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Post by samantha9 on Jun 12, 2019 19:55:21 GMT 10
Today I am feeling so bored and connecting to my need for constant pleasure and satisfaction. Shit I am bored and it feels like such a dead end, I don't know what to do with myself, I want something good to happen to me like in my fantasies when I was a child and I was the princess in some far off kingdom, it was exciting playing with my dollies, them being me, and having the life of my fantasies. I cant do that any more, life is boring without my dollies and that fantasy. Life is dull and boring and I feel the same. My mind keeps thinking what can I do, my mind wants to take me away from my bad feelings and go and play with the dollies again so I don't have to feel bad. I don't have to feel how I had to go and make up a fantasy world because no one wanted to be with me in the real world and it is the same now. Shit how lonely a child I was having to do that, having no one interested in me enough to want to be with me, and I knew it so I went off into my fantasy world. I have done the same in my adult life and thought up business I could do, hobbies and all of that so I don't have to feel the pain of being so alone with no one interested in me.
Being bored feels lonely and cold, unloving. it is a place of longing and waiting, a place of anxiety because I am waiting for someone or something good to happen. There is such a deep desperation in me not to be bored but to be fulfilled and connected to someone so I don't have to be alone. I really feel like the child I once was right now, I can feel that child like need and wanting still in me and I can connect to it, it is an awful feeling, the need, the pull in me, the desperation to feel loved wand wanted how I need to be wanted, I almost want to demand and go into a tantrum with my parents that they are leaving me alone to much, they are not giving me what I need from them, they have forgotten about me and I can feel that emotional neglect and withdrawal. Yes, I feel very desperate, it is such a strong pull, like a rope, a thick rope from me to them, I can see it. it is tight from my end but slack at theirs and they wont pull me in, I feel lost and scared because I don't have them and they cant see what I need, they are not aware that anything is wrong as they go about their day and I don't know how to alert them to what is going very wrong. I feel very scared that I am so cut off from them, what will happen to me if they don't know I feel like this, this is how they are making me feel. It feels so hopeless, they wont listen to me, I have to give up.
This boredom has such a hopelessness to it, such an ending and a feeling that I will never get out of it because I don't have anyone interested in me, no one wants to be with me in the way I need them to be, in the way I needed my parents to be. it all feels so hopeless. I keep thinking about food, that is something to do and it will make me feel better, it will break the bad feeling of boredom and make me feel good, it will make me feel the pleasure and satisfaction I want to feel, those are the feelings I want from my parents, to feel wanted and loved but it wont happen, I don't want it fromm them now, I needed it as a child and didn't feel it from them so its all to late now, I don't want their love now, as an adult, they repel me.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 12, 2019 20:30:37 GMT 10
My boredom is making me feel so left out of everyone's lives, no one wants to include me, this feeling stems from a memory I just had as I walked into the garden and asked Mother to help me feel the truth. I remember my older sister going out with her friends and not wanting me to come, I can remember being so hurt by it that I went into a full tantrum, I was about 10 at the time. She told mum of me and mum told me to stop it and leave Bev alone. I was fucking fuming and devastated that no one understood how left out I was feeling, how not wanted by anyone I was feeling, I can remember it all so clearly. I wasn't wanted and mum told me to leave her alone, I was the bad one interfering in my sisters life but it was only because I wanted to be included in the fun, in the pleasure they were having but I wasn't wanted. That is how I feel now, not wanted, not included, I wasn't included in my parents life, I was just there, hanging around getting in the way a lot of the time. I am feeling that separation today. I was a spare part no one knew what to do with and now, today that is how I feel, like a spare part and I don't know what to do with myself, just as they didn't. I would ask them "what can I do, I am bored" and they had no answers for me so I had to carry on in my boredom. Sometimes mum would cook with us and that was good, fun but that was it.
I don't know what to do with myself, just as they didn't know what to do with me, I am being them to myself and I have no answers like them. Its such a dead end feeling.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 13, 2019 6:18:36 GMT 10
Something I wanted to do didn't go my way. Nothing big but to boring to talk about but my feelings are what I want to express, the anger I felt at it not going my way. Trevor was helping me to do this thing and he couldn't get it how I wanted it and I felt so angry at him that I stopped and ended it abruptly. I felt so angry inside and I have now stopped doing it so I can come and express it, I have spoke about how fucked off it made me feel, now I am writing it all down.
I felt Trevor wasn't understanding me and how I wanted it, he didn't get me and that has fucked me off so much, not being understood and my needs not being taken seriously and him not wanting to talk to me so he could understand me more. Why couldn't he just stop and ask me what I wanted and how I wanted it to go, he wasn't interested in what I wanted at all, he never discussed it with me although I was trying to tell him. It is just like at home with my parents, no communication, not interested in me and what I need and I don't feel I can say anything because I could feel him getting pissed off with me and I am scared of making anyone angry, that is my dad. So I backed off and ended it, not getting what I needed or wanted, feeling unsatisfied and that is a feeling I have been expressing today, how unfulfilled I feel all the time so use my addictions to satisfy me because my parents (Trevor) couldn't, they were not interested and everything I do is showing me that is the truth.
I must have sucked up all the anger I felt for my whole childhood until I was so unaware I did that when I felt angry because I was not allowed to express it, shit I would have got in trouble. I am still so scared of expressing my anger so I just bottled it like I did as a child, Trevor would have got angry with me and I am so scared of feeling someones anger at me. It is exactly the same feeling as I felt as a child with dad, that fear of his anger, I could just feel him as I can Trevor.
I always have to go unfulfilled and I have a feeling in me that I will never get what I want, what I want will have to stay a fantasy in my head because I cant have it, no one cares enough to take me seriously so I sacrifice my wants and needs all the time but with food I don't have to, I can say yes to myself and satisfy myself, I am in control of it now. It is one thing I have control over.
It has just come to me that people always take over what I want to do, it is taken out of my hands so I lose control of my wants and needs and someone else controls them and I have to just put up with it and it is never how I wanted it so I am yet again, left unsatisfied. I always have to be ok with it, always second best. What about what I want, how I wanted it to be!! no one takes my feelings seriously and think they know how I want it to be, I never feel in control of my own feelings as someone else takes them over, compromises me and I never am happy with what I am left with, it is not how I wanted it. Compromise is no good, someone is always left with not getting what they wanted in the way they wanted it to be, someone is always left unhappy and getting the bad end of the deal and having to put up with it. With compromise there is always a winner and always a loser and I feel I have always been compromised and always been at the bad end of it, never fulfilled when someone else walks of with what I would have wanted. Fuck Compromise, Fuck it, NO I want it like this, this is what I want!!
I know I am chopping and changing with my feelings and it may be hard to keep up but I am just going with what the next feeling is and it might not be anything to do with what I started saying but one feeling opens up to another and in a way they are connected because they all need to be felt.
I am fucked off with having to be ok with not getting what I want and how I want it, I am fucked off with having to 'With Do' put up with, compromise, not feel satisfied. I feel like such an unworthy person to even believe I can have what I want, I feel so lowly and unworthy and that is how I was made to feel by my parents as a child, I felt like a second rate citizen, a child that should be seen and not heard and I was not important at all to have any opinions or a voice to express my feelings. I could never do that, I just battled it out in my mind every second of my life, shit the battles I used to go through, the torment was unbearable, a war in my head where all my feelings were kept under lock and key.
I feel scared to ask for things to be how I want them to be in case I get attacked with someone's anger at me for saying what I want. There is no respect for me at all. I am really fucked of and angry at being so disrespected as a child and as an adult.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 13, 2019 19:58:07 GMT 10
I am so tired and worn out with being so wrong, so negative in my state and condition, it is so tiring to be like this and to do all of this expressing and healing constantly, it is so tiring to be evil and so against love, I am so worn out. I am healing myself 24/7, it is in everything I do and I feel like a crumpled, broken down mess. I can see how my parents have made me and I just have to be in it because there is nothing I can do to change myself, I cant do it, that is up to Mother and Father and only they know when I have done it all, expressed it all and have accepted how I am, all of my wrongness. I have no idea where I am in it all, \I feel like it will never come to an end for me. Its like being in a kind of hell going over the same shit day in day out, on a loop that I keep repeating but every time I go into the same loop I see something different about myself and come out knowing more truth.
I feel so energy less, I am tired and worn out. I want to change so much but I cant, yet I have and am changing but so slowly I hardly notice it, yet the changes are huge when I look back to how I once was. I suppose I want some instantaneous change to happen in me where I really feel it in the instant and I know I have changed instead of it all being so slow that I am not so much aware of how I am changing. Everyone else sees it but me.
I feel so worn out with it all.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 16, 2019 0:34:49 GMT 10
I feel so unfulfilled, my whole life has been so unfulfilling, a big let down of not getting what I want. A big disappointment of Just having to make do all the time, having second best. My need and constant wanting to eat is showing me how unfulfilled I really have been, how unsatisfied I feel constantly and I felt that as a child, always having to make do with not getting what I want, having to put up with it and not expressing how fucking angry I felt.
I have a constant feeling of unfulfillment going on in me and it nags at me to do something about it, go and eat, have something nice, go and do something fulfilling because I feel so bored and unfulfilled. I need filling all the time so I have a biscuit or some chocolate to give me a good fulfilling feeling but it only lasts for a short time and I am back to feeling unfulfilled again. I am so fucked off with it but cant stop myself.
That feeling is nagging at me now as I write this, it is with me all the time, a need to be pleased and fulfilled and it is to strong a feeling that i cant not do something about it, i have to do what it says, it controls me. I am so sick of this compulsion controlling me. I cant stop it.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 17, 2019 9:41:38 GMT 10
I am such an arsehole, I caught myself putting more of my fears into my daughter today. I actually thought about what I wanted to say to her and in my head it didn't sound so bad but when it came out of my mouth, shit, what have I just said to her! I poured my feelings into her and she had a right go at me for it. I was so glad to hear her telling me to just stop it, she asked me if i was aware of what i was doing to her and i told her that after i heard myself say it, i knew i had done so wrong because it felt horrible.
I wanted to turn back time after i said it but it was to late, it was out there and into her. I am a right arsehole for doing it to her and she pointed out to me what i had just done to her. I felt terrible, i still do, i was being to her what my parents were to me, pouring all their shit fears into me and making me a nervous wreck. I couldn't help myself but i knew instantly i had done wrong.
I feel like i have slipped right back, what a fucking moron i am that i needed my daughter to be the wise one and tell me what i just did to her, i felt like a naughty child being told off by her parents. Faye was right though, i was very wrong. I am still so fucked up wanting my child to be as fucked as i am, just as my parent wanted me to be as fucked as them, if they were going down, they were dragging me with them but Faye refused to be dragged down by me, she told me straight to "fuck off" with my fear and that she felt nothing like that. I felt really stupid and such an arsehole.
I am so glad Faye can put me in my place and tell me the truth when I am out of line, I feel like I cant escape from my parents, I Never could. I am still listening to them and being them, they still have power over me and I cant be any different, this is them, I am them, this is how they want me to be, like them. I cant rebel against them, I am them and I feel like they have won as I listen to their shit coming out of my mouth. They said it to me, now I am saying it to Faye and it is so wrong but I didn't feel how bad it was until I spoke it out loud to Faye, then I felt like dying as I knew I had just fucked up.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 17, 2019 10:06:45 GMT 10
I cant stop being my fucked up self, I say to myself that I am not going to be like that but it is who I have been made to be, I am like that and I find myself still trying not to be but that is just more mind shit control going on. I am fucked up and that is the truth, anything else, any other way I try to be is bollocks. I am wrong, all wrong, everything i do is so wrong and i still keep trying with my mind to be right, do it better, not do it again but of course i do it again because that is the truth of how fucked up i am, i am wrong so no trying not to be wrong is going to work, i am so wrong and that is who i have to be, the wrong me without any covering it up, put it all out there for me to see the truth of.
I talk shit, i say the wrong thing, i pour my fears into my children, i am like that because i was made to be and now i have yo be it fully to see the truth of it. See all the wrongness of myself and how bad it makes me feel. I am not right but i try to pretend i am and that is wrong, it's all to gain power and being so wrong makes me feel weak and powerless and this is what i have to feel.
Mother and Father i am so wrong and i long for your help in seeing the truth of my feelings, my wrongness, just keep it coming, I want to know the truth of myself and I cant do it without you, my parents. I am your child and I long for and need your help, please help me.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 18, 2019 18:39:34 GMT 10
I keep doing stupid things today, dropping stuff and its driving me fucking mad. It has made me so angry with myself and is bringing up all the hate I feel for myself. I have been in such a rage, shouting at myself what an absolute cunt I am and I use that word in pure hate and anger at myself, the word is such a hatred towards women and it feels so right for me to use it against myself. I have been grabbing my face in my hands and clenching my skin till it hurts whilst screaming to myself about how much hate I feel at myself. As my healing goes on I am realising I have nothing but hate for myself and I am being more of that as the days go on and this extra weight I have gained is all helping me to feel the truth of how much I really do hate myself, if I was still slim I wouldn't be able to feel that truth because I like myself slim but staying slim is just so I don't have to fee the truth about how much I hate myself and putting on some weight has helped me get to the truth.
I have nothing but rage for myself, I am so fucking clumsy and stupid, I do such fucking stupid things and it makes me so angry at myself. I am typing away here bashing the fuck out of the keys in my temper, I want to hurt something, I want to hurt me but I am to scared of the pain so I bash the keyboard. I keep making spelling mistakes as I type and that is so fucking me off that I want to throw the computer at the wall, the fucking thing, I really want to hurt something, destruct something, break it and fuck it up to the level that I feel fucked up, so it will never be fixed again because that is how I feel and I want to do it to something else to express how I feel. I want something to be as broken as I am so I want to hurt stuff as I hurt.
I looked at myself naked last night and I filled with hate at myself and remember the times I was proud of my naked body and how nice it looked, now it is horrible, I hate it. I don't want to write any more I am too fucking angy about everything and this fucking healing!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 19, 2019 7:28:06 GMT 10
Seeing even more how much I have done in my life so that I get my parents approval, it Is all I have been looking for and I have tried to please every one so that I can get that feeling from them, approval, love. I just sat here in my lounge and it came to me like magic, the deep knowing that my life has been just to get their approval and I look for it in everyone, I need that feeling from them so I try to please them and not upset them so they stay happy with me and I can remain feeling good. I want to do all I can for everyone, make life good for them so they don't feel bad and they then stay feeling happy with me and then I can get the feelings from them that I need. I want life to be good and pain free for every one just so I can feel their good feelings for me and be happy with me. If I upset anyone it will be like upsetting my parents and I will have to receive bad feelings from them and that is so unloving and I don't want to feel that so I keep everyone feeling good, I go out of my way to keep everyone happy and I can see how much I still do that and if fact, it has got worse as my healing has progressed, I have found myself being obsessive almost, to keep everyone happy. I have felt out of control with it like I am being driven to do it, it all being ramped up so much until I can see what I do as I have seen today and received that feeling which is the truth, where I know for sure this is what I do and why I do it.
I cant stop doing it and like I said, it has got worse, not better, doing so much for my children so they don't have to feel pain and stay happy with me, this is what I had to do with my parents, keep them sweet and then I would receive loving feelings from them, I knew what I had to do. I have found it surprising how bad I have got though, like it is an addiction to please everyone so I get my feelings I need from them. I feel hopeless to change and the more I long to Mother and Father for the truth, the worse I am getting so that I can see the truth of how it was for me with my parents as a child and this is how Mother and Father are helping me.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 19, 2019 17:45:27 GMT 10
Today I am feeling more like I am held in a constant state of subdued terror, it has a hold on me and today I am feeling the truth of that state as it is never far away from me, always threatening to hurt me and control me. I haven't had any of my dizzy turns for a while but for the last couple of days I have had huge moments of dizzy turns that feel like I am dropping and shutting down, I don't lose consciousness at all but the feeling is like I am dropping, like being in a lift and it dropping down to the floor. The feelings it makes me feel are those of terror and that terror is in me alt he time and always has been so I understand why I am having these dizzy bouts, to make me feel the terror they bring up in me.
I had one just now and instead of doing what I usually do and try to escape from it I sat here and just told it to do what it wanted with me, do its worst to me and stopped running from my bad feelings but met them instead. It is a terrifying feeling of shutting down and leaves me dumb and very scared but not this time, I have faced it head on and not ran from it. I have been so scared of this feeling in the past and it has always been with me just threatening to come up and ruin my life, and with saying that, my parents came to me, it is them and their control over me, all the feelings this dizzy dropping feeling makes me feel is how they made me feel and I wanted to just shut down, shut them down and run from them. Their control made me feel like just dropping like a sack of bricks as I gave up and in to them.
I am feeling like it right now, the feeling has just come over me, so light headed like I will pass out. A wave of dizziness just passed through me and my whole body went into terror, I am in it now, I have tingling under my arm pits as the sweat activates for me to run, get away from this threat over me. Something is going to get me and I have to run but I am not, I am sitting here expressing it to you. I feel so scared, I want someone to take it away for me, I feel so sick with the terror, my heart is beating so fast with the panic and I have a sharpened state of hearing as I go into fight or flight mode, all of my senses are heightened ready for the threat to attack me.
The wave of dizziness that passes through me feels actually physical, like someone is pushing me or passing through me, walking right through me, it feels so physical. I am feeling horrible, waiting for it to happen again, it holds me in fear and I cant escape from its grip over me. I am crying because I am so tired of feeling so bad, feeling like nothing is ever going to get better for me, feeling like I am always going to be in such fear, I have no way out of it and I am so tired. I am so scared Mother and Father, so scared, always in terror, please help me feel the truth of this awful wave of fear that sweeps threw me.
I need to leave now and have a realy good cry about this fear and let it all out, how it makes me feel.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 19, 2019 18:32:17 GMT 10
The panic attacks, terror and fear is all about me not being safe, I am only safe with my mum and dad and they put that threat in me so they had control. As soon as I get these horrible feelings, I want my mum, like a child wanting her mummy, that s how I feel, I will only be safe with her, I must keep her in my sights at all times, I must always hold her hand when we go out, I must always wear my braces so I am tethered to her then I wont get lost or snatched by some pervert who takes children. I am so full of fear about what could happen to me, I am never safe in life and my parents made me feel this way, they were always scared about what could happen to me and I now feel trapped that I cant do anything because I am never safe, mum and dad told me I wasn't.
This feeling of dizziness and dropping that sweeps through me, it reminds me that I don't feel safe, that I am terrified of something bad happening to me just like mum and dad said, I am waiting for it to get me and kill me like those baddies my parents told me about. I am always waiting for them and this feeling brings them to me and it gets me, the fear takes me over although their is no one there physically, the fear is the presence, the threat that is going to slay me. I am so scared of it, I don't want it to get me so I run from it but I cant run any more. When I am least expecting it, there it is, the terror is in me, it comes into me like a physical presence but nothing comes into me because the feeling is already in me and has been since childhood. I can feel the fear build up and sweep over me, crushing me, wiping me out almost. I am scared and terrified of it and when it will come, I am just waiting for it, I could sit here waiting for it to come all day feeling paralysed to do anything in case it happens. If I stay perfectly still maybe it wont come, it wont see me and I will be ok. It is in me so I cant escape from it, I cant escape from myself and my bad feelings and that is what I am trying to do, that is what I have always tried to do, that is why I have felt so trapped because I cant escape from me and my bad feelings. I have to sit with them, meet them, feel them and I am terrified of them but I am trapped because they are all in me, where ever I run to , they are there with me, I could run to the enda of the earth and I still couldn't get away frome them. All I have to do is stop running and sit with them, meet them head on and feel them all. Running is so exhausting, I cant anyway so all I have to do is feel them, let them come up and have a say.
What does this wave of dizziness want to tell me about myself? How terrified I am of my bad feelings, how I want to run away from them because I am to scared to feel them. I am so scared of the dizziness shutting me down as I feel it wants to do to me, like my parents wanted to do to me, shut my WILL down just the same as this feeling of dizziness wants to do to me. Kill me, that is how it feels, like it wants to kill me, make me pass out to show me how much it can control me, even to the extent of making me unconscious, it has full control over me, I have no choice but to do as it wants and isn't that the same as how it was as a child under my parents WILL. I was controlled and I still am and it makes me feel like I am dying, like more of ME is being killed off as I give way to their WILL over me and my WILL dies a little bit more so I feel shut down. As my WILL is taken, I feel a little bit more terror as more of me is taken and thrown away into nothingness, meaninglessness like that part of me is not needed, it is rubbish, I am rubbish, every part of my WILL is bad and rubbish and I must get rid of it and never let it see the light of day again. Dispose of myself and my WILL. This sets off terror as more of me is not needed or wanted and I have to lose it, kill it off. More of me is dying and that sets of panic and terror in me as I let myself go for the will of others. There is nothing of me left, where am I? Where have I gone? I am confussed and in panic as to what has happened to me and my WILL, what is left of me? Nothing!! Where am I? Nowhere!! Where have I gone? I don't know!! I don't feel like I exist any longer! What have I done with ME? Who am I being? Them!! ME was not wanted! I had to let her go!
I feel in a panic because I don't know who I am or where I am, where have I gone, I feel like I need to retrieve all of my lost parts and out myself back together, the parts I had to lose because they were not wanted by my parents, they replaced so much of me with their WILL, their parts and now I don't know where mine have gone, I feel so lost and now I have to cry I feel so full of grief and what has gone of me.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 19, 2019 19:26:55 GMT 10
I cant do anything or go anywhere because the worst thing is going to happen to me, this is the undercurrent of fear that is the foundation of every decision I make in my life, what is going to happen to me and all because I have listened to my parents fears for me and made them real, I believe them. I believe that what they said will happen tome and to my children and I have put it into them too. Don't go to far or reach to high because something bad will happen to you, the bogie man will get you, that monster under the bed is real and one day he will get you. Its all still in me, my childhood fears from my parents, them always wanting to keep me safe meant that something is going to get me and I am still waiting for it to get me, it is real to me still so I live in the fear they created believing it is real and it feels fucking real to me now.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 20, 2019 1:07:15 GMT 10
I am feeling so much better now, its about five hours since my last post and I was feeling terrible, crying all the time and I have spent the day Talking with Mother and Father, begging for them to help me know the truth of why I am feeling so bad. I am now feeling calm and no dizziness. It was so bad today, the way all of that fear and terror came up in me triggered by the dizzy spells, making my heart pump and the terror rise in me. All I can do is express it, take the cork out of the bottle of my feelings and let it fizz everywhere, release it all and reduce the pressure. It works because now I am feeling fine and calm and able to cope until the next bout of bad feelings for me to feel.
I have been doing this intensively for six years now and my healing has changed, it has got worse not better as I thought it would. But by it getting worse I know I am getting closer to the truth of my feelings and being the fear, being true to all I have denied, it is all now coming up for me to be it and know it. I have to be it so I can accept it and express it, I have to experience it all and I am. It is scary and I am scared of having to go back into it all and that is just more to express. I am scared, very scared most of the time and I don't have to hide it any more, I say to every one that may read this, the truth of me is that I am scared of life, very scared of what it will do it to me. Life is a constant threat to me and that is how my parents taught me to be, be scared of life it will hurt me.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 20, 2019 9:29:22 GMT 10
Today I have realised that what has happened to me is that I have been taken back into the truth of my childhood trauma. That is how it has been, fully in my terror, feeling every bit of it to the extent of nearly losing consciousness. Feeling like I am about to shut down and be wiped out. Shit, it's been awful to feel, so scary, I am now so exhausted.
I Understand what has gone on and what I have needed to feel and experience. I know this is my childhood terror being relived so I can feel the truth of it and know for sure, this is what it is and this is where it came from.
I feel so good knowing that truth.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 21, 2019 9:42:19 GMT 10
Still so much fear surfacing today. I am scared of life and what will happen to me. I have become aware of this fearfull feeling that underlays most things I do. I think I have had it with me for so long that I haven't noticed it being there with me whenever I do anything. I want to do something and there is a fear stopping me, telling me I mustn't do it because I wont be ok, I might get harmed in some way. It's there with me all the time and I feel it with me when I am with my children too, feeling all the things that could go wrong in there lives. Shit, it scares me and I am always waiting for the bad thing to happen.
I am so scared all the time. Scared for me and scared for my children. Now they are grown up, I cant be there for them and it scares me that something bad could happen to them and I cant stop it. My daughter is in Bali for three weeks and she has only been gone for two days and I have been a mess, thinking of all the bad things that could happen to her, I have driven myself crazy that if she needs me, I cant be there for her and it's all because I cant stand her being in pain and not having me there yo make it all better. I feel so helpless and out of control. I am seeing just how much control I need and its shocking how I am being. All I can do is cry it out and Express how I am feeling to Mother and Father. How scared I am that something bad could happen and I cant be there to fix it.
I want to fix it all for everyone so there is no pain, I dont want anyone to feel any pain, I cant stand it, it is too overwhelming for me, I cant cope and I have to stop it at all costs. I am seeing how bad this is in me to fix it all for every one. I am to take away there pain just like mum had to do, make it all good for everyone so none of us had to feel pain. I grew up not being able to cope with pain and being terrified of it because mum tried to control it all the time just as I am doing, I am mum, doing just the same dhit to my children and I am unstoppable it seems. I am out of control with it and it feels like I am getting worse.
The thoughts that have been going through my mind today have been so distressing. I have been speaking them out to Mother and Father and it has been an exhausting day, draining. I feel so helpless, so unable to help Faye because she is so far away. I dont believe she will cope without me because I didn't feel I could cope without my mum, she made it that way so she could feel always needed, indispensable, the one we all needed and couldn't do without, I now am exactly the same and it shocks me. I need to be needed so I can feel loved and now Faye is so far away I am not capable of helping her and I feel so helpless.
My parents made sure we always needed them and it made me scared of living. Scared of life without them, that I couldn't cope without them, I couldn't cope in the outside world and that is how I am feeling now.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 22, 2019 19:38:51 GMT 10
I have woke up today full of memories of when I was criticised or told off by my parents and the feeling of how that felt is what I am feeling right now. It is so soul destroying, I have that deep hurt in my soul and I can feel it, such deep rejection and pain, the worst pain I could ever feel is the rejection of my parents and I am feeling it today, I woke up with it.
I remember being told off or them saying they didn't like something about me, it was such a shock to feel that from them, the people who are meant to love me above all else, it killed me. When I got told off, no matter how little or big a telling off I got, I felt them not like me, they were saying something I did wasn't to their liking and they wanted me to stop or change to be how they wanted me to be, I had to change myself for them to love me and that is so destroying, devastating. I can remember being told off and instantly not wanting to be around them at all any more, I hated them in that moment, how could they be so unloving to me, I don't want to see them ever again, I wanted to go off into my bedroom and sulk, really sulk, really hate them, never have to see them again for what they have just done to me. They are fuckers and I hate them, that is how I felt about them but I wasn't even allowed to go off on my own and hate them, I wasn't allowed to be with the grief of them being such arseholes to me and hurting me. They would make me join them and I didn't know where to put myself, I felt like I hated them but I had to be with them and pretend it was all ok, they made me be like that, I wasn't allowed to sulk and feel my hurt, I had to pretend I was ok with them. Shit it is all so fucking wrong, I have been so fucked up by them. How could they make me sit with them knowing I must have been so pissed off after being told off, they would tell me to cheer up, stop being a baby and join in with the family, FUCK THEM!!!!
I hate them right now. Really hate them for not letting me feel my anger at them, so now I feel thet I cant show my anger for any one or anything. I have to do what they told me to do, suck it up and pretend it is all ok, I am fine with being treated like a nothing, no one by you two arseholes. I can see exactly why I am so fucked up and why.
As soon as someone has moaned about something I have done, or shown any dislike I have taken it very badly taken it right to my core and it hurts so much, more than most I feel. It touches that original pain put their by my parents and flares it up, opens up that original wound and makes me feel those feelings all over again. I want to do to them what I wanted to do with my parents, never see them again, wipe out all trace of ever knowing them, not let any of their energy touch me, get rid of everything that was them. I felt like I had to end it with them, I couldn't have them in my life but with my parents I had no choice, I couldn't just wipe out every trace of them, they wouldn't allow it, they impressed themselves on me even more if they knew I was pissed off with them, making me feel like I was being over sensitive and silly, "come on Sam, stop being so silly, its all over now, get over it" I was forced to get over it but the pain was in me seething, screaming in rage and frustration. I couldn't express it.
I feel all of this again today, all the memories surfacing in me of how I wanted to wipe out every trace of them after I had been told off by them, the rejection and unlovingness I felt from them that they could be so thoughtless towards me, not knowing how they hurt me, not being interested at all about how I feel and didn't allow me to express my anger or disagreement.
They said they loved me, they still maintain that they do love me and are so hurt by what I have done to them, I HAVE DONE THIS TO THEM!!! They blame me as my sister pointed out to me on her latest visit. It is always my fault. They have no idea about anything, they have no idea about the pain they have caused me, they are totally blind to their unloving parenting and I know they still believe it is all in me like I am some sort of nutter that has had a breakdown, they cant understand what has happened to me and what has happened to me is that I have woken up to the truth of their unloving parenting, I now see what they don't see but ploughed on through their lives on their default setting programmed into them by their own unloving parents and have just carried on playing that program. They don't have a clue.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 22, 2019 19:53:39 GMT 10
Just having more feelings coming up about my last post. When anyone has a go at me I want to wipe them out of my life, get rid of every trace of them like they never existed to me because they have hurt me so much. It is a weird feeling and it is one that I felt with my parents when they had a go at me. I would change my cloths, the ones I was wearing when the pain happened and I would throw them away because I could never wear them again as they were now tarnished and tainted with such pain and unlovingness, I can remember doing it several times. I wanted to get rid of every trace of them and the pain so the clothes would be thrown away and I still do that now with things. If anyone has a go at me I have to clear them out of my life, all they gave me gets thrown out, I cant feel the same about them again and anything they bought me is tainted with them and their unlovingness, it is just the same as when I was a child with my parents. For me it is so painful it is the end, they have hurt me so badly I cant have anymore to do with them, it is so deep in my soul, the pain, I can feel it now. Right now, as I write this I can feel a pain in my heart area and in my throat, it is a ball of rock hard emotion and pain, how could they be so unloving. I can remember the shock of being told off, the shock of not being loved, it was all such a shock, how could they not love me, their child. How could they tell me off, they don't see me as their child, they see me as a pain, a nuisance that is in the way and not wanted but they have to put up with, it is all my fault I am alive, I feel so hated today. I can feel that feeling of wanting to get rid of all traces of them, the ones who hate me. It is so sad to feel so unloved, I cant believe it, I feel shocked by it, I cant believe they don't love me and being told off was always such an unloving shock for me and it still is, when ever anyone has a go at me it is a shock to my core. I go into panic and don't know how to cope, I shake and fee terror rise in me and I don't know what to do with it all. I cant comprehend that I am so unloved but I can see why I have to have such unloving experiences, because it is the truth of how I was parented, a truth my parents will never see until they too go through their own healing.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 24, 2019 4:27:49 GMT 10
Sitting here thinking what do I actually like about myself and the answer is NOTHING. I really cant feel any good feeling about any part of myself and I never knew I really felt like this, all these years I have thought I liked myself and the truth is I don't at all, not any part of me. I am ashamed of myself through and through, I hate the way I look and feel about myself, nothing feels good. I feel like I want to disappear, I don't want anyone to see me and how I look, I don't want to exist to anyone, I want to hide, be non existent. I really don't want to exist to anyone I am so ashamed of myself. I don't feel like I am really here, like I am in a dream or something. I don't feel real. I don't want to be like this, I want to be better than I am, I hate how I am. I am still living in the unreal fantasy that I can be someone else, not me but someone better than me. I want to be her, then I will be acceptable. I don't feel I am acceptable at all. I hate how I am. I hate who I am, I hate the truth of who I am, what I have uncovered about myself, I hate it.
It is so hard to live and be everything I hate about myself and tried, all my life, so hard to deny. I am now being more of what I hate about myself, more and more of it rises in me and I see the truth of myself and how bad I am and I cant do anything about it, this is how I am, it is what I have tried so hard to deny about myself, never letting it come out but now I have to meet it head on and it is horrible, I hate it all, I hate this truth of who I am. I wish I could just disappear. Bury my head in the sand but there is not escaping it any more. This is me in all of my evilness.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 25, 2019 20:23:28 GMT 10
Feeling unwell and floaty, dizzy today. I am waiting for the big bout of wipe out dizziness to get me. I am held in this fear of the big one wiping me out, the huge overwhelming feeling to terrorise me and my dad has just come into my mind as I wrote that, he was the huge terrorising fear I was always waiting for. I had better be good or he will get me, tell me off and I will be so scared. Always under the threat of terror and being made to feel scared, such a threat to hang over a child. My other brothers and sister have told me they never felt this at all, they think I am making it all up but they are in denial of the fear he put into us, I remember them as children being scared and even in conversations with them talking about our childhood, they never wanted to upset him, he always had to be respected by us because he never had the respect from his own father, he was a terrorising bastard to him and dad always said he never wanted to be like his dad but he, to a lesser degree, was. He tried so hard to not be like his dad but he couldn't help it, when the chips were down he reverted to being his dad, he had no choice and couldn't change how his father had made him with his mind, by just telling himself he was never going to be like his dad, it was in him, the disease was passed on to him by default, he had no choice but to be like his dad and he could tell himself stories that he was nothing like his dad but he was just like him and it was out of his control. His mind couldn't control the default settings his dad had planted in him at conception and gestation and his childhood, he had been groomed to be just like his dad and I can see it all so clearly, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
I have grown up being in fear of him like he was in fear of his own dad, I am just like him and I am as scared of my dad as he was of his, he gave me that. I know just how my dad felt as a child about his dad because I have those feelings in me too from him. I can see the scared child he still is always waiting for attack, to be terrorised, having to be on the defence all the time, having to protect his mother and sisters from his fathers rage. He was born to be the protector of 5 women, its a lot to be put on a little boy and this led him to be so over protective of us children, to the extent of it being suffocating and it made me fear life because he was so protective, everything out there was going to hurt me so I needed him to protect me and that is how I see men, without them I could die and all because of my dads fear of his father attacking his mum and sisters, he carried it on. It is like his mums feelings were to have a son just to protect her from him(grandad). Its a lot to put on a child.
This has diverted so much from my original writing of my feelings but it is good to write it all down and see it clearly where it all has come from, amazing really.
I am waiting for the big fear, the overwhelming one just like my dad was as a child and adult, always waiting for the terrible wrath of his father, he must have been a terrified child because he is a terrified adult and crated a terrified daughter, me.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 25, 2019 20:36:25 GMT 10
My dad was always waiting for the big terror, his dad, to wipe him or his mum or one of his sisters out, what a terror to have to wait for and I feel the same. I am always waiting for the bad terrible thing to come and get me and it was my dads anger and wrath, it terrified me and he wasn't as bad as his dad but as a little girl, his energy was felt by me all the time. I could feel him as soon as he walked in the door I knew what mood he was in and mum was there to calm him down and not anger him any further, smooth it all over. I never felt safe as a child, his anger scared the shit out of me. There were some good times, of course there were, we had wonderful Christmases, he went out of his way to make it so good for us and other times but I could feel his undercurrent energy, he couldn't hide it from me and that is why I was always scared of him because I could feel him and in relationships I have always done what mum did, calm it all down, not anger men, do as the want, keep them happy all so I wont have to feel attacked or scared of them, just like her.
I am my parents and I cant be any other way, I don't feel I can change a lot of the deep stuff, the foundations they built me with. Those fears are still there in me and I feel so stuck in them, like I will never be free of them and I don't feel like not being them any more, I want to be those feelings they built me with so I can see them as they truly are, to know the truth of me which is them and all of their shit. I want to see it all and maybe one day be able to see through that shit and get to me, the me that God created, I must be there somewhere. It would be so good to see a tiny pin prick of that pure light that is the real me glowing like a star through all of the shit, I would head for that light by feeling my way through all of the bad feelings to get to it. But I don't know about any of that, the truth is I am in the thick of my shit and that is what I have to stay with, the shit I am in right now, everything else is just more fantasy.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 26, 2019 5:58:07 GMT 10
I am so sick of being so scared of everything. I made myself a salad tonight using herbs and berries I have grown myself, it was amazing to taste the way it tasted but a little while after I realised I have felt a fear all the way through eating it. What if they all poison me, I don't trust nature, I don't trust that the herbs and fruit I have grown will not hurt me. What if they kill me!! I was struck by fear. Do I feel ok? am I alright? will I suddenly be stricken down with stomach pains because of the poisoning! all of these sorts of thoughts going through my head and being scared of what I have grown, killing me. I don't trust what I don't buy in the shops, what has been grown for me, I can trust that but I cant trust nature but I can trust the shops, I can trust someone else to do it for me but I cant trust ME. I don't trust me, I don't trust me, I don't trust me, the more I say it the sadder I feel. I don't trust ma and I never have, I trust mum and dad only. They did it all for me so I trust them, I cant trust myself. If I go off and do something myself without their approval it will end up bad. They don't know I have grown my own food so I cant trust it, I don't have their approval that it will be ok for me to eat and wont harm me. I cant trust myself.
I just want to leave it there for now.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 27, 2019 8:11:33 GMT 10
Having a bath talking to God and I realised I am to scared to tell God I dont believe in them. Yet I feel it is them that want me to know this as i was asking them for help, asking God, who i have just said i don't believe in, that is fucked up. I have also realised from this, that I am to scared to tell others the truth about how I feel about them because I am scared they will leave me. I haven't told God how I feel because I am scared they will leave me and I wont have them any more, it was the same with my parents, this is where it came from. I wasnt allowed to tell them how I felt about them in case I lost them for ever and now I am scared of doing this with everyone.
So I keep on pretending I like everyone so they dont leave me. I pretended I loved my parents so they didn't leave me, it's the same with God and everyone. It's to big a risk for me to take. I risk losing everyone if I speak the truth.i will be alone and deserted.
I am so sick of being this way just to keep people from leaving me. I am so sick of being under everyone's threat. I feel like I am held to ransom all the time.
Mother and Father I dont trust you. I dont believe you are there for me. I dont believe you will keep me from harm. I cant trust you yo make sure I am ok. I feel like I can only trust myself so have to do everything myself to make sure I am safe. How am I going to be ok by trusting you. I dont trust you are there for me. I feel so alone and without you. I feel like I have to make things happen so that I am safe. I really want yo trust you but I just dont know if you even exist.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 27, 2019 8:27:29 GMT 10
I have no idea what or who to trust, I always think that I have to be told by some outside authority who knows better than me. I need to be told by someone and then it is ok. I cant trust myself so I cant trust anyone, not even God. I dont know anything, I have to be told.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 27, 2019 20:22:20 GMT 10
I have to be told by my mum and dad what to believe, what to trust, what is right and what is wrong, every area of my life is according to them, they are the outside authority I rely on to tell me how to be in life and now it is up to me, to trust me, to trust God. God isn't here like my mum and dad were, how can I trust God when I cant see them. I don't even know if they exist so how can I trust them, I don't. That's the truth, I don't trust them I only have me and that is how I feel. It is all up to me, I am alone in this. I don't believe in you Mother and Father, I want too, but I cant. I am so confused about it all. I don't know what to believe anymore. I cant trust anyone and I don't trust me so it leaves me in a very scary place. I feel like I am winging it in life, never really knowing anything just hoping it will turn out ok for me. I have nothing solid to hold on to, I am just floating around in life so confused. I don't know where I belong or what to do about anything, shit I feel awful and so scared of life and what it will do to me. I have no one to rely on, to talk to, to help me. I feel like I want someone to take over, show me what to do and point me in the right direction, look after me and protect me because I am scared to do this on my own. I cant trust myself to get it right, I will fuck it all up, I need my parents still to do it all for me, only then will I be ok. I am scared of doing it alone, I am scared of getting it so wrong. I don't feel like Mother and Father are there for me. I feel deserted by everyone.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 28, 2019 1:20:24 GMT 10
Feeling even more alone. I have no one. Sometimes I feel connected to Mother and Father but now, they have gone. I don't feel like they exist to me, to everyone else, yes, but to me, NO. I feel abandoned and alone and like it is all up to me to do it all, I have no one else. I felt like that as a child, always up to me to sort out everything on my own, I couldn't worry mum and dad about it. Any problems I had, I had to sort them out myself and I feel like that now. No one to turn to.
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