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Post by James on Aug 19, 2015 17:54:03 GMT 10
Marion’s moved further into hating everything, so rejecting everything. There is nothing about herself, me, life, the world, that she likes, let alone loves. She hates it all. She hates herself as she was hated. Her illness of late has helped her to feel so bad about every aspect of herself and her life, worse than she did feel which was very bad, hating every part of it. She’s not leaving any stone unturned so far as hating everything and herself goes.
And she is showing me that it’s right how she is, because in such wrongness how else can you possibly feel. When you’re completely wrong, to wake up completely to that truth will mean surely that you completely hate all your wrongness, so all of yourself that is wrong, just as you will completely hate all that is wrong in life and in the world. All being the exact opposite of you’d feel if you were perfectly loving and true - if you felt truly loved.
It has to be one hundred percent rejection of evil, there’s no use allowing a little bit to remain because that bit is not so bad. So she’s leading herself and I into complete rejection of all that we know life - our lives - to be. I don’t know whether it will be the same for other people, whether they will like and even love some parts of themselves and their lives because they weren’t so heavily rejected and made to feel so unloved by their parents as Marion was, with those parts not needing to be focused on, but still all that is wrong within them will need to be rejected - hated, and not loved - once it comes to light.
So if you feel hate, go for it, don’t hold back, allow yourself to feel and express all the hatred and unlovingness, whilst longing to know the truth of why you’re feeling it.
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Post by James on Aug 20, 2015 18:27:34 GMT 10
Marion says she’s brought out all she’s feared about herself, it all turning out to be true - all she didn’t want to believe about herself, but knew was there anyway, and that it was true what she’s always felt; she’s now accepted herself as being as she did feel. She is the piece of shit she believes she is. It’s the truth of what she thought about herself, the truth her parents made her believe. And because she’s worthless and no one would have her, as that’s what they said, so she has to be with someone she doesn’t like - me - someone whom she can’t relate to, someone she can’t easily communicate with, because no one else would have her, and for some strange reason I keep wanting to be with her. And she can’t leave me because she’s too fucked; and it would take someone coming into her life who can do all I do for her and also communicate easily and lovingly with her for her to leave and be with them. But as she doesn’t even go out of the house anymore, for that someone to come and find her... it’s a slim chance.
And I have today seen about myself how in every interaction with another person I am scared, my mind scrambles, it all being with mum and dad still. I am at right-angles to them, we don’t gel, they didn’t allow me to with them, so I don’t with anyone else like Marion. When I’m alone out and about I feel fine, my mind is clear, I don’t feel scared like I used to, and I can easily chat away with my unseen friends, although I do far less of that these days. But as soon as I come near another person, and especially Marion, and have to start thinking and speaking about just all the normal everyday things my mind panics and starts to go blank - in my panic I forget all that’s gone before, feeling like I have to stand to attention, do as I’m told, not cause any problems, prepare to take the criticism, and generally switch off going into protection mode. And it’s incredible, I just blank out all that’s gone before. It’s time to make the toast for Marion’s lunch, but blank, I can’t remember which bread to use, what she has on it, and so on, even though I just made it yesterday. It’s a struggle to bring my mind to work to think: now how was it, what did I do yesterday? I’m so conditioned to being told how to everything all the time, so the same things over and over by Gran and mum, so I am always waiting for Marion to tell me yet again what I am to do, I can’t remember and work it out for myself. And I feel so fucked, so demented, all the miserable feelings of late, like the past twenty years I’ve felt like shit all rolled into one.
But I also feel that’s about it, I can’t imagine anymore, my whole problem is I am allergic to and so fearful of interaction, and with anyone, as I didn’t have anyone - unlike Marion who had her nice loving Granny - in my early life that helped me lay down an alternative pattern to mum, dad and Gran. So everyone is them, at the Bush Bank I can see how I project them onto everyone and behave accordingly. With this person I’m back with dad, with this person back with mum, this person back with Gran, with this person it’s a composite of mum and Gran, dad and mum, dad and Gran and so on. I can slot everyone into the formula. And I can see it all now, seeing it through my feelings. So I know it’s true. Yuk. No wonder I’ve never been able to have any good relationships and I’ve always felt weird in them, and I’ve always blamed the other person. Now at least I can blame myself. My experiences with Marion and these other people keep showing me - confirming the truth.
Marion reckons as of today she’s feeling there’s not much else we can do to help each other, that we’ve sort of come to the end of the line, unless there is a lot more deeper stuff that she’s not aware of that will come up. I’ve actually been expecting her to say something like this, following on from what she said some weeks ago about feeling like she’s finished working on herself - or whatever it was, I can’t even remember now.
I am finding it curious her saying such things and feeling such things along the lines of coming to some sort of end, which might only be yet another phase concluding; yet coinciding with so many people saying September on the world level will mark also some kind of end, with the financial crash beginning in earnest, war and so on, none of which might happen, but still, it’s all quite interesting.
And although our relationship has come down to one of being more utilitarian that anything else, and even though she says she hates me and I hate her, still we are closer and more friendly than we’ve ever been, as we’re both being truer to our feelings. So like with everything to do with the healing, it’s all arse-about: what you think is the wrong way to go ends up feeling it’s the right way, and what you think is the right way is wrong. Nothing is as it seems to be because we’ve been led to believe it is something that’s it’s not.
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Post by James on Aug 22, 2015 13:11:12 GMT 10
Getting needs met.
Marion and I are together so we can help each other bring out our repressed needs. She particularly needs to be with me being the mess I am so she can feel bad, struggle trying to work out why, thereby bringing to light what she should have been able to say to her parents demanding they pay attention to her and give her want she needed.
Our denial is all because of our early needs not being met, and we’ve had to fill those needs artificially with other things or just block them out altogether. But until they are all met we can never feel truly happy, so through our healing we’re identifying where and which needs aren’t being and weren’t met so we can now feel the outstanding needs and fulfil them ourselves or bring about the situation to get them met - such as my doing things and being for her how she needs, all of which is naturally happening the more I free myself up from not truly expressing all I feel. And as I become truer, so too am I uncovering the needs I have denied; I express and act on them getting what I need or demanding their fulfilment from Marion.
Yesterday it was the first lovely spring day. I had collected some beautiful lush dark green water plants from a dam at the Bush Bank which I wanted to plant in a new yet very sparse lake at the Cowes cemetery, and at another dam closer to home. I did the lake and felt so good, I planted the plants where I could with a Cape Barren Goose overseeing my activities, and with the swans and swaphens; and it’s such a nice setting and how the lake has been landscaped; and then having come home that was enough for one day, so my old pattern said: you’re tired James, have a rest - something to eat. Then having got Marion’s afternoon snack, suddenly, no, I wanted to go and plant the other dam near us, I wanted to go out again enjoying the sun and the warmth and not waiting until another day which knowing our weather probably wouldn’t be as good. I wanted to act now, to keep going, and Marion was okay with my leaving her again as I’d been out all morning in Wonthaggi and then with the lake, and now with the dam; it was all perfect and delightful being hidden in the swamp paperbarks, listening to the little birds as I planted my remaining plants for the frogs to be able to breed on.
So I was able to honour another need in me, realising that I felt constricted, I wasn’t allowed to just do as I pleased to suit myself, they always having a controlling say. So yesterday I did as I pleased, going here and there and it being so nice and feeling so good about each part and not being disturbed by anyone, just me and nature and playing around in the water with the water plants helping to spread their loveliness to different places they can live. And not having to do what Gran wanted: that’s enough of that James, that’s enough for one day, come and sit with me, come and eat something, you can do the rest tomorrow, and besides, you need something to look forward to; so put that aside, stop that now, come and do this... something else that I didn’t want to do. I wanted to keep going doing what I was doing and being able to finish it there and then as the inspiration took me, not always having to put it off for another day. And I felt like a fifty-four year old seven year-old free to do exactly as I pleased, it all my own doing with the plants, no one having a say or telling me what to do - another basic need fulfilled, and with my awareness of what it was I was actually doing and healing.
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Post by James on Aug 25, 2015 11:59:44 GMT 10
My non-connection.
My healing has come down to my understanding my connection, or rather, lack of it, with myself and other people, it all starting with my non-connection with mum and dad.
I still find it staggering to understand, and accept, that I have no connection with them. And what is a ‘connection’ anyway, this too I’m working out. I lived all those years with my parents and yet feel I have more good feelings and are more connected to some of the boys I was at school with who’ve I’ve not seen since leaving it, than I do my own parents.
Lately I’ve been coming to see how I project another me onto the other person, so when I speak to them, it’s really me I’m speaking to. So I live alone in the world (my made up fantasy-distorted version of the world) with my other me-self, just the two of us talking to each other (when I’m talking to another person), and so I thought, until I met Marion, the two of me getting along reasonably well. There were a few minor glitches which happened when other people were involved, in that I couldn’t express myself freely to them nor accept them expressing themselves, because that all got caught up in my projecting myself onto them, scrambling the wires and making things go wonky, so none of my relationships ever went anywhere on the connecting level. I was fine if we didn’t have to truly connect, maintaining superficial relationships, but with Marion who demands full connection and can’t see how you can live without it, things are not fine.
So this really is what my healing is all about, bringing to light the truth of my connection with myself (the truth of my disconnection) - what am I really doing?, and then with other people. And all my anger and misery and other bad feeling expression is just clearing away the repressed pain that’s resulted from my disconnection. I’ve had to express out of me all the pain that’s the puss and putrid festering so I can get at seeing the real problem, seeing it for what it is, seeing what is causing the infection and at the same time getting rid of all my wrong beliefs and behaviour that keep the whole rotten thing in place.
But how can you really see what you are? It’s terribly hard. You are what you are, your forming has been done, and so you just get on being it. To then have to go back meticulously through it all, picking all the interwoven parts of the mess that you are apart, dissecting each bit and examining yourself in the light of the truth that’s coming to you is so hard. How can you be objective about something that is so subjective? How can a tree look at itself understanding the complexities of its connection with itself and everything else in nature about it, when all it wants to do is get on being itself - just being the tree.
So I am an unconnected or disconnected or non-connected, whatever is the right word, person. I am way out of touch with my true self - I don’t have a clue or feeling for it because it has never seen the light of day, it didn’t get a chance to come into being - so how can a tree know itself when it’s such a distortion it can’t even recognise itself as being a tree? It has leaves and branches and is told it’s of a certain species yet what does that mean when it can’t relate to any of it anyway.
I can’t tell you fucked up and maddened about being this way I feel. I’m so twisted up inside with so many cross currents fighting for existence, nothing is straightforward; I’m all over the place unable to stay connected with one feeling for any length of time because I’ve got to get on and can’t be as I am. Whatever being as ‘I am’ is.
I want to be true, so I have to see all within me that is untrue, and as it comes to light I hate what I see. I already feel bad, then hating what I uncover about myself makes me feel worse, endless bad feelings, never anything good because I am not good. And all the way along I am resisting the process, I don’t want to keep feeling bad: I want to do my healing but I don’t want to feel bad, yet how can I do my healing when all it’s about is feeling bad?
Marion said the other day that our relationship is only about our feeling bad together and our trying to express those bad feelings to each other, all so we can help each other to get more in touch with ourselves - with our wrongness. And nothing else. It’s a weird relationship, endlessly feeling bad together, rarely do we feel good anymore. And it’s true, we don’t have anything else in our relationship, we don’t talk about other things, we only now talk about feelings, express them, and discuss the results. Long gone are my delusions about finding the perfect Mrs Right in Marion, and our being madly in love and going off together happily ever after. We are involved in the long hard slog of helping each other become true to ourselves, nothing else, and now with no diversions like enjoying nature going for walks together, just the daily working on ourselves every time we feel bad, and battling it out a lot because we don’t get on, we don’t connect, we are not the loving accepting person for each other that we wish we had.
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Post by James on Sept 12, 2015 11:54:46 GMT 10
Marion’s been confronting beliefs from her Scottish heritage about being able to bear the pain, saying that it’s what God wants, God wants you to feel the pain so you must, not doing anything to interfere with what God wants, so not doing anything to take the pain away. Sort of some deep Calvinistic?, Presbyterian? left over of being incredibly stoic in the face of abject pain and defeat, to never give in and weaken, to be able to bear the pain, bear the burden, take it all, right the way to the end. So if you get cancer you don’t seek help with it, you don’t try and null or reduce the pain, you don’t go to the doctor, you don’t take any medicine, you just grin and bear it putting yourself and everyone with you through agony. And that somehow God will be pleased with you, you will be rewarded, you will have done the ultimate in.... in something?, I don’t know what, but taken on the worst, gone with it, not fought against it, bared it, and conquered it, or something like that. So by going with your feelings you submit to them, allowing them to consume you, not resisting, going all the way until they annihilate you. And what can happen? You die, but that’s only your physical, and you find out you are still alive in spirit, so you don’t actually die; so pain - physical pain, is not real, only something to be transcended, ignored, something to rise above thereby achieving some saintly god-like angelic state of... what? - bliss?
She also expressed her pain down to the bottom line of deciding that she should stop eating, she was just going to stop doing what you do to keep yourself alive. She can’t overtly kill herself, but she can refuse food and water - like as if she is a baby and just says no. And even though it is still killing herself, it’s sort of not like - so her mind rationalised - the same as going for a long swim in the bay never to return or to put a plastic bag over her head or taking copious amounts of sleeping pills.
Then she realised, a point that she comes to many times, that that’s only killing her physical body - her physical pain, and all she’d do would be go into spirit still with all her bad emotional feelings about herself and her life. So nothing would be solved after all.
However something was solved, like with all her and our expressing of our bad feelings, she was able to explore these hidden aspects of herself more, bring them out and into the light, understanding what they were about and how they’ve originated in her from her mother and early religious upbringing.
And then, where she always comes back to: well, now what should I do?, and the answer is always the same: nothing, nothing other than what I feel. So she keeps going speaking about the next feeling, expressing the next pain, always looking for the truth of such feelings.
And she feels better about herself now, she doesn’t want to kill herself, she doesn’t believe she has to ride out and go with the pain when it gets so extreme because her feelings won’t let her do that. When the pain gets too much she feels she wants to do something about it, not just allowing it to dictate how she should be.
So again she can see her mind and its beliefs at work trying to control her. Should she go with the pain until it kills her or should she do something about it trying to lessen or end it? But this is all the mind, and it’s not about shoulds or should nots, it’s only about expressing what she feels in each moment, longing for the truth of those feelings, and then doing what she feels to do. And her feelings do lead her.
She had an earache, she went with it, she didn’t want to go to the doctor, she wanted God to fix it, she wanted the pain to do to her what it would so she could experience more of what it is wanting her to know about herself. She went this way and that. She bought drops trying to unblock her ear, that wasn’t as bad as going to the doctor to get it flushed out. Over the week she spoke about many things to do with it, then suddenly having said all week she wasn’t going to the doctor - we’re off to the doctor! And then surprisingly, have shaken with fear (and expressing it all) all the way to the doctor dreading she will get a horrible doctor, she was with a doctor who was completely on her side, the very opposite of what she was expecting and what doctors have been for her, they all being until this one like her father just telling her what to do and not caring or being sympathetic to her. So suddenly, having a lovely experience with this doctor, she got all new good feelings about herself, which had she not seen him would not have come. Or at least would not have come about that way.
So you do what you feel to do. You don’t want to go to the doctor, you want to ride along with the pain, you do whatever it is whilst speaking about it all as much as you can, every little bit that comes up, all whilst longing for the truth, and then you will just act. You will either do nothing or something. And doing nothing is acting just as actively as doing something. And when it’s time to do something, you do, you just do it; and if you’re still not sure whether you should or shouldn’t do it, that only means there’s still more talking and expressing to do.
We’ve all been parented heavily subjected to: you can to this you can’t do that, this is good for you this isn’t, this is right that is wrong, you know what it’s like, you’re full of it - we all are. So with our feelings we’re simply trying to accept and honour them and see what they are trying to show us about every aspect of ourselves. And through them our soul will guide us along providing us with whatever experiences we need. And that all sounds nice and easy, but when you’re pushing up against your controlling beliefs there is much difficulty, yet still all you can do is keep speaking, expressing and longing for the truth.
And, Marion is now fully accepting of God being her Father and Mother. She has completely embraced Them both, and loves speaking to Them and knowing she has both a Mother and Father. She is amazed at just how right that all now feels for her.
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Post by James on Sept 21, 2015 16:42:36 GMT 10
When you’ve expressed all you feel about it - the bad thing, then you know the truth of how you feel and don’t need to express those feelings anymore as they will not be there to express. We only keep expressing the same bad feelings if there is more buried within us to express, which means, there is still more truth we are to see from them about ourselves - about how we feel and why we are feeling such feelings.
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Post by James on Sept 25, 2015 14:07:11 GMT 10
Getting the stamp of approval
My parents undermined me throughout my early life without approving of me. I never felt they were really on my side even though they gave me compliments and a false sense of being superior when I was older. My healing through my feelings has shown me just how much and how relentlessly they checked, stopped, criticised me, stopping my natural self-expression. All of which undermined my self-confidence, making me into being someone who needs to be told what to do rather than being able to initiate myself. So I am desperately wanting people to approve of me, of everything I do, saying that’s right, that’s the right thing to do, the right thing to say and so on.
In reading accounts of people who have been relatively happy and successful in their lives it’s quite obvious how much they were supported and approved of by their parents. And reading about the Australian aborigines and how they are so unconditional and accepting, of each other, everyone else, and particularly their children, with them being mostly very happy and content in their lives, that being before the Europeans came disapproving of them and ruining their loving way of life, by taking over and controlling.
Parents disapprove constantly of their children, with the less they do the more the children feel better about themselves with greater self-esteem and feeling able to express their rights in the world. I feel like I have few rights, being scared of the world, scared that in every moment I am going to be disapproved of; Marion feels in every moment she is constantly being disapproved of. Mine is always the worry, the threat of the bad thing happening, which is the bad person - mum and dad - coming and telling me off and saying no, you can’t be as you are.
Marion has wanted to die all her life, hating her life as her parents didn’t allow her enjoy any of it. She had a little bit of enjoyment with animals and some people but wasn’t allowed to be with those nicer people.
Then recently with her bad tooth and feeling sick she was taken by her feelings to seriously considering dying, she looked like she was going to at any moment for about a week, and then expressing and speaking about all she felt being at deaths door, now she seems to have turned the corner or is bouncing off the bottom saying that she no longer feels like she wants to die. For the first time in her life she feels like living!
Because of her illness she virtually stopped eating, then felt so weak and fainty and very bad, but now her appetite is coming back and she feels she’s finally healed herself of worrying about being fat, and in particular, being seen to be a fat person. She has always dreaded looking in the mirror and seeing fat - a fat person, so she’s been hard on herself always drinking tea to assuage and deny her hunger. So she got to be so thin, and feeling so low in energy and like she was fading away, and feeling how bad those feelings were, she’s started to eat. For the past ten years we’ve eaten basically the same foods, in the same way and at the same regular meal times. We only changed things when the supermarkets or health food shop stopped selling what we liked. But suddenly since Marion being sick that’s all changed, now we eat whatever we want when we feel like it. Many of the things we did eat we stopped but some we’ve now brought back again but having in a different way. Yet the biggest part is there is no set meal times. The Mother and Father kept telling me big changes were coming to our lives, and so they are!
And today she’s given up tea - taking a liking for rooiboss instead. It’s only the first day, and she might go back to it, but she doesn’t care how she looks now, fat or thin.
And these are huge, enormous changes in her. She has never been able to conceive of herself not having her Earl Grey, but lately she’s started not to like it so much. So her body is changing as she is changing. It is incredible to watch her, seeing such changes all of which are only because of all the work she’s done on herself. It’s all very exciting. She’s feeling happier and so much better about herself. She’s loving how her hair is and how she looks, and if she can even get to loving her body or at least not hating it, I’d have to declare a miracle has happened. And she’s feeling so less scared about what other people will think of her and how they will treat her, so many of her issues having been healed there too.
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Post by James on Sept 30, 2015 17:34:46 GMT 10
Acting on your feelings verses talking about them first
I recently uncovered the truth within myself through my feelings that I want a ‘sex friend’. Over the years as my sexual stuff has surfaced in me I’ve had to admit to, face and accept my sexual fantasies, part of which has involved wanting a friend who just wants to have sex, and sex any time, and sex particularly when I want it - which is, in my fantasy, all the time. However as I’ve got older the reality is even if sex was on tap twenty-four hours a day I wouldn’t be able to indulge that much in it, I’d physically not have the energy, not like when I was younger and believed I would have been able to - ha, ha. And also, really, do I want to be having sex all the time and doing nothing else? And a part of me screams - YES!, because I want all those nice feelings, and only those nice feelings, to be completely immersed in them with never a bad feeling. YES, I want to escape into perpetual orgasmic bliss, to be consumed by the intensity of it, to never have to deal with any of the ordinary daily chores and boring life that isn’t SEX.
Over the past couple of weeks a growing desire within me being focused on a woman I find attractive has made me think I want to be with this woman asking her to be my sex friend, which of course in my fantasy she would eagerly agree to and off we’d go indulging to our hearts content. And as the desire grew it bought up with it a lot of other issues, such as: do I really want to act out this desire, and it would have to be in secret, and what about Marion’s and my relationship, and could it just be sex without becoming more personally involved with this other woman, and what if she rejected me, or what if it started out okay then all went horribly wrong - what if she even got pregnant? And as the days passed the desire to act on the feelings grew more intense, even though the woman it was focused on wasn’t in the state and knows nothing about my desires, they all being only my fantasy.
I doubt I would have ever acted on the feelings, I don’t think I have the courage, nor do I at this point want to compromise if not end my relationship with Marion. So instead of acting on my feelings I talked about them to Marion.
So over a couple of days I talked and expressed all I felt trying to bring up and articulate all my fantasies and all the hidden feelings whilst longing all the time for the truth to be shown to me about why I was feeling such an intense desire. And as with all such feeling expression the truth came, and one part of it was when the words came into my mind that I wanted a ‘sex friend’, and all that meant. The words defined all I’d spoken to Marion about and all she’d help me to see about my feelings. The words ‘sex friend’ sort of summed it all up - it was the truth of what I wanted, and I could see how it related back to a girl neighbour who was a couple of years younger than me when I was about nine or ten years old. And her liking me and pulling her undies down and showing me herself secretly along the outside of her house, just her and me and our special moment together. It’s only a vague memory now and I can’t remember anything more than feeling good about seeing her and being with her and her doing it with me. I can’t remember if I suggested it to her or how it came about, and I don’t think I showed myself to her. And I might have been even younger than I think I was - everything from my past being so vague.
However from speaking about my sex desire feelings I can see how her openness to me is what I really want - what I’ve always wanted, it turning more into sex as I got older, because sex was mostly something secretive and forbidden, that being what I wanted the most. So I want my sex friend back, and to be able to keep going with her, for all I can remember there was only that one moment with her and no other girl when I was young.
And it’s her unconditional acceptance of me, her not smirking at or rejecting or humiliating or making me feel bad in anyway that I appreciate and want more of, all of course focused through sex. But then having spoken about it all, incredibly all the desire evaporated and I no longer felt I wanted a sex friend, yet I do want the openness and acceptance, which Marion offers to me. So I feel even better about being with Marion, especially with the sex stuff easing off again and for the moment not being part of what I want.
I feel so relieved at no longer feeling those intense feelings, I felt almost driven to act on the sexual desire the next time I met the woman, just to see what happened, sort of, nothing ventured nothing gained, as she could have only said no. But what if she said yes... I felt plagued by the exciting possibilities of being do daring and just doing it, as if I was just starting out on my sexual adventures in life rather than moving toward ending them.
And so what I realised was, as I looked back over my life and saw, just how many times I did feel such an overwhelmingly strong desire to do something, to act, and often I did, and not just sexually. And mostly the things that resulted I was happy about, some also not so happy, and at other times I was quickly refused and rejected. But I can now also see that each time I allowed myself to be led by those intense feelings, believing they were the way to go, the right way to live life - and how could I have not acted on them being so sure they were what I wanted anyway, I actually moved further away from my true self, deeper into my wrongness; I became progressively more bad - more evil.
And so this time around feeling again such intense feelings urging me to act, yet not doing so and instead talking and expressing all I felt whilst longing for the truth such feelings were there to help me see about myself, I could see that I took steps back to myself, lessening my wrongness, not being as bad and so not being as evil. And of course I feel very good about this, this being what my healing is.
So I can see how all the way along my soul has brought up in me such intense feelings from time to time, and really it’s been asking me: Are you going to act on them and not speak about them, not wanting to uncover the truth of them, taking yourself further into your wrongness; or, are you going to embrace them and act on them by speaking about them, expressing them, as you long for their truth? So simply: do you want to see the truth about yourself or not?
So as we know, our Feeling Healing is wanting to see the truth of ourselves through our feelings. And our soul brings about the experiences and all the necessary feelings upwelling within us at those times when we are asked that question, and I think we all have very specific and definite times in our lives when we’re sort of at the crossroads of truth or no truth. But until we understand about wanting the truth and how to get it using our feelings, we blunder unconsciously along taking ourselves further into our wrongness and so making life invariably harder for ourselves.
So it was all a good experience. The intensity of the feelings almost driving me mad with desire at times to act on them, to just say stuff it, I can only give it a go and ask the woman, tell her what I’m feeling, tell her my fantasy and ask her does she want to participate in it with me. And yet I also could feel whilst consumed by the feelings that it wasn’t really me, that I’m not really wanting that life, to be running off with the next woman I’m attracted to, and the next, just wanting them to be sex friends. And it showed me again just how deeply embedded these needs, perversions and desires are within me, and all how they come from how I was treated by mum and dad. The young girl from next door was only the result of deeper psychological influences from mum and dad, all of which I could also see as Marion and I talked about it all and all how we felt about each part of it; however such things are too complicated to write about, so I’m not even going to try, only to say that I could see once again how EVERYTHING within me comes from my early, and right into my earliest, involvement with mum and dad.
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Post by James on Oct 3, 2015 16:31:31 GMT 10
Mum is a capricorn and this morning as I was describing and expressing how bad I felt to Marion I said I feel like I’m recovering from being in a perpetual car crash, I feel so pummelled, as if I should be black and blue all over, as if I’ve been rammed... Rammed, rammed by the capricorn all my early life. And that is how I feel, mum rammed me emotionally, spiritually, psychically and mentally. I wasn’t hit so my body wasn’t hurt too much, but in all the rest me I feel exhausted as if I’ve been in the ring with a prize-fighter slogging it out all my life. And it was relentless with her, all of which has deranged my mind to the extent of my not being able to communicate and connect with Marion or anyone else, feeling my head is glazed over half the time, that I don’t have my wits about me, that I can hardly function. Every part of me aches including my brain. For almost twenty years I’ve felt so sore and being hardly able to bend and function.
Marion was saying again that she didn’t think it was really the Mother and Father and Mary and Jesus that I spoke with, it all being my mind playing games. And as she’s not read any of my writing for years, I said she can’t judge it now because I’ve changed in how I write so much. So then I thought I’d speak to the Mother and Father and Mary and Jesus and ask them if they wanted to say anything to her, which the Mother and Mary did. So I wrote it and printed it out and waited with a little trepidation to see her reaction. And she cried! What more confirmation and approval could one want. We both had tears in our eyes, Marion saying the truth touched her - the truth of what they said to her. So now she feels my writing is okay, and that it’s even good to have errors in it as that keeps me more humble; and she even thinks I am speaking with the Mother and Father, Mary and Jesus and everyone else I say I do. So we both feel pretty good about my writing and speaking with the unseen.
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Post by James on Oct 6, 2015 12:07:56 GMT 10
Gorbing it out
Marion’s still working her way through all her repressed physical snot and slime from her early life. The feelings of misery and self-hated have all but gone but the legacy on the physical is still working through. So every few days the slime builds up in her chest, throat and nose and pushes for her to gorb it out. So she makes horrendous noises sometimes for hours as it comes up and she blows and snots it out. She was never allowed to make such noise when she was young with all her brachial problems, only when she went into hospital. And this morning it was her right nostril, and as she blew into the tissue she showed it to me, and it was the first time she felt free to show it, no longer feeling that because it’s all yellow slime and revolting, she is revolting. Now finally she doesn’t feel she is bad or revolting and everyone will hate her for being the snot that she is, now it’s just her body rejecting the stuff - good clean snot. And this is something good about the healing, it sure takes you right back into the bodily stuff, as there is no avoiding it, so having to work through all the yuk stuff so much of society and ourselves wish not to look at or have anything to do with.
She looks at her hands bear of her lovely labradorite silver rings and feels something is missing. She puts her rings on and feels better. She realised this morning that she’s now needing to only put the beauty on herself to make herself feel better, no longer needing to do it to make other people think she is better and more attractive and acceptable than she is. So increasingly she’s finding she no longer needs other peoples approval just as she is beginning to let go of her own extra self-approval needs.
Marion was also saying, which presents a good picture to understand why we are fucked, that as children we naturally look to our parents to define ourselves and the world, so in a sense we see the world through their eyes. And as our parents see us through their wrongness and false image, they therefore present to us that wrong image which we believe is how we are in the world. So we’ve been made to look at ourselves how our parents see us, and as our parents don’t see us for being the true selves that we are, seeing their own made up and distorted picture of us, so we take that screwy picture making it be how we see ourselves. So no wonder we’ve got so many self-image problems, as we had no one reflecting back to us through our forming years the true picture of ourselves. So we look in the mirror and see the ugly or even beautiful false picture our parents are looking at, but it’s not the true picture of ourselves. Our healing slowly helps us discard such erroneous pictures as we shed light on them by understanding the truth of why we have them - that being how our parents saw us, and understand why they saw us that way, that being how fucked they were because of their parenting. And gradually the world, through our friend or even ourselves, helps us to see the true and real picture of ourselves, which we naturally feel very good about, it being right and without any pretence, distortion or falseness. This making us feel so much more accepting of ourselves - more self-loving.
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Post by James on Oct 13, 2015 17:07:49 GMT 10
It’s slowly, ever so slowly, coming to me about how my illnesses when I was six that nearly killed me, scared the bejesus out of me so much, and with Gran telling me each day as she bathed my feverish forehead she was taking the bad bugs away from me making me better, that I decided Gran, mum and dad’s way was actually the best way for me. So I sealed my fate by denying my true self to the extent that if I wanted to live - and I did, I was too scared of dying as dying was something one was made to feel was a terrible thing to do, then I needed to be the perfect child they wanted me be. So no more resisting and trying to assert and express my own true self, turn against myself once and for all, and get on with it, thereby assuring that I would never again be so scared and so alone at the point of extinction. (Marion’s been saying lately that she reckons a lot of us feel that if we die we’ll be punished, so we do all we can to stay alive. Parents do all they can to keep their children alive afraid that if their child dies they will be punished by their parents, or God, or whoever the authority is they are afraid of. And so the child then feels very scared about dying, that something very bad, something worse than death, will happen to it; fears we unconsciously grow up with that then cause us more problems when it is time to die.)
And I’m gradually being able to sense the deepest of my repressed anger, that it’s there right in my bones, in the core of my being, angry at them for not treating me well, for not loving me, and how hard I worked at having to not express it, how they stopped me and how I stopped myself, sealing myself in my box through my fevers at six.
My strange head-pain that comes and goes feeling like certain parts of my brain are exploding, makes me feel scared and woozy and cloudy in my mind. I feel like I’m in a perpetual fog of sorts, vague, wafting along, can’t remember much, all how I felt when I was sick with the chickenpox, mumps and measles, which I had one after the other over a period of months, which they said I nearly died from. I don’t how much truth there was in the nearly dying part, I didn’t go to hospital, but I can now sense the diseases took me to the edge of oblivion and scared me so badly I never wanted to do anything bad - against them - again, because as Marion said, I probably felt it was my fault getting sick, a punishment or something like that, so as I never wanted to feel that bad again, I decided to stop resisting them and closed down completely to my true feelings.
So I’m starting to feel like in many ways I’ve never actually left my fevered state, and that even prior to it, right through my forming years, how they treated and related to me was as if I was only just here, just existing, and existing in a partial fog of unreality, which became thoroughly manifest when I was ill. And that as I matured I learnt to cover all that over with their telling me that I was okay, all to where I am now undoing all that rubbish and seeing I’m not actually okay, and that in fact I’m very badly damaged.
It’s caused me such difficulties wrongly believing I’m alright, which I’ve used to further block out my not being alright. And now having to accept that I am not alright, having to admit that I’m not good and right and how you’re meant to be in life, is very humiliating - I don’t want to admit that I am weak, powerless, can’t do anything - that there is something wrong with me, that I’m not normal and like everyone else.
And as I focus on my deep repressed anger I can now see easily how I am very fucking angry about not being loved, and because of their not allowing me to express that anger I’ve turned it all against myself reflected in my biting my fingernails trying to make the bad me go away, to eat myself away into nothingness leaving only the ‘good’ me, all of which has resulted in my feeling so miserable, which I also couldn’t express; and so depressed and pissed off generally with life feeling so uninspired and not wanting to have anything to do with anyone, not finding anything I like or want to do.
So just leave me with my dick and I’ll wank away all day long immersing myself in those good feelings and pretending that I don’t actually exist because I don’t want to be here; there is nothing here for me, no one wants me, no one makes me feel wanted, I hate everything, I hate everyone, I hate myself. Just leave me alone so I can go to my lakes and be with the fish and turtles and birds and plants, I’ll gaze into their watery world, losing myself and my pain in the beauty of the natural world, until... until what? Until all my pain somehow goes away and I suddenly find I love myself and my life and all other people?
Increasingly I’m realising how much I am still in mum and dad’s world and how much I hate it. They made me focus on everything else but their world; everyone else, the whole world was wrong and bad, they were the only good, nice, caring and loving place for me to be. But now as I’m letting go of their world and coming back to where the truth really is, where my feelings are really aim at, who is really making me feel bad is them and only them.
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Post by James on Oct 18, 2015 10:47:40 GMT 10
My trying to stop Marion express her bad feelings - again.
Marion was feeling miserable, so much so that she’d stopped talking - which is very unusual for her, and it means she’s in a very bad state. I too was feeling miserable but not as bad as she, and then I thought if I talk about my misery that might take her mind off hers, give her something to think about other than her yuk, which might them make her start talking, bring her out of herself a bit, then she might be able to go back and keep talking about her misery. The feeling (thought) being that I was helping her.
However, as she said, that’s not right, that’s what they did to us, trying to take our mind off our bad feelings by distracting us with something else. “You want to distract me from my misery by talking about yours, but that’s not what I need, it’s not helping me to further bring our my misery feelings and emotions and connect with why I’m feeling so miserable.” She said she needed me instead to ask her if she could talk more about how bad he felt, to try and think of something that would get her talking about how bad she was feeling, or simply to ask her if she can say more about her feeling bad. Anything to get her expressing more of her bad feelings. And if I had to speak about mine, to ask her is she wouldn’t mind if I spoke about my miserable feeling for a while before getting back to focusing on her. All to show her that I was still aware of her needing to talk, and so not just blocking her out and pretending she doesn’t exist because she’s the miserable one - the bad one, the one no one wants to talk to and be with.
When you’ve not grown up in a sympathetic environment to bad feelings, it’s so hard to allow them to be, to welcome them. All you want to do is get rid of them, and if you can’t, then just pretend they don’t exist - so effectively pretend the person who’s feeling bad doesn’t exist, just block them out.
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Post by James on Oct 24, 2015 18:19:40 GMT 10
Coming back into the world...
I went to the Wonthaggi wetlands lake yesterday. As soon as I drove off the main road and into more of the natural world the wonders showed themselves. A grunt alerted me a blue heron landing nearby and within seconds he’d picked up a fat frog he was struggling to swallow. Then I saw a Redfin perch hunting over the weed in the lake, with its striking black stripes and rich red fins, something I’d always wanted to see. Then the top lake was filled with native lily and its long flower spikes and yellow star shaped flowers coming out, the ‘perfect pond’ of my dreams, I wish it were in my garden. I felt so exhilarated with the beauty of it all, the peace, the pleasure and privilege in seeing those things I felt were just for me. Then as I left driving back onto the main road and coming back into the world I saw the council had mowed the small dry pond, mowing down the lovely new bullrush growth. I felt like a stake had been driven into me, so hurt, they’d ruined something that was so pretty, in their stupid ignorance just because it was dry and they wouldn’t get bogged the person couldn’t tell the difference between grass and the two foot high bullrushes.
You’ve ruined it, you’ve ruined it, you’ve ruined it, you’ve ruined it, the anguish, they’ve ruined it, the hurt, the deep pain, you’ve ruined it, ruined it, ruined it, you’ve ruined what I like, ruined it, destroyed it, I can’t have it anymore, I can’t get it back, it’s gone, it’s been ruined, the thing I loved has been ruined, ruined, gone, they’ve taken it away - you’ve taken it away, you’re horrible, I hate you, you ruined my plants, you ruined my enjoyment, you cut them down, ruined them, you don’t care about me, you hate me, you don’t think about me, you don’t consider me, you ruined my pleasure, you took it from me, you hurt me, you hurt me to my core, you don’t care about me, you ruined my thing, and I hate you, I do, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you more than anyone and more than anything - I hate you. I hate you more than I hate anyone, you, it’s you I hate because you ruined my thing, you took it away, you didn’t ask me, you just took it, and now it’s gone, ruined, I can’t have it again, I will never have it again, why did you do it, how could you do it, you don’t think about me and what I might feel, surely you knew I loved it, and you’ve ruined it, I hate you, I hate you, I don’t want to be with you, I don’t want to ever have to see you, I don’t want to speak to you, I don’t want to have anything to do with you, I hate you, you ruined my thing, you ruined it, you ruined it, you ruined it, you ruined it... now I’m moaning all the way home... ruined... ruined... ruined... ruined... you ruined it, mum and dad, you ruined it.
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Post by James on Oct 31, 2015 21:19:34 GMT 10
Looking back
Lying on the bed feeling like shit, feeling all the deep misery, anger, fear and yuk down in my left leg and longing for it to rise up and come out; and feeling it move up a little causing pain in my ankle, knee and hip, then looking back over the twenty years or so of my healing, how many bad feelings, so much misery, so much pain, and then thinking, shit if I’d had children before I started my healing they would have got from me all that anger, misery, fear and pain. So much of my yuk and all I’m still to see would have gone into them. And then together with all from my partner, all her masses of yuk, fear, misery, anger and whatever else was within her, all going into this little person who would have grown up being completely fucked and having no idea why. And how many years of healing would my child have to do with so much within it that was wrong, so filled up with all its parents horror, hatred and no love. It’s too unbearable to think about, too much, the deep pain and wrongness we’ve all got locked away inside ourselves. Just so much and we’ve no idea how much, let alone how long it’s going to take to bring it all up and out. And I think of all the people who like my parents didn’t show any real spiritual inkling, and all those people so heavily locked into religions of fear and hated and all their false love trying to believe they are doing what their god wants and believing their life is right and good and making them feel happy. How long will it take such people to heal themselves of those heavily ingrained negative influences, along with all that comes from their parents, and especially when their religious stuff is part of their parental package.
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Post by James on Nov 2, 2015 21:32:56 GMT 10
I want someone to give me $5000 and say here you are James, this is for you to do with whatever you like. I want to know that I can buy all the turtles and fish and shrimp to put in the lakes that I want. And that I will never regret spending that money on such things because nothing will ever happen in my life making me think I should have kept that money and not been so frivolous with it. And so to never say to myself: It was dumb of me to spend it on fish and turtles when now I need it. I want to know that I am fully secure and the money is mine to freely spend on top of all the other money I need, it’s extra, not needed for anything else other than my pure pleasure.
Then I think: I wish God gave it to me, and I know that it is extra and that I shouldn’t just save it or at least not spend all of it, keeping most of it for a ‘rainy day’ as Gran would say was the prudent thing to do. But God is not going to do that, so then I want to go back and be the child, with my parents saying you can have whatever you want James, this is for you, you are free to do with it as you please and we will support you in it and we want you to know that you can spend the money and it is extra, that we have more than enough, we will never need it, it’s all for you - no strings attached.
And that feeling and experience I never had when I was growing up. Marion and I have read of people from very poor families who feel like they had all they needed, that they didn’t want anything else, that it was all there for them and they were completely happy, with their parents obviously making them feel secure and happy with the little they had. My parents had money to spare but I never felt happy and secure, they never said, James we want you to buy yourself a fishing rod, so let’s go to the shop and you can pick your own special rod and reel, the very one you want. It always my grandfather’s ‘other’ rods that I used. Nothing was ever just for me and I didn’t like asking for anything. So I live with hardly any money preferring to put off spending and buying only the bear essentials, never with the luxury of nothing to worry about we’ve got plenty of money. That wasn’t my early life, so it’s never been my adult life, so I don’t know about it - never even wished for it until today. I never even knew I felt so insecure and unhappy about that.
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Post by James on Nov 4, 2015 16:38:20 GMT 10
GOOD NEWS!
Good news! Finally some good feelings - yeah! Marion says she feels happy. HAPPY! For the first time in her life she feels really happy. We can’t believe it. Since her illness a few months ago she’s been feeling better and better, happier within herself, liking and loving herself, all the positive feelings. And they are coming up and staying with her. She still has little bad feeling-times but they quickly pass and nothing like how she has been in them. It’s almost too good to be true, we’re almost holding our breath waiting for the good to go and the bad to return. Her body still has aches and pains and she’s no spring chicken but her spirit is feeling better each day, with her still looking forward to getting up each day, rather than how it’s been her whole life not wanting to get up and drag herself through another yuk day.
So am I witnessing all her hard years of expressing her yuk paying off, that there is light and good feelings are the end of the bad feelings? And is there really an end to the bad feelings? So many things that used to make her feel bad don’t anymore. She still hates that they baby plover was run over by uncaring holiday people, but it’s not making her feel miserable and really bad like it used to, like the baby plover is herself with no one caring about her, projecting onto the plover all how her parents made her feel as they continuously ran her over squashing her flat in the middle of the road.
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Post by James on Nov 8, 2015 22:03:14 GMT 10
Last night Marion felt very tired before she was going to bed, more tired than she has been lately. Then suddenly she felt miserable, it was like the feelings just turned on inside her - her ear was also hurting a little. Then all the fear came up, she didn’t want her ear to get as bad as it was when she was sick; and then more intense misery as she went to bed; then bad dreams; then she was cold and couldn’t get warm through the night. Then once she woke up the dreams all vanished, she couldn’t remember a thing only that they were bad. And then all her misery and fear stopped and she felt even better than she has been feeling - feeling really, really good.
She was saying that she was saying to herself through her pain and misery: Come my pain, come up and out of me, you are my little person hiding away trying not to be there, pretending to be good by not showing how you are feeling, by being how they said you must be. Come out my pain, I love you and want you - I want you who is me - I want myself with all my pain, the person who is hiding away scared to say how it feels.
She said that she was also asking the Mother and Father to help her do whatever she needed to do to see the truth of the causes of her pain and misery. Please fix all my pain; please stop all my pain; please stop everything that’s untrue; please fix all my causes; please show me the truth of them; please help me to be true to my soul; please help me to be true and perfect; please help me unblock myself and unblock what is stopping myself from being free to express all I feel; please help me be my true self - my soul.
We have to feel it fully and not stop it. Our physical pain is the last manifestation/expression as it’s coming out from the deepest part of ourself, our soul. Our pain and bad feelings, which our parents were causing, they didn’t want to know about, so made us stop expressing it; and we weren’t strong enough to stand up to them, so we had to turn against ourselves by forcing ourselves to please them - we had enough power to stop ourselves living true to our bad feelings and pain. So as we know, we have to allow it to be, to express it, right down to feeling and saying and seeing how they are causing it and what they did to you to stop you feeling and expressing it.
Marion was saying she feels like she’s now the loving parent to herself, the opposite to her unloving parents. She is coming and being with her scared and in-pain self, saying to her, it’s all right now, you can come to me and bring it all out and be and tell me all the pain and bad feelings you are; I want to know how bad you are feeling, it’s okay, nothing bad is going to happen to you, I’m not going to punish you for feeling and telling me how bad you feel. So it’s okay to be scared, I want you to express all your pain. And I will hold you and carry you and comfort you while you cry and scream - I won’t stop you.
Also - she was the font of truth this morning, it just kept coming out of her - she was saying that regarding dreams, when you’re wanting to live true and working on your feeling expression, then the dreams or parts of them you remember stay with you so you can work with the feelings you feel in them and feelings that come up about having the dream - any feelings to do with it and dreaming it. And if you don’t remember any dreams, then there are no feelings for you to get more in touch with and express, it’s all just inner unconscious workings going on. And the business of making yourself remember them, having to write them all down in the middle of the night, forcing yourself to do something that you don’t really feel to do, is not right, for we are to be as we are, not using our mind to make up our existence. However having said that, of course if you feel you want to write down your dreams and all the important feelings you feel as soon as you wake up so you won’t forget them, then that’s what you do. But it’s the feelings that are the most important part, not the symbology or what your mind might try and make of the dream. And as you express your feelings about your dream, more often than not, they will lead you off on a completely different tangent into some other aspect of yourself that you can’t relate to in your dream... but in time you will.
I’m realising more how I have to be like them (my parents), so feel what they feel, or at least pretend I do, but deny my feelings so I can shadow them, and all so they will like and accept me and not be mean to me, not make me feel scared.
As Marion said: You have to be the same as them no matter what just so you feel loved, but that’s not true love, that’s false love. She was supposed to be as nice as her parents in their falseness, even nicer than they were so no one could ever criticise her, so everyone will love her. So many people are making such an effort to be nice, whether it’s obvious or not. And yet it’s all at the expense of our feelings. So through our healing we are to be as not nice as we are, to allow ourselves to feel all our hatred and nastiness - we don’t necessarily have to express and be that way out there in life where we can keep up the falseness, all so long as we know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it, which is what we find out as express our unlovingness in our private lives.
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Post by James on Dec 6, 2015 21:17:14 GMT 10
It’s the speaking, stupid!
Speaking is the most important way we express ourselves, we want the other person to understand what we’re saying and to react lovingly to it, that being in an ideal loving world and life.
Increasingly I’m seeing how afraid I am of speaking, I said words and bad things happened to me - I felt bad feelings, I didn’t speak and feel good feelings, and I certainly didn’t feel loved having opened my mouth. And most of the time it’s even doubtful that I was listened to, I might have been paid lip-service, but actually listened to because the other person - mum and dad - wanted nothing more in their lives other than to pay attention to me and hear what I said, didn’t happen.
It’s incredible, like everything is, that I can grow up surrounded by people and a family that believed it loved one another, and yet I feel totally unloved. With the evidence for this being contained in my feelings; and currently, feeling so scared, anxious, nervous when I speak, being so fearful that I’m going to be growled at, yelled at, criticised, punished, made to feel rejected, this being what happened to me far more than the opposite - this being the reaction I expect.
So I’ve grown up in life fearing expressing myself, dreading feeling bad, pretending I am alright and can do it, that I am okay at speaking, I can get my message across even if the interaction is a bit strange, yet I never feel really connected or good in my communication. I am not the master of my self-expression, I am at the mercy of other people hoping they will be nice to me, will accept me, will favourably accept that which I utter, mumble or grunt, will excuse any oddness, will work out what I need more than I can myself, and will help and look after me, all as if I am still a little baby, helpless and unable to look after myself.
A three-year-old boy was at the Bush Bank for the end-of-year barbecue. We had a good introductory interaction over a plate of potato chips, and then he came up to me throwing himself at me with open arms wrapping them around my legs as I bent over hugging him. He wanted to look in the greenhouses for any butterflies that might have got into them and couldn’t get out. And sure enough there was a nice big red-brown one in the first plastic igloo. I caught it in my hand and as I opened my hand to him (he was holding his hands out for it) it walked across his hand and up his wrist before flying off. We both had a look of wonder in our eyes. There were no butterflies in the next igloo, we could look through the mesh of the door to see whilst keeping the door closed so no other ones flew in, this being what the boy insisted, he didn’t like them being caught inside. Then in the next igloo as we peered through the mesh, no butterflies, but did I get a big surprise, there was a full-sized copperhead snake quickly moving up the centre of the isle. I picked the boy up as we opened the door so we could see where the snake was going, it got up the back and couldn’t get out and so turned to face us. I wasn’t going to confront it, not with the boy and not in such a confined space with its back against the wall, so I put the boy down and told him to go back to his mummy, and then I walked around to the back of the igloo having left the door wide open, tapped on it with a stick and the snake had gone when I came back.
Nature continues to give me such wonderful experiences - and surprises!, a snake was the last thing I expected to see slithering up inside the greenhouse. But it make me once again realise that I can’t take anything for granted, and that change is always occurring, and that there was nothing to be scared of with the snake, it sorted itself out, copperheads although poisonous are not usually openly aggressive. And I was so pleased no one even suggested having to find it to kill it so it won’t bite anyone. And to enjoy and feel the closeness with the boy, his unabashed affection, he putting out his little warm hand for me to hold, he way down there and me way up here, my height being no difficulty for him. His open acceptance of me, his trust in me, his warmth, all that love openly given and asking nothing in return, just not to be taken for granted, abused in some way, or rejected. All of which I crave and wish I’d got from my parents when I was three.
Marion is again demonstrating it’s about accepting oneself, so ones bad state - all ones bad feelings. Without going into details, over and over she expresses her bad feelings and all the pain, and then when it’s all come out, she reaches a point of self-acceptance about it. She no longer feels angry or bad about feeling bad, she just accepts she feels bad knowing why. And she understands also that there is nothing she can do about it, she is still the child, and a child can’t make the world be how it wants it to be, a child can only stray true to its feelings, if it’s allowed to. So although she still feels very bad about herself and her life, increasingly she feels better and better within herself as she accepts herself being as she is. But NEVER does she make or force or use her mind to accept herself, which if she did wouldn’t be true acceptance, she just allows her feelings to take her there, which happens once all the truth has come to light. As I’ve said, we are to allow ourselves to be the bad, yuk person we are, to be in our bad and painful state, to not fight it, to just keep expressing all it makes us feel and all we feel about it. And when we’ve managed to accept totally our unloved state, when we will no longer need to be in it.
I don’t want to hate my mother, I want to love her. But all she does makes me feel bad - what can I do? Gran and dad and even mum herself tell me she loves me, yet I don’t feel loved. I feel hated. I can’t love when I don’t feel any love. I can’t love her when I don’t know if I even like her. Do I like her? I don’t know, all my feelings are so mixed up. Do I hate her? The evidence certainly points that way.
I have felt so scared all my life, far more scared that what I’ve come to understand other people feel. I’ve felt so scared I’ve hardly done anything in life; I didn’t want to leave home, mum was hardly there and that suited me fine, she could provide me with the house to hide from the world in all so long as she didn’t come to it too often.
I am so scared of her, that’s the truth my healing is leading me to; and just how scared I’m still revealing to myself - coming to terms with. I feel so scared of her and I hate her for treating me so badly and for making me so afraid of the world and everyone else. And for making me feel so afraid of her.
And being so scared and hating her so much, really I should be around at her place clubbing the shit out of her, screaming at her, taking out all my anger, venting all my hate, telling her how much I hate her, how much she didn’t love me, how full of shit she is, how much I want to kill her, how much I want to do back to her all that she did to me that wasn’t loving.
It’s all so mad, I sit day after day in my house trying to express all the fear and hatred and bad feelings she has made me feel - it’s all about her. Yet then I excuse her, I don’t go rushing over to her house to beat the shit out of her with every new insight into how badly she treated me I see, instead I say that she couldn’t help it, she was abused and treated unlovingly, and she will have to deal with her own pain and fear of all of that to do with her own parents when she comes to do her healing. So I rage around my house telling her in my mind how much I hate her, but I don’t go and say it to her face. And partly I know it wouldn’t achieve anything anyway, it’s not as if she could suddenly change and be the loving mother I never had. Even if she said sorry, yes, you’re right, I didn’t love you, and I do hate you, that’s not enough, that won’t do anything for me, it won’t heal me of all my repressed shit.
And the worst part is that I am constantly projecting mum onto Marion. It’s so strong it’s as if I’m living with mum not Marion, that I’m still stuck in my dysfunctional relationship with mum. So I don’t want to say sorry to Marion because really it’s mum, and I don’t want to say sorry to her, I want to tell her to fuck off and leave me alone, and if I didn’t feel the towels to see if they’d dried properly when they were still a little damp, I want to say, too fucking bad, I don’t care, go fucking deal with the towels yourself, I don’t want to know about them - I don’t want to know about how you feel because you didn’t want to know how I felt. So fuck off and die and leave me alone. Yet I can’t leave her, she made me dependent on her so much, so she is still with me, I am still with her, and I am waiting until she finally dies so possibly then I will be free; but that’s no good either because it’s not mum the person in the physical body who’s now old and wrinkly, it’s mum that young and aggressive neurotic who gave birth to me and ‘looked after’ me. It’s that mum, that mum back then that I hate and have feared so much.
So I feel so mixed up, what is love? Why do you love? What makes you love? Why do you have loving feelings when you feel them? And is it just because the other person makes you feel good - loving in some way; is it all dependent on them - how they are? Or should we feel loving by ourselves and it doesn’t matter who is around is, even if everyone were unloving, we’d still not feel affected by them because we love ourselves and that’s all that matters.
And so did I love mum, in any small way, was there a little bit of love? We seemed to get on alright as I got older, even seemed to enjoy doing the things we did together, but what about love? And if I met her say at the Bush Bank and as a stranger, would I like her as a person, would I be drawn to her, or would she be too bossy and repulse me?
There’s just so much inner conflict going on all the time. Now that I’m not blocking it out so much, it’s rampaging around inside me. I can sit for hours musing over all the masses of feelings swirling around inside me, so many of which contradict each other, so many making me feel mad, so many making me what want to scream, cry, rage, and just too many to do anything. I can hardly open my mouth to start letting a few of them out to Marion as I feel too overwhelmed and traumatised by them.
But at least my inner world of feelings is coming more alive. It even hurts my head now for me to stray off in my mind into one of my old mental fantasies. I can’t do them anymore, and when I look back at how much time I spent in them, they being like waking dreams, I marvel at how much work and energy I put into them. And all for nothing as they’ve all evaporated into meaninglessness.
I was talking to my dead grandfather today as I was driving to Cowes. I’ve not spoken with him for years. Suddenly I thought of him and directed a question to him and next thing he was answering it in my mind. Then I asked him another question and my mind started to panic, to ask him all sorts of questions jumping all over the place from one topic to another and without giving him the chance to answer. And I asked him what was going on, why my mind did that so often when speaking with the spirits or the Mother and Father, and he said it’s because you fear the response, you fear the answer because more often than not it didn’t make you feel good. And then I realised that it was the response that was the key to it all, not so much the actual answer - words - itself, it was how they responded to and treated me, you can say no with love or with hate, and I could see how they kept severing up fear to me, even if they said yes. They would say yes I could do or have that, but I’d still feel scared, so where was the love, where was the truth - the comfort, the support and care, the concern; where were all those sorrys when I needed them.
But they were never going to say sorry because they are still the child not wanting to say sorry to their parents. I probably come from a long family line of sorry-resentment. No way am I going to say sorry because if I do then they win, I have to put myself aside and admit I am bad, and I don’t want to be the bad one. SO I AM NOT SORRY - EVER, GET IT! You have never said you were sorry to me so I am never going to say sorry to you. No, I am not sorry, and I might have even done the bad thing on purpose... have you ever considered that? Have I?
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Post by James on Dec 17, 2015 22:17:36 GMT 10
I hate taking my shit out on Marion. Yet I have to do it, I have no one else and I can’t speak to those people who I’m really angry with - the various members of my family, because until I dump my yuk on her, speaking about all I feel, I don’t know it’s about my family. But when the truth comes and I see, then I can be angry with the relevant person.
She was behaving like a stupid child, she was being selfish; she said I was being controlling; she wouldn’t listen to me - I knowing what’s best about the bed; she wanted it to be her way, but that wasn’t going to be any good, it was too impulsive, too irrational, it was going to make things more difficult for me; but it was what she felt - she was only being true to her feelings.
I felt so angry with her and told her so, telling her why I was angry and how feeling angry made me feel. And we talked more about it, and then I realised it wasn’t actually her that I was angry with but my brother and sister, and I realised I hated them. I didn’t love them, they gave me the shits, I only was with them for company because I had no one else. All repressed feelings from around four to six years old. Up until now I’ve mostly seen them as allies against the tyranny of mum and dad. I’d seen things through my healing that I’ve hated to do with them, but not realising until now how much I actually loathed being with them altogether. And all the rubbish about how much we loved one another, and how fortunate we were to have each other, and how no one else would replace that brother/sister closeness.
And how I’ve projected all that onto everyone I’ve met in life, believing everyone should me my ‘brother’ and ‘sister’. And yet waking up to realise how few people I’ve actually really liked, having only believed I’ve liked them, and how most people I can’t bear. Marion can’t understand how I didn’t know that I didn’t like them, how I could delude myself into believing I did like them. Marion didn’t grow up in my family subjected to what I was. She wasn’t made to live one fantasy after another, she wasn’t made to live a bunch of bullshit beliefs about being loved and liked.
The Mother was saying it’s all rectifying the personality, working systematically through the personality circuits, all which are governed by our soul. And that every part is represented on all levels, so seeks expression physically, mentally, emotionally, psychically, spiritually and on the will level. My body is continually wracked with little pains, knots and pains in my joints, some more some less. No sooner has one lot gone and another lot comes - I feel old and decrepit. (The definition of decrepit: worn out or ruined because of age or neglect. Exactly - worn out because of feeling so neglected when I was young, and feeling so neglected for so many years, and feeling so tired of feeling so bad and so unloved.)
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Post by James on Dec 25, 2015 14:42:54 GMT 10
What Marion needs to do for her healing.
She was saying that she wants someone to be with her all the time whilst she’s doing all she wants to do. So for example, when she’s in the shop she wants the sympathetic, loving person to be there with her, and asking her if she’s feeling all right, and if she’s not, then allowing her to speak, encouraging her if need be to keep going saying all how bad she feels. Someone who never pushes her; when she says, I feel too scared of going in the water the shark is going to eat me, then for the person to say, don’t go in the water, you’re right, the shark is going to eat you, instead of ‘go on, nothing bad is going to happen to you, there is no shark.’ So someone who is always on her side, asking her why she feels so scared about the shark - which is the shopkeeper; which is her parents - and asking her what are all the bad things she feels might happen to her; and always allowing her to say all she wants to say. To never put words in her mouth, and if she can’t go on and gets stuck, to suggest things, to suggest feelings, all so she can see if they apply to her. And it’s all about helping her be the scared little person she was - and still is - going back so she can go back through each step that she wasn’t allowed to take when growing up. And when she feels ready, when she’s expressed every last fear and then feels she wants to go in the water, shark or no shark, then she can act according to her own will; and even if she then still gets eaten by the shark, at least it was her choice to go in and she wasn’t being pushed or made to go in by unloving disrespecting-her-feelings people.
I’ve been getting more in touch with my fear of everything manmade. Driving home from Olivia’s the ‘egg lady’ I could feel how comforting are the trees and grasses along the side of the road, but the road itself and then the horrible new bike track that’s been put alongside the road destroying so much of the vegetation, scares me. Everything we do is so brutal and with no consideration for what’s already there and what might be getting hurt. Building the road and all the unloving cars whizzing along it, it’s all so hard and harsh, and I am the vegetation that’s getting bulldozed by my parents insensitivity. I hate all we do - I hate them.
Yesterday I was able to feel my fear of them fully. I’ve touched on it, worked it out intellectually that I fear them, but I finally was able to feel it knowing that there was not one thing from any of them that made me feel truly good. I never felt secure and loved, always being made to feel insecure and unloved in so many different ways and right from the very beginning. Superficially I enjoyed some things and times with them, but nothing very deep, which I’d not understood until I met Marion, and now can understand for myself through my own feelings.
I feel more how as adults we have no idea about what a child is going through. For adults, as I listen to the women speaking about their grown up children and their grandchildren at the Bush Bank, I can see how really the child is just this strange thing, like a strange sort of pet or even ornament. It’s something that really they have no idea about, let alone the affect they are having on it. They have no real idea how they are contributing to what it will become, and how it’s absorbing all that they are - they have no idea how fucked they are.
And so for an adult, the parent can simply have the child or not have it. Really if it doesn’t suit them it should be discarded, throw it away or give it to someone else who might for some reason want it. The child doesn’t really matter, even if they are one of those parents who say their child is everything to them - they still don’t have a clue. But for the child every second of its existence with its parents is crucial for its wellbeing. And if one moment is unloving then that is absolutely devastating and ruins all what could be - the perfect person coming into being. And yet as parents and adults we stomp all over children, we being so out of touch with our own feelings - so out of touch with what the child feels. I can’t even say we’re like elephants stomping all over the ants because elephants are not as out of touch with themselves and their feelings as we are, and they wouldn’t just stomp all over the ants or their children being unfeeling in what they are doing all whilst saying they are being good and loving parents.
So I think of my parents and their twenty years with me and they don’t have a clue what I am all about, or what they put me through, I am just some sort of fantasy they have in their mind called ‘James’, this thing who is their child. And then I grew up and went my own way and now we have nothing further to do with each other, they being busy with their own lives whilst I’ve spent the best part of my adult life busy with trying to rectify the damage they did to me. They didn’t really want me, they wanted to have a fantasy romantic love affair, they were relatively young, they didn’t really want to be saddled with babies and young children who curtailed their ‘freedom’. And yet they believed - another fantasy - that they had to have children, the house, the family and all the rest, but really would have preferred to just have sex with each other and get pissed and have fun going out to dinner and having dinner parties and buying all the goodies they wanted.
So I was only part of their lives and not really an important part, just something they had to deal with and mostly without putting any thought into, and especially how their actions were affecting me. And yet for me, they were my gods, they were my whole life, the very air I breathed, every moment with them was my security, I needed them to love me, to care for me and care about me. I needed them to make me feel safe and desperately wanted to trust them, they were the last people I wanted to lie to me and tell me one thing yet do another. My whole twenty years of development was all focused around them, my every moment was focused on and looking to them for guidance, and yet I was just a bother, something in the way most of the time, someone they’d have rather not have had anything to do with. Had they had the money and with society favourable they’d have just provide us with a nanny, never having to do anything with us other than just occasionally pat us on our heads and kiss our cheeks - that would have suited them fine; they might have even been able to pretend they loved having children even more than they did.
As I am waking up to the truth of my relationship with my parents, so I am able to let go of all the nagging fantasies I have attached to them. I wanted them to care more about me and I was hoping one day they would, that one day they would genuinely take an interest in me, but that day has now passed its use-by date. I am realising they won’t come, they won’t ever be the true loving mum and dad I’ve longed for, they are not those people. So I am letting that dream go.
I am able to understand that all I went through is just for myself, and really it has nothing even to do with them. Just as all they went through as young children is for them, which they will understand one day when they want to know the truth of themselves. And that I am alone, they will not be with me forever, that they can’t, that we don’t even share anything in common, and so I can stop looking to them, always hoping they will notice me and come over and want to finally be with me. I want them to be with me as Marion was saying she want’s her perfect friend to be with her, some Celestial spirit perhaps, just as she too wanted her parents to be with her. But it’s never going to happen, so the harsh reality is that for ourselves in our healing we only have ourselves, even though we are together, still we are really alone because we can’t be for each other what we long for because we’re not healed and in too much need ourselves.
So yes we can listen to each other and be there for each other in a very limited way, but as we’re both as fucked as each other, we can’t really help each other that much, and nothing like the sort of help we’d both like.
And we can’t expect our parents to miraculously heal themselves, change, and be our true and loving parents because the time has passed, we can’t be their little children again and they parent us as we really needed to be parented.
There is so much grieving, so much lost, so much sadness realising that not only did it not happen, but it never will. And that being formed in an unloving state, that state still applies as an adult, so there will be no love in any of our relationships, there will only be more of the same of what there has always been. The only difference now being as we’re striving to live true to how we are, that we are allowing ourselves to be as unloved as we feel, to be just as we’ve always felt - as they made us feel. And free to express it all.
So I am trying to allow myself to feel as scared and unloved as I feel. It’s hard to do as I hate all those feelings. And that then leads me to understand that it’s the bad feelings themselves - feeling bad - that I am so scared of, and all because when I felt them they didn’t allow me to express them. Marion moved the knife from the chopping board and I felt angry with her. I didn’t want it moved. I immediately check myself, coming down hard on my anger, saying no, just keep going and get the knife back as it’s okay, no harm done, no big deal. But NO, now at least with her I can express my anger. I can be angry with her, I can speak about it, and all it makes me feel. And she doesn’t do what they did, she doesn’t crunch me harder with her anger because I am showing how I don’t like and don’t love and hate her by saying how angry with her I am. So gradually I am realising I don’t have to fear Marion, nor do I have to fear my anger at her, because she doesn’t hit back. She is not my mother and father. So I am allow myself to be angry. And expressing it makes me feel empowered and better about myself and I feel I have made progress. I don’t have to remain as I am, stuffed full of anger with it burning a hole in my soul and my not allowed to voice or vent it, all of which makes me feel scared of it, miserable, feeling so powerless and ineffectual in my life.
Mum and dad are no longer in my life. But all the bad feelings resulting from my time with them is. I am no longer afraid of them as people, but I am still very scared of all the bad feelings. I still believe - wrongly, yet I can’t help it as the patterns are fixed - that in every situation in life they are still with me and still going to make me feel bad. So I can’t do anything. I’m completely powerless in life, I hate everything and everyone, I don’t want to do anything, nothing makes me feel good. I still feel surrounded by them, everyone on the outside and all people do is them, and I am surrounded by them on the inside, inundated continually by overwhelming bad feelings that scared the shite out of me.
So all I can is keep expressing my fear, keep saying how bad I feel, how scared I am all the time, and keep allowing myself to feel and act accordingly. And my mind and its beliefs are breaking down, my head is in constant pain and I don’t feel well, yet somehow I keep managing to do what needs to be done with my feelings leading and having more of a say.
And I much prefer this way of life, even with all the pain, because at least I feel more real and connected with it, at least I’m getting to know what I’m afraid of. And best of all I’m slowly becoming myself, the self that is not dependant or determined by them. They are slowly fading away out of my life and I long for the day to come when I go for days not giving them a thought, when no longer will I have repressed feelings resulting from their impact on me that need to come up. To be completely free to just be myself, and no longer needing or trying to be the false untrue me they wanted and made me be.
I find it increasingly difficult to write exactly how I feel. My feelings are too involved and many are too subtle. The psychology is too overwhelming. Speaking to Marion I can manage in a sort of way to stumble along getting something of their essence out, but writing how I feel and all the complexities doesn’t do myself or them justice. I wish I could impart something of how complex it all is, how I’ve moved way beyond anything I’d heard or read about. Marion is still taking me into deeper understanding, still making me consider things that are new yet all tying in with all the spiritual understanding - even helping me to better understand what I have written about.
And increasingly I feel like in some way I’m sinking deeper into becoming more real, getting more in touch with the hell that surrounds me, the hell that is within me, the hell that I am - the hell that I feel, and yet at the same time, moving up and away - ascending - from it all, growing in truth and no longer feeling as afflicted by it all as I have felt. And then again on other levels feeling even more afflicted the more I see about my state and just how much there is for all of us to see. I feel more connected with myself and life, all through my feelings now instead of my mind, and yet at the same time, less connected with life, more not wanting to have anything to do with it, more that I can’t relate to how it and other people are, and yet feeling better about being able to be with and cope with other people who I can’t relate to. As always so many contradictions, no real vision or purpose, no defined way, no yellow-brick-road to walk along, just a blundering along the stony track slowly awaking with a more refined sensitivity to the horror of it all - to the horror of myself. And I want to see it all and yet I don’t want to see any of it. I want to stay and face it and be part of the murky putrid smelling swamp, and yet I also want to fly away on silver-golden wings to live at peace in the heavenly rainbow. I want in, and I want out. I hate it all whilst I’m awed by the incredibleness of it. I can’t write the words, I don’t know how to express myself in English, it’s all so difficult and yet that too is just another part of the amazingness of it all - that I am writing anything at all.
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Post by James on Dec 26, 2015 17:30:34 GMT 10
I’m so scared of speaking, of saying what I think, of saying what I feel. I’m scared to express myself. As soon as I open my mouth I expect to be criticised, told to shut up, told I’m interfering and to go away, told that what I am saying is wrong, not wanted, unacceptable. As soon as I go to speak I’m wracked with fear of what’s going to happen to me, that some sort of horrible rejection of me will happen - that I’ll get the half-brick thrown in my face, again. This is being with mum (Capricorn). She needing to always be the centre of attention, and so possessive of that attention. So when I opened my mouth that was competition for that attention with my threatening to take it away from her, so she had to quickly stop me so she could get back in the limelight.
And yet when I think they want me to speak and when I have been given the go-ahead, I go on and on as if I will never stop, and as if everyone in the whole world wants to listen to me, and as if all that I am saying is all that is worth saying, that everything else is rubbish, that I know what is the truth, what is right, what we all need to hear. This is being with Gran, it’s how she the Aquarian (I know) was, believing she knew all that there was to know and of course that everyone would want to listen to her.
So here I am with all this truth and the feeling that I want and should tell the whole world about it all, and that of course it’s the only truth and the whole world should stop and listen to me because if they did then all their troubles and worries would go, that I know best (Gran); and yet at the same time I am scared to death of opening my mouth and saying what I want to say because the whole world is going to say shut up we don’t want to listen to you, go away, you’re boring us, and what would you have to say anyway, nothing that we want, that nothing you say will make us feel happy, you’re always talking about all that bad feeling miserable stuff - yuk, we hate you and won’t listen to anything you say (mum).
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Post by James on Jan 2, 2016 21:48:16 GMT 10
How can we love ourselves more? We can’t make ourselves love ourselves more, we can think we can, and even believe we have, but that’s all by using our mind and so is false and contrived. We can only love ourselves more by dealing with our rejection of ourselves, which we are doing through our healing. By embracing our unloving thoughts and feelings about ourselves and everyone else, by allowing them to be, focusing on them, expressing them and longing for their truth, we are loving our unloving state as much as we can. We’re being unconditionally accepting of our unlovingness - this being as loving as we can be in our wrongness.
Respecting the other person The other person is, believe it or not, not you. Neither is the other person an extension of you. Your child is not you or an extension of you, neither is your dog or intimate friend or an acquaintance you bump into in the street. You are not the boss with everyone else being your lacky, or slave, the person you have all rights to tell what to do, how to be and what to say.
By accepting the other person is not yourself - is a completely separate individual to you, someone who exists in their own right, if you approach them, want to speak to them, want to interact having anything to do with them, then it should be done with full respect of them being a person in their own right.
If you want to speak to someone then you should understand you are going to disturb them, you are wanting their attention, you are wanting them to focus on you rather than on themselves and whatever they are doing. You are asking them to stop being as they want to be and be how you want them to be - listening to you. And so you should respect this as you approach them, understanding what you are asking of them, that their is more going on between you and the other person than you just opening your mouth with words coming out at them. And without just assuming or demanding that they will drop everything and listen to you, that there is no one else other than you in the whole world that they want to instantly pay attention to, that they live waiting for the very moment that you open your mouth.
So it’s about having humility, and feeling you have your own power and don’t need to have power over someone else. If you need such power then you are more likely to just take it, or try to get it without asking, so without respecting the other person and understanding you are asking them to do something for you by listening and responding to you, something they might not be wanting to do.
When you approach the other person, that person might not want to be disturbed, they might be absorbed in what they are doing, they might be enjoying being themselves and might not want to give up that enjoyment. So you need to bear in mind that you are asking a lot of the other person when you want them to listen and respond to you.
So how do you ask? It is necessary in every situation to approach the other person by saying something like: I’m sorry for interrupting you, but would you mind listening to and then responding to me, I have something I want to ask or say to you. And knowing they have the full right to say no, to reject you, to say, no, not know, I’m busy with myself and what I’m doing.
Of course how you ask depends on your relationship with the other person. If it’s an established relationship you’ll more than likely speak to them in a different way, not needing to politely ask them if they would give you their attention, than you would if you approached a stranger in the street asking them for directions. But still the underlying intention is the same, and one needs to understand it’s all about respect of the other person, all things which we should have of course learnt during childhood, and which shouldn’t need to be laboriously spelled out, worked through, and practiced to get right.
My parents talked to me as if I was a mere extension of them, and a bother at that, I wasn’t just another arm that instinctively knew what was being asked of it, I was some wayward flapping around all but useless extra appendage that needed to be brought under control, put to work - made use of. They just spoke at me demanding that I drop myself and pay instant attention to them. It didn’t matter to them if I was absorbed in my own thing, even just in my own thoughts and feelings. If they wanted me to do something or be a certain way they told me to be it and I was supposed to instantly do it, not complain, not ignore them, and not even treat them the same way they treated me.
If I put up some sort of protest, if I objected, refused, said no, took too long, they got angry rejecting me, making me feel bad, telling me that I was not loving or respecting them, even telling me that I was being selfish for being so self-absorbed. It was all about themselves, nothing about how I was feeling and whether or not I wanted to do what they were asking. I don’t think it ever occurred to them to consider they might be disturbing or interfering with me. I was their child, their for them, to do only what they wanted.
And they made me listen to them. They never asked me (nicely) if I would might stopping being with myself and my own thoughts and feelings or stopping doing what I was doing and pay attention and listen to them. They talked on and on for hours hardly drawing breath and I had to stay attentive, at least by saying a ‘yes’ every now and again giving the illusion that I was listening, when I was off in my own mind. And they never said thank you for listening, for giving me your precious time. They didn’t care about me, my life wasn’t for myself, it was only there for them at their disposal.
And because I didn’t exist in my own right, so they didn’t care where I was in my life. They didn’t even remember where we’d got up in our communication, what we’d talked about before, the other day - a moment ago. It was as if they had just come across me seeing me for the first time, and so telling me as if I didn’t already know, as if we’d never spoken about whatever it was before, so I had to sit through the same things time and time again being told repeatedly the same old stuff. And it didn’t matter if I protested or said yes you’ve told me that, or shut up we already know that, or why don’t you respect me by knowing where we are in our communication and including me properly in your life. They just ignored such protestations, or got angry with me, even punished me for being bad, and just kept going, overriding or ignoring me, telling me more forcibly whatever they wanted to say to me.
And how did their treatment of me make feel? Miserable, scared, like I don’t matter and don’t exist, very unloved, no one cares about me, fucking angry. Just how it makes Marion feel when I now treat her the same way because that’s all I know how to do - the same as what they did to me.
And how does it make me feel knowing I’m just the same as they are - I HATE IT, I HATE BEING AS I AM!
I used to think that being spiritual was about receiving the Divine Love, speaking with spirits, revealing the higher truths and just generally being morally good, true and loving, whilst living God’s Will. Now as the Divine Love doesn’t come in answer to my prayers, with the Mother and Father saying I have to first heal myself, and whilst understanding that it’s about living true to myself, so honouring and expressing all my feelings, I find the post I’ve written above being possibly one of my most important, and yet its subject: how we speak to each other, is about the last thing I would have thought was being spiritual.
And yet what is ‘being spiritual’? And as we are spiritual beings clothed in flesh, for us not to speak properly to each other, fully honouring and being true to ourselves and then fully respecting the other person - being able to express all we feel in Creation, which amounts to simply: just being ourselves, is not being as spiritual as we can be.
In our negative states, because we’re negating and rejecting so many of our feelings, so rejecting so much of ourselves, and we’re doing this because of our erroneous beliefs and unloving behaviours, so we can’t be as spiritual as we are - we are not being our true selves being all false and wrong - evil.
So my healing has come down to understanding how I’m not considerate of the other person when I talk, which is because I’m not considerate of myself. I wasn’t treated with respect so I don’t know how to respect - myself or the other person, which is all now very obvious to Marion and myself in my self-expression. So for me to heal myself, to be perfect, I will know that I am at least on the right track when I feel fully connected with myself in all I think and feel, expressing myself truly and with complete respect for myself and the other person in every interaction. So I’ve still got a long way to go. And all this amounts to my being able to express the personality of my soul truly in my life. That which my parents prevented me from doing.
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Post by James on Jan 11, 2016 21:43:24 GMT 10
As I was going to sleep I asked the Mother and Father to please show me the truth of why I still have all my addictions and bad habits and why I still can’t heal them. Then I felt like I was back with mum and dad when I was young, and once again, a deeper awareness came up in me as to how deeply unhappy I am and have always been. And yet I’ve put a happy face on for most of the time, yet within myself I’ve not felt happy, and now it’s even more obvious than it was.
Then this morning I’ve woken up with more of these feelings, with my being truer to them, feeling how very unhappy I am and always have been, and how raging angry I am yet how deeply repressed my anger is, and how terribly scared I am, always on the verge of freaking out with fear, and how miserable being like this makes me, that I am so miserable, and so much so I don’t know why I’m not cutting my throat from despair.
But as I was not allowed to stay true to these feelings, so I’ve built up layer upon layer of pretending I’m all right, that I’m not so unhappy, miserable, angry and scared, but I am. And really I am only those things. So today I’m trying to stay with these feelings, feeling how completely devastated I feel feeling so unloved.
Then Marion and I were talking about being a baby and having a baby (not with each other, but had we in life) and how with us being so fucked our baby would take all that on, and I would imagine should start crying in the womb and keep crying forevermore because of the pain it would feel feeling so unloved by us who are so anti love, truth and all good feelings, because we never felt loved.
And how bad it would be having a baby that just cried and cried no matter what you did, that nothing would calm it down, and knowing that it was endlessly crying because it had formed within and from us who are only pain, misery, anger, fear, sadness, unhappy, hating everything and everyone and mostly ourselves, feeling so unloved.
Still after all these years of my healing I am waking up to just how bad I am, and how fucked we all are, and how much we don’t have any idea. And of course I will still be waking up right the way to the end of my healing should there ever be an end, which today doesn’t feel like it. How could it end? How could I not ever feel so down, depressed and unhappy, when all I feel is so unloved?
And as Marion says, well all you can do it keep bringing those feelings out into the light, there is nothing else and they are better out than in. So I struggle on.
Marion said later: if you are expressing your feelings the best you can, then you are allowing the Mother and Father to guide you - what else can you do? And you don’t have to worry about anything. You don’t have to make yourself go to the toilet or not, your body takes care of itself, you just go; just as you don’t have to worry what you are meant to do or not meant to do, you just do what you do all so long as you’re expressing yourself and wanting to know the truth of why you are feeling those feelings. So as long as we take care of expressing all our feelings, which is really the only part we have to care about ourselves with, then the rest will take care of itself; we’ll feel when we’re hungry, what we need to do, and so on; we don’t have to think about it all, plan, rationalise it or even work it all out, unlike what we’ve been made to believe we should do so as to live a successful life.
I have so much stress in me today, I’m feeling so unhappy and so scared and every time I talk about these bad feelings I can feel the stress is the panic of quickly trying to stop feeling that way: quick, jump on the internet and trade and make money (if only), because by having more money everything will be better, because it’s mum complaining and angry about not having all the money she wants. But money is not going to fix it. But be quick; dad saying hurry up and do as your mother says, just do what she wants to make her happy, quick, anything just do it, just do it to shut her up. Do anything to stop her raging at me and everyone - QUICK!
For the whole morning I talked and talked about feeling so stressed. And eventually I came back around to seeing that of course it’s all the same reasons as usual. That I was just used by them and particularly mum and Gran to be talked at, they talked and talked like I was doing today and not engaging me in conversation, just as I wasn’t engaging Marion. However being so young and not knowing anything and not being allowed to freely express what I felt, I had to keep pretending I was listening to them, and got praised for being there for them, and never left. I’ve never really left mum and Gran’s side, still believing it’s important for me to absorb and take all they need to say. Just to be there, someone had to be, so they said, and as dad was not there and got kicked out anyway, and as my grandfather was too far gone, so it was me the first child who had to take it all. And I took it all shielding Nicholas and Suzi who were able to grow up being more of a free person and able to communicate and express themselves and have a life than I did.
And finally by lunch time I’d managed to express my deep stress - this amount of it anyway - out of me. But then it was hot today and yet more bad feelings about that and how debilitating I find the heat now, it being just as debilitating as it was being with mum and dad.
Then the change came and things have eased a bit within me as they eased outside, we had finally a few drops of rain, but still not enough to give all the plants a much needed drink. So it was hardly a respite, which was how it also was for me. I realised that during the easier times, it wasn’t then that I could leave and have my life, I just spent most of my time resting and recuperating readying myself for the next onslaught. I feel like I’ve been on the deck of a war-ship all my life. I jump on the guns trying to fight off the invaders - mum and Gran and dad. Then they go, I am never killed unfortunately, and I rest mucking around with the others, my brother and sister, playing with any little bugs that happen to come my way on the ship, waiting for the next attack. And sure enough it comes, and time and time again that is my life, nothing more. Being at the Bush Bank is just my time off in-between the next round of abuse from them, and it’s always been the same. I’ve never left them, never gone out on my own, for I can’t, I play a too important role with them, they need me, I feel wanted and needed being there listening to them even if when they speak I just say yes and dream about being some great spiritual teacher and leader or fish breeder or... because they never actually engage me in conversation, they never want to know me - what I’m thinking and feeling. And they never ask.
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Post by James on Jan 17, 2016 17:40:12 GMT 10
Scared
We have to be ‘forced’ - by the Mother and Father - to go through it, all the hardship, suffering, agony and pain of our unloving, negative and evil states, otherwise we’d not want to do it, because if you had a choice, who’d want to be evil, who’d want to feel continuously bad even if you were able to like we can, pretend you were feeling good, powerful and in control. So who’d want to experience all the bad feelings if you had a choice between experiencing good or bad feelings? And yet look at how much there is to be gained by experiencing all the bad. The Urantia Book speaks about those spirits from other perfect worlds who look at us and say: fear, what’s that? - what have you got to be scared about when you live in the Creation of such overwhelmingly loving Parents! And yet we who’ve not been allowed to know, feel and experience such overwhelming love, only know fear and no-love, shitting ourselves in most of what we do in life. Fear, that’s part of us, ingrained in our souls, part of being, we don’t know anything else but fear - what would it be like to live without fear, with no fear at all ever penetrating your good feelings of love, truth and happiness? No, that is not for us, we’re all on a fear-ridden world, we are to get to know fear intimately, even to pretend it’s our friend, that it’s love, all because we don’t know anything but fear. We are the Fearful-Ones. We are of no love. We are of fear. We are so scared having been ‘nurtured’ on fear. That is what our lives are about, that is what the Mother and Father want us to experience at the beginning of our start in Creation. To begin in the wrongness, to begin by going the wrong way; to begin by being subjected to so much evil that we can’t even know real and true love until we’ve completed our healing and are no longer fearful, being all-love. But will we ever be able to attain that state of love, happiness and a full sense of feeling we’re all-right and nothing bad will happen to us - a state of not feeling scared?
And to fully experience living in our fearful states includes healing ourselves of such a state. It’s not enough to experience it mostly unaware and unconscious of being in it and all it entails. And should the Divine Love or God magically take it away, that would also be no good because still we’d not come to the full truth and understanding of it which we only achieve through our healing. So our healing is just as big, if not in some ways even bigger, than our time in our fearful unloving unhappy states of wrongness. Our healing needs to take us, and all through our feelings, into and through each level and twist and turn of our fearfulness, all so we can feel just how scared we feel and so felt when we were growing up. We need to feel each scared feeling and know what we are scared about - how love was withheld and denied us; and then also how we’ve tried to cover up and pretend that we’re not scared, that we’ve ‘got over it’, that we are not the powerless, humiliated, nothing person we feel we are, but how instead we are strong and all-powerful and the master or mistress of our domain. We have to understand the truth of how full-of-shit we are, how we’re kidding ourselves, just how false we are, and really how fucked we feel. That we are nothing more than a pathetic whimp who’s shitting itself, scared to death in everything it does, shitting itself with fear in each and every moment. And all because that’s how you feel when you don’t feel loved. No love and you’re falling. And when you’re falling and the there is no bottom only blackness, then you are very scared, and very alone, and there is no one there for you, and that’s how we feel every time our parents rejected us, and rejected us even in the slightest of ways. As soon as we felt they didn’t want us, WHAM, you may as well have been hit in the face and told to fuck off we hate you, we don’t you, we don’t want to see you ever again, we don’t want to know you, we don’t care if you don’t exist at all, because that’s how you feel. And that is SCARY. There is nothing worse than feeling scared and feeling always SO SCARED. SACRED! That is the truth of living on Earth, and anyone who says they don’t feel scared, well good luck to them.
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Post by James on Jan 22, 2016 16:59:40 GMT 10
It’s such a terrible thing being self-conscious. It limits being able to have an openly expressive relationship. You’ve always got your parent and anyone else during your early childhood who: criticised you, embarrassed, humiliated, ridiculed, made fun of, called you stupid, checked you, generally stopped you from expressing yourself, and made you be too aware of the other person - of how you were affecting them, and were you being nice, were you not being too this way or that, are you looking good - presenting yourself acceptably, in the way of yourself and the other person you’re trying to have a relationship with.
It’s like having Satan or a demon or evil spirit constantly hissing in your ear, taking your focus off your natural self-awareness and making you put it onto yourself in an unnatural way. However instead of it being Satan or some evil spirit outside of you, it’s only your parents still inside you, with you still being locked into them. You project them onto everyone because they are still with you, still ‘in your face’, still controlling you, still having power over you, still telling you how you should be, still doing all the horrible unloving things they did to you.
So how you can have a decent loving relationship with someone else when you’ve got all that lot as barriers between you and the other person? They are gigantic hurdles, impenetrable mountains standing in your way blocking your ability to relate easily, truly and without all the power-shit stuff getting in the way.
When Jesus says in the Divine Love prayer to James Padgett that the Evil Ones constantly surround us, he’s talking about our parents and carers, because the Evil Spirits, the original instigators of the wrongness from whom our parents have taken over, are no long able to get at us. It’s just us and our parents. Certainly other mortal spirits might be able to interfere with us, but they too are still nothing more than representatives of our parents. So it’s our parents rotten unloving relationship with us we’ve got to fully deal with - by seeing the whole truth of it.
So if you feel self-conscious, then you’ve got work to do on your self to uncover the truth of why you feel that way through your feelings. A child isn’t naturally self-conscious, it steadily increases its self-awareness if it’s not interfered with and is allowed to do so; but when it’s made to focus on the wrong way, unloving ways, you can see the pain on it’s face, in its whole being as it’s made to look at itself the wrong way - not in a good and loving way.
Marion and I can’t have decent, true and loving relationships with anyone else, we can’t even have one with each other, because we’ve still got out parents stuff inside us telling us all those negative things about ourselves, still making us feel we’re bad and useless nothings and that we have to put everyone else and their feelings first and before our own feelings.
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