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Post by James on Oct 31, 2016 19:55:05 GMT 10
My favourite feeling - Nothing, YUK!
Today I thought that if anyone were to ask me what I am, as in, what religion or spirituality, I would reply that I am a Nothingist, practicing Nothingism. A guy at the BB asked me what I was going to do over the weekend, and I said, the same as I do every weekend - Nothing.
I don’t want to do anything, I have to do the essentials but I don’t want to do them. I don’t even want to type this, however I still feel I must say something about what I’m going through, and perhaps I will finally get the point of saying - Nothing.
And all I do is sit on the couch nodding off and speaking about how bad, and even surprisingly, how good, I feel. Because although I feel like shit most of the time, still I too are now feeling better and better within myself like Marion has been feeling these past months. Only this week have these good feelings about myself started to get stronger in me, almost as if now it’s the good feelings I feel that are pushing out the bad feelings left in me, this being new for me.
However I’m not getting carried away with any good feelings. I am trying to still feel as bad as I do and do nothing other than express such feelings. To say I have a minimalists life is an understatement, yet really it’s how it’s been all the way along. I have a Nothing, of no-account, life, feeling I am Nothing and no one, and yet also feeling better and better about myself being this way. So the worse I allow myself to feel the better I feel - go figure.
Today I was also musing over Revelation in the Bible. I am not trying to muse or fantasise or think about anything, trying to instead do Nothing with my mind. However these things I can’t stop, as I’ve got to still have some distraction from the abject and total boredom I feel. And even though it’s nothing really knew, still I understood fully that Revelation is a False Revelation, and that of course in keeping with our wrongness, neither God nor the angels are going to give us a true revelation because that just doesn’t gel with our denial of truth. So some things within it might come true, probably more by luck than any true revelation, and that the True Revelation is in fact Divine Love Spirituality. That is, based solely (at least being the best I can do in my fucked up Nothing state) on truth.
DLS is a revelation being presented to humanity (at least in my dreams it is), and for humanity to do whatever it wants with it. I will not try and control or determine where it goes and what happens to it. I am ‘putting it out there’ and then it’s on its own. And whether or not it gets used and abused, broken down, corrupted, changed into yet more to be used by people against themselves and each other, will have nothing to do with me - for how could it anyway; and even if someone I could have such control to ensure it stays relatively pure, I don’t want that sort of control.
So if anyone wishes to use DLS or anything within it, setting up their own website or blog for example, please go right ahead. I am not expecting anyone to, however I might be surprised, but I have wanted to say that for quite a while now, so I’m putting it out there, too.
As to whether I will do anything further with DLS, I don’t know. How I currently feel I won’t be doing anything with anything. But of course that might change and I might get blood to the head and off I go again. But for the time being it is what it is, and I can’t even complete what I am intending to be the final book, which should really be the first book, a comprehensive introduction to DLS. So it’s sitting there accumulating bits and pieces I want to put in it, sitting within me on the back-burner waiting until the day I might feel like getting on with it, or the day when I feel the Nothing finally consumes me altogether and that’s the end of it all.
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Post by James on Nov 11, 2016 22:30:38 GMT 10
On and on and on and on and...
I keep thinking I’ll write about this and that and how I’m feeling, but them I’m too tired and let it go... and the days pass, and I wonder if I’ll ever feel like writing again. So, as you can see, still more of the same feelings for me.
My stomach has been doing strange things as deep anger at mum and dad has been coming up, so I’ve not been feeling the best, although both Marion and I do keep feeling better and better about ourselves as we keep working on our relationship, as that seems to be the focus now - trying to relate to each other truly and with our feelings leading.
I’ve been reading about the Trump victory and I’m amazed at what a good job the media did on people I work with at the BB causing them to be so blind to Trumps popularity. None of them read alternative media like I do, and that’s all I got, how corrupt Hillary was and how Trump would romp it in. I still thought they might rig the system and put Hillary in, but I think that would have then been too obvious with all the concerns about rigging it.
And I wonder if Hillary was set up in some way, the deeper controllers using her and the woman-vote by showing her (women?) to be power-hungry, corrupt, unstable and mentally ill and hell-bent on bringing about the nuclear war, and not at all up to it; and I can’t help wondering it all the Trumpites are going to be lemmings over the cliff. Is Trump the Pied Piper, now that that pesky woman has had her say and has been moved out of the way? Are the male controllers ever going to allow a woman into the top job? Will they ever forgive Eve?
Because the one thing that can be counted on, is humanity is still racing toward its dead end; because that is the way of evil and all the wrongness. But if the so-called New World Order does come about, perhaps it might all become a nice ‘safe-place’ for everyone to pretend they love each other and that it is paradise on earth after all.
A few days ago one of Nicholas’ spirit writings (see below) came to my attention saying among other things, that the Indwelling spirit comes to us when the soul incarnates into flesh, which I disagree with. I’ve not seen Nicholas for years, and I wonder why he doesn’t agree with what The Urantia Book says - that the Indwelling spirit comes to us around six or seven years old, because for me the Indwelling spirit comes when all our ‘life-experiencing’ system - our feelings and mental systems - are fully up and running, when we’re able to begin to be self-determining as a whole ‘little person’. And besides, where would the adjuster reside at conception when it has to be within our higher mind and when such mind circuits are not even formed and fully functioning until we’re around six to seven years old.
And then I thought - HA!, perhaps this is my new mission, to work my way through the contemporary Divine Love ‘messages’ trying to sort out what I agree with and what I disagree with, because in time that will surely have to happen. But the task that suddenly lay before me, then overwhelmed me, and feeling as tired as I have been feeling, I gave up that idea with a great sigh of relief. And besides, I don’t want to have to plough laboriously through writing like Nicholas’ that I find difficult to understand a lot of the time, not really sure what he’s trying to say and what information he’s trying to impart, and not very well written and edited (not that I can say my writings are much better on that front - I still can’t bring myself to laboriously plough though my earlier stuff that’s all waiting for me).
So it’s like this: Jesus came the first time and we took what he said and corrupted his words turning them into the Christian faiths. And then Jesus came again, and again people are taking his words and corrupting them, turning them into what might become yet more ‘Faiths of the New Birth’ ascribed to him. And if Jesus were to come again, so we’d do the same thing again. We have to do it, we can’t help ourselves, it’s the nature of our untruth and rebellion against Jesus and Mary.
And with this Second Corruption, corrupting the Second Coming, so - as will one day have to also happen with the First Corruption - everything will have to be picked over, pulled apart, and the truth kept, and the untruth seen for what it is and why it’s untrue, then discarded. And that process will be part of humanity’s healing... perhaps I will work with people on earth who want to sort it all out once I’m dead and from spirit? With people who are or have done their Healing. I might have a better understanding of it all by then.
Nicholas’ message: June 22nd, 2008 In this next message, my desire is to mention that the idea of an Indwelling Spirit is going to be quite common as individuals strive toward a greater spiritual awareness. The whole notion that there is a Father-fragment that is present in amongst mortal living is so appealing that individuals will endeavour to experience a form of communication and contact with this Father-fragment. It is very appealing to have this connectivity in one’s life for it can make one feel secure and that the Father is right there with one, in amongst the life experience and this can provide comfort and be reassuring. It is wonderful to feel the light from this Indwelling Spirit interacting with the soul for these feelings generates a real sense of being in touch with the Father. As awareness of the Indwelling Spirit becomes more prevalent, many individuals may identify contact and communication from the Indwelling Spirit as inspiration, thoughts, deep intuition, knowings, feeling and energetic desire to follow an invisible leading. An array of experiences that individuals may identify with when one becomes aware of the existence of the Indwelling Spirit. The Indwelling Spirit can do extraordinary things and for the most part, a person may not even recognise, know, or even be aware of the fact that the Indwelling Spirit is participating in one’s life. The Grace of Divine Love as one continues to receive Divine Love is that as the soul condition develops, and one becomes aware of the workings of this Love in one’s life, the interaction with the Indwelling Spirit becomes a soulful experience and not just a material-intellectual or conceptual experience. It is much easier for communication to transpire in the soul and the mind attribute of the soul than just the physical activity of the human brain. When emotions and the mechanical function of the brain are dominant, then the leadings from the Indwelling Spirit are often contrived, and a person may think that God is speaking to them when in fact, it is just the function of their own physical being. The Indwelling Spirit being an attribute of the Father can only act in accord with love and the workings of Divine Love. Understanding this helps us to recognise that any actions resulting in the creation of fear or the creation of error which may result in compensation is done so by the will of the individual and one’s soul is subject to the action of will and not the workings of the Indwelling Spirit. The Indwelling Spirit can only be in accord with the Father's Laws of Love and whilst individuals do create error, which requires compensation and forgiveness, this is a matter for the soul and the individual and in no way implicates the Indwelling Spirit. The obvious reason for this is that the Father and all attributes of the Father that have their origin in the Father and cannot create error or act in contradistinction to the workings of the Father. This places the Indwelling Spirit in its true context in its relationship with mortals and the Father. This truth creates the awareness that the individual New-Birth of a soul is the true and only way that an individual can be with The Father. Inclusive of all that is in Natural Love and then transformed by Divine Love and to progress into the presence of the Father which is reflective in the way that the Divine Love spirits progress through the Spheres to become a resident in the Celestial Heavens. The Father rebestowed the privilege for humankind and all spirits to partake of the Divine Love, which begins a soul’s New-Birth. Jesus revealed this teaching in his loving work with James Padgett. When Jesus lived on Earth, this was the time when the Father rebestowed the availability of the Divine Love for all mortal souls. In the Padgett Messages Jesus also revealed that there would come a time when the Divine Love would no longer be available for mortal souls to receive on Earth and in the all Natural Spheres. The Divine Love and the Holy Spirit remain available as it is today, in the Divine Love Spheres and the Celestial Heavens. The season that defines the availability of Divine Love and the potential of a soul’s New-Birth experienced and realised in this Immortality of soul is also the season of the Indwelling Spirits. The Indwelling Spirit and the individual is an experience that begins when the soul incarnates into the flesh and remains with the individual whilst the potential for the New-Birth is viable and the Divine Love of the Father is available. When the Divine Love withdrawn by the Father, and natural spirits and natural man exist in their natural soul condition, it is then that the Indwelling Spirit returns back to the origin of its creation in the Father's Sphere and residence. The potential to receive Divine Love is available. The Indwelling Spirit always actively helps to create this awareness so that individuals guided to find Jesus' truths to learn and to find the Divine Love of the Father so that Immortality and Divine personalisation of the Father can transpire in the New-Birth of the soul between the mortal soul and the Soul of the Father. The context of the Indwelling Spirit and its relationship with the individual is seen in the season of Divine Love that is available by the Father to all of humankind and inclusive to all spirits. The Divine Love is the Substance that fuses the Indwelling Spirit with the Immortal soul; however, the Indwelling Spirit always remains independent of the soul. The reason for this is that the Indwelling Spirit does not act out of will - i.e.: the will of the Indwelling Spirit - for the Indwelling Spirit has no such voluntary will to speak. It acts according to the specifics of its creation by the Father and to interact with individuality and personality and ultimately to communicate with the living mortal soul. When Divine Love embraced and the New-Birth begins, translation need not occur for Immortality given to the mortal soul by the quality and Substance of the Father's Divine Love. The New-Birth of the soul is the way individuals of Earth experience the Father and their soul condition changes so that progression activated in the mortal environment. To confirm this, when natural spirits receive Divine Love there is no such translation of energy between the individual and the Indwelling Spirit, the individual is simply attracted to the First Divine Love Sphere where their New-Birth begins and they progress to the Celestial Heaven. When an individual resides in the Celestial Heaven, an individual in these Heavens will have learned how to master communication between the Indwelling Spirit and their own soul and this contributes to a spirit way of living light and life in the actuality and Living presence of the Father. With much love, Celestial spirit friend, Ezekiel
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Post by James on Nov 12, 2016 21:21:37 GMT 10
All week I’ve felt angry with a woman at the BB who keeps telling me and everyone what to do all the time. Mostly I ignore her, as she doesn’t have anymore authority than anyone else, bringing my bad feelings home to Marion and expressing them whilst looking for their truth. However last week I nearly snapped feeling fed up and that I’ve had enough of her little power-controlling ways. And throughout the week I’ve had imaginary - mocks - scenarios going through my mind (courtesy of Bob my Indwelling spirit) which built up to a crescendo when I told her to Never tell me what to do, and in fact, to Never speak to me again, and to FUCK OFF!
And of course it is really to mum and Gran that I’m speaking when in my mind I’m imagining all these situations. And they so real, it’s as if we are together actually interacting, all with myself being able to - in the perfection of my own fantasy world- deliver all I want to say perfectly and with as much impact as necessary to slaughter her.
And then this evening after having rehearsed on my walk again what I wanted to say to her should she push me over the edge, I said it all to Marion with as much of the emotion as I could as if I truly was speaking to her.
And then a little while later I suddenly felt, na, I don’t need to confront her, it’s not about her, it’s all what I wish I could have said to mum and Gran, and in some way I feel now as if I have. I know if it is called for I would have no qualms speaking so directly to this woman, whereas previously I have always been too scared to stand up for myself fearing that upsetting and turning people against me was a very bad thing to do. My self-confidence has been growing lately and I know that I’m right in what I feel about her, I have other people at the BB who feel the same way, however now I feel it’s not about her, she’s not that much of a bother, and as I’m no longer projecting mum and Gran onto her, so she’s almost irrelevant. I even felt like going the other way and say, now... what do you want me to do today?
And as Marion said, see, yet another example of all you need to do is bring it out, expressing all she made you feel and all you wanted to say to her to me, and so not needing to do anything with her. You only need to tell me what you should have been able to tell your parents and grandparents; and so once you’ve done it, all that repressed pain has gone, along with it all your anger and need to try and assert yourself trying to gain power because this woman - your parents - makes you feel powerless. And now as you no longer feel powerless because within you you feel you have the power to say what you feel, so she no longer holds anything over you, so your parents have lessened their grip on you.
However having written all that, still a part of me wants to tell her where to go, just for the fun of it, and so see how that makes me feel, as I’ve never said such things to anyone before.
And so much for being ‘loving’, having to be loving because that’s what all the so-called religious and spiritual teachers say. Fuck that, I feel like I want to annihilate this woman if she pissed me off and crosses the line once again. Oh well, more bad feelings to express to Marion...
And then the next time we were together she started telling me off about something and I did get stuck into her. I had a tantrum, yelling and swearing at her, all but losing the plot as I can’t even remember what upset me so badly. And then afterwards I felt so good, having finally lost it and blown up and said the sorts of things I’ve always longed to say. My only regret was that through lack of experience being in such a rage with some like that I couldn’t keep going and crush her out of existence, however for me to achieve that I would have had to have be someone else, as she’s very thick skinned and I don’t think anything I said penetrated.
And later discussing it all and all I felt with Marion, as she pointed out, there’s no point causing yourself such grief, or anyone else, because you still have to go there and you don’t want to jeopardise your Work for the Dole payments. And no one wants to work with someone who’s angry all the time, and it’s not right that other people should have to be expected to anyway, as they are not wanting to be true.
And although I’d love to say fuck all that, I and anyone else should be free to say and express ourselves as we want, that woman included, that is not the world I live in, so I’ve had to give up and let go trying to have power (like mum did being able to yell and rage at everyone to get her way), and just be the pleb feeling as powerless as I do all to keep everyone happy.
And it occurred to me, that as we’re all false, so being false at the BB and out in the world but now knowing I am false, is alright, I can do that, bringing back my bad feelings to Marion and expressing them at home. And as Marion said, these other people are not wanting to do their Healing, so they won’t understand that you’re projecting onto them and trying to express all your bad feelings so as to uncover the truth of your relationship with your parents. And really you can’t use them like that expecting them to be there for you in that way. And it’s not right to put that on them, to subject them to it, as they are not wanting to live true and do their Healing.
So I’m learning to keep my real and now truer self to myself and just to fit in and not rock the boat. I have nothing to prove to them, I don’t need their approval anymore, and less and less do I need anything from anyone other than myself and Marion. And this was reinforced the other day when I said I didn’t want any lunch, that my stomach had been playing up. They all said I MUST GO STRAIGHT TO THE DOCTOR AND GET IT CHECKED OUT, and they were horrified when I said no, it was just my repressed anger coming up. That freaked them out even more and they almost begged me to go to the doctor going on and on about how if I didn’t something really bad might happen to me, just as such things had happened to them when they’d not instantly sort medical help.
So I don’t want to stir them up and make them feel bad, because for what reason is that needed, it would only be my ego trip, my thinking I’m better than them not needing the doctor and so on. So I’m learning to keep my inner self to myself, and to go along with ‘their way’, which I’m even getting better at the more self-assured I’m feeling.
And this has all led me to feel that I’m pulling away from people even more. The easier and less scary it is being with them, the more I can just play the game whilst also staying focused on my inner self and inner life. There is now just too big a gap between people and myself, I even mentioned the fact that I was happy to die and get on with my spirit life and they nearly had heart attacks, as you can’t be positive about death, let alone openly want it, so there’s no point even talking about the slightest spiritual things with them. And as far as speaking about something like the Divine Love and advancing ones soul - forget it.
Marion’s also feeling that she can’t relate to anyone (she’s always felt this but thought it was wrong and tried to, now she’s no longer trying to, just being how she feels) and is withdrawing from the world even more. She hasn’t left the house for weeks now, and I can do all she needs in the world. She was forced out into life and a life she hated, now she can stop that by being on her own side, allow herself to come back in and stay in away from such difficulties. And I who hid mostly inside the house and didn’t want to go out much, am now going out for the both of us, interacting with people all of which is helping me express myself and understand how to be with people respecting them and treating them properly.
I did think it was my duty to try and get people interested in spiritual things, and if they wouldn’t, to apply shock tactics by saying things that were not normal. But as I’m maturing, I’m understanding that these people might not grow spiritually for ages yet, they might be destined to years in the mind mansion worlds, and it’s not for the likes of me to interfere with their progress. So the closer I’m getting to them by just being able to more naturally express myself, but all within their parameters of what’s acceptable, the further away I feel I’m moving from them. And I can feel within my soul the difference between us, and when I die I will be finally set free, able to move into the right sphere for myself, just as they will move into the right one for them. And possibly we’ll never have anything further to do with each other.
So there’s lot of these inner adjustments going on for both of us currently. So many each day, too many to remember, the feelings come up, we see something new about ourselves, speak about it and all it makes us feel, then it subsides and we’re onto the next thing. I’ve now giving up thinking that I should remember everything, I hardly think about DLS and all that I’ve found out through my Healing, letting my mind and its need to be in charge go, whilst just enjoying more being in my feelings.
And another funny thing, the less I try and work out what’s going wrong at the BB and what would be a better way to do things - and there are millions of things to think about there along those lines; the more I give up trying to use my mind to assert some control and gain some power by making myself feel I’m important and needed there; the more I don’t think about such things, the more suddenly just out of the blue (thanks to Bob and the others) what’s needed just pops into my mind. And I was sharing these things with my co-workers trying to make things run better, but now I’m going the other way and trying not to tell anyone about such things, just keeping them to myself - and seeing how that makes me feel. I have such a huge need to be thought well of, to be praised (by Gran) for being the good boy thinking up what’s helpful, all of which gave me false feelings of power and fuelled my whole DLS revelation thinking I’d be helpful to the whole world, that to now not need such praise and the power that goes with it, so to not be helpful, is opening up whole new avenues for me to relate to life through.
And the truth is, the people at the BB aren’t asking for my help. If I impose it they will - and even gratefully at times - accept it, but really I should wait until I’m asked (even though I’m scared I will never be asked, as my parents never asked me what I thought of felt), for until then, it’s none of my business. So I will witness the horror of the plants dying, the seedlings being neglected and shrivelling up, the abuse of nature, without trying to intervene and prevent it. It’s happening everywhere humanity is, and just because I believe at the BB in my small way I might be able to lessen the blow, still, what for, what is the point, when God still wants it all to keep happening.
So I feel it’s none of my business. I will just keep trying to stay true to my feelings, and any bad ones express to Marion, and just do what I have to do, but with an increasing awareness of the wrongness and my place in it; my place being part of it as I can’t not be part of it, I have to still be in the world, but knowing I don’t have to like or agree with it, allowing myself to hate it, and to have all my hatred freely flowing about within me whilst at the same time I am smiling and laughing with the people I’m working with. They have no idea what I’m really like, and it would be too shocking for them if they suddenly were exposed to it, they are not ready for it, it’s taken me these twenty years of solid Healing to accept being it myself, so I keep up my front, the very thing I’ve been trying to get rid of, because for the time being it’s serving a good purpose.
Marion’s been feeling more of late how her body is her parents. It’s her enemy as they were. She is trapped in it as she was trapped with them. It has always made her feel bad as they always made her feel bad. It doesn’t work for her making her feel good, it’s not on her side, as they were never on her side making her feel good. She hates it as she hates them. And there is no escape from it as there was no escape from them. Inside herself - not her body - she feels still better and happier each day. Slowly bit by bit the old is falling away and she is being born anew, all accept her body. It will be interesting to see if this phase working through her relationship with her body and it representing her parents is the end of her problems with the physical world, and whether once it’s all over, she will even come to love her body as it changes to working well and lovingly for her. Or will her physical always reflect the damage done to her by her unloving parents, and within it her spirit will continue to soar showing that it doesn’t matter about the physical and the body, the spirit and soul being more important and what it’s really all about.
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Post by James on Nov 16, 2016 22:04:48 GMT 10
I don't feel loved.
This morning after my usual talking with Marion about how bad I felt, the bad feelings partly coming up because of a dream, it came to me, as I could feel it so truly, strongly, purely, that I never felt loved by mum, so have never felt loved by anyone, and I never felt loved by dad, so have never felt the world loved me. I feel like I do fully understand the truth of my life now. So I feel no one and nothing loves me, and even if someone does, it doesn’t matter because that’s how I feel in the core of me. Mum and dad didn’t just leave me alone, which they did often, but pushed me away, so I feel completely rejected and unwanted deep inside.
I’ve struggled to accept these feelings of feeling completely unloved because on some level and at times I enjoyed being with mum and dad and did feel some love - or so I thought, for and from them, however that’s all very well on the more superficial levels, but right in the heart of me, in the core truth of my soul, I am unloved because I feel unloved - and that is my truth, the truth of my life so far.
So as bad as I feel feeling unloved, I also feel the best I’ve felt because at least I am seeing and feeling it properly. I feel and know that I’m not deluding myself as much as I was, pretending there is something there when there isn’t. And it doesn’t matter what mum or dad might feel, even if they were to tell me they did love me, as it is not even about them, it’s just about myself and how I feel - unloved.
And not feeling loved, means I don’t know about love and can’t love, I wouldn’t know where or how to begin. I thought I did know, but over time through my Healing I’ve been able to see with Marion’s help that I’m not loving and what I thought being loving was wasn’t loving at all. It was if anything a false or affected or pretend love - just more untruth.
So the Mother and Father have wanted me to experience feeling unloved, and to then delude myself that I was loved and didn’t feel all the terrible unloving feelings. Then They’ve wanted me to wake up and face the truth of my feelings, to honour them and allow them to show me their truth. And the more I’ve progressed, the more I know it is the truth of myself, and I don’t have to explain or justify or try and convince anyone else that it is how I feel, it’s just all to do with me and myself - no one else matters, not even mum and dad.
And so okay I got a bum deal, but that’s how it’s been, and that’s how I feel it still is, as I still feel unloved and still can’t do anything in life other than what other people tell me to do. But at least I know the truth, and it’s becoming clearer by they day, and all thanks to just steadily working on expressing my feelings as they come up longing for their truth.
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Post by James on Nov 18, 2016 21:43:17 GMT 10
I'm a thief!
At the BB the other day I stole two plants to give to one of the women volunteering there as I thought they’d look good in her native plant garden and the plants were nearly dead from neglect.
I had it all planned, I took the plants without anyone seeing and put them in my car in the carpark, thinking I’d give them to the woman when she left.
We walked to her car together only to see she had a flat tyre, I gave her the plants and had to go, leaving her in the capable hands of one of the other volunteers who said he’d change her tyre for her. I was paranoid that because of her delay in leaving, someone would see the two little plants I’d given her (which she was delighted to get), and I’d be accused of stealing. And that together with all the latest fuss concerning another woman I’ve had, would be the last straw and I’d be asked to leave.
On the way home I started to feel scared and panicky about what if I was caught. What would I say, as I couldn’t defend myself, I was guilty. And at home speaking it over with Marion as the fear built in me, it became clear that my reasons for taking the plants weren’t actually that clear to me - why really did I steal them?
Oh the guilt, the terrible fear, the panic of being sprung and having to confess that I was a thief, that they couldn’t trust me anymore, that I was a bad person after all - so much stress and endless horrible feelings all evening as I talked about all it brought up for me. All of which of course was to do with mum and dad and feeling so bad for being a bad boy and feeling guilty for doing things that made them feel bad.
And by the end of it, I thought, no, fuck that, I’m never going to steal again, it’s not worth the grief, I can’t stand the fear and panic, no way, never again, it was too much, too intense, I felt so ill, so bad, and I am determined to never bring that all down upon myself again.
So really the theft was for my Healing, like everything is. I really did it to see how I felt having done it. And feeling so bad, that helped me decide that no I don’t want to steal anything ever again, not even the slightest thing, not even two sick plants that would have more than likely been thrown out.
And I had to find out. I pinched a few things years ago before my Healing at the aquarium because I wanted to get back at the boss who reneged on a few months bonuses he said he’d pay, but doing it this time with all my feelings free to come up - no way, never again.
So my feelings taught me how I want to be in life concerning being honest and not stealing. Which is how they should have taught me all the way along. But instead I was told stealing was bad and that bad things would happen to me if I did it, but I never found out for myself, so at least now on this feeling level I know.
And of course through the evening talking it all out with Marion, I worked through all my beliefs about stealing being bad, all to the point of being able to feel truly how I felt about it - objectively if you like, without all the prejudice from my childhood; and I found out the truth of it for myself, and the truth of how I want to live.
And as Marion said, it’s also a good example of how you only need to do small things and yet feel a vast amount of feelings, good and bad. I didn’t need to rob a bank, I didn’t even need to get caught as it turned out, I just had to keep expressing all I felt and see what truth came to light.
And the next day as I drove there I completely expected to have been found out. I knew what I was going to say, to own up, and take whatever punishment was given to me, along with the shame of having to know that I’d let everyone down at the BB, all the people who do like and trust me. But as I said, nothing was said, and hopefully the two plants might get a reasonable shot of life in a well loved garden. But that doesn’t matter, all that does matter is all I went through and what I found out about myself and how I want to conduct myself in life.
If we allow our feelings to lead the way, they will show us loud and clear what makes us feel the best in life.
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Post by James on Nov 20, 2016 21:30:02 GMT 10
Getting closer to being my true unloving self - and that's okay.
Yesterday I realised that my outburst at the BB helped bring me more into myself and closer to the other people who also don’t like and have had problems with the same woman.
And I understood that being at the BB is just like it was being at home, in that there is no one there who is interested in what I’m interested in; and yet I unlike being at home, I am able now to just be happy with the people I like and not expect or wish or try to make them become interested.
I don’t talk about any of the spiritual stuff, not even life after death as that is too much. No one is even interested in star signs or religion, and they all believed Hillary was going to get in, having believed the same MSM without even being aware of any reasonable alternative media. And they only have a vague interest in the plants and nature, and are mostly concerned with their friends and family and going on their next holiday spending their superannuation.
And I realised that I can now be with just normal ordinary people and enjoy being with them, and I don’t need to be off in my mind thinking about other things and all that I’m interested in. I can enjoy talking about making cakes and recipes and grandchildren and babies and illnesses, unlike I was able to do at home and anywhere else before now. I couldn’t bear all that, it bored me to tears, I wanted something more exciting, even to talk about Trump and the upset - anything. But yesterday I didn’t care, I didn’t want it, and nor did I want to try and shock these people making them think I’m someone important being interested in and knowing all this other stuff. Now I can be with them and want nothing more.
So I felt I’d sort of ‘come down’ out of my fantasy-mind, down to just normal life like so many people live. I’d sort of in a way ‘arrived’, even made it finally onto the bottom rung there to ‘begin’ life, as if I am to now begin life from the bottom level, just normal everyday conservative life, life where not even organic food is given much of a hearing.
And having discussed all I felt with Marion, then I wondered, what’s next, where will I go from here - will I grow into starting to have spiritual thoughts again? But as she said, that’s only your mind going off again, when you’ve just told me you’re not doing that, just doing nothing other than being with these people and doing the work and talking about whatever it is they talk about.
Then today, another shift, and I am longing hard to move on, longing to be true, longing to be able to express myself perfectly, longing to want to connect fully with Marion, to be able to reach out to her and to want her to reach out to me, rather than continue being aloof, separated, off on my own without making any effort to join up.
So I feel like my Healing has taken me back to the beginning, to where I should have started in my wrongness - being just like everyone else. And feeling okay about that, not wanting anymore like these people, just happy to see my days out and move with whatever life has in store for me, feeling a little loved and a little love for the simple things and simple friendship.
I feel like I’m now okay in my natural love wrongness - this is about as good as it will get. I’ve come in from the cold, and I’m now sitting by a warm fire with these other people in their wrongness, we all getting along the best we can.
So I’m still becoming truer to my unloving state. I have no illusions about it anymore. And in fact in many ways if it were all I was to have that would be okay too.
But I do want more, and I want to no longer be unloving, so perhaps from here I might be able to move closer to ending it all?
Marion: Please Heavenly Father of ours!! Please fill our souls with Your Divine Love, and transform our souls into the Very Essence of Yourself!!!!!
💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙💜💛💚💙
Please make us at-one with YOU!!!!!
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Post by James on Nov 23, 2016 22:00:09 GMT 10
I don’t understand...
This now is for me the most important part of my Healing and spiritual growth so far, and I don’t have a clue. Please Sam if you have any ideas about it that you’ve worked out through your Healing, I’d love to hear them. It’s to do with the will, and even though I’ve been over this a lot before, here I am yet again going over it all again. I’ve asked the Mother and Father about it and They say ‘You’ll see’, which is about Their standard reply, and Mary and Jesus are ‘out to lunch’ so I don’t get anything from them, and Bob is suspiciously silent about it... ‘Come on Bob, what gives, I don’t understand it, what’s going to happen?’ ‘Not my place to comment my dear chap, it’s for you to experience, and I ain’t going to interfere and neither is anyone else’.
And it’s also the most difficult part for me to get my mind around, so if I incoherently wander all over the place, I’m sorry, but I’ll do my best to try and organise my thoughts, which of late keep wanting to remain disorganised.
So what I don’t understand is what happens to us to end our Healing. Over my healing years I’ve been able to see and feel I’ve progressed in certain ways and to certain degrees, in all areas other than in the core of my will. I still feel just as fucked in some areas of myself as I’ve always felt. I am much truer to them, I understand better, but I don’t feel like anything has changed in them, I still feel as powerless in them, still need to habitually do them, can’t stop myself, can’t say no - can’t change myself. And even though I don’t actively try to change myself, I have over time been able to see and feel and detect changes, but not in these will areas.
I still feel bad - overall: imperfect, unloving, evil, and all the rest - horrid, perverted, fucked, cruel, disrespectful and so on, all to varying degrees. I don’t feel all-loving and all the positive attributes of love. And okay, I can accept that as I steadily wake up to the ugly truth of myself, the truth of my negative state as I’ve called it. And I can accept that as I get truer to it, I’m no longer fighting against it, I can feel the humiliation and shame and all those terrible feelings of the indignity of realising that I am bad, that I’m not a nice person, even though I can pretend to be friendly and put on a show.
And I have thought that as I get closer to accepting the whole truth of my rottenness, that I will change, I will no longer need to be bad and evil, so will become loving, true and good. And I thought it would be a progression, transforming from one way of being into being another way, that all taking place as I progressed up through the mansion worlds, so that by the time I was ready to arrive in the Celestials (to be of a Celestial level of truth), I’d have perfected my Natural love, be loving and good, and then able to make the final transition. And this might still be what is to happen, however the trouble is, I don’t really feel like I’m becoming a better person, that I am perfecting my natural love, I feel just as fucked, albeit more truer to it, but in some ways no closer to being of a Celestial level of truth that I’ve ever been. And yet I can feel I have grown in truth, at least in the truth of understanding my wrongness, but still, I don’t feel like I’m able to change into becoming a whole different person, someone who is still intrinsically me, as I can’t change my personality, but me who is positive and loving. So what is going to happen? And even though of course I can’t know, and no one is going to tell me, it’s where I’m at in wondering what it’s all really about.
For example, is it that I am going to slowly perfect myself and become of pure Natural love and then one day with the help of the Divine Love move into a Celestial state of being? It is a slow and gradual transition, and is that what I’m doing? But where is the evidence as I don’t really feel it.
Or is it that I am to work myself into becoming true to my negative unloving horrible and hopeless state, and when I’ve finally submitted completely to it, no longer resisting it, and able to express continually all the pain and bad feelings I feel understanding the truth of them; is it then when I AM THE WHOLE TRUTH OF MY WRONGNESS, in that I am fully aware of it, then bingo, suddenly everything within me reverses direction, and instead of being unloving I instantly become loving. Is that what happens to the spirits who reach the upper level seventh mansion world, do they having become true to all their wrongness, go to sleep and wake up magically transformed into divine and Celestial perfection... or, do they gradually perfect their natural love up through the mansion worlds, gradually relinquishing their minds control for their feelings, and with the Divine Love acting on their soul as they become more true in their Natural love, then to reach the upper seventh and make a smooth natural transition into the Celestials fusing with Indwelling spirit who can now unite its divinity with the divinity of their soul. And I’ve not asked the Celestials how it was for them in this light, and I think that if I did, they’d be as vague as Bob. They’ve all, including the Mother and Father, led me to think that the gradual transition is the way, as it would so you’d reckon make the most sense, but is it... I don’t know, and I’m beginning to think maybe it’s not as simple and straightforward as that.
After all these healing years still the same things are wrong with me, all things that I can’t will myself to change as I feel too will-less and too powerless to do. Namely, my biting my nails, eating too much, wanking, not being able to connect and express myself to Marion or anyone else properly, and generally feeling hopeless about myself - how fucked I am. I can’t wave my own magic wand and stop myself doing these things and being this way. And even though I’ve been able to stop doing these things by using my will and other times it just happening, for varying periods of time from days, weeks, months, still they come back or just remain seemingly the same and unaffected by all the other work I do on myself. And Marion’s the same with her things, and we’re both, so it seems, which I might be wrong about yet again, getting to just being with these things and feeling how bad they make us feel, and nothing else. We do so little in our lives now, so we’ve only got these things, these habits and compulsions, needs we must fulfil in the vain hope they’ll make us feel better, and perhaps this is what is meant to happen that we just get truer to these ‘failings’ within ourself, closer to and eventually fully accepting that we are fucked and can’t do anything about these things, and then what... So what is it really all about? What is the point; and even, is it that that is the point, that we get to understand fully our will-lessness, just how powerless we are and how it’s expressed in ourselves?
So is it that these things haven’t changed, and won’t change, because they are to remain all the way along to the very end all to help keep the pressure on us, showing us that we’re still fucked, and for us to keep going expressing how bad having and doing uncontrollably these things make us feel; and then when we’ve finally brought to light all the truth we are to see about our powerlessness in these aspects of ourselves, which really amounts to everything, our whole unloving state, then... we’ll gradually evolve out of them; or, possibly, they’ll just suddenly stop as we’ll no longer have the need to do them.
So my Healing has made me accept that I can’t will myself to change, I am powerless to affect my will. Sam you can apply your will (but really is it your mind?) and not eat one food forcing yourself to eat another all so you can put the necessary pressure on yourself to bring more bad feelings to light. And that is all very well, but what about other things you do or aspects you’ve become aware of about yourself, can you apply your will and work effectively on them to change them, or do you also feel you’re perpetually at the mercy of them unable to fight against them, and wondering: should you even fight, or just give in and go with them and see what happens? I love you hear what you think Sam and if you understand what I’m getting at.
And so the worse part for me is realising that I have no say in any of it. Which of course is still the remnants of my minds control - but I don’t. My soul has all say, the Mother and Father have all say, I don’t have any. I can’t change my fundamental will focus, and I have to accept that I don’t have that sort of power. And being fucked I will remain fucked until my soul and the Mother and Father decide otherwise. And the whole thing about having free-will on the soul level is it doesn’t exist, the so-called freedom of our mind to believe we have free will, being what I think our free will is. So the further one is in their mind away from their feelings and soul the more they believe they have free will.
I have begged the Mother and Father to help me give up my wanking addiction every day and every year of my Healing. I have longed to Them to show me the truth of it - why I need to do it, and They’ve shown me a hell of a lot, yet still I do it. And most days I think, when the need is not pressing to do it, right, today I won’t do it, I don’t need to, I can stop it, it’s easy, I will just say no if the desire to do it comes up, I have free will, I will be strong and fight against it. And that is all very well whilst I feel relatively okay, but no sooner than the bad feelings come that trigger the need to do, and all my so-called strength of will flies out the window and I can’t wait to do it again, it being the best thing I can do and only thing I want to do in my life. And in that state I can’t see that only moments ago it was the worst thing in my life, it’s perverted and I’m sick of it, the physical pleasure only lasting a short and then I feel even worse; but no, when the feeling, the need to do it is on, I can’t say no, nothing would make me say no, you’d have to chain me down. And I’ve often wondered what would happen if I was tied down, for days, weeks and months, would I be able to scream my way through the pain and trauma that causes my need to do this thing to myself to try and stop myself feeling bad? I wish I were as strong as you Sam and were able to say no, put my foot down and just go through the hell, but I can’t, shit I can’t even begin, it’s as thought when the switch is switched on I’m completely different to how I was, even though it’s all me.
I know how an addict feels, the ‘thing’ - feeling, comes over them, and it’s just, ah, one little drink... one more shot... and you’re down the hole and it’s all over again. So what’s going to happen, how am I ever going to get the bottom of it... and is there even a bottom to it - I don’t know. Because there are days and weeks when that switch is not triggered and I don’t even think about it, have no desire, it wouldn’t even occur to me that I need to do it, want to do, and I don’t feel I’m missing out not doing it - it just doesn’t happen. And then those times go and it’s on again and I can’t stop. Only the trouble it the older I’m getting the harder it is and the physical consequences are more pronounced and more difficult to deal with; so I want to give it up, I want it to end, but worst of all, I feel like in some bizarre ways, it’s not even me doing it because I sincerely want to do it, to enjoy the thrill of it, it’s as if I’m being forced to do it, as if someone is saying ‘You must wank now James, do it!’, and like Pavlov’s Dog, when the bell rings, I can’t say no.
And I’ve fought it over the years, I tried to use all my will to not do it. I’ve then gone the other way and tried to kill myself doing it as much and as freely as I can, but the body can only do so much, god knows what it would be like in spirit if there is a Sex World and you can indulge in such things being able to recreate orgasms using your mind over and over day in day out - the ultimate multiple experience! I don’t know how you’d ever be able to stop that sort of indulgence, for at least here on Earth the physical body says enough is enough, I need a rest, and even makes you stop.
So back to what I wanted to write about, really nothing has changed overall in such needs I have. I mean they have changed a little within themselves, for example my being able to fantasise has grown immeasurably, so my waking is far more intense, real and thrilling, but is that a good thing? And sure, I don’t bite my nails as much and I have some say in the amount and types of food I eat, but still overall I do these things that are not loving and signs that I am still feeling very distressed about feeling so unloved.
And then I thought that perhaps we’re meant to work ourselves back into our negative unloving state to such a point that we don’t ever feel any good feelings, only all our bad ones, and so we are to feel always bad, as that is surely how we feel in the core of our being having been conceived into an unloving state.
But if that is so, why do Marion and I keep feeling better and better, and our bad times are lessening? There seems to be so much less of our emotional bad feelings, the misery, sadness and anger and so on, but just more of feeling bored and generally unhappy and very bad about being such a horrible fucked person. So where are these good feelings coming from if we’re meant to work ourselves back into being true to our bad state? And I thought these good feelings, and they are new and genuine when they come up, are showing that we are changing, being transformed and becoming of perfect Natural love, which all sounds good, but still why aren’t our deep will-related problems and needs not showing any sigh of changing as I’ve written above - what’s going on there with those parts of ourself?
Marion just reckons they haven’t changed because there is still more deeper pain for us to bring up, but if that’s so, why isn’t it coming up? We both beg the Mother and Father to bring up all our pain and yuk, and yet Marion, particularly, spends more time feeling happy of late than feeling bad. Yet when she does feel bad, now she wants to end it all, to cease to be, or if she must, then to die and go into spirit. She used to fear going into spirit because she couldn’t see anything good, only bad, waiting there for her, but now she doesn’t care about that, she’d simply rather not have all her physical problems even if she has to feel bad still in spirit. So that’s progress, she is now happy to die!
And if there are these hidden, as yet untapped, much deeper places within us that are the at the seat of our rottenness, the original? trauma perhaps, then what is it going to take to plunge us into those depths, to crack us open, and why haven’t we even got any inkling of such deeper parts to us that are still in such a bad way? Can it really be that we’ve got so much pain and buried unexpressed bad feelings left still to come up, when we are feeling so much better about ourselves... I don’t know... possibly, however I don’t know if that makes sense. But as for me, none of the Healing has made sense, so I might be wrong and something so drastic might still have to happen to send us into such misery and despair so we can attend to all that’s stopping our will from changing.
But then I come back to wondering if that is necessary, for really we only need to see the truth of our unloving state, and as that comes to light as we express our buried feelings, then surely the more we express the more truth we will see. But the truth is sort of slowing up, or dying up, I hardly see that much at all compared to what I did see. And I was running the bigger picture revelation in step with my personal revelation and the big picture stuff has stopped, I see it, I haven’t had any more major insights into it since all that with Bonita and the soul, and all I seem to be doing is consolidating by doing nothing, as I hardly think about it all. So if there was more hidden depths for us to plumb, then would that correspond to yet more bigger picture stuff, stuff I’ve no idea about when I feel I’ve completed the picture thus far? I don’t know, as usual nothing adds up.
Marion says we’ve just got to keep going working on the same old things when they come again and again, which is fine, however I’m feeling tired of the whole business. I have worked on my problems, endlessly, and nothing more does seem to come up with a lot of them. So I wonder if in fact I am to just say, that’s it, fuck it, I can’t do it, I give up, I’ll have these problems forever and there’s nothing more I can do about it. I long and beg and ask, but I can only do so much of that, and Marion says I’m not doing it hard or strong enough, I’m not determined, but I can’t do it anymore than I am. I don’t have to ability to keep hammering away at it like she can with herself, her parents were far more forceful than mine were, so I give up, I can’t keep going, my overall desire for the truth has not changed, but I fail to see the point of flogging a dead horse, and that’s about how I feel.
So again I don’t know what to do, and I feel like I can’t do anymore anyway. It’s just not in me, and I might be as Marion says, just pushing up against a block and if I keep going I will break through it, but if that’s so, then the Mother and Father have fucked me up so badly that I’m capable of pushing through such blocks. And if that’s the case, then I NEED HELP, PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I CAN’T DO IT. I say that to Them, but what good does that do when people have been saying that to God for eons and going to their grave not feeling like they go helped.
So I feel like I’ve gone round in a circle, and I’m back to just keep on going the best I can, for what else can I do. Plodding along, trying to express my bad feelings that are so difficult to get a grasp of half the time. And give in, I can’t change myself, I can’t make myself go deeper into the hidden traumas, if they are there, ferreting out the truth that will set me free. So as I said, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what happens from here on in; and the prospect of nothing happening, of sitting around trying to go deeper into the same old shit I’ve already tried to go deeper into, isn’t something to look forward to. But does anyone care how I feel... eh, god, are you listening to your child??? And if this is Their caring, then again I’m fucked if I know what any of it is all about.
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Post by James on Dec 12, 2016 22:00:35 GMT 10
The Chosen One
The ‘Chosen One’ is coming to reveal the truth about how we can heal our rebellion against all that is truth and love and our Mother and Father.
The ‘Chosen One’ will first have to heal herself.
She will awaken through her Healing to the truth that, she being ‘The Chosen One’ because she was the first person chosen to do her Healing, is in fact also The Hated One.
She will come to understand through her feelings how hated she was by her parents, and how such hatred has ruined her ability to freely express herself. And because she will feel so unloved, she will also be The Miserable One. And she will live true to her bad feelings resulting from feeling utterly unloved. She will also be able to declare, on behalf of all others, that she is also The Unloved One.
So like everything else in our wrongness, we are looking for the Chosen One - Jesus, to return and save us, to do a better job than what he did first time around. But he is not going to return as we expect and believe he will. And more than likely most people will miss the real ‘Chosen One’ as she quietly goes about her Healing working on expressing every bad feeling she feels, all so she can fully uncover the truth of feeling so unloved.
And when she has finished her Healing, then how will she be... we will have to wait and see.
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Post by James on Dec 30, 2016 20:11:59 GMT 10
more of our Healing...
I felt today how much I hate Marion always going on about feeling bad. I hate her complaining, expressing her bad feelings wishing she’d stop, wishing I was with someone who always felt good, wishing anything but the situation I’m in. So in no way am I sympathetic to her pain, I hate her for having it and going on about it so much. I wish she’d just go away and leave me alone.
And I realised that no one in my early life allowed me to express my bad feelings. It was all right for mum to go on and on demanding and getting all the attention for feeling bad, but I wasn’t allowed to compete. So I sided with Gran against mum wishing mum would shut up and stop feeling bad and go away and become a happy never complaining mum.
And everyone else also said no to feeling bad. Everyone at the BB says that’s enough, about themselves feeling bad or myself if I go about it one iota. No, stop that, we don’t want to hear that, we only want to hear good things. Marion is the only person who never says no to any bad feelings, and always wants more of them.
So I am conditioned for people to cut in and say no, stop that, fix the problem, take over, whatever it takes to shut me up. So when Marion doesn’t do that, I don’t know what to do, I cease up because that’s not the program I’m used to. I then flounder around doing all be not expressing my bad feelings feeling more mad and ridiculous.
But this all then makes it extremely difficult for me to just get on with attending to myself and expressing my own bad feelings. Which is why I’ve need Marion to keep working on me to do so. So ALL how I am, as I’m still uncovering, is ALL how I was with them - nothing has changed. And so as I’ve said again, it’s really mum and Gran I am seeing in Marion, I’m not relating to her at all, but always to them. So by analysing how I do relate to Marion and I see the truth of how I related to them. And that I hated them and being with them, all which contradicts what I used to think before I started my Healing.
And I wonder if there will be a lot of people like me who have millions of crossed wires in their programming, all of which has the effect of stopping them identify and express their feelings. And if there are such people, then they are going to need the help of people like Marion, and if you’re one of those people, I sympathise with you for it’s a real shit not being able to do your Healing yourself, always having to rely on someone else for help, never being self-determining in this area of life, that which is the most important. And fuck I feel bad about it. So useless, so pathetic, so unable to do anything to help myself other than keep asking Marion to help me, even though it often drives her mad because she’s fed up with inability to express myself and so relate directly to her through my feelings.
We think it’s caring ourselves and each other what to do, but it’s not. That’s false caring if anything. And through our Healing we have to see how we do and why and if we want to keep going that way, all how it makes us feel as we see we are doing it, all how makes the other person feel whom we’re doing it to.
We both love how life just guides you helping you with your feelings when you want to live true to them. Marion didn’t want to take her rings off. She had one or two on each finger. She didn’t want to take them off because she HAD TO DO THE WASHING UP. And as she didn’t really want to do the washing up anyway, it being something that was heavily forced on her, so she stopped doing it all so she didn’t have take her rings off. And I didn’t mind because we have so few dishes. And now she doesn’t want to wear her rings, she’s moved on from the need to have them, she even wants to give them all away, and yet she still doesn’t do the washing up as she still doesn’t feel like doing it. So thank you rings for helping her get more in touch with herself through her feelings. And now she feels like she is the jewellery.
Marion was saying that we express our way to what we want. She might have a physical pain and expresses all she feels until it gets too much, and that is when she wants it to go, it’s too bad and goes to the Father asking Him to remove it, which now he often does. But she doesn’t just use her mind by going straight to Him whenever she feels bad, using him as a way to stop herself feeling bad, but working with her feelings until they move her to ask Him, that being when through our feeling expression her will has come up and grown stronger until its ready to act through her feelings. All of this helping to rectify her will damage caused by her parents.
She was also saying how nowadays you are at least allowed to acknowledge your bad feelings more in society, and are also then free to do whatever you can - sex, drink, drugs, pills, psycho-help, anything and everything to deny them, to get rid of them. So we can at least all be more open about our feeling denying ways, they are all acceptable more or less, whereas during her upbringing no one was even allowed to say they felt bad, that was considered weak, so you just had to deny it all.
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Post by James on Jan 4, 2017 21:26:56 GMT 10
Marion no longer hates how she looks
Marion is relishing her new found freedom of not having to worry about how she looks, she can wear anything without worrying what other’s might say and think. She says: It’s so good, you can’t know how good it is no longer caring anymore.
All day she’s been talking about how good she feels, no longer needing to constantly look in the mirror trying to see what another person might see and never liking it. Now she only sees what she likes when she looks down her body, not even worrying about the mirror, and if she happens to glimpse her face in the computer screen or the mirror on passing, for the first time in her life she says she sees her own face now as it is, she expects to see and does see it, no longer a picture of someone else’s face she secretly thinks she looks like only to yet again be let down feeling utterly horrible for looking so ugly.
This being a huge healing for her. it’s phenomenal, it really is, it’s been the bane of her whole life ever since she can remember, so it’s been part of her for so long and now it’s not longer there. Incredible - amazing!
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Post by James on Jan 21, 2017 22:04:11 GMT 10
At the BB
I started at the BB - a native plant nursery some years ago volunteering one morning a week. There were many inconsistencies and oddities but as I knew nothing about how a nursery works and hearing Australian native plants were difficult, I put such things down to my inexperience. Then from May last year I started working there two days a week, and began to see how badly it was run, and really all from a lack of love for the plants themselves.
Along with a couple of other guys we wanted the place to thrive, so thought we were helping by trying to sort out all the problems, making suggestions as to how make things work better for the plants, asking questions as to why so often the seeds and seedlings weren’t getting the amount of water we thought they needed.
Then for me things came to head just before Christmas when it became clear that the woman running the place no longer liked me as she started to cut me out of doing certain things that she knew I loved doing, such as seed collecting, whilst including newer volunteers in such things.
Then over Christmas and taking an extra week off, with Marion I resolved so many things to do with myself, all of which the BB had been helping me to wake up to. There was my mother running the place, my grandmother being her top support who I couldn’t stand, and one of the guys being dad, all so loud and clear - extraordinarily so. It was just incredible how it all panned out.
So I decided to pull right back, to start afresh with the new year, even to the point of not knowing anything. And now I’m back in the ‘good books’. And I realised that my wanting to get thoroughly involved and being of help was not what I thought it was, being in fact no help whatsoever to these people because they were having to face and deal with their incompetency more and more, which I hadn’t understood. I was making them look at themselves by showing them up, all of which of course they didn’t want to see and so rejected me. Now I’m not doing any of that so they don’t feel threatened and we can all be friends, even though I hate them still, and they probably hate me. But at least I know how I can keep going there as I have to without causing as many ripples as I was.
And I decided that as I’m not trying to have a true relationship with them like I am with Marion, so I can do whatever to keep the peace, speaking about all that makes me feel bad back at home and not trying to change them so they will stop making me feel bad.
And this has all helped me to see more clearly my relationship with my family, realising that it was the same with mum. As a child I was pushing out into life making mum face inadequacies she didn’t want to know about. So she rejected me, making me change myself so I could fit into being able to harmoniously go along with her, destroying myself in the process.
So now as I am with ‘mum’, ‘dad’ and ‘Gran’ at work, this time around I’m able to see and feel it all happening, for as project onto these people I can see and feel how it was for me at home. It’s all happening in real time so to speak, the two realities, with the feelings being the same and connecting them.
And I can see how, as it’s the same with these people, my family wasn’t wanting to have a personal relationship with me. So we never truly connected. I grew up having anti relationships. We were in the same space but only talked about what we were doing, and didn’t do anything to try and sort out any personal difficulties we might have had with each other striving to have loving, good and true relationships. So I am totally alone, not wanting to link up, not wanting to even be interested in the other person, and actually resenting them. So it’s been hard with Marion having to bring all this out, as all she wants to do is link up and fully connect, and all I want to do is block her out and go the other way, doing all I can to not have a good relationship. And I can’t just leave her and be alone, because mum and Gran didn’t give me the space to do that, so I have to be with someone who I treat as if being with them, all of which is hurtful to Marion and makes me feel like such and unkind, unloving horrible person, exactly how I see the woman is at the BB with the plants.
So all her unlovingness I can see in her because I can see it in myself. And really it’s got nothing to do with her, it’s all only about me. I think, like mum thought, that I am loving and would look after the plants or children or whatever very well, but the truth is I wouldn’t because I can’t, because I wasn’t lovingly looked after so I don’t have any idea how to go about it or what it feels like.
So Im taking a real pounding lately as all this is coming to light. I feel like I’m being continuously smashed in the face for being such an uncaring arsehole who doesn’t give a fuck about Marion being only interested in myself. So many bad feelings and so much to see, admit and accept, because it’s all true. And instead of fighting it and saying no, I’m not mean; or, I don’t mean to be mean and uncaring, I am working to accept it about myself. YUK!
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Post by James on Jan 24, 2017 21:31:40 GMT 10
More of my unlovingness in my relationship with Marion
It’s been coming more to light how much I don’t actually want to have a close relationship with anyone. I think I do, believe I should, even believe I do with Marion, but the evidence coming to light through my actions belies my beliefs. For example:
The other morning on my way to the BB Marion asked me to check my phone later in the day before I left the BB just in case the parcel she was expecting happened to come a day early, as has happened before. Yes, no problem, I’ve done it before, and yet this time because I got sidetracked with other things I forgot, getting home not having checked for any messages. And worse was that I actually made a phone call and dismissed the messages because I’m always getting them about things to do with the phone I don’t understand, not even for one moment thinking one of the messages might have been Marion. I’d totally erased her from my life - she didn’t exist, argh the horrible truth! Forgetting about her and getting carried away with my self-interested stuff made me feel very bad, as it has done right through our relationship when I’ve done similar things, all showing the truth that really I don’t give a shit about her, being always only thinking about my own stuff, which are mostly fantasies and like an alternative reality I live in. She occupies the physical space with me, but I don’t connect and interact with her like a normal person would in just a friendship, let alone what’s meant to be a close intimate relationship.
Than this was further confirmed today in how I’m just not there like most normal people when it comes to being and doing what most normal people in relationships - how fucked I am and how shut off and far away I am from my true self.
I had been asked a few days ago if I would write a spiritual bio of myself and Marion, in which I mentioned that my mother was still alive. Then one of the men who’d asked me for it having read it called me to say that so far as he understood, from four other people he knew, mum had died sometime possibly around my birthday last year. And when he told me on the phone, instead of there and then telling Marion about what he said, which she picked up anyway, I thought I’d wait and tell her at the end, which later I realised was because I was trying to protect her, who was myself, from being shocked at the news. So unlike how most people would have acted in their relationship, I didn’t immediately tell her interrupting the phone call about such unexpected news. So Marion felt left out again, that I didn’t really care enough about her by making her my main focus and if anything were to happen affecting us both turning to her first instead of continuing on with this man and telling her later.
These sorts of things I’ve done all the way through our relationship which have of course shed light on my disfunction and how I don’t have the other person - Marion - as my next main focus after my own feelings. She is even pushed away, as in completely denied, all of which makes me feel like an utter uncaring arsehole who is full of shit pretending to care about her. So, yet again, there were masses of bad feelings to express, and I felt far worse about my unloving rejecting treatment of her than I did about my brother and sister not telling me about mum’s death.
And on the topic of her death, it was amazing that during the past six months I’d worked through my feelings to do with wishing she would die, as if her death would somehow release me from my shit and I’d no longer by bound up with her. To accepting that she has of course nothing to do with me now, it’s all about us back then, and so letting her go in as much as I didn’t care when she died, it no longer held any meaning for me.
And I’d also given up on hoping that I might get some sort of inheritance from her house being sold and divided between the three of us, to feeling that I didn’t care if I didn’t get any money because I felt I wouldn’t be getting any anyway. And although it only takes a couple of small paragraphs to write this, these things I’ve worked on throughout my Healing, all involving masses and masses of bad feelings and things for me to see about my relationship with mum and myself.
And so how did I feel on hearing the news? A little stunned, but not bad. I didn’t, or haven’t as yet, tomorrow might be different, felt angry at being completely rejected as I’d rejected them.
Then I felt good, so pleased that I didn’t have to go to Melbourne and deal with her will and sorting out stuff and doing whatever - I wouldn’t have gone to her funeral anyway. And that I didn’t have to see my brother and sister as I’d been thinking I would. And even with Nicholas I’d resolved only a few weeks ago that I no longer wanted to see him, to see how he was going with all his spiritual stuff, because having been given sudden access to some of his writings I could see how he was going, which wasn’t very far as I was concerned, and we didn’t have anything in common and that there was no chance he’d embrace my work nor would I think well of his. So I’d given up wanting to see him and now I feel like they have all gone, as if my whole family has died, and nothing has changed other than I’ve received a bit of news.
And I thought at first I should contact my brother or sister to at least confirm if it’s true and mum did die, and then to ask them why they didn’t tell me, but then as I expressed all those feelings and thoughts, discussing it all with Marion, I felt, na, there’s no need, I don’t care if she’s alive or dead. And as I don’t want to talk to them, as I wouldn’t anyway, so I’ll just let it go as it is. All of which I felt really good about. Even feeling really good about leaving ‘such an important’ thing as whether or not my mother had died, up in the air, not ‘seeking closure’ or any of that nonsense; and for me, not finishing it off, not having to do what I don’t want to do just to end it. No, to go the other way and leave it open, hanging in the air, and feeling like I don’t care, and I don’t need to wrap it all up and finished it off, and people will think I’m weird because ‘it’s your mother!’; that it’s exactly because it’s my mother who has shown me again with her death that she didn’t love me, didn’t care about me, didn’t give a shit, even though I rejected her. So she rejected me first and long ago and right from the very beginning which was why I was able to reject her, her death proving the point as is shown in my relationship with my brother and sister that they too were false and unloving and full of shit just as it was with her. Just as we all were, which is why I can’t have a true and loving relationship with Marion, because my relationships - how I relate, are full of shit, because I’m full of shit.
And I’m so glad the spirits didn’t tell me, and I’m not asking them for confirmation because it’s all the same, I don’t care. And mum is the last person in spirit I want talking with me, and until I somehow understand she is well on her way in her Healing, as with the rest of my family, we have nothing to talk about.
Also, this occurred to me today, which is obvious, but I am the complete opposite of what a Celestials spirit is. They are true and loving and I am untrue and unloving. They have perfect accepting and loving relationships with their soulmates, and I have a ‘perfect’ rejecting and unloving relationship. So all my imperfection is shown in the seven mansion worlds. So as I’ve said before, it’s a lot to heal. So as get nearer to the Celestial level of truth, so I am getting closer to understanding the whole truth of my wrongness, feeling it, accepting it and no longer rejecting it - as much.
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Post by James on Jan 30, 2017 21:43:01 GMT 10
The security of pain
The pain is back, good, the relief, as long as it’s not too bad, at least I feel more secure, the bad thing has happened, it’s over, I can cope with the pain, and in a way it’s even comforting, I even want it, and feel scared without, scared because that means the bad thing is coming again soon.
There’s a relief, ah, you don’t have to struggle anymore, you can give into it, nothing else is expected of you, you are sick, no one is going to pressure you into doing what you don’t want to do because you are sick. The sickness sets you free a little, free from some things, the bad things, not having to do what’s expected, even though it made you feel bad and placed restrictions on doing other things, being sick is the only acceptable way of getting out of things. It might have even bought you more loving and favourable attention, people being nicer and kinder for you, everyone feeling sorry for you, you’re not responsible anymore, you poor thing you look too sick, more positive attention instead of having to battle on alone in the world.
Sometimes I feel comfort, even like it’s a ‘safe place’ in my pain, in my yuk. Just accepting it, being it, nothing more I need to do. Even the thought of being well scares me, because then I’ll have to do things, be with people, and it’s too much, better to just stay where I am because at least I know I’m safe, sort of, here. Better to be with the monster so I can sort of live with it, learn to avoid it whilst keeping my eye on it, learn how to doge or take it’s blows, make sure that brick doesn’t suddenly come flying at my face, all so it doesn’t suddenly leap out surprising me, than it is to be oblivious and then next thing I know - WHAM! and I’m fucked.
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Post by James on Feb 11, 2017 22:25:31 GMT 10
Believe it or not but things are getting better...
These are yet more major changes about how Marion feels about herself, it all following on from what’s been happening to her for sometime now with her self-esteem growing.
Marion: It’s not about her actual physical looks, it’s about being consumed totally with the worry of what other people thought of her, in every way imaginable. Her main thing was her parents always looked at her with hatred and revulsion, so she always felt she was the ugliest creature on earth, and nothing she ever did was right. So when she looked in the mirror all she was looking at was this horrible creature that was all wrong in every way. And that has gone: I do not have that, I do not have that in me anymore, I do not have that as if I’m someone else looking at a horrible creature that is all wrong; I’m not looking at myself in my own mind in that way - the mirror being a way to look at herself, as if it was them looking at her. So she feels good about herself whether she looks in the mirror or not, she doesn’t feel she is a horrible thing anymore, she feels: yes, I’m fine, I look fine, I’m fine, nothing’s bad about me; no longer that horrible fear and dread that she’s disgustingly revolting and that’s how everyone sees her.
Marion feels so free being able to cut her hair whenever she wants to without feeling she is doing it for anyone else - without fearing she is going to be judged or approved of. It’s the first time in her life that she’s just doing it for herself, and she feels ecstatically happy about that.
And still the yuk keeps coming up: Today Marion hates everyone as she feels everyone hates her, however instead of feeling bad about that, today she feels good. It’s so freeing being able to fully hate and fully love, to not limit or restrict. Yet it’s so mad, we all want to be able to freely express all we want, we want freedom of speech, and so should allow all the horrible stuff to be said, and yet we all hate that and don’t want it, saying people are bad when they are mean, nasty - hate. So where is the real and true freedom?
Marion has always fought being able to freely hate because you are supposed to love and be loved by everyone, yet she’s the opposite, as she was hated by everyone and so hates everyone. She feels good about living being true to her feelings of hate, this being how she feels right now in this moment, which of course might change in the next. And I say that because should someone be reading this in a week, month, a years time, she will have no doubt changed and so might not be feeling the same hate or the same way about herself feeling it.
She doesn’t want to be liked by them (her parents) because she hates them, they are revolting, and if they liked her, she would be as revolting as they are. They are all bad, she is all good, and good doesn’t have to love the bad; she hates the bad, loving herself now, and not them.
She tried as hard as she could to make people like her: she had to give the best and most expensive presents, she had to be the most giving person, as she was so desperate wanting them to like her, so having to be the nicest person trying to make them like her. But now she’s stopped all that, so she can just do what she wants not worrying about being like that - about what the other person thinks of her. She is cutting her hair, a snip here and there almost every day, she’s hardly got any of it left, and she feels great about it, ecstatic that she can just do what she wants and doesn’t care what anyone else will think or say, not fearing their harsh judgement and criticism, nor needing their approval. It’s all about her own enjoyment in her freedom of doing as she pleases with herself, her parents never allowing her to do anything for herself, everything always having to have their sanction.
And it seems that society is now all about wanting to be liked, you do everything to be liked, and trying to make sure you don’t upset anyone so they won’t like you. The whole social media thing sending endless pictures of your half or even fully exposed breasts and how beautiful you are, always taking endless photos of yourself, all desperately needing the other person to accept and love and approve of you. And all along we fail to understand that not only do we not feel loved, but we’re constantly trying to get love from other people who themselves are not loving and are also desperately trying to feel loved. It’s all such a madness.
As is our obsession of pretending we are all-loving, as Jesus and God tell us to be. That we are to welcome everyone into our lives with open arms, somehow being able to magically accept all that they are, when most of how they are really pisses us off. But that just means you are the bad person for thinking that way, you are not being loving enough, so bury all those bad feelings, deny, deny, deny, put that smile on, take all those knocks, and: DON’T HATE.
So Marion has been trying to go the opposite way breaking it all down within herself, trying instead to allow herself to hate everyone when she feels such hatred. And that doesn’t mean she is now using her mind to purposefully hate everyone, but just to keep staying true to expressing her feelings when they are up in her.
I too hate my parents to the deepest depths of my soul, more so every day as I allow myself to feel such feelings, which is also going against all my programming and beliefs, one of which is that if I reject them entirely, then I will have nothing else, as there never was an alternative in my early life, only them. I didn’t have other more loving people I could go to, my parents were my whole existence, so if I hate it - them - then there is nothing and no one, not even myself; which also means, I hate myself. And to hate myself, means, I am the rotten horrible thing that should be go rid of, and I don’t want that because then I feel as bad as they made me feel when they hated me, and on and on it goes around and around with never any end in sight, it all just being too scary to deal with.
But as Marion is helping me see, really we all hate not being ourselves, and we do hate our untrue self because it is rotten and evil and yuk and ugly and all the worst things. And if we were normal and true, we’d not hate ourselves, nor would we need to pretend that we don’t hate ourselves, that we love ourselves.
So we are to hate the false, it makes us feel bad, and we hate feeling bad, all whilst we feel such feelings. We have to allow ourselves to hate, it’s a simple as that, going against all within us that stops us from having such unloving feelings.
I realised further about ‘Doing God’s Will’, which I now think is all part of the wrongness, the whole business of having to choose to do it or else. And that if we are true, then we are doing God’s will, just as nature is. Nature is doing God’s Will, it doesn’t have to make a choice, and so neither would we if we too were perfect in our Natural love. And then being of perfect Natural love, naturally and perfectly doing all God wants in our Natural love states, we can choose to become as God is - Divine, by embracing Their Divine Love. It all being simple and easy and what we’d feel naturally from our soul if we were living true to it, not needing our mind to make any monumental decision, as in choosing to live God’s Will.
I think the Evil One’s have used that ploy to make people believe they are wrong as they are, and to falsely believe you will be right if you choose to do God’s Will. So don’t do your will, only God’s, but the irony is you have to do your will to do God’s Will, how can it be any other way? We can’t just dismiss or erase our will and now we’re living God’s will, that doesn’t work, we have to always fully honour and express our will, and in doing so, which we will do once we’ve healed ourselves, then we’ll naturally be doing God’s will anyway.
The belief that we need to make a mental choice to live God’s will, or choose survival as The Urantia Book talks about, is just more mind stuff, more trying to give our minds more power over themselves.
If anything, we need to choose to stop being false, to liberate all our unexpressed feelings whilst seeking their truth, healing ourselves of all our mind control and rebellion against what is true and natural on the feeling level, and then long for God’s Divine Love, and that’s it, without all the worry about whether or not in each moment we are or are not doing exactly what God wants. And how can we not be doing what God wants, when God is in control of everything and has created us to be exactly as we are, even in our negative state. So in our rebellion we are still doing all God is asking of us, because God is making us rebel, but we can choose - which is also in reality possibly not a choice either but just the next feeling we feel that says we no longer want to be this way - to end being wrong. All through my Healing I’ve kept not wanting to be how I am, but also that too is keeping me from accepting all how I am. And when I fully accept how bad and wrong I am, then I change, then my soul frees me, so my real choice is to allow myself to be the horrible person I am, to allow myself to express all such unlovingness and without judgement, and in doing so, all the rest will naturally follow.
So the one Big Choice we need to make is: I choose to stop denying all that I am; and instead choose to set about accepting it as it comes to light through my ongoing bad feeling expression.
The past six months, as hard as they were at the Bush Bank, have helped me project all I needed to onto the people I needed to project onto, all so I could use them to help me see all the truth I needed to see about mum and dad. And now that I’ve seen it all, it’s fantastic being there, still seeing all the horror of what happens to the plants, still seeing how badly it’s run, and yet not caring one bit, no longer feeling dementedly angry about it and nothing being done to stop it. Now it can go on, and I can even on the superficial levels enjoy being with the same people I hated, knowing, I still hate those aspects in them, but not feeling bad or angry about any of it. Just being able to accept them for being as they are, and as we’re all fucked, so what! And feeling like complying rather than fighting - I don’t need to try and keep proving that I know something, that I’m important, that I know how it should be done, that I’m the smart one; I don’t need to keep trying to gain some power, Now I can just feel, and ever more amazingly, enjoy, my powerlessness being bossed here and there, being told to do things that totally contradict what I was told ten minutes before, and as if the first things I was told didn’t even happen, moving along in the madness, being part of it, but no longer feeling personally affected by it. And the other amazing thing is, the person I felt the most angry with was told to shut up about, has received other complaints, and so I am told, has, ‘been dealt with’; which no one will tell me what that means, but I no longer care as I’d resolved all my stuff to do with her anyway. It is so nice feeling now free of these people when only a month ago I felt so bound up with them and that I would never be free.
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Post by James on Feb 25, 2017 21:26:14 GMT 10
Staying with your feelings.
The woman at the BB makes me feel angry, she criticises the work the volunteers has done and I don’t think it’s right.
I talk about what she’s done that’s wrong, and how I think she should be, or at least how she should have gone about her criticism without making everyone feel like she doesn’t care about them. That she should express her anger and frustration nicely so as to not make everyone else feel bad, and not just slaughtering them.
Instead, as Marion says, I shouldn’t worry about her, it has nothing really to do with her, and just stay with my own feelings. I feel angry that I can’t have it how I want, that I can’t do it how I want, that my thing always gets changed and is not good enough. I feel rejected and unwanted, uncared about, because nothing I do, which is me, is not good enough; I’m not good enough, no one wants me how me I am, they will only have me if I change and be how they want me to be.
And carry on just feeling and straying true to myself, without getting caught up in my mind trying to work out what she was doing and why, and how she should change and be another way - how I want her to be. All with myself being just as controlling and conditional and unloving as she is. So if I just attend to myself, my own feelings, she doesn’t figure in it, so I can’t be unloving to her, and I can be wholly loving and supportive of myself.
And of course part of my feeling unwanted is feeling bad because no one wants me to express all my anger, pain and misery; telling me to shut up and stop going on about it, and as I can’t change the woman, shut up and just accept her how it is. And so yet more bad feelings to express, feeling so unloved. And by accepting these feelings I am being loving to myself, giving myself the very love that I’m feeling I didn’t get.
I find I can’t really write about our Healing anymore. I can’t exactly say what we’re going through. It’s more like working through every behaviour right down to the minutest level and seeing why we - why me mostly - does what I do and say, with Marion pointing out all the wrongness in me. And we go from one thing to another, and then over them again, always moving onto more incorrect things, continually adding to my picture of seeing how unloving my relationships were in my childhood. And still I am waking up, it’s taking a long time to un-program, as there is so much to see and it’s all interlocked. I can’t write about one experience of itself because it’s all part of the whole now, so you’d have to be here with us to see what I mean and all we’re going through.
So our Healing in this way is intensely private, I can’t share it; wouldn’t even begin to know where to begin, and can only talk generally about it, which I’ve done endlessly. It’s now all what we are going through together, hidden away from the world in our self-imposed isolation, which we’re feeling better about better about.
Broadly I can see where I’m changing; for example, a few months ago I was saying how much I enjoyed being with the people at the BB that I liked, now I feel bored to death with them and can’t bear how horribly we all treat each other whilst believing we’re all having a good time. And I used to enjoy how they spoke about their families, even the troubles they had, feeling like I was finally part of life, it being how everyone is, and being involved with them. Now I can’t stand it, and wish I never had to have anything to do with anyone. Always more bad feelings, always more to see and express and accept, and then change again, and onto the next lot to work through.
And Marion broadly for her part, suddenly wasn’t interested in her jewellery anymore, give it all away she said, doesn’t ware anything anymore, when six months ago she was covered in it. And the same with the perfumes that followed her jewellery needs, all she wanted was more and more different ones, then Youth Dew became her favourite, and now that’s even dropping away, and all the others, and perfume in general, she’s no that interested in anymore, it too having served its purpose.
She’s feeling ever better about herself, yet ever more that she can’t go out and relate to people as she doesn’t know how do. She wishes she could just stay true to herself with other people like she can now with me, but she doesn’t feel she can do that yet, so in the meantime, she wants to have nothing to do with anyone.
So I don’t really know what to write on the forum anymore. Just wait until perhaps other people might want to contribute who are doing their Healing. Quite a few people are reading my books and loving them and understanding the bigger picture, and that they need to do their Healing - one day, but that might be in spirit, it all being too hard for them now. And they are proof-reading my books, fixing up my English errors, something, and the only thing, that I’ve wished would happen. So that’s wonderful to be getting that help. And other than that, nothing else is going on other than Marion and I devoting every second to working through our stuff, which is what we’ve always done. And slowly I’m getting better at it, no longer needing as much prompting and helping understand things as I used to, But as she’s always pushing deeper, so still needing her help to take me deeper into myself following her, and see more of the micro or more of the subtleties involved. She can still confound me with her psychological understanding, especially when it applies to the intricacies of myself; and slowly I’m able to get my head around them, but it’s just not how I think, so it’s very difficult, like trying to learn another language, which for me was a no go, whereas for her, should she want to, I imagine would be easy.
A lot of people are going to be disappointed when they wake up to the truth of their denial and understand their whole Healing still lies ahead of them, and all that spiritual work they thought they’d done on themselves has mostly only added to their woes.
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Post by James on Mar 3, 2017 21:03:41 GMT 10
What’s the most opposite to being your soulmate you could get?This morning I had another ‘landmark’ healing experience. I had a great two days with two young girls at the BB this week, they helping me understand yet more of how much I missed out on, and how insecure, scared and disconnected with my feelings I was at their age, and how nothing changed as I grew older. Then I had an equally insightful dream shedding more light on my relationship with mum, which boiled down to questioning everything that I’ve written, done and seen through my Healing Years with Marion. Have I made it all up; am I wrong in it all; is mum right after all; are people like Jenny and Maryanne at the BB right in how they view life, that being as mum does, and am I wrong? And then in discussing it all with Marion, she said, which I’ve touched on before, that I unconsciously believe mum is my soulmate. And with mum saying such things as: “You won’t be able to survive with me; you will always need your mother; your mother is always right - you’ll see; and even if you do leave me, you’ll come back, you won’t be able to get away, we’re in separable, you can’t leave me - I won’t let you”, all the manipulative shit when I was very young, I could see I’ve turned into wrongly believing that I can’t exist without her, and everyone else in the world is scary and will only throw bricks in my face, so I’d better behave myself and stay with her. That I can’t leave my mother; that she is the only one who really and truly loves and understands me. So effectively saying, you and I are to be together for always, we’re soulmates, so it doesn’t matter if you reject me or what I do to you, because we’ll end up together anyway. And as I fully accepted that in fact I do think somewhere deep inside me, as much as I want to run away and reject the hideous thought, that it might be true, that I might believe mum and I are soulmates, or at least inextricably linked to each other, I instantly hurked into the kitchen sink, dry retching and emotionally throwing up with the horror of it. So here I am with Marion - and what if we are soulmates, and yet I can’t openly connect with her because really I believe I can only be with mum? And so if mum is my soulmate, then that goes against everything that I’ve come to believe through my Healing, and if it’s true, then all she did to me to make me feel unloved is all right and good and even loving. Talk about a complete mind-fuck, having it all turned around, even just to consider it, as I don’t believe any of it to be true. And that all helped me to understand that really if Marion and I are soulmates, then of course the greatest denial we could live would be the complete rejection of each other, for each of us to be with someone else. And if we were wanting to run away from the truth of our wrongness, that is what would have happened, we’d not have even come together in the first place, or even if we did, we’d have soon separated. But instead we have chosen to stick it out, so bring to light all our unlovingness with each other, so be true to our yuk and be as unloving as we feel to ourselves and each other, all whilst knowing we are doing it so as to bring it all out of us and to see what we feel and understand about it all. So doing the opposite of running way from our bad feelings. So the evilness is about destroying all relationships of truth and love, and of course, the ultimate ones - soulmates. And as we can see it in our own fucked up relationships, so we also it with our relationship with God, where God is ONLY the Father, Jesus only speaks about the Father, there is no Mother, there is no SoulMate Pair who is God, all because we’re not allowed to relate to Them properly. So destroy all relationships, destroy the relationships we are to have with our mother and father; we can’t have any true relationships in the Rebellion and Default, that being how we’re all kept apart from each other and kept in our untrue states. And so what is my worst untruth, not only destroy any chance of having a true relationship with my soulmate, but trying to convince me that my own mother, the one who terrorised me the most, is my soulmate. Fuck me, it couldn’t get any worse, it’s so bad. It’s like saying that we are be united with the Devil forevermore, that there is no escape, marry ourselves to Lucifer and Satan, that Lucifer or Satan is our soulmate, or the true soulmate pair, them with their partners, we should all look too, for look at how good their relationships must be, to be able to remain together having rebelled, what sort of shit must they tell each other so as to keep up the front of being ‘lovingly’ united. And it must be the same sort of shit my parents told each other, deluding themselves they were ‘in love’; the same sort of shit I told myself I felt about my girlfriends, about Marion, about everyone I’ve liked. When it’s all shit, it’s all rotten, vile, full of anger and lies. All made up, all wrong, all nothing but a pile of shit. So I want to stick it out with Marion just to go past what is normal, no one understands, everyone would think we were mad remaining together telling each other every day how much we don’t love each other, how much we wished we had someone we did love, someone who was basically the opposite of the person we’re living with. But we both want to take it right through to the end and see what happens, see if do remain together after it all, or whatever else is in store for us. But again it sure is not anything I thought I’d be living in a so-called loving relationship. Some love.... or perhaps it’s an even greater love, to be able to ‘love’ one another when you are both rejecting and rebelling against each other and all that love is. I don’t know... still more Healing to do, more to find out. But it helped me fuck mum off more, I only have to think along the lines of she being my soulmate and I want to jump off the nearest cliff. Another ‘interesting’ series of thoughts I had the other day. I don’t know if I can take this seriously, but I want to write it anyway and see how it plays out. In looking back over my life I can see certain patterns within seven years - for example: Around seven my adjuster arrived Fourteen: I started masturbation - sexually mature Twenty-one: I got seriously into sex, longer term girlfriends, and trying to have a career Twenty-eight: my ‘career’ ended, the spiritual stuff started - First Divine Love world; I gave up the fantasy woman of my dreams, she was already married and started having children with her husband. Thirty-five: I got serious with Marion and the Healing - Equal to the third Divine Love world. Forty-two: Fifth Divine Love world Forty-nine: Seventh Divine Love world Fifty-six: which is in a couple of months time - Celestial attainment - finishing my Healing??? What then happens during the next seven years - First Celestial sphere? Next seven the next Celestial sphere and so on? The only problem with this is I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near finishing my healing. However looking back, I can see roughly that my Healing years could be divided up as I’ve written. Marion can’t apply any such cycles, she isn’t about the mind like I am. But I’m sure even with her, as I’m sure it’s the same with us all, the cycles will be there if you knew where to look.
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Post by James on Mar 9, 2017 20:55:40 GMT 10
Marion has finished... something
Marion had her birthday on Monday the 6 March, 66 years old, and leading up to it she kept feeling like she was finishing something to do with her Healing. Then on Monday she felt like she had finished it, however she doesn’t want to go so far as saying she’s finished ALL of her Healing, but she feels, and the feeling has stayed with her so far getting stronger, that she is no longer false. So she is wholly true. And for me being the observer, she has significantly sharpened up lately, if I can put it like that, being far more astute and on the case for anything that is untrue. So I’ve come under the microscope of her scrutiny with anything I do and say that is false being highlighted instantly, helping me to go ever deeper into myself.
So as usual, it’s been for me quite a harrowing time of late, with today being the first reprieve for a couple of weeks, though feeling better for all I’ve been through.
She says that she feels she doesn’t want to have anything to do with the world because it is false. She doesn’t want to go out into it because she doesn’t know how to be in it, how to relate to anyone, how to be her true feeling self that she is with me at home with other people, not wanting to revert back into her old ways, which if she is free and healed of such things, shouldn’t be there anyway. However we won’t know for some time because she is adamant that if she can keep having a say in it, she is not going out ever again.
She says that she doesn’t care about the world, it has nothing to do with her, it has nothing for her other than the few things that she needs that I can get for her; that she simply finds herself now in this situation in which she is anti it as it is anti her, and as she can’t relate or connect with it at all. So she is waiting until something else happens to move her on into spirit where she can possibly relate to some spirits there; or if not, then just more of the same that she’s in now.
So far it’s just a very nice feeling within her that she is no longer false. No big event, nothing like suddenly all her physical problems have been magically fixed, so it might be just another level she’s finished off within herself, with yet more to come, so time will tell.
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Post by James on Mar 14, 2017 18:38:45 GMT 10
Today I can feel the devastation of myself deep within me. All my pain and suffering of not feeling love. And I am pouring food down into the unquenchable fire in pit, trying to quell the agony inside me.
A baby crying in its pusher is slowly pushed along the road outside, it’s hot today and we’ve got all the windows open. Its crying is me crying, all that horrible crying, endless crying, endless misery and pain, all my suffering.
And I’ve tried pouring the Divine Love into me to quell the pain, but that didn’t work either, nothing works other than my keeping on bringing it out.
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Post by James on Mar 18, 2017 19:42:20 GMT 10
I’m angry with my shit, I’m at war with them - my parents, which really now is at war with myself. The false self they made me be is angry at all the misery, fear and anger I feel is still deep within me. I wish I could just dig down and dig it out. If I can throw it out, then I am done with it, and I will be okay.
Whereas Marion is not at war with herself. She just works at accepting all she feels about herself, understanding all of her is in pain and suffering and is full of fear, misery and anger, and works at expressing it all as she was never allowed to when growing up. She is sympathetic to herself, always feeling sorry that she is suffering so much, never feeling angry with herself for always feeling bad.
And in speaking with her more about this, I realised that I can reach out to the poor me who I’m really wanting to crush, as they crushed me, and instead of being angry with it and fighting against it, I can accept it, as it is me, and I can too can now feel sorry for it - myself, feeling more sympathy for myself, and not so much wanting all that yuk to be ejected from me, but to be with it, close to it, holding it, the young bad feeling me in my arms and saying it’s okay to feel all that fear, misery and anger, and that it’s right that you do and you don’t have to try and make it go away.
So as I ‘dig’ deeper into myself, really I am is just accepting myself more as all my repressed yuk comes to light. So at night when I feel the deep pain in my hip, the agony of it that I can’t express, and then during the day when I feel anger and fear in my mouth and gums, the grinding and pressing of my jaw together trying to relieve the stress, instead of getting angry with myself for feeling these things as I’ve done all that over the years, now I can just work at accepting that it’s right that I am this way, and that it’s okay, still expressing all I feel and longing for the truth of such feelings, but being kinder to myself, treating myself the opposite of how they treated me.
So I’m not trying to dig out my yuk anymore, and instead are allowing it to be there and to just feel it and express the feelings that come up in me - just trying to be true to it, true to my misery, anger and fear, instead of trying to block it out by thinking I can dig it out and banish it forevermore.
This morning after talking with Marion about my lack of being angry with my parents, being angry with everything and everyone else but them, I feel I’ve since shifted my anger to them. And I feel very angry with them, I’ve felt furious all day, expressing my anger until I’ve got a sore throat, and now at least I want to blast them and no one else. The people have left their dog alone again and it’s barked all afternoon and is still barking this evening, and the anger coming up in me is my not only wanting to slaughter them, but also mum and dad, so it’s helping me drive into them with my anger, feeling like I’m back with them, angry with them for all they are doing to me, telling them to shut the fucking dog up, to shut the fuck up themselves.
And it’t taken me so long, so many fucking years to get to this point, because all of my yuk and wrongness has been about deflecting mum and dad, not blaming them directly, even though my whole Healing has been focusing me more to blaming them and understanding they are the root cause of all my problems and bad feelings. But finally today I feel I am fully focused on them, all day, for the first time, and I feel like I’m never going to let up, they can have it all back, all I should have been able to give to them, all my rage.
Also as I said above, I’ve been able to feel sorry for myself all day too, feeling so angry and sorry for myself having such anger because I had such shit parents. And I’ve been seeing examples of younger people who are full of vitality, wanting to give everything a try, we had lovely 10 and 12 year old sisters at the BB who were so enthusiastic, bursting with zest and vitality to do it all, which they could easily do and did so well. They were a joy to be with, and showed me just how fucked I am, how much I’ve missed out on in life, how all my vitality has been drained because I was made to be scared of everything and everyone. So now I’m so angry they kept me down so much, I’ve never felt full of energy, happy and willing to give everything in life that comes along a go. I just wanted to hide away. I’ve always wanted to keep myself drained of energy because I’ve always feared, as I was made to fear, that if I did let all my angry out, then I’ve fucking kill them all. Now I’m killing them every moment as my anger is slaughtering them in my mind and feelings as they slaughtered me. And it feels good.
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Post by James on Apr 1, 2017 21:57:37 GMT 10
Saturday, 1 April 2017
Marion says she’s now gone one step further in that she completely loves every part of herself, even her remaining yuk parts. She has NEVER spoken this way about herself - she’s always degraded and put herself down feeling like she’s the worst and lowest slime on the planet. So this is a 100 percent turn around. And the best part with her is that she doesn’t make anything up, never lies, never contrives anything, not that she’d want to do so with something as important as this - so this is for real. She even said I can put this out there and tell you Sam.
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Post by James on Apr 17, 2017 11:45:37 GMT 10
Pain up my bum
This is one of the strange things that happens to me, and I want to write about in case other people have similar or other weird things, it all being part of my Healing. The thing happens occasionally, having started a few years ago.
I wake up in the middle of the night, go to the toilet, then just after I’ve settled back in bed ready for sleep to come, I feel a deep dull pain inside my anus, like about a couple of inches inside. Then the odd thing is the pain starts moving, it used to move around in an anticlockwise direction, now it’s all over the place, and it works its way deeper into me getting sharper and more painful, then moving up out, all the time making me feel so scared, and so much fear that when it first happened I wanted to run away, as if by jumping out of bed and putting clothes on and dashing out into the night, the movement and focus on other things will make it go away, or I’ll do the other things until I goes naturally away, which it does after about twenty minutes to half an hour.
The pain reaches apex, and then eases gradually to bliss with the relief when it’s over. And over the years I’ve learnt to go with it, that so far it hasn’t been so bad as to be unbearable, and I try to talk out in my mind and submit to the fear as much as I can without waking Marion or being able to speak out loud as I’m also half asleep.
It feels like my bowel is twisting, however it also doesn’t feel like it’s physical, that the pain is something going on in my base chakra as parts of it need to be moved around (put back into their rightful place?) so as to bring up more of basal fear. And then over time I feel like it is helping to unlock my deepest fears, and just fear, and loads of it, all I associate with feeling in the womb and as a very young baby, mum continually scaring me.
Then the last one the other night, it wasn’t a nice orderly pain as usual, which I see as a red ball moving around through my base chakra, it was quite different. I went to bed with very cold feet, which happens when I’m at the computer too long getting too cold at night, as they nights are cooling down now. And my feet wouldn’t warm up in bed. Then having come back from the toilet, there was the dreaded pain again, dull and starting, growing in intensity, and then this time if felt like there was huge rip inside me, from my bum right down to my feet, and the moment the tear reached my feet, all the coldness left them rushing up out of me through out my sort of bum area, as none of it by then was I able to relate to physically. Then the pain died down and I want back to sleep.
Marion doesn’t have any of these etheric or more subtle body feelings, her aches and pains are all physical or like a headache - a pain in her head. I also have masses of physical aches and pain, however not so many headaches as she has, which now she hardly has any anymore which is incredible considering for years before she met me and years into her Healing with me she had them almost constantly.
And when I ask the Mother and Father, Bob or the spirits or angels, what is going on, what’s this up-me-bum pain all about, they all the same thing, that my pain, like all my pains, are just ongoing adjustments of my system, all resulting from the ongoing liberation of my repressed feelings and the breaking of my beliefs that keep them in place.
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Post by James on May 5, 2017 21:43:19 GMT 10
Marion said that if she were now to look at having a new intimate relationship with someone, that she would look at him in terms of, is he how I would like him to be, with her greatest emphasis being on can he express himself fully - all his feelings. Instead of how she’s always gone into a relationship trying to fit in with the man, trying to be how he wants her to be, trying to be how she thinks he would want her to be. So it’s no longer all about what he, the other person wants, doing all she can so they will love and accept her, but all about what she wants to feel good, happy and loved.
This a huge about-face for her. And she feels so good about it. She also said she now feels ready to meet her soulmate, she finally knows what she wants in a relationship.
Still every day she’s feeling better about herself, so many little bits of her have changed, are changing, all adding up to her feeling happy. Happy, I mean, this is huge for a person who has never felt happy with herself and in her life. Now she does, and more so every day.
And when she feels bad, so quickly upon expressing her bad feelings, do they go, and she feels even happier.
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Post by James on May 8, 2017 21:27:11 GMT 10
Marion still can’t get over the fact that she no longer cares what she looks like. She keeps saying it about a hundred times a day, she keeps thinking she should care, doing things which she would have done because she always worry about it, only to think no, I don’t want to do that, I don’t need to do that, I don’t care anymore. WHOOPPIIEEE! What a good feeling.
She helped me feel that really I have been doing my Healing by default. I’m not like her or you Sam able to power along in it myself, as I’ve needed her constant help. And this morning feeling unloved again, I could feel that she’s right in that I can’t speak, I don’t know how to, I can’t speak about my feelings, the best I can do is a little bit of moaning and groaning, but they completely shut me down to my feelings and expressing them so I need someone else’s constant help to do what little I can. And she said I have to get to the point which she and you Sam got to where you wanted it above all else, and it was all you could do because there was nothing else. And as soon as I try to open my mouth to express how bad I feel, then it’s like a huge mountain of NO YOU CAN’T comes down upon me, stopping me. So I didn’t speak much, I went in, introverted, hiding in my mind, making things up to amuse myself, fantasising, scared to speak out, only speaking about safe subjects like even about all this to do with the Healing, but not just rushing out my feelings like you do Sam. So I’m sitting here in this place feeling all of this, thinking, yes, Marion’s right about it, that’s how I am, but how am I ever going to kick start it taking it fully into my own hands...
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Post by James on Jun 11, 2017 21:49:30 GMT 10
I had a dream in which I felt so scared and humiliated. Then the bank hadn’t paid our rent on the due date today and instantly I was plunged back into the intense fear of the dream. I felt panic struck to the core of me. I tried to express my fear the best I could, ending up feeling connected with my nail biting and how I use it to hide my fear and the terrible trauma of feeling so panicked by it that I’m in all the time.
Then later I realised why I can’t be precise, why I prefer being messy compared to Marion, which is that being precise got me into trouble - everything got me yelled at. And I could feel how panicked I feel about putting the knife up against the wall where we keep it in the kitchen, I couldn’t push it close against the wall because that is too precise, and they will yell at me because it’s harder to pick it up when it’s hard against the wall. Whatever I do they say no to, that I am wrong, to stop, all of which has scared me off them and life. So I want to stay away, alone, do everything myself, never ask for help, never involve the other person, never even going too near them. I can’t make my tea if Marion is making hers, we can’t do it together, I have to wait until she is well out of the way because as soon as I go near her or she comes near me, I will stuff up whatever it is I am doing, and she - who is mum - will yell at me, so locked am I in my early child state.
And then I could feel how love-less I am. I have not felt loved so don’t have any love in me and certainly no love to give. I got a few cuddles when I was a baby by mum’s only friend, another woman with her baby my age. So I desperately want the ‘woman’ to come and hug me, really to pick me up and love me by hugging me, which is what I did with my girlfriends, clinging to them, only wanting hugs and sex, not really wanting to speak. It wasn’t about having relationships to connect with and get to know the other person and to love them and feel loved by them, it was only about trying to get a little affection that I craved. And so love, what the hell is love - I have no idea.
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Post by James on Jul 16, 2017 21:03:16 GMT 10
I've been sick...
I’ve been sick these past three weeks, with acute bronchitis. It started with a large red spike being driven into the middle of my head during my sleep. It didn’t hurt going in, but gave me a very bad headache, which went after I fell back to sleep. I sort of see these images in my mind, it wasn’t a real spike, more like an etheric one. Then two days later the cold began, more misery, bad coughing which hurt my head. And during the night unable to sleep I was taken, shown, a baby being slammed down hard hurting the back of its head, and I felt that was me. And coughing felt like I was being axed in the back of my head, becoming unbearable over the next few days so I relented and went to the doctor for pills. The next day whilst talking about it all made me cry, something I have found very hard to do. I felt and saw more to how badly mum treated me, hitting me and nearly strangling me, knocking me about, trying to shut up my crying, and being told by the Mother that I’d been near death numerous times. Then later a red angry etheric rod came up out of my chest, seeing it in my minds eye as I was coughing and hurking and nearly turning myself inside and out pounding my head to bits in the process, with words saying: It’s Over, said in my mind. Then endless misery, and days of recuperation, feeling physically ratshit, utterly devastated, fucked, and connecting finally with my early life. The head banging was the ‘missing link’ and now I feel I have the continuity from conception right the way through my childhood to becoming an adult. How badly and unloving I was treated, how it fucked me up so much, how I shut it all out pretending that I loved them and was all right. I’ve now stripped all that pretence away, and I feel really good that I’m more on top of my bad feelings, able to get into expressing them and seeing their truth without needing Marion’s help as much. I still feel sick and fucked, sill more misery, fear, anger and feeling very powerless, still seeing more truth about how it was for me back then, but also feeling better within myself. I am now far more accepting of my fuckedness, and I am not resisting it anymore, and I am happy to let it all crush and kill me if that’s the way for me, which is all very well, all so long as it doesn’t hurt my head like it did, for then I shall weaken and be off to the doctor again. I feel I am myself as the baby and little boy that I was, that there is no time separation, I can feel myself as I was back then at any time that I focus on, and I can feel all the bad feelings I felt then but which I wasn’t aware of and blocked out. I feel so much more connected with myself, and true to my yuk self, but still a long way from connecting truly with Marion or anyone else. The Mother was in my mind throughout it all, coming closer into it, more into my normal daily mind with every day that passed. Now I can effortlessly talk and converse with Her, and the Father although He is staying more in the background. She has also moved to being on the left hand side of my mind, and I feel really good about all of that, although it’s bringing up other problems to deal with because of the ease of it, I wonder if indeed it is Her or just my mind making stuff up, the usual dilemma. And I feel less and less do I want to post on the forum, the very opposite to how I imagined I’d be, yet that’s in keeping with everything through my Healing, it all being the opposite to how I’ve thought. I thought the better I felt the more I’d want to write about the good, but the better I feel the less I want to write. Marion is still feeling better and better about herself, her plunges into her yuk are almost violent in their intensity and passion, yet now very short lived, before she’s back feeling good about herself again. I have not been at work and it’s been really good to just be sick with Marion and do nothing but feel all my bad feelings, moving with them, expressing them, seeing the truth that’s been coming to light. We both feel we’ve had enough of our Healing and wish would could die and go into spirit, we’re tired and fed up with it all, but there’s nothing we can do about it other than keep going.
I’ve also been doing a lot of writing with spirits for John Doel, he has a lot of family who are doing or have done their Healing, and they have been very forthcoming telling us what’s going on in spirit. And some of the interesting points are that the Celestial spirits have been allowed to shut down the interfering mind spirits, who as a result are in disarray as to what to do now that that they can no longer keep working their negative controlling agenda upon humanity. This being allowed to happen because of the supposed changes taking place resulting from people doing their Healing and the end of Mary’s and Jesus’ age and the, so they reckon, beginning of the next Spiritual Age. So this is all preparation for all of that. And the Celestials have now full control themselves over humanity, which up until now they’ve not been allowed to have, not being allowed to interfere or support people because of having to give over to the mind spirits. But the Celestial soulgroups are now well in command of everything, helping humanity work toward the end of Mary’s and Jesus’ age, which means things will end as we they are, but how and when that will happen they have not said. But it means all the corruption and hidden control will come to light and end, or at least get messed up because there is no more coordination from the mind spirits. So in the next few months to a year, and then for quite a number of years, increased pressure is supposedly being brought to bear on the hidden controlling parties and individuals of the world, showing them up and ending such control. It sounds nice and waits to be seen. However they also said that none of it will make any sense to those not in the know, so the average person won’t have any idea as to what’s really going on, but that doesn’t matter as it’s all what needs to happen to end the Rebellion and Default and usher in the truths of the Healing. That people are to be offered in one way or another the truth of how to Heal themselves, as it will be up to humanity to decide what it wants to do with such truth, both on an individual level and on a group or collective level.
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