless, unloved, alone and evil and longing for Gods love suddenly woke me up to this that I have had to long for divine love to make me see how evil I am being against myself feeling I am not worthy of Gods Divine Love by longing for their love which there are no conditions too, once my evilness is healed it should just flow naturally between us without having to plead or long for it, it should be effortless.”
Yes James, she is fully honouring her bad feelings with this being part of the truth her feelings are wanting her to see about herself. It being of course, what her soul, what the Mother and Father want her to understand about her current relationship with Them - that it’s a lie, something contrived and resulting unnaturally from her relationship with her parents. It is a perfect expression of someone who is striving to live true to herself through her ongoing feeling acceptance, expression and personal truth revelation. She is a perfect example of all that Jesus and I have been encouraging your readers to do by embracing their soul-healing with the Divine Love. She has willing embraced our Spirits of Truth, balancing the masculine and feminine within herself, doing all that is being asked of her by her soul - just perfect. And we are so pleased with her and all she is accomplishing, for she is an example of the ‘New Way’, the way women can inspire themselves as well as others by leading and living from their feelings. And the further she goes in establishing her relationship with herself and her feelings the more she will grow and gain confidence in how life is to be for her, a living example of someone living true to their soul and who is firmly on their ascent to Paradise working first on healing herself of her evilness. She substantiates all Jesus and I have said to you, she is someone other than yourself James, and Marion, someone who is applying all the spiritual principles correctly, and so is now progressing very well in her self-healing and self-growth.
It’s very difficult for her Mary, as she says, feeling so confused being inundated by so many bad feelings and seeing so much about herself through them, and seemingly doing it mostly alone.
No one ever said it was going to be easy James. It is very, very difficult as you know, however your whole life, your beginning through the womb, when you were born, living and growing up surrounded by and continually under the conditional influences of evil were extremely difficult, and even for those people who were allowed to have some power in their families and so feel life is good and a breeze for them, it was still very hard. And so your healing will be very hard, but nothing you won’t be able to cope with, that I can assure you. You will be systematically broken down, but all in keeping with all that you will need to do, your soul will see to it that it all goes smoothly, even when like Samantha is feeling she is NOTHING - just evil, no love, not loving, a nothing person. All that you are meant to see and feel about your evilness, because that is what evil is. And to be free of your evil state will only happen when you’ve experienced the full truth of it, and so that means, WHEN YOU’VE FELT THE WHOLE TRUTH OF IT THROUGH YOUR FEELINGS - ALL THE DIFFERENT ASPECTS AND PARTS OF IT.
Mary, what I was wanting to ask you about in regards to what Samantha said was the part about how we have to long to the Mother and Father for Their love, when really shouldn’t it just be given freely to us as we freely love Them.
Yes, James of course it should, however do you freely love Them?
No, I can’t, I’m not free in myself to do anything, being so heavily controlled by my parents.
That’s right, so you are to relate to Them in the truth of your negative state, which means, as Jesus told you in the Padgett Messages, you have to apply your longing, apply your will, but not with your mind, although that can help you determine what you want to do, but with and through your feelings. You can’t long with your mind, you have to FEEL-long if I can put it like that. Your longing is an expression of what you feel. You feel you want God’s love, so you express that feeling in your longing. And you desperately want it the more you understand you don’t just naturally have it, however as Samantha is seeing, there is also her projection of her relationship with her parents she is putting on and trying to influence and control her Mother and Father with. And all as she is doing that to herself. And she’s in the process of breaking down and seeing just how influential her mind is, what it’s trying to do, where it’s power is - where it’s trying to gain power, and how it is affecting her relationship with herself and God. And slowly she’ll feel more through her feelings how she wants to relate to the Mother and Father. And from those feelings her natural spontaneous longing with develop, so she will FEEL when to long, and she will act spontaneously and naturally on those feelings - on that longing, and her relationship will be with the Mother and Father as that of a free loving child with its free loving parents. But this will evolve the more she heals herself with it coming to fruition when she completes her healing, because up until then, there will still be parts of herself interfering with it, which applies to you all, which we’ve spoken about before.
Yes. So you could say there is a difference between our longing using our mind to create and motivate and activate that longing, it even creating our feeling of wanting to long, and then our true feeling longing coming from true feelings without the interference of the mind.
Yes. And this causes a lot of people problems, as you’ve read on the other Divine Love forums.
So there is a lot more to longing for the Love than we understand from the Padgett Messages.
Yes. Which is what you have to work out for yourselves as you share your experiences of it whilst you do your healing, as you can’t work out such things only with your mind.
So really in that light, the Padgett Messages are just the tip of the iceburg for us, just a brief introduction of sorts.
Yes, exactly. They are merely to point you in a certain direction, but not one that will take you away from your controlling mind as Jesus and myself are not to control you, or tell you what to do. You have to decide to end your evilness yourselves, which means accept that you are that way, and then work out how you go about healing yourself of it. All through our writing with you James, we’ve done the same thing, just go along with you, helping you to point in a certain direction, but all only because you and Marion have already taken all those steps yourselves. And all we’ve spoken about is only the beginning, humanity has a very long way to go in understanding and taking apart its evilness bit by bit to see how it all works, how you are influenced by it and how it’s all passed down to you through your family and carers and influencing adults during your forming years. And from reading Samantha’s posts compared to all the other posts you read from people who say they are growing spiritually you can immediately see there is a huge difference, and it’s not hard to work out who is actually advancing their soul and growing in truth, and who is just playing around in the mind trying to increase their false ego and gain more false power.
She is like a breath of fresh air for me, I’m not reading anyone else’s stuff on those so-called spiritual websites anymore, I can’t bear all the same stuff said over and over in different ways all of which is meaningless and does nothing to help one with ones healing.
Why waste your time James when it’s all only serving the controlling mind.
So Samantha is giving up one way to find another way of relating to and so longing to the Mother and Father for Their Divine Love.
Yes, giving up the wrong mind-led way for a feeling-inspired one. She will come to see that she need not worry about her relationship with the Mother and Father, that They are always Their for her, and that she is and can and will go to Them through her feelings, as she moved by her feelings to do so. And this will liberate her into having a true and free relationship with Them, one she is free to explore and develop through her own soul, and not one in which she is expected to behave a certain way for a certain end result. So she will find she’ll start to feel more relaxed, more at ease and peace in her relationship with Them, and just free to get on with it, and on with it how she feel she wants to, it having NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE. You are all to find your own private and personal relationship with God, which you can’t do whilst you’re living untrue to yourselves through your mind. But it is there, awaiting you, and ONLY to be found through your feelings.
And Mary, what about Wesley?
He is learning about himself through is feelings, coming to terms with the fact that he too is free to have them, and free to express them, and free to follow them. His self-confidence is slowly and steadily growing in his relationship with himself and with the Mother and Father. He will find that many of the feelings he has always had have in fact been right and true for himself, only he wasn’t allowed to follow or express them. So he is going through a period of separation from the old, feeling happier and happier that he has found the new, and a new way that entirely - and will do so more with every passing day - suits him and his needs. And he has come along into your life James to help you appreciate that it doesn’t matter how one is, it only matters how one feels. And that the surface is not necessarily reflective of the deeper truth, which when looked for through ones feelings changes how one sees the surface, helping you to recognise other aspects in it. I am not as yet at liberty to speak more openly about such things with you James, however in time Jesus and I will be able to. Other things need to happen first, there is a long way to go before what you sense and suspect comes to fruition, and not so much in actual time, but in truth and understanding. And as always Jesus and I don’t want to interfere in that with you. So I will hold my tongue for the time being, as I’ve already said enough.
Very well Mary, I sort of understand, more strange feelings I have, which I’ll add to my pile and speak about with Marion.
Yes James, for as you now know yourself better so you are beginning to explore the real you that you are, that which you’ve never known. So all the things happening in your life, including Samantha and Wesley coming to your forum are to help you with that.
Marion was saying yesterday that she feels in some way that she now understands all the truth of her evilness, and that she’s just reading the books now more to help her see what life is like for other people whilst she focuses on just bringing all those parts of herself out now that her parents denied her. Is that what you mean?
Yes. You still have some more of the bigger picture to understand, but as Marion doesn’t need to understand that intellectually so she is free now to get to know her emerging true self. She’s still not finished her healing, you will both know when that moment officially arrives, but as she said, she now understands the whole picture of her suffering.
And what about the state of the world?
It’s all on course to the inevitable end, which I can’t say anything more about. The end of Jesus’ and my age. It’s all coming along perfectly as one would expect were one able to know what to look for.
Thank you Mary, I feel there is still more I want to ask you about our longing for the Divine Love but I can’t get it just yet. So I’ll stop now and see how I feel about it all over the next few days.
And I’ll be here James. Speak to you soon Mary M.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Oh the worries the worry of it all, but you’re back - Yeah!, welcome back Sam. They are endless, so many worries, had I been too patronising, too controlling, and I’d put her off, yes that must be it, why she’s gone - talk and express, express to Marion... but maybe I wasn’t that bad, maybe she just went away on a holiday, yes, that might be it, people can do that, they do go away on holidays (where have I been all my life!), they do have a life, yes, a life with other people, more than just the forum - express, express.... oh god I hope she is all right, that I haven’t pushed her along too much, too hard, too fast, what with all Mary was saying, she might have blown up, ceased, it being all too much, too many bad feelings, mental breakdown, giving it all up, never want to speak about another bad feeling - express, express: ‘James, be careful, stop pushing them too much, they can’t keep up with you, they are only little, you’ll hurt them, be more gentle’, always being told to stop, to hold back, to stop being how I want to be... worries, worries, so many worries, always more worries to come up and out. But now you’re back, ah the relief, and you’d think it would be the end of my worries; but no, there is more, always more... but what if she goes away again, what if does get put off by me, what if I do something wrong, say something wrong and she doesn’t like me... always more worries, I’m so worried - talk and express to Marion, talk, talk, talk, endlessly talking, always more worries - fuck I’m a worried nervous wreck, who’d want to have anything to do with me... Welcome back Samantha!
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Hope you dont mind me butting in. But that sounds like me all the time WORRYING all the time until I fall asleep. I dont like sleep to much now a days figured I slept enough in my life. How much more do I need. I also like to introduce myself to Samantha. Hello Samantha. Being pushed in the right direction is way better than quickly going in the wrong one. Glad we are all back.
Yes, so good to be back with my Brothers and Sisters of Truth, a true family. I had to deal with all of my feelings about this situation of being disconnected from the Forum and I understood the message in the disconnection, it made me feel how I have always felt Alone, separate, unloved the separation has been a huge two weeks of disconnection. I felt stopped by something out of my control like being sent to my room or being punished and not aloud to see friends all taking me back to the pain of being controlled and interfered with if I didn't do as my controllers told me. Not only did my internet go down but my phone also, I dealt with feeling truly abandoned and solitary. I was placed back into the nothingness of being alone and could do nothing but feel every part of it. I lost my internet connection but gained huge insights into my Inner connection. Its all so clever, disturbing but amazing. I am so glad you gained from it too James being able to express all you felt to Marion about all the "what if's" and "did I's" and "was I to .....". I understand all of those feelings you have spoken about as I was concerned that you may feel this way and wanted the internet back on so I could put you at ease, that it was nothing you had said. So through those feelings I had to then deal with worrying about your feelings above mine and me not wanting you to feel bad through something that had happened to me, all of this has been so enlightening all round. All still so punishing to ourselves.
Hi Wesley, great to be here with you at this incredible time of change and living Truth Experience. I have loved reading your pieces on here and they help me reveal more about myself and how I feel.
So much revealed by having no Connection or not being able to communicate to my family on the Forum, it revealed the lack of communication I felt in my forming years because I never felt or received the love I truly needed so I was disconnected from them, I never felt I belonged their and didn't want them near me because I was hurt and felt permanently unloved no matter what I did to make them love me, I was invisible. And this disconnection made me feel the longing to have their love the way I needed to be loved, the longing to be connected to them by Truth and Love and all those feelings I find within myself as I reveal my Truth all through my feelings, the communication from my Soul that being what my Mother and Father want me to know and I find it to be a Miracle to heal myself in this way having full faith in my Mother and Father to give me what I need, as they did with revealing to me the pain felt in my forming years through the experience of having no Internet or phone connection, how that took me right to the root of the feeling.
Within those two weeks of feeling abandoned I also went through the 2nd anniversary of Harry's (My husband) death and had to just sit with going through those feelings of abandonment again so it all connected in a very amazing way, hard hitting but amazing and all given for me to heal and once expressed fully the lightness within my soul is perfect, I felt so clear and empty, until the next load of bad feelings came that is, but for that time I felt good and clean.
Fantastic how it all connects - ha, ha - up, isn't it just incredible! What perfect timing so you had to deal with all those bad feelings to do with Harry, all cut off, all by yourself being unable, I guess, to share any pain with your parents when you were young and so being put right back into a similar feeling-situation.
"I understand all of those feelings you have spoken about as I was concerned that you may feel this way and wanted the internet back on so I could put you at ease, that it was nothing you had said. So through those feelings I had to then deal with worrying about your feelings above mine and me not wanting you to feel bad through something that had happened to me…"
Oh Sam, there's some juicy stuff here. Can you say more about wanting to put me at ease - why did you want to put me at ease, what were your worries, and why did you have them do you think? And what about putting my feelings above your own - that's a huge one. Would you mind saying more about that?
And I do love how you understand all I say about my worries, would you say you are a very empathetic person with people's feelings - I suppose you've already shown that. And has it been difficult for you being this way?
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Sam, this is what I wrote about a week ago thinking you might come back soon, but having expressed it all to Marion I haven't felt that way since. I wasn't going to post it as I thought it was redundant, things having moved on, however… so here it is.
Hello Samantha, I’m glad you’ve posted again and I hope you read this. I started feeling bad because I felt I might have been condescending or worse so - patronising, in some of the comments I’ve made to your posts. So if that was the case, I want to apologise, as really one part of me didn’t want to express myself this way, being genuinely very happy and pleased about all you wrote - and pleased for you doing your healing. However the other bad-feeling part did want - so I’ve had to admit - to be this way with you, which I expressed to Marion uncovering yet more truth about myself. I am still astounded how every time I speak more about my feelings, such weird behavioural and belief things come to light about myself. As I was telling Marion about how I felt like I’d been patronising to you, I could also feel anger - not at you, but at mum and Gran - who else!, and particularly even Gran’s anger at mum for being able to be relatively successful in the world, such as having her own business, which I think Gran was jealous of. Mum is a no-hoper in Gran’s eyes, she can’t doing anything right (right as Gran believes they should be done), with Gran taking any chance to put her down, and to also patronise her as if in some way mum can’t help it - the poor thing, it’s just how she is, she never did listen to common sense. Gran always being far more superior than her daughter. And then I realised that in fact I am scared that you Sam will take over the spiritual stuff, that I’m jealous of you like Gran is of mum, for being able to express your feelings so well, and uncover their truth, and all by yourself - without needing the help of a Marion type person. And that you will become the great world spiritual leader enlightening everyone about the need to and how to do ones healing, and I will just - as always happened when mum and Gran took over - fade away into the background. So once again they have taken all I am and used it for their own self-gain and to make themselves be the great ones, making me feel crushed and superfluous. Then I have to be happy being one of their fans, being one of their audience, praising and supporting their greatness. But then having expressed it all to Marion I no longer felt bad and that such things bothered me anymore, at least for the time being, until no doubt the next round comes up inside me. Anyway, I still hope I’ve not sounded too patronising, and I don’t feel in competition with you, and I wish you all the best in your healing, and only want to support you and be of any help if I can; and be one of your fans, but because I want to, and not because mum and Gran are saying I have to. So I hope I’ve ended a little more of my projecting myself and all my yuk onto other people. It’s horrible waking up to the truth that you’re not such a nice loving person after all, that you’ve just made that all up.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Hi James, my sudden disappearance from the forum caused me to go into feelings of worrying about how you might be feeling. I felt you would be blaming yourself in some way and I didn't want you to have those pains as to whether it was something you had said as I left with no explanation or build up. I was projecting onto you how I would feel in the same situation, through my relationship with my parents. Knowing that you, as I, have been living in a constant state of not wanting to upset our parents by speaking our truth, being our truth and not what they had created, they would then loss their power and how would we survive without their control, they made sure we wouldn't. You don't want to upset me(your parents) as you didn't want to upset your parents and I am the same in my not wanting to upset you(my parents) or anyone but we would rather upset ourselves, punish ourselves before hurting anyone else as that is how we have been taught to be, against ourselves, Evil. I was more concerned about your feelings than mine as I was as a child with my parents, their feelings before mine just as they had shown me. We still cannot live true to ourselves because of the fear of losing the love illusion from our parents so we put everyone above ourselves to get the love feeling we needed and to risk being our truth we risk losing their love/control. We are projecting our relationship with our parents onto everything we do, never having a true relationship, ever, all lies, meaningless and pointless = Evil. Isn't it mad that we think so little of ourselves but there is no other way as we have no idea who we truly are or what our potential could be as a true being because we are all so in fear of being hated for our truth but loved for the lie that we are, and of course the truth is we are not loved but controlled and groomed to be our parents, what a waste of the fragment given to us from our true Parents.
I have always been very Empathetic with the feelings of others to the point of feeling the annihilation they are going through but I have spent such a huge time trying to deny those feelings and find something to distract my self from feeling as I would do with my own feelings of annihilation, until I began to listen to the voice inside telling me to "stop being Lazy" this message was constant and I knew what it meant so I began working with my feelings instead of avoiding them, writing down every little feeling and it relieved so much pain. I would even feel the deepest pain and sorrow for the worst and most Evil criminals on the planet, I felt their pain and never gave up on them that there was still hope and all a part of the plan for them to experience as well as their victims. As a kid I would cry for the people committing these awful crimes, I couldn't feel hate for them and I felt guilty for feeling love for them when I was told not to as they had done awful things, but I still felt I had to love them, as I felt I had to love my parents even though I felt they were doing a bad thing by not giving me the love I needed but they didn't know they were being bad either, it was how they were taught, we are all children.
Everything you have wrote I understand and would not take it at all personally, I know it is for all of us to bring forward the deep hidden feelings in each other and see how we are still being our parents but chipping away at that false imposter bit by bit. I know that every one that is in my life is to help me heal and bring up all of my repressed feelings and falseness helping me to reveal my truth. I know that I and others that join the Forum will be here for each other and bring up feelings within us that will help us get to our truth, bringing all of our Evilness to light. We are all our parents and that is what we project onto each other and God in all of our Evilness, but its not personal.
I just spent a few minutes with my eyes shut asking My Mother and Father to help me reveal the truth with why I wanted to put you at ease and it all became so clear.
I wanted to do to you what had always been done to me by my parents, stop me from feeling. I now understand in all my Evilness I wanted to do this to you, to put you at ease and stop you feeling any pain that you may experience from my disconnection. My parents would try to stop me feeling any pain by telling me it will all be ok, it doesn't matter, your thinking to much, don't take it all to heart and so much more or I would be given a distraction like food, a sweet, a toy of put the TV on, they would do anything they could to stop me experiencing any feelings and discovering why I may feel this way for myself, it was all taken away by decoys and distractions. I wanted to tell you that my internet disconnection was nothing to do with anything said or done on the forum, which of course it wasn't, but that would have stopped us from two weeks of incredible healing that the Mother and Father wanted for us to be revealed. I have seen more of my Evilness come to light by wanting to ease the pain you may be feeling instead of letting you experience the truth of your feelings and me mine, me being my parents and how they taught me to be controlling by not letting you feel, reveal and heal, I truly understand.
Yes, yes, YES!, just perfect. Good, so good, that’s what Marion helped me to see that I was always doing to her, and I could feel it when you said that, that you were trying to stop me having my feelings, interfering with me, but I hoped you’d see it for yourself, which you have done. And you seeing it for yourself validates that my feelings how I was feeling them were correct, and that it’s the first time for me - within myself, that I’ve been able to stand up and feel protective of my own feelings; that I do want to have them, even the bad ones, they are mine, they are me, and no one else has to right to interfere - mum, dad and Gran - and tell me I can’t have them. Marion would stand up to me saying, No!, you’re trying to control me, trying to stop me having my bad feelings, that you are wrong and evil in doing so, right from the very beginning of our relationship, and I could see it all when she’d point it out, but no way did I have any feeling-relationship with what she was saying. Not until now, seventeen years of working on myself with her; and I can see I have changed so much, my healing IS working, I am becoming more normal, able to have my own feelings and feel when something not right is being done to me. And even being able to work it through with you Sam, not projecting it onto you, but you seeing it for yourself, so seeing that such things can be done through this impersonal long-distance medium when we’re not with each other interacting in person on a daily basis. It shows me the principles hold true, it’s the truth of relationships and feeling interaction, and although of course other people being more feeling aware and feeling expressive do it all the time, for me, who has been all but feeling-dead, to feel myself coming alive in it, and finally able to feel what Marion felt and was on about for all these years... I want to jump with joy - IT WORKS!
I was toying with writing an example of Marion telling me how I was trying to control her by taking her over and telling her she can’t feel how she does, hoping you’d see the message in it; and then I thought about just being straight and forthright with you as Marion is with me, and saying, hey, you saying that is not allowing me to have my feelings, so don’t do that, that’s not right, and why do you want to do it to me - just fight you off as she has had to do with me so much. But then I felt it’s not my place - possibly because I still lack confidence in coming straight out with it; but now with hindsight because of the experience you’ve had, I feel so much better about taking the gentler route as I did in just asking you a few prompting and leading questions hoping you’d see it for yourself, which you did! And after all, it’s so much better that you find the truth for yourself from your own feelings, and without me telling you how to do it; which had I, then I’d have been doing to you what I would have been accusing you of doing to me. Oh yes, I feel so pleased, because the other person has nothing to do with me, it’s for them how they are and how they feel, and whether or not they want to uncover the truth of themselves through their own feelings. And that’s what my whole problem is, how I’ve been with Marion, trying to take over and prevent her from feeling her feelings and so stopping her from uncovering the truth of herself through them - as my parents did to me. And one can’t be more evil than that. To stop another person from being themselves to uncover the truth of their soul through their feelings - I shudder to think how horrendous that is. And yes that is how I am. And as that is what was done to me - no wonder I’m such a write-off and hopeless case, pathetically trying to make everyone be as I want them to be - to be as feeling-dead. And all because I’ve been made to be scared of all feelings, and particularly bad feelings - and mostly of my own. So I’ve been made to be terrified of myself - it’s all so fucked. Who do I fear the most in the world? It used to be mum and dad, that took a long to time to accept, but now... it’s myself. I’m the Great Satan evil monster to myself - and the Great Evil Ones, are my own bloody feelings! My feelings are the devils, the ‘fallen angels’, Satan’s minions. Yes, so all of what we project onto Satan and the Devil is really our being made to fear ourselves - our own feelings. Which shows how much in denial of our feelings we are, and which I must thank you Sam, as this is only just coming to mind now.
Later having read your posts again... And what you’ve demonstrated is the very opposite to what your parents did to you with their control, you’ve been unconditional in your love, allowing me to have my pain and feelings, something I am still working on to allow myself to do with others - Marion. And yes, throughout the two weeks without you there were a lot of other things that came up because of your absence, all of which upon expressing and uncovering the truth of have moved to where I now am and what’s coming up within me - it’s been yet another big day. So it’s all wonderful isn’t it, how it all goes hand in hand, which our lives would have naturally been, with us all helping each other grow in truth through our feelings, had we been allowed to have and express them freely.
Another thing I greatly admire you for Sam is your willingness to see and accept yourself as being evil. When did you first start to do this, and how did it come about? Marion had to chip away at me for years for me to dare to begin to face it on a feeling level. Intellectually I worked it out, it being a logical conclusion ones must come to in thinking about such things, but it still took a long time to fully accept it about myself through my feelings as I said. And it sure was a relief when I did, no longer having to put on the pretence that I was not evil. I reckon it will be a big barrier for a lot of people to take that step.
And I if you wouldn’t mind, you said: “...until I began to listen to the voice inside telling me to "stop being Lazy" this message was constant and I knew what it meant so I began working with my feelings instead of avoiding them...”, so how did you know what it meant to stop being lazy, as in, how long have you known you were avoiding facing and accepting your feelings? And was that one of the things your parents would say to you, to stop being lazy?
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
And it's so good hearing you and Wes say Mother and Father. You Sam saying you asked 'My Mother and Father', it sounds so natural, it certainly gives me good feelings reading it, and with the emphasis on 'My'. So - of course - God is our Father and Mother. How could God be just one parent, especially when the Mother and Father have given us two physical parents 'in Their image'. Is God being only one parent reflective of people's broken marriages and unloving parental relationships?
And it couldn't be more personal: my Mother and Father, making you feel all the good feelings about being Their child and being loved by Them. Provided you feel They are loving Parents.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Hello James, I suffered terribly with thoughts of Evilness from such an early age in my life, my mind was Evil and the thoughts were trying to end my life, I felt controlled by Evil at the thoughts that would flow through my mind so my Evilness came to be very much a part of who I was. I tried to work with my feelings on this so many times but I couldn't get through my minds control, I just hit the wall. I was so young and so scared to face the evil I felt and just felt in pain all the time pretending to be a good, nice person when my mind was full of horror, keeping up the pretence of the false self. I could feel myself actually trying to be normal and it was so hard to keep it up. I was so scared of being alone with myself and my thoughts. I couldn't tell anyone about the depths of horror I was seeing in my mind and feeling in my soul, I felt like I had been born, but not ready for this life, the world was to painful for me to cope with what was happening in it. I just wanted to not be living in the Hell I felt inside myself. I thought to feel this Evilness inside me I must be insane and as a young girl I dreaded waking up every day but for the first second on waking I would feel ok but then my mind took control again and I was born into the furthest place away from love, the word Evil has never been a big deal as I felt like it most of the time and every day was a struggle to keep up the pretence of seeming normal to others around me, I was a Lie and no words begin to touch on the pain my mind created all because of the loss of my Will, to be who I was created to be by my parents, I feared myself, I feared the unknown Me, The unknown me was the to scary and to much of a threat to my false self, I could not live without my controllers controlling me, I grew into a being of full denial of her truth, living to please and obey whoever was giving me commands, I was totally lost, Evil.
For a long time I didn't quite understand why I was hearing "Don't be lazy" but on a deeper lever I did, I felt I did know what was meant by it but I couldn't access it, I couldn't go deep enough to find what the command meant. I would write down all my feelings and fears but just stop, like my mind was saying to me not to go any deeper, or else. My mind was my God and I obeyed it fully, it being created by my Gods, my mother and father(physical parents)It was telling me not to over-ride them and find out any truth other than what I was told by them. Every time I denied myself finding the truth I would hear those words, every time I would take a anti-depressant, I would hear those words, Every time I would be climbing the walls with panic and fear attacks doing all I could to avoid feeling so terrified, I would hear those words "Stop being Lazy" as though my soul knew I needed to do none of that avoidance, but to delve into the feelings that terrified me so much, my healing was in those terrifying feelings of annihilation and terror, I was doing all I could to avoid facing them and taking the quick way out with Pills. I have spent so many years trying to work with my feelings and only getting so far before my mind puts up the wall and says "don't do it your way, do it mine", that being the way I was taught, their way not mine, always being so frustrated not to be able to reach the core, my truth but knowing, as I got older, all my answers were inside me and I began to break through. I have spent most of my life since about 15 asking Mary and Jesus to show me the way, They were all I had and for so many years I spent time desperate to learn more about Mary Magdalene as I felt so strongly that she had something incredible for me to know and that being the healing through our feelings, the very things my mind wanted to keep me from, it all makes so much sense to me now how the mind began to loose its strength over me the more I went into my feelings, then I found your work James, I was looking on the computer for more information about Mary's healings as nothing I had found felt right to me until I saw your piece and I lit up inside, I knew it felt right to me and still does. And the Relief I felt when I saw you use the word Evil, well, it felt like coming out, a release of being able to accept myself, be true to myself and express all of my Evilness, it was so freeing to admit my Evilness, my Denial and my rebellion of myself and My Mother and Father, no more pretending but just working towards my absoulute truth.