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Post by James on Dec 8, 2013 21:46:02 GMT 10
Sunday, 1 December 2013 (I posted this originally on The God Light forum)
An example of using my feelings to interpret my dreams. It all being part of my Feeling-Healing.
Last night I dreamt...
The governmental man in a suit visited the farm of an elderly couple. They only had a small farm and the new law being forced on them meant they had to wire up their farm with solar panels to contribute to the grid. They would receive enough money to survive, the rest being taken from them by the authorities. They felt crushed, it was the end of the farm, which although had always been a meagre and pathetic existence, was still theirs.
I was a fly on the wall. I could sense the anger, resentment, frustration and deep pain felt by the farming couple. A lovely man and woman who’d always done their best, always given freely and asked nothing in return. The ‘suit’ was cold, dispassionate, hard, cruel, delighting in the pain he was inflicting and the control and power he wielded - a spine-less man. The usual stereotypes.
And I was raging, I was furious, yet powerless to do anything. Had I been in the old couples place I too would have had to acquiesce unable to even voice a protest, telling myself, oh well as there is nothing we can do about it, we’ll just have to make the most of it.
I wanted to know the truth of my dream, why did I have it, what is it trying to show me. I want to know through my feelings; not with my mind. I’ve never been interested in dream symbology. I want to really know: how does this dream relate to me and my life, to my life as a child and my relationship with my parents where all my patterns, good and bad, stem from.
And I accept I am all the different people in my dream, they are all reflecting parts of me - it is within me, it is my dream. I am the poor farmers as I am also the horrible uncaring man.
And how I use my feelings to help me uncover the truth they are wanting me to see is like this:
I long and yearn to know the truth of myself.
I fully accept that I feel angry in the dream, so I start there, with my bad feeling.
I own it, fully acknowledge it, I am really pissed-off.
I understand this anger is deeply repressed or buried in me, and now that I’m feeling it, I want to bring it all up. The dream is showing me its hidden within me and I’m disconnected from it, and that’s why I have to dream-feel it. But now I want to bring that unconscious anger up into my waking reality.
The anger is now pushing up in me wanting to come out, it wants to be expressed. I tell Marion about it, I tell her the dream but focusing on all the feelings I felt. Then I emote and express my anger to her: I let it have its say.
And whilst I’m expressing how furious I feel, telling her why I feel so bad, and how much I hate the government man, and how powerless I feel, I long as hard as I can to know the truth my feelings are trying to show me. I also ask God: Please God help me to see the truth of my feelings You want me to see.
And I talk and talk, expressing all the bad feelings I can. And I long and long for the truth to come up so I can see it.
Then the truth starts to come. Instantly, sort of like in a flash, I understand that this ‘suit’ is dad - he was always in his suit. And then I understand how he was the absolute authority in our family being the man. Mum was the immediate authority, but behind her was an even greater power - dad. And then I see I am the couple, I being the child are harmless and helpless. I feel how powerless mum and dad made me feel. They laid down the law and too bad, I just had to accept it and try and make the most of it. They crushed me, they didn’t give a shit about me, they delighted in the power they had over me. They were spineless powerless people who bluffed their way through life using their children as a power base. They really were the pathetic ones. The one who needs such control over another is really the poor one. However I being still their child, feel very poor. And F@#%ING ANGRY! How dare they treat me like that, how dare they be so unloving!
My dream has shown me more of the truth of myself. More of the truth of why I feel bad. My dream has helped me through my feelings to understand a little more of myself, and to live a little more true to myself.
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Post by James on Dec 8, 2013 21:50:46 GMT 10
Monday, 2 December 2013 (A reply of mine to a reply on my dream post on The God Light Forum)
Hi K..., thank you for your rely.
Indeed there is a lot more behind this dream as to what’s happening in my life. I only wrote a little of what the dream means to me as an example to illustrate how I use my feelings to look deeper into myself.
You said: “Might some of the more negative personality traits embodied by some of the characters in your dream, be manifesting themselves in your own personality. For example, the authority figure, and manipulative aspects.” And yes, absolutely, all of them. I am the horrible man as I am the poor farmers, it all coming from my parents, all of which I’ve absorbed and taken on from them. I didn’t write about those more horrible aspects of the dream (of myself) as I thought the post was too long as it was, and I wanted to see if anyone was interested in this approach. And I don’t think I need to inflict all my bad stuff on everyone, most people are put off by the not so good darker stuff.
“Why do you think the dream came to you now, at this moment in your life. Is it possible, that there is a situation playing out in your life at this time that remembering and understanding the dynamic from the past, might be helpful to you in some way?” This dream came now because of how I’m choosing to live my life. I’ve not said anything about it directly on the forum. It is the main element of my spiritual philosophy, something which I am still exploring. It’s very complex, however I will try and give you some understanding of it.
I launched off on my spiritual path wanting to talk to the highest spirits I could. I reckoned they’d know more about things than anyone else, they being over there and surely living them. And I got what I asked for. However I still didn’t feel fulfilled, and more importantly - happy; something vital was still missing. My head was filled with all the new revelation and yet it was all mind stuff, which I wrongly believed would take all my bad yuk and pain away, transforming into a nice, caring and perfect person.
When I met my Marion everything changed. As these things happen, I was begging for it. She said, yes, it’s all very well knowing all those sorts of things with your mind, but what about you, how you feel about it all; and how do you feel, right now in this moment of your life. And to be honest, I didn’t know.
She then helped me to understand that living a true spiritual life was nothing like I thought it was, and that actually we have to want to sort ourselves out, as obvious as that might sound. But what I mean, which she’s help me to see, is that myself (and now I understand it’s the same for all of us), was made right from conception to go against my true self. When our parents interfere with our will, preventing us from expressing ourselves as we naturally want to, they are damaging us, stopping our personality coming into its fullness. And yet we want to please our parents, we want them to be happy with us, to praise us, to love us, and so one way or another we change or adjust ourselves as we are forming to become as they want us to be, which is invariably a false person. This being psychology you’re no doubt familiar with.
So having understood that I was not the real me, that I have been made into a false me, a strange, distorted and perverted person by my false, strange, distorted and perverted parents, I realised I had to heal myself, to change myself somehow back into being the true me. Or perhaps not so much as to change, as I don’t agree with all the stuff about using your mind to change yourself, but to somehow liberate the me, or those parts of me, that are retarded in their self-expression. But how to do that. And as you understand, it requires a lot of intense therapy.
All of this sort of evolved through my spiritual growth, I didn’t want a therapist’s help, I wanted, because I’ve stubbornly believed, I should be able to heal myself, to become my true self, through my own doing. I f----ed myself up (albeit through my forming years and unconscious of what I was doing to myself) so why can’t I un-f---- myself, myself.
Marion introduced me to the term: Childhood Repression (Re: Alice Miller the Swiss psychologist en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Miller_(psychologist)). It being all we experienced during our forming that made us feel bad, and all those bad feelings we’ve suppressed, all because we weren’t allowed to bring them out. So my soul is jam-packed with unexpressed bad feelings and negative emotions all which are causing me all my pain. And I don’t want them in me anymore. So how do I bring them out?
This Marion showed me, and it’s what we are both doing, what we’ve been doing for years now - it being how we live. I decided to follow her, trying to no longer deny a feeling, particularly bad ones, if I could help it. She’s much better at it than I am, and it’s been a hard slog for me every step of the way because my family all but stopped all feeling expression. So to start it, to learn how to do it, has been like trying to get blood out of a stone. I resist all my bad feelings, completely blocking them out.
So the dream is just my daily (or nightly I should say) dream to help me liberate yet more repressed feelings in me, so I can use those feelings to help me move along in healing my childhood repression.
And briefly what we do in our healing is, when we feel bad, in the slightest way, stop, acknowledge it, and then bring it out. We express it to each other. We have made that the priority in our lives. And our lives have adjusted to enable us to do this. So we emote and express and talk about all we’re feeling, all with the aim of trying to use those feelings to take us back into our early life where the bad things happened to us to make us feel bad in the first place, all so we can uncover the hidden truth of why we’re feeling bad. Which then is all to do with uncovering the truth of our relationship with our parents.
And none of it is nice, it’s all dealing with your yuk and bottom line, yet as far as I’m concerned, it’s the only way we can fully heal and liberate ourselves from our untruth. Because as I move along in what I call my Feeling-Healing, my controlling mind is systematically broken down as I come to understand the wrongness I am and the wrongness I’m living. And as I uncover the truth about my yuk, so I am sort of put back together again like Humpty-Dumpty, slowly bringing the real and true me - the me that is hopefully good, true and loving.
So instead of trying to avoid the fire and hell and darkness within me, I am longing for it to come up, to feel bad, to embrace it all, as hard as it is to do; so I can then use those bad feelings to work myself back into myself, to see how it’s all come about: why I am it, and how it’s all making me feel.
So my dreams “are not just a visit down memory lane”, they are the next part in my feeling-healing. They are all very specific, and all to help me uncover more truth about myself.
So for me K..., I now see this healing I am doing as my spiritual path. As the truth of myself comes to light through my feelings, so too does the truth of other things and God. This being, so I’ve come to understand, how we are meant to evolve or grow ourselves out of the self- and feeling-denying state we’re in.
And a p.s: you said “I promised myself that I would never be the same. But on occasion, when I was bringing up my own children. I would catch myself saying and doing things, I said I never would. I would eventually realise what I was doing, and would correct myself. But sometimes in the heat of the moment, when our emotions are churned up, we can exhibit negative traits. Do you see where I am going with this?” And this is exactly what I am trying to become aware of in myself and heal. That all my negative unloving behaviour comes from the negative unloving influences of my parents. I didn’t have children because I felt I wouldn’t love them properly (as they needed to be loved), as I’ve never felt truly loved, this all apart of what’s come to light for me through my healing. And it’s in the heat of the moment, when you are out of your normal controlling mind, when you get a glimpse of the horror that you are and you instantly recoil in disgust mustering all your will to ‘not go there’, that I see is the most important part of ourselves to focus on, to stay with it whilst longing for the truth of it, instead of doing what we’ve been programmed to do, banish it or quickly override with our mind. And for me I had no way out. I had to go there, and so that’s what my healing is all about. Stepping in there, into those mad moments of hysteria and liberating all the repressed feelings driving them. And it has been one hell-ride, but so rewarding. And it’s not over yet.
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Post by James on Dec 8, 2013 21:55:28 GMT 10
Tuesday, 3 December 2013 (And continuing on The God Light Forum)
K..., I strongly relate to what you said about being the first child, copping the lot, and feeling responsible for having to keep the peace and protect your sisters from your parents. It’s soul-destroying to think that as little innocent children we are flung into situations in which we are struggling for survival having to defend ourselves against the very people we so desperately want to be loved by.
I too am the eldest carrying such a burden, however as I’ve come to understand, I was never allowed much freedom to actually do anything about keeping the peace and looking after my brother and sister, so I’ve internalised it all, creating a fantasy of it. And during the past year my healing has been leading me to see that all I want to do publicly, even including posting on your forum, is still my trying to keep the peace. I want people - the whole world, which is really only mum and dad, to stop being horrible and mean, to do their healing and fix themselves up, so they will stop scaring the sh-- out of me and instead love me. It’s such a deep trauma in me, that which I’m projecting on the whole world, because when you are little your parents are the whole world. So my patterns became fixed in place back then and I’m still carrying them out now in my adult life, only I fail to see it’s all to do with only my parents as I try to convince the world to ‘See the Light’.
And this brings me to what you said: “Strangely of all throughout life, I have been drawn into similar scenarios. When you'd think I would have avoided them like the plague. This paradox is something that the more I have come to understand it, the more bewildered I've felt as to why I do it.” And in fact it’s actually very easy to understand, it’s just that mostly we don’t want to see it.
You see our formative years, are just that, we’re forming, coming into being, as you of course know. But if you put yourself back into being the child (that you still are), then just as you grew up learning how to walk, it then becoming second nature, so too did you grow up learning how to keep and enact all your psychological and behavioural patterns. So through each of the stages of your growth, they all compounding as you grew, you developed beliefs, these being the structures your mind set in place to enable you to keep living out your behavioural patterns.
So really as you are still the little child, just bigger and pretending to be an adult, and you are still reacting to the world as if it is your parents, so you are still doing the same things, acting and behaving the same way. And you can’t do anything else, it’s all ingrained within you - the patterns are you! And try as you might by using your mind to cover up all the bad parts that come to your attention, as you said, which is because you are sensitive to your feelings, you can’t always keep the bad feelings away. And you never will succeed in doing so, because it wasn’t part of your pattern.
So why you can’t is just another part of your early life pattern. You weren’t allowed to do it, whereas other people were. So you didn’t learn the stills of being able to completely shut off and block out such bad feelings, which although is a real bother when all the cracks start once again appearing, especially having thought you’d managed to overcome such problems, being closer to your feelings, and although making it harder in life for you, will benefit you in the long term because you don’t have such control over your feelings. You’ll learn more from life, because we can only truly learn through our feelings. And when you do come to do your feeling-healing, when you are ready to seek the whole truth of yourself, then your feelings will be readily accessible, whereas for those people like me who are far better at blocking them all out, they will find it very difficult to break through those controlling patterns allowing their real and deeper feelings to come up.
And I say when you come to do your feeling-healing, because that’s what I believe we all will have to do at some point, be it whilst of flesh or in spirit, because as far as I’ve come to see, it is the only way out of our pain, the only way that does help you move back into the formation of those early childhood patterns, fully accept them, and so change them - and all being done through feelings and not with the mind.
Also K...,
You said, “mind/understanding and emotional/understanding is not the same.”, and that’s such a good way of saying it, because that’s the crux of it, the problem I see so many people have, which I certainly had. So many people feel they are growing in truth and understanding and spiritual awareness and are happy with this, however it’s all only mind/understanding, and it’s not growing in truth, understanding and spiritual awareness from emotion or feeling/understanding. And the Eastern spiritual teachers are the most perfect examples of this. All they teach is so very appealing, as it’s all about good feelings and not bad feelings, doing all you can to stop yourself feeling your bad feelings and transcend them; how to use your mind to control yourself to such a degree that you only feel love, no longer feeling all the bad stuff. And yet if they were looking to their feelings to uncover the truth of themselves, they’d be saying things like you were in your post, talking about all the problems and difficulties they had with their parents, as I can’t believe they all came from perfectly loving families. But all they say, along with all the New Agers and religious people in their way say, is no, rise above it, mind over matter, you create your own reality, so use your mind to NOT ALLOW ALL THOSE BAD FEELINGS TO GET THE BETTER OF YOU. And this is all leading you further from the truth of yourself, it’s all adding to your feeling-denial, it’s all taking you further away from your soul, it’s all helping you become even more untrue. It’s actually doing the very opposite of what one believes it’s doing.
You see K..., you are feeling stirred up by some of what you’ve read in my post, it’s made you go back and think again about your feelings - and the bad ones, and about your relationship with your parents. And if you use those feelings, talking about all they are making you feel whilst longing hard to uncover their truth, asking God to show you what He wants you to see from them, you will, so far as I’m concerned, be taking far bigger spiritual steps than someone who is sitting on their bum making up pretty visualisations for themselves, deluding themselves they are getting somewhere spiritually and growing in truth because their spirit guide might tell them something like: ‘It’s all about love’. Of course it is all about love, yet what’s wrong with us is we’ve not been loved as we needed to be loved as we formed. And it’s in all those terrible feelings that have resulted from feeling so unloved, all which are still swirling around inside us, that have to be addressed so the truth can be found. And not by repetitively saying some mantra or praying or doing any other spiritual or religious exercise, but by the hard yakka of embracing them, fully accepting them, and then working with them, going with them, to get in touch with ones full misery, pain and agony, all to understand the truth of it.
It’s said, ‘the truth is within you’, and sure, it is, but it’s within all those bad feelings you’re trying to avoid at all costs. And because we’re all doing all we can to avoid them, so the truth is so elusive and hard to find. And yet ironically, we don’t need to ‘look out there’ or ‘climb the highest mountain’, all we need to do is take one of our bad feelings and express it with the longing and understanding that contained and hidden within it is the very truth of yourself you are searching so hard all over the place to find.
The Truth of ourselves, which also contains the truth of nature, life and God, is starring us in the face, we are feeling it all the time, yet it’s in all our bad feelings... and who wants to go anywhere near those!
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Post by James on Dec 8, 2013 22:07:55 GMT 10
Another dream
I awoke remembering only parts of my dream. I was doing an exam for some reason. Something about being allowed entry into a foreign country. I had plenty of time to do the exam, but still felt anxious about it, that I’d run out of time to complete it. Then it was time to stop, I could continue with it later. But then a friend who was also doing the exam said I could keep going for another 15 minutes. He had almost finished his exam whereas I had only just started. More bad feelings feeling I hated and envied him as he could do it so easily, he wasn’t scared of not finishing it. I hated feeling so powerless in these situations - yet another having-to-do-the-exam dream.
As I started to speak about the dream I wasn’t so aware of the bad feelings. I wasn’t really aware of any feelings, it was just another dream with a little anxiety about not finishing in time, although I also felt I had so much time to do it in, so even being the slowest I would finish. But then I felt bad about saying I was the slowest. And I wondered: why was I? Why was I always trying to race to catch up to the others; how come they could all do it so easily? Why was I always so scared of doing the exams at school whereas the other boys didn’t seem to worry about them.
I’d talked about all of this before from other exam dreams and didn’t feel that was what was important this morning; so what really was it: I longed to the Mother and Father to help me see the truth of these feelings They wanted me to see.
Then Marion’s and my discussions led me to suddenly feeling contempt for the teachers at school. I realised in the dream I felt contempt for the foreign country’s officials who had set the exam.
Marion said I have contempt for any authority.
Then it struck me that I do, and including mum and dad. And it was Gran who helped me feel this way about them. She said they were childish, behaving as irresponsible and irrational little children, and that I wasn’t like them, I was superior, and not stupid like my mother.
And I could see that I applied the same to my teachers at school. I felt contempt for them, they were dolts, stupid idiots who didn’t know what they were doing, trying to teach a lot of boys who’d rather be elsewhere, playing footy or chasing girls or reading their own books.
And I could then see that from mum and dad, being out in the world I’ve maintained my superiority, feeling contempt for the whole world, for all other people, and especially governments. They are all morons, but not myself, not me and Gran, we know, we’re the best, we’re the right ones, we’re not stupid - we’re not like them. And all of this to cover up my feelings of powerlessness. Mum and dad made me feel powerless, and so too the masters at school, any authority; sitting exams feeling dumb and stressing that I’d run out of time. It was so much easier to block out all those horrible bad feelings pretending to myself that I was better than all that, better than them, deriding and scorning them with my contempt. And so I know a little more about myself. Oh yes, thanks to my dream I can add to my list of how I’m not a nice person - contempt. It’s not a word I ever use or am familiar with, but now I know a little more truth about myself: I am contemptuous. I admit it, and accept it, as much as I don’t want to be it.
And so now: how do I feel about being contemptuous? More bad feelings to accept, express and long for the truth of.
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Post by James on Feb 22, 2014 21:32:41 GMT 10
I dreamt of an old girlfriend - again.
I was with an old girlfriend again in my dream. In real life she had been the ‘love of my life’. But it hadn’t worked out - she was married, I was too immature.
In my dream last night I came upon her in the street. Her hip was bad, she was limping, she’d been involved with an aggressive man. She lay on the bed sick and tired, I put my hands on her hip ‘healing’ her. I could feel the warm energy flowing into her. It’s what I always did: comfort her. I didn’t hug her this time, and had no sexual feelings, not even feeling the usual good feelings being with her, as I’d always had with her in my dreams; the feeling this time with her was more one of duty, it’s what I did, I was just there to comfort her. She never turned to me, never showed she actually wanted to be with me, yet accepted me being there with her. When we parted she said, ‘You do know I’m devoted to you...’ and that was it. She didn’t show me she was devoted, she never had. It was so odd, such an odd thing for her to say. I didn’t feel anything, what was the point, it was never going to get anywhere, it never had. She was never going to come and be with me, I didn’t even think I needed her anymore - but I did. In speaking to Marion about the dream, it was obvious through my feelings that it was yet again mum who was being represented by the long lost love of my life. And it was mum saying she was devoted to me, that she loved me and yet never made me feel like she really did love me. She never approached me, I was always having to stay with her, and even in my child way, look after her, not her looking emotionally after me. And there was always the promise ‘if you’re good, I’ll be with you’, so I tried to be good, always waiting for her approval and praise - but it never came, and I’m still waiting, as my dream and feelings to do with her are showing me. The more I talked about all I felt, the more I felt myself falling down into the depths of despair, what a bloody hopeless situation to be in, always waiting for my mother to carry out her promise of loving me, and not feeling like I can even begin my own life until she does. And in way never really feeling like I’ve even been born, still waiting for the big event, when she turns to me and says, yes, I will be with you now, now I will love and nurture you, and no longer: ‘hold on a minute darl, I’ve just got to phone...’
And what I want to point out in this dream was that I didn’t feel the despair when I had the dream, it was more just a resignation to the fact that it was same old deal and nothing was going to come of it, so really why did I bother. But once I started talking about it with the aim of expressing all I felt so I could see what truth those feelings were to show me, then I started to connect with what the dream was really all about - the despair I felt in my relationship with her. That I have always been falling down into the blackness, the nothingness of no love, always living there, yet always trying to dismiss such bad feelings under the misguided belief that she did really love me and was there for me - even devoted to me, and would show me - one day. All because she said words to that effect, words being all I had to cling onto, yet empty meaningless manipulative words, all designed to keep me wired into her, always waiting on her for her acceptance and her to come to me, all so I could then begin my life. And the more I expressed my despair, talking about how it made me feel, just letting the full emotion of it overwhelm me, the more I felt that really I was still in her womb, that I have never been separated from her, never born into my own separate existence from her. And yet here I am not having see her for seventeen years now, and here living with Marion, in a house ‘living my own life’, and yet I’m not, on deeper levels I’m still enveloped within her womb, there for her, and waiting for her to be there for me - to be with me. So no wonder I feel so fucked in life and so unable to get anything happening, I can’t, I was too paralysed before I really got going. And the more I look to my dreams to show me parts of myself, the truth of myself and my relationship with my parents, the more they do. I only speak about the dreams that stay with me after I’ve woken up, it’s like they want me to talk about them as they don’t just fade away as the day progresses, they keep being up in my mind, and staying there until I do speak about them. And the more I get to know myself, the more a small dream can lead to huge insights. This dream led onto much more, Marion and I talking for three hours as we both saw more things about me, and as I moved deeper into understanding even more how bad and unloving my relationship with mum was. But I can’t write about such things, they’d fill a book, and yet it’s only one morning like all mornings with yet more truth coming to me as I express my feelings.
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