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Post by samantha9 on May 25, 2019 5:59:30 GMT 10
I feel like I am not going to be any different, ever, I am always going to be this useless, addicted person who feels so NOTHING, so POINTLESS. I really feel like a waste of space with no future, nothing good ever happening, just useless and underneath all of the trying to be successful and usefull is a useless person pretending not to be. I know I have spelt usefull wrong but I prefer it that way.
I get everything wrong, such an idiot, so useless and that's the truth, me being usefull is not the truth. its just more wanting to be wanted and loved, all bollocks, I am bollocks.
I have no idea what to do with myself day in day out, the same old shit stuff and I am so fed up with it, so useless. I felt so useless as a child and so scared about being so useless, I never wanted to be asked anything because I didn't know the answer, I dreaded being asked anything, it was like dying because I was so useless and that is how I was shown to be infront of everyone in my class, useless, it was embarrassing and humiliating to be so shown up. I am feeling utterly useless now, just like then. Everything I tried to do was just for power, as it is now. To prove to myself and everyone else I am not useless, but I am. That is the truth of my feelings, totally useless and I catch myself doing things to make myself feel powerful and not to feel the truth of being so useless. I still find myself using my mind to not be so useless, be the clever girl my parents wanted and it was them I had to impress. I wanted their praise, them to tell me what a clever girl I was because then they wouldn't think I was useless but I always felt it as I do now.
I am so weak, I cant do anything, I am so powerless and it is this powerlessness that drives me to do all that I do, I cant just be useless, I cant let myself be totally useless and as I write this I can see more ways that I am stopping myself being completely useless, little things I do every day that are still my mind not wanting me to feel the truth of how unloving being useless feels.
I feel like their is no hope for me, my mind is so powerful as I see more things I do to keep me from feeling the truth of my uselessness. I am a hopeless case, my mind is in control and I can see it and feel helpless to change, it is to strong for me. All I can do is do it and feel how it all feels as I do it and it brings so much hopelessness up in me. Their is so much shit in me still to come up, just when I have found the truth of something about myself, I am plunged into something else to see about myself, more and more coming up from the depths of me, there is just so much repressed shit. There is so much of my pain to know about and I feel swamped under it all and I feel hopeless to ever get to the end of it as more comes up for me to feel.
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Post by samantha9 on May 25, 2019 6:38:41 GMT 10
I feel so fucked off, I am getting worse not better, my addictions are going crazy out of control, I cant do anything to stop myself doing all the things I do to make me feel better and they don't, I feel worse, terrible not better as I see hoe hopeless and powerless I am to my addictions and minds control over me. This is how bad I really am, all day long revelling in my addictions, not being able to stop them or resist them and they are so bad now, I cant stop. I am like a fucking runaway train as I see the truth of all of them as they come up from way down inside me. They are all coming up at the same time and I am a mass of addiction, compulsion, out of controlled mess and I fucking hate it, I hat not being able to tell myself "No Sam don't eat that, it will put weight on you" I know it will but I eat it anyway as I see the control over myself I used to have and kept myself on a constant diet to stay slim, its all fucked up now, I can no longer do that.
I used to only drink pure water, nothing else and now I am drinking less and less water and more and more coke and shit like that and I cant do anything about it. really, if you are reading this thinking all I have to do is not have it, its not possible, something in me has taken over and that mind control of 'Not having, not allowing, will power' is not possible any more. I have it all, all the stuff I denied myself all my life is now what I have, it has all turned on its head and it is all the opposite of what it was. I cant be on that healthy diet any more, with my whole being, I cant do it, I am having all I have denied myself and all that was denied me as a child, I am filling myself with it all and I feel so out of control, I have no control over it. I want it so I have it, where as once upon a time I would have told myself NO, I cant have it, I will ruin myself if I put on weight, no one will like me, I will be hated. Now I have to see how it feels to be hated, what the feelings in me were that kept me dieting compulsively and it is all coming up and it is all so fucking hard, this is the dread of my life, putting on weight and not being wanted, being talked about by those who haven't seen me in ages and see that I have put on some weight, I am not huge but I can feel it and see it and I fucking hate it but I cant stop and I am terrified of where it will go.
I hate feeling so unloved, I hate hating myself so much like this, I loved myself being skinny, well, I loved the look of myself, inside I was rotten and now that rot is right at the surface for me to feel and it is fucking awful.
I feel so gross, I hate looking at myself as I see my 27 inch waist growing, as I see my Boobs getting bigger, everything changing as I keep saying yes to myself instead of 'NO Sam You Cant Have IT' I am saying yes you can, infact you have to, like I am being controlled by something outside of me. I wake up every morning saying NO to myself, I am going to be good today but it cant happen, it no longer works like that for me, it used too, but now no sooner have I said it than I am eating something I shouldn't because it will put weight on me and it is, Oh shit I fucking hate it, I feel so ugly and gross, unwanted and unloved. Lonely and Isolated, all the feelings I am now feeling are the feelings that made sure I stayed slim, so I didn't have to feel like this, Now I have to feel them.
I don't know if any of this is making any sense, I am typing so fast as I want to get how I am feeling written down. I fucking hate myself like this, not acceptable, No one will accept me, no one will even look at me, I wont be attractive to anyone, I wont be wanted by a man, I wont be sexy, I wont be taken seriously, and all of these feelings have always been in me, even when I was slim, these are the feelings that kept me slim so I wouldn't be rejected, and I feel so rejected right now, no one will want me, I will not be wanted. I have never felt wanted unless I am how people want me to be, their idea of acceptable. I had to stay the way others wanted me to be to be wanted and now I am not that and I feel so unwanted, so rejected and unloved. My weight gain is bringing up the feelings I need to feel, all the feelings I have denied feeling by staying slim. Now is time to feel the truth of how unloved I feel how much I hate myself being like this because others hate me being like it, I am not accepted, I cant accept myself like this because others wont accept me. I have to be accepted by others or I feel like dying. I don't have the love inside me for myself to be ok with this. I am so conditional, I am the conditions my parents put on me, I am only lovable if I am what they want, how they want, if I am their 'will'. I have to be everyone elses 'Will' to be loved, I have to be what they want or I am rejected, I reject myself completely.
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Post by samantha9 on May 25, 2019 18:46:53 GMT 10
Every day now I feel I am becoming more the truth of my unloving and negative self. I feel so empty and so devoid of any love, I feel like a shell with nothing inside it wandering around with no meaning or purpose in life. I feel really awful and cant see the point in anything I do but there is such a longing in me, a nagging and a pull for it all to change but I don't feel it will. I feel so despondent.
I feel I will be like this for ever, I cant see how it can change for me, I will just be stuck in my evilness for ever, being everything I hate about myself. I am becoming it all and I hate it but I cant stop it. Seeing and being all that I have pretended not to be and I don't want to be it, I hate it so much. The truth I have been hiding is horrible, I am not nice at all and I feel quite scared of myself and where all of this will end up. I am seeing how much I really do hate myself and all I did to try to pretend to myself I was ok, nice, kind of pretty, its all bullshit because without the make up, the nice figure, the politeness, and all the other niceties, I am the total opposite to what I give out. What a FAKE!
I am now becoming the truth of it all, more appears every day and I see more horribleness about myself, more shit about me I don't like and have tried to deny that I am like that, I am! No one would like me like this, I wouldn't be accepted like this, I would be completely unwanted and unloved and that is why I have tried so hard not to let it out, its the Jekyll and Hyde that is in me and it scares me. What I really feel and think scares me, I don't like many people but I pretend I do, I smile and say Hi to everyone but I don't really want to but I cant stop doing it, being so false. I am to scared to be true and not to say anything, just ignore them like I want to, I have to be polite as I have been taught to be, I cant be myself, it is naughty and bad, I have to be nice and respectful to every one. Sometimes I go to go outside and into my garden but I stop because I see my neighbour out there and they will expect me to say Hi to them and be all nice just like my parents taught me to be but I don't want to say anything to them, I want them to fuck off and leave me alone and not say a word to me, hate me if they want to at least then we would know where we both stand. I am not allowed to be myself or express my dark side to anyone, I have to carry on the pretence of being nice to everyone and I am so fucking sick of it but I cant stop it, it is now an addiction to be liked by everyone and I cant stop being like it.
Shit my politeness sickens me, it isn't real but I am finding myself doing it more and more lately, or I am just becoming more aware of it as I am healing. I sicken myself at the niceness of me and it is all false, I am screaming inside "why the fuck am I thanking you when I really believe you are the biggest cunt on the planet" I am not allowed to show how I really feel and it is so maddening as I respond nicely to someone else when I don't want to but I am so programmed to be nice to them. I am not allowed to hurt anyone by saying how I really feel because I wasn't allowed to do that with mum and dad, I had to keep them happy by being respectful and polite with such good manners and never showing any anger or disagreement to them, that was not allowed at all so now I cant do it with anyone and get treated like a fucking doormat because I was a doormat to my parents. Fuck it all, Fuck them all. I hate everyone, I want to fucking scream how much I hate everyone and this hate has always been dormant inside of me but now I am letting it out. I am becoming aware of just how much repressed and supressed childhood denial is inside of me and it is not nice at all. The truth of how I feel is not nice, its ugly, racist, judgemental, horrible, fatist, skinniest, jealous, and probably ever horrible word that I cant think of right now because I am so fucked off. I am it all, I am the worst of the worst on the inside and it is all coming out and I cant stop it, it is scary because I don't know how bad I might get, just how horrible am I? just what is the extent of my denial of how I truly feel? I am scared of it but I want to know all of me so bring it on!!
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Post by samantha9 on May 26, 2019 20:02:48 GMT 10
I woke up today with a horrible acidy feeling in me I went straight for the toast to stop the feeling so I am still not wanting to feel. I ate the toast and the acid feeling went but ten minutes after the feeling came back and I realised that I use food to stop me feeling bad, food is like medicine to me, it stops me feeling bad. I want to get rid of those bad feelings as quick as I can and I use food to do it. I can remember mum saying to me "maybe your hungry" when I had weird feelings so I learnt to go straight to food to get rid of my bad feelings and I am still doing it now, which I knew but I have felt it as a deeper truth today just how I use food in such a wrong way, I can really see it.
Food will make it all better, take all the horrible feelings away and make me feel happy and good and my wrong use of food has really ramped up lately, got so much worse for me, it is my 'go to' all the time, like it is all I have as no one is interested in listening to me when I am in pain, I have no release so my release is food, it settles me and I feel that if I had a listener who cared I could go to them to express myself but I don't have that, I only have food to comfort me and make me feel better. Food is something I can drown my sorrows in and I had no idea I had this food addiction because I supressed it all my life by dieting, I denied my addiction and now it has come out and I am feeling my way through it, its been a shock how I have denied it all these years.
My greatest relationship has been with food when it should have been with my parents, No God but my parents kept me from them. Food is my substitute for them, it gives me what they couldn't, comfort and good feelings, I commiserate with it and I celebrate with it, like a reward because I don't have the support or sympathy from them so I have to get it somehow.
I am saying all this, things like "because I don't have their Love" but I don't want it, I don't want my parents love. I must do somewhere in me but right now, it repels me the thought of them wanting to be close to me and if they told me they loved me, Yuk, no way do I want to hear that shit from them, I would retreat as far from them as I could. I cant bare the feeling of them trying to love me as they feel they do, they are convinced they love me and it is all in me that I cant receive love from anyone but if it was in me right from my conception, I would want to be loved but I don't, no way, no fucking way. The more I am healing and being true to my feelings the more I am feeling how unloving I truly am, I cant give it or receive it and I don't want to, I run from it and that is how they have made me because I didn't feel any love from them. I don't want anyone to touch me, I just want to be true to my unloving state. Today I feel of no love at all, cold and dead inside just left with the burning acidity that eats away at me and I use my substitute for love, Food, to calm it. Yes, I know I am totally fucked, this is me underneath all of that pretend niceness, there is nothing of Love just the acidity of my unlovingness that burns away at me.
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Post by samantha9 on May 27, 2019 4:27:58 GMT 10
Trevor and myself just had some food and he said he hated feeling full. He said he was ok with'feeling empty', he didn't have a problem with it.
I cant stop thinking about what he said and it shocked me that he is ok with feeling empty. I wish I was ok with it. I cant be empty for to long or I go into a really bad way, like all of my blood sugar is draining out of me and I feel like I am going to die, it's that bad. I wish so much I could be ok with emptiness.
The more I am healing the more I am becoming aware of my constant need for nourishment because I am so scared of these empty feelings if I go to long with out food, I feel like I will collapse if I dont get to food. I am far from being ok about being empty, it scares me to not be able to get to food for to long incase I start feeling bad. I feel so hopeless, I really do, like there is no hope for me as all of my addictions are surfacing for me to see the truth of and it makes me feel fucking hopeless. Needing to have food or I will die, that is how it feels and I hate being like this but it is terrifying when it happens.
This is the extent that I am without any love and when I don't have food, I am forced to feel my emptiness and it feels like I am going to die. It is the emptiness of feeling so unloved and dead inside because of that. If I had the love of my parents in me from my conception, I would feel full and nourished with their love but I feel the opposite and have to use the wrong nourishment to substitute what I dont have from them. It's so fucking sad that I need, depend on food to keep me feeling full and loved and alive. I have no love in me, I am so empty all the time and the nourishment I need is not food but love. I cant have love so i use food.
When trevor said he was ok with being empty, i felt jealous, i want to be like that, ok with it but i am so far away from being ok. I feel so fucked up and i am getting worse as i know more truth about myself. I have to stay full so i dont have to feel how awful being empty feels. Empty is the truth and I dont want yo feel it, it's to scary, it will kill me, I feel like I am dying I am so empty and so without the fullness of love that keeps me content, satisfied and full.
I need to be full so I don't have to feel the pain of emptiness. Emptiness feels so weakening, like I will collapse and die, like all of my life force is draining out of me, every inch of my energy is leaving me and I am left as a shrivelled up sack of skin that every one walks over, not caring a shit about what is happening to me, no one wants to know my pain and emptiness. I am alone with it and if I feel it I will die. Emptiness is bad, terrible and I must never let myself feel it so I must keep picking at food throughout the day to keep the pain at bay. To not feel it. My addictions protect me from my pain and feeling so empty.
Picking at food keeps me topped up, a biscuit here, some chocolate there, all day it goes on just to stop me feeling bad and it has got worse, I cant control it. This is how bad I feel, so without love so I turn to food to give me those good feelings and I wish it would end, I hate being like this. I cant do anything about it because that would mean going back to using my mind to diet instead of feeling my feelings as I am now, all of these bad feelings would be denied again and I would lose weight and feel good about myself for a while until the compulsions got yo strong again and I start picking at food and putting on weight, then back to dieting again. This has been the cycle of my life. I can never stay slim naturally because my emotions wont let me, they are their and can only be denied for so long before they come up again for me to feel. Dieting is such a painful denial of what you really want and of your feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on May 27, 2019 18:50:46 GMT 10
My parents took my life force out of me, my will, until I felt so empty I was left with nothing inside of me so now I replace that emptiness with food.
Shit I know I am really going on about this but it is huge for me and now I am no longer on a permanent diet, all of my bad feelings about how much I actually do need food are surfacing. It is boring I know, it is fucking boring for me to keep going on about it but I want to heal all of these terrible bad feelings, I want to one day be ok with them so I have to go on and on about it all as it comes up.
I can actually remember the times and how it felt to be so drained of my life force energy and it felt close to dying so many times, really terrible and I have always felt like I have needed food to make me feel better again. I can remember wanting to have someone care about me as I was feeling so bad but I never got it. It happened to me in London once when me, Harry and the kids went for a day out, all of a sudden I came over feeling so weak I was about to collapse and we were sitting in a Chinese restaurant at the time and all our food came up but I couldn't touch it I felt so bad. Harry just got frustrated with me, not sympathetic or concerned, I was just being a pain. No care as I felt like I was dying, I just wanted to be at home, safe and have a good cry. No one gave a fuck. At this time I felt all of my life force energy slipping away, like out of me and I had had that feeling all through my life, like my soul was shrivelling up to nearly nothing with the unlovingness of how I was treated, I was giving up, that is how it felt. I feel a part of me actually wanted to die and just give up, I couldn't do it any more, it was like a fight every day to feel some kind of love.
Over the years, when I have felt this horrible feeling I have turned to food to stop it and now my fear is without food, I will die, if I cant get to food I panic because this horrible feeling may come and I will die. So food has become my saviour, it is all I have because I don't have love. I have to end it here, I need to go off and cry about this, I feel so hopeless, like I am hanging on to life by a thread and that thread is my addictions and if they go I am dead.
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Post by samantha9 on May 27, 2019 19:34:20 GMT 10
I am back, that felt so good to cry it out how hopeless I feel and how I feel like I cant do anything about any of it, I cant stop myself eating like I used to and I hate the weight I have gained and I just told all of this to Mother and more truth came to me.
I have to gain the weight I have because it has made me feel how unlovable I am to all men, I will only be loved if I am perfect and pretty and good, Just how my parents want me to be so now I have gained this weight I can feel how they truly felt about me not being their perfect child. I can feel how I am rejected by all men and I have needed to feel this to the extreme that I am feeling it at the moment because it is how dad felt about me and every man on the planet, to me, is my dad and being a bit overweight will make me feel the rejection I felt from him. I could never be good enough to feel his love for me. I have never felt good enough for any man so I kept myself slim so they would fancy me and want to be with me, so I was acceptable and wanted because I needed to feel wanted as I didn't feel wanted by dad so I looked for it in other men, older men. Now I have gained this weight I am no longer wanted, and this is just the feelings I have needed to feel, the ones I have denied feeling from my dad and now I have no choice but to feel them as I am everything a man wouldn't want and these are the feelings I have felt from dad all my life but denied.
The weight gain is helping me feel unloved, the truth, not just by my dad but my mum also, she always was so skinny and if that is how my dad liked her then that is how I had to be also and now I am not so slim, I can feel the truth of them both. If that makes sense. I keep going off into confusion then back into clarity, not getting it one minute then it all being perfectly clear to me the next. Its all so intricate, our feelings are so entwined and messed up like a matted know of hair that I am trying to comb out. All so hard and painful and I cant believe I am going through this much torment at the moment trying to get to the truth through my feelings.
Thank you Harry for giving me this time to do my Healing, he is still paying for me to live as I do even in death. His money has payed for me to stay at home and do nothing but my healing and I am so grateful to him for still supporting me in this way. In December it all ends and his money runs out for me and I don't know what will happen after that but it has given me the time and security I have needed to do my healing.
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Post by samantha9 on May 28, 2019 1:28:37 GMT 10
I am seeing more clearly today just how terrible my relationships have been with men, how untrue all of them have been and all of them based upon my relationship with my dad. I have been trying so hard to be who they wanted me to be so they would love me, want me, find me desirable and want me above any other, that is cringey but the truth. I have kept myself slim, fully made up and looking good just to be wanted by men so I can get the feelings I never felt from dad, to be loved, adored and wanted so much, above all else and I might have got it for a while but it never lasted, all of them ended because I wasn't getting what I needed from them and they had no chance anyway because as soon as they might love me, I was off, I couldn't have them love me, it wasn't in me to receive. All I could truly have in a relationship is for it to be how my relationship was with dad and that was an unfeeling one, all of my relationships were doomed to fail from the start, I could never have that glorious loving relationship, it was all a fantasy of mine, a dream of how it should be. I got the truth every time, great at the start but it soon turned to shit, I could never have the love I wanted because it wasn't like that with dad. It all sounds a bit incestuous, I know, but it is nothing like that. My relationships could only be reflections of the failed one with my dad, giving me pain and bad feelings all of witch I already had in me but denied, these relationships brought them all up but I was so unaware that they were the painful feelings I had in me as a child because of my unloving relationship with me dad. The devastation of not being wanted or loved had to show itself in all of my relationships until I got it.
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Post by samantha9 on May 28, 2019 18:30:20 GMT 10
Oh my God, so much deep shit coming up for me. I am realising how in each moment I am in shock, like something so shocking has happened to me and this shock causes me to not remember or be aware of what has just happened.
I went to the post office to post some stuff today and when we had finished I was still standing there waiting for my change £4.55p. The post office lady said "Is there anything else" because I was still standing there waiting, and I said "No, sorry, thankyou" I went out of the shop and felt like a complete idiot because she hadn't given me my change and I didn't speak up. I am a bit intimidated by her, I can feel her and she has a lot of anger and it scares me, just like my dad, so healing is every where and in every one I meet. I got home and felt like such a wimp, I submit to everyone, I am scared of everyone and cant stand up for myself.
When I got home I realised I had forgotten another parcel I had to post so I went back and I thought this is my chance to tell her she didn't give me my change, so I got there and as I approached the desk the vision came to me of her giving me my change and I felt relieved that I remembered but it had completely gone from me and I would have bet my life on her not giving me my change. How did this happen? I am in shock at how that moment had disappeared from me and I suddenly felt the shock of having to approach her and that shock and fear took over and our interaction left me, was wiped from my memory of her giving me my change and then having to tell her and confront her. it was to shocking for me.
I feel like I am in constant shock with my interactions with people, I am so scared of them that it is like such a terrifying interaction that my mind wipes it clean from me and I don't remember parts of it and then something will happen and it comes back to me and I am shocked again that it had gone like that.
Shock is in me, I feel so shocked all the time and as I am healing I am seeing this shock come to the surface. It has had to be supressed and brushed aside because it is surprising to me and like a madness and a momentary amnesia, scary. It is scary to realise I have completely dismissed something that has just happened to me and now I am wondering how much more there is to come back to me as I heal. I am still amazed, right now, in this moment that I didn't remember that she had given me my change, where had that moment gone? and my terror of out interaction, that I have supressed, has blocked out important parts of it but the good thing is, it made me feel. I felt, on my way home in the car, I am such a fucking submitting wimp to not say anything to her, I cant confront anyone I am so scared of everyone and that is because I couldn't confront my dad about anything, I could never say I thought he was wrong or be angry at him or even disagree and now I am like that with everyone, I am shit scared of everyone because they are him. My fear is shocking to me, the extent of it and how much I put on a brave face so no one can see my weakness and this is what I did with him, I couldn't let him see I was scared of him.
Two years ago I did tell him I was terrified of him and it killed him, he was so crushed that his own daughter was so scared of him and to this day he is crushed by what I said, he never had a clue and said that if his own daughter was scared of him then he has failed as a father, he has.
I am seeing the real shock in me when I have to deal with people and it is the same shock that I felt when I had to deal with my dad, I avoided it at all costs, he just scared me and I was in constant fear of him, this fear my other brothers and sister say they never felt, yet they are is such denial because I know they do feel it, I see it in them and how they wont upset him and pander to him to keep him happy but they are not aware of their feelings, not being true to them and when they come to do their healing it will be a shock, as it has been for me.
I can feel the shock in me now, I was scared of dad so I was and am scared of everyone, even the post mistress scares the shit out of me, she has the same energy as dad so I find myself being really nice to her and I submit, I can feel myself doing it and I cant help it, I do it with people I feel may attack me so they don't hurt me, I roll over in submission to them, pathetic I know, but it is what I do because I had to do it with dad. I am so pathetic, I feel so angry with myself for being like this and not being able to say fuck you!! I cant, they might attack me and hurt me so I stay small and submissive like a pathetic, whimpering little twat, God I am so fucked of being me, its pathetic. Any sign of confrontation and I go into instant shock, like I am going to shut down, die even. I cant take it, it is to much for me, to overwhelming to feel the attack and pain directed at me, I just want to pass out or die to get away from the pain. It is a complete shock to my system and this woman at the post office makes me feel like that.
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Post by samantha9 on May 28, 2019 19:17:41 GMT 10
I am feeling so pathetic and inadequate right now, this post mistress has brought up so much fear, she is so confident and direct and never lets anyone fuck her about so for me to question her, No way! She scares the shit out of me, she knows exactly what she is doing and has done and I don't, I don't have a clue what is going on in the world or with me. She would have known she gave me my change, she is in such control, I would have swore blind that she didn't and I would have been wrong and she right. What the fuck is wrong with me, where did that moment go? I am so glad it eventually came to me though or I would have said something to her and then every time I saw her there would have been a 'thing' between us, me being the complete dick head and her knowing it.
I am not right, I am never right even when I swear I am, I am not. I get it wrong all the time and it makes me feel so small and pathetic, without any power. Wrong again Sam!! Don't bother asking me I am always wrong. I know nothing. its a shock to see all of the wrongness coming out of me, I cant trust myself to do anything because I fuck it up and how does that make me feel? My soul sinks and the uselessness of me, I feel good for nothing most of the time and not safe to be let out. God I am such a fuck up! I am so wrong all the time so don't anyone ask me anything, I don't know the answer when I used to be so quick and made sure I knew, now that has all gone, I am fucking useless, getting everything wrong and it is a shock to get used to being like this, so wrong all of the time, so incapable, such a cretin, a joke of a person. I need to be bypassed by everyone, don't ask me anything, I have no idea where as once I would have made sure I knew or had a good guess but now I cant even do that. All the power to want to know and be right is leaving me.
I am the powerless one who pretended she had power and now I can see I have had very little. This post mistress made me feel so powerless, she crushed me into the truth of what I am, a dithering, powerless, whimp and those qualities are the truth of what has underpinned my fake power, I am shit scared and cant show it or I will be crushed, rejected, ridiculed, and all the rest of it. I was wrong and she was right, I couldn't take her on because I am to scared of her fake power, it scares me to much so I coward away from her without saying anything, which is just as well because I was wrong, she had payed me. Why the fuck didn't I remember that? it is still bothering me that is just disappeared like that. Why didn't I remember her paying me my change? I am still in such shock about it slipping my mind like that and I nearly confronted her about it. It makes me feel crazy, like I am losing my mind or something. She is in such control, the boss and that scares me so the fear over takes me and I become unaware of what is happening, in a black out sort of thing. Fear takes over and all else disappears and all I am left with is the fear and all that is in my mind is not to upset her, do everything right so I don't fuck her off, she is my dad and this is how I was with him.
Shit, I think I am in a constant state of fear and shock and it is rising in me more as I write this, the truth of it. It is always with me, a part of me, like I have to be like it to defend myself or I will be attacked. I am always on alert and this takes over, this is all I think about, defending myself and everything else I do is secondary to protecting myself so it goes un-noticed by me because the most important thing is my protection, staying in my shocked state ready to escape, run. Yes, this is true, I am always in this state with people, wanting to escape, looking for the exits in case of attack. Worrying about being found out, not wanting the truth of my fear to show, then I have been sussed out, that I am a scared wreck of a person, so weakened by fear of everyone, anyone can harm me and if I let the truth of my fear show, I will be attacked, beaten down like how it was at school.
I never realised that I am like this all the time, as soon as I walk out that door I am shit scared of something bad happening to me, everywhere I go I feel trapped, with no escape if they see the truth of how scared I am, I cant let anyone see it, I will be broken if they do see the truth of me, so rejected and unwanted. Only the strong and tough are wanted and I have put up that pretence all my life to save myself from attack, I thing I have been just like that Post Mistress and now I am on the other side of the counter, I am a blithering, weakened, crumbling, wreck of a person who can no longer be that pretend person and it is all a shock, every step of 'the healing way' has been such a shock for me, every revelation of the truth of me has been a shock, to know it has been inside me all this time has been a shock. But the more truth I am knowing about myself the more I am feeling like a Childhood survivor.
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Post by samantha9 on May 29, 2019 17:01:14 GMT 10
Today I woke up crying. Having the very real vision of me in a council run care home, being old and all I kept saying is 'Sorry' to all of the carers that were helping me. As they cleaned me and helped me I felt terrible, such a pain, a nuisance to them all, like they didn't want to help me but they had to, it was their job. This is exactly how my parents felt about me when I was a child and just how I felt looking after my babies, I hate to admit it as I believed I was such a loving Mother but my healing has brought up the truth of how I felt and how my parents felt about looking after me and it was just how these carers were feeling. I thank my Angels for putting this vision in my mind for me to see and understand clearer how it was for me. Seeing myself as an old lady and being so helpless, relying on carers to do everything for me has heled me see a clearer picture of the truth of how it was for me as a baby. even though I was old I was the baby I once was being changed, fed, washed, walked around, I couldn't do one thing for myself and relied on the help of my parents/carers to do it all for me and all I kept saying was 'Sorry' for being so helpless, such a pain to everyone and I have carried that feeling with me all my life, even saying sorry when it isn't my fault and being angry with myself for saying it, being such a wimp and bowing down to everyone because I am such a pain.
What have I don't to my poor children, I have made them the same with the same pain in them and I am so sorry for all I have done to them, all of what was done to me, I poured it into them making them be like me, like my parents. I have fucked life up for them good and proper and it is agony for me to know this truth, fucking agony.
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Post by samantha9 on May 29, 2019 19:02:54 GMT 10
I am feeling so anchored in with the truth of how it was for me as a child because of how I am feeling now, as a adult, so unloved and neglected and uncared about and when I see how I have been the same with my children, doing it all for them but hating it, not being bothered, its all to much effort, I can see where I got it from, because that is how I have been treated and I have treated everyone in my life the same. I haven't valued any of my relationships, not with men, my children, friends, anyone I have let them come and go without much care really, the love just hasn't been there in me and it wasn't instilled into me as a child.
The vision I had this morning upon waking has made it so clear to me that I haven't been really cared about, it was all just play acting by my parents, pretending they were good parents and I did the same, believing it all to be true when underneath breaking my neck to be free of having to do anything for anyone, I treated my children like then were a burden, as I was treated and that is why in my vision, I was an old lady being such a burden to the carers who didn't want to be there, looking after me, just like mum and dad. The vision cements it all in place for me just what my parents and my intentions were and that is unloving through and through. There is no doubt about it and I can feel the truth of it so clearly. I feel like now I really know for sure, today is the day that I KNOW it is true because I can feel it for sure. I am sorry I was born, I am sorry I was such a pain, I am sorry I was such a burden, I am sorry I was so needy, I am sorry you didn't want to care for me but had to, I am sorry I ruined your lives and I can see myself as an old lady saying the same sorry's to the care staff as if they are my parents.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 2, 2019 18:39:38 GMT 10
Feeling so deep into my hate and shame for myself today. I feel totally disgusted by myself, so much deep, deep hate coming up. The feeling is making me shudder inside, feeling so repulsed and so much shame. I don't want to go out, I don't wat to be seen by anyone, I just want to stay in my house to be with my hatred and shame. I hate everything about me and anything I used to feel about myself was all bullshit so that I didn't have to feel the truth, I have run from it all my life. The hate I feel for myself is so intense there are no real words for it but a feeling that is so strong and raging and fiery burning away inside me. I don't want to look at myself or be looked at I hate myself so much I wish I could just not exist. I want to just disappear, I want to deny myself out of existence, that is how I really feel. I cant believe the hatred I am feeling right now, there is nothing else in me, I wish I didn't exist, I hate myself so much.
The hate I feel for myself is surging up through my body, it is an energy I can feel going from the bottom to the top of me surging its way up in waves and it is horrible because it has a power to it, a rage that makes me want to run, it is really energetic, an anger that wants to express itself with so much power behind it I could smash up the house. But although I can feel that energy in me I sit here in my passive way not doing anything about it, not expressing it because I feel it is naughty and bad to do it how I want to and the neighbours will hear me and tell me off, or call the police that a mad woman is on the loose. I am to scared to express my anger and hate as I need to. Earlier I did it quietly, I was clenching my whole body up and my teeth and growling and hating myself, even grabbing my body telling myself how much I hate it, myself, punching myself and smashing the cushions wanting to do myself some real harm as the anger flowed in me and out of me but still it wasn't how I need to express it but I am still to held back to do it as I need to.
I can feel my parents in me, telling me to stop it, I am being bad and naughty and like when I was a child I had to go off and do it so they didn't hear, telling myself how much I hate them and feeling the same anger surges as I am feeling now. They wouldn't allow it and they still don't, they are in me telling me off about it, to stop being stupid and grow up and all of that shit, fuck I am getting a hot flush now, shit I am burning up just talking about this it has triggered a really hot flush and I am instantly sweating and trapped by it, I cant escape from the heat, I am trapped by it like I was trapped by them and their rules. I couldn't get away, break free from them, I was trapped and I feel the same now. Trapped in my hatred for myself, I cant escape it. I am trapped by all of my feelings, I cant escape from them but as I feel them they get weaker in me.
I hate myself so much, I feel like I wish I could vanish so I don't have to feel anything, just not exist and I feel like all of my illnesses have been like that, not wanting to exist, just to die, to give up and say "ok mum and dad, you win, I give in to you, I will do it all your way, there will be none of me or my will left". I feel so confused, crazy in my mind like a headless chicken, so full of not knowing and self hatred and everything else, so many bad feelings coming at me. I feel overwhelmed with how much I truly hate myself and I feel that I still cant get to it properly so I will keep feeling away at it, asking for Mother and Father to help me get to it, I cant do it without them.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 2, 2019 19:34:09 GMT 10
There is not any part of myself that I love and all that I believed that I loved about myself before was all that my parents loved about me, I was being them to me. I was staying in their ideas of what is loving so I could stay feeling loved and it was all bullshit. It was all like one big bribe that if I stay a certain way then I can be loved but if I go off of that, I cant and now I have gone off of that, I don't feel any love, not even a glimmer of it for myself or from anyone else, I feel completely unlovable by everyone including God. I cant be loved or give any.
I will only be 'Loved' by anyone on this planet if I look a certain way and it is held over the head of every woman like a threat, go away from this picture of what we call 'Lovable' and you are fucked, dropped right in the shit bucket and rejected to the side lines where no one goes. One slight thing wrong and you are judged as unlovable. If we could see the Feelings and thoughts of judgement that go through peoples heads, what they really are Feeling and thinking, we would know the truth, not the shit that comes out of their mouths to hide their true feelings, to hide the truth that they are evil but don't want anyone to know that. They want to stay in the pretence of being lovely people and being liked by everyone when really they are all evil, YES FUCKING EVIL, I SAID IT, EVIL, EVERY ONE ON THIS PLANET IS FUCKING EVIL!! Check out what your feelings are about me right now, what is going through your head about this crazy woman. Fuck you all!! I hate this world and every one in it.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 2, 2019 23:22:42 GMT 10
An angry day, I have shocked myself with the anger that I am capable of when I don't deny it and let it flow out of me as I feel it. Underneath all this niceness is a horrible, angry person and it is so hard to get to it because I have not been allowed to. It still feels wrong to say all of those things I said earlier, I even thought about editing it and taking out some of the anger and horrible words but I don't want to have to sensor myself like I had to at home. I don't want to behave and be nice when I don't feel it, I want to be true and say how I feel.
A few years back I was a hairdresser in a nursing home and some of the older ladies were really rude, violent and horrible, saying it how they felt it and when their children would come in to visit them and settle their hair bills with me they would ask me if I had any trouble with their mum because she had changed and was not the nice, loving mum they used to know but now she was the opposite of herself, the self they knew and loved, now this version of mum was not loved or wanted and sent away to be banished into a care home where they could forget about the evil old cow their loving mum had become. Now I understand what is happening with these old ladies. All of their childhood repressed bad feelings are coming out of them, all the rage and anger that they felt and were not allowed to show is now taking over and they are becoming the monster they always were but weren't allowed to shoe it. All of their denial is coming out and they have forgot the pretend niceness that they had to be for everyone. The truth will eventually take over and have its say so we might as well do it now, connect with out denied pain and let it have a voice and let everyone hate us for it instead of the truth forcing its way up and out of us in the form of Alzheimer's. I think my family already think I have it but I am now being the truth of how I feel and I don't have to put it on for anyone any more and no one likes it. I have even horrified my sister who is visiting from Australia, she cancelled coming out with me and told me I had shocked her with what I was saying and she needs time to get over it. I am healing, its all got to come out and it is.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 4, 2019 6:58:31 GMT 10
Today I have been feeling good and quite happy and I found myself holding myself back, not to be to happy, I mustn't let myself feel to good and I found when I felt good I stopped myself going with it and feeling it fully, even sitting here just now, I felt good, a rush of goodness surged through me and I was scared of it and what it might do to me so I stopped it, I pushed it down because I felt overwhelmed by feeling good. I have been thinking, "why am I doing this to myself, stopping myself feeling good" what am I so scared of, what will happen to me, what will it do to me?
I am scared shitless of feeling good, like it will hurt me, kill me even. It will give me a rush of feelings that I cant control, feeling good makes me feel out of control so I stop it happening so I am back in control again. I am scared of my feelings overpowering me until I am out of control and what will happen to me if I loss control? Something so terrible, I will not be able to breathe, my good feeling will crush me, drown me under them, I will have a panic attack because I am not in control, the panic attack is me being out of control and feeling so terrified because I cant escape from my overwhelming feelings, I am trapped in them, locked into myself and I cant run away from myself, no matter where I run I am always with me, I can run as far as I can but my feelings are always there and I am scared of them and what they will do to me.
I want good feelings but I don't, I am scared of them, I am scared of feeling good. I don't know what feeling good will do to me, I don't trust the feelings. They may feel good but they might not be true, they might be tricking me and it will all end up awful and a huge let down, such a disappointment if I allow myself to feel good. I cant bear the come down of it not being real and true good feelings, all based upon lies and this is why I have such a hard time with receiving Mother and Fathers Divine Love, I am scared of what it will do to me, I am scared of feeling good, its going to hurt me, kill me because I cant take it. Yes, I am feeling right now a feeling of fear about receiving good feelings or having anything good happen to me. Its like whenever anyone won the Lottery, all that money, all I could think of is that I would have a break down, it is to overwhelming for me to cope with, all of those good feelings, to much, No, take them away, I don't want them, they are to much for me, don't let anything good happen to me, I go into panic. Its to much of a shock.
I am used to being disappointed and having bad things happen to me, I am comfortable with that, it is what I am used to and what I can deal with, good things happening to me put me into panic so I don't have anything good happen. I can deal with the bad, I don't have the love in me to deal with the good, I am bad and I can deal with the bad, I am not good so I cant deal with the good. Don't let good things happen to me I am scared of it all, I cant handle it. When anything good happens my heart starts racing like I am going into a panic attack. I would be overwhelmed by Love, I am not Love.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 4, 2019 10:27:29 GMT 10
Such breakthroughs tonight. I have been in tears as I realise how much I have held myself back from allowing myself to feel happiness when I feel it, not allowing myself to feel it. Such sadness has flowed out of me with this realisation. I am allowed to feel good or happy when I feel it but I have felt like I have to stop it. When I wrote that I could see my parents being really serious and talking about their problems and I didn't feel I could be happy when they were so stressed. I had to be unhappy and stressed too and if dad was angry I had to be quiet and not say anything, I couldn't be happy if they weren't and I feel the same now. Like it is bad to be happy or joyous because it would piss them off and I would get shouted at.
I have not allowed myself to feel my good feelings because I was scared to feel them because it would get me in trouble as a child and I am still that scared child not wanting to Express my feelings of joy in case I made my parents unhappy. I felt guilty to be happy around them if they weren't. I still feel I am not allowed to be happy if someone around me isn't so I shut it off and tonight, that realisation has brought me great sadness to the extent of crying about it to Mother.
It has been a huge realisation for me today and me feeling panic about anything good happening to me is all because of this, because I felt so scared of feeling good so I kept it away and didn't Express it. If I felt good, something bad would happen to me and that is from my childhood so it has created a dread and fear in me of being to happy, I have to stop it as I had to with my parents.
It's so good to know more truth about myself and why I am the way I am. I feel so good and I am allowed to feel this way. I feel so free knowing this at last.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 7, 2019 16:28:14 GMT 10
Over the last few days I have felt such a deep sadness in me that is so huge and it is rising. I can almost feel it moving inside me, coming up through the chakras like a huge bolder passing through and it is a hard ball of stone, that is how it feels and how I see it. I keep wanting to cry but it not quite happening yet, it isn't ready, it is still to deep to be felt and then the tearful expression of it, there is a ripeness with feelings and a lot of the time I can feel them rising but as I express them they get to their full ripeness for me to cry about them and then it all releases naturally. I can feel this one rising in me and it is huge. I almost feel sick with it and it might even come to that if that is how I need to express it as sometimes happens.
The sadness I am feeling is playing with me I feel. Like it is telling me "Not yet" because I feel I want to cry but it wont happen properly, I might shed a few tears but it stops. I just feel this is going to be huge, real devastation.
Another feeling is that I am feeling very different, I don't feel like I used to and this has come about slowly but recently I have become aware of it. I told my sister that I am not the same person she knew, I am changed in many ways and when I said that to her I really felt it to be true and it was a realisation for me as well. I am changed, it has happened subtly but it is real and I can feel the difference as I see what has left me, how I used to be compared to how I am now, I am no were near that person and I am so happy that a lot of her has gone. Like I have written before, my sister last saw me 7 years ago and she needed time to see if she wanted to ever see me again when we met up a couple of weeks ago, she was shocked by me and didn't like me. No one likes me being true, or should I say truer! I am not the girl they knew and they don't like this version of me, where has the girl they liked gone, they one they created and could mould to be acceptable! I am nothing like her, I don't even know her now.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 7, 2019 18:29:41 GMT 10
I am feeling so angry. Not because of what I am going to say but in general and this event has triggered it and made me express it. I went to the shops and they didn't have any of my vegan food because the fridges weren't working so I was so fucked off, it put me out, I had to drive to the other supermarket and I was so fucked of, screaming in rage all the way and now my throat is raw and I got home and cried my eyes out in anger and it has helped to shift that anger a little bit. I went to turn on the light in the kitchen and missed it and fuck was I angry, so angry that I punched the light switch and nearly broke my hand so cried some more. I am so angry inside and it is all happening around me to bring it out. I asked the manager of that shop where all the vegan food had gone and he said they didn't have any because the fridges broke down, I wanted to punch his face in, I was so angry with him not having what I wanted and putting me out by having to go to a different shop, I hated him so much because it was his fault, I wanted to blame him and take it all out on him. I just showed him my fucked off face and walked out, got in the car and screamed.
I couldn't have what I wanted and I didn't want to go looking else where for it, I wanted him to have it for me, to give me what I needed, it was all down to him, the shop manager. It was his fault he couldn't give me what I wanted. I saw the fridges completely empty and my soul sank as I knew I wasn't going to get what I wanted, the empty fridge was how I felt inside cold and empty and fucking broken down, it was a perfect reflection of me as I stared at the empty, broken down fridges, that's ME.
This poor manager couldn't give me what I needed or went to him for. He looked at me like there was nothing he could do about it and just wanted to escape because he could see how let down I was at him not having what I wanted, yes, I was let down and fucking angry. There was nothing he could do about it. He was my dad.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 7, 2019 18:43:40 GMT 10
The vision that stays with me are those huge empty, broken down fridges. They are me. That is how I feel. That vision will stay with me as it is just how I feel. They were left alone and ignored because they were broken and of no use like that. No one paying attention to them just being stood there with no purpose or use, good for nothing, a waste of space. I feel like that.
I had to go and get what I wanted from another shop and it was another way of showing me that I have had to go else where to get what I need all my life because my parents couldn't provide it for me, just like this shop situation today, it is a perfect reflection of what I have had to do, go to my addictions to find the feelings I need because I couldn't get them from my parents so I went else where. My parents were pretty much empty to.
All of my anger has been from not getting the love I needed from them and having to find it for myself else where, just like today. That hard stone ball that I said was rising in me today has risen and it is all a mass of unloving rock, it is hard and empty and cant help me and I am so angry at it for being so fucking useless and not making me feel the love I needed to feel, only anger, sadness and frustration. I want you to have what I need, I don't want to go else where for it and I am so fucked off that I have had to do that, it is sad and I want to cry about it, I am very sad and very angry at you not having what I wanted when I wanted it. None of it was on my terms and I feel so fucked off. My parents believe they were such loving parents and I thought they were too until I began my healing and it blew all of my illusions apart to show the truth. THey thought all of my illness and pain was because of me, nothing to do with them, it was all in me and they were at a loss to know what to do with me and to this day they don't get me, they think I have had a mental breakdown and gone round the bend a bit like the rest of the women in our family but they cant see the unloving parenting that has caused all of this in all of us, especially the Women.
I am still that empty fridge, that is how I feel today.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 8, 2019 18:25:11 GMT 10
I am feeling ok today. Quite good actually. It feels strange not to have anything to express so I am going with the lightness I am feeling.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 8, 2019 18:36:06 GMT 10
Something I am liking about myself today is my face, or rather the skin on my face. I don't wash my face anymore, or moisturise it, I just leave it and every now and again, when I am sitting in the bath I wash it but not every day like I used to. I don't do anything to it, not even really look at myself. My face has never looked better and by that I mean my skin is clear, not any spots or blemishes just quite glowy. I like it.
I used to wash it every day and then moisturise and tone and all of that shit, for years I did it but now I don't even wash it and it is such a relief not having to do that any more. Also I have spent my life washing my hair and always conditioning it after, a real routine stemming from my hairdressing days and being told I have to do it so it looks in top condition but about a year ago I decided to not condition it any more and it felt so freeing to be unlocked from that programme which was bullshit anyway. I now wash my hair once a week, sometimes once in two weeks depending on how I feel and my hair is in wonderful condition.
I have for the first time seen how our skin and our hair conditions itself naturally if we let it, the oil in my skin comes through naturally if I stop washing it away every day, that oil makes it feel softer than any moisturiser, it is amazing and my hair is the same, I don't need to condition it because my hair follicles produce enough oil to keep it healthy and I found that if I need more oil all I have to do is massage my scalp and it activates my sebaceous glands in my hair follicle to excrete oil, and there it is, all done for me by my amazing body, all provided for me.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 12, 2019 0:28:26 GMT 10
I am back to feeling how much I hate myself again. I despise looking at myself, I went to see my daughter at work and I looked at myself in her full length mirror and felt like I was dying inside, I hate myself so much I had to look away. I feel repulsed by myself as I look at myself with no make up, the weight I have put on, Fuck it all creeps me out. I don't want to see the truth of how unloved I feel and of how unlovable I feel I truly am, no one could love me. I am so ashamed of myself. I have no worth or value, I am a nothing disgusting person and as I am being more the truth of my unlovable state I feel this to be true, I am not lovable, I cant love myself, no way. There is nothing I even like about myself. I am being the truth of my negative state, no more dieting, make up, perfume, all of that shit has gone and this is what I am left with, the very truth of how much I hate myself being the fucked up me, no more pretending otherwise, this is it and I hate it, I hate me like this but I cant be any other way, this is the truth of my bad feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 12, 2019 1:40:46 GMT 10
I want to hide myself away, I don't want to be seen by anyone, I am to ashamed of myself. I hate who I am and what I look like. I want to make myself so small I disappear to everybody. I cant even imagine liking myself in any way. My image is everything and it has all gone and I hate myself. I know image shouldn't matter but I feel it does to me, it has been what I used to attract people and stay feeling good about myself and now it is gone and I am devastated I no longer have that attraction. It made me feel good by looking good and now I feel shit because I look shit and I cant even get to any good feelings about myself. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself and I feel so devastated that I feel this way about myself, I had no idea that I hated myself so much but I do. I don't want anyone to see me.
I have been asking Mother and Father to help me feel the truth of my bad feelings and this body image thing just keeps coming up for me to feel and it is so bad, so terrible. I feel like I want to die because I have put on this weight and it isn't even a lot but I feel it is compared to how I used to be. I wish it didn't mean so much for women to be slim and attractive and put all of my worth into how I look. I wish I could be different and love myself with this extra weight but the truth id I cant I hate it so much and it really bothers me, I hate myself like this, I cant express how much I hate it, I hate, hate, hate it, I hate me like this, I hate me full stop. I cant bear myself, I detest every part of me and I feel so worthless to everyone like this. I don't know how to get over this, all I can do is keep going on about how much I hate it and how it makes me feel. I am sorry to anyone who may read this boring shit that I keep going on about but to me it is devastating.
I thought I was fairly nice looking if I am honest, I am embarrassed to admit that, it seems big headed but its the truth. I felt I was ok looking with a nice shape and I used it all to make me feel good and now it has all gone and its a fucking shock to me and I feel shit, really shit that all of that illusion has fallen away and I am left with the truth of what was underneath all of that. The truth is fucking horrible, I hate it, the truth of how I look, I hate it so much. I hate the truth that I am seeing about myself. I fucking hate TRUTH!! it is ugly and unwanted and not lovable, not desirable, not attractive, not sexy but fucking ugly and gross, I hate the truth that I am, I hate it so much it is so fucking gross and I am so fucked off and angry about having to be the truth of my pain, I mean really having to physically be it and experience it all for me to feel it and heal it. Its devastating and shocking what has been lurking underneath all of my untruth. This is how much pain I have been in, my body is the physical truth of all I have denied, this is how unloved I feel and my body is the living manifestation of that truth and I fucking hate it.
I hate myself so much, I just want to not exist any more to anyone. I am to ashamed of myself to be seen. There are no words to express how bad I am feeling and I wish it would change for me, I want to change so much but I have to go on and get to the end of my self hate and how I feel about myself is doing it.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 12, 2019 6:01:16 GMT 10
Feeling more absolute hopelessness about not being able to stop myself eating. Why do I want it, I am not hungry but I need the pleasure of it in my mouth, how it tastes, oh my God it tastes so good and gives me so much pleasure. This pleasure is a constant need in me, it protects me against feeling bad, the pleasure of the food defends me against my bad feelings. Food is my protector. Food is like a release from the nagging bad feeling in me of constantly wanting something to make me feel good, food releases me from pain and discomfort, it satisfies me. I am overeating to protect myself from feeling bad, from not feeling loved or wanted, it keeps me in denial of those bad feelings, it stops me feeling them, food is my protector and defender, it keeps me in denial of my pain. I just want to feel pleasure all the time, I go to the biscuit jar to top up my pleasure when it gets low and I sink into my pain, I head for the cookie jar or chocolate to make me feel good again and through out the day I need to top up so I, without even thinking about it, keep snacking to keep my pleasure levels up and protect me against feeling the truth of my pain.
My parents did this with me, gave me sweets to keep me happy and quiet so I didn't have to feel my pain and I am still doing it, I am being them, to me and I cant stop it, it is to strong a need in me, to get that pleasure shot that they taught me. I am fucked, they have fucked me up when all they had to do was to communicate with me, that would have been my nourishment, to have them interested in me and what was wrong with me, to want to know and to listen to me, but they didn't want any of that part of me and now I don't either, I don't want to know my pain so I feel it like they did to shut me up and it feels hopeless to get out of it, I cant, I am addicted to feeding my emotions instead of feeling them because that isn't how it was for me as a child. My parents fed my feelings and now I do it to myself. I am so compelled to do it and feel the pleasure from what I eat. it is so fucking frustrating to be so lost to this denial of my feelings and feeding them instead of feeling them. Before I know it I am eating something instead of feeling my pain, I stuff a bit of chocolate in or a biscuit and it is done. Fucking useless, I give up with myself, I cant stop this, I am useless and pointless and feel like I will never be healed of it, I am a hopeless case.
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