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Post by James on Oct 26, 2014 22:07:35 GMT 10
Looking at a picture of mum
Having not seen my mother for nearly eighteen years about six months ago I found a picture of her on the Internet, she now being in her early seventies.
Then last night I came across her picture again and was amazed by my reaction to it. I couldn’t look at her, my body - me - reacted to it seemingly of its own accord. My head involuntarily turned aside and I realised I was looking at the pad I keep to the left of the computer and not at the picture of her. So using my mind to override my fear of her, I forced myself to look at her, and it took so much effort as I’m still so scared of what she’s going to do to me.
Talking about it to Marion this morning I felt good having such a strong reaction looking at her, it being truer, the truest I’ve been, instead of what I’d learnt to do, denying such fear having no problems looking at her or being with her.
But the truth is, which I’m coming to understand more so everyday, that I am terrified of her, as I’ve written about so much before, but still I am waking up to just how terrified I am. And I can’t remember many specific bad things she did to me when I was young to make me fear her so much, but my whole body is now reacting to her as in my not even being able to look at one small picture of her as an older woman.
So I feel better about my fear of her. I’m allowing myself to be more true to it, to feel and react more naturally to it. And my mind is obviously letting go its control over me, no longer having to put on the brave face of not feeling scared or bothered by her.
And then I could see how she - together with dad and my four grandparents - have made me scared of all people, of the interaction and communication with them. I am one big confusion about it all, I never know what to say or if what I’ve said was right or appropriate, always worried about what others will think of me. All of which I’ve covered over with my bravado of: I’m All Right.
So by allowing myself to hide at home, to have as minimal contact and interaction with other people as I can, all the while trying to express all my fears and confusion, is helping me to let go the need I have to feel I am okay, to fall into my fear and confusion, speak about it all with Marion, and just see what happens - all how it makes me feel. And all whilst allowing myself to feel how pathetic I am, still being the terrified little boy who wants everything and everyone to be nice to him.
I carry that picture of mum in my mind now with me all the time, all so I can keep feeling how scared of her I am. Because it all comes from her, she is the one who scared me the most, she is the one who confused me and stopped me from having normal interactions with people, all because she stopped me normally interacting and communicating with her.
So I am trying to allow myself to keep trembling every time I look at that picture of her. And to understand that this is how I am in life, one big nervous wreck. And not to do anything about that, just staying with my fear, speaking about it as much as I can, and longing to see all the truth it is to show me about myself.
And it’s all so sad, I feel so sorry for myself, I only have to look at my mother and I start shaking. But in fact I am already shaking, she’s already traumatised me, so now my looking at her just brings it up more. I am a shaking quaking nervous wreck unable to have a normal life.
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Post by James on Nov 3, 2014 10:26:20 GMT 10
Sex
I saw more about my relationship with women and sex this morning. Based on my early life my relationships with women fall into three categories.
I am attracted to the ‘poor’ one, so I can look after her, so I can feel important and strong, leading her in sexual activity, it mostly being a physical sex relationship, which I attribute to my relationship with my sister when she was a baby and very young. There wasn’t anything sexual about it back then, that part I’ve added with sexual maturity which I project onto women, but I felt strong leading her and looking after her, she being the little ‘poor’ one who according to mum needed my older important brotherly attention and care.
I am attracted to the dominant ‘mother’ type woman wanting her to mother me, so I can be the powerless little person, the baby again, wrapped up in her safe caring affectionate arms, all of which I so heavily crave having been denied such warmth and love growing up. So in my sexual fantasises (I was never able to ‘give over’ to such women during my sexually out-there active years) I want her to come and rescue me, to make all the approaches and lead me, making me feel important, secure and loved.
And I am attracted to women wanting an equal relationship in which I’ve come to understand is based on being with a daughter of one of mums friends who was my age during my forming years. And this further expands out to her being the girl fairy and me the boy fairy, and we can run off and live happily ever after together. Only today have I realised I want to be the boy fairy, for until now I’ve always seen fairies as being girls - a girl thing, even though I relate to nature spirits (real fairies) as being both ‘male’ and ‘female’.
So in all the women I am attracted to I can feel these things, in some women two of them or even all three. And when I look back at my adult relationships with women and in my sexual fantasies, I’ve turned all these early life attractions into being sexual, all physical, all in the hope that through sex I will get what I never got - love. And my healing has been one long coming to understand that sex ain’t going to do it, it’s not going to give me what I truly need.
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Post by James on Nov 3, 2014 10:27:53 GMT 10
Feeling pissed off again
I’m feeling really pissed off again today, about everything, about how I was treated. Standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the soup to boil suddenly it just came into my mind - as these things do - that throughout my whole schooling not once did a teacher teach me personally, not once did any of them come up to me and encourage me, or even criticise me, and never did anyone praise me. Marion and I have talked about all the various aspects of our schooling many times, and as I progress in my healing and the more personal I am becoming by being more connected to myself through my feelings, I am still seeing just how unloving and impersonal it all was for me. Wes said how important it was to him when his teacher personally connected with him in a loving and supportive way, and I can now appreciate that more through understanding how I never got it at school and nor at home. It’s so ironic, I went to supposedly the best school in Melbourne, one with supposedly the best teachers, a private boys school, Marion went to a state school in the outer suburbs where supposedly all the worst teachers taught, and yet she was personally praised and supported by a couple of her teachers, one year she loved maths because of the maths teacher helping her personally, another year with English, helping her develop her love of words and reading. She didn’t get anything positive from home but she did get a taste of something good away from home. I didn’t get anything from anywhere, it was simply enough, assumed, that because I went to the best school that was that, I was part of the best and so naturally would feel good. And it was the same at home, with a sort of all-pervading assumption that James is all right, there’s nothing he needs, he’s capable, he can cope and look after himself. So what was I supposed to do - self-praise myself all the way along telling myself how good I am, how good I feel, and that I like myself? The psychologist I went to said most of his clients were from my school, so it sure did a good job on us along with all our rotten parenting. So when people praise my writing I don’t feel much, actually I don’t know what to feel as it never happened to me, it wasn’t part of my early life. I write to be liked, wanted, accepted and thought well of, I write to be loved, but even when I get what I want I don’t fully embrace and acknowledge it. Then Gran clicks in, and it’s: ‘Be humble James, don’t big-note yourself, don’t let it go to your head, people who do are not nice people’, so I can’t even say thank you to those people who do say they like my writing and it’s helping them as that means I’ll get a big head. So thank you everyone who has said they have got something from it, I do appreciate your words of support. And then on the other side I don’t even get people heavily criticising me, saying I’m in league with Satan or writing with the Devil by speaking with spirits - nothing, all because I never got anything like that either during my forming years.
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Post by James on Nov 3, 2014 10:31:14 GMT 10
You don’t do anything for anyone, the trees do. Stop chopping down the trees!
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Post by James on Nov 3, 2014 10:32:14 GMT 10
How will I ever feel loved?
I go this way and that, through all the various parts of my early life, dissecting it all over and over in relation to what I’m currently going through and feeling. And it all comes back to the same truth: I wasn’t love, I don’t feel love. And then I am left with the same questions: How will I ever feel loved? How can I ever feel good and loved when I didn’t get it through my early life? Who will come and love me so much that I will feel like I’ve been thoroughly loved as a baby and right the way though my childhood? What has to happen to change me and my life so dramatically for me to feel completely the opposite to how I do feel? And is it that I will come to love myself, that I am the parent I never got, and that through my healing that is what I am doing for myself by becoming truer to my pain?
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Post by James on Nov 11, 2014 22:08:08 GMT 10
Bits and pieces that have come up for us lately.
Can you feel if you are wearing your jewellery for yourself, simply for your own pleasure, or for other people - to impress them, for you to look good?
Do you feel like: What have I done to deserve this rotten life? Why am I being punished - I wasn’t bad. I’ve tried to be good, my parents said I was bad, so why do I have to feel so bad and have such a hard time when surely it’s my parents that should be punished - not me.
It’s as if we believe we are more loving than God, we, the ‘good’ people, not all those bad people. And we show how good and loving we are by loving all those bad people, by loving the worst, by loving and keeping alive our radiation mutated ugly baby instead of killing it so it can go on and have a decent life in spirit. And we can add artificial bits and pieces to our bodies to keep us going, always to keep us alive. We show we’re more loving than God because we can make ourselves stay alive when God is trying to stop us living. So we believe we’re better than You, God, and we’ll show You, we can alter our genetic structure, we can make a better version of ourselves than the faulty one You made God. We can stop ourselves getting all the diseases You are trying to make us have, so we’ll show you, we’ll look after all the horrors and unconditionally love them by keeping them alive and showing our love is greater than Yours. We are better than you God, so you God had better watch out!
The child should be able to say sorry because IT FEELS it, and not because it is told to, it being the ‘right’ thing it should do. The right thing for everyone else. So making it put the focus on the other person taking the focus off itself. The other person becoming the important one, the child not important, and not as important as the other person. That’s the corruption, that’s how we’ve been made to become untrue - that’s what is so evil.
Can you remember the beginning of your self-betrayal? That time when you started to go against yourself, against your own feelings. You didn’t want to do it, you felt it was wrong to do, but you made yourself do it, going against yourself. You believed they were right, you did it to please them, or you were just forced to do it. ‘I had better not do that or I will upset mummy.’
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Post by James on Nov 11, 2014 22:11:30 GMT 10
Update on my writing
Even more so lately my writing feels like it’s drawing to a close. I’ll still be participating on the forum however once I’ve posted my latest bits with the Mother and Father I doubt I’ll be writing much else - anyway, that’s how I feel at the moment.
I’ve been feeling that my writing is part of my denial, it’s now easier for me to write than to speak, but that’s not how it’s meant to be. And as I break down my inability to communicate properly, uncovering the truth of how badly I do it, so that’s where I want to put all my attention. My writing has among other things helped me to stay away from speaking about it all - all my feelings, keeping me focused in my mind trying to understand about all that our healing is and all the truths and information I’ve wanted to know.
I do have in the back of my mind a sense that I will stop writing altogether at some point, moving to only speaking about it all, however that I would imagine would happen should I ever finish my healing. But the writing has at least served the purpose of making available to people all over the place, people I will never speak to, such information, and I’ve enjoyed it all. I still have a lot of other older writing that one day I’d ideally like to bring up to scratch, however I don’t fancy the long hours of re-reading it all. And mostly it’s only more padding to fill out the essentials I’ve put on the Internet, with little new information.
There is still one whole chunk of my writings I am yet to officially publish, and I won’t put it out there until I know the whole truth of it, and for the time being I’m just sitting on the fence with it. But should I ever come to know that it is all true, or should anything I have written drastically change in a truth sense, then I will write the necessary changes.
My aim now is to communicate truly. Every day Marion helps me see just how badly I do it, I had no idea there was so much to expressing oneself to another person. And I must have all the parts wrong, my self-expression is so bad, I am so disconnected from myself and articulate my feelings, so far from ensuring my message is getting across and makes the person feel as I intend. And for me now it’s the most important part of my healing, it’s what I’m working on the most, and even if I wanted to write about it I find it all to difficult to do, just as difficult as trying to speak about it.
Anyway Samantha and Wes, and anyone else, still please do not hesitate to ask me about anything, although I don’t log on long each time I visit the forum I do look at it a few times each day. And hello Desire if you’re reading this, I often think about you and wonder how you’re getting on.
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Post by James on Nov 13, 2014 19:52:29 GMT 10
I am loveless. I don’t love. I don’t feel loved. Frankly I don’t know what love is - what it feels like. This is the truth of me, the truth my healing has led me to see, accept about myself, face, understand. I have discovered the ‘Great Truth’. And how do I feel about it? Being unloving and feeling so unloved sucks - what a revelation! Twenty years of healing work and longing for the Divine Love and now I know!
I feel very bad, unloved, horrible feelings, all the pain and misery I’ve felt through my healing years, and very angry about it. And completely powerless to do anything about any of it. Just how I felt with mum and dad. All I’ve done has been to not accept this truth about myself, but as I’m no longer doing so many of those things, so it’s come down to this: I am not a loving person.
I had believed - wrongly as it’s turning out - that as I progressed in my healing I’d change, as I gave up the unloving hateful evil me, I’d be bring out the true love good me. And that from the first day I began my healing I’d start to leave my badness behind, looking to grow in truth and become a nice person. I wanted to be like Jesus and Mary.
But now I completely say (which is in fact the theory I’ve said all the way along, only know I understand the stark reality of what I have said even more so), that all I’ve really done throughout my healing is strip myself of all that I believed about myself that wasn’t true. I believed I wasn’t that bad, and did love, at least to some degree, and could feel what love is, but as that’s all been false, all stuff I’ve made up with my mind based on my beliefs, so now I am left with the truth. Left with myself. YUK!
As I’ve repeatedly said, we’re to live true to our evilness first, and in doing that as we become true to our negative state, we are in some way healing it - I hope. Well now I feel I’m getting that much closer to living such truth. And there is no avoiding it. I am not loving and don’t feel loved. That is my truth, that is how I am, that is how my life has made me. So today I’m able to accept it more, just feel myself as I am, as I’ve always been underneath all my bullshit, and just feel as rotten as feeling of no love makes me feel.
So with my desire to write lessening, I feel I’m closing in on the truth of myself. And as much as I don’t like being this way, there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can keep doing is longing for the truth of the feelings that come up in me. And at least feelings are still coming up. At least I’m still feeling bad. It would be an even worse state to be in should I cease to feel anything, being so unloving. But at least feeling unloved keeps - or should keep - making me feel bad.
And by feeling bad, so I’ve come to understand today that because being an unloving person is bad, is wrong, I am bad, wrong - being naughty. And Bad People are bad, they are not nice, and bad things happen to bad and not nice people - so I was led to believe. And I don’t want to be bad and not nice. I want to be good and loving. And I fought their accusations choosing to believe and trying to convince myself they were wrong, that I wasn’t bad, they were bad, and I was right and good. But it’s all their doing and all crap. All of which has made be as unloving as I am.
And now in my unloving state I am just as I’ve always been. I’m not suddenly going around hating everyone out loud. I am still ‘nice’ and friendly in my interactions with people, even with Marion, but now I know that how I am like this is not loving. It’s just a way I’ve learnt to be, and one that mostly makes people be nice and friendly back to me, which just makes things easier and not like how it was with mum screaming at me.
So where do I go from here? I don’t know anymore, and don’t care. It’s a feeling by feeling moment. I would imagine still more into the truth of feeling how unloving and unloved I feel, as no doubt there is still a lot more about that I have to see about myself.
And then within all these bad feelings of no love I do have a slight good feeling. Good because I feel I am now much truer to my anti-love state. I’m not deluding myself about being unloving, I’m no longer trying to run away from my pain and bad feelings as much as I was, and I feel better about this.
I have been round this loop before, but today I feel even more true to it, and possibly next time around I’ll feel even truer. So this is me, warts and all, as is said. No love and all.
As I was talking about all I felt about this with Marion, having told her again last night as yet more anger and hated came up in me, that I hated being with her and her telling me all the time how wrong I am in my communication, all of which was again really telling mum and dad how much I hated them, I realised that had my healing changed me making me more loving as I thought it would do, then I’d have missed out on fully understanding the depths to which I have been subjected to evil and no love, and the degree to which I’ve become of it. Had the Divine Love taken my sins and errors away as I initially believed it would, then I’d have never known the Truth Of My Evilness, which is obviously what my soul and the Mother and Father want me to know, the reason for subjecting me to such an unloving condition. So I can now see with hindsight the beauty of the Divine Love not taking away my pain, nor my healing making me feel increasingly loved and more loving as I’ve moved along in it. For with such things to be withheld from me, if that is indeed the case as the Mother and Father have been telling me, has allowed me to fully come to terms with my yuk, with me being the horrible loveless person I am.
And along with this I also realised how thankful I am to Them for not bringing many people to this forum, because had more people come I can easily see now how my attention to them would have distracted me from all I’m seeing now about myself. I needed a few people to show me they can take what I’ve written and do their healing, just to show me it works for them, and then everything I’ve been helped to see about myself by being involved with them, but no more. So as usual it’s all perfect, just what my soul has needed, just what I have wanted, although I have been a bit slow on the uptake. I always find it a weird experience feeling I am always playing catch-up to my soul.
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Post by James on Nov 19, 2014 22:08:52 GMT 10
Are you wearing your jewellery to cover yourself up? All those beautiful things look good, better than you do, so you put them on hoping, even believing in some way, that you’ll become as beautiful as they are. You look at yourself and you are them, all those beautiful things. I put the jewel on and turn into the beautiful jewel. I am trying to create another me. I’m not happy with the me that I am, how I look, but more how I feel, the deeper real me. That’s the me that’s ugly, unattractive, not beautiful. That’s the me that is not wanted. I have to change myself to be wanted, into being better than the unwanted yuk person I feel I am. Everyone wants the beautiful, the beautiful feels wanted, loved. So by being my jewellery I will be what everyone wants. I’ll be what my mum and dad want.
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Post by James on Nov 22, 2014 14:24:43 GMT 10
A shit-awful week
I had a fucking awful feeling week this week. Fuck I felt rank. I couldn’t do anything. I felt so sick, as if I’d been poisoned by all the yuk they poured into me. I could hardly get out of bed, and when I did felt so tired, fading out every time I sat on the couch. I felt like I’d been repeatedly bashed, as if I should be black and blue all over. I asked Bob (my Indwelling Spirit) what it was all about and he said it was ‘Psychic Bashing’, which then helped me focus more on the truth of that. And that’s exactly how I felt through so much of my early life, as if I was constantly being bashed up, but not physically, on inner emotional and mental levels. And that I exist in a semi-comatose punch-drunk state, so disconnected from myself and the reality I’m in. I feel so disturbed, right to the core of me, as if a huge crack splits me almost in half right the way to the very heart of my being. And it helped explain further why when I see little children getting yelled out and treated like shit in the street and supermarkets, with them being psychically attacked on all fronts by their mother or father, that I want to scream, run away, die, disappear into my clouded shocked head and pretend nothing is happening. ‘Put your mind on good things James, don’t let that mother of yours get to you. Take no notice of her, she’s so hurtful. I don’t think she ever thinks about what she’s saying.’
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Post by James on Nov 27, 2014 17:15:48 GMT 10
Love the symptom
We are to get rid of (by uncovering their truth) the cause of our problems, not just the symptom. We are to nurture the symptoms. You are right to have them, they are telling you something is not right within you, that in some way you are being untrue to yourself, not caring about yourself. And if you rid yourself of the problem and its symptoms you are being even more unloving by rejecting that part of you, disrespecting your feelings - disrespecting yourself. We should thank our symptoms very much, being very grateful for them to help us know we’re untrue. So we need to be nice and kind to ourselves, sympathising with ourselves for having our pain. We need to allow our problems to be the help they are, encouraging us and pointing out as to which direction we need to go deeper into ourselves so we can further understand ourselves - what caused us our problem.
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Post by James on Dec 4, 2014 21:51:37 GMT 10
They didn’t enjoy having me. I didn’t make their life happier. I don’t feel happy. Life doesn’t make me feel happy, nothing makes me feel happy. It’s all a bother, a chore; I am a bother and chore. They just wanted to have fun doing the things that made them feel good. I didn’t make them feel good. They didn’t love me. I don’t feel loved.
Okay so that’s how I feel, that’s the truth of me in these feelings. So, I’ll just love myself, I’ll say, ‘I love me, they didn’t, but I do’; and I’ll say: ‘God loves me, at least God does, yes God loves me so I can feel loved by God’. But that’s me trying to apply my mind to love myself and make myself feel loved. And it doesn’t work. It’s empty, hollow, there’s no love, I can’t do it.
Always more do I see the futility of trying to use my mind to be something other than I am. I feel bad, I feel unloved and very unhappy. I feel hated by them, and I hate myself as they hated me, and I hate being how I am - how I feel. But it is how I am, and so that’s my truth, and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s me, I am not another way. I can’t pretend I am. So I allow myself to keep feeling as I do, as bad as I do. And should those bad feelings ever go away, then and ONLY then will I stop feeling them. And I keep longing to see and understand why I feel so unloved and unhappy.
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Post by James on Dec 10, 2014 21:53:07 GMT 10
Increasingly I’m valuing talking about anything and everything with Marion whilst longing for the truth. I don’t long all the time but that is my overall desire - to understand the truth of all we talk about: what it means to me, why I am interested in it, why I want to talk about it. And looking back to my pre-healing days I can see how I just talked but didn’t want to know the truth, I didn’t want to know all about myself, so I missed out on so much. And by Marion and I wanting to uncover the truth of it all, we are then able to push past many of our barriers and blocks about not wanting to hurt the other person or be hurt, we just bring it all up and out, even if means saying bad things about each other, things we don’t like about each other, things that annoy us that the other does, things we hate about each other, or even outrightly hating the other person or oneself. It’s all dealt with in the same way, talking about it all to see where it leads. And it’s fascinating where it does go. It used to go always back into my early life but now it just goes all over the place broadening out covering all areas of life, though still ultimately tying in with my early life and revealing more to me about how it was for me back then.
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Post by James on Jan 11, 2015 22:14:26 GMT 10
Is there a specific feeling called no-love?
Is there a specific feeling we call feeling love? Or is feeling loved and feeling not loved a composite of all good and bad feelings respectively?
Today I feel the most no love or unloved I’ve felt. The most true to it. And what does it feel like? Mostly I feel very bad - but what does that feel like? I feel crushed, almost obliterated, ruined, fucked; I feel full of yuk, miserable, scared, angry, confused, frustrated, sad, powerless, pathetic, useless; despairing, distraught, desperate; despondent, down; nervous, anxious, terrified of worse bad feelings to come and of bad things happening to me. I feel rejected, unwanted, uncared about, and that no one cares what happens to me, I don’t matter, I’m a nothing thing. I feel so unloved, devoid of any good feelings, just very bad. These being all my usual yuk feelings I feel, the ones I’m the most familiar with as I keep feeling them as I’m plunged down into my evilness and no-love state.
And I’m realising that I’ve never actually just felt loved, so I can’t say what feeling loved feels like. I’ve felt good and what I thought was loved very occasionally and only for short periods, yet all my bad feelings weren’t too far away.
And so I used sex as something that made me momentarily feel good, something to take my mind off all my bad feelings, but something that couldn’t be sustained, so my relationships being mostly sex-based, failed. I don’t know how to properly reach out and connect with the other person, how to express myself into being, and feel good about that. I’m realising more so every day that that just never happened; I was stopped from being normally self- and feeling-expressive.
And lately my healing is taking me down into being able to feel/see, as I can’t specifically remember actual experiences, why I do all the small odd behavioural things I do. Such as: why just before I sit down opposite Marion I always look at her; why at that very moment do I bite my fingernail - and why that nail and not that other one; why I scratch myself the way I do and when I do. Why my hands go up trying to draw pictures to illustrate what I’m trying to say at certain times but not at others - why now at as I’m trying to say this thing. Why I walk the way I do, why I stand in that position at that moment, why I sit the way I do. Why I react that way I do in that situation with Marion when she is close to me. Why I have such a problem saying goodbye and hello at this time but not that time. Why I forgot that thing and remembered that other thing. Why I forget that thing this time but not next time and then forget it again the next time. Why I feel that bad feeling suddenly now and not at other times. Why I make that grunt noise when Marion tells me something when at other times I don’t. Why I don’t react to her as she feels I should that shows I’m not right in that moment - what’s going on in my mind, what am I feeling. Why I am the way I am in all that I do and say. And the truth is coming to me in all these little parts of myself, seeing how they’ve all come about during my forming, and all based on fear and not being loved. I am just moved into being the little person me when I felt these feelings that gave rise to my rejection and fear behaviour, as I’m doing and saying the thing now as an adult. So there is no time between the past little me and the now adult me. And I am seeing what I feel.
And further, the truth of myself is that: I don’t now how to be at all in life. I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to be in any situation, what work to do, nothing. Even to the point of not wanting to be here at all. They did it all, they controlled every aspect of me, right down to the nth degree, so my healing is showing me, and so none of how I am in life makes me feel good. I am always with them, always responding to them, never initiating and acting on my own inspiration and will. Even all my writing and talking with the spirits, my longing for the truth and wanting to be with the Mother and Father, all how I go about it I can see is all part of the same - being under my parents and grandparents control. And none of it was loving, of course, for how can being controlled be loving and make you feel good. However, I’ve blocked it all out, pretended I am the one in control. But my life has shown me I’m full of shit and really I don’t have a say at all about anything. I exist to be told what to do. I exist so they can gain power by having power over me. I don’t exist to do as I please. And most of what I’m told to do I don’t want to do. I resist in my pathetic way but still do it. I exist for them, not for myself. I don’t know what existing for myself is like - I’ve never done it.
I don’t love, I only feel unloved.
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Post by James on Mar 8, 2015 22:12:27 GMT 10
I was feeling too hot, I hope Marion turns off the heater, just as she walked over and turned it off. I said I was glad she’d turned it off as I’d just started sweating. Then having spoken I felt like heavy harsh liquid was being poured down over my head crushing into me. Then I knew it was what I felt when I was very young and when mum turned on me for speaking. She didn’t want to hear me, she wasn’t interested in what I said, she didn’t want me to bother her. Marion said there was nothing wrong with what I’d said, and that in fact she was pleased I did, it making her feel good that she’d turned the heater off when I wanted it off, just as she did, we being the same in our feelings.
It was the first time I felt an almost physical pressing down into me feeling resulting from mum saying I was bad in some way. I don’t remember her actual words but as I expressed all I felt I started to tremble, shocked, being so scared of her. She has so much power, she wanted to be the one whom everyone focused on, she wasn’t going to stand anyone else calling for her attention and taking the focus off her.
Later in the night as I was going to sleep deep repressed anger started surging up in me as I railed against her, her unlovingness, her coldness, feeling so left out of things by her. And I knew that how she treated me was the same as how I felt when I got the half-brick thrown in my face at Kindy. Mum was the continual brick in my face, this I have seem many times before, but last night I saw and felt it the clearest.
Marion and I are going over and over or core issues, each time seeing it all that more personally, like we are undoing every tiny circuit that comprises us, seeing it for what it is, how wrong it is, how hurt we were, how much pain we’ve been in, how wrong we’ve been because of being treated wrongly to start with. We are made up of what seems to be an almost infinite number of light circuits, each one comprising part of a belief and behaviour, all of which are wrong and have to be addressed. Slowly our self-awareness and self-perceptions are growing as we can look more truly at the unloving state we live in.
And as Marion was saying today, we have to live our way through our healing, living through each little part that we’re made of, pulling it all apart, putting it back together. And it is painstakingly slow because time and experience in just ordinarily every day life needs to be lived giving rise to the feelings we need for us to heal. And that if we were somehow to magically receive a miraculous healing, what would be the use of that as we’d not actually live through the necessary changes we needed to make, all of that being denied us.
Mother and Father, please show me the truth of every part of me that’s wrong, every part of me that’s unloving, every part of me that is not living true. Please show me through my feelings.
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Post by James on Mar 19, 2015 22:27:18 GMT 10
During my cold...
As I’m still feeling sick, today more so, Marion has been asking me more if I need help, if she can do... whatever it is that she thinks will ease the pressure and burden of my having to do what I do. And although I am feeling knackered and rather wretched, still I am not so bad that I need her extra help, so I keep having to tell her, no, I’m all right, I can still do it. And so much so that she starts to annoy me and I have to tell her to stop asking if I need help, that I will ask her when I need it, should I get that bad.
Over the years of our healing this has come up time and time again, her offering to help me and my rejecting her. She initially didn’t like feeling rejected, even accusing me of being unloving and unkind by not allowing her to show her love and kindness, me keeping her out of my life, rejecting her.
And over the years she has worked on how much her mother forced her to help and care for others. As soon as they felt bad, sick or weak, she had to step in and make up for what they were unable to do; as if, had they had one of their legs cut off, she had be their other leg. She had to sacrifice herself, give herself away, put herself aside, stop being and doing as she pleased, all to help and give all of herself, her whole being, to the other person. And she came to realise she hated doing this.
And then tonight as I was saying I felt sick again and with her asking me if I needed her to wash the dishes and my rejecting her saying no I wasn’t that bad yet, she suddenly had the realisation of it all coming together and the truth that she didn’t and doesn’t actually want to help me, not at least in the ways she was made to believe she was meant to. And suddenly she felt that lovely feeling like the cord has been cut and she is free, free of yet another part of her bondage, bondage to the beliefs imposed on her by her parents.
Now she gleefully says, I’m not going to ask you if you need any help, you can tell me if you do. I am going to be as you have been over all these years, you don’t ask me if I need help, and as much as I said I wished you did, I’ve gradually come to value that you don’t, and now feel that’s how I want to be too.
So she no longer needs to be the Good Samaritan she was made to believe she should be. And so a great burden and pressure has been lifted from her, and I no longer have to tell her to stop trying to be so helpful when I don’t want it. So our relationship has needed all these healing years for us to finally be able to work closer to being true to ourselves and truer to each other, bringing us closer together no longer having to live under such unloving beliefs.
So once again the value of time is being shown to me, to us both in our relationship. Over the years we have gone this way and that, accusing each other of being unloving, uncaring and selfish, all to end up feeling good about how we truly are.
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Post by James on Mar 23, 2015 13:29:15 GMT 10
Hated by default
I’ve finally realised that mum and dad didn’t so much as personally hate me, and I don’t feel personally hated by them, but hated me by default. They hated their lives, they hated many things in them that didn’t make them feel good, including us children. We didn’t always make them feel bad, but when we did they objected not liking our behaviour and punished us accordingly. But all the way along the general understanding was, and it was said occasionally in words, that they loved us, which is what I believed. But now I can see that their so-called love is belied by their actions which for the most part weren’t loving, so making me feel hated by them but all without them or myself understanding this. We all preferred to live in the delusion of love yet all how we related to and treated each other, which I can now see clearly through my feelings having got all my mind I-am-loved rubbish out of the way, was unloving - hatred. So I understand I wasn’t hated outright as Marion was by her parents who made no secret of it, I was hated by default, all whilst my parents said they loved me. And all of which has caused me no end of confusion about whether or not I was loved, and what do I really feel, as opposed to what I believe I feel.
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Post by James on Mar 24, 2015 11:11:04 GMT 10
Being fully attended to
A great part of loving, feeling loved and being loving, so I’ve lately come to understand, involves feeling fully attended to: to feel the other person is attending to your needs, and that they are doing so without asking or demanding anything in return. I needed my parents to attend to all my needs and not just my obvious physical ones like making sure I had the proper clothes, a place to live, food to eat and the right school to go to. To attend to all my emotional, mental, physic - feeling and spiritual needs as well, most of which they completely neglected being ignorant of such needs, both in themselves and in me.
And the further Marion and I go in our healing the more we are able to attend to our own personal needs, which mostly consists of being able to freely express all we feel to each other. Our physical needs, although being important, are still minor when compared to simply feeling free to say whenever we like all we feel and want to say. And for the other person to allow us to, encourage us, even demand that we do, showing they are fully accepting of us and attending to all we’re saying and expressing to them. So we feel included in our lives together, a full integral part of our micro world we’re sharing. And then many things don’t need to be said, as would be if we were only friends that saw each other infrequently, with still all needs being fully attended to. And knowing also that if at any point one doesn’t feel the other is fully there giving the required attention then it can be asked for, and got, and given happily and not begrudgingly. And that in a fully loving feeling within oneself, all one did would naturally be all-attentive to oneself, the other person, nature, whomever and whatever was in your life. So again without one actually having to apply ones mind thinking, such as: I must do that for her, she will like that, that will help her... but one just doing such things from and with sincere loving and true feelings. Being naturally attentive.
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Post by James on Mar 25, 2015 22:05:56 GMT 10
I am not love; I am not loving; and I feel unloved.
Still after nearly seventeen (I think it is) healing years I am coming to terms with and accepting that I am not loving. I believed I was, it was how my family was, we all believed we were, and even though I can’t speak for the others, my healing has shown me repeatedly, I am not. But it’s one thing to come to the understanding of it because all the evidence of my behaviour with Marion shows us, and another for me to fully feel and so accept it within myself, to see it for myself through my own actions - to fully know the truth of it: that I don’t love. And further: that I can’t love. And that all I thought was loving, was not truly loving with and from true feelings, but all stuff I made up in my mind based on all that was told and shown to me through my early years.
So it’s taken a lot for me to be able to say to Marion with all my heart, because I know it’s true - I FEEL it, that I don’t love you. For us to say that to each other, and to talk freely and openly about this, now having expressed our way through all the bad feelings that would come up each time we arrived at seeing yet more of this truth about ourselves.
It’s been relatively easy to understand the theory: I have been conceived into a rebellious state, one that true-rejecting and so unloving, so therefore I too am untrue and unloving. So I don’t love. But it’s been very difficult to fully accept this truth. I am not a loving person. I don’t love. I wish I did, but I don’t. And I can’t, I have no idea how to go about it, the feelings of love are just not there. And if they were, then I’d naturally express them and be loving, as we don’t have to do anything to love other than express any true loving feelings we might have, but I don’t as yet have any. I am a complete product of my upbringing, and it was unloving.
And I no longer feel bad about it. I used to feel terribly bad, rejecting the truth of it, fighting Marion whenever it came up, however now slowly as I’ve come to accept and see this is the truth of myself, now having expressed all my pain, anger, frustration, sadness and misery about it, I am just it - the truth: I am unloving. I don’t love. I can’t love. I don’t know how to, as I don’t feel to.
And I know that I still have more accepting of not being loving to go, as I will right the way to end of my healing, with the end showing me that I have achieved full self-acceptance, the full outright admission and then acceptance of not being true and not being loving, the whole truth of my evilness.
And as much as I hate not being loving, still I feel much better each day I can accept and just get on being as I am, rather than trying to pretend I am loving. It took a huge amount of effort to maintain the beliefs associated with my believing I was loving. My whole existence hinged on it, and back at the beginning of my healing in no way could I have ever imagined that my spiritual path and truth progression would lead to the truth that I am not loving. It went against everything that I thought was spiritual and what being spiritual was all about.
I believed that as I became more spiritual naturally I’d become more loving as well. And as I longed for and received more of my Mother’s and Father’s Divine Love into my soul, as I felt Them love me, then that too would increase my love. But it hasn’t, nothing has. And all I’ve been left with is the truth of my wrongness - how unloving I am. So to truly grow spiritually out of such a truth-denying and unspiritual state, I have had to first embrace the whole truth of that unloving and untrue state. So this is now my truth, that which it’s always been right from my first moment of conception, but that which I wasn’t allowed to stay true to, and which I’ve wanted to cover up and hide from myself just as much as my parents did.
So in our negative states, the more spiritual we become through our healing the more unloving we become. Which is not really how it is, it really being that we just become as we’ve always been but have been refusing to see and accept. So we are waking up, taking off the blinkers, looking truly at ourselves and admitting what has always been there, right for the beginning. I am not love; I am not loving; and I feel unloved.
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Post by James on Mar 26, 2015 22:01:22 GMT 10
Remember how we were all so insane when we lived on Earth. Remember how we were so scared of death, doing all we could to stop ourselves from dying - mad, weren’t we! And remember all those idiotic beliefs and religious practices we believed were so necessary, all to keep you in God’s good books. Oh my god what a waste of time and energy, it all being so important, so we all thought. Our own mighty egos knowing all, knowing better than God, god how pathetic we were in our miserably little lives. And remember how unloving your childhood was... remember...
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Post by James on Mar 29, 2015 22:44:39 GMT 10
She is mum and Gran - so I believe and project onto her.
Marion says she hates most of the clothes I wear. She’s said it before and I don’t like most of them either, however there’s a limited range at the op shops for tall men. We both avoid buying new clothes if we can as they are so expensive. And how do I feel about her telling me she hates my clothes?
I’ve been through the range of my usual bad feelings over the years. I started out feeling unloved, unwanted and rejected by her, to feeling miserable about not being able to do anything about it, to angry that she goes on about it still, to now I don’t feel anything. And she needs to keep saying how much she hates my clothes and I need to keep wearing clothes she hates, it being what our relationship is.
We like certain aspects of each other, but a lot of parts we hate. She was saying she wished he had someone whom she loved everything about, their clothes, how they looked, all how they were, all they said, and that they loved everything about her. And yet she also says she needs me who she doesn’t love completely and isn’t completely loved by so she can keep bringing up all she hates, all the bad feelings she felt about her parents but could never say to them. If she did have the perfect person who loved her and she loved she’d not feel angry with them or hate anything about them and so would not be able to do her healing. (But then again, if she did have that perfect person them surely she’d not need to do any healing.)
And today it became even clearer to me how I don’t see Marion as herself at all. I realised that I don’t want to touch her, I don’t even really want to be near her, I don’t want to be with her at all; she was almost choking through a coughing fit and for the first time I felt I wanted her to die, I wished she would choke to death and I’d be free of her, that I didn’t care about her and her wellbeing, that I hated her so much I wished she’d choke, these being new feelings for me when up until now I’ve always wanted to try and help her, save her and fix her problems, wishing she didn’t have to suffer - that I could ‘make her all better’.
And as I was telling her how I now wished she would choke and I how much I hated her, hated being near her, didn’t want to touch her, didn’t want to have anything to do with her, it became all so clear how much I am projecting mum and Gran onto her. It was as if suddenly she’d vanished and in her place mum and Gran were sitting opposite me on the other couch. Her face and body merging into being them. And I hated them, more so than I already do.
And so once again I’ve been able to bring out and express more of my truth about what I feel about them, and really, as is always the case, it’s nothing about Marion herself, I don’t actually hate her and I don’t not want to touch her or be near her, it’s all them.
And again I felt my concept of what having a relationship is, shifting, to again understanding that I am having a very unusual relationship with Marion. She is so much mum and Gran for me that I feel demented trying to work out who’s who. Am I talking with her or them, am I married to my mother and grandmother or to Marion? And in so many ways I am married, or more like, chained, to them. They kept me bound to them not allowing me to complete my individualisation and so separate from them. I am so close to them still that in many ways I am them, and I loathe being them and still stuck to them. But I have to keep venting all these weird feelings I have for Marion, which are not really to do with her, all so I can keep getting closer to the truth of my relationship with mum and Gran.
My fantasy notion about meeting someone I love and living happily ever after has long gone. Now I am no longer trying to fit the relationship into some kind of acceptable pigeon hole or some other fantasy about loving and getting along well. Now it’s simply what it is, we’re together for the reasons of helping each other heal, so that means we need a certain amount of friction to keep stimulating our bad feelings. And as we accuse each other of not being loving and telling each other how much we hate certain things about each other, so we’re telling our parents all that we were never allowed to tell them, yet all we wished we could say.
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Post by James on Mar 30, 2015 22:13:16 GMT 10
I am not sympathetic, this being part of my not being loving. Sympathy wasn’t something given to me by my parents, so I don’t give it to myself or to Marion or anyone else. I don’t feel sorry for myself, so I don’t feel sorry for anyone else other than just a cursory superficial what-I’m-supposed-to-do and what’s-expected-of-me sorry. But I really don’t want the other person to tell me all their woes, and to be with them in sympathy. When I feel bad too much or again the same bad feelings, or when Marion does, I want to say shut up, I’ve had enough of that, I don’t want to know, all because there is nothing that can be done. If you can’t fix the problem then shut up and stop complaining about it. So there is no room within me for just allowing myself or the other person to go on forever expressing their bad feelings until they no longer feel bad. And we all need to be able to say how bad we feel and for the other person to accept us feeling bad and just sympathising with us, giving us the love we need in our suffering. All irrespective of whether or not the problem can be fixed. Our healing is to find the truth out about ourselves. And it’s not nice to be shown that you’re not loving in any way. However instead of feeling beaten up and hated for being the bad person because we are not loving (whilst of course focusing also on such feelings should you feel them), then we can accept that we’re not, focusing on any bad feelings we might feel about how being as we are makes us feel. Marion complains that I am not sympathetic when she’s feeling bad and she wishes she had someone in her life who was, and in this she is not saying she hates me and that I am a bad person for being how I am, she is just saying how she feels about how I make her feel. She still wants to be with me and likes other parts of me and how I am and understands that I can’t be any other way than I am, however she still needs to be able to express all she feels.
And I yell at her telling her to shut up because she’s always telling me how bad and what a yuk person I am. I don’t want to have to accept and face the truth that I’m not perfect, because that’s just more of mum yelling at me and accusing me of being bad. So I try to shut Marion up as if I’m able to now shut mum up, something I was never able to do, but something I feel I have more say and power in as my healing progresses. However it’s still all going about it the wrong way, still my trying to shut Marion up so she stops saying those words that make me feel bad, instead of my allowing myself to feel bad if that’s how I feel when she says them, understanding that now I have yet more of an opportunity to go into those bad feelings seeking the truth of why I feel them.
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Post by James on Mar 31, 2015 22:06:16 GMT 10
When are we truly free of our parents?
We’ve grown up in a world within the world, and through our healing we’re leaving our parents and family’s world, all by getting to know it, understanding our role in it and deciding whether or not we want to continue being part of it.
We can’t actually do what we believe we can do, and even for many people have done, that being, as we’ve grown up and become adults, left our parents, walked away, free to start our ‘real’ life.
We don’t and can’t do that, something we are to wake up to. For as we do awaken we see that all we are doing is projecting our parents world onto the new world we believe we’re creating for ourselves. So we’ve not become free of it, and we never will, not until we decide to do our healing.
And our healing consists of facing the truth of our first world, not doing things with our mind in the misguided belief that we’re moving (running) away from it. We have to take full responsibility for every bad feeling we’ve ever had, all since conception, and re-feel it if you like, feel it as we felt it back then, as we’ve always felt it, but this time around understand what it is we really are feeling. And why we are feeling it - the truth of our relationships in our first world.
So it all comes always back to our mother and father. Our healing being our standing up to face them and being able to say to them everything we couldn’t say from the beginning. To tell them in every instance when they didn’t love us, and how bad they were making us feel by not loving us. We have to be able to tell them about our pain and show them how they corrupted us, by first ourselves understanding our corruption.
So through our healing we see all the parts that we are through our feelings. And then periodically, and mostly in our anger, we rage at our parents. And whether they are there in person or not, they are still there with us and in our minds eye we see them, and we tell them just how it is for us - the truth, Our Truth, the truth of how they are making us feel.
And it doesn’t matter whether or not they understand all we say, it doesn’t even matter if they hear us or not, what is important is that we hear ourselves telling them how unloved we feel, every little part.
And it won’t be until we’ve brought to light every aspect and truth about our world with them, that we see it and feel it fully for what it is, and all how we feel about it and ourselves in it, that we’ll be able to truly set ourselves free of it, being finally able to move on.
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Post by James on Apr 1, 2015 22:03:59 GMT 10
... And then you go beyond hating your parents understanding they didn’t personally hold anything against you, they were just treating you unlovingly because that’s all they could do, and had you been a different child they’d have treated that child just the same.
And then you start to feel actually grateful that they did put such pressure on you, that they did prevent you from becoming like a ‘normal’ person because had they not, had you grown up being parented ‘normally’, then you’d still be non the wiser about your fucked up state.
So you start to feel pleased that you are as fucked up as you are and are doing your healing and uncovering the truth so you are no longer deluding yourself about your unloved state like most other people are. And you are happy to be working as hard as you can to end your falseness and self-delusion, again thanking your parents for enabling you to begin your healing now whilst still in flesh rather than going on blind in your evilness until your death, then to start to your healing sometime further down the track when you’re in spirit.
And that track might be a long one. However as that’s no longer your track, you are very pleased that at least you’re on your way out of your darkness and now it’s only a matter of time before you finish your healing and become true.
And then you go ever further realising that in fact your parents had no say in it, so really you’re not thankful to them one way or the other because it was all God’s doing. So you’re thankful to your Mother and Father for putting you through the hard times, for giving you the parents who were fucked enough to carry out the ‘good works’ fucking you up enough so you couldn’t make a ‘successful’ go in life, having to instead embrace your failings through your feelings.
And as every day passes and you know you are no longer that same horrible person you were, you’ve healed yourself a little bit more, you are pleased that it’s not a moment longer that you’ve had to wait, pleased you have stepped over the line and are now on your way to Paradise.
... And then all your misery, anger and pain is gone; and feeling good about yourself, so too can you even feel good about your ‘bad’ life, about your evilness, and about your parents and all your unloving relationships. All feeling good now because it’s actually the truth you are feeling - the truth that you are. And being true - feeling true, is a good feeling, it’s what makes you feel good.
... And then able to love - feel love, and be love.
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Post by James on Apr 5, 2015 22:04:48 GMT 10
Being accepted by another person.
Our actual healing is done when we are accepted by another person for being as we are, and in our cases, all the bad feelings we’re expressing. Because as they accept us, so we accept ourselves.
I did think that other people would need a ‘friend’ like Marion and I have in each other so as to do their healing, however from what you Sam, Wes, and what Desire said of her relationship with her husband, all we need is someone who is prepared to listen to us, accept us as we are, with all our bad feelings we’re wanting to express, they being the friend we need. The other person not having to be also doing their healing. So we don’t necessarily need a partner who is willingly working on themselves so as to be accepted, we just need the people in our lives who mean something to us to accept us as we strive to express all we feel, and who then as we do, feel better for our having expressed it.
And to have these people or a person in your life who likes you better the truer you are becoming is very important. They being the opposite of how our parents made us feel when we tried to express ourselves; they being our accepting ‘friend’ no matter who they are - a friend, partner, wife or husband, child, pet, nature, even the Mother and Father.
And as we’re accepted by another, as we express ourselves - express all we feel in the world, the universe, in Creation, and are not rejected, we feel we are right, good and true - loved, we are wanted and feel embolden to continue. We feel we are wanted and liked for being how we are, so we feel better and better about ourselves the more yuk we bring up and get rid of. And as we receive the positive accepting and unconditional feedback, so we want to keep going, feeling we’re on the right track; and best of all, not feeling scared of being rejected for being the bad yuk person we are. So we need to be fully accepted for being the vile evil unloving person we are - warts, perversions, and every horrible thing else.
And as we accept ourselves by being accepted by another, so we can in turn accept others more unconditionally. And I’ve found in myself, things I’ve hated in others are only things I’ve hated in myself, all because they were things hated in me by mum and dad. And as I’ve express such pain, and Marion has accepted me being the horrible unaccepting person I am, so I feel more liked and loved and wanted by her, thereby being able to be more self-accepting and self-loving, and then feeling that way about others and no longer hating those things I did.
So the practical demonstration of our expressing all we feel is one part of our healing, but our actual healing comes about when we are accepted for being as we feel, being accepted by our people or person, being then able to accept ourselves. I don’t think one can fully and truly accept oneself without the acceptance of another. I have believed I’ve not needed other people’s acceptance of me, and I have striven to be only self-accepting, yet still I am with Marion, still I want and need her to accept me. I am not meant to live alone, I don’t think any of us are, and wouldn’t be were we not untrue and fucked. Right from the very beginning we need another person who responds to us so we know that we are not them, that our actions are having an effect, that we are separate from them; and someone who shows us through all their feelings and actions that they love us, that they like us how we are, accepting us in every way. And if we don’t get all the right initial signals from those other people we’re dependant on, all how we are to be becomes screwed up in us, the effects of which we understand we’re all trying to heal.
If we could do it all alone and so without help from anyone else, without any other personality interaction, then we’d not have been created with a soul-mate. So we need the other person to keep being the mirror to ourselves. We need someone else to express ourselves to, and for them to express themselves back to us, for if that doesn’t happen then the amount of experience required by our souls to generate the necessary feelings for our truth growth cannot come about. We can only gain so much experience - and a limited amount of it at that - by ourselves, and it’s not a sufficient amount to keep our soul progressing. Certainly time alone, even if only whilst sleeping, is essential for ‘processing’ all that transpires when with another person; and even though such periods of self-absorption can be very comforting and even inspiring, still we need the personal interaction with one another to bring out those feelings that are driving our souls self-expression in life.
So if we feel one bad thing about being with our people, then we still have more to express and seek the truth of. And to keep bringing up all the bad stuff between and within ones more intimate relationships is where deeper healing will take place. And yes at times the relationships will be stressed and stretched to breaking point, but if such boundaries and barriers are not tested, then the deeper patterns and their controlling beliefs will not be penetrated and broken. And then having pushed deeper and the worst having passed yet again, to still feel accepted and even liked more for having brought all that yuk out, makes you feel even better about yourself and those who are accepting you.
We’ve all been greatly rejected, and now we all need to be just as greatly accepted. And as we were rejected so we rejected ourselves, and as we’re now accepted, so we accept ourselves. This being how we grow in true self-love, and not the mind-contrived stuff so many people talk about and try to attain.
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