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Post by James on Jul 18, 2017 21:04:05 GMT 10
Since being sick it’s becoming increasingly clear to Marion and myself that through our Healing we are to work ourselves back into becoming as we were during our childhood. That we are to be the truth of our unloving state back then, which is the truth of how we’ve always been, yet have refused to see, accept and so fully acknowledge it. And I know I’ve written about this, but that was the theory, and now we’re living it, so I’m writing to confirm it.
So I feel like I’m in some ways at home, just as I remember feeling when I was young, and able to express those feelings to Marion and receive her feedback, which helps me further understand that which I didn’t understand back then.
So I know it’s true, that we are through our Healing, to become the untruth that we already are, so by that I mean, to become true to our untruth, so we know it completely because we feel it to be true, and we’re no longer fighting against ourselves not wanting ourselves to be it.
So as I continue to feel just how hurt and devastated, unloved and uncared about I felt throughout my early life, so I know, as I can feel, it all to be true. I am no longer deluding myself that it wasn’t as I feel it to be, so I can just be the poor sad me who feels completely dun in by my unloving parents and grandparents.
So I sit on the couch feeling as bad as I’ve always felt, knowing this is how it’s always been for me, it all now making sense. And it really does, it’s incredible how it’s all come together. So I’m just trying to be the untrue me that I am, with Marion keeping on bringing to light more of my wrongness, and my accepting it and cleaning up the loose ends as to understanding how I came to be as I am - all that constitutes me being the unloving me that I am, and all because I wasn’t loved.
And what happens from here? The theory being that once we’ve seen the truth of our untruth through our feelings then we no longer need to be in our unloving state and can become true... So I am waiting to see if this is borne out next. I do hope so; however, as sick and tired as I am feeling, always so down and fucked, it’s not so bad now, now that physically I’m more stable and nothing too bad is hurting me, being more content to be in my misery, fear, anger and pain, and just feel how it feels to be what I’ve always been.
Another think I want to add, more for interest as another odd thing that has happened to me through my Healing, which I’ve forgotten to mention, is for the last three or four months during the night and more towards morning, I have felt like I’ve a dark back hole in the side of my hips, and it has been excruciatingly painful. The ‘hole’, for it’s again one of those etheric visions in my mind (although the area does hurt and ache through the day), is about two to three cms in diameter, and moves, by which I mean, it will be one night in one hip, or both, or half way down a leg or in all three places; and I wake up in such pain at times that I have to get up, which does relieve it, or roll over which can also make it go away; yet no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get into it and bring it out in my mind whilst lying there feeling it. So I’ve been just accepting it, moving to think these past days that really it’s the hurt I have felt from being treated so unlovingly during my early life. And so that’s how I am with it now, accepting that it’s my deep pain, all the hurt that I have blocked out, which I can feel during the night when I am the most alone.
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Post by James on Jul 22, 2017 21:16:35 GMT 10
I’m still sick, with pains coming and going in my chest. I’ve not been back to the doctor and don’t intend to, unless I am forced to.
Each day having had dreams that end with a lot of fear, waking me up so I can see that I’ve also got an acid burning feeling in my stomach, which settles once I’ve gone to the toilet and had a drink of water, together with my ongoing nightly ‘holes’ in my hips and legs and all the pain they bring up, I work through some specific feeling about myself and my being with mum and dad.
Today it was feeling miserable again, being forced down into it and hearing mum yelling at me how much she hates having me, how much she wishes I didn’t exist, would just go away, and how I have to keep out of her sight, how she’s fed up with the sight of me, doesn’t want to have anything further to do with me, all of which makes me feel like crying and I hurk out the misery. And yesterday I felt all day how much of a broken heart I had. How they broke it, how they didn’t love me and how scared and miserable I feel. And the day before it was how hurt I feel, hurt to the core of my being, how sad I feel about not feeling loved and how hurt and damaged I am. And the day before it was how sad I feel for myself not feeling loved, how sorry for myself that I missed out, that I never got a go at it, that they didn’t care about me, didn’t want me, didn’t put in and think about me in terms of how can they make me feel good about myself and my life - nothing, just how vacant it all was. And the day before that, how empty I feel, so alone, so unloved, so uncared about, all my usual bad feelings that I’ve felt time and time again through my Healing years, but now with all these bad feelings coming from the low point in my illness with mum bashing my head into the table and hitting my face and nearly strangling me. And the day before that how ill I felt all through my life, just as I have been feeling, and yet how much I managed to cover it up, sitting above it with an ‘I’m all right, I don’t need anything’ attitude and belief, which came from them because they didn’t want to acknowledge that I wasn’t right and did need help. And when I am not all right and need lots of things - such as love.
And I’ve been able to look back over my Healing years and see how I’ve spent a long time in each level of myself, slowly being worked back deeper and deeper into myself. And now thanks to being sick I feel I am some sort of bottom, hopefully, and I’d love to think it was THE bottom, more fully in touch with all I have been though, how I changed myself into being how they wanted me be, all of which resulted in me being an all but dead person, feeling-dead, like a ghost just wafting about.
And yet each day as bad as I’ve felt I’ve also felt better within myself. It’s such an odd feeling, like my emotional state and physical body are separate to my spirit, and in myself, in my spirit, I’m feeling better for it all, enjoying the release of these long repressed feelings, and yet dreading getting physically worse, dreading I will never get better, so scared that nothing will end and I’ll only go back to where I was when I was sick, or worse with such a painful head and such overwhelming misery, feeling shut down and closed out. And I can see and feel how much I am changing, for thankfully my changing has gone into overdrive. Having had no idea how much one can change, and must change, so I’m feeling so much better about that too. I’m being as Marion has said I should be in some ways, which I’ve wanted to change for years now, and I can see it’s happening and that’s making me feel really good; but still I want all the big changes, the really big ones, and to end my negative state, to come out and be the true and perfect person I can sense now within me. So my illness has turned out to certainly be some sort of turning point. It’s helped me get in touch with my true unloved self, I can feel myself now being unloved from conception right the way through my life, seeing how it all ties together, explaining all I’ve been through, and helping me to see all the feelings I did feel but shut out all the way along. Now they are ‘alive’ in me, I am feeling them all, and so I know all my Healing has been true, and I know it’s all true what I’m seeing and have seen about myself. And I even look forward to feeling bad still and working through more of my misery and fear, that is, so long as it doesn’t get too bad, for then I have no tolerance for feeling such pain, I can’t bear it because I have no love and no tolerance for anything, just as they had no love or tolerance for me.
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Post by James on Aug 8, 2017 21:27:27 GMT 10
Everything Marion’s parents did was to stop her feeling loved, so she couldn’t use sex, drugs, alcohol or have a close relationship, it was all chopped so she couldn’t have any love from anyone on the world, yet that was all false love. So today she feels extremely happy that she wasn’t allowed to fall for the false love. That she was kept away from any of the worlds so-called love, now with only the Father (and Mother) to feel loved by and to love. So once again her parents did her a favour by preventing her having a ‘normal’ loving life, keeping away from the falseness so she couldn’t be part of it. She tried her hardest to be part of it, but never could, now feel happy about, and wanting to more so by the say, go the other way moving away from the world and all it’s wrongness. So moving deeper within herself, staying true to her feelings and not trying to be part of the world because she feels she doesn’t want to be part of it, because it’s all wrong and nothing about it makes her feel good.
Marion also said today Sam, how you’ve obviously been able to speak and express yourself to people, so you don’t need anyone to talk your feelings out to through your Healing being able to so readily talk with the Mother and Father. Whereas because she and I didn’t have anyone in our life we could talk to, so didn’t converse or share anything of ourselves and what we felt, we need each other now to constantly speak it all out to. So again this is helping me to modify my understanding of what’s needed in our Healing, we will get what we need, you had people do need to do it now by yourself, we didn’t have people do need to have each other to do it. So I can’t generalise about how it will be for people, I’ve just got to wait and see.
Also, this evening I suddenly felt how my body hates me (this being something Marion has said of hers having felt it all her life.) It of itself doesn’t hate me, as it’s not a conscious entity, but that’s the feeling I get from it. That I’m trapped in it, this rotten nasty thing that only hurts me and makes me feel scared with all the pains, it hates me. And I could see that I’ve believed that my body liked and even loved me, even though it’s been hard doing most things with it all my life. And like it was even my ‘friend’, there for me, giving me the comfort of biting my nails, the sexual thrills with sex and waking, being relatively healthy, enjoying food, and yet it was all a lie, it was really their agent, and they turned it against me, the sucked me into believing it was on my side, when now I feel the truth that it’s fighting against me, as they used it and turned it against me, just as they’ve done with my mind, so it’s my unloving mind that hates me, that’s in control of my body. Me, the spirit, I am is imprisoned in this shit body, I’m caged in, trapped, and I want out! I feel so unloved, hated by it, by them, by everyone.
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Post by James on Oct 1, 2017 21:02:57 GMT 10
Being dragged through the misery swamp
Since my illness of a couple of months ago I have been assailed repeatedly by waves of misery and fear. Over my Healing years I’ve brought so much out, felt so much misery and been scared of just about everything and so many things I had no idea even scared me. But these last three weeks, that has all paled into all but insignificance, as I’ve been flooded with intense unrelenting fear and misery.
And as a consequence, I can now sort of understand what someone who commits suicide might feel, how there is no escape from the continual feelings of persecution. To feel so devastated, day in and day out, hunted and haunted by such intense feeling-pain, and with no way to end it, no way to step away from it, it continually bearing down hard upon you making you feel like you’re being crushed out of existence.
And I can also image something of what it might be like to have and die of a disease like cancer. My chest fills up with misery, I express it out of me, sometimes using words, hurking it out other times, and I get a bit of relief, yet only to feel it filling up again some hours later. All being caused by being scared of everything. Everything I do, every movement, every word I say or want to say, every look, any interaction - all fear, so scared of being punished and crunched. And my chest aches and I feel very sick, like I am dying, the life being crushed and ‘eaten’ out of me. And my bones hurt, particularly my left hip area. In my mind is my grandfather and how he died from lung cancer, and my father - bone cancer, and I imagine something of the sort of misery that might have been locked away inside them causing such illness and eventual death.
I feel slaughtered by the misery, it’s too strong, I can’t do anything, I don’t want to do anything, I can hardly do what I have to do. I feel so crushed, so unloved and so alone. I am a baby and left, not cared about, not wanted, not loved and cherished. I was fed, clothed and physically attended to, enough to keep my physical needs satisfied, but left completely emotionally separated and unnourished. I didn’t connect, interact in a feeling loving way, just learnt how to sort of protect myself from the pain of my own misery and fear of being so unloved by walling off my bad feelings, banishing them as I was banished. I was put over there out of the way so I wouldn’t annoy anyone, so that’s what I’ve done with my feelings. My feelings are too annoying, only causing everyone and myself problems, so block them out and pretend I don’t have them.
I had no idea that I could have so much misery and fear in me. And I can see that I’ve had to build my way into accepting it and allowing myself to feel the full depths of it slowly over all these Healing years. To feel it all full-on at the beginning of my Healing would have caused me more trauma, and I’d have rejected the whole idea of doing my Healing, so I’ve had to slowly work my way into it. Which is all part of my negative pattern.
And as I’ve felt my misery welling up in me, I wonder out loud: Where is it all coming from? I can’t relate directly to something mum or dad did that would have made me feel so much of it and feel it so intensely. And yet I now know this is how I felt all the time just being with them. They didn’t have to do anything else other than just be themselves - breathe. And because I didn’t know anything else, I got used to it, and then my mind rationalised it away saying I was okay.
So I feel like I’m still in the womb feeding on misery, growing my cells and bones and emotional systems in fear, and why it doesn’t just kill me I have no idea, other than God didn’t want me dead. And it’s making me think that I can even relate to those Eastern gurus and sages that say they are taking on some of the karma and pain of the world or of another person by feeling sick or bad themselves, that they are working through it for the good of the world or for the love of humanity, using their higher vibration to convert the lower level pain into a higher level of love. But I think that’s all misguided mind stuff. I think it’s just that they feel so bad, so many bad feelings and so intensely, and because they can’t relate to it all coming from their early life and relationship with their parents, so they believe it’s some sort of extra karma they are working through. I could say the same thing about my misery and fear these past weeks, it’s not coming from my childhood misery, it must be coming from someone or somewhere else, even from mind spirits trying to get rid of their pain by dumping it on me, because I don’t remember it being so bad for me when I was young. However that is exactly what my feelings are showing me: that IT WAS THAT BAD - AND FAR WORSE THAN I THOUGHT OR HAD ANY IDEA ABOUT.
And how bad does feeling unloved make you feel? You were unloved by your parents - so how bad did that make you feel? And we can’t know, as we were not feeling-aware enough back them to know, but now we can. And I can see that the more feeling aware I become through my Healing, the more experienced I become with my feelings, so the deeper I can go into them understanding the truth of how it really was for me.
And for me it’s been this gradual waking up to the real pain and depth of my bad feelings. Whereas, as I’ve said before, for Marion she knew how bad she felt, has always known and has always felt the depths of her despair, even to the point of trying to end it all a couple of times. But I had no idea; and I look at her and think: shit, if how I am feeling now, so, so, desperately miserable, scared, unhappy and unloved, so alone, is how she’s always felt, then god it’s amazing she didn’t keep trying to kill herself every day, the pain being too unbearable. So I feel for those poor people who are trapped in such intense bad feelings unable to do anything about them, not knowing that expressing them whilst seeking their truth is the way to eventually ease that pain and truly end all their suffering and madness.
I don’t know that I’ll be posting much more on the forum, not unless other people want specific help. I feel too bad to write, and it’s too deep - how can I write the intensity of the misery, fear and unhappiness I feel? My Healing is now becoming intensely private, it’s just want I am, it’s going beyond being something I am ‘doing’. I am just living true to my pain as its expressed by all my bad feelings, wanting to know the truth of all I am feeling. That is me, this is me, it’s what I am, it’s my life, and there isn’t anything else.
And to say that I am so fed up with it all, so much wishing it would end and I could feel happy and loved, is hardly worth spending the energy on typing, because there is no respite, it’s relentless, merciless, with only a break coming as the truth comes clearing the pain and anguish for a moment, only to start again with more misery and fear.
And all the while I am seeing how it’s me, it’s all I am, all I have been, all that happened to me, all how it was for me right from the beginning - and that it’s never changed. There is nothing else, just my pattern, which is me. I am my unloving state, and now I’m uncovering the truth of it through my feelings. And I will keep going because I can’t do anything else. It’s gone on too long grinding all hope of it ever ending, out of me. I am just it, it is me, I am my Healing, the word Healing no longer even being relevant, it no longer being a process I’m going through that I’m hoping will end one day. It’s just one feeling after another, a compounding of bad feelings until I can express them out of me, by talking, writing, hurking, yelling, moaning, whatever, all with Marion saying what it makes her feel. It’s almost surreal; yet it’s too real. I can’t connect with the outside world anymore, I go to the Bush Bank and everyone is the same, nothing much having happened in their week, and yet in my week I have been dragged through a swamp of bad feelings about ten times, been up here and down there on the perpetual feeling-rollacoaster ride, have seen so many things about myself, and even about them; and have changed so much that I am a whole different person to what I was last week. I am no longer that James they knew back then, I’m a different James. And yet I can’t convey any of it to them, I just smile and pretend nothing much has happened to me either, and wonder when I will be released from the madness of it all.
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Post by James on Oct 10, 2017 16:29:08 GMT 10
Some bits I’ve been feeling lately...
Feeling slaughtered I was sitting forward resting my arm on my knee. I felt the seam of my shirt uncomfortably pushing into my knee. I moved my arm to ease the pressure and suddenly felt a stabbing pain as if a wasp had stung me. I feel slaughtered, hurt to the core of my being, I want to cry, I am crying deep inside, it’s all too much, I can’t cope, can’t go on, don’t want to be here. I feel too unloved, slaughtered, no one likes me, I’m only hated, it’s too horrible to keep going; and what’s the point when everyone is against me and all they do it tell me off, criticise and punish me. I’m only small, and feeling devastated, crushed, crippled with the pain, really such a small pain, and yet it has hurt me to the core, and so much that I am all but wiped from existence. I remember bees and wasps stinging me, I want to cry with the pain, with this creature venting its hatred of me, when I didn’t mean to do what I did to get stung - I wasn’t intending to hurt it. I am fucked, screaming with the pain of feeling so unwanted and uncared about. It’s too much, too overwhelming, I don’t know what to do or how to be. And I feel so scared, and like my left side has suddenly caved in. What is going to happen to me, I can’t even bear such a tiny pain, any pain slaughters me, I have no resistance, no ability to cope. And God doesn’t care, God doesn’t like me, no one does because all these painfully bad things keep happening to me. I wish I could end, just cease to be, no more pain, no more feeling so unloved. I can’t write how bad I feel, it’s too much, I want to crawl up and hide somewhere, but what good will that do, they’ll still find me, drag me out and make me keep going; but what for, what’s the point, I don’t want to keep going. I used to want to because I feared I’d miss out on something, they always said and promised the good things, but now I’ve given that up too, there is never a good thing, what could be so good to take my feeling slaughtered away? Nothing good, only bad. Marion said I have to accept it, I try, yet I don’t want to. Secretly I hope it will end and be over and then I might feel good, but when, and when never comes, and so I’m giving up the future hope too. I am to accept that I am a useless nothing who cries his eyes out because the nasty bee stung him - that’s me. The bee doesn’t care about me - they don’t care about me, dad just laughs, it’s not fair, what’s so funny, I’m dying, and no one cares.
Marion is so accepting that she doesn’t know anything, it’s just what she feels. I am resisting such feelings by pretending I know what it’s all about. I think I know how it should be, I’ve always got the brakes on, I can’t let go and be taken along. I think my pain should be easy now this far into my Healing, instead of getting worse. And there I go again thinking I know how it should be. Marion thinks her pain should just be there until it’s not, or if anything, keep getting worse. She doesn’t condition her Healing using her mind. And lately she’s feeling surprised that she doesn’t feel as much pain as she used to. I think, well it’s about dam time she doesn’t after all the pain-expressing she’s done, shit it surely must come to an end at some point! I can’t see it, yet I hope, we’re not to live in pain for all eternity. There’s surely got to be an end to our Healing. Marion doesn’t care either way, as she says there’s nothing she can do about it, the pain is there or it’s not, and if is, then she expresses it, that’s all there is to do about it.
Marion says she doesn’t have to actually work at expressing her good or bad feelings anymore like she used to. She just acknowledges that’s how she feels in her mind and that is enough, mostly the bad feeling goes away. She says over the years she’s expressed it all, has articulated all she’s felt, seen what it’s all about, and now if any new truth comes it does and without her having to work at expressing her feelings. She’s broken through all her blocks and barriers to her self-expression, so now much of what she had to express outwardly, she can do within. I still have to work hard at expressing by feelings because of the entanglement of my mind against my feelings. Marion has to just realise what she’s feeling in her mind, she no longer feels she needs to bring them all out. Only the stronger more urgent feelings that demand to be expressed, she expresses.
Every pain is locked up unexpressed feeling - a past one (repressed), or present.
My mind kills my feeling expression.
Marion’s conflict between looking good and feeling good is ending. Her parents were all about her looking good and not how she felt. It’s been a big struggle and now she feels its ending with her caring more about how she feels than how she actually looks. She puts her clothes on, snips a bit of hair, and it feels good. She hardly looks in the mirror anymore, whereas she’d look first and then snip.
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Post by James on Oct 21, 2017 20:39:38 GMT 10
Turning a corner? I wish.
As of yesterday I feel something has changed for me in my healing, this about the future, yet also as if some deep bottom line foundation has now been installed in me, whereas since my bronchitis I’ve been feeling like I have no foundation, that there is no bottom or safety net under me making me feel intensely scared all the time. But yesterday I suddenly felt I understood where all my problems stem from in one sense, that being that I’m a retarded one and half year old, not a one and half year old like Marion and most other people were, and stuck back there, but only like half a one and half year old, with half of me back then not being allowed to function normally, and then in that fucked up state I’ve remained, turning into a distorted scared messed up adult who’s really still just half a one and a half year old pretending to be 56 - fucked! So I’ve been seeing how all my problems, all my behaviour, all my needs, all my fears and worries, all come from this time and how fucked up I am in it. And this truth has somehow cheered me, I’ve felt better for seeing it, now having a place back in my early life that I can readily connect with, that I can feel, which explains so much of me and why I have the problems I have. So from that point of view, I feel like I’ve turned the corner somehow, so I too am ready to move on to the next stage, that being presumably, my finally being able to grow up and shed my retardation, this being what I’ve longed to see for years believing that once I could work myself back into seeing where my main problems stem from, once I’ve seen the truth, then I might be able to move on and be set free. So fingers bloody crossed that what I feel is true and I do finally start to move on.
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Post by James on Nov 3, 2017 21:14:44 GMT 10
I find it so difficult to feel hurt, to fall in a heap and feel miserable, wounded, hurt and even cry. Being a boy I grew up being told I was not to cry, that is for girls and you don’t want to be a cissy cry baby do you! All that sort of rubbish, which means I’m quick to attack rather than take the hit. I want to fend off rejection with anger, blaming the other person and not myself. I’m a man who was taught to blame the other person, they are always wrong and stupid and I am not, just as my mother and grandmother did, whereas Marion grew up being taught to blame herself like many women do, to feel hurt and cry. So she’s far truer to her feelings than I am - I’m wanting to push away and fight off any of my bad ones.
I had an appalling dream of dropping two stray black dogs over the rail high up to kill them, they being too annoying to deal with somehow coming into the apartment and I couldn’t make them go away. And it helped me get more in touch with my hatred, that I have that aggression in me when I can’t cope, I just want to wipe the bad annoying thing out of existence, it being how mum reacted all the time, wanting to wipe me out of existence. And by following Marion’s questioning, I could get underneath that hatred and repressed uncontrollable rage, seeing that it wasn’t me, it wasn’t actually part of me, I’m not actually like that, it’s all ONLY a result of how I was parented. And that truth was a relief, for although I know I was true and pure before subjecting myself to my mum and dad, still that was only understanding it with my mind. However now I know for sure, and that feels good, and I can even feel I can let go that anger and rage because it’s not really mine, it’s theirs, it’s a result of how they treated me, my wanting to hit back regaining the power I feel I’ve lost, just as they did.
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Post by James on Jan 4, 2018 21:36:43 GMT 10
My Healing has taken yet another turn with the new year. I seem to now have some will inexplicably from somewhere. These inner chances are so subtle, suddenly out of the blue I can perceive that I’m a little different, but I can’t feel how that came about, everything is so unrelated. It has come about because of twenty years of expressing the shit out of me, but fuck it all seems to be at a snails pace. So it’s a funny feeling, feeling like I have the power to do something, which I don’t know what, and can look back at my previous self and see I was so powerless; yet now with such power, I am able to also allow myself to feel even more how really powerless I am. As always, it’s all so mixed up and confusing. Overall, I’m still seeing the truth of myself, I know the basics of all that I am, but I’m just seeing it all deeper and deeper, and realising even more thoroughly just how extremely shocking it all is. I, we, are so fucked, fucked beyond belief. I had a glimpse into just how fucked the other day, I couldn’t hold it, I saw and felt the truth of it, and it was immensely more fucked that I’d seen so far. And then the little girl next door started crying because her older brother was being horrible to her by turning the music up when she didn’t want up, yelling at him for always being so horrible and irritating, and I could feel myself in both of them, and then understood a bit more: yes, it’s more shocking than we can know, because look at how fucked these two children are, and they are only half way through their childhood, and I’m all they are. I wrote this below, more of the theory, but it helping me see the difference of how we’re to live with our feelings verses our mind, and one is loving and the other unloving.
Living true to our feelings, means we’re connecting truly with the other person by sharing all we feel and think openly, with all the feeling we feel, giving of ourself, and in the hope that the other person willingly accepts us by listening, and we want them to give us the right feedback. And this sharing makes us feel good, the giving and receiving on the feelings level, as we respect ourselves and the other person, which is loving.
Compared to: being true to our minds, locked up in our mind domination and negative, unloving patterns consisting of feeling powerless and using our mind to regain such lost power. It all being a closed system, in which we’re really doing it all to ourselves. So in reality, although we might be sharing ourselves, or so we think and believe we are, even feeling like we love the other person and are acting lovingly, we’re not truly engaging with them through our true feelings. We’re doing it all for ourselves, with ourselves, and only using the other person as a prop or someone to possess in our quest for power-domination. And really the other person doesn’t even exist, so our interactions with them when analysed, are rejecting, unloving, keeping them at arms length, doing all we can not to engage, share, and connect directly with them. So all we are is a charade, it’s false, we’re pretending we’re with the other person, when really it’s all our own delusion, fantasy, and we’re self-consumed, wrapped up in our own being.
I’ve been praying to the Mother and Father to free me of my minds domination and my power-plays, feeling powerless in my attempts to gain power. To help me see the truth of my unloving disconnected state, how shut off I am from myself, from Marion, from other people, wrapped up in my own doings, really fighting whilst playing along with mum and Gran. They are my whole world, they I project onto everyone, it’s the negative patterns I lived with them that I am in and so slip into with other people, particularly when I start a relationship with them. I am then expecting the other person to play the role of mum and Gran, and I play my role with them.
And I want to be freed from it. I can’t do it myself, this much I’ve seen and I’m accepting. I can only keep expressing all the yuk parts and how bad they make me feel as I become more aware of my controlling ways and how they make me feel when I see my unloving effect on the other person.
I don’t want to be unloving anymore. I want to be loving, true and right, and not all wrapped up with myself, with me being the only important person in the world, and with everyone else just there for my own amusement or making me annoyed because they are not being as I think they should be.
I want to be open, unconditional and accepting, and willing to share myself, reaching out wanting to connect on the feeling level, sharing my feelings and wanting the other person to shares theirs, and taking responsibility for my feelings, thereby being wholly respectful of the other person, as I also respect myself.
I want to give up the control, my own minds control over my feelings and my feeling expression. I want to be true to my feelings and not bound up in my minds controlling patterns. I want to be loving. Please Mother and Father help me to see the full truth of my unloving, controlling mind patterns, all so I can one day be free of them.
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Post by James on Jan 6, 2018 12:23:47 GMT 10
Marion’s and my Healing is now coming down to the truth of our inability to truly interact and communicate with each other (have I said that before!!!) This is where we’re focused now. We are in the same boat as she says, yet are not facing each other, not truly connecting, not interacting with love. Neither of us can do it, we don’t feel it, the loving connection, as we never felt it as young children. So we’re accepting our unloving state more. I need her on the spiritual level, yet talk at her, I don’t reach out and connect, I don’t want her acknowledgement that I am wanting to unite with her. So I am constantly rejecting her, she being them who I hate and rejected, feeling so unloved and rejected by them. I never had open conversations with my family, I listen to other people and their children and no, I couldn’t say whatever I felt like saying to them without fear of reprisal and them shutting me down. And Marion knows how to respond and say the right things on a feeling level, yet she can’t connect with another person. She wants me or the other person to connect on the emotional level with her, but she doesn’t know how to get me to do this or anyone else as she can’t do it with another person. She can point out all my failings and rejection of her and she knows exactly what she wants in a relationship, feeling what being truly loving would be like, yet is closed off to having that with anyone. So we are in our relationship focusing on accepting our unloving and unable to communicate with each other states. She still amazes me how she brings it all out saying it how it is, the psychology of it all, how two people are meant to relate truly and loving together, and how we and other people we read about don’t do it. And still it’s all eye-opening for me, with none of it coming naturally to me. The bigger picture is always revealing itself to me, yet nothing on the personal, that all comes through her and is so difficult for me to accept about myself.
And as she says, she’s been aware of all her relationship and interaction and communication difficulties since she was a child, with her parents not allowing or being conversational, whereas for me I blocked it all out and it’s like constantly having my teeth pulled being forced to wake up to how disconnected I am.
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Post by James on Jan 20, 2018 20:11:21 GMT 10
An End Point
The last month has been hell - so what’s new. I’ve been so bored, so angry, so fucked off with everything, everyone and most of all - with myself. I’m am so tired of all my wrong beliefs and behaviours, I so much want them to be ‘transformed out of me’. I want them to go away, to end, to fuck off. I want to see the truth of them - all I need to see, so I no longer need to be them. I want to sort out my will in them, all so I can see what I’m doing to myself, and choose to no longer do it. I don’t want to be as I am! That being my cry for now over twenty years.
Then early this week after a dream and speaking about it with Marion, I felt like finally the connection opened up fully in me from me now right the way back through my life to my conception, with it the truth screaming that I WASN’T LOVED - I AM NOT LOVED. And I could then see that even though I’ve known this, it becoming more real and true over the years as I’ve progressed, still the other day felt like the defining moment when I KNEW. I knew once and for all that that was what these Healing years have all been about, getting to know and feel and connect with and see completely that truth. I know it because I feel it, and feel it with all my being. And I could also feel there is no longer anything from my mind standing in the way of this knowing, this truth. My mind stuff is still swirling around trying to assert itself, however it’s now like the corridor connecting myself now with myself at every time through my life to my self at conception, is permanently open and no mind-door can close it.
Then the next day after a very welcome visit from the Holy Spirit, so much anger, deep anger, all day and night, so so so much anger. Then the next day it cleared. And since then I do feel different, which is again one of those hard feelings to describe or define, however I feel like I reached some end point within myself, and possibly The End Point, as I’ve had other so-called end of some level points. And now I feel like should I die, fine, I’ve done on a personal level what I’ve needed to do, what my Healing has been about, with the left over legacies of it being fixed up if that’s what’s to happen to me, with time, and be it here on Earth or in spirit, I don’t care, because I know it will happen now, and knowing the truth of my unloved state is all I care about at the moment. Of course I want to be set free and completely Healing, and for the complete End of my Healing to be reached, however I feel that’s now happening and it’s only a matter of time.
And I’ve not felt like doing any writing. I feel like I’ve done more than enough, it all being writing I’ve needed to do for my Healing, as much as for anyone or anything else. So I’m having a break, all based on what I feel to do. And I can feel I will still write, but possibly for different reasons. I don’t know, and I don’t want to speculate, however I don’t think I’ll be doing much forum posting for a while.
Marion and I continue to feel better within ourselves, yet worse in some ways in our physical bodies. And will all our physical problems resolve themselves? - that is something I am waiting to see. I hope they will of course, however one can never know anything about what to expect with the Healing.
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Post by James on Jan 30, 2018 21:10:58 GMT 10
Feeling happier about the Bigger Picture
This morning I had a good experience. It’s nothing really knew, only confirming more surely how I already feel about things, however my understanding of the bigger picture came together even more as I expressed yet more anger and frustration out of me.
I now see that the mansion worlds are for us, or any humanity, to ascend as we uncover the truth of ourselves through our feelings. If we were born into perfect loving families, then our mansion world ascent would reveal to us the truth of such love, how perfect it all was and why. We’d come to understand the whole truth of Natural love perfection, understanding how it evolved being put in place from our very beginning at conception. And by the time we’d have finished working our way through the seven worlds, we’d be ready to move into the Celestial spheres embracing the Divine Love and moving to even higher levels of perfection, truth and the expression of such love.
We however, having been incarnated into no-love, the very opposite of truth and perfection, will use our mansion world experience, which I call our Healing, to uncover the whole truth of our unlovingness. So by the time we reach the Celestial spheres we completely understand the negative, what it’s like being conceived and then born into rejection, feeling unwanted, hated, feeling uncared about and totally disrespected - all the worst stuff, all how bad it feels to not feel loved. And within that, because some people did have a taste of some love, so they will have to reconcile that within their bad unloved feeling states, coming to understand just how true was this love, and was it not just something contrived by their mind, was it genuine, and it’s relationship with those parts of themselves that feel very bad and unloved. And then once one understands the whole truth of their unloving state, moving into the Celestial state will allow the Divine Love to work it’s full magic upon their soul, as they bring about and start living and uncovering the truth of their newfound love and truth perfection.
So to summarise, the mansion worlds are for us to fill in any gaps in our unloving state, which means, should we need to further evolve our mind’s control over ourselves, we can do that, and when that is done, begin our Healing in the Feeling worlds. And we are to also understand that we are living our mansion world existence simultaneously on Earth. So the level we reach through our physical lives we carry on in the mansion worlds. And if we finish our Healing before we die, then we live as a Celestial in flesh, moving into the appropriate Celestial sphere when we die, then to carry on our Celestial growth of truth.
Also on the personal level, having been told by the spirits years ago that Marion and I are soulmates, yet having been made to wonder if indeed that is true because as our Healing has progressed we’ve come to understand and accept that our relationship is not loving, at least not as one would think soulmate love would be, and that it seems like it’s even the opposite with us both fully acknowledging our unlovingness and how we don’t love ourselves or each other, suddenly it struck me this morning that in fact it is true, we are ‘soulmates’ only soulmates in our unlovingness. So we are perfectly suited to each other in how unloving we are, and even in how we hate each other when we feel we do. And in our perfect unlovingness toward each other, so we’ve been able to help each other come to terms with and understand the full realisation of what being untrue, false and unloving is all about. And all about in our early life relationships and in our relationship together as we do our Healing. And once we are Healed, as to whether or not we are true loving soulmates, remains to be seen, it possibly being part of the love we’ll be living. However that is still some way off, we’ve still got more truth to see, understand and accept about our unlovingness.
So today is one of the days, which I wish there were more of, when I feel more sure about it all, the whole Healing, everything I’ve written, and all I am doing in my own spiritual life.
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Post by James on Mar 31, 2018 18:40:32 GMT 10
What’s happening in my Healing?
I’m moving slowly deeper and closer to the truth of my whole unloving state, but what do I mean by that? It’s being shown to me, seeing it in what I say and do and with Marion’s comments on what I say and do, such things as for example: Why am I so scared of everything? And through my feelings feeling I am scared of mum and yet at the same time she’s made me be more scared of everyone else. So how did she do that - that which I’m waiting to have revealed to me. And in the meantime, I am trying to express all the fear and anger and confusion that comes up in me to do with this. And realising more fully, deeper, more personally, that I am shit-scared of another person, and not just mum, but anyone. When I’m alone in nature I feel relatively at peace, as soon as I see someone else I want to hide until they go away. At home with Marion I’m shit scared of her, so feeling connected with that fear. If I write to her, like send an email, I’m not so scared, but as soon as I have to speak, engage, try to say what I want to say, connect, then up comes the fear and I feel like she is going to take me over, shut me up, stop me saying what I want to say, generally interfere with me, all making me feel like I’m being shut out, rejected, blanked out so not existing, and it’s very scary, because what happens if I am cut loose once and for all and she (mum) completely rejects me and doesn’t ever want me - how do I survive? So I’m dealing with those deep dreaded feelings and at the same time realising that I am not just dependent on mum, that other people are not and weren’t as scary as she said they were and as she’s made me believe. And that in fact they are far less scary, even loving, compared to her. So in her womb she terrified me somehow and at the same time made me believe I can’t live without her, that no one else will love me, that she is my saviour and I can’t exist without her. She gives me life, and it’s up to her as to whether she keeps allowing me to have it, and so long as I’m a good boy, she will keep the life flowing, but if I’m not... And so I live in perpetual anxiety that something I do is going to make her cut the connection and then I’m fucked, them I am even more scared and I don’t really know what would be the worst thing that could happen - possibly it’s death, or not existing, yet how was I made so afraid of those things in the womb and once born - did she actually nearly snuff me out in the womb, and possibly on many occasions, she ‘rescuing’ me somehow bringing me back from the brink. My two older brothers died in the womb, but I got through, and why, how did she change to make me survive? She rejected them, she rejects me yet at the same time she keeps me glued to her and wouldn’t let me die - and does she have such power, is that how it really is, what do my feelings say, which is what I’m still waiting to understand. So I’m accepting that I am so scared of Marion (who is mum) that I can’t open out and connect with her, that I’m doing all I can to reject her and stop her threatening me, as every time she speaks or I start and she responds, then I am sunk, she’s taken over, she fills the room and I cease to exist, just as it was with mum and my grandmothers. My body has little problems coming and going all keeping the pressure on me. None of them as yet have pushed me too far as in needing help from outside as I don’t want such help unless I am desperate, but still I feel trapped within it, within my pain and bad feelings, that my whole life is ONE BAD FEELING and that’s how it’s always been although I’ve pretended otherwise. When you only know bad, so you block if off if you’re allowed to or forced to, pretending you feel okay. I was able to block it out, Marion wasn’t, and we’re seeing more how different we are and yet the same truths are coming to light through our differences. I feel trapped in my yuk, powerless to do anything to change myself, more trapped and more powerless every day, for months now, and still every day my feelings are leading me deeper into seeing this truth and letting me feel it - helping me accept, as hard as it is to do: THIS IS ME, IT’S HOW I AM, AND I NO LONGER WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM IT. And it’s all breaking down my impersonalness, breaking me out of it as I feel so disconnected from myself. So I guess I’ve not said anything more than what I’ve said before, however it’s all very intense and specific and beyond by ability to write about it. And still my desire to write about my own Healing and self is waning, so my posts on the forum have become less. Yet overall I am feeling infinitely better within myself as I accept how fucked I am. My bad misery is no longer present, I have deep anger coming up and still fear, and yet the fear is no longer as strong as it was or lasts as long. And I am feeling better about myself, seeing my problems and how I can’t communicate or connect properly. Work at the Bush Bank has changed completely into being enjoyable with the change of management, all the complete opposite of how it was. And so much so I can’t believe it still. It couldn’t be more different, the new manager being so the opposite to the last, wanting me to come out and express myself, rather than shutting me out not wanting me to even be there. And I can feel myself changing, ‘transforming’ like it says will happen in the Padgett Messages. The Holy Spirit comes and affects me on all levels for weeks afterward, as I work through deeper stuff, seeing more truth, and changing. Still my main compulsions are in place, yet there is even movement within them, I’m able to say no to them at times, going with them and then resisting them, not feeling so bound up. So I’m feeling happier, at times I do actually feel really happy, not love or loving yet, but still really good and even excited about the future and understanding what my Healing is doing. And I understand I need time to get used to having good feelings, they having been so foreign for me. And when I’m feeling better I also feel so relieved that the storm clouds seem to be passing, especially when I look back at how dark it was.
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Post by James on May 23, 2018 20:17:11 GMT 10
I feel unloved. I don’t feel my parents loved me. I feel hated. I feel hated by them. Whenever I’ve felt hated my mind has come in fast to say, no, they didn’t hate you the person, it was just the things you did that annoyed them (as if they are two different things). Today my mind is silent. I feel hated by them.
Then I wanted to know why they hated me: what is the reason my parents hated me? And my mind comes in: what was wrong with me - was there something wrong with me, and was that the reason they hated me?
But then my feelings tell me, forget about the reason, that’s only a distraction, just stay with the feeling of feeling hated by them - that’s the truth. The reason, or trying to find it, is only another distraction, and I don’t actually need to know, because so what, do I think that if I knew I would then say oh that’s okay, now I don’t have to feel bad?
I want only the pure feeling - I feel hated by Them - They hate me. And that’s why I feel unloved. And for me to just stay with that, nothing more. To keep my searching mind out of it. Even if reasons as to why they hated me came, they still wouldn’t change the feeling - the truth - that I feel unloved and hated by them.
If you don’t feel loved, you feel unloved. And feeling hated is feeling unloved. It can be very hard to admit that you feel unloved and hated, but if you do, then it’s true, and that is that, as that is what your feelings are telling you about yourself.
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Post by James on Nov 2, 2018 16:10:05 GMT 10
Friday, 2 November 2018
Yesterday I felt resigned to my fucked up state - once again, and okay about that. Today I feel even more resigned but fucking angry (again) about it, like I’m being forced into such resignation. I don’t have a fucking say, I can’t change anything of my unloved and unloving state, I can’t even happily accept being fucked and just be done with it.
I feel like I’ve got to the end, fucking yet again, the end of even fucking trying: trying to understand my problems, trying to listen to Marion’s help, trying to express my own feelings so I can see the truth of them. According to her, and I agree with her, I still can’t do it, I still have hidden feelings I can’t bring up, and I don’t know how to. I’ve done all she’s suggested, and as I don’t feel like going anywhere else or to anyone else for help, and as I’m sick of praying and asking the Mother and Father for help, so I feel like I can’t go on, I don’t know what to do anymore.
So what do I fucking do? Praying doesn’t do anything, trying to express my feelings doesn’t do anything, listening to Marion and trying to understand the problems doesn’t do anything. I am still the fucked up me with all my fucked up things that I’ve always been. The only difference between now and back then is I understand all my fucking problems now, I see the truth of them - where they came from, how they came about, how I had to take them on, and how trapped in them and unable to let them go of them I am. I am true to my fucked up state - big deal, wow, what a fucking achievement! And okay, so I feel so much better in it, I’m not as miserable or scared of everything and everyone as I was. Wow, now I can more happily be in my fucked state - big deal again! And so what happens from here? I know there will be more, more to feel these feelings, feeling how powerless and trapped in my fucked state I am, because that’s all I am and so all I’ve got to feel, and there seems to be endless layers to it, so this is it for as long as it takes I guess - whatever that means.
Because how long is it going to take before something gives, before a crack appears in my perfectly untrue all self-controlling state? Am I irredeemable - how are we redeemed, can it happen to me, can I actually somehow become a Celestial, healed and true? I can’t see it ever happening, how can it, a fucking miracle would have to take place, but that doesn’t seem likely. It’s just a nice mind idea that I can end my Healing, nothing else. And as I said, what the fuck else can I do?
I don’t know what to do, I can’t do anything else, there is nothing else for me to do. There’s not even any point talking about it with Marion, expressing my shit feelings - the few I can feel, all there is to do is just attend to the practical needs of keeping our shitty boring nothing no-love lives going. There’s not even any point of wishing it would all end, of being angry with it for not ending, angry at feeling so fucking powerless all the time, because it doesn’t do anything, nothing changes, nothing ever changes, even though I am changing, but that’s all just to get me closer to this point of complete nothing, which is feeling how nothing and useless and how disconnected to my life and parents I was - and still am.
So there’s nothing further to type, I’ve said it all before a million times, I can’t say anything else, my inner patterns are too controlling, they inhibit me to step outside my box and even consider something new. Marion has offered me endless new ways of being, I have thought if I worked to understand them then perhaps I might be able to grow into them, or just take them on by osmosis, just how mum, dad and Gran told me how to be, however I’ve seen I can’t do that, I’m no longer a child sucking it all up, it doesn’t work, she might need to say it all and see it all for herself and she can use me for that, but it does fuck all for me other than help me understand the psychology I’m trapped in within my controlling beliefs and behaviour.
And so I see it, I get it, I see how I am, and I hate it, but does God give a fuck about me? Sure They’ve helped me see it, but so fucking what, so I see it, wow, big deal again, now what - and is there going to be a fucking now what? I’ve got supposedly the whole fucking eternity ahead of me and yet I’m so bound into my state that what’s the point of that (other than having it as some carrot dangling that something might give and one day I might feel a good feeling) just to make me feel more angry and upset when I can’t move into that eternity. And an eternity of feeling trapped in my shitty little confined state doesn’t make me feel good.
All I want to do is rail against the injustice of it, to rage on endlessly bound up in my frustration that I am so helpless and can’t do anything to help myself. That everything has conspired to deaden my own feelings and ability to express them when I do manage to feel a glimpse, rendering me the most useless fuck on the planet. As Marion says, even the severe drug addicts, alcoholics and schizophrenic mad people she’s been with have been able to express and articulate themselves in their fucked up states, whereas I can’t in mine.
I feel I’ve been so thoroughly done in that I am just grinding to a halt. My fog is settling more within me, I am only just here, everything is so vague now as I become truer to how I’ve always been. And it’s not even as if I’m in some dream that I prefer, some fantasy life I’m creating for myself (that’s all gone with the Zarni shit), it’s just how I am, pushed so far away from myself that I have no idea where or who the real me is, trapped within my fogginess of nothing.
And it’s such a fuck, Marion is able to express and drive her own Healing. She’s completely happy with it and happy feeling bad when she does and feels she is getting somewhere, whereas I don’t feel I am getting anywhere, only more mad in my fantasy mind about the bigger picture stuff and these movies to write for the spirits, but what good does that do for anyone - what good does it do for me?
So again I give up! I wish I could just stop, close my eyes allowing the fog to descend once and for all and be done with it. Just to end - whatever the fuck that means. And I don’t feel like longing for the Divine Love, the Truth, talking with the Mother and Father and longing to be with Them - nothing (although I will keep longing because what else can I do!), I don’t even long to be true anymore, because what’s the point, I can’t see any of it has helped me, other than to show me how complete a job was done on me, how wrecked I am, how will-less, how dependent on needing to have another person telling me what to do in life because all I feel like doing now is watching movies, most of which I can’t bear.
But what else can I do? For years I’ve just sat on the couch, writing, talking with Marion, doing nothing, praying, zoning out, tuning in speaking with the spirits, but now, what’s the point, I’m sick of doing it all. Now I think a miracle is needed to ‘transform’ me out of my nothing life into a something one. But how is that going to happen?
I’m dosing off again, it’s just after lunch, and what else can I do? My eyes are getting heavy, it’s time to drift into the only respite I have - sleep. Just sleep it all out, block it out and be done with it.
I just eat and sleep to take the pressure off, a little comfort. Marion and I sit on the couch dosing, we don’t have anything to say to each other anymore - we never really did, it’s only been trying to express our bad feelings and to understand what it’s all about that’s kept us talking. As she said - we’re in a relationship together by default. And that’s the truth, we’re fucked because of the Default and that’s what we’re hopefully Healing.
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