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Post by James on Jan 31, 2016 22:27:13 GMT 10
Yesterday. Marion says she feels even better, more love for herself than for her crystal jewellery. And even though her body is making it even harder for her to do anything, her back has just gone again and breathing hurts, still she even likes that because it’s stepping in and stopping her from being how her parents demanded her to be, and as she couldn’t stop herself being that way, now her body is making her stop. And she loves everything about herself, even her life, even her not wanting to go out having stayed inside except for filling up the birds bowls a couple of times, for five weeks, hating and not wanting to have anything to do with the people-world. She still feels bad and unloved and complains about my fucked relationship with her as still I can’t connect properly or remember hardly anything she says or things we’ve done together, my brain is losing the plot completely, but all of it she feels good about because it’s all helping her get to where she wants to go - to becoming true to herself. She feels she is so much truer than she was, hardly untrue at all anymore. So as she is loving herself more each day, I’m hating myself and everything and everyone more each day. But as she said, she’s always hated herself, I’m just starting to really allow myself to feel those feelings.
Today. These are just a random bunch of thoughts I wanted to jot down. I’ve not thought to deeply about them, they might not make much sense - and I don’t care. I’m feeling rather apathetic about everything, the spiritual stuff, myself and my healing - life and existence. Once you start really giving in and it becomes just too hard to keep fighting against it, trying to make yourself feel happy; and when you feel just how crushed your spirit is, and feel how you can’t do anything really to help yourself other than keep trying to bring out your feelings; when it feels all just too hard... what’s the point. So that’s how I’m currently feeling about the truth. I’m sure there’s something important on what I’ve written below, but who cares, and does it really matter? Does any of what I’ve written over the years really matter? And what if it’s all nonsense anyway - spiritual nonsense? - I liked the irony of my blog title, I wonder if anyone else did? We all know the feminine is suffering and all we think is good in the mother is as we discover, torture, that all we thought was love is hatred. So I’ll read thought it once, correct any errors that stand out, and then bung it out there on the forum. Why not. I’ve got nothing else to do.
The denial of the right Mother and celebration and worship of the wrong mother.
We celebrate mother Mary, the wrong Mary, not Mary Magdalene. We worship our own mothers, they can do no wrong, and they remain the boss right to the end with all power. We can’t leave them, they are the right ones we are not as good as them, not until we become a mother, yet still all under the shadow of our own mother.
We deny the Heavenly Mother. We deny our own feminine, we deny our feelings.
We worship and celebrate only the physical looks of the woman, her big tits, sexy legs. We pretend we love forthright and confident women, all so long as they are not bossy. They have to be motherly, nice and uncomplaining - not demanding.
Marion is so thin I don’t how she doesn’t just break. When I think of denial of the woman, denial of the feminine manifest as a woman, and I look at her, I can see she’s almost denied out of existence. She is still here alive on Earth, but with the most meagre of existence. She is almost nothing, and certainly a no-one. And all the things about herself she’s been afflicted with, hating every aspect of her being, and particularly her physical body. Yet lately as she’s been feeling better, loving and more accepting of herself, she’s changing in her relationship with herself. This evening for example she said she could go outside showing her thin arms, she wouldn’t care if people said things about her, even told her to go away and not come back, this being what she expects. But she no longer feels bad about them being skinny and the skin droopy, it is how she is, and too bad if people don’t like her that way. And if they want to banish her, stone her for being so ugly, run her out of town, stop her from existing, then so be it, it’s not as if she could stop them.
They could even nail her up on a cross (burning her at the stake would be too easy a way out, and she’s not witchy enough for that, she doesn’t have any psychic abilities or anything like that) and it wouldn’t matter to her anymore because that’s what her parents did to her, she’s on their cross, she’s never been allowed down off it, she’s had to struggle on living life from up there, all alone, with no one caring about her, no one caring how she’s feeling, no one wanting to know her. But at least she now feels good about being stuck on it, as good as one might be able to feel having nails run through your body causing you endless pain. And she can at least speak her feelings now, even if there is no one there wanting to listen.
And her relationship with herself and herself in life as we understand all stems from her parents, they treated her as if she didn’t exist, that she was a nothing no-body to them. Her father saying: who asked you; no one wanted to hear what she had to say, they weren’t interested in her as a person, she was only a servant having to obey their demands.
So her parents denied her existence. She was there, just as she still is here on the world, but none of it is for her, just as nothing was for her at home. No one was there for her, she couldn’t express her feelings, no one wanted to know what she felt or thought. And yet she couldn’t die, the Mother and Father took her a couple of times close to the edge but she was always forced back. So still she just seems to be here.
For the last year I have looked at every day with her as being the last. I expect her to disappear at any moment, but also that it won’t be that easy, that she will continue to deteriorate getting physically worse and in more pain and it will be a terrible long drawn out agonising ending. And then again, who knows, but she might just keep going, on and on as they years pass, expressing herself more freely each day, even feeling better about herself whilst still being wracked with aches and pains.
If I were to look for someone to represent the denial of the feminine I would start with her, then see how she’s bringing it all to light within herself, bringing up and expressing out of herself all the pain of it. And then I would look to myself and my inability of being able to express my feelings, and how bound into the women in my early life I was, unable to express my feminine whilst pathetically sort of being a man. The women in my early life being dictatorial and supper bossy, all the wrong way a true woman would be, with my mother thinking she looked like every-mans dream and only wanting out of life to be taken up by the rich good-looking one of her dreams. Nothing humble about her, full of her own self-importance and yet also shitting herself, continuously nervous and neurotic.
Together we express the denial of the feminine and the patheticness of the masculine who was made to live under women who believed they had control. Neither of us grew up in a man’s world to be the dominator of women or the woman who can survive and thrive under such masculine rule and oppression.
We’re both too fucked, and really having been put through the wringer by our healing and the lives the Mother and Father have wanted us to lead; have all but given up now, we don’t want to be here, we don’t want to be part of it any longer. We’ve never felt part of it, it’s not for us, it doesn’t make us feel good, no one wants us or cares if we go so far as our families are concerned. And all we want is to be true, to be Celestials. And if we have to remain here on Earth, then at least to be true and Celestial in flesh - however that might be. Nothing else is what we want. The crystals and nature and other little moments of amusement provide a modicum of relief, but mostly it’s only about working on ourselves.
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Post by James on Feb 5, 2016 21:19:16 GMT 10
More about our relationship
Through Marion’s and my relationship I think I’m coming to understand, which is mostly with and because of her help, that we are working towards having a truly untrue relationship, solely composed of whatever feeling we feeling in the moment. So what’s a ‘truly untrue’ relationship - that does make any sense?
So we understand that we’ve both grown up in fucked and very untrue relationships, so we’ve turned out fucked and untrue. Then we came together, more on my side, wanting to be happy and loving of each other, so really, wanting good feelings to wash away all the bad ones - which is understandably what most people have relationships for, so they can enjoy, love and be happy with each other, not wanting them to make them feel bad.
Okay, so understanding that we came together trying to create a fantasy-love picture full of pleasant, happy, enjoyable feelings, now I realise how deluded I was. And as she is pointing out, we should actually be looking at our relationship as an expression of our hatred of each other based on the hatred we have of ourselves, all which comes from the hatred our parents had for us. So who in their right mind comes together saying: oh this will be really bad, we can be together hating each other, we can be with the very person who makes us feel the worst about the other person, we can be with the most anti-fantasy person we can be; and hey, I know, how about picking the person who is the most like our parents, yes, that surely would be the worst relationship you could have! So that’s about what Marion and I have done without understanding that’s what we were embarking upon.
So we don’t love each other, we hate each other, but it’s not as simple at that either. When we’re in our deep yuk fighting ourselves, our parents and each other, we do hate each other, but then when that eases off, we still hate each other, it’s not a case of let’s make up to each other now we’re friends again and we like and love each other; no, it’s simply we are still untrue, still not loving, still as we were when we were yelling at each other wanting to leave and find someone else who does love us, yet also feeling all right about continuing on, even in a little way getting on with each other in our truer understanding of how bad we are and how unsuited we are, yet still having to be together.
So we’re together out of no-love and mostly can live with the hate - yet is it really hate? I don’t know, I don’t think I know what anything is anymore. I feel so battered around, the last few days having been harrowing together. Anyway we are trying to be true to how we feel, so when we don’t like each other in that moment, then that’s how we feel, if we do, then we feel that, and there is no bigger picture to our relationship, we’re not an ‘item’ and the marriage thing is really meaningless, it’s just the two of us slogging our way through our shit moment by moment in the feelings, going this way and that; and if we remain together, we do, if not, we won’t, but there’s no planning or trying to predict or make it be a certain way or trying to adjust or adapt ourselves using our mind. And it’s not about whether we are loving or not loving, it doesn’t matter, we are just together in this moment doing our healing, that which we think and call is our healing, that being trying to bring up and not hold back on any of the bad feelings, saying it all to each other, no matter how mean, ugly, hurtful or upsetting - no matter how unloving, and seeing what happens.
And we know we’re really saying all the bad things to our parents who we see in the other person, but still it’s possible we are also saying such things to each other, but we can’t even know that because we’ve still got our parents all mixed up in there with us. So we’re not even having a pure relationship together, just the two of us exploring our feelings about each other, we’ve got a the whole dam mixed up demented lot, our parents and grandparents, our brothers and sisters, uncles and aunt and teachers and possibly other people like those from books and the television who also contributed to our forming and untrue ways all in there with us. It’s a very crowed house with only the two of us living in it.
So my whole idea about what a close intimate relationship is, is changing, especially one based on existing solely for the healing. So as I’ve said before, it’s a ‘healing-relationship’ we’re having, but whatever that is, is anybody’s guess. And the only thing I know is it’s nothing like any of my prior relationships were, either in and with my family or girlfriends and friends. But it is a relationship, and a very intense one, one in which we are constantly pulling ourselves apart, constantly dissecting our personality expression and how that impacts upon the other person, all being done by attending to our bad feelings.
My healing has now moved more into what I would call, were I to call it anything: full time personality-expression circuit rectification. If there are such things as personality circuits that connect us all with life, God, nature and each other, and these are what we’re constantly evolving with truth, or seeing the truth of as we evolve in expressing our personality more with our feelings driving the whole business of our soul expressing its personalities in Creation, then having brought to light so much of my repressed misery, sadness, hurt, fear, anger and pain, and having seen the beliefs and resulting behaviour that’s kept it all buried within me, I now have a little more room within myself to work more closely on these personality circuits. So with each thing I say to Marion and she to me, if we feel the slightest bad feeling - what is it, why do we feel it, what’s really going on. Then having to express it all, working it all through, discussing all the bits of it, breaking it apart and seeing what’s there, how it all came about, how it relates to mum and dad, how it’s affecting our relationship and our relationships with other people.
So our healing, as we’ve all talked about before on the forum, is about sorting ourselves out through our feelings so we can become true, which means, so we’re functioning truly as a personality expressing itself in Creation. The Celestial spirits are all as Jesus and Mary were, true in their personality expression, whereas we’re all untrue, so that’s what we’re endeavouring to fix through our ‘healing’.
So most of our healing is going to be done through the interaction with other people - other personalities, and a little with nature and creature personalities. And whether it be through shallow or more intimate relationships, it will be done through relating to one another, because that’s how all our wrongness was put into place during our early life - because of our relationships being unloving.
So people who think they can heal themselves one way or another that doesn’t involve feeling expression and truth seeking of those feelings brought about through personality interaction - relationships - are deluding themselves, they are not truly working on themselves. You need someone else to make you feel bad, then to express and seek the truth of those bad feelings. To put a crystal on your head and say because it’s a high vibrational quartz it will draw all the negative energies out of my aura, cleansing my spirit and so taking away all my pain, is out there in fantasy land. How much of a relationship can you have with a quartz crystal?
So to stay in a relationship that ordinarily would be classed as all-wrong, not working, you’re mad, why be with someone you don’t love let alone don’t even really like all that much, all so you can keep making each other feel as bad as you can feel, is not the usual way of looking at a relationship. And yet as our healing is showing us, all that we think is usual is turning out to be wrong, and should actually be unusual, so perhaps going the other way and staying together making each other feel bad and yet being able to express all those bad feelings to each other whilst seeking the truth of them, as unusual as that is, is actually the right way to be in a relationship in this mad upside down world. The right way to be if your intention is to help each other heal.
So Marion and I are trying to live true to our untruth in our relationship together, and see what then happens, see how we feel about each other in each moment of our being together. And it’s not about trying to run off and be with someone else who is nicer and more accepting and loving of us, because how would that person really be?, they’d be just as our parents were, fitting into the fantasy part of our believing we loved them. And being with such a person who didn’t make us feel bad, only good feelings, as much as we might dream and wish we could be with such a person, then by not ever feeling bad we’d never be able to complete our healing because we’d not be forced into having to deal with our bad feelings that would still be buried within us. So we don’t want to run away to be with the nicer person, and instead want to stay with each other - the horrible yuk nasty unloving person, hoping they will make us feel even worse and more hatful and unloving, all so we might be able to one day get to the bottom of our pain, hatred and unloving feelings for our parents.
I’m a hopeless case, can’t express myself, can’t live properly with anyone, can’t give to another person what they want, I’m just like my father and grandfather, and as Marion says, just like her father. So she is with her father being with me, who she also can’t get her needs met with, but with whom she can at least express it all to this time around unlike how it was with her father.
And how do I feel about being such a hopeless case... don’t ask. There you go Nols, we men are cot-cases, some of us, that’s for sure; and if it’s your misfortune to come up against one of us, let alone to try and have a relationship with us, we can’t do it, we were prevented from being part of it, we don’t know how to do it, and we don’t have a clue that we’re not doing it, our ego’s tell us we’re okay and it’s the woman’s fault - all that emotional feeling stuff, but we’ve been made to be useless in the emotional expressing relating department.
My parents told me they were my friend, they said that because we had each other, along with my brother and sister, I didn’t need other friends. Other friends were too much of a bother, too unreliable, so let’s all stick together not bothering with anyone else. I can’t remember them saying such things with words but that’s the overall impression imparted to me which I took on.
Now with Marion as I realise I don’t treat her as a true friend, I first saw her as my healing has unfolded as more like another sister, and so another friend. But now that’s gone I am treating her like a stranger in many ways, not sharing myself as one would to a friend, not involving her as a friend, and feeling that I don’t want friends in fact, realising that I actually didn’t want mum and dad and my brother and sister as my friends because they weren’t true and good friends. As it was all pretence, and as I’ve now given them up, so I am alone not really knowing whether I want a friend or not because I’ve never had a real one, so being, so I wrongly think, content to be by myself, even though I still need someone around like Marion to whom I can talk at, and pretend I am getting along well with and in a friendly way.
But as she said, put all that friend stuff aside and focus on how you really feel about having and not having a friend. Begin by seeing that we are not friends, expect the worst, that we don’t like each other, that we make each other feel bad all the time, and that will take you closer to the truth of how it was with your parents and brother and sister.
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Post by James on Feb 8, 2016 21:45:03 GMT 10
What I needed was:
The woman to come up to me and say she loves me, praise me, tell me she thinks all I do is wonderful.
The woman to come up me offering herself sexually. To say she finds me very handsome, a real turn on and would I come and root her to orgasmic bliss.
The man to come up to me and say, James I will show you how its done. I will teach you, I’ll show you all the pitfalls, and then when you’re fully competent in doing it, off you go and I’ll be here is you need me.
The greater or greatest authority - God? - to come and say, here you are James, here is all-power, you can heal everyone, do whatever you want, have it all for yourself - it’s all for you and I’m very pleased with you, you are perfect.
These are my outstanding needs. My healing has over the years defined them for me through my feelings. And as it turns out, they are all that was offered by mum and dad, only the opposite or reverse of what they said and did. So I’m still wanting and needing the right and good and true and perfect and fantasy loving mum and dad to come and do all these things for me. And it’s not that I want mum to come and say she wants me to have sex with her, but I want the loving mum in a woman who says that, as I want a loving father in the man who comes and helps me into life. I want what they were not.
I have nothing in me wanting the man and woman - father and mother - to just be there loving me, supporting me, not having to come and be with you for they are just there always, and not having to help or teach or show or encourage, because I am more than able to drive myself on, they just being in the background, there if I need them. I don’t know that way, I never had it or the inverse of it. But that’s how I want it to be now, as I realise I no longer need them, either in the bad unloving way or in the good loving fantasy way. I don’t want any of this way of life. I want life to be a completely new way, my way, with myself leading and doing what I need to do all through my feelings.
Marion read where women (and possibly gay men?) give sympathy and talk about how they feel, whereas men share ideas and little about feelings. But you can’t show love without sympathy, it’s about the person, not just information. So for a man to be with a woman and for them to have a good relationship feelings and so sympathy need to be expressed and shown. Marion feels bad because having dropped a group of her crystals on the floor some of the small polished natural moonstone chipped, telling me expecting me to be sympathetic - Oh no, that’s no good, what a shame they broke... Instead I just answered as if she is telling me a fact which I understand because those stones had strong cleavage lines within them which would fracture with the slightest knock - so I just agreed, yes that’s why it happened. I was not allowed to come in and be close in the feelings, I was told boys don’t get involved in all that girl stuff, that’s not manly. Showing bad feelings, showing you’re upset is weak and and you don’t want to be a sissy - gay was bad at the all-boy school I went to. And yet lately at the Bush Bank I’ve started to enjoy and even realise that I feel more sympathy for and even express it to the other men that I like, rather than to the women, because it’s still us against them, they all being mum, whereas we men can commiserate and be sympathetic and emotionally support each other.
It’s been extremely hard for me to accept that I’m not loving and not loved, that Marion and I don’t have a loving relationship - an okay friendship at best. And that is how it’s always been, even with my girlfriends. The sex with them and all the nice feelings sexual intimacy created allowed me to pretend that I loved them and they loved me, but now I can see that I didn’t really love nor did I feel love, even if they might have loved me.
And as I’ve written so many times now, of course I can’t feel love and be loving as I never experienced it, I don’t know what it is, what those feelings are. Marion during the last few days has been able to articulate the exact man she wants to be loved by, how he would be, all what he’d say and all how good he’d make her feel - all how loving he’d be, none of which I do. She’s never been able to do this, she’s always if someone spoke to her and showed a moments interest in her thought maybe she should give herself to that person so they will keep liking her. Now she’s looking after herself, and if that man doesn’t demonstrate and make her feel greatly loved, she says she won’t give him a second thought. She’s a very different person now to how she was when we first met.
She had some love in her early life from her Granny and cat and then her first boyfriend so has had a taste of it knowing what it feels like so now can define how she wants a relationship to be. But for me who never had anything other than all false love - they told me I was loved, they told me I was loving, if I said I didn’t feel loved they said I was wrong and that of course I did, I’ve no feeling for it. So as I never felt true love, having no clue about it, I can’t articulate the sort of woman I’d like to be loved by and love, because when I try nothing comes, I go blank. And then I start hearing their words in my mind, she must be like... but that was all the false stuff.
So our relationship has now evolved to still agreeing to stay together to help each other continue with our healing, but with the complete understanding that we don’t love each other; and that for us to do our healing, both of us being unloving people, we need to be unloving together. That if we were truly loving of each other then we’d not be able to do our healing together because we’d not cause each other to feel bad, so wouldn’t bring up our repressed feelings. So we make each other feel bad more than good, which has caused us to confront all our falseness, that which our parents created in us. And which makes for mostly a difficult relationship.
And as to whether or not we’ll remain together, we can’t say, anything can of course happen, and we’ve not finished our healing yet. So we’re concentrating on trying to be the unloving people we are together and seeing how that makes us feel. And in our worst we severely hate each other, then in our best we like each other to some extent.
So as for being soulmates as the spirits told me years ago, I am putting all that on the shelf, if we are, well we certainly don’t feel the so-called soulmate soul-love for each other. And if we ever do, well that will be a remarkable change in ourselves, a 100% turn around from where we are now when we hate each other.
And so then I think possibly we are just together for our healing and when that’s done we’ll then be able to be with our soulmates, but as to whether they are already Celestials or in flesh, or have even begun their healing or not, we can’t say. Neither of us have any feelings about any of that.
And this has made me think more about the Avonal pair - if they too are real having to do their healing, then they would presumable both be unloving, coming together in their unlovingness to uncover the truth of it and eventually be true to that state, so agreeing to possibly remain together but feeling completely unloving, unloved and all the rest of the bad feelings they’d have grown up in and lived in all their lives. And so when they finish their healing, would they, which is what you’d expect, then be able to love each other, with new feelings awakening in their soul that had lain dormant because of their being unloving, and so would then feel great love for each other, having removed all the obstacles to that love with their parents put in place?
Or, I was even thinking, what if the Avonal pair were not a soulmate pair, they were one part of their pairs that incarnated to work together - could such a think happen, required by the conditions of a rebellious and defaulting world? And so they come together to help each other heal, both being unloving, and then when healed, back in spirit reunite with their true other half. But that of itself then causes problems because the one who incarnated would be vastly different to the one who didn’t, so perhaps the other incarnated on another rebellious world... but then there would always needs to be an even number of rebellious worlds... So I’ll put those thoughts on hold, going back to perhaps they are a true pair, have grown up in completely different unloving environments so are not at all suited to being together, only sharing if anything a common feeling for the higher truths and wanting to be true and healed, so agreeing to help each other, only to discover when all their healing is finished that in fact they do love one another, are true soulmates, the big glorious happy ending, and such a romantic tale, were it not for all the yuk bad feelings and evilness they felt together and subjected each other to. Still, if that’s how it is, that would be quite an achievement, and one which would make sense and which others can follow. So when they are both in their full and true unloving states, the last thing I would imagine they’d be able to think about would be being able to feel a great love for each other. So if that’s the case, then it will show just how much our mind can override our soul, dominating it to the extent of blocking out any deeper soul-love. So how all of that error can be healed, leading to the liberation of all that soul love, will be a wonder to behold.
And then again, as I have don’t know about the Avonals for sure yet, so I have to also consider they don’t exist, and it’s just mortal souls who will be brought together to help each other with their healing, and when it’s done, when they are true and loving, then they will be able to link up in a full loving way with their loving soulmate. And although Helen Padgett tells us that a healed Celestial can love and be with their unhealed partner, although they can’t live in the same sphere or world, still the unhealed unloving partner is not going to feel love and be loving to the same extent as the Celestial partner is, so it would at best be a very limited relationship until the unhealed one is fully healed and caught up his or her partners level of truth and love.
So now I feel alone and unloved, and instead of feeling like the whole world is caving in and how will I ever feel good again, I remind myself that I’ve always felt like this, and the sky hasn’t fallen in anymore - it has already fallen in!, it fell in at my conception and all the way through my early life, so I live with it fallen in; and it’s not so bad, it’s not going to fall further, the worst has been done. Still, I’m not saying this to stop myself feeling as bad as I do, it’s just understanding that nothing has changed only I am now more connected with myself, with how I’ve always been. And now all those strange feelings I’ve always had but never really understood, all the deep melancholy and mild depression, the misery and just feeling overall bad and never happy or excited about anything, are all explained. So incredibly I am still in my early life as I’ve always been, just as I was at home, yet with the difference now being that I can express all I feel and understand the truth of it. So nothing has changed, I’m still myself in the same circumstances I grew up in, only I’m truer to it, aware and able to say how bad I felt - feel, have always felt, and understanding why I do: that I wasn’t loved, have never felt loved, don’t know love. This being the truth of my negative state, the truth of my being the unloving person I am. So I’m able to accept myself more being unloving, the truth that I could never have accepted in a million years, it was the worst crime ever to be accused of being unloving, you were the worst of the worst if you were unloving, and yet here I am having been unloving all the way along. Oh it’s a delight this waking up to the truth of yourself!
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Post by James on Feb 14, 2016 21:35:52 GMT 10
Today I feel all my usual bad feelings: despondent, miserable, crushed, feeling so bad and that I can’t do anything and nothing is for me. I feel so unloved. It’s the truest I’ve felt to feeling how I felt at home. And I can see how from there I built up all my false realities believing I was loved and things were okay. All my being able to be with women, having sex and being the great man out in the world, working and doing all the normal things, is all such rot when all I am is a scared little boy who feels so unwanted and unable to do anything about his unloved state. So I’ve tried to stay in it all day, feeling as bad as I can speaking about it all to Marion.
I asked the Mother and Father about my feeling so bad, and They said, as They always do, We want you to FEEL it James, to know what it feels like, feeling unloved. Which made me feel that I want to remember these bad feelings, to never forget them, so I can recall forevermore just how wretched I feel. I don’t want the feelings, but neither do I want them to just vanish so I can’t remember them. But as I’m doing all I can to block them out and forget them, so I understood when They were speaking to me that I have to remain in my unloved state feeling so bad for a long time, many days and times during the day all so I will not forget it, so the truth of it and I are one. They put me in my unloving family to experience feeling unloved, which is my whole life, so I want to know it and remember it and be able to recall all my bad feelings. So as much as I don’t want to feel bad, neither do I want them all to magically disappear, that is, not before I know them inside and out.
I was also musing over the Avonals again with the Mother and Father and a few extensions on what I’ve thought about them occurred to me.
That really they are to be invited by the humanity of their visiting world. They don’t come uninvited, or for the matter, ordinarily, unannounced. They would never just impose themselves on a world. They might do so if it’s what the Mother and Father and the Eternal Son and Infinite Daughter Spirit wanted, but they wouldn’t do it of their own accord. And so under normal conditions the humanity would be perfect in its natural love, wanting the Avonal pair to come knowing they held the key - the way - for one to continue ones ascension of truth, that being, the way to leave the confines of the mansion worlds and move out into the Celestial spheres and onward and inward to Paradise. With the Pair coming and revealing the truth about the Divine Love.
But in our case, Mary and Jesus have already told us about the Divine Love. With the Avonal pair really being invited to come to tell us about how to heal ourselves of our rebellion, that which Mary and Jesus didn’t do. And then were they to come, that is all they would do, shed light on the problem and show through their own experiences how to go about healing it, as they worked to heal themselves. And to show in the end that it can be done, that one can heal themselves completely of ones evilness as they completely healed themselves. So I think (although I could be wrong) that that is all they would do. So they wouldn’t come and establish a new religion being the Founding Pair for example, set up shop, or even take over running the world. So many Christians believe Jesus is going to return and take over, vanquishing the enemy and establishing peace on earth and the next Golden Age. But Jesus and Mary, and the Avonals like them, are not about controlling a world, taking over and making right all that is wrong. That is still for humanity do. All the higher Daughters and Sons do from the little we’ve been told about them in The Urantia Book, is reveal truth, so at best do some teaching, but really without even the need for that. Just to tell those people who want to hear the truths they have come to tell, and then it’s for those people - humanity - to take those truths and do with them what they will.
So I’m not expecting the Avonal Pair to suddenly stand up and start organising a new way to live in which people can come and be with them, they all living a true way and happily together. I think people might come to them one way or another to receive the truths they are offering, but then possibly take those truths themselves feeling inspired to live them and do whatever else they feel to do. So I can see it will be other people setting up shop and teaching about the healing from their own experiences, teaching and passing on that which they take from the Avonals and Mary and Jesus, the PM and UB and anything else, including their own experiences, those which will be the most important part of it. So I can imagine the Avonal Pair possibly at best making a few suggestions about the sort of ways one might live that are true and good once one is healed, but really it’s up to people themselves from now through the next one thousand years, and possibly beyond, to develop the New Religion, all based around healing oneself of ones rebellion and the Divine Love.
So all the Avonal Pair has to do, which is also all Mary and Jesus did, is make the truths available which they gain from their own life. And then their Spirits of Truth will help foster those truths in all people who strive to live true and do their healing with and even without the inclusion of the Divine Love.
So humanity - specific individuals - will no doubt feel inspired to ‘spread the word’ or establish a ‘new religion’ or just live their own humble lives being ‘a living example’. And then there the unseen Trinity Teacher Pairs who will help and oversee such happenings through the next Spiritual Age.
So like it was with Mary and Jesus, their coming, where they lived on Earth, as it will be with the Avonal Pair, is like where the stone is dropped into the lake from which all the ripples will emanate from.
I just realised speaking to Marion about it, why I’m so happy when the holiday people leave. They come at the weekend and then late Sunday when they go I feel so good, happy and relieved, that I can finally get on and do what I want undisturbed. No having to see them, say hello, listen to them chopping down yet more trees; I can go round the side of house and pee in the garden without having to worry about being seen. It’s all for me, all mine. And of course it’s how it was with mum and dad. I was happiest when they went out and I was left alone, they weren’t there to bother me, to be mean to me, this being when I was older. So I just want someone - them - to provide the house for me, look after it attending to the bills, keeping it clean and I don’t have to mow the lawn, all for me to live in undisturbed doing what I want. I don’t want a house of my own in which I do everything, I never had that feeling at home - that it was my home and I was taking care of it or my part of it, I was never allowed to, so I want it all provided for me, just as it was, but without them being there.
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Post by James on Mar 3, 2016 13:36:59 GMT 10
More hatred of God
I feel like I’ve come to the end (if only) of my hatred and anger with mum, dad and Gran and the others. I feel exhausted by it all, all how unloving it was. And now I’m moving on beyond them to God, because after all, they couldn’t help how they were, blaming my Mother and Father, directing all my anger at Them. It’s as if, for the moment in this feeling, mum and dad have shrunk away to insignificance, whereas it’s all now about the Mother and Father and how They hate me, They don’t love me, They don’t show They love me, They don’t make me feel loved, They don’t give me a good life in which I am happy. So I hate Them and hate how mad the whole thing is that They’ve created, and that I don’t understand any of it, and as I’ve no one else other than Them, so I have to keep longing to Them for Their Love, because I do still feel what Jesus said about the Love transforming our soul is right, and I have to look to Them to help me with my healing, helping me express all I feel, even though I’m also so angry with Them for making me be so blocked up in my feeling expressing, for making it so difficult and for my not having a ‘feeling’ for it. So I hate Them, but I need Them, and I want Them to make me feel good.
And I’ve been feeling even more ambivalent about my writing, I’m still writing but can’t get around to correcting and posting. I’m seeing how my writing is one of my comforters, I’d not really looked at in that light, up until now it was something that I felt in a way I just had to do, as if I had no say in it, I had to ‘get it all down’, and it was just an odd thing I was doing for a time but it wasn’t really me - didn’t even interest me that much; but now I can see that I have grown to using it as another thing to make me feel good, so yet another false comforter along with my other ‘vices’ of over-eating, wanking, chewing my fingernails and not being able to express myself properly. All these things I’m doing trying to make myself feel better, trying to give myself a little bit of comfort, yet all of which actually end up making me feel bad and worse about myself that I still have to do them, and that I have no say or control about doing them, still just compulsively acting after all these years of working on trying to uncover the truth of why I need to do them.
And as the truth has come, from it lately I’m feeling more comfort, it’s very obvious to me when suddenly all my bad feelings lift, they just go away, even though I can still feel them deeper within me, that being more to express and connect with, yet as soon as a little bit of truth stands out, I instantly feel good again. Not completely good, but as good as I can within my outstanding yuk. So I know the truth is the true comforter and I only wish I could grow enough in it so that it is all I need no longer needing all my false comforts.
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Post by James on Mar 7, 2016 11:11:31 GMT 10
Who's in control?
I’m realising with my writing, and everything else in my life, I’ve mostly done it because I’ve felt it’s what is expected of me, so in effect I’ve been trying to live another’s will. And this, so I’ve come to understand, has always made me feel nervous, pressured, obligated to do what they want, and then miserable because I don’t want to it, angry because of the relentless pressure of someone else always telling me how to be and what to do and when to do it - even what to say, how and when.
And yet it’s all been made in a very appealing way. Do your writing, it will bring you... fame, fortune, fans, praise, love, all what they pretended to give me when I did what they said. But the more I’ve tried to go along with this, expecting such things that haven’t materialised, the more disenchanted I’ve become with the whole fanciful idea of being a success - assuming of course I would, instantly successful, not: fuck off it’s shit and don’t bother us with such puerile badly written nonsense. And along with this also more of a feeling of, No, I don’t want to do it, I’m sick of doing it! And feelings of: do I really want to do it for myself, or am I just pretending that I am whilst I’m actually doing it for someone else.
So I’ve had periods of blasting along, I wrote ten novels (1,000,000 words) in three months, a series I greatly enjoyed believing it might lead to something. However I’ve not been able to go back and re-read them, they just sit there, I think about them from time to time, along with all my other masses of books written with spirits, my diaries and other novels, and I wonder what to do about them... one day I’ll go back through them all and sort them out, bring their truth up to date, correct any English errors I can detect... one day. But this one-day feeling is the last vestige of my believing I should go back and get them out there and something good will happen from publishing them, that being what I believe, that being what they said.
So lately, feeling like I’m giving up their control over me - which is such a good feeling!, I am feeling that I don’t have to anything with my writing, that I can do whatever I want to do with it, including - nothing. And all the worry is leaving me, all the: but you’re mad, you should do something with it, other people will benefit from it... nothing about me benefiting from it.
So over the last months I’ve felt myself coming to yet another crisis point, that which I can now see is really my confronting another level of their will and control over me, and choosing to stop it, which I’m doing through my feeling expression, all my railing and complaining and feeling so powerless, with those feelings taking their control out of me as I express them (they who are my parents) out of me. I can’t actually stop myself doing their will, that part the Mother and Father can do, and so that’s what I feel They are now doing for me.
So more and more I’m feeling the value of just staying true to my feelings, going with all the bad ones, trying to express them the best I can whilst always longing and wanting their truth. And more and more I’m feeling good about not having any control and say in my life (which is my wrong life), just acting on my feelings, doing things because I want to do them, knowing the Mother and Father are, and always have been, orchestrating everything. I can believe I have some say and control, but that’s only a belief. And only a belief based on what I believe control to be from my upbringing and how we all understand it. But also feeling on another level that I actually have massive control, far more control than I ever thought I did by using my mind, and all brought about by simply acting on and expressing all I feel. (We never think of Jesus being powerless and not having any control, yet he lived wholly the Father’s Will, he didn’t go in for all the ego control we’ve been forced to endure and believe is so good for us.) For although I feel like it’s not me doing my life but the Mother and Father, I also feel it is very much me in there with Them, riding shot-gun, very much playing my part and so having that sort of control. A control very different from all I’ve grown up with.
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Post by James on Mar 11, 2016 13:17:17 GMT 10
Shut out
I’m so shut out, they didn’t bring me in, they didn’t want to know me, I don’t know how to reach out, assert myself, connect with the other person.
I hate their words, their words carried a noise, I hate the noise, I only want peace, the peace and quiet of my own mind. In my mind there is a noise, the words and pictures have noises but they are tolerable, they are mine, I am in control of them. Other peoples words I have no control over, they say horrible things to me, they tell me I’m bad, they criticise me, they tell me they don’t want to hear me, so I don’t speak, I have withdrawn into the quietude of my mind.
I love all the noiseless creatures, the fish and lizards, the noiseless beetles and bugs, the caterpillars and moths, the trees, the bushes, the grasses, the seaweed, the water plants. I love the rocks, the noiseless crystals, the beauty of the polished stones, everything that doesn’t make noise, including the noiselessness of my dreams.
I love the birds but they can make too much noise. The butcher bird is singing his beautiful melodious repetitive call, it’s so lovely, so angelic, far away as if in heaven, but after a while it starts to annoy me, I wish he’d stop, over and over the same sound, the noise becomes deafening, as it was with them, over and over, always repeating the same words, stop that James, don’t do that James, that’s wrong, that’s bad, over and over.
I want to live safe in my fantasies. I watch the porn videos without their noise. I don’t want all that horrible false moaning sex noise. I want the movement but not the noise. I want the beauty, the fish and their colour, the excitement of doing ‘naughty and forbidden’ things, but all done quietly, no talking, no heavy breathing, no climatic outcrying, no, nothing like as that it’s all too disturbing, it’s all too physical, too real, it threatens the safety and tranquility of my mind.
I don’t want to come out. I want to stay in my dreams, I am fortunate as they mostly make me feel good. I want to live in them, I want that to be my reality, not the horrible scary world of people who speak to me, demand I pay attention, make me listen to them, when all I want is to get away, not be with them, to be left alone in my quiet.
Meditation greatly appealed. It was so quiet, and yet I could talk away with the spirits, Bob my Indwelling Spirit, the Mother and Father. No one threatened me, they were all on my side, always telling me good things. But I couldn’t sit in meditation all day, it wasn’t right, and I don’t want to be so shut away. And that’s the irony of it, I can’t take myself away from life and the world and live reclusively in nowhere land. I still need to be around people and their noise, I still even need to talk, all so long as it’s on my terms. And worst of all I still need Marion to keep on at me, pointing out where I’m wrong, what I’m doing and saying that makes her feel bad and doesn’t make sense, because if I didn’t have her doing that I’d possibly slip away, once and for all, just let go and float off into some imaginary lake to sit with the little fish on the bottom of Lake Tanganyika and never return. Just to finally drift off into the recesses of my mind, never to return, to once and for all turn my back on it all, on all my bad feelings, just go, float away, start swimming out into the bay on the outgoing tide and keep going until exhaustion and cold take me, until my mind can finally take over, until I can slip peacefully away giving my body as food for the fish and other sea creatures, whilst I move off into my mind.
I hear the peacefulness calling me like a siren, it says, James, come to me, I will love you, I will ask nothing of you, I will caress you and be with you, and together we will be free. Free to be as you’ve always wanted to be, free from them, free from the responsibilities of the world, free from all the harsh noise. Come away with me and we’ll... And there it ends, for I know I will never go there, as really I don’t want to. Really I want to be real, really I do want to connect and be able to have a true relationship with all it’s ups and downs. Really I don’t want to run away, really floating away will achieve nothing more than a temporary respite, and do I really need that? No, I don’t think so, really I don’t want it as much as it so greatly appeals.
So it’s back to the grind, more bad feelings, endless bad feelings, my mind breaking down, my giving up my fantasies, back into the noise, confusion, anxiety, fear and frustration. Back into the yuk. Accept the yuk I say, it’s easy to tell everyone else, but doing it myself...
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Post by James on Mar 13, 2016 15:51:21 GMT 10
Does Hell exist?
Marion was saying that she reckons there is no Hell as such, Hell being the place some people go because of needing punishment for their sins. She says that she feels Hell is simply provided because we require it, hell being a state or condition of mind we are in, it all to do with our beliefs. We believe we have been so bad that we need to suffer in hell as punishment for our crimes, and so according to that belief Hell is provided so as to give us what we want. And even though one is not fully conscious of ones beliefs, as no one is because we’re all living in denial of them, that still they are very real determining our lives and what we require in them, it being when so many people wake up in spirit confined to some hellish experience, it all being what they unconsciously believe should happen to them.
And that God, our Mother and Father are loving. So loving that They provide the necessary environments and experiences to fit our beliefs, and that because we’ve chosen to believe all the negative stuff inflicted upon us, still it being our choice even though we seem to have had no choice in it, They give us what we want, that being what we believe we need, what we want based on our beliefs.
And through our healing as we bring each belief into the spotlight, able to see what it’s all about, how it’s affecting us, where it came from, why we took it on, so we are able to decide as to whether or not we want to keep it, and even though we might not be able to get rid of those ones we don’t want to keep, still in keeping with our becoming true they will be removed once we’ve seen the truth of them.
So Hell is of our doing. The truth being, we’re already in hell, only a lot of our physical life allows us to cover up such feelings, all of which is not so easy do when we arrive in spirit.
So as Marion says, we are doing hell to ourselves, we create our own hell all according to our beliefs. And our Mother and Father don’t punish, that being the sort of belief that keeps the notion of Hell in place. And if we persist in living against the Truth, then yes we will feel pain, we will in a sense be punished, but it’s all a technical transgression of the Laws of Love which we don’t understand, which have been hidden from us, as we deny ourselves their truth.
So there’s nothing really outside of you to fear, there is no evil monster, there is now wrathful God that’s waiting to cast judgement down upon you, as it’s all already going on inside you, with the outside only complying by manifesting what you require as determined by your inside.
So we cause bad things to happen to ourselves because of our bad beliefs, with the Mother and Father unconditional in Their love for us, allowing and supporting such wrongness. They are not unloving controlling parents telling us how to be in each step we take, they are not the same as our human parents and it’s wrong to attribute how our human parents treated us to Them, They are wholly loving and allowing us to freely explore all the good and bad of life.
Also, recently I have made peace within myself about the so-called ‘Divine Love people’. I wanted to see my brother to ask him how he’s going with the Divine Love. It would be over twenty years now, so what he thinks is his healing, have his sins and errors been going as it says in the Padgett Messages, and what do his Celestial friends with whom he has written many channelled books say about it all. I was curious as to how people can live strictly adhering to the PM and how they deal with all their addictions, bad feelings, bad habits, bad things happening to them and so on, and what they see as their healing and ascension of truth.
But then the other day that all went out the window and I no longer care how such people are, or how and what my brother is doing, and my desire to see him to ask him about his experiences with the Divine Love just vanished. And I felt I’d made peace with myself, for I know now completely, even though I’d known about it before so I thought, that these people are like everyone else who lives denying the truth of themselves by denying their deeper truer feelings. They are not looking to their feelings to uncover the reasons why they feel bad, why bad things happen to them, why they do bad things, they just believe the Divine Love will eradicate all such irregularities, untruth, purifying their natural love, just the same as do many other religious and spiritual belief systems. Many Christians afterall have been receiving the Divine Love for years and yet they are still well entrenched in their Christian beliefs and no closer to doing their healing because of having received Divine Love in their soul. And it could be argued that by receiving the Love and yet still living denying the truth of themselves they’ve moved even deeper into rebellion against themselves and God, even though they have some divinity within their soul and in that way are closer to God. So now I feel like I’ve just separated from all other spiritual systems, Divine Love or no Divine Love, and unless someone is actively doing their healing then they are still living untruly and still advancing their wrongness. They might be uncovering little bits of truth here and there, but nothing like what we do through our healing and like what is required by our soul if we want to ascend out of the mansion worlds altogether and into the Celestial spheres.
When I was sitting alone in the park the other day feeling the whole world baring down on me, which I knew was all just my own yuk, feeling like knives were being stuck through my head and I was so unbelievably wretched, even possibly the most I’ve ever felt, the Mother and Father said it won’t go until you understand that it is yourself feeling Persecuted. Persecuted. That was a word that I hadn’t readily applied to myself. It was what happened to Jesus, to people who are hunted down and made to feel very bad, people being accused of being heinously evil and need to be got rid of, it was what happened to the Jews during the war, it was... it was in a way what happened to me as a young child.
Then over the course of the next few days with that word constantly playing on my mind I found myself relating more to it, and that yes, I do feel persecuted, I feel hunted and run down into the ground, I do feel rejected and unwanted, like they didn’t like me, they thought I was very bad and so wanted to in a way get rid of me. Even though over it all they pretended making me wrongly believe they liked and loved me, that that I was okay and good.
So now that one word and all it means to me has become central to the truth and understanding about myself, all that I feel, how I feel in the world, why I feel so hated, and I can see that it is all now my own doing. When something bad happens, like the car playing up making a strange noise so I’ve got to take to the mechanics and sit and wait all day whilst they work on it saying they’ve fixed it only to hear the noises are worse when I drive it home, then to ring up and say it’s worse expecting they’ll be angry with me, then to have to go back and sit for yet another day while they fiddle around ‘fixing’ it, only to expect it won’t get fixed, that the Mother and Father have given me a dud car that’s unfixable and will cause no end of trouble, it’s all how I feel is my life, that mum and dad have made me into a dud, they believe I’m unfixable and so why bother. They didn’t care, they didn’t want to do what was needed, they were annoyed with me for being trouble, all adding up to my feelings of being persecuted, and for reasons which I don’t understand. I didn’t make the car go bad, I didn’t make myself go bad so they would be annoyed with me, I don’t understand why they are so angry with me, why they hate me, why I feel so crushed and persecuted by them. What did I do wrong?
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Post by James on Mar 25, 2016 15:25:13 GMT 10
Again feeling utterly powerless
This morning I feel the truest to myself that I’ve felt, the truest to my unloved, unhappy, negative state. I feel very unhappy, miserable, as if I’ve been beaten and crushed down, and continually expecting to be screamed at and told I am bad. It’s nothing new, other than I feel there is nowhere else to go, other than just be as I feel. So I want my comforting chocolate, to ease my nervousness by biting my nails, to wank to let out my pent-up anxiety and to pretend I have some sexual power in the world - the only power I believe is worthwhile, and I dream of meeting the woman I can run off into nature with and live happily ever after, the woman being really the little girl I liked when I was young and felt free enough and happy enough within myself being alone with her in the garden.
And so I wonder: What is the point of my pointless existence? I can’t do anything else, I don’t want to do anything else, I can only dream and fantasise but I’m even bored with doing that. None of it makes me feel good other than for a moment of physical pleasure, there is nothing to look forward to, nothing that makes me feel really good and I don’t just feel happy. And even though I still don’t know all the reasons why I feel like I do, still I know enough now to understand that this is the real me, the me in my wrongness, the evil waste-of-space good-for-nothing me.
So I keep trying to express feelings I still don’t want to admit to, I keep trying to fully acknowledge all my wrongness knowing that if I do by bringing it all out then hopefully they will go, and longing to the Mother and Father for Their Love and for Them to help me see the truth of all I feel. And whilst I can’t stop doing all these things I don’t want to do, they are my compulsions and needed to ease my pain, I can still long to be free of them, all while I work at accepting them - accepting the truth of them: that this is the rotten no-love me.
And I feel it’s all as boring as hell, all these posts about the same bad feelings, on and on, year after year, the same unhappy, miserable, bored me, but that’s all I am, so that’s as it is.
And today I was feeling again that really it is all about feeling powerless. I feel utterly powerless (and fucking angry about that); I wasn’t allowed to have any real power in my life, in the family, so I can’t as an adult with all I do just being my pathetic attempts at gaining some power. For example my needing to look at pictures of naked women imagining what I would love to do with them and what I want them to do to me, is just more of such a need. The immediate thrill is the sexual power surging up in me, and then my mind takes over wanting to control it and put it to good use. But that’s all it is, a pathetic surge of raw power that makes me feel that way because of my feeling denied my basic natural power. And as it’s all there, it’s mine, and with it being so easy, as it doesn’t even involve another person, I don’t actually have to make anyone respond to me or do as I want, I don’t have to assert myself and use some power with them, so I can carry on deluding myself that I feel all-powerful in my all-powerless state. But as soon as it’s over I feel deflated and back to feeling even more powerless and angry with myself for having to keep on doing it, having this need I can’t let go of, feeling it having power over me, feeling so out of control, useless and powerless at not being able to just stop it, all the same feelings I feel that make me want to do it in the first place. So it’s just a vicious circle, and all because my parents had all power over me by making me also deludedly believe I had power, and even power over them. All so fucked up that I don’t know what to do, can’t do anything, wish I could fuck it all off, wish the bloody Divine Love would just erase my need and give me back all the true power I feel was taken from me - that I was prevented from having. However as the Divine Love doesn’t work for me that way, as it seems other people and spirits like Sir Percival claim it does for them, so all I can do is keep owning up to, accepting and expressing how powerless I feel; all of which is how I’ve always felt underneath my false-power, all of which is how my parents made me feel, all of which is at the very crux of my healing, all of which until I can heal it I will never feel good and powerful, as when you feel good you also feel powerful.
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Post by James on Apr 26, 2016 21:22:17 GMT 10
I feel unloved
I wonder if there are love circuits? It’s all so strange this healing business, the better I feel about myself, the more I can feel how unloved I am. In one way I feel more love and good feelings for and about myself than I ever have, and I can feel they are genuine feelings, and yet also I feel more how deeply unloved I feel.
I understand that the more truth about myself I uncover the more truth about my unloved state I understand, and so with that truth comes more awareness, insight and perception of how unloved I feel. So the closer I get to fully healing myself, the closer I get to becoming Celestial, the truer to my unloved state I am becoming, so feeling the fullness of feeling unloved.
If there are love circuits I feel like I was conceived on the bottom of the ladder, then I deluded myself that I was somewhere up it feeling loved and being loving. And now as I do climb it through my healing, so I am realising that I am still on the bottom rung, never having felt loved. It’s been a sham, a con, a falsehood - a fantasy. I feel unloved, I don’t know about love, I can’t love for how can I when I’ve never felt or experienced it. And although with people and creatures I’ve felt what I’d call love and to a small extent felt loved, still overall the truth of me is that I feel unloved, unloved by the very people who I should have felt the most loved by.
Marion and I live together feeling how unloved we both feel. We both feel alone and unloved even though we’re in the same room together. We are doing our healing to become the full truth of ourselves, so have the full awareness of the truth that we are - that being: that we both weren’t loved, that we both feel unloved, and we can’t do anything about it.
And we’re certainly not going to pretend we love each other. We are friends to a certain degree but there isn’t much love. We both feel too unloved to feel any love. And besides, we know our healing and life currently is all about feeling unloved, allowing ourselves to feel what we’ve always felt, and to not soften or compromise or deny any of the bad feelings. To be as we feel we are, and nothing else, to allow our feelings to guide us and show us the truth of ourselves. All of which is nothing like I thought living a spiritual life would be.
And I guess it’s the very opposite to what I thought it would be, which makes sense as we’re all in unloving negative states of mind. So we are going in the opposite way to what other religions and spiritual systems tell you is the way to go. We are going into our unlovedness and wanting to stay there, to not be moved out of it until our feelings change.
This evening I am feeling unloved. Totally unloved, right through to the core of me. My misery and fear and all the other bad feelings that result from feeling unloved are not present, they are in the background, and I am fully in and wanting to stay in feeling unloved without being disturbed by other feelings. I want to know and remember what feeling unloved feels like. It is what my life is to show me, why I’ve started off in the wrongness. I want to feel it and remember it, even when I feel loved - should I ever finish my healing, so I’m trying to stay with it.
And as I’ve healed so much of my crushing feelings to do with feeling unloved, although more of them to come no doubt, this evening it’s not too bad feeling unloved, I can cope with it. It is how I’ve always felt.
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Post by James on May 8, 2016 19:37:29 GMT 10
HATE
Hate, we’re all so full of it, possibly even only of it. We live on a world of hate.
How can you not be full of hate when living on a world that is unloving, growing up in a family that didn’t truly love you? I know I’ve said it before, but today once again feeling such hatred, I want to write that it is all hate, we live on a world of hate, we only superficially by using our minds pretend we love. All our so-called loving feelings are what?, loving feelings within the hatred? So really take them all away and what do you have - hate. Nothing but hate.
We have to get in touch with our hate, our hate for ourselves, each other, God, everything and everyone. Hate, hate, hate, nothing else but hate. To allow ourselves to feel hate, ONLY HATE, when that is what we feel. We probably won’t feel hate all the time, as there are other feelings within us, but when we are in our hate - HATE, don’t deny those feelings. And if they keep going for hours, days, weeks, years, even the whole of eternity, then that is what you feel, so be true to it - Hate! And hate with all your heart, with the full passion and emotion of your feelings of hate. Don’t hold back. When we feel love we want to love as fully and passionately as we can, we don’t want to hold back any loving feelings, even if those feelings are within our hateful negative unloving anti truth state. So do the same with all your bad feelings and hate, be them fully, express them fully, allowing yourself to be wholly consumed by them. Be Them, live the full truth of them. If you feel hate, you ARE hate, so be it - HATE! The same for all your bad feelings. And as much as you will hate yourself being so fully of hate, then be that hate too, don’t stop.
Keep hating if that’s how you feel until you don’t feel it anymore. Keep expressing that hatred until you can’t do it anymore. Keep longing for and wanting the truth of your hated: why you hate and who you hate and what bad things were done to you to make you hate, until you can’t long anymore. BE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING, because you are already it as it’s what you are feeling. So don’t deny yourself any feeling; be your feelings and express them as you feel they want to be expressed. Be natural and accepting of them. And you don’t have to do it out in the world all over everyone if you don’t want and don’t feel to, but you do have to do it in your private life at home. You have to do it somewhere and to someone, even if that someone is God.
Today I HATE my grandmother. I’ve not been able to FULLY HATE her until now. She loved me, I was her ‘favourite’, we had something of a special relationship together. Right before I turned my back on the whole family deciding I needed to remove myself from them so as to do my Healing, I told her that I loved her and thanked her for loving me. Now I think of the irony of it, I was thanking and loving my greatest enemy. In many ways she was far worse, far more insidiously controlling, than mum. She commanded me like a well trained dog by using a few words. I never went against her, I was so brainwashed by her that I thought I loved her. When I took Marion to Macedon in the car I put my hand on Marion’s foot and Gran said ‘No canoodling’, and at thirty-five years old I instantly removed my hand. I couldn’t even say: no Gran, I am going to be affectionate with Marion if I want to, and what right do you have saying we can’t touch each other, god it’s not as if we’re having sex in front of you! I just touched her foot as it was resting between the seats, Marion being in the back seat and I in the passengers because I couldn’t fit in the back with her, and I had to sit next to Gran being the ‘good boy’. I was so well trained by all Gran’s so-called love for me, so what love is that? Bullshit love. And so at the peak of my falseness I told her I loved her and thanked her for loving me, and then I spat the dummy and turned my back on them all, and for the next twenty years worked hard everyday on myself to uncover the truth of all that so-called ‘love’. And today I know it’s all hate. She didn’t love me, she hated me. You don’t control someone so heavily if you really love them. Love is NOT controlling. So fuck that love Gran, and fuck you too, and I hate you as you hated me.
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Post by James on May 9, 2016 16:54:40 GMT 10
They cancelled me out. With Marion on inner levels I go blank. I instantly don’t know anything, as if we’ve never been together at all, let alone all these years. I go and behave as if I’m dumb, and I never knew I acted this way because I’ve never been in a relationship long enough to see what it I actually do. I’ve never been with anyone as perceptive as Marion. And slowly I’m seeing how it’s true, that I am really still with mum and Gran when I’m with Marion. And that with them I just blanked out, they blanked me out, I was rendered dump, I forgot our past, I didn’t know anything, I just waited for instruction as they had to tell me everything all over again, always as if starting again the first time, they took over completely, I couldn’t do anything myself. So there was no continuity living with them, no evolving our relationship, it was just a series of stop/starts, over and over having to be told the same things. And I feel so sad, miserable, and raging angry about it. I hate how I’ve become, and I hate how I do the same thing to Marion, just blank her out treating her as if we’ve not shared any past before.
And so once again: How do you live the Will of God?
If you live true to yourself, you are then living true to God; so by living true to your own will so too are you true to God’s will, you are aligned, harmonised, at-one.
But first you have to life true to yourself, which means, doing your Healing.
And then there is the other side to think about - living untrue. God wants us to live untrue, starting us off in the negative, evil, unloving world. So by living untrue, are we not also doing what God wants, and so living God’s will? The only difference being we are living untrue unconsciously, and it doesn’t make us feel good, this we have to one day realise. So even though we might be living untruly how God wants and is helping us to, still as it doesn’t make us feel loved, one day we will chose to no longer do it. Which is also what God wants us to do. And then we can do our healing setting out to become consciously true.
So is it that we’re always living God’s will, whether we are true or untrue, we are a soul created by God, so will always do what God wants whether we like it or not. Or is it that we are to make a choice to live true, so as to make ourselves truly happy, once having realised living untrue and so against ourselves is no good. So is it that actually living untrue to ourselves is our free will choice, and we can then choose to give that up by doing our Healing and becoming true to ourselves. And yet isn’t it also that we make the choice to give up being untrue when God wants us to make that choice. So it’s not actually about living God’s will or not, but about living truly our will or not. Do we have really have any choice, or is choice only an illusion of our mind.
And when we feel that strong desire to live true to God, to be at-one with God, to do God’s will, is it that really we are feeling a strong desire to live true to our will, to be at-one with ourselves, to do our own will? And which comes first, and are they perhaps both the same? And does it matter, for surely all that matters is we honour and express all we feel, and that is living as truly as we can.
Living with feeling verses living with mind
Increasingly I am seeing that living with your feelings leading is the true way to live life, instead of leading with your mind. All of our world and all within it are living looking to and allowing the mind to lead. All of which is untrue and wrong and hurts us. It is not a truly loving way to live, with all the so-called love being founded on the mind, not on true feelings. So there are two ways open for us to live: the mind way, which is against our feelings and untrue and wrong; or the feelings way with our mind supporting our feelings which is true and right, these two alternative ways being borne out in the division of the mansion worlds - the mind and feelings worlds.
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Post by James on May 10, 2016 19:34:29 GMT 10
Being the witness for yourself
Alice Miller talks about our needing a witness, someone who is objectively able to listen to all the yuk we’ve been through. Someone when we were young who could have told us, no, how we’re being treated is wrong; or someone like a therapist now as we are adults, who is able to also tell us what we went through was not right and all our bad feelings we feel are true.
Marion says we are to be the witness for ourselves through our Healing. And it’s true as you feel you become in some way the loving adult that is there for you the little unloved child. That you stand up for yourself as you uncover the whole truth of your misery and unloved and unhappy state.
And that being our own witness we are able to go back and say no, able to stand up to them within ourselves knowing they are wrong, they were wrong doing what they did to us, and that we - our feelings - are right. And that we’ve been made to go against ourselves by telling ourselves that our feelings are not right, and this has caused us all our problems.
So we work ourselves back to being how we felt when young and are now able to say no, I don’t have to be and do as they say. We can use our will as it should have been used. And we can even say no, right to the point of dying, that you would rather die than go against yourself as they are trying to make you do. And to know that dying is good, it’s not bad, and that the biggest killer is - ha, ha - that we’re all afraid to die. To be made to be afraid to die is how they’ve controlled us and made us turn against ourselves. Jesus wasn’t afraid to die, he didn’t turn against himself, he didn’t overpower them to save himself, yet within himself he would have stood up to them knowing how they were treating him and how they were treating themselves and how they were treating everyone else was wrong.
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Post by James on Jun 23, 2016 21:56:42 GMT 10
I'm not loved Sitting in the bus today visiting some revegetated farm land with people from the Bush Bank who I don’t know too well I felt the sinking dark scary tragic sad feeling of: I’m not liked, no one likes me - do any of these people like me... how can I tell... what if I’m not liked at all and they’re all wishing I’d not come... feeling very unloved. BAD FEELING. Deep terrible feeling and thoughts. I wanted to disappear. The people seem friendly enough but maybe it’s all a cover, after all most people wouldn’t come out with it and say they don’t want someone there to their face.
The bad feelings and my dementing mind trying to deal with them went on and off all day through the excursion. It was such a relief getting home being about to discuss and express such feelings to Marion. And to at least know that with her I know where I stand, and if I don’t I can ask at any moment and will get a truthful answer.
And I can see how I’ve covered up these horrible feelings all my life telling myself (because my parents told me) that I’m okay, and liked, that I get on with people, some more than others but that’s normal. But after today, another personal crisis - do I really, or has it all been one big show?
But of course it actually has nothing to do with the people on the bus, this is how I felt with mum and dad, in my family, these are my real feelings back with them. And I know if I ever said anything like that to mum or Gran - that I didn’t feel they liked me, they’d tell me off course they did and stop carrying on with such nonsense. However there was no big overwhelming sympathetic hug engulfing me in a big knowing feeling that they were serious, just empty words and even anger that I was saying such a ridiculous thing.
So I know my feeling is right, and I’m now allowing myself to feel these deeper feelings. And there’s no getting away from them, just feeling them, saying all they make me feel, letting myself feel as bad as I do.
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Post by James on Jul 5, 2016 21:03:24 GMT 10
It’s too difficult, I can’t do it, I hate everything and everyone. Everyone is against me, everything is against me, nothing works for me, and I can’t do anything. Over and over today as I was shopping I was feeling so miserable, so crushed, so unable, I can’t do it, EVERYTHING IS AGAINST ME, and even the simplest things, like trying to get the cap of my front tyre to check the air pressure defeated me. My fingers wouldn’t work, I don’t have any strength, I am so weak, so pathetic, so powerless... and then I had to pay $20 for the stuff to keep the petrol for the mower fresh, and I didn’t want to buy that much, I only wanted to spend $5 but for that I’d have to drive to Wonthaggi which would cost that much again in petrol - it was all against me, too much, the whole world, nothing going my way, I couldn’t do it, I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to live not being able to do anything. And it’s all how my parents and family made me feel. I can feel it, they were all against me from my conception onwards and nothing has changed, only now I’m more aware of these feelings, and feelings that I’ve refused to believe I’ve had, pretending I can do life like everyone can, I can manage, I can get along - BUT I CAN’T. And I just want someone - THE CAPABLE PERSON - to come and take over and do everything for me and make it be all right and tell me that I don’t have to do anything ever again as they will do everything. And it’s not even as if I want to do everything, that has long ago been crushed out of me by stopping me and telling me I was bad for wanting to live my own life how I wanted to live it, so now I don’t want to do anything, I want the other person to do everything, as they did everything. They always took over, taking everything - my life - out of my hands, and I want them to keep doing so, but not actually them, but a nicer more loving and more caring ‘them’, that other fictitious person who’s out there somewhere just wanting to do nothing more than look after my every need.
And as always when my bad feelings come up I can feel the wrestle going on inside me: I should just push those feelings of being so pathetic aside, “Stop carry on James, stop behaving like your pathetic mother, you don’t have to be like she is, you can do it, now stop crying, you’re not going to get everything your own way, and smarten up, pull yourself together, grow up, be like a real man, be like your grandfather, he’s not always complaining about how hard everything is in life - how do you think you’ll ever get anywhere if you don’t get on and do it for yourself”, which sounds like she’s on my side and trying to help me stand up for myself and do what I want, which was all very well yet she didn’t let me, it was all just words and all so long as what I did suited her, but as soon as I stepped over the line it was very different, and NO! And then I have Marion’s Way, which is to just cave in to all my bad feelings, to allow myself to be as pathetic as I feel, all whilst expressing all the bad feelings each step of the way. And as I am stick and tired of fighting against myself and my own feelings, so it is easier now I’m better at it, to submit to the yuk feelings allowing myself to be as bad and stupid and weak and hopeless and pathetic as I feel.
So I moaned my way through my shopping, everything was too hard, I didn’t fight my bad feelings because they are what is true - IT IS WHAT I AM FEELING, IT IS HOW I AM. So what’s the point fighting it, as much as I don’t want to be this way, I HATE BEING SO PATHETIC, but I am it - it’s my feelings.
And gradually I could feel myself accepting myself being as I am. Slowly the belief that was keeping in place the wrongness that I’m not meant to be pathetic, that I’m not, that I am someone else other than how I feel, lessened and faded away until I was left with, oh well, nothing I can do about it anyway, it’s me, it’s how I am, I’ve got this far in life being the same useless person so I may as well just keep going. I capitulated, still expressing as bad as I felt, longing for the truth of why I felt so useless.
And I know, as I can feel, I have changed, I’ve accepted my true unloved self more. I’m not resisting and fighting against myself pretending I am someone, the capable man I am not. And that’s all I do, yes admit I am all but useless; and for some reason, which I don’t know and can’t understand why, God keeps me going as this most useless of all creatures. And that until God might want me to be otherwise, so I will keep going in my shit life which I hate by am accepting more so not hating as much, if that makes any sense; but that’s how it happens strangely enough as we accept all the yuk that we are.
And recently I’ve even gone beyond waiting for something to happen, waiting for God to fix me, it’s just moment by moment trying to life true to my feelings and not even thinking about the future. It’s hard because all I’ve ever done is project a fantasy me out into a fantasy future, but that’s easing up as I’m coming out of my mind, being left with and in my feelings.
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Post by James on Jul 9, 2016 21:15:04 GMT 10
Lost I am a lost soul, being untrue to myself. Today in trying to express my yuk feeling I realised I was lost, that I felt lost, and that I’ve felt that all my life underneath my believing I was okay. So long as I had something I was doing that I thought was worthwhile I felt all right, but now all those things have gone or moved aside allowing me to feel the truth of my unloved state - lost.
Now James, the word for today is: LOST. Lost is the truth of yourself. You feel lost, you are lost, and how you are feeling right now is how feeling lost feels like - yuk! It’s not a good feeling. Lost, when you feel into it, when you just be it, LOST, it is all it conjurers up. Lost: of no connection, with no purpose, no reason for being, nothing to do that is important, what’s the use, what’s the point, why bother, inertia, nothing, nowhere to go, nothing to look forward to, meaningless, of no account, nobody, dead but not dead; wish I were dead, powerless, miserable - Lost. Lost, lost, lost: I am lost. Alone drifting off into space with no future, no present that makes me feel good, no good feelings at all, good past memories not even strong enough to penetrate the unhappiness. Lost. I am Lost. I am not found, I don’t know how to find myself, I’ve tried I can see all these years but failed, being lost is too strong. I am lost to myself, lost to my soul, I have no connection with my heart, no feelings of love, enjoyment, nothing to live for - blank, empty, zero - lost.
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Post by James on Jul 11, 2016 21:38:01 GMT 10
I dreamt I was in an aquarium shop feeling excited about buying some new exotic tropical fish I knew this shop sold. I’d not been in it for a long time; it was owned by a women however she wasn’t working this day. I stepped down a step into the room that had lots of newly made fish tanks for sale in it, and stumbled and fell against a big 13 foot tank that was waiting to be picked up by its new owner, and the tank broke in half. I was mortified, so upset that I’d broken it, and what was I going to do - pay for it?, but it would cost so much money, and yet I couldn’t expect the owner to write it off as just bad luck. And what about the person the tank was going to, they’d be so disappointed having to wait for a new tank to be built. What was I going to do? I felt so bad, my day was ruined, my life was all over.
As soon as I started speaking to Marion about my dream I realised the absurdity of it, there would be no way I could break such a huge and strongly built tank by stumbling against it as I did in my dream. I would break before that thick glass did. But it seemed so real, such bad feelings, and again as I expressed them I could see that it was what I’m always scared about, that I will break whatever it is that I shouldn’t break, and I will ruin it for everyone. Then I thought, I broke it how I was broken, how they broke my nose, how they broke my will, how they deprived me of everything I wanted saying I would break it. So I can’t have a life because I will break it, I will ruin it - for myself and everyone else. I just have to stay sitting still, ‘Read your book and be quiet!”, all so I keep out of everyone’s way not doing anything I shouldn’t. And it was interesting that the shop was owned by a woman, but she wasn’t there - mum. But it was a nicer woman, so I hoped she’d say it wasn’t my fault, these things can’t be helped - mum when she was a bit nicer to me? But I was still so scared of what would happen, all that glass to be thrown away, such a waste, so much money, the inconvenience, and it was all my fault. I did it - it’s always my fault. I hate it always being my fault - why am I so bad? Why am I always the bad one, why is my bother and sister not as bad as me? - what’s wrong with me... is there something wrong with me?, why can’t I get everything right?, why do I always say the wrong things, use the wrong words?... is there something wrong with my head?
My dream helped me feel how hopeless I feel about myself and life. I can’t trust myself not to break everything. I just wanted to buy some new little fish and look what happened. It’s best that I stay out of the way, stay away, but then I don’t have anything - it all makes me feel so miserable again. I feel defeated and so self-defeating, I can’t fight such feelings with anger as they are too overwhelming. They well and truly did me in, I can never get excited about anything because look what will happen. Life is against me, it’s not for me to enjoy and feel happy in.
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Post by James on Jul 19, 2016 21:17:33 GMT 10
It wasn't love after all With Marion’s help again I’ve come to understand that what I called love, as in loving my girlfriends, was really my deep desire for them to want me, to make me feel liked and wanted, so if they showed me they liked me, then that made me ‘love’ them. I would approach them wanting to touch and hug and hold them, and if they responded then I felt I loved them. And I could see it’s just me wanting to touch and hug and hold mum and not be rejected by her. I wanted her to favourably respond to me, so when she did, I felt love for her, but when she didn’t, I didn’t know what to do. So now I understand even more clearly that I don’t have any idea what feeling love for and feeling loved by someone else feels like. All I thought my past feelings of love were I now fully understand were not true love feelings but something my mind made up. All my so-called feelings of love had faded away, so it couldn’t have been real and true love for that would never have gone.
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Post by James on Jul 22, 2016 19:14:03 GMT 10
I’m the richest man on Earth - ha, ha... or: I wish!
Image you were in extreme soul-pain and were offered the cure but it cost all the money you had - surely you’d willingly hand over the money as fast as you could to rid yourself of the excruciating pain. You’d give anything to heal yourself - ANYTHING... wouldn’t you? So I (along with Marion) am offering the soul-pain remedy, which everyone needs - SO HAND OVER ALL YOUR CASH! So here we are dependent on .gov handouts and yet really we’re sitting on the biggest pile of gold, and yet we can’t get our hands on it. We can only get a couple of people interested in doing their Healing, and as we can’t charge for it anyway, so the gold remains buried. Dam!
It’s funny isn’t it how Jesus didn’t have a cent to his name, he was dependent on other people providing for his material needs once he stopped his carpentry work and started his spiritual career, and yet all the big religious leaders of our world are mega rich, either personally themselves or are the organisations they head. Jesus gave all his money to the poor, yet the poor are expected to give their money to fund these monstrous religious institutions.
The Urantia Book has quite a following, and according to them, it’s steadily growing. And I see more websites are popping up devoted to what they believe is the New Religion Of Jesus, in a way I guess something like Jesus’ second coming. Which includes the right way to live as Jesus said according to the book; the ‘Living with Jesus’ second and better updated version compared to the failing first Christian version. But as we understand, they are way off the mark with their fantasy Jesus trying to introduce their UB religion of Jesus through the use of the mind.
Then comes the ‘Divine Love movement’, which is somewhat closer to the mark, for at least they include the notion of longing directly to God for His Love, but that’s just ticking over in terms of increasing numbers of people being interested in it. So their ‘new way’ or ‘divine love religion’ is very slow in the uptake, which is all very well anyway as it’s yet another mind version of ‘living with Jesus’.
And then comes Divine Love Spirituality, which being on the mark, if I say so myself, is moving along slower than a snail. So the thing that would most benefit a person and humanity as a whole is the thing people will be the least interested in, which says a lot about how well ingrained is the Rebellion and Default. People would much rather keep all their pain spending their money on all the false healing things that will only make them feel worse, rather than shell-out and embrace the very thing that will cure them of all pain. And then it’s even more farcical that DLS is free. Occasionally I wonder what would happen if I packaged DLS up into some sort of spiritual/healing wonder package charging $1000 a pop for the Ten Steps To Salvation... or $5000 Deluxe Package which includes extra special steps like: How to have a mental breakdown, How to let yourself feel as rotten and unloved as you can, How to sever all your relationships and live as lonely a life as possible; and the big one, The Golden Nugget: How to feel as miserable and as depressed as ever knowing you’re not going to feel loved by your soulmate until you’ve done your Healing.
Yup, it’s a strange world we live on.
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Post by James on Jul 22, 2016 20:09:11 GMT 10
At the BB
A retired couple at the Bush Bank have seven children all of whom they love and are loved by. Their children are currently having children and so there’s lots of comings and goings by the grandparents to visit their newly arrived grandchildren as is there lots of comings and goings of everyone coming to visit them. They were telling me how they view their children as a sacred gift, individuals in their own right and people who they were just helping come out into their own life, and would die of shock to consider them, like my parents thought of me, as being their possession there for them to do whatever they liked with. The mother said one of her big regrets and error which two daughters have as they’ve got older made her be more aware of, is that she didn’t give these two children as much of her attention as the others got, all because the others were more forceful and demanding, making her pay attention to them. And that it was easier to do so under the misguided belief (which she now sees) that as the two girls weren’t demanding and seemed able to take care of themselves, so she didn’t need to focus on them as much. But with her daughters now telling her of the hurt they feel about feeling missed out and neglected and not as loved as much by her, so she too is feeling the pain she has caused them. But she said that they talk about it when they are together and cry together, and she feels very humble that they respect her enough to share their pain with her, all of which helps them feel better about themselves and gives them something of a feeling that at least now even as mothers themselves their mother is paying more attention to them. So this mother is showing me that if your heart is in the right place and you openly express what you feel and accept all that is said, then healing will naturally take place. She is also giving me something of an example of the opposite ‘type’ of mother to mine. She said to me: But doesn’t your mother want to hear if you’re not happy with her? Oh yeah sure like slam the phone down on me having told me “It’s all that Marion’s fault!”
Another volunteer I work with at the BB believes he knows what’s best for the husbandry of the plants. That the women in charge doesn’t have a clue and that the whole place would fall about and all the plants would die if he wasn’t there to keep things in order. Every week he complains to me: “But James, what am I going to do - why doesn’t she listen to me, the plants are not getting what they need, I don’t know why I bother coming here!” And I too share his concerns, for there is a lot of weird stuff concerning the ‘looking after’ of the plants that goes on, however each time I’ve felt angry about it I’ve expressed all my anger and frustration to Marion and we’ve discussed all that’s come up concerning wherever those bad feelings took me within myself, which was of course mostly back to mum and dad. And my relationship with the place and the woman who runs it changes every week, and for the better, and I no longer feel the anger I felt, and neither am I projecting all my angst onto the woman who runs it wanting to have power over her (mum) and for her to do as I say. So the experience of the last six months has shown me just how effective going with your bad feelings, expressing them and longing for their truth, is, for I can see how much I’ve changed as I was just like his man who hasn’t changed a bit and it still angry about the same things. So I can plainly see that if you don’t fully acknowledge your feelings and allow them to have their rightful effect on you, then you are never going to change. And he resists all my talking to him about feelings, just as he doesn’t see how I’m no longer the same as he is. And boy oh boy, do I love my feelings of growing and moving on and not being endlessly caught up in the same annoying things!
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Post by James on Jul 23, 2016 21:02:13 GMT 10
I’m a successful failure.
I’ve been seeing lately how we’re all retarded in some way or another from our forming years. I feel like I’m a retarded two to three-year-old who wants to do everything himself and without having to consider the other person. However I’m a fucked three-year-old who’s hardly capable of doing what needs to be done to keep ticking over. Whereas our neighbour who I feel in some ways is a lot like me, is also a retarded three-year-old but one who is far more capable than I am so giving the illusion that he is succeeding in life, when in reality he’s a selfish git who doesn’t give a shit or consider anyone, and particularly me his neighbour, just as I don’t. So when he replaced his shed’s roof last Saturday and being only a weekend visitor to his holiday house and unknowingly sealed in the big brushtail possum that was living in the rafters who being scared off from his nest hid behind the cupboards remaining hidden there to slowly starve to death, he didn’t come and say thank you for alerting him to what horror he’d done, because I was a bother making him have to come down to the Island when he wasn’t intending to, making him replace the padlock his brother had to cut off to let it out at night in the meantime because Marion and I had heard strange noises that got progressively louder through the week as it was banging away for nights trying desperately to gnaw and break its way out. When I told the agent what had happened and they having said they’d contact him, all I got told was to not go over into his place as it was trespassing and not to feed the possum at all, which I said I’d done by putting food through the little hole it has gnawed up under the ceiling, which thankfully settled it down for the night so eventually at three o’clock Thursday morning I could go to sleep without worrying so much about it. So now he’s come and flushed the possum out and secured the shed without a word to me, without considering all Marion and I had to go through because of him, and without considering the possum either as there were other ways he could have flushed it out making it easier on the creature. But no, the successful moron three-year-old adult succeeded in his mind to rid himself of yet another problem, not considering anyone else’s feelings let alone no doubt his own. All of which I can relate to in myself being just like he is, of which I had no idea about and no feelings for being so disconnected from them before I began my Healing.
Marion said this morning as we were talking about it all and all we felt, that she felt she was the possum feeling hopelessly trapped and wish she could just die being left unloved to slowly suffer the horrendous death she expects will come. She is on the side of not feeling she is unsuccessful in life, unable to cope, a pathetic useless waste of time. Whereas there might possibly be other people with her same retardation but like our neighbour who are on the other side of the fence so to speak, being able to cope and succeed in life.
So we’re all fucked only it would appear some of us are more fucked than others. In that some of us weren’t given the power to express our fuckedness enabling us to be a ‘success’ in the world. So being a success means nothing, as we know, for what is the definition of success - being successfully evil? And we’re all successfully evil, just some of us more unable to do what we want in life.
And now I can see that this man is really once again mum, and I am the same as her only a failure at being like her. She no doubt considers her life a success although not as successful as she’d wish, but definitely not a failure. And yet she took my spirit from me, sucked me dry, preventing me from getting on. So she successfully fucked me up.
And wether it’s a success materially or spiritually, it doesn’t matter. I understand also now that even though I am a failure materially I believed I was a success spiritually because of DLS and all the Healing I’ve done. But is that really the truth? No, for I am not spiritually successful either. I’m doing this time I call my Healing, it is slowly helping me see the truth of myself, and that is that I am a failure all round. I couldn’t make a go of anything in the Rebellion, other than just dragging myself along deluding myself I was whilst someone else looks after me. But the truth is I’m not right, I’m no one, just as Marion is feeling today. So we’re both completely useless people, that being how we were made to feel about ourselves.
So if I have anything of a success about me, it’s that I successfully failed in an unloving life. Some claim to fame that is!
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Post by James on Sept 10, 2016 21:56:15 GMT 10
As of late understandings about DLS and the Healing specifically seemed to have stalled, or perhaps I no longer need to push further into them. Lately I feel like I’m stepping back and just feeling what I feel about it all and certain things come forward for me to expand my understanding and appreciation of all that’s come to light.
For example during the week the notion of Jesus not doing anything to help us Heal ourselves has been growing in importance. I completely understand now that neither he nor Mary personally when on Earth, nor The Urantia Book or the Padgett Messages help us to get out of our wrongness. I know I’ve said this before but the truth of it is pressing harder on me, to fully grasp and acknowledge the enormity of it.
Jesus ended the influence of the Evil Ones. He talked about the Father and the Father’s Love. He touched on some other bits of truth, most of which was lost in the Bible, some of which is covered in the PM and UB. And he spoke a lot of Natural love truth about how we should morally live and treat one other, nothing that’s very earth shattering and more like common sense to anyone who has any feelings. But what he DIDN’T do, was reveal the truths that would lead us out of the Rebellion and Default. So we took all he said and used it to further our wrongness, and we still are.
So looking to Jesus to save you is not going to do anything for you other than to further lead you from the truth of yourself and your soul, which you can only find through the truth of your feelings.
And this has led me to further look at humanity understanding that basically all we do is to simply fill in time using our mind to pretend we’re not bored with the sheer unloving nothingness of our lives.
We develop trade using money, business, philosophies and religions trying to explain the meaning of life, we indulge in sex, we fantasise about all sorts of things, we build machines, we study, we learn about things with our minds, we have relationships that denying so many feelings replacing them with things of the mind - it’s all MIND, MIND, MIND. The Rebellion and Default is a mental abstraction - a mental construct, it’s something we do - a negative way of life, and an unhappy and unloving way of life - that we ‘live’ through our minds. How we conduct ourselves in our evilness is all through and with our minds in control. Living with the mind in control of ones true feelings is wrong, it’s evil, and it’s what is the matter with us.
We are completely preoccupied with the mind. We have to busy ourselves with things of the mind, all to keep us away from what we truly feel. And all because so many of those feelings are bad ones, ones that we don’t want to feel.
And I’ve further come to understand the truth of Marion’s and my relationship. I present to her all that her parents were, so in her objection to what I say and do, objecting because I make her feel bad, she is able to stand up to me, and as I’m standing in for her parents, so she’s standing up to her parents telling them, no, that is wrong, you are not right saying that and being that way. And how you are makes me feel bad, it’s unloving. And you have no right assuming and insisting that I be as you are. She is able to express herself to me whereas she couldn’t express herself to her parents - she couldn’t tell them how bad they were making her feel, and they failed to see it with their own eyes. And so as she expresses all her bad feelings, all the ones they made her feel, so the truth of her relationship with them, and then with the world and herself, comes to light.
And for me, I was spoon-fed all the so-called right ways to be. This is how you are James, this is how life is, this is how you are to be in life so you will be happy and successful. And I took it all believing they were right and knew what they were talking about. I grew into an adult believing I was right and nothing was wrong with me, even though I felt scared and was unhappy - but those bad feelings mostly I was able to push aside.
And so Marion is for me as my parents and grandparents were. She pulls me up saying, no James, that is not right, how you say and do that is making you and myself unhappy, it’s why you feel scared, it’s why none of your relationships work; she is saying no, what your parents and grandparents told you was wrong, what I am telling is right. So here I am, nothing has changed, my life is the same, only the face of who is telling me how to be has changed. And now I believe Marion is right, as I’ve see it for myself and felt the good feelings that result from following her, understanding my parents were wrong and only made me feel bad.
So for each of us in our own ways we’ve not actually left our early life, we’re still in it, only we’re changing in how we relate to it and ourselves. So we’re still in our early life but slowly transforming it from making us feel bad into making us feel good, transforming our beliefs and behaviour and mental understanding.
So we’re not having a conventional ‘loving’ relationship. We’re having a Healing relationship, one in which there is no deep intimate love because there wasn’t any deep intimate personal love in our early lives. And we’ve having to accept this about ourselves and our relationship, dropping all pretence and fantasy that it’s something other than just hard grind being together as we use each other to bring up all our repressed bad feelings. It’s a harrowing relationship, it’s unrelenting, the pressure rarely eases up, but it’s how we want it, we don’t want to get off the Healing-train to take time out and smell the roses.
Lately as I feel even less like writing, at best how I feel today is making these little update posts so as keep some sort of context of our Healing on the forum, instead of just ending any communication and for those people interested in the Healing leaving them wondering what happened to us, and did we ever manage to finish our Healing.
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Post by James on Sept 30, 2016 21:05:41 GMT 10
Although I’ve written about it before, as I think it’s now the most important part of my Healing, so I’ll try and write about again. It’s my awakening to see how unexpressive I am, how much I don’t express my feelings and emotions because I’m scared to. I speak about things but leave myself - what I feel and even think about them - out of it. I tell the story about what I’ve done, seen, said, but not what I felt in any of it. And without expressing ones feelings and emotions one can’t reach out and connect with another person.
My Healing has really been about understanding how I can’t express myself, which I think is really what all of our Healing will be about - why we can’t fully and freely express all of ourselves truly. I’ve had to express out me all my repressed feelings and emotions, all that has led me to see how retarded I am, how unable I am to relate to other people, and how I’ve been walled-off and stuck in my belief and behaviour patterns all of which keep me separate and away from people rather than wanting to come close and get to know them.
It’s been very difficult to accept that I don’t actually want to have a close personal relationship with Marion - or anyone, that I have wanted to be with someone but spend more time actually rejecting them and not making them want to be close to me, keeping them at arms length rather than wanting to unite with them. And the only way I think people unite intimately is through sex, all so superficial, physical and impersonal.
And I can’t see how I’m going to ‘come out’. I feel so reticent to share, and I don’t know how to as I never did when I was young, it wasn’t part of how I was. And when with someone, I don’t know how to converse; how much should I ask them about themselves, how much should I tell them about myself, and can it be too much or too less either way? And what about commenting on some aspect of that other person, their look or what they said, is that rude like Gran said it was, or is it good because it shows you’re taking an interest in them and enjoy how they are. Are there hidden lines you don’t cross - where are they and how do you know? And what horrible thing will happen to you if you do cross them. And what about just being yourself, yet how do you do that when you don’t even know and can’t feel what ‘yourself’ is.
I met this guy today who was totally friendly, open about anything, spoke effortlessly about whatever, wasn’t nervous being with a stranger, easily accepted me for being how I was, spoke to me as if were old friends - welcoming and accommodating, took an immediate interest in me, happy to share himself and ask me about myself, willing to listen to what I said without jumping in and having to take over, easy in sharing the power, feeling obviously very self-confident and yet humble and not showing off in any way. And being with him I could feel how scared I was which causes me to be shy and to stand back, nervous about how will he take what I say, and will he like me or reject me, and what do I do, how far do I go with him, what is it all about, just meeting a stranger and having a few moments with him - what do you talk about, how should I be?
I had no idea that ‘being spiritual’ was really about understanding each other, is more full of psychology than anything else. And using each other to understand oneself. To think that it’s all come down to the focus on the person - the personality and how personalities interact, and that gives rise to feelings, and then through those feelings we can find the truth - and the truth of everything, from our soul to God.
Which all makes perfect sense, our Mother and Father being personalities, and creating masses of children who are personalities, and we are all to interact lovingly, and some unlovingly like in our case whilst we’re untrue, and that’s what it’s all about - personality interaction, with our focus through our Healing on where it’s all going wrong for us.
So really just being told we can long for the Divine Love and it will transform us into becoming perfect as God is perfect - as TUB says, is really not much help to us so far as knowing what it really is all about. It sort of misses out a lot?
And we’re not told that if we want to live God’s Will and be at-one with God then we have to be able to truly and perfectly - so lovingly, be able to express ourselves properly, and until you can, forget it. So how do you express yourself properly - what does that mean; and if you are aware that you’re not being true to yourself and all you feel, then how do you change yourself - or, heal yourself?
And it’s all very well knowing about the existence of Paradise and wanting to ascend in truth so you can go there, to understand about life after death and the mansion worlds and Celestial spheres, and to understand about prayer and faith and devotion and even truth, and wanting to follow Mary and Jesus, and so on, but what good does any of that do for you if you’re not able to express all you feel in each moment?
We have to express our soul-personality truly in Creation before we can experience the joys of living as children of loving Parents. And having started off denying our soul its expression, being all screwed up in how we express our personality and interact with other personalities, then we first have to fix those problems. We can’t drive the car to get where we need to go if it doesn’t work properly.
And then to understand the key to fixing ourselves up is to accept just how untrue we are, to live true to our wrongness, that too is not something we’re told, being told that’s the wrong way to go, that we should use our mind to override all weakness, and not submit and allow yourself to be overwhelmed and consumed by your bad feelings, looking to use them to find that self-acceptance.
And yet when you understand that you don’t feel good, happy and loved, that you are not right, why fight it when you can’t overcome it, when all you do by pretending you are overcoming it only burys such weakness and bad feelings about yourself deeper within you. And how much is that really going to help you? So then to go the other way makes more sense, but it’s so hard to do, having to break down all your programming accepting you are as bad as you feel, and then feeling so powerless to do anything about it - because you can’t, having to accept unconditionally that you are the worthless, useless, waste of space that no one wants, likes or loves, because you are - because that is how you feel.
Where are the great religions and spiritual philosophises of our day, or of yesterday, that tell us such things... and why aren’t they telling us... why are they all still wanting to lead us further from ourselves?
So I’ve been as I’ve said easing off the so-called ‘spiritual stuff’ focusing more on how badly I express myself and all the problems and bad feelings that causes me - which is me being as spiritual as I can be because I’m working to fully accept my patheticness and denial of myself and my untrue state, which is growing in the truth of my wrongness - growing in awareness and understanding of it. God wants me to understand myself, and as God has started me off in Creation in the wrongness, so my first step is to understand my wrongness - so to accept wholly that I am wrong, and all the ways I am wrong, right done to the smallest detail, which all adds up to why I’m not and why I can’t fully and truly express the whole of my souls personality, where my will has been compromised so I can’t express my part or half of the soulmate pair that I am.
So if anyone were to ask me now what being spiritual is, I’d say it’s working to fix up your self-expression by seeing the truth of why you’re not fully and lovingly expressing yourself. It is accepting that you are dysfunctional and expressing all you feel about that and all that makes you feel, and accepting all those feelings and untrue aspects about yourself. And the more you do that the closer to your soul, to expressing your part of your soul, you will become, and so too will you become closer to the Soul that created you.
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Post by James on Oct 23, 2016 21:24:51 GMT 10
Hating each other
Another torrid day, slogging it out with Marion. Spewing all our hatred out at each other, for that’s what it comes down to, that being so it seems as the inevitable goal of doing our Healing together. When you both come from unloving upbringings, so all you know is how to be unloving, which means, hating, there’s little chance of any true love being present - for how can there be any love when all we’ve known is no-love.
But it’s so hard to accept, yet down we plunge feeling how much we hate ourselves and how much we hate each other - how much we hate everything, including the Mother and Father. Hate, hate, hate, and only more hatred of ourselves and everything when all we feel is bad, endless bad feelings, nothing good, or only good for a moments reprieve, but then it’s all bad again.
Who’d want to do their Healing knowing they are going to feel so bad all the time. But what other options are there, and denying your bad feelings only means you’ll feel bad for longer when you finally get around to allowing yourself to fully feel all your yuk. But still, having a relationship in which you’re both working on yourselves doing your Healing, both helping each other in all the ways that come about through your bad-feeling expression to do your Healing, doesn’t augur well for any great love you might feel for each other.
To consider, then accept, that your relationship is not one that’s going to make you feel loved, that it’s all about helping each other to feel as bad as you can, is, to say the least, a different type of relationship - an Anti-Love relationship.
And yet what is it that keeps us together - why in our hatred of each other doesn’t our relationship blow apart? Certainly people can love and hate to some degree each other within an overall loving relationship, but staying together when there is no love and nearly only repulsion, rejection, when mostly everything the other person does and says annoys the shit out of you, and yet you still want to be together... are we insane?
And it is ONLY because we keep expressing all our bad stuff that we’ve remained together - so we are helping each other express our repressed feelings, helping to stir them up in each other, but still, what a fucked relationship... or perhaps, is it the right type of relationship one can have in the wrongness, one that is going against all that is considered right and loving by people who are living untrue. Insane, mad, fucked, it’s all of those things that’s for sure, just as that’s what we all are anyway in our anti-truth states of unlovingness, even those people who do feel love for each other.
So what happens, where does it end? Are we to work ourselves back into our hatred so completely that there is nothing left - and then what? And so what, why not, why not have a life and relationship that explores no-love, just as why not have life and relationship that explores love. Who says one is wrong, one just is full of bad feelings, but so what, they are only bad feelings, and as bad as they are, you sort of get used to them, accept them, that being within the parameters of your experience. I don’t think I’d want to be pushed outside and deeper in feeling worse than I’ve ever felt, what I feel is bad enough... but who knows, I might have to... I don’t know what or where the end will be. How bad is it that I have to feel? It terrifies me to think that I might have to feel worse than I have this far in my Healing.
And so Marion I can only keep going to see what happens, as we can’t stop or go back or do anything else. So we can only keep bringing out our hated for ourselves and each other, which as we understand is all really just the hatred our parents had for themselves, each other, and for us. We only know their hatred, we are of them, we don’t know any other hatred, and it would be the same if it were love. We are their product, we can’t step outside of them, so we have to keep working ourselves back into being now as an adult all how it was being with them as a child.
Marion and I can’t be more at odds with each other, with the only thing we have in common being the desire to do our Healing, to uncover all the truth we are to see about ourselves through our feelings. And I wonder and dread if our Healing will take us to the point of even having to give up this common bond. Can we stay together though it all, or are we mad even trying? And as we’re mad anyway, we will keep going as long as those feelings are stronger than feelings of wanting to end it and go our separate ways.
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Post by James on Oct 25, 2016 21:54:43 GMT 10
I’m so scared of mum, and I never knew it.
Upon getting up this morning Marion asked me who made the noise bringing in the rubbish bins. I didn’t know which of our neighbours it was, but I instantly felt scared, scared that I didn’t know, that Marion - who is mum - would then yell at me for not knowing. But I had to tell the truth and say I didn’t know, I couldn’t have lied making something up because she might find out I had lied and it would be even worse.
But the thing was that my feelings have taken me to this point now in being able to feel in a small thing like that with Marion how scared I feel, and knowing as I’m feeling it, that it’s not Marion I’m afraid of, but mum. I can feel/remember being back with mum, feeling so scared all the time, and scared no matter what she did or said, it was just being with her that was scary, and I never understood this, or rather, I’d blocked it out, so as I grew older and as and adult, if anyone had said I was scared of my mother I’d have said, no I’m not, what are you talking about, not wanting to admit that my own mother scares the shit of me.
And in discussing these feelings with Marion as I was expressing how scared I felt, I also wondered by I didn’t hate mum as Marion hates her mother, why I’ve come to hate her through my Healing, believing that I must have hated her when I was a child, but as yet not really connecting with this hatred, assuming that it much surely be there deep within me somewhere.
But as Marion said, your parents didn’t allow you to hate them. They made it so you were the bad one, not them, so if anything you hated yourself for being wrong and bad and not how they wanted you to be, which you’ve got more in touch with, but they deflected any hate you might have had for them; so being a child you just naturally accepted the way of things, that you were the wrong one, they were good, and even though you now can see how scared they made you feel, still they didn’t allow you to or make you hate them, whereas my parents did, they hated me and allowed me to hate them, even though I could never express those feelings to them; but within myself I knew, whereas you didn’t know, so hatred of them wasn’t part of your early life so you’ve had to develop your hatred as you’ve uncovered the truth of their not loving you through your Healing.
And I can see looking back that nothing and no one made me realise that I did hate them, whereas Marion says lots of things showed her and helped her to know only too well that she hated her parents.
And so I’m realising that part of my difficulty is my narrow range of feeling awareness I had as a child. I might have had the feelings, but because I never was allowed to fully understand and name and become aware of just what it was I was feeling, as our family was so devoid of any feeling expression, so I’m retarded in that compared to what it seems most children are aware of. So a huge part of my Healing has included Marion helping me to identify my bad feelings, and for me to slowly become familiar with them, like hate - what does it really feel like when I’ve never allowed myself to hate? And I know it might sound impossible to someone who has known full well what hate is, but for me I’ve sort of known with my mind and had little feelings of hatred, but not full-blown, full-on, raging hatred. And when Marion expresses her full-on hatred I feel so scared, I want her to stop, I try to appease her by finding solutions to her problems, all the same tactics my parents used on me so as to stop me expressing and so becoming aware of such intense feelings. Marion is what I’d call a very deep and feeling-intense person, whereas compared to her I’m very shallow and rarely get stirred up much, although I feel a lot of fear and misery, but it’s always the same steady amount, never huge surges like Marion does.
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