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Post by samantha9 on Oct 6, 2018 19:52:34 GMT 10
please mummy and daddy can I have it, I really want it, please can you buy it for me, I love it so much , I want it so much, I love it. Inside me I can feel the little me having such a powerful longing for the things I couldn't have as a child. God that longing is still so alive in me today as I allow myself the things I couldn't have as a child, I have noticed that I am saying yes to myself where my parents said no. I am feeling today, the power of how being denied by them feels as I long for Gods love and don't get it. It feels devastating. I mean like a ripping inside of me, such a strong longing that it feels like I am going to die if I don't get what I want or need, it is so powerful.
Please, please, please let me have it, I want it so much, its not fair to not let me have it, I feel like I cant live without it I need it and want it so much. Why wont you let me have it, why are you saying no to me I want to scream at you how much I hate you for not letting me have what I want, I hate you so much, I hate you both. You don't care about me, you hate me, you only care about yourselves and what you need and want. I am nothing to you, I don't even exist to you, I am of no importance to you, I am just something you drag along with you and cant get rid of. You hate me and I hate you. Everything I want, you deny me because it doesn't mean anything to you but to me it means the world. I have to go without always and now I don't even believe I deserve anything, My wants and needs are not to be taken seriously, I don't really want them or need them. This is what you have done to me because you denied me all the time. I am of no importance, I don't need or want anything and it isn't important if I do, so I can reject it all as just being me being silly, I don't really want it.
Earlier today I was in a real childlike tantrum begging and pleading with my parents to please get me what I want, I needed it so much. I was very rarely taken seriously and they couldn't afford it anyway, they never had any money for anything so anything I needed was not essential, only food in essential, not my childish wants and needs. This has led me to deny myself constantly and only buy food and make food my most important buy because without it I feel like I will die because that is how they made me feel. Anything other than food can be ignored because we have to live. You don't need toys, you don't need things, you don't need God you only need food to survive. I even get huge sugar drops in my body that make me feel like I am going to die because I believe I need food to live, food is the be all and end all in my life. I get the sugar drops in my blood and I have to eat something to make me feel better, they have done that to me, they have made me so scared of not having or being able to get to food that my life revolves around me being safe if I have food and the money to buy food and if I have no money I will die because I cant eat.
I don't really know where I am going with this but my feelings are leading me in whatever direction they take me and I know I have gone off track but I am being guided by my feelings. My tantrums of not getting what I wanted as a child were not important, only food was important and that is what they spent their money on and I am the same, that is all I spend my money on. I buy it, I cook it, I eat it and I shit it out, my whole life revolves around food because I believe I will die without it. Mum and dad made me feel I will die without it, it was more important than me and what I want. Food and money to buy food is more important than me. I come way down on the list so I am worth nothing just a burden because they had to feed me and have money to feed me. Now I value Money and food above myself and all else in life, I put me where they put me so I do all I can to earn money to buy food, the only thing I buy, nothing else is important. Their fears of not having enough money to buy food and we will die without it, are my fears now.
My pain is I was denied by them and food and money were put above me and now I put them above me. I felt so rejected and denied and desperately unloved and unseen, I didn't feel like I existed to them and was a burden and in the way, an expense. I was denied and I repressed all of my feelings about that unlovingness because I wasn't allowed to express it.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 7, 2018 18:23:03 GMT 10
07/10/2018
I woke up this morning with my finger up my nose. I remembered as a child I would pick my nose all the time when my parents weren't looking. I felt ashamed of doing it and was reminded today as when I realised what I was doing, I quickly pulled my finger out and felt bad so woke up straight away and have come to write about it while the feelings are still in me, which they always are and have been, all adding to my shame of disgusting habits.
I felt disgusted at myself, what the fuck am I doing, yuk stop it and I felt a quiet shame inside me. I could hear the words of my mum telling me to stop it, don't do it, its disgusting and slapping my hand away from my nose. My dad would joke around and tell me my nose or my finger would drop off or my finger would get stuck up there for ever if I did it again, oh and another one I have just remembered is I will pull my brains out. All terrible images but I liked it, I enjoyed doing it and I grew to be ashamed of myself for liking it so did it in private and made sure my parents never caught me doing it again. I wanted to do it for as long as I needed to do it but I was made to feel it was very bad and embarrassing for my parents if I did it so they made sure they made me feel terrible about myself doing it, and I did.
I can remember being caught by them a couple of times and feeling like I can never show my face again, shit I felt devastated that they had seen me do it and I didn't want to show my face. I can feel it all coming back to me that I have to be ashamed of all of my habits, farting, burping, picking my nose having to say excuse me or sorry or make a song and dance about myself for doing it when I should be able to just do it if I want to but it wasn't like that.
I, as my parents say, grew out of picking my nose, I had to the shame got to much and one day it just stopped, I felt to bad about doing it but this morning I woke up like it and all of these feelings have come back to me, the enjoyment of doing it, the comfort I got from it and then quickly followed by total shame, disgust and hiding it, doing it in private because it wasn't accepted because if I did it in public mum and dad would be embarrassed by me if anyone saw me do it so I had to stop.
I have a funny shaped nose and mum and dad always said its because I always had my finger up it all the time. What a thing to say. I feel very ashamed of it like I am a disgusting horrible embarrassing person and if anyone knew they would hate me, I wouldn't be accepted by anyone.
I couldn't do what I wanted, what wasn't accepted by my parents, I had to do what I wanted to do in private. I had to be how they wanted me to be, perfect without any dirty habits to put shame on my parents. I grew to feel bad about my wants and needs and feel bad about what I did with my own body like it was shameful and disgusting and I am a very bad girl so I wasn't allowed to show my vileness to mum and dad, they didn't want that part of me, it was not acceptable to have bad habits. I was a bad, dirty and disgusting girl, "yuk, stop it Sam, what are you doing, just stop it now and don't do it again". I felt awful about myself and hate myself for being so dirty. So much of me was not accepted, it had to die like huge chunks of me were bitten out and thrown away, discarded as being rotten, rejected and spat out and told to never come back. So many parts of me, missing that I am now recalling them to come back so I can accept them and love them as my parents couldn't.
I picked my nose, I needed to do it, it gave me something I was missing from them. Please Mother and Father help me to find the truth of why I had to do it, I really want to know, I feel sad for me, sorry for me that I was so rejected for it and I want to know the truth, I need you to help me please. I want to know more about myself and what made me do it and I need your help Mother and father. I felt so much comfort from doing it, like I was really being with myself allowing myself to do what I wanted, being loving to myself and if I wanted to pick my nose , there was no question about it, I could do it until I was stopped and it was a shock to find out it was not accepted, that part of me was not loved by mum and dad. There is a real sadness about it and about not feeling loved because I did it so I did it in private and it made me feel complete, I was loving myself by doing it because I wanted to and I wasn't denying myself my wants and needs like my parents were doing. I felt great satisfaction in doing it and such a loss when I was stopped and I needed that satisfaction because I was such an unsatisfied child who turned out to be such an unsatisfied adult, still that child. I felt power from doing it and such freedom to do it because I allowed myself to do it when my parents didn't. It was like "Oh they are gone now, or I am alone now so I can do it without their judgment". My will was to do it, their will was that I didn't and I had to do their will around them but when I was alone, I could do my will and that was the same for everything I wanted to do so I became secretive around them, I had to keep my will a secret. When I picked my nose I definitely felt a relief and a release that I was free to just do it. Oh my god that amazing feeling of being free to do what I want to do without them. I can remember my dad going to work in Algeria for six months at a time and the incredible feeling of freedom I felt when he went, it was sublime and then I remember the terrible feeling of my freedom coming to an end when he came home, mum changed when he was around, it all changed.
I couldn't do what I wanted with my own body, I wasn't allowed t pick my nose even though it was mine, it became there's. Nothing of me was mine when I was growing up with them, I was all theirs, I lost myself to them and had to do as they said until I was by myself and in private. Did I grow out of it like they said, I don't think it was that I feel I felt so disgusting about myself as I grew older the shame made me stop doing it, mum and dad were in my head and now I was them telling myself off for doing it, I was brainwashed by them to stop being me. They really taught me not to accept myself and that I was gross and shameful and disgusting and that is how I feel about myself today.
It gave me a good feeling to pick my nose, a satisfaction, something to look forward to, something good, it gave me a loving feeling that satisfied me as I feel more into why I did it and as I ask Mother and Father to help me find the truth of it all. Yes, I can feel it is all about love and filling the holes in me that were so unloved and unwanted. I got a good feeling out of doing it, I felt loved and a completeness for a very tiny time, something I didn't get from my parents. It was something that comforted me and made me feel good when it should of been my parents that did that for me but they couldn't, they didn't have it in them to do it so I had to find my own ways of feeling good and filling in the holes of empty unlovingness. I wanted to pick my nose so I did, I enjoyed it, I looked forward to it, it was my will to do it and my parents will for me not to. When I was doing my will I felt loved, like I was giving myself something, love and not starving myself of it by denying my will, my parents did that. I had to do it in private as I wasn't accepted by my parents and that is a great sadness in me, that part of me wasn't loved by them so I had to deny it so I could stay feeling some love from them or be rejected.
Picking my nose as a child is a part of me that I had to reject as being disgusting and bad, I had to let it go and it was a part of me and that makes me sad so I am going to stay with it and feel into it fully, all of the painful feelings I felt at being told I couldn't do it and had to stop. I want to bring that part of me back, accept it and retrieve it as it is a part of me that I lost, God I really want to bring it back and by feeling it all, I can do that, by accepting it and expressing it all I can find the truth of it and bring that part back to me. I want all of my lost parts back so I can be whole and complete, I want all of the disgusting bits of me, everyone of them because they are me all of my rejected parts floating out there in the universe feeling so rejected and unloved, I want them all back home.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 8, 2018 18:12:24 GMT 10
Every morning I wake up with a story running inside me, like something I have been finding the truth of in my sleep time and today it is how I felt about Christmas, Halloween and all of those occasions as a child. In my waking moments I had a story running of Me as an adult and Faye as a child being excited as Halloween was approaching. In my moments of waking she was going out with her dad and I was excited because while they were out I was going to Halloween the house, decorate it and make it all spooky, as I used to do with the children. It was really for me though.
I was made to look at how I felt about it all, the excitement of decorating the house for these occasions, especially Christmas. I loved it all so much, the magic of these times, setting the scene, making it all magickal. In my dream I couldn't wait for Faye to come home and be immersed in the fantasy with me, having the children gave me the opportunity to do these occasions how I wanted it done and how I would have loved it as a child, although my parents always did a great Christmas and made it a wonderful time for all of us, they loved it.
When I woke up this morning I felt a deep grief which was the greif that I really felt as a child because none of it was true or real, it was all made up and I continued that make believe with my children because I so wanted it still to be true but denying the truth. All of those occasions have to be created by us, we have to put up the decorations, buy the food and gifts, create the day but we cant maintain that magickal feeling, after the day, it is gone and that is because it is a lie, not true or real just more fantasies that we have to have to make us feel good. I can remember, as a child, the awful feeling of never wanting it to end and dreading the time after Christmas because the cold truth was there waiting for me as we stripped the house of Christmas. I wanted it to last for ever but it couldn't. In my dream I saw myself doing it all, being excited to create the occasion, to build the lie and be fully immersed in it, even making the lie bigger as I added my fantasy to it as I always went over the top because I wanted it to feel so real, it was the only time I could throw myself into my need and longing for magic in my life, I wanted it so much, I wanted the illusion to be real, all of those films you get at Halloween and Christmas, all of the magic they show, I wanted it all to be real even as an adult, I was still that child wanting it all to be real and last forever.
Since my healing all of those feelings have been shown to me and my dream show's me there is still some more to do, I feel so sad, even now writing this I feel a deep grief that none of it was true or real and it is the same grief as I felt as a child when these occasions were over and Christmas was put back in the Box until next year. More of my fantasies being brought to me to heal. As I sit hear I am feeling stronger the tearing away of the dream, the sadness of it not being real and how unfair it was and I just could have cried all year because it had gone so quickly, such a huge build up and then all gone. Like a lie that is being told to you all your life and then to be told its not real, what a huge come down I felt every year and every year we did the same, built it up all together all being in on the lie and letting it happen, then the come down on the other side of it as you clear it all up and put it away. Its the cold hard feeling of truth.
It all feels so unloving to do this to children, making them believe in these lies knowing they are lies and building up the fantasy in them year after year. That has just triggered another memory, when I was at school, and I also had a friend who was a Jehovah Witness. They didn't celebrate any occasions and the feeling in me was of deep anger at their parents for withholding this wonderful time from their children. The children who were of this faith had to be excluded from assemblies and school plays at festival times and I felt so sad for them, like they were so missing out on it all. But they had it right in some ways, not to celebrate it all and go along with the bullshit of it, they had their own religious reasons for not doing it but I was angry at their parents for doing this to their children, like they were bad people and I felt so sorry for those poor children missing out on all of the fun and magic of those times.
I don't do any of it any more, since my healing and at first I thought I would be ok with it but I was devastated at the loss of it all, a real grief that it is not real and I could no longer pretend it was, not because I had to but because I physically couldn't do it any more as the truth came to me about why I needed to do it, have those times and all of that fantasy in my life.
Shit the anger in me of it not being real, making me love it so much as a child and being totally in denial of what I was doing. I did feel bad about it as an adult, I knew it was a lie and I was making my children believe in the lie as I did, I wanted them to feel how I felt, I wanted to share that good feeling with them but it wasn't a real good feeling and it couldn't last as true good feelings do. All lies are shown up as pain and this was felt by me after these occasions, the pain of it not being truth and we're all doing it still, we all need it in our untrue lives to feel good and loved but it isn't good or love. Its bad and evil. I feel sad to let the false magic go, I feels sad it isn't real, it was a time I felt cared about and loved for a time until it was over and all of that has to be let go because it was all false and I know that. I felt that anyone that didn't celebrate these occasions didn't love their kids but it is the other way around, it isn't love its lies and building an anger in our children that we were lied to as the feel the come down of the lie when Christmas and Halloween is packed away after being created by our parents, its their creation, nothing real.
I want it out of my life, I want to feel the real magic of living in truth and love which needs no stories or tinsel to dress it up. Truth and Love needs nothing, it is a stripping away of all of these fantasies and it means stripping away my whole parent created fantasy life. None of its been real.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 8, 2018 18:50:57 GMT 10
I am feeling some real anger come up in me since I wrote my last post. I am so angry and hurt that it isn't real, fuck you two for lying to me and making me believe it was real, fuck you for making me want it so much all my life, fuck you both for making my life one big fantasy. I have never known what to believe, what is truth and what is a lie because I believed you and your fantasies. I believed in you both and then had to find out it was all a lie and my life has been fraught with not having any confidence because I was scared to believe in anything in case I made myself look stupid because it wasn't true and that has happened so many times. You just confused me, I could never discern truth and that makes for a very scary world and life. I have no idea what is true or not. I feel so vulnerable all the time, like I don't belong on this planet, like I am separate from all things because I don't know how to judge anything. I am fucked because I don't know truth, how can I live when I don't know truth. The only option I have is to live an untrue life of fantasy because that is how you taught me and I believed it. Now through my feelings I am learning it has all been the opposite and I feel angry. Shit I have lived a life as a child constantly feeling threatened and needing your protection because I have no love or truth to protect me and keep me safe. I feel like I have had to live in the shadows of life being scared of everything if I am seen because I am a vulnerable child still working her way through all of the fantasy that is called life.
In this fantasy there is nothing good, it is an evil place and I feel very scared all the time and in a state of confusion as to what I can believe and I always need others to tell me if its real or not, I cant trust anyone or anything because I couldn't trust you. No wonder I was so fucked and now I have fucked my children too. Oh my God I am so angry and pissed off with you both, with everyone. The worst thing for our children are their parents, there is nothing worse no matter how good you think you are, its all bullshit, you are all fucking your children with lies and fantasy. Shit I am so angry. What the fuck are we doing having children when we are still fucked up children our selves, how can we ever believe we can be a good parent, we cant, it isn't possible and we are ruining these new little souls.
There is no bigger crime in all the universe than what we are doing to our children and I know because of how I feel. I am so angry and when the anger is allowed and accepted all children will feel this way.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 8, 2018 22:59:01 GMT 10
My feelings are like a runaway train today so I am going with them. My earlier anger with my parents has now been aimed at God and how fucked off I am with them both, they are fucking useless to me and I hate them. I can only have the same relationship I have with God as I have with my parents and today I am so angry with them.
I feel like God is so far away from me today and it is like they don't even exist to me as I feel nothing from them, nothing and it makes me feel so angry and enraged with them. I don't want them near me, they are useless, I feel nothing from them, they are meant to love me but that is just words and mind stuff that I am meant to believe but bollocks to that, I want the truth and I can only get that by feeling them and their love, and there is nothing. So fuck them, they don't love me because I don't feel it.
It is exactly the same with my parents, I could never let them near me, never allow closeness from them or to let them love me when they might have wanted to with what they called love. No way, back off, I don't want you near me. I would step back, push them away and get angry with them trying to be close to me or show me any affection and they blame me for that, they say, even to this day that I never let them near me but I couldn't. I never felt them or their love for me and that wasn't my fault, I was a child who couldn't feel her parents love for her as a truth, it felt like a lie and I felt silly receiving it because I knew I was being duped, it was like a sick joke, like "I love you, oh not really, how silly you are Sam for believing us" I always felt silly letting them or anyone else near me, like I was being had over and that doesn't come from a place of love, it comes from a place of mistrust and not believing what is going on around you.
I have since gone on to have this feeling with all of my relationships, I couldn't trust anyone telling me they loved me and I cant believe it from God either, why should I believe it when I cant feel it. I couldn't feel my parents love for me so I cant feel Gods or any one else's love for me and until I feel it, its all bullshit and they can fuck off.
I feel ruined of ever feeling love in a true way or believing it exists, today that is how I feel, really angry and fucked of with it all and feeling fucked over in ever receiving Gods Divine Love because of how I couldn't receive my parents love, I didn't feel it was real or true. As a child and when I was growing up I didn't really care about it, of course they love me, they are my parents and they were pretty good parents on the surface of it, just like any other normal family but my healing has brought up the truth of it all and that relationship has now all changed and that love that I took for granted that I had, wasn't love at all, it was words with no feeling, I never felt it, I never felt the love I was supposed to have with them, from them and for them, it wasn't there. Now I cant feel love from anyone or give love to anyone and I so want to feel Gods Divine Love, I beg and plead but nothing and it has to be this way for me because that is how it was with mum and dad, I never felt it from them.
I feel so fucked over, so ruined, so like I have to miss out all the time, so like it will never happen to me, so like none of it is real, there is no Love for me, everyone else can receive it, just not me and I feel so missed out, left out, depraved in my soul, hollow and empty that I cant receive Love no matter how I beg for it. I just want to rage at God I am so angry and today I have raged at God and spoken it out of me, told god with words how much I hate them for being so unfair with me, Just give me what I want, but nothing. I am sick and tired of trying, longing to them and not getting anywhere. All parents are fuckers with no love to give, I hate them all. I never really asked my parents for anything because I was scared to, not because they would hit me but because I was scared of hearing "NO", it was to painful to feel that rejection from them and I am really feeling it now, big time and from God, "Can I have your Divine Love Please God, I long to you for it, please, just a tiny drop" and all I get is nothing just emptiness and it feels the same devastation as it did when I was a child not getting what I needed from my parents. I don't want to ask anymore because I know what the answer will be, "NO" just like it was when I was young. To feel that emptiness when nothing that you want or need is given to you, shit it kills inside but I got used to it and never asked them for anything so I didn't have to feel the pain of NO. I now want to stop asking God for their Divine Love, it doesn't get me anywhere, I don't feel it flowing into me and it devastates me to not have it. I don't feel like Love even exists.
I feel shut out of their lives, like I have to carry on my own life without them in it because I cant feel their love for me, God I want it so much but I have to get used to not having it, that is how it was for me, just getting on with it, living without what I really wanted and denying it mattered to me when really it crushed me and retarded me in all sorts of ways that I felt deformed inside, maybe not to look at but inside I was crippled. I am so amazed, that through my healing I am able to access all of these hidden feelings that were underneath all of my denial and repression of my childhood feelings. Writing this, I am just amazed at what comes up and I am so glad I am able to access it all by asking God to help me dig it all up. It all sounds so two faced me hating God and then begging them to help me heal, all so fucked up as I am. I cant do it without them though, I cant get to the depths and truth that I need to feel without them helping me and I know they have heard me because it all comes pouring out of me and I cant type fast enough, I really find it hard to keep up with the speed that my feelings are coming up in me. As soon as I ask God to help me my healing changes and it all comes out of me, it is truly amazing. I still just Yearn to feel Gods Divine Love, I don't feel as angry now as you can feel from my writing, it has changed as I am understanding more and realising why I cant yet feel it, it has to be this way for me to heal and feel the truth of how bad I felt without my parents love, feeling it in the way I needed to feel it. I do get it God, I see what you are doing with me and I do thank you for it, if I feel your love then I cant heal my pain of not feeling it from mum and dad, I would be to happy in the feelings of receiving your love and that was not how it was for me. You are being true with me and heling me to feel the truth as raw and as hard as it is. You cant give me love when that wasn't the truth for me, you would be lying to me and heling me to deny the truth further and you know I don't want that form you.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 8, 2018 23:17:49 GMT 10
After writing that I feel so sad inside the first feeling was to go and eat, to have something chocolaty and yummy and nice to make me feel good and loved again. That is what I do, go straight for the food to comfort myself, to comfort my feelings and give them love with chocolate or something nice so I don't have to feel bad and that is what mum did with me, always trying to make the pain go away by taking my mind of it, distracting me from my pain with food, a biscuit or something. She comforted me with food, sweets and crap like that because she didn't want or know how to do it herself, she couldn't comfort me properly, she didn't know how so I am doing to myself, what she did to me, using food to make it all better and distract me from my pain.
It is such a natural thing in me to go for the food, I am brainwashed and programmed like a robot to make the equation that Pain = Food, if I feel pain, go get food. As soon as I got up from writing just now, I wanted to head down into the biscuit tin and comfort myself and I could hear mum and see her giving me a biscuit or telling me to do something to make myself feel better and that is what I do. Fuck it I am eating because I don't want to feel. I am doing my mums will and shutting myself up by eating, by not feeling then she doesn't have to deal with the real issues. I am doing everything she says and not feeling, what the fuck!!!!!
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 9, 2018 19:43:28 GMT 10
I was writing to someone earlier but feeling that I couldn't express how I was feeling, the words just wouldn't come out and I couldn't write down how I was feeling, I couldn't put the feelings into words and I felt so frustrated and angry about it and this is something that I have been feeling a lot this week and thinking how awful and frustrating it must be for someone who cant talk, having all of those feelings and not being able to shout them out, being so locked into yourself not being able to express. I have had those feelings this week and felt very child like when feeling them.
A deep anger at not being understood, I would say something to Trevor and he wouldn't know what I am talking about and I would answer him in anger because I feel so fucked of because he doesn't understand me. What the fuck does he not understand, it sent me into a rage with him, I wanted to tear his head of for not understanding what I had just said to him. This has been happening for a few days now and when I see that look of not being understood, it sends me into a rage "What the fuck are you not understanding, am I taking another language or something" it really makes my blood boil. I want to go into a tantrum and scream and shout and stamp and beat up everything in sight with such fury at not being understood. There is no connection when I am not being understood, everything is lost and pointless without that connection when we are both understanding each other and it all flows and feels good. When I am not understood I feel like I am not being listened to, not taken seriously by the other person, they are not interested in me or what I have to say and every time I feel like this it takes me back to being a child and a baby.
When I feel this child like feeling I know I have to go back there, it is a sure sign telling me I feel like this because it happened and began in my childhood and someone might even say I am being childish, well Yes, I am because that is where these feelings come from, all denied and repressed feelings from being a denied child, I carry them all with me as an adult and I am still being that child now in everything I do and say, it all comes from a denied and repressed childhood feeling that is still in me looking for a voice, a way to be accepted and expressed.
When I feel into my anger at not being understood I can feel the child in me and when I ask for Mother and Fathers help in healing this I begin to get memories and pictures come into my mind and right now I am seeing myself as a baby crying and being put into my play pen, a cage made of wooden bars with toys thrown in. I don't want this, I want to look into my mums eyes and see that she understands me and what I need but I am being denied and pushed away and that is how it feels when I an not understood, I feel denied and pushed away, the connection is broken between us, the other person doesn't want to know and I really need them to understand me because they are being my parents right in that moment, they are not understanding me and I want to scream at them not to let this go because I need to get to the bottom of it with them so we can be connected again and I can feel that loving connection flow between us again. So many times that connection was broken with my parents and me and I don't think I ever felt it with my dad so mum was all I had to cling on to and when she denied me, I didn't even have her. No connection with anyone so I just sat there and screamed and cried until I was picked up again and that meant I was being cared for but really it was only to stop me making an annoying noise, it wasn't to comfort me but to make mum feel better again because she couldn't stand a screaming child so she picked me up to shut me up because she couldn't stand the noise. I can see it all and how it happened.
Earlier I couldn't express my self when I was trying to write to someone, the words just wouldn't come and I felt frustration that I wasn't going to be understood because I couldn't express myself to them about how I felt so I had to go into that and with Mother and Fathers help I have seen why, everything I wanted to know, all the answers about why I am the way I am and why I felt like that are all in me and Mother and Father will help me every time I ask them to and today, I feel so much better for being shown the baby me being denied and rejected instead of accepted and understood by mum. I can see how it all happened and how I was thought of as nothing that was important enough of needing to be understood and when I am not understood I don't feel important, it all comes from my childhood. I did the same with my children, kept them happy in a play pen with toys and other things to distract them from needing me and I can see the same fury in them when they are denied and rejected in every day life, its the same pain, its in our DNA, all of our pain is and it becomes disease if unfelt, unaccepted, unexpressed and unloved.
Every day there are new feelings which are really old ones, very old ones and today I am feeling the anger of being so denied and unwanted and the loss of connection and loss of love when I am not understood, when I cant string a line of words together to make myself understood and it makes me into a control freak because I must do all I can to make sure I am understood by everyone so I don't have to feel how bad it makes me feel when I am not understood, to feel that disconnection from my mother which makes me feel like I am going to die because the cord has been cut between us and there is nothing, I am just drifting of into space alone. Shit I can feel it now that awful feeling and look from someone who doesn't understand what I am saying, in that moment I have lost them forever, its a grief, a loss and it is so painful. That pain I carried from being a baby and grieving in my play pen about how I lost my mum and dads connection to me because the didn't understand my cries and made a decision not to understand by denying me and putting me in a play pen to shut me up. The pain I felt at the cord being cut at my birth, the first great disconnection to mum. It all makes me shudder and cry.
All of this from me not being able to write how I wanted to today and wanting to see why that was. I was feeling angry and frustrated that I couldn't write how I felt, the words just wouldn't come to me. Its amazing, just absolutely amazing to me, that when I involve Mother and Father in my healing, I get the answers and I feel the pain of those childhood feelings that have taken 51 years to surface but been in me all the time.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 10, 2018 1:53:41 GMT 10
Trevor called me an Arsehole. Today he was moaning about his dry rough skin and how he hated it and he wanted to buy some cream to fix it so I turned around and said to him your denying it by fixing it and trying to make it go away and he looked me straight in the face and said "Arsehole! I'm not denying it I just have rough skin" I was so shocked, he never talks to me like that, ever. I felt so awful and retracted in to myself instantly and then told him how horrible he is and how awful that felt to be called that and he said nothing. Memories came to me of being told off by dad and me feeling the same, devastated and mortified that he could be so cruel to me and unloving. When dad did it to me as a child I would do the same, sink into myself and disappear feeling so full of rage and hate for him, holding the biggest grudge for hours and never wanting to see him again. Dad or mum would come up and tell me to stop sulking, I can remember it so clearly now, and this just fuelled my rage at them that they had no idea how hurt I felt, how stupid and humiliated and de-powered I felt and I felt like that today, exactly the same.
Trevor isn't on the same healing path as I am, he has his own and I interfered with him by saying that and made him angry. I tried to have power over him by saying it all so arrogantly, I was trying to have power over my dad really and he shot me down just like dad would have and did, it was all the same and my feelings and pain were the same too. As soon as he said it to me I could feel me and my dad and how I had to submit to him all the time. I never would have answered him back as I did to Trevor telling him how horrible he is, God I could never have done that with dad.
Even now and its a few hours gone now, I still feel like Trevor is the biggest bastard ever, I hate him and I never want to see him again, all of my feelings inside are the same as when I was a child; and I feel like the little me hating my dad for hurting me so much and being so unloving to me, how could he!!
I need to brood on it, I need to sulk and hate him and call him all of the cunts under the sun because this is how I felt about dad, it is just the same. God I hate him so much, talking to me like that and giving me that serious look that I am scared of, he is just like dad and I fucking hate him for hurting me. I never want to come out of my room, I don't want to come down for dinner and sit at the table with him(dad). But I have to, I have to do what I am told but I don't want to. I will be told to stop sulking and to cheer up when all I want to do is cry and scream at him how much I hate him when he tells me off. He sits at the head of the table and no one is allowed to sit in his chair, like some fucking king of the world. I am so menial to him, I am nothing, just someone to exercise his power on, he could crush me under his shoe I am so nothing, he doesn't give a shit about hurting me and making me feel stupid, I cant even put a fork full of food in my mouth because it will mean he has won, I have done what he says, he is the king who can tell me what to do, even to eat when all I want to do is to sulk and brood over how much I hate him right now. I am not even allowed to do that, I have to eat my dinner when I am called to the table at 5.30 and I have to do it with a smile, I am not allowed to be pissed off or angry so I have to deny how I feel because he is in power and wont allow any on else to be pissed of or angry accept for him. I didn't even feel like I could sulk and be unhappy, what the fuck does he expect me to be like, pretend everything is hunky dory and I am so happy with being told of like some fucking robot, oh my god I am so angry.
I did try to have power over Trevor, I did interfere and it was none of my business what he wants to do he can continue to deny his feelings for ever if that is what he wants to do. It has been a great insight for me because of the feelings I felt when he called me an Arsehole and told me off. I wanted to have the power over him that I could never have with my dad, just to get one up on him so I could feel powerful for once and it backfired on me but in a good way because I got to feel very bad as I saw all the feelings were the same, they are still inside of me from my childhood and I actually felt like a child as I always do when I am healing through my feelings with Gods help, always.
I felt truly hurt and saddened when I got told of, like it has wounded me so deep inside my soul, I can still feel it now how bad it feels to be hurt by someone that you want and need to love you. Its such a shock to be hurt by them, it was like, I cant believe you are doing this to me, stop, please stop, cant you see how much you are hurting me, don't you care. the answer is NO, there was no care only power and control which they called parenting and they had to be obeyed.
I feel so grateful for the experience today, thank you Mother and Father. I have seen so much more about how it was for me as a child, I feel so much more aware of why I feel pain when anyone is horrible to me or when I see it on the street. It is because that pain is in me and it has to come out so these situations are brought to me so that I can feel my bad feelings because I want to, I pray to feel bad so I can heal myself some more. I want all of the events brought to me that God knows I need for me to heal.
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Post by Sam m on Oct 11, 2018 10:35:43 GMT 10
So fucking annoying, I am trying to get to sleep and a big moth is bouncing of the walls in my room. I lay her and watch it and feel the annoyance, which is really mild anger, in me build as I just know I will have to get it out. I can't just leave it in here and go to sleep, it's to annoying.
I don't want it touching me, flying into me when I am asleep so I have to get it out so I can have some peace. I want to just lay her first and feel my feelings about it.
I am cringing every time it gets near me, shit, dont touch me, dont fly into me, dont touch me, fuck it keeps getting close to me and it is do fast, where has it gone, now it's behind the bed. I can hear it's wings vibrating, I am picturing it flying up my nose, in my ears, into my mouth and it makes me shudder with fear. It is so fast as it keeps flying into me and I move about out of its way as it gets closer. I am scared of this creature touching me when I don't want it to, it is taking my will and scaring me when I want to be left in peace to go to sleep, oh fuck of for God's sake, please go out the window.
I hate the feeling of it on my skin, I don't want it landing on me and I can hear it on the light shade. So annoying. It is such interference, when I want to be left alone to sleep. I am angry that it won't let me rest, it is relentless as I bashes into the walls, then down on my duvet as I kick out at it, fuck of and leave me alone.
Please, I just want to go to sleep but it won't let me and I can't with it in here flying around me. I have to do some thing about it, I don't want it in here annoying me, it has me in it's grips, it has me scared of it so it knows I can't do anything to remove it because I don't want to go near it. I can't control it I have to let it do what it wants and annoy me, I have to let it win because I am scared of it. The moth is my dad and all men, I have to let them win all the time and have power over me just like what this moth is doing to me. I have to submit, it is the boss, it has all the power and that is why it is here with me now, making me feel all of this anger and annoyance at how pissed of I was with dad and his interference. His restrictions, his laws, his will over mine, his power, he could do anything, I had to repress my feelings and put up with it, he was the boss, the moth.
This little creature has the power over me, it has me scared of it and I can't touch it, love it or get close to it, I want to push it away from me so it doesn't touch me and scare me, dont come near me. Just the energy of it being near me freaks me out, it doesn't have to touch me just knowing it is somewhere in the house gives me a bad feeling, I want it out so I can feel free and breathe again and relax, stop being so tense and up tight because it is about and might scare me at any moment.
This moth is really making me feel feelings that I am finding hard to accept, the depths of fear I have for my dad and how him just being around scared me. He was a very protective father which he thought was him loving us and i thought that too but as my healing has progressed i am seeing just how much his control scared the fuck out of me and his need to be respected because he was so disrespected as a child by his father. Yes, this little moth is my dad and i am scared shitless of him and i dont want him near me or even in the house, his control is to much, he demands to much from me.
The moth has gone out th window and I feel so good now, I can relax dad has gone and I am free to do what I want, I can go to sleep in peace. The interference has ended as I released more of my fears about my dad.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 11, 2018 19:17:25 GMT 10
11/10/2018
I woke up this morning feeling still agitated about the Moth. Please Mother and Father help me find the truth of how I am feeling, why am I still agitated by this Moth in my room last night, Hel me find the truth.
What I expressed last night wasn't the end, I woke up feeling not satisfied, there was still roots in me stirring me up about this situation, it isn't over, I haven't got to the root of my feelings and I still feel agitated by it, like an unresolved feeling, very uneasy.
Help me Mother and Father please to find the root of this, I don't feel right about it.
I can feel that all of this agitation and anger is the pissed of feelings I felt as a child being constantly annoyed by my parents interference, they were like two Moths constantly bugging me, it was always in the back of my mind that I had to do what they wanted or be in trouble. Shit I am feeling really uneasy. This is the unease I felt as a child, it was always there and I now am aware of the constant unease I lived with but it had become a part of me, a part of my every day life and it just became normal for me to feel uneasy, anxious and supressing all of those feelings for all of this time. That Moth was annoying me how they annoyed me and I just wanted to be left alone to do what I wanted and inside me was a feeling that I wanted to catch that Moth and throw it out and I would have loved to do that with my parents when they annoyed me. How wonderful it would have been to be able to say to my parents " I am doing what I want to do, can you respect that and leave me alone to do it, when I need you I will find you". My daughter speaks to me like that and I love it, I feel so proud of her putting me in my place and telling me if I am interfering, she always comes to me when she needs me other than that I have learnt to butt out and its taken me doing my healing to be aware of what I am doing with my children. I don't want to be that Moth to them, annoying them and butting in and not respecting them and their privacy. I have been a typical Mother, just like mine was to me, its all I could be no matter how much I tried not to be but since my feeling healing and with Gods help I can see what I have done, I have had to let myself be it, be the pain and have them tell me and express to me how annoying I am being, I love them telling me, God I cant tell you how much I love being told I am being unloving and interfering, when they tell me I fill with so much joy as it helps me so much to see the truth of how I am being; and now, gradually, I am doing it so much less and I let them come to me and they are amazing, they have both grown in ways I never could have at their ages, I was to controlled.
They are both so much better off without me, just being there when and if they need me, it has released the pressure off of our relationships in a way I would have loved with my parents. They would have gone berserk if I had spoke to them the way my children speak to me and I don't mean they are rude, they are just being truthful and telling me they want boundaries, respect and I would have loved to have been able to express myself like that to my parents but it was not acceptable, it would have been insulant and rude and disrespectful of me to voice my feelings to my parents.
Mum and dad believed they were being the best parents they could be, they were being their parents to me and it was a time when children had to be seen and not heard, we had to obey the only Gods we were aware of, mum and dad, or feel their wrath. They demanded respect as they had to fear and respect their parents and called that loving parenting, teaching us children how to be respectful of others and obedient citizens. All BOLLOCKS!!!!! ALL FEAR, ALL WRONG, ALL UNLOVING and created scared and fucked up adults, such as me who have to undo it all.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 12, 2018 1:10:27 GMT 10
Recurring Acid Indigestion, its pissing me off. It burns up through my chest and up into my throat and it keeps coming back. It feels like I am burning up inside, like my oesophagus is on fire, like I have drunk neat acid. I keep expressing it and it isn't getting any better, every day now on top of everything else, I have this. I was so angry with it today I was hitting my own chest really hard and swearing at myself for it to fuck off. It makes my mouth taste like Iron, like if you set a match near me, I would breath fire, its awful and I cant swallow anything without it causing this reflux of acid, like it all wants to come up and I would burn a hole through to the other side of the planet.
Everything in me is hot, acidy, vile stuff and it burns inside. All my angry hot emotions repressed inside me wanting to come up and as soon as they reach the top of my throat, down they go again, they just wont come out and have their say, so they burn me inside until I get all of this repressed shit out of me. Its like a well of hot moulton lava inside me and it tries to make its way out but cant do it. Its really hard to express this, I am finding it very difficult to express and I have tried and tried but it keeps coming back, burning me some more. I'm just not getting it. All my stomachs acid wants to come up. As it rises through me it burns so much but has no where to go, it wont settle, it is very disturbed and unsettled like me, it makes me angry that it keeps hurting me, oh help me Mother and Father please, help me feel the truth of this awful feeling.
Yes, that is it, it is my anger rising in me and then having no where to go, it cant come out of me, it has to stay inside burning me and hurting me because I cant speak it to my parents when I feel angry at them, it is not allowed. I am not allowing my own anger to have a voice, I keep pushing it back down because mum and dad wont allow it so I don't allow it in me either. Oh my god, what relief I just felt, I hade the hugest Burp and it felt so good, it released some of the pressure and pain. That felt so good to burp like that and get some of that acid gas out of me, Yes, I feel good.
Now I am seeing many memories come to me of when I was so angry with my parents and I had to suck it all up and not express it to them, muttering under my breath, screaming in my mind calling them all the cunts under the sun because they had angered me, taken my will in some way, oh and there's another burp, releasing more painful gas out of me and it feels so good to do that. Show me more Mother and Father please, I want more, I want it all out of me. I am actually seeing the inside of my own stomach, the heat of the acid and the red burnt walls, its disgusting, vile and its all inside me, all churned up as I was so many times as a child when I felt hard done by and not listened to, it made me boil inside and my stomach would tighten like I was getting ready for someone to punch it, I was taught with rage, boiling with anger and wanted to hiss my burning acid at them but couldn't, it had to stay in me and burn me, and hurt me, not them, they never knew.
Everything I eat and drink feels like it gets stuck in my chest and the burning begins, its like I am to full of acid for any food and it will only make it angry and flair up at me, I mustn't do anything to make it angry or I will feel it burn me so I get scared to eat, or the other way, I eat or drink to try to calm it instead of letting it have its say. I try to keep it quiet just as my parents did to me, not wanting too hear my pain and not knowing what to do with it. It burns so much and makes me feel awful all day and night, no rest up, there is always something wrong and before my healing I would have taken medicine to stop it so I didn't have to feel it, now I want to feel it and haven't taken even a pill in five years. I do it all through my feelings and letting them come up.
Oh God another big burp, so much relief, its like it releases the acidy gases. I feel all scorched inside, its horrible. I just want to puke it all up but I cant, it wont come, it is to scared to come out of me. it is like all of my feelings want to come out but they are scared to just come out with it all, I need to say how I feel, never repress it because it is causing this pain in me. All of my repressed emotions are boiling away, I want them out but I still feel like the child that cant express herself fully because she is scared of getting in trouble if she tells the truth of how she feels. I feel so useless, so like there is no hope for me and I will always be this scared child who cant tell her parents how she feels about them when they piss her off because I am not allowed to hurt them, but I can hurt myself, that they allow. Fuck them, fuck them, fuck them for making me this way, so fucking spineless that I let everyone crush me.
I just did the weirdest thing, I felt compelled to open my mouth and let out all of the air that is in me and hiss with anger and make these weird noises and I am going to do it again......................... WoW that feels so good to open my mouth fully, stick my tongue out and let it all out of me and keep ding it until I feel satisfied. It feels like all of the acidy gas from my stomach is leaving my body when I do it. It feels like anger coming out, now I am burping again and I feel sicky in my throat, its all disgusting and acidy as it comes up.
I am vile and disgusting and my vileness is coming up and out of me. Oh my God it is all changing now and as I just asked Mother and Father to help me again it is all how I feel about myself coming out of me, not so much what I thought it was, it is how I feel about myself. How much I hate myself and the acid is the substance of my self hate, the acidity of my self loathing feelings about myself. Mother and Father want me to feel the truth about how much I hate myself and this acidity is what it feels like as I breath it out of me is such vile and disgusting ways because as I was doing it I could feel the disgust coming out of me, It is ME and how I feel about me. I am vile, putrid, disgusting and my innards are rotten, Yes the acid is the self loathing feelings I have for myself. I have so many vile and disgusting ways of which I am ashamed of and that shame is all still inside me bubbling away and eating at me and never allowed to see the light of day, it is to shameful. I am ashamed of myself, I hate myself and I am so angry at myself for being so pathetic and unlovable and all of this shit has to come out of me.
All of that weird breathing has shifted so much in me, I am breathing out my putridness from childhood where I was made to feel ashamed of myself so I would attack myself with feelings of anger and hate towards myself as I internalised it all. My acid indigestion is all of it, all of the above and by expressing it like this I am feeling so much better as I become more aware of why I have it. Breathing it out in that angry way and expressing it with words has helped me get to the root cause of why I have it and I will keep on with it as I know there is more.
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Post by Sam m on Oct 12, 2018 7:39:19 GMT 10
Something happened to me today and it keeps coming back to me to feel deeper. I was pulling out of the supermarket carpal and this woman turned in but didn't indicate so I was stopped there waiting for her to pass but she turned in. I was do angry at her for not indicating but just leaving me hanging there waiting for her when I could have gone. What really got to me was she didn't even consider me Sat there waiting for her. I was screaming my nut off about her and it's great expressing in the car because I can really ho for it, scream as loud as i want, and I do.
She made me feel like I don't even exist and am not worth the consideration of her even indicating that she won't be going straight on but turning in. What a fucking bitch, I hated her do much the uncaring, selfish fucked. It is still in me how upset I felt. How completely disregarded I felt by her neglect of me waiting for her, like I didn't matter at all, like I wasn't even there. Oh that's great now my burning acid has started up again in my throat. For fuck sake it's all so hard, so painful. I can feel the anger in my throat, the rage I felt at this woman who completely denied me. Now I am talking about her I am burning in my throat again, it's the anger that is stuck in me and the hate of myself for being such a pathetic twat who can't express herself to someone who has upset her and now my parents are here in my head, the two who stunted my expression.
That woman was a fucking bitch for being so selfish and not e an considering me waiting for her, no look, no gesture, no thank you or sorry I forgot to indicate. Such deep pain at being so invisible to her, not being acknowledged at all. I felt like having a tantrum so I drove off screaming how unfair she was to me, how she neglected me and all the other feelings of pain that I wanted to hiss and spit at her in my spiteful rage.
It would have been fine if she had been considerate and indicated or even acknowledged me in some way. I would have felt ok about it because she cared about me, she considered me and that would have felt caring and loving to me and not brought up all of this pain. It had to be like this though because I have all of these feelings still in me bubbling away, they are all coming into my awareness to be healed and it is great.
I really want to empty this out of me, it feels really bad to be so unseen, unnoticed and I can feel the little me just being there, being unnoticed, just being. I want to be noticed, I want to be seen, I want yo be cared about, I want to be loved and be special to my parents. They say I am, but I don't feel it at all, I feel in the way, a pain, a nuicance and I feel like I have to stay out of the I way and be like I don't exist until they want me. This woman in the car made me feel that instant anger of being so rejected and unnoticed, it's a horrible feeling. My soul sinks out of existence when I felt it today and that was such a common feeling to me in my growing years.
I wanted to scream in that women's face "How dare you not indicate and just leave me waiting for you, you horrible selfish bastard. You totally disrespected me and showed me no care or love by not taking me into consideration when you turned that corner and didn't indicate. I hate you now, you have ruined our relationship because you don't care.". I wanted to get eye contact with her as she turned the corner so I could give her a look, to show how unhappy I was. If I could get eye contact with her I would feel like I existed again, I could regain some power over her but it didn't happen like that and I drove off shouting like a nutter and feeling unloved and de-powered, like I am a nothing and I wanted to be a something to her.
This event brought up so much more of how unloved I felt as a child, how invisible I felt and unworthy to my parents, shit I feel so lowly, like I should be walking around all hunched over unable to carry myself, I feel so nothing and that is why I have spent my life trying yo be something, so I don't have to feel the truth of how unloved I feel. If I felt loved I would not be feeling so bad and I would not be given all of these experiences to feel every minute of the day and night. I look forward to having them though because it means I can understand more of why I am the way I am.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 13, 2018 5:44:58 GMT 10
Another bad day today, IBS. Pain, wind, bloating and diarrhoea all day. I have been laid up most of the day on the couch because I am so weak which is how I feel after having diarrhoea, It wipes me out and I feel like I am going to collapse, today has been a really bad one. I have been sitting on the loo talking to Mother and Father about how scared I am of the pain and how I feel, like I am going to pass out. Its awful. I am in pain.
I am scared Mother and Father, please help me feel this I am so scared of the pain. I cant go out, I cant drive, I cant eat or drink and water makes it worse all I can do is do nothing and lay down and I feel like such a pathetic useless person. When I go out I cant eat in case it wants to come out of me and it is to embarrassing if I cant find a loo. Its not all the time just has its flair ups, good and bad days and today is bad. Mum has it and my sister has it and my nan had it so it is a family female thing and its not fair that now, I have it, so bloody unfair that I have to be like them, have their passed on denied and repressed emotions, in me that causes this bloody, shit, IBS. Why me?? Why this?? its do disgusting, I feel gross and disgusting about myself having this, I feel angry about it.
Its pure humiliation, that's what stops me going out when I get it, I don't want to be away from the loo on these bad days, which are not to often. I want to stay at home where I am safe, where I wont feel attacked and afraid because of how I am. I feel so safe at home, its a relief to be here when I am like this. If I need to go I don't have to feel fear of being out in public, I can just go, I don't have to hold it in.
Its coming to me now, words are forming in my mind that its all about me holding in my feelings, holding in all of the shit feelings which is causing me so much pain and when I let them out, the pain is gone, its the same with the IBS, its a retention of my feelings that is causing the IBS. If I don't get to the loo the pain is the same as when I don't get to let my feelings out, if I hold it in, it hurts so it all has to go and be flushed away, if you can see the parallels that I am trying to express.
Another picture is coming to me and I feel it is a supressed memory of me as a child not being able to find a toilet when I was out with mum and she told me to hold it in and It was hurting, I am seeing us in a shop and she is asking an assistant if we could use the loo. She is looking at me and saying to me to just hold on another minute, don't do it in my pants, just hold on. I feel this happened a few times when we were out and she got pissed of with me and I felt ashamed and embarrassed so I held it back and didn't tell her.
Well all of my pain has just gone and my bloatedness has gone down and I am feeling very good, amazingly good. There are so many feelings connected with this and I will diffuse this IBS feeling by feeling as it comes. Having those memories come to me like that was amazing, I could see it and remember it vaguely and I can remember it with my brothers too, needing the loo as a child and it being a pain for mum and dad if we were out or on a road journey and dad had to find a loo for us or pull over, its horrible feeling you are such a pain, you grow up not wanting to bother people, keeping all of your feelings in where they do the most damage.
I am completely out of pain now and I feel like I have become aware of one aspect connected to my IBS as I have been expressing it all day to Mother and Father telling them how afraid I am.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 13, 2018 19:15:31 GMT 10
More insights coming to me about my IBS problem. Asking Mother and Father to help me understand more about this debilitating problem and the pain it causes me. I suddenly had the thought that I am punishing myself, it is all part of my self hate. I eat something I believe I shouldn't, I am full of guilt whilst eating it and this internal dialog goes on telling myself off, "Sam, what are you doing to yourself, you are letting yourself down, you know you shouldn't be eating this, you bad girl, you naughty girl, you will put on weight and no one will want you or love you if you are fat, you will be hated and rejected and laughed at". It all goes on but I have to do it, I want it so much I cant do anything to stop myself so I eat it and love it and hate myself for being so weak, then I punish myself with all of these devastating feelings of self hate which is really my parents conversations going on at me and now I believe them and I do it to myself.
All of the guilt I feel about myself and the shame makes my body reject what I have just eaten, not always, but a lot of the time, when I enjoy what I am eating. I reject it and am on the loo pretty quickly with incredible pain which is the physical pain of my feelings, the guilt and shame and self hatred for making myself into someone that will be hated by putting on weight if I eat what I love.
Yes there is definitely a feeling of self hate and punishment when I go through bad bouts of IBS. Its like my mum telling me to "Put it down, leave it alone, its the last one and you cant have it, no more Sam you will get fat, where did that chocolate go? Sam did you eat it? don't be a pig, spit it out!!" all of those words go through my head when I eat, I punish myself the way I was punished they might have been in jest, or even said calmly but they entered me as terrible feelings and feeling guilty to eat sweet food like chocolate or cake so now I eat those foods, feel those bad feelings and then find myself on the loo as a punishment and having all of those pains.
I have been made to really hate myself and give myself a hard time for having anything that I want, not just food, anything I want feels bad to me, like I don't deserve it.
I feel good knowing more about different aspects of my IBS, different feelings connected to it that are gradually coming up. Its a great feeling to know these things about myself. It gives all of the pain and bad feelings, a point. They are not happening for nothing or just because, they are healing me when I ask Mother and Father to help me find the truth of them. They are GOOD nod bad.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 13, 2018 19:50:12 GMT 10
There is more, It is still coming through to me about my IBS. Mother and Father are still helping me with this and there is more they want me to see.
I have been punishing myself since I was 18 by being on and off of dieting to keep myself a regular size 12 and it has been hell all my life. I have feared putting on any weight and a couple of times my weight gained and it was like something mum and dad didn't talk about, they denied it because they didn't approve of it. I have been punishing myself all my life to please them, to be loved by them and accepted as their pretty and perfectly proportioned daughter and if I budge one inch from that ideal, I could feel the distain in them. Mum saying to me once, "Don't let yourself go Sam" like some sly warning to me that she cant love anyone over weight. I have struggled all my life to be perfect and acceptable size, men wont like me if I am not thin and sexy, I wont be accepted but rejected and I need them for validation so I stayed slim, so I would be wanted, I had to be wanted.
Its all such a fucking mess, all so huge to heal, there is so much to it all, so many aspects and connected feelings to whats going on. I cant accept myself if I am not slim and perfect in my parents eyes because if I am not perfect to them, I wont be perfect to anyone and I wont be wanted so I have spent a life time on diets to keep me perfect so I will be wanted by them and others. I have been punishing myself since I was 18 in the fear of not being accepted if I put on weight and it has been gruelling. It has been a state of full on self denial of what I want, I have been not letting myself eat what I want in fear of being rejected by everyone all because I was not loved unconditionally, my parents had conditions to their love, rules and parameters I had to live my life by if I wanted to be loved.
Anyone who is not doing their healing would probably not think anything of their parents telling them to "not let themselves go, don't put on weight, it ruins you" and all of that, but when you come to do your healing it all comes up, all of the pain those words caused but went denied. It made me feel unloved unless I was a certain way and I have lived my life like that, believing I have to be a certain way to be loved, I cant just be me.
I needed that food to feel some sort of good feeling, to replace the love I never really felt from them and I spent so many years eating something I loved then having to starve myself because of it, punishing myself because if I put on weight I would be rejected. So now my IBS is punishing me, I am punishing me for eating the foods I like. I feel guilty every time I eat, so my body is being my parents and telling me off for eating it. I am straight on the loo getting rid of it. I give myself such a hard time.
When the pain comes and I have to run to the loo, it all feels so unloving, so attacking, so punishing. Why me!! I cant do anything I want, I cant even keep the food I love inside me. Can I not have anything!!!!!!
More might come up today about this, I am constantly with Mother and Father, they are always with me and I want it this way so more may come to light for me as I get to the cause of this huge problem.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 14, 2018 2:07:30 GMT 10
I am feeling so good. I have had a whole day of being able to eat normally without any pain or having to quickly run to the loo. Its so good to feel good and be pain free. I haven't really had any big feelings to feel about since my last post and it has been all so full on. I FEEL GOOD.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 15, 2018 8:35:13 GMT 10
More pain. I go through phases of getting this really bad sinus pain and it is in the back of my nasal cavity and I know when it is coming because it always starts about 8pm and it feels like movement under my skin around my face, it is very strange. Then the pain begins very subtle at first but it moves all the time, in my jaws then in my cheek bones, then in my head and in my nose moving about in a circuit like electrical charges going off.
I have been sitting on my couch just allowing the pain to do what it wants with me, letting it be as painful as it wants and it is. I feel like my whole head is in a vice and it is being tightened a bit more as the night goes on and it is always at night, never during the day.
My whole face feels tight and taught and it cant relax because of the pain. As I wrote that the picture came instantly in my mind, I never could relax at home as a child, I was always taught with anxiety, never relaxed always on edge. I feel my whole head is a blockage and tensed up with fear. How bad is this pain going to get? I am scared of it but I have to let it do what I wants with me, it has control of me completely there is nothing I can do to stop it, just feel it. It has just moved to my cheekbones and as I relax all the muscles in my face the pain moves and I wait for the next point of pain. my face goes back into tension and the pain comes back to my forehead and behind my nose.
Oh God I wish it would leave me alone, I am so fucked of with it the only way it will leave me alone is if I go to sleep and I will wake up and the pain will have gone. I go to sleep to numb the pain because I am so scared of feeling it. It is like a toothache in my whole face, spontaneous explosions of nerves. I cant control it, it controls me. I am so fed up with the pain, one more pain to feel and ruin my life so I cant just relax, I have to do what it says. I am a slave to its pain.
It has just moved into my upper jaw and I feel like I need to bite down on something, like a teething ring to make the pain ease, I want to clench my teeth to releave it, it is just like I am teething and I have just seen myself crying as a baby because my teeth are coming through and mum has put me in my playpen and gone to get my teething ring, she is running it under the cold tap and giving it to me to shut my crying up. She has left me in the playpen and she is carrying on with what she was doing. I am still crying with the ring in my mouth. Mum is crying and holding her head in her hands screaming at me to shut up, I am giving her a headache, she is slapping her own face in anger and frustration at my noise, she doesn't know what to do with me and she screams at me again. I am in total shock at her scream. We are both crying, I want her to pick me up but she is in a bad way. It has just come to me that the shock I felt from her screaming at me are the shocks I keep feeling in my face, the explosions of pain I am feeling is her explosions at me as a baby. She was very depressed when I was a baby. I can see it all so vividly, I can see the room, the furniture, the magazines under the coffee table, the airer with the cloths on in the lounge in front of the heater and the awful wallpaper, it is like I am there again. Mum has neglected the place and she isn't very well.
I was shocked and traumatised by her anger at me and saw myself shake with the shock of her outburst. Yes, this is definitely the shocks I am feeling now in my face and from my sinuses. Watching mum hit herself in anger, hitting her face and grabbing her own skin on her face in rage and rocking backwards and forwards as she cries and looks at me in hopelessness. Poor mum, and with that another realisation has just hit me that I felt so much guilt with mum, that I have always had to try to make her feel good, because I made her feel bad when I was a baby, I am very guilty and I feel like I have to look after her and stop her being upset and make it all right. Wow, I have always felt that it was my job to make her feel good and now I can see why, if all I am seeing is correct and I am certain that it is, I ask Mother and Father to hep me see the truth and I get these visions of how it was for me.
My pain is actually going, I cant believe what a breakthrough I am having tonight. My pain and my sinuses have been all of my blocked feelings of guilt and the unexpressed shock of mums outbursts, it scared me and I thought I was to blame, shit I was devastated to see her like that, I was scared to watch her breakdown. It was just her and me and I didn't have her, she was in a worse condition that me, I didn't have her I only had me and I couldn't survive with just me, I needed to be looked after by her. Shit I am alone and I am scared, she isn't capable of looking after me, she cant even look after herself. I am going to die without her, I have to be quiet, be good so she stops crying and is happy again, then I will survive, she will look after me. I have to stop expressing my feelings to her and be good and strong for her so she can think I don't need her so much, I am ok on my own. I have to pretend I am a big girl and she doesn't need to worry about me, I must not be a burden to her any more then she will be there for me and I wont have to be scared of seeing her in this state again, it is to scary for me.
I have spent a life time pleasing her and looking after her and making sure she is ok, I have been the mother to her instead of her being there for me. Now I believe I have to be there for everyone except myself, I have to keep everyone happy so they don't feel pain which is so wrong of me, I am not letting them feel their pain because I couldn't let mum feel hers because she couldn't deal with it. I feel like everyone's pain is my fault and mine to fix so I have to control everything so it doesn't get out of control because mum was out of control and it was so overwhelming for me that I couldn't cope with it. I am so scared of the overwhelment of pain because of seeing mum in so much pain it overwhelmed me and now I cant cope when things get out of control like my face pain.
Sometimes when I heal feelings in myself it is such a fine line, I mean that I sometimes feel like it is such a fine line between remembering it all and not. When the cause comes up in me I forget the whole story of the pain I am healing and I have to re-read it to remember what I was going on about, it just slips out of my mind like I lose myself, that part of myself is lost and gone. I don't know if that is meant to happen but it does with me, I forget it all as the physical pain goes, it all goes out with it.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 15, 2018 23:28:02 GMT 10
I am so bored. I am stuck in this loop of doing the same shit everyday. I have even worn a dent in my couch where I am on it so much not feeling any need to move or do anything. If I do something, like my mind is nagging at me to, it would only be to avoid feeling how being bored feels.
It is completely silent in my house everyday and I do love that but I am very bored, I am not creating any more as I once did because I have discovered through my feelings, why I did those creative things and I now no longer want to do them, they weren't a true passion as I once thought they were, so now I am left with nothing to do. I would fill my life with doing things just to keep me from my feelings, to keep me in denial. Now I am left with nothing and I am bored.
How does being bored feel?
Like I am lost in an eternal nothingness, like it will always be this way and now I have just wrote that, that is exactly the feeling I had as a child and a teenager, that I wanted excitement all the time, I was always fed up and bored of being a no one, nothing special and not even noticed, I couldn't wait to leave home and become someone, I was so bored and so anxious to change it and leave home and get out of it, the same shit everyday, just like I am feeling today in my loop of repetitious boredom. It feels just like being back there at home and living in the confines of my parents rules. I am just sitting on the same couch that I sit on every day and wonder the same things "what shall I do?" just like when I was at home, but now I do nothing but feel.
I feel like I am shut away and no one even knows I am here, I don't exist to anyone, no one is wondering how I am, I don't get any phone calls or messages. It feels like I don't exist to anyone, I am in my nothingness and it feels eternal. It is raining outside and the traffic is going past going about their business, a busy life, one I used to be a part of, I felt alive to a certain extent, of use to someone but it was all to keep me from these feelings, that the truth is I feel like I don't exist and no one cares about me and if I died they wouldn't know for a few days. I am shut up in a box being insignificant.
There is a feeling of frustration rising in me as my future feels so bleak, I know what the next day is going to be, more of this and I will be expressing the same feelings to Mother and Father I can hardly be bothered to tell them about it any more as nothing changes and that has brought to me the vision of me telling my parents something and them not listening to me and I am feeling very neglected, very unspecial and not taken seriously. I am being ignored by them as I feel God is ignoring me. "Please Mother and Father hear me, I want this to change now, I have had enough of this constant boredom, of feeling so useless and having no point to my existence, there is obviously more truth for me to find about this so help me dig so deep to put an end to feeling so bored and useless and denied".
I can feel in me the need for excitement, something to look forward too, to break this monotony, my body craves it but there is nothing, its all just the same boring shit. There is nothing to do, no one to get dressed for, I might as well stay in my pyjamas every day as I don't go out hardly. Its all so pointless, no one is interested in me at all. Mum and dad weren't interested in me and life felt pointless so I had to go out and make a point so I felt worthy in this world, to prove to myself my life had a point, I worked hard at it and now it has all crumbled away and I am left with the very feelings I didn't want to feel, how boring, pointless, useless a person I am and it feels so unloving. I was made to feel all of these feelings by my parents and I didn't see the point of why I was there, a child, what was the point, what purpose did I serve to them, none. Why did they have me, I was just another hanger on, a pain and another expense. Why did they do it to themselves??
Now I am left with feeling the truth of how they made me feel as a child, even in the womb. I can feel all of their feelings, "I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW!!!!!!!" baby me in the womb says, "I can hear what you are saying about me", "I can feel your unspoken denied and repressed feelings you know and it is damaging me". "You can have a big kick for that mum and every time I feel a feeling from you that is bad I will kick you again". Mums feelings hurt me, I am in her womb and I feel upset and unwanted and unloved as she says how much she is scared about having me, I can feel her fears about money and how are they going to cope and now I have those very same fears in me and it came from me feeling how she felt in the womb, all so unloving, hardly a feeling of love or joy or wanting me just how is she going to cope. And they both wanting me to be a boy, what a let down when I can out!! I was a disappointment t them then as I am now, its all the same.
I am bored and fed up and feel totally unwanted, just as I felt in my mums womb.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 16, 2018 4:03:28 GMT 10
More self hatred coming up this afternoon as I was in the shop. I was walking round the shop and heard these high heels walking behind me and I looked around and it was this really beautiful woman. I instantly felt my soul sink as I looked at her and looked at me, it was like a super model and Forest Gump, I felt really bad and wished I was her.
I carried on getting what I needed and headed for the tills and there she was in all her perfection and I couldn't stop staring at her, looking at her in detail her shoes, her legs, her outfit so classy and her hair all perfect and she smelled so good of course. I wish I looked like that, I hate myself, so plain and uninteresting. Everyone was looking at her and then there was me, behind her, who had only got dressed because she had to get loo rolls.
I felt awful inside, like I was nothing, the dregs of life dragged out of the gutter compared to her. She was bright and shiny, I was dull and black with my packet of loo rolls. I felt so lowly, so insignificant, I could never be like her and inside me I felt so sad that I was me, so uninteresting, no one looking at me thinking WOW, she stole the show. I felt jealous of her and hated her for being so perfect looking, its not fair, I want the attention she was getting as I looked at every one looking at her, especially the men. I felt like dying inside with how unimportand and how unspecial I felt. I felt invisible and ignored not like her, knowing she had all of the attention of everyone because she was so perfect, fuck her and fuck God for creating me like this and not like her, I hate myself, I don't feel I can love any part of me, I used to love myself when I was fully made up with amazing red hair and all of that shit going on but now I don't want any of that, no make up, no perfectly styled and cut hair, its all gone for me now but in me is still the self hate that I once would have covered up, like her, with perfume and make up and great hair. I only did it all because I couldn't bare to be seen as I naturally am, now I couldn't do all of that and be false. I am being what I hate and it has been hard to give it all up but I wanted to. I want to be what I hate about myself so I can feel it fully and today, I sank deeper into my self hatred when I saw that beautiful woman.
I was standing behind her in the que and I felt like a piece of shit and I found myself beginning a fantasy story about who she is, what job she does, what her life is like, putting together this glamorous life she has. She was one of my Barbie dolls and I was playing with her and building her a house and a boyfriend and a car, it was all how I was as a child playing with my dolls and I was their voice role playing the perfect life for them, I was doing this with her, it took me right back to my childhood creating the perfect life I would want for myself as an adult, with my dolls. I felt sad that my childhood fantasy life never came true but the fantasy was still in me, still a wish that will never happen, its not real for me and I feel sad about my crushed dreams and fantasies. This woman looked as if she was living my fantasy life, I felt robbed.
I walked out of the shop and thought to my self "I bet she has a flash car" so I waited an watched a few cars go by me and then there she was, in her flash car, well, it has to be as perfect as she was, and it was. I walked on and went to get in my car feeling deflated at the reality of my life, how boring it was, how the truth of my life is crap and dark and shit and hers is all sparkly. Its all been such a struggle to undo my fantasy self and be the truth of how I am without all of that makeup and perfection. No one would ever look at me the way they looked at her and I feel so rejected and unloved, it was like she was the fantasy me and I got home and just felt like that part of me had died and I felt grief for the fantasy me. Shit it felt like a parallel life she(the fantasy me) was going one way in her posh car with her great life, and I was going the other, back to my silent house and Pj's, it felt like we had just split off and walked away from each other never to meet again.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 16, 2018 4:28:42 GMT 10
I feel so angry that I was made to be so uninteresting, without make up I am not very nice looking and at first when I stopped wearing it, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want anyone who knew me to see me, I was ashamed of myself. I never wear it now and it has become natural not to put it on and it is a relief to but I still feel the fear of being seen out without it. What if someone I know sees me, shit I will be hated, they will think I have really let myself go like mum does. Mum thinks I need it, she thinks I look so beautiful when I am fully made up but not when I am natural and we had this conversation once, I was hurt that she gave birth to me and doesn't think I, her own child, is perfect without make up. She doesn't love me as I am, she wants to make me into a perfect woman, like that woman in the shop today, that is who she would love me to be. Now I don't believe I am loved without makeup, I live a life without it all now and I have never felt so unloved, unnoticed, unattractive, unseen. I now hate myself as I am, the way she does, I am being her, to me. Feeling I have let myself go because that is what she said about me without makeup.
I am not her perfect child, I can be improved upon with false products to make me perfect and acceptable to her and the world. She is ashamed of me as I am, I am ashamed of me as I am and I am not to be seen. God I feel so rejected by her, by men, by the world, by myself, I am rebelling against myself and against what God created, "God, you fucked up with me".
I am in constant rebellion against myself and that makes me feel sad for me. I cant accept myself because my parents couldn't accept my natural self with nothing added. How can Gods creation be made any better with anything man has made.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 17, 2018 18:03:29 GMT 10
CHRISTMAS
I feel terrible, last night Faye and I had the Christmas conversation again, she loves it, and wants it. I don't!!!!!
Over the last few years Christmas has been dwindling off for me and I have let Faye put up a tree and do all the things she wants to but this year I don't want any of it, no tree, no dinner, no nothing. She always spends Christmas with her dads side of the family anyway and since he died they really make an effort for her so she is going to go to his families for the day with her boyfriend but still wants to wake up to the Christmas day she loved so much when she was a child, she cant let go of it and I am not asking her to but I don't want it, what do I do??
I have created this problem in her as I made such a huge thing of Christmas as she was growing up, I think its more a girl thing and as a Mother I have kept the fantasy going but since my healing it now means nothing to me but for Faye, that is a real loss, its like saying it has been alright for all of those years now I just want to drop it and I don't care about her feelings, well I do, I care very much but she is angry at me and I might have to let her walk away from me if she cant accept this. I feel fucking terrible.
I saw the crushed little girl in her as we talked about it, I was hurting her so much and I understand how she feels and want her to keep talking to me about it, its a part of the huge lie I have built in her and bit by bit it is all crumbling down for her as I want to live more truthfully but to watch the pain in her, its a killer. Every Christmas since I begun my healing, has been a little less and last year we spent it separated as she went to her dads sisters but I did buy her some gifts to open on Christmas morning and she put up the tree but this year is going to be nothing, it will just be another day for me, I don't want any of it and last night we had the conversation again and I told her I didn't want to be a part of it in any way and she said "not even any presents" and I told her, "no, why am I buying you presents Faye, think about it, why are we doing all of this every year, really think about it" she said "because we love each other, you gave birth to me, I wouldn't have known about Christmas if it wasn't for you borning me. I wouldn't have known about it." I went on to say that because I love her I want to end the lie, I don't want to be a part of the lie anymore but she still wants the lie I have put into her, she is now a hurt little girl although she is 19. All of her dreams have been crushed by me and the truth, I am the the creator of them. I feel awful inside, like I have mortally wounded her and I have.
There is also a grief in me about letting it go, although I really want to, the memories of our Christmases, which were always so good, makes me sad that it was all a lie being bought into like every other family. Why did we have to do it, why did we have to make up such a wonderful lie that as a child is the day of the year you look forward to the most and make all of those magical films about it which just build up the fantasy even more to it all being true. Kids watch them as I did, and believe they are real and I encouraged that in my children, I loved it all and now it seems so bad, like I have done such a bad thing to them in making them believe in it all, telling them that Santa Clause is real, taking them to visit Santa every year and tell him what they want. Oh my God what a lie to have to undo and of course my daughter is 19 and doesn't believe in all of that now but I set the scene and created the dreams and fantasy in her and she loves the time of year and now I am stripping it all away and can no longer feed the fantasy and it has hurt her that I have now totally cancelled Christmas.
This is something that everyone doing their healing will come up against, all of the lies we tell our children will come back to bite us, badly. We will have to pay the compensation of all we have done and bit by bit I am going through it all and it is fucking painful and it causes a rift in the family because I have said and done one thing with my children pre healing and now I am saying to them all of that was wrong, I was wrong and I am sorry and this is going to hurt you as I undo the mess I have made. My daughter told me I am shifting the goal posts all the time in her life, she is confused and doesn't know what is true or right anymore as I change and all I could tell her was to just take it that none of it was true or right, it is all wrong, everything I have done. Shit it is so tough as I undo it in me, they are watching me and getting confused and being hurt by me trying to turn it all around for myself and they going along with the changes and yelling at me at what the fuck am I now doing.
So now its set a horrible feeling in me, I feel fucking awful, like I have hurt her so much as I try to end another of my huge lies and we are both hurt by it as one should be when a lie comes to light and the game is up, it causes a rift when you finally tell the truth to your children because all I have taught them is to want and live the lie, the lie is right but now I am telling the another thing, the lie is wrong, I am wrong, very wrong and I am now not living it anymore and that is going to affect you both, my children. They are old enough to walk away from me, my son is with me on my healing, some of it he gets and as he grows he is getting closer to me on it all and liking it but my daughter is very rebellious towards me on some of my healing and Christmas is one thing she cant understand what I am doing, why I am ruining it all for her and she feels abandoned by me for doing it to her. She is angry and is so glad she has her other family on her dads side to go too, to continue her fantasy with but inside her, I am missing.
It is so much easier to stay in our untruth and let it all go by ticked boo and happy with no one to ruin it all like me, but this is how it is now with me. I cant do it, it is going against my self and how I feel. Christmas is not real, the fantasy, the religious concept behind it is no real or true and I no longer want to be a part of it, I don't want to contribute to it or feed it in my children. I want to stop lying to myself and to them and show them the truth of it, it is just another day and I wont be a part of the frenzy any longer. I am sure we will continue talking about this as it arises, I want her to tell me all of her pain about it and the sadness she feels, when she wants to.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 18, 2018 2:33:45 GMT 10
So many feelings to feel, so many events bringing me more feelings from my childhood, its chaos and this explosion of constant feelings is just how it was for me as a child, feeling after feeling, event after event making me feel bad, one on top of the other all to much, all to overwhelming for me to cope with, I cant cope and that is how I feel. Its to much Mother and Father its to fucking much, stop, just stop which is what I wanted to say to my parents but had to let all of the feelings layer on me one after the other, layers of unexpressed feelings all being repressed but now as they come I am expressing them where ever I am, in the shop, in the car, where ever. The more I have gone along in my healing the more aware I am of every moment, which is an opportunity to feel, there is always a feeling for me.
Today, as I was screaming and calling this person a cunt for not waiting but squeezing through when it was my right of way, I felt completely swamped by my feelings, so many one after the other and I realised what was going on, this is how it was, a collection of constant bad feelings that I was not aware of at the time, well I was aware that I felt bad but just let those feelings come in and be stored up without doing anything about them. Now, they come and I do something about them, feel them, accept them, express them and feel the truth of them.
Today I have been able to see deeper, feel deeper, the way I felt overwhelmed at the constant feelings, that as a child, it never stopped, just as it is today, I see how it was, I feel the overwhelment of even the slightest feeling that wouldn't mean anything really to anyone who is not doing their healing, I feel ultra sensitive like it is a sixth sense in me that every thing I do and every move I make is connected to a childhood feeling, its like I am growing into a hyper, ultra sensitive being with a super power of being able to feel. That sounds ridiculous, like I am saying I am some amazing person but I feel like I have been heightened to feel so much more lately and it getting easier to feel, only because I have Mother and Father helping me. Even by saying all of that I am being led to see how I wanted to be something so special, so magical as a child, such a fantasy from my childhood as I would run around pretending I was a fairy, or a princess with a magic wand making everything beautiful. Everything I do think feel and say is connected to my childhood repressed feelings.
Today has been a hyper sensitive day of feelings, understanding more about how everything is to bring up my denied and repressed childhood feelings. This is how it was for me as a child, constant denial and repression of my feelings and now they are constantly coming up for me to feel, the same way they went in. The entered me emotionally and they are coming out emotionally.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 18, 2018 6:15:41 GMT 10
I am sitting in the lounge on my couch and I am so bored, I really want something nice, I want something yummy. Shit I feel so discontent, so unsatisfied inside. I have such a strong yearning, longing for something nice in the way of food to make me feel contented, to quiet me and calm me, to satisfy me. The longing in me is so strong, I feel crazy with it, like I need it so much, it is all I can think about. If I don't have it then what else is there for me, nothing, eternal nothingness for me. There is nothing good to look forward to for me only nothingness and emptiness and I hate feeling this eternal emptiness, I need filling to take this away.
Fuck I feel so empty, I want something now!! I have to have it, something chocolaty to give me good feelings, I am going to get my dark chocolate, I have to have it. As I just went to the fridge to get it I felt so bad, so guilty, what the fuck am I doing, oh shit I am so confused, why do I need this so much, I am at the fridge with the door open and the chocolate is in reach, I've got it. I haven't eaten it yet but I have it. If I have it then I have ruined it all, I feel so bad so useless, I'm going to have it. I am eating it, it is so lovely, it makes me feel so good , so satisfied but oh no, I am feeling so bad too, so guilty, so useless as I allow myself to eat it, but I feel so naughty, so guilty as I eat more, I want the lot, I cant just have one small bit that doesn't fulfil me at all, I need lots of it to dull out my craving. As I eat it I feel remorse, so much anger and self hate at myself "you useless fucking bitch, you are weak, you are a pig, you are greedy, you are so fucking useless and ugly and such a let down to yourself". Yes that is it I can remember being told that by mum, I am letting myself down by eating it, her words ring in my head and I feel bad and guilty like I am doing something so bad to myself and every one will be so disappointed with me as I will put on weight and be hated and ignored and rejected if I put on weight.
I cant control my craving, it wins and I lose, I give in to it because it is so much stronger than me. I need your help Mother and Father, I don't know what to do, what the fuck am I doing to myself, help me for fuck sake, why am I doing this, why am I so out of control!!!!
A feeling has just come over me to just give in to it, just let the craving have me, stop fighting it and allow myself to have it, I cant win, I am feeling a complete weakness and it is physical, it is like exasperation where all the air has left my body and I have no strength to fight it any longer, just to be resolute to it and allow it, allow myself to eat it and allow all of the bad feelings to have there say and control over me. JUST LET THEM HAVE ME. I am feeling calm as I give over to my feelings without battling them, I am not in control at all and I don't care. I don't want to be in control I don't have the energy. I am just letting the feelings come. Accepting that I am all of those bad feelings and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so calm, so peaceful, I feel so fluid like liquid inside like everything inside me is flowing again, its my emotions and feelings they are no longer stuck and blocked but by me accepting them, they are now flowing and liquid inside me and it feels so good and so free. As I accept how I am the huge ball of knotted feelings that was stuck inside me has now untangled and it is all dispersing and flowing away, I can actually feel those feelings leaving me, I dint feel any of those bad feelings now, they are not bad, they are me and I am not bad like I have been led to believe, I am none of those things.
I feel really good, really very good, I feel like I have made some peace within myself and stopped the huge battle every time I eat anything.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 19, 2018 1:50:18 GMT 10
Boredom just feels like its the end, there is nothing and it is such a feeling of deep despair. I don't know what to do with myself, my mind is searching for something to do so my existence is worth while. I just feel lazy and to anyone else I would look like I am being lazy not doing anything but I am feeling how being bored feels and it feels awful.
There is no point to me, everyday is the same and I have more of this tomorrow. I am a shallow, hollow person. I walk from window to window in my lounge looking out, god knows at what, to see if there is anything that might give my life meaning or purpose, there is nothing, more nothing. Whats the point, my life feels pointless without doing something. I only have a point if I am busy and doing something worth while that people will love and think me worthy other than than I am of no consequence to anyone, no one wants to know a pointless person, my life only has worth by what I do, I am valued by what I do and what I know not by the truth of who I am, no one wants to know that real me, only the false me.
"Hello I am Sam, I don't do anything in life but feel my feelings for a living, I am boring, I don't work, I don't play, I just stay at home and feel my feelings all day and night." I can just see every one turning their backs on me and walking away. I am so boring and I am so bored, I have nothing in me. I just sit on my brown couch all day taking the occasional walk up and down the lounge and do food shopping and that is about it for me now. I feel so bored, so bored.
The boredom is very lonely, it takes me back to being a child with no one to play with, no company and not feeling like I have any connection to anyone, not my parents or brothers and sister. I feel alone and disconnected, rejected by everyone, rejected by life, I am not wanted at all, I am not seen just overlooked but I want to do something with someone, I want some company, I feel so alone. I want a friend to listen to me and my listen to them, I want someone to be interested and connect with me so I feel a part of them is with me. I feel like all of my childhood was just surface feelings with my family, like nothing went in deep with any of them and this made me feel alienated from them, outside of them all like I never fit in but was just there hanging around, a bit like now, bored and not having anything to hold on to, nothing deep and meaningful that I feel a part of. Yes, that is it, I don't feel a part of anything, I don't feel a part of life but it is going on around me just like my family were, its the same. I am bored and don't feel a part of anything, no connections in life, no depth with it just floating on the surface going unnoticed and maybe in a few weeks someone might say "Oh where is Sam" and I would have drifted away into non existence without being noticed.
Being bored is a very unsettling feeling, anxious and irritating as I have nothing to do but just be bored, I could make myself do something like I used to do all the time but that would be my mind taking control, now I am healing I am letting my feelings show me everything about myself and how I really feel and how I felt as a child so I want to be consumed by this awful feeling of boredom and let it take me down to where I need to go with it. I want boredom because it is a part of me and my childhood, I want to feel it all so I can heal it out of me.
As I ask Mother and Father to help me feel this I want to stamp my feet and clench my fists in anger at being so left out, being so left on my own by everyone, that I have to feel bored and ignored like this. I feel a pull in me so wanting to belong and be valued just like this, just as I am; BORED. To have someone say "Oh wow Sam, you are bored, that's so good can you tell me about how it makes you feel, I want to know" and really look me in the eyes and connect with me so I can feel they mean it and want me to tell them all about it. I would have loved my parents to have taken the time to ask me how I felt instead of take me for granted, shit I hate that saying, what do those words even mean, stupid saying but I cant think of any other way to put it. I can feel the joy in me of the prospect of being wanted and listened to even when I am bored instead of being told to "go and do something, go and play Sam", its all so unloving and rejecting when all I want is them to connect with me and fill me with love so I am s full I will never feel boredom again because I am loved and they want me and they want to spend time with me, not get rid of me so I am alone and have to think of things to play with and do just as I am doing now as an adult, thinking what can I do, with my mind just as it was as a child having to go away and amuse myself with my mind instead of being able to express how I felt with my feelings and have my parents be interested.
I am feeling a bit better and less bored now, I feel a bit better every time I express a bit more of it out of me. It lightens me inside to get it out.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 19, 2018 2:09:17 GMT 10
It felt really sad and horrible being with my parents and family; but not really being with them. As I just looked out of the window I saw all of the birds flying together in a family group and I never felt like that, I always felt like I was with them but not really with them, not a part of them bit always outside of the group and I stayed like that for the rest of my life in any group I was in, but not really in, just hanging about on the periphery. Never feeling I belonged.
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