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Post by samantha9 on Aug 2, 2014 8:22:07 GMT 10
I have taken a few days for my feeling about this dream, to turn from how amazing it was, to, But why?? I have been feeling a feeling of pointlessness because, at this time, I am not knowing why I am being shown these things except for the feelings they bring to me and they have also taken me back to a time in my childhood when I had an incredible feeling that I was being watched over and it made me feel so special that something so quiet was with me, at times I would have a feeling that I was meant to be someone special and my dream made me feel that but soon squashed by the feeling that it is all pointless as I don't know why I am having them, this may change as time goes on. To have such an amazing vision and then have it just leave you without reason is so frustrating like many times as a kid when something good would happen, then soon to be squashed by Mum and Dad, the frustration of them killing my good feelings made me feel such an Anger at the confusion of not being able to sustain the good feelings. What is the point of having anything good or feeling any magick to have it taken away by parents that want you to feel as bad as they do, projecting all of their rubbish onto me because their misery needs company. I wasn't allowed to question them or ask for a reason as to why I had to do their will, I would have to stop what ever I was doing, when they told me, and never allowed to ask why ! so I suppose it is the same with the dream and the frustration I have felt with not being able to know why and what is the point, yet more pointless feelings to find the truth of about how pointless I felt as a kid to experience anything good, anything that I wanted to do because at any moment I would have to stop. I have been shown something amazing that I don't understand and the question it brings up is, Why? What has it got to do with me? so I am working on these questions, asking to be shown more and finding the truth of how it all makes me feel which is special one minute, then crushed the next which is crippling for a child and I really can feel that, the confusion of being loved one minute then Unloved the next. I am experiencing a feeling of emptiness and unfulfillment because of the unanswered questions as to the reason for the dreams, this is a very familiar feeling showing me the fear I had in not being able to ask questions, to ask Why! to question my parents, it was never an option. I feel the real high and then the real low of this dream as I want to know more and I know it is for me to find the answers through my feelings and what truth they reveal, so that is where I am going for my answers, it is all within me. I didn't have any bad experiences with nausea or vertigo on waking, it was all so quick a return, it jolted me awake and I sat upright in amazement as to what I had just experienced. My return was a definite improvement.
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Post by wesley on Aug 2, 2014 12:38:17 GMT 10
Hi Samantha The way that you go through your dreams are very thoughtful. Inwardly I should say. And for me it's like taking a class in "The Truth about Dreams ". I follow every aspect what you are saying and feeling not leaving anything out.A good way to look and learn so much about ourselves and dreams. You give so much more to it. Which is very inspiring to read.
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Post by samantha9 on Aug 2, 2014 17:02:27 GMT 10
Thank you James, I am dreaming every night and remembering them so this tells me their are memories locked within me that are being retrieved by my soul for me to work on or I wouldn't remember them. I take my dreams very seriously as they bring up feelings for me about childhood memories that I may not have remembered but my sleep time shows me the stuff I cant access in my waking hours. I find it all such an amazing design how that can happen allowing me to get even deeper with my feelings and to feel the release is indescribable. Thank you for your words of encouragement james, you are all I have for that, and it helps me. I do read the posts from Desire and Wesley and they help me to as I write about how what they have written makes me feel every day, which of course helps me access so much more, I will interact more with them. Thanks James.
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Post by samantha9 on Aug 2, 2014 17:22:33 GMT 10
I feel I must explain what I have just written. I am going through feelings of when I was at home or school and always sat at the back of the class hoping not to be noticed and asked anything by the teacher in fear of humiliation because I didn't know the answer, I was always pretty much invisible at home and made to feel unseen so I lived my life like that, in the shadows of everyone else and those are the feelings I am dealing with at the moment with Desire and Wesley. They both write so incredibly well and I feel inferior of that so I am working on my unworthy feelings and my feelings of being inferior which I am so grateful to be feeling as I never really saw my unworthiness from this perspective before and it has made me go back to where I can actually feel myself being that scared child again at school feeling like the class dummy and all the pain of just wanting to withdraw and also from the perspective of being at home and hiding in the shadows where expressing my feelings were concerned because my wants and needs never got met, it was always mum and dad first, what they wanted and needed was all that was important. Because of my withdrawing I felt the incredible pain of being rejected so I am feeling all of these feelings even deeper and more painfully but all so welcome because those feelings of unworthiness, rejection, subservient have many aspects relating to every area of my life and everything that happens to me every day is bringing them up for me to feel the truth of completely. I have been in and out of feeling very pointless about anything I have to say to anyone as it never got me anywhere as a child because it was always about mum and dad and me doing their will. Thanks James Speak soon.
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Post by James on Aug 2, 2014 21:03:28 GMT 10
I understand Sam, as I'm sure Desire and Wes will too. I can relate to what you're feeling about being unworthy and wanting to hide away - yes Marion and I have been hiding for years now. And without my healing I'd sure not have been able to do anything like write, let alone feel brave enough - or mad enough? - put my stuff out there. And not wanting to sound like I'm telling you want to do - my patronising side, I'll quote Gran: 'You make sure you only do what you want to do Samantha'. And we will all understand.
As I've said before, Marion hardly remembers her dreams whereas I do, and often three of four each night. And have they helped me!, like you said about yours helping you. Most mornings Marion and I talk for at least two hours about my dreams and stuff that's come up for her during the night. This having now gone on for years. It's possibly the most enjoyable part of my healing as I able to more easily get in touch with feelings that have come up resulting from my dreams than feelings that try to surface during the day.
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Post by wesley on Aug 3, 2014 3:30:10 GMT 10
Hi Samantha this is Wes. But I am very much the same when you were young as in sitting in the back of the class and not wanting to be seen. I've been expressing as best I could but if it wasnt for many of your post that read I wouldn't have been so willing. I really didn't know I was doing that well so Thank you for telling me. I feel like the baby brother which is very good for me. That's why your Dreams felt like a class to me. I read everyone's post which is all my learning and so much help for me.
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Post by desire2bme on Aug 3, 2014 5:28:15 GMT 10
I was right in the midst of some of the feelings of not knowing how to handle what was going on with Sarah's end times...a VERY vulnerable place, when James and Sam were having their conversation about angels. There was something within that conversation that poured what felt like acid upon a naked wound that I was already feeling. And it was all perfect. Ugh! It was the picture of myself as the second to the youngest lost child who was never seen because of the spot-lighted always-will-be-the-baby-of -the-family younger sister. She was the family's comedic entertainment and provided the lightness our sick family was needing. Because I was closest in age to her and personality-wise her complete opposite, I lived with a LOT of jealousy that I swallowed and was always ashamed to admit. The whole angel conversation was a trigger for me that moved me into feeling just how much jealousy was knocking on the door for me to feel through. My sister spent her childhood with barbie dolls and stuffed animals in an imaginary world that zoomed her out away from what I couldn't find a way to escape...the shitty everyday experience of living in my home...unseen and unheard. How come she got to have that escape and not me? Why was it natural for her to simply sit down and go on magic carpet rides and find the family's attention and interest when she would tell about her adventures in la-la land and here I fucking sit in a corner in kindergarten not having a clue how to "play." Play...what the hell is that!!! Who can play when you never know when you are going to trip open a booby trap that is going to fucking blow you to shreds? There was no playing for me, no fun, no airy fairy shit to make things lighter for me. All I could do was hold onto the steering wheel of my nothing life with hands gripped to the wheel so much that even when I went to bed there was no relaxing from my fear of "what's gonna happen next?" The last night that Sarah was with us, she did not have it in her to jump off the bed to be able to use her litter box, so I woke up in the middle of the night and smelled her pee on the blankets. As I took in the smell, my memories of my wetting the bed for many years came to me and how much fear I lived in from day to day that was a part of that nocturnal habit. As much as I "played" the role of protector of my younger sister, I was living with a hatred towards her with all of my jealousy that I could not allow myself to admit because insuring she didn't have to feel how scared I did was more important than if she won the competition of the most loved child in the family. That pattern has followed me in my relationships with women. If I was ever around them, it was in playing the role of "helping" and "assisting" them which gave me a more superior and less vulnerable position with them so as not to feel the jealousy and envy that comes into the picture as we live as the equals we are (all my family sibling rivalry crap). For Sam to post here and bring what's going on with her into the forefront, anything that makes her "special"...the kinds of things she finds happening to her as she keeps on opening up to her own healing would trigger all of my packed tighter than sardines jealousy and hatreds I have tried to keep under wraps all of my life. THANK YOU SAM!!! As a result of feeling it come up and out, I am also feeling how very little length of time I can spend on the phone with my younger sister while she still lives in her fantasy and family clown role. We rarely connect and don't live near one another and so the news of Sarah's passing brought her the opportunity to call me to see how I was doing with it all. And it was really something for me to be on the other end of the phone feeling ALL of the recent crud that I had buried as her stream of words went on and on. Holy Mother of God...what a shit load it is. So thanks again for this forum and all it brings up as a gift as you, Sam have described how often what is written here becomes the fodder for you to take and use to keep working through your own crap. Seems the issues we have with each other...us women, have a lot of volcanic potential in them and I have feared a bit in posting at all about how in particular you Sam have helped bring up that really scary shit in me. BTW, why do guys like to see girls get in cat fights? Something tells me when women can get into it with women it eases the pain men have had to bear from us controlling terminator bitches and it would just feel good to see what gets dumped into their laps thrown back at another woman instead. Is there any truth in that guess of mine? I'm with you Wes, in loving the learning that Sam is having go on through her dreams...how she tells it and then how time passes and she finds things in it that she did not see initially taking her deeper into her repression work. It is so helpful and I am glad for any bits and pieces she shares fro her soul work on the forum. I also understand the work that needs to be done privately and not shared...there is something so pure that is going on that at times to take and put it down on paper for others to view, takes me out of what is needing to keep progressively happen. Other times when I write about something that is bubbling and brewing inside, the writing assists more to surface for me to see and feel and the connection given here aids in giving myself permission to KEEP GOING. Thanks for opening up this thread some more, Sam to help more of what I am needing to see and feel. James, Marion, Wes, Sam...it's true, the encouragement I find here with you, I receive no where else and the impact of your presence in my life as I welcome this process to continue is like having all the wealth in the world. Thank you.
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Post by samantha9 on Aug 10, 2014 5:52:13 GMT 10
Thank you Desire, Wesley and James so much for your response. Everything you all say helps me in so many ways. I am feeling like I have Spiritual Bi Polar at times, one day I am so incredibly high and feel so connected with all the answers for everyone that asks and the next I am a recluse, with nothing to say to anyone and I spend all my days in my inner world writing about every minute feeling I am experiencing. I thank My Mother and Father every day for the group we all have here at the forum, expressing my gratitude for you all being in my life and the support given. I love you all in my own Evil way of not yet knowing what love is but having brief glimpses of which I am grateful for, you all know what I mean. I have to tell you all that my last few weeks at my shop have been incredible and just like Mary said, I have been sent some amazing people that have tested me in my communication of healing and as Mary said, none of it has been to much for me. I have been so incredibly happy to express myself with ease and to help answer their questions to, the feeling has been just what I have needed to boost my confidence and I will admit that at times I have wondered where it has come from but my soul is bringing it all up from within me when I need it. I now understand why I have the shop and it has proved to be a means of an outlet for my expression of Feeling Healing and Divine Love and to pass it on to others that may show an interest, as soon as they ask me something the answer just pops up into my mind and I answer with ease, but this is on a good day of my Spiritual Bipolar ha ha. I now understand why I was offered a "Granary" to work from as it was a place to store seeds and grain and to change grain into flour as all of the old mill stones are still there, the meaning I have come up with is planting the seeds of transformation, seeds turning into grain and grain to flour and flour to bread to feed the people. I do feel like that could occur as when I speak I am planting seeds and I love that, feeding people with the seeds of transformation. When I put it all together the other day I had such a wow moment that it all seemed so perfect and Mary's guidance has been so right, please tell her James. After I have spoken to people I find that they have brought up many feelings within me that I have to reveal the truth of so I see how they have also been sent to help me heal, especially when they may disagree with something I am saying, that has been a major issue I am constantly working on as I feel the bad feelings rise within me very quickly so I have been dealing with my need to be right and not told I am wrong. I understand why they have been sent to me and I find that incredible and so loving of my True Parents to give me exactly what I need. It is constant working on my feelings the more I interact with people, so good. My shop has been a huge healing experience so far, as has the forum. I had concerns that the shop might take me away from the amount of time I needed to put into my feeling healing, which was most of the day, but I have found that I have been waking up at 4am so full of life and doing my healing at this time of day and no matter how I try I cannot not do it, I am excited to wake up and begin writing about my dreams and the healing they show me and any other feelings that come up and I often wake up with words in my head for me to work on which I have found amazing. I think, through the shop, and my interaction with others, I have accessed so much more and truly amazed myself at what I am capable of all helping me grow in self worth and confidence, exactly as Mary said I would.
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Post by wesley on Aug 10, 2014 20:04:56 GMT 10
Oh Yes Samantha. This forum is such an inner circle of joy and pain and love. I can't imagine all of us sitting at a table and joining hugs and tears. To much for me. I always imagine having sisters and that I could speak to. You, Marion, Desire are all given me something that my mom hid from me. There is no doubt that I'm feeling what feeling truly is. I came from nothing to why I am nothing. Never questioning it, not having any clue of what to or say about who I am. After a while I didn't know so being a man of sorts was it. But somehow I knew deep down all I wanted was a hug from all the pain. Been hurting for so long making life more intolerable. My evil needs to be adress to as well cause being instilled with so many terrible conditions all my life. I'm not quite to a year yet into my healing but wow I'm here. Carrying all tribulations bad ones yet having a chance to heal why walking on this world. I still wonder how I got here from where I came. Still I plug on feeling there is a chance I can't witness some in here healed.
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Post by James on Aug 10, 2014 22:34:42 GMT 10
Hi Sam. “I love you all in my own Evil way of not yet knowing what love is but having brief glimpses of which I am grateful for, you all know what I mean.” I do know what you mean, and I appreciate your being so honest to admit you don’t know what love is.
I don’t envy your Spiritual Bipolar; I love your feeding people with the seeds of transformation analogy; I do envy but I have found that I have been waking up at 4am so full of life. God I wake up like a slug coming out of a coma not wanting to have another day of it, feeling physically aching all over and all too often miserable and depressed, all helping me realise just how much I hated my young life. It’s one looooonnnnnnggggg waking up for me to the truth of myself in my early life with mum and dad. A little bit more each day.
I didn’t feel Mary pushing me to write this time. I could hear her saying: Good, it’s all very good, and thought that was all, which I’d pass onto you Sam in my own words, as I’ve just done. But then a little more came and a little more - all which I thoroughly enjoyed feeling as I wrote it because I’m still feeling to ease back on my wanting to write with them as often as I did. So it was good for me to feel again that it’s more them pushing me rather than my being always-eager. It all gives me new feelings and understanding about speaking with spirits and how this all works in me.
Mary: And there’s more to come my dear. It’s all very good. Nothing is going to interfere with what you are doing and will do Samantha - I want you to understand that too. It might not mean so much for you presently, but in time it will and you will understand. And all so long as you keep honouring your feelings fully, all your good and bad ones, whilst yearning to know their truth, then you’ll have nothing to worry about, it’s all as it’s meant to be. You are going to be led by your soul - by your Mother and Father into other areas of life, some of which you might at first find or think might be a bit daunting, but they won’t be; simply more people for you to meet so as to give rise to more feelings you can feel. The more you can willingly surrender and submit to your feelings the easier such things will become.
Each of you are to discover through your healing-lives, as you are striving to live true, how different life will be for you. As you already see, it’s already very different for each of you as to how you go about doing your healing - how it IS your life. And this is very important for you all to understand: There is no right way or one way for one to do ones healing. The principles to be lived and applied are the same, these you understand, but as to how ‘doing your healing in your life’ will be for each of you, that is very personal and intimate for you to discover, and ultimately treasure. It doesn’t include anyone else, it’s all only about yourselves, everyone else is to one day discover for themselves how their healing-life with be for them. It is, like all life, another part of the gift your Mother and Father is giving to you, which understandably you might not be so appreciative of when feeling so terribly bad, however it’s all a part of Their love for you.
Your angels are in close attendance with you Samantha all the time, and drawing ever closer. And that’s the same for each of you. Your angels Desire and Wesley are very close to you also. And although you may not be so aware of them, it’s actually a very important part of your healing, for they have a large role to play with each of you, and with everyone who does their healing, irrespective of whether or not you can actively sense or interact with them. And this is something new for you James to understand concerning Divine Love Spirituality: in fact a good part of your healing requires active angelic hands-on participation, it being something specifically and uniquely given to people and spirits who choose to embrace their healing with or without the Divine Love. And to go one step further: you cannot do your healing without their unseen help. You need their cooperation united and sanctioned by the Divine Minister for you to break down and move through your mind and will circuits; for the Spirits of Truth to then activate the truth-revealing processes within you. So for you all striving to live true to your feelings, your angelic pair are very close indeed. And some people will be drawn to work more personally with them, others it won’t matter if they never have any idea about their angelic support. And you can always express your gratitude to them, or simply include them in your prayers loving them, understanding they are with you and love you - but as always, simply do as you feel.
And when other people say they too feel their angels actively working with them, actively helping them in their healing or growing in truth or whatever, if such people are not specifically doing their healing as you are doing it, then it’s not true what they are saying, and if anything, it will simply be the mind spirits. Of course everyone has their angelic pair overseeing them and helping them advance their negative state as required by their soul, however once one officially crosses the line within themselves and conclusively decides to embrace their Feeling- or Soul-Healing, then a whole different relationship with their guardian angelic pair commences. One which from your angels point of view is all about helping their ‘person’ or ‘spirit’ grow in truth through their feelings ending their personal rebellion against the Truth, their own soul, Jesus and myself, and the Mother and Father. So technically it’s one of the biggest events in your eternal lives: taking the step to begin your healing. And it’s marked by many things, one of the biggest being that your angelic pair can actively start working for your good, helping you out of evil rather than having to work in a way against you, helping you progress further into your self- and feeling-denial, which is also, denial of them. They experience immense joy when their ‘ward’ - you who have been put under their care, decide to start living true to yourself and loving yourself truly through your feelings.
My love to you all - Mary M.
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Post by desire2bme on Aug 11, 2014 13:11:40 GMT 10
"As you already see, it’s already very different for each of you as to how you go about doing your healing - how it IS your life. And this is very important for you all to understand: There is no right way or one way for one to do ones healing. The principles to be lived and applied are the same, these you understand, but as to how ‘doing your healing in your life’ will be for each of you, that is very personal and intimate for you to discover, and ultimately treasure."
How it IS your life...I get this fleeting feeling of knowing this, it's like it flickers on and off. And when it's on, all feels so right and I feel a relief and a lightness and my life doesn't feel like a burden or toil. People, situations, gains, losses...as you say, everything is here to help keep on bringing it all up and so there's no need for me to worry about controlling the world in order for me to secure some false security anymore. Having self interest, asking myself how I feel, and what is the truth about this or that feeling - this is beginning to be my normal now and everything else flows out from this.
James, thanks so much for the encouragement and help of knowing of my own angels who so cherish my being in their care and watching over me as I choose to live this way. They are for me entities I know to exist who I choose to believe in no matter how little experience of actually feeling their relationship I will ever actually have. Thank you thank you my angels!
Sam, thanks for staying true to your own work, sharing how it goes for you...the highs and lows of it all. I am seeing this as James says, to really treasure the ways we all will personally unfold, appreciating the beauty of how we are all so different - so opposite of having to jockey for position in our original families or needing to compete for attention at all or having to worry that we are doing things the "right way". This is a rich place like you expressed so well Wes...and fuels my desire to do what, Marion? KEEP GOING!
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Post by James on Aug 11, 2014 19:46:55 GMT 10
“Having self interest, asking myself how I feel, and what is the truth about this or that feeling - this is beginning to be my normal now and everything else flows out from this.” Oh Desire, it makes me feel so good hearing you say this. As I’ve said before, I’ve wondered for so long if all Marion and I are doing is really just something we need only do (she more than me) for our own sanity, and it’s not about or for anyone else, even though all I’ve wanted to do is write about it all and put it out there as if it is for everyone else and everyone else will surely benefit. So seeing you are making it your life, which is obvious in your posts, makes me feel good about what I’ve always suspected - that other people, like yourself and Sam and Wes, will want to make it be their lives too, just as Marion and I want it to be. Which, also what I feel, is it’s simply how we’d all be if we were living true to ourselves - true to all our feelings. It wouldn’t be any big deal, and certainly not the great labour and struggle it is for us now, all because we were forced not to be this way. And life would be so different and so much more fulfilling and enjoyable. In that world, were I true and perfect, I might even be able to feel happy, loved and loving.
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Post by samantha9 on Aug 12, 2014 2:02:02 GMT 10
Thank You Mary and James for the message of encouragement and Desire and Wesley for adding to it all, it all lights me up inside and makes me feel very warm and comforted. I am so grateful for the support of the forum and the messages I have received from Mary and Verna, I read them so often when I need the support and they renew me and drive me forward. The messages and "The Prayer" for divine love strengthen me further as I build my relationship with my Mother and Father.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2014 2:32:13 GMT 10
I have just come back from a week in Pathos, Cyprus. A beautiful place but I was struck by an incredible feeling by Tuesday, that none of it means anything to me. I felt an emptiness that I had travelled 2.500 miles to feel, even deeper. On Tuesday I woke up with the beautiful sun beating through the window but it struck me that doing things that I used to do like holidays are no longer what they were. I had a deep pain that brought to light there is no place for me, I am not that person any more and all the things I would have once enjoyed from a holiday I no longer do, I no longer drink alcohol, I no longer drink tea and coffee, I am Vegan, I no longer buy things except food so I went all that way to feel that separation even deeper and I just cried and suddenly felt very alone in the world like it was just me standing alone and everything else completely separate from me, I no longer have anything in common with anyone on the planet and I felt the incredible isolation of that, there is no where for someone like me to go, no one to relate to, I am boring to all others who indulge in all this world has to offer. I realised how far I have come and moved away from the evilness of this world and I have to find my new way in it all, I felt like a lost child, completely lost no longer speaking the language of this planet I am in isolation. I just wanted to come home as it all was so pointless and I spent the time writing constantly about my feelings of pointlessness and why I feel I just don't see the point of anything anymore I feel just a infinite empty space within me and a hollowness, tiny me separated from the huge world and having to find a new way, a new creation but from what, where. It can only come from me and through my feelings and I looked up and saw the clouds and they were huge and so beautiful above me and as I watched them I began to see them creating more and more beautiful white clouds but they were all coming from themselves, and it hit me how incredible it was to see that, to be answered in that way, instantly my Mother and Father showing me how I can create from myself what I need, just as the cloud was demonstrating to me, creating more beauty and purity of itself, just amazing and exciting, it needing nothing just itself to create more. I feel that as I progress more and more with my healing I will be just like that cloud, able to create from myself just what I need.
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Post by James on Nov 2, 2014 16:43:46 GMT 10
Welcome back and welcome to the club I’d say Sam. Even though Marion and I live together and help each other do our healing, still we feel very alone, unloved, unwelcome, scared, like you - pointless, and that we don’t want to be here, and as we have to be, what are we going to do. The world holds nothing for us any longer, not even nature as much as I like being in it and seeing it. All we’ve got are our bad feelings. And as the Mother has been saying to me which I will post one of these days, that is what She and our Father want us to feel - the nothingness of evil, what feeling unloved and living in a no-love world feels like. All of what you are saying. And yes, I too hope that perhaps there might be some way to be like the cloud, but lately even that hope is fading off somewhat and I’m beginning to look upon the misery of myself and my life that it’s never going to change. How I’m feeling today I don’t think I could even manage the drive to the airport, let alone going through all the business of going away. I’m stuck here in my nothingness. Nowhere to run off to, nowhere to escape to, only me and my yuk feelings. Staying at home with my yuk self.
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Post by Sam M on Feb 14, 2015 19:16:41 GMT 10
Today is February the 14th here in the Y-UK (I call the UK YUK, just explaining the Y-UK), St Valentines Day. To me it is now "Divine Love Day" To all on the Forum, Happy Divine Love Day. xxx
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Post by James on Feb 14, 2015 22:20:26 GMT 10
We hate all those 'Days', we haven't done anything for them for years. We only acknowledge our birthdays, we don't do anything 'special' for them. We can't even remember when we got married. And were it easy to un-marry, we'd do that, only it does help being married with the dole.
Yesterday I brought Marion back a lovely purple shell from my walk along the beach. At first I didn't want to give it to her, I wanted it, but when she said how lovely it was, I gave it to her. I sort of half brought it back for her, and like so many things I do, I'm not really aware of all the feelings and reasons why I do them.
Then today I could feel how really I don't want to give her anything like that, I want to keep them all for myself because mum always took everything off me or made me give it away to my bother or sister, even if I did get them back eventually. I could feel the resentment in me, the hurt and anger at her not respecting me, just having all rights - so she believed - over me to do as she pleased. But then having expressed all that anger and pain, I could feel that I did want to give the shell to Marion, and that really was why I picked it up. I didn't want it for myself. But I wanted to be free to give it when I wanted to give it and because I felt all those nice feelings to give it, and not being made by someone else to give it, so feel bad giving it.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 15, 2015 8:20:52 GMT 10
I understand what you mean James, all of the days of celebrating our untrue relationships, untrue love on Valentines, untrue love on Mothers and Fathers Day and all the other days just celebrating our unloving relationships and then Christmas with our unloving relationship with Jesus, all mad.
And as you say about the shell and giving it to Marion, I gave everything away, even though I wanted it, I wanted others to have it more, I was told as a kid that I always had to offer to others first, it was polite to put others before myself, my parents demanded good manners before my happiness so they looked like they had brought us up as well mannered children and they looked like good parents. Everything I had I offered if one of my friends liked it as it had been drummed into me to be polite and offer it even if it made me unhappy. I learnt to buy the affections of others by giving them things and buying their love, I needed to get that feeling somehow and I learnt through offering to others first, even if I waned it, I received a good feeling from them but a deep bad feeling in me that said something here isn't right with this, I am unhappy at not being able to have what I want and always having to give it away when I want it, why cant I have it? aren't I deserving of it? why am I always having to sacrifice my needs and put others first? it never felt good but I began to gain a feeling that people liked me when I gave them what they wanted, I sacrificed myself and felt a constant unworthiness as was drummed into me from childhood that others are worth more than me so offer first, all so unloving, all in the name of obedient, well mannered children, haven't we done a good job as parents and patting themselves on the back because they have created 4 subservient children who will go through their lives never being as worthy as anyone else, so giving it all away so they can feel a tiny bit of false love.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 29, 2015 21:24:24 GMT 10
I feel so awkward and silly to be called a Woman. And it is humiliating to admit this. I just feel that I am not yet a woman, I am still that little girl that is still so mind controlled by her parents, how could I ever be thought of as a woman, a grown up. No that is not true of me, I am not yet a woman, a grown up, I feel a childish giggle when ever I am referred to as a woman, I am not free of them, my parents, I am still there little girl under their control not a woman free and true to herself and all she feels. This explains the anger I feel when ever I am called a woman, it isn't true, its a lie I am still a trapped child trying to be a free woman doing all she can to be free from them and become a Woman. The repressed child is still very much the truth of who I am at this time and growing up very slowly to one day become worthy of being called a woman who is true and free. I understand why I hated being called a woman because I am still that repressed child, healing her denied hurt and pain but expected by society to be a woman, its all such a façade, we are all still such little children trying to be grown ups but how can we ever be this when we are all just playing out our childhood hurt self in an adult body.
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Post by James on Mar 29, 2015 22:58:40 GMT 10
Humiliating is right, I can’t stand it, feeling so demented half the time because I feel more like a little fucked up boy than I do a man. My brain hurts me now every time I see myself as the little boy, I feel so miserable about it, and there’s nothing I can do - other than keep seeing the truth of it. And I feel so miserable and humiliated about that too, that everyone knows, they are all looking at me being a stupid boy, I squirm and sweat under their gaze shitting myself that they will hit me and tell me to fuck off they don’t want me around.
Everyday as Marion pulls me up on things and points out things that are wrong in me - mostly how I act and what I say, all because such things make her feel bad, instantly I feel I’m still the little boy carrying on not knowing what he’s doing, following the lead of my boyish father, laughing at nothing, and making Marion get angry with me.
More often than not Sam I think I’m more the boy than a man. I wonder what I’ve been doing with all my adult years, and who and what did I think I was - mature, ha! that’s a laugh. So I can relate to what you’re saying, and even though I can also see it in everyone else, that doesn’t console me because I’m still the damaged boy.
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Post by wesley on Mar 30, 2015 4:38:07 GMT 10
Hi Samantha. I like to ask you a question about becoming a Women. Would you say besides healing your repression which probably goes hand in hand what I'm about to say. Be able to commune with nature and kind live a more free life similar to anastasia. Or more of living a life similar to Mary M. Because these are the ones that come to mind when I think of truly being Women. I was just wondering.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 25, 2017 15:19:40 GMT 10
As the rise of the Avonal Female comes so does the rise of the Male Evilness on earth. As she grows ever stronger and closer to her Christed position on earth, the intensity of evilness grows. It came to me when I saw how Donald trump looked at his wife, I felt so much pain as he discredited her, belittled her and turned his back on her as if she were nothing. This is why he has been brought to power, because the Female Avonal is rising and he is beginning his reign of grooming upon the world to keep all women down, and men making sure there women stay that way. He is the perfect woman hating leader to keep the Avonal down and out of the way, they chose the right man for the job, as he comes into power women in all the capitals march to make a stand for their power but he laughs at their futile attempts. Donald Trump is there to make us feel our weakness, powerlessness, he is all of our Mum's and Dad's and what they made us feel like so in a weird way actually helping us to heal by feeling the way he makes us feel because that is the way our parents made us feel, its a global epidemic, the powerlessness of everyone is how our parents made us feel and he is there making us feel it all.
I feel it so strongly that he has been put there by assistance from the evil ones in spirit and their influences to keep the Avonals from having their say, as they rise so does he, pure evil against pure love.
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Post by James on Jan 26, 2017 22:10:38 GMT 10
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about these issues and topics you’ve mentioned here Sam. So thank you for giving me the opportunity of trying to put into words these thoughts. The main thing for me is you saying that the evil controlling spirits are doing this to thwart the Avonals, and it occurred to me the other day, as I too was thinking along those lines, that in fact it’s not true in that, sure the evil spirits are asserting their power and trying to do what they’ve done down through the ages, but as far as stopping or interfering with the influence of the Avonals, they have no power in that whatsoever. For me now it’s as if the Avonals are in a world of their own, they have a job to do and nothing will prevent them from doing it. They only thing that could stop or interfere with it, is themselves, which I’ve also thought a lot about; but really what would it take for them to stop, which would mean they’d rebel against themselves, something I can’t see happening, no matter how hard it was for them. So this then leads me to think that no matter how evil a world becomes, people are still to be able to one day free themselves from such troubles, and so the Avonals will be able to come to such worlds to show them the way - to open the gate so to speak. And if they Avonals failed, I don’t know if that’s possible, but if they did, then surely other ones would come and so at some point the evil would end on the technical level through the Avonals doing their Healing. But overall in what you are saying I agree that men are reasserting their role over women, keeping them in their place, keeping the power structures in play, all with the controlling ones wishing to bring their long term plans to fruition. Which is all about achieving complete dominance, so effectively bringing the Antichrist into being, the one who represents the Evil Spirits - Lucifer, Satan, Caligastia and Daligastia. So keeping women under their power, in keeping with the madness of how they see the Default, with Eve being the failure and Adam the great one who supported her. And more and more lately I’ve been tending to see this as all simply the evil playing itself out. And along side this, but not part of it, is the Avonal pair working on themselves not involved in any of it. And with the conflicting forces doing what they will, all battling it out trying to achieve dominance, the Avonal pair like everyone will be affected to some degree, but in no way will it interfere with or thwart what have they come to do. I’ve also thought about evil spirits possibly negative influencing the Avonals, and again my feelings are that, no, they’ve not been allowed, the Avonals are too important, the rest of humanity is dependent on them doing their thing. And evil is not important as such, it’s only a minuscule part in the whole, and the evil all stems from the Evil Ones who are local universal descending Sons and Daughters - Lanonandeks, who are much lower in soul truth than the Avonals. So the Avonals by their very Paradise origin are leagues above these Evil Spirits and so too any evil mortals who are following them. And because of that, their souls afford them, from a perspective of truth, protection. And unless like in Mary’s and Jesus’ case the Mother and Father have other things in mind for them, such as being them being denied and rejected by us, and so allowing humanity to treat them as badly as we treated Mary and Jesus, I can’t see that such an outcome for the Avonals would achieve anything positive unless of course the Mother and Father wanted them too be denied, sending humanity off down yet another black hole. Which might still happen, as anything is possible, however all I feel is by the Avonals coming it is to be the real beginning of the end of evil, so nothing like that will befall them. So the Avonals are not going to be kept down, they will do what they need to do with all the evilness playing out around them. And as to whether or not they will be directly involved in any of it, waits to be seen, but for the time being they are a secret, not included in prophecy, so not part of it. And this either means, like I’m saying they are sort of outside of it; or, they don’t even exist as in there is no Avonal Pair here and they are not needed for Mary’s and Jesus’ Spirits of Truth are enough. And if that’s the case, then the evil controlling parties will keep doing what they do, and those people who want to heal themselves will somehow find the truth to do so, and things might gradually change over the eons without the need for such an injection of truth which the Avonals would provide. And what you say about it all showing us the hopelessness of the parental power we’re all suffering under, that’s right, it is, and the more the world leaders make us feel that, the more they can help us look to our bad feelings for their truth, thereby helping us heal ourselves. It’s our only way out, through our own feelings. This is a prophecy guy I follow and he's been very accurate, and currently he's focusing on who is really behind the scenes controlling the shots and how Trump fits into it, he being possibly their head man.prophecyinthemaking.blogspot.com.au/?view=classic
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 27, 2017 5:49:22 GMT 10
Thanks for the link James, I will look at it. All you have said has helped me to understand more about how it will be for the Avonals and them sticking to their purpose no matter what. If I go to how I feel, nothing could deter me from my healing so the Avonals, being who they are, will stay true to their healing and purpose not being of any of the worlds evilness or letting it interfere with them and what they have come to do.
I woke up at 4am with the vision of Mr Trump being an 'Antichrist' like being, and the Avonals, all rising together, him in his evilness and the Avonals in their Love but with a distance between them, not touching but both growing in power. I got up and had to write about it. But I understand that he can do what he likes and the Avonals will have no part of it, just staying true to their purpose.
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Post by James on Jan 27, 2017 20:20:59 GMT 10
Yes, an interesting dream Sam, do you think it was because you were thinking along those lines or did it surprise you, more like you were being shown a vision? Or was it for you to feel more feelings to do with it? And what more did you feel? This is another site I follow. I’ve mentioned it too before, and I don’t know if there’s any truth in their information or how they say they get it, but it’s always thought provoking and nothing like anything else I read. whatdoesitmean.comI still have no feeling one way or the other about such things, just observing, and with most of what I read I can’t understand. For example, if there are the very secretive hidden rulers that are playing one controlling group off against the other, all to supposedly bring about the New World Order, why take so long about it, why not just do it. I don’t understand all the fluffing around over the years if they’ve got so much power and control. I am thoroughly enjoying Trump taking on the MSM, which I can’t bear, being now shown up time and time again for outright lying. And anyone who looks to them for their news I think is looking to be mislead. www.zerohedge.com is the only real news site I read each day, much more about finance and is full of Trumpites, but still the guy who writes many of the articles has a good sense of humour and open mind and is willing to look at anything. And as you say, it is fascinating to think that we might see the eruption of the wrongness, it all coming to a head very shortly, as horrifying as that might be; still I can’t see it being avoided, I think humanity will need to face the reality that it is in a very bad state to allow such things to happen. And then the Avonals on the other side, taking it upon themselves every aspect of the wrongness, healing their way through all the negative circuits, and not having anything to do with anyone because they are so fucked that they can’t, they weren’t allowed to when growing up, so all they can experience being fully alone, uncared about, unloved, feeling like they have such nothing, no-account lives. They being shut out from the mainstream was all because they were growing up, shut out from the mainstream within their own families. On a personal note, having heard the other day that mum died around my birthday last year, the next day, Wednesday, gee did I feel slaughtered. I was on the toilet, not that the whole world would be interested in that fact, however so many of these things seem to happen when you are in a vulnerable position and with your mind on something else; and anyway, as I was talking to Marion about mum, suddenly I felt a sharp pain low down in the back of my head on the left hand side, I’d never felt pains there before, and shit that was it, I felt like I’d been dealt a huge crushing blow. I was fucked, well and truly, and the pain when right through me, making me feel like that was it, it was all over, I’d never be able to do anything again, and I may as well just flush myself down the toilet. I felt so bad, beyond even being able to cry, and it was like mum had given me one last big one as her parting gesture. But then the more I expressed the terrible feelings, the more I knew this was how she made me feel so many times. I was in it again, as if I was back with her, as I’ve always been, but as I’ve covered up. Then going to the Bush Bank, I was still just able to function, and seeing yet again the unloving treatment of the plants, I felt like I’d been slammed again, just another brick in the face, utterly crushed again. So I kept away from everyone all day, and then yesterday I still felt crushed but not as bad and today I feel still fucked, but even more accepting of my fuckedness. And now I’m far more resigned to it, more accepting, not trying to fight against it pretending I’m okay; so this is it for me, it’s how it’s always been, so nothing good will ever happen, how can it! As soon as I feel a bit better, SLAM and down I go again, so I may as well stay down. I just wish I could and didn’t keep getting back up feeling better again only to be slammed again. It’s such a horrible pattern. So I sure don’t feel like life likes or is for me. I wish I could just hide away and be safe, no more smashes crushing me out of existence, but then that’s not how I’m going to heal myself. So I am allowing myself to feel as crushed as I can. We’ve both felt dreadful these past couple of days, but it’s all good the bad we feel, because it’s the truth of ourselves. And then on other side of things, I’m continuing to get good feedback about my books. More people are reading them and loving them and even understanding them and taking it all very seriously. They have all read the Padgett Messages and been involved with Nicholas and AJ so they have a good foundation with the Divine Love and were all feeling there was something missing. And it’s strange hearing the praise and these people talking about my stuff, when in many ways I feel my books are sort of old news, I’ve finished with them, I’ve moved on. So it’s been good, with many more good and bad feelings, becoming focused back on them, and even having to look back into some of my very first writing and trying to remember how it all came about. I would love to hear if you have anymore such dreams Sam.
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