My healing? - Mage
Nov 3, 2013 21:54:23 GMT 10
Post by James on Nov 3, 2013 21:54:23 GMT 10
Hello forum. I want to try and share my experience today with the forum to see if it helps me with my healing.
Today I went and had lunch with my mother at our favourite cafe. She ordered a coffee and I had a soda and she said I shouldn’t drink that as it had too much sugar in it. And that made me feel very angry with her. How dare she tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. I’m no longer a little girl as that’s how she was treating me. I didn’t tell her I was angry, I didn’t want to upset our lunch over such a small thing like that; after I left her I became more and more angry. I was furious with her by the time I got home. I told me room-mate about it and she was good and just listened to me, usually I don’t want to burden her with my bad feelings, we’re not that close. But as I said, I was so angry with my mother. I don’t tell her how she should be. And it’s not as if I don’t know about how much sugar there is in the drink, but it was what I felt like having as I’d had a hard time at work and felt like I need something to pep me up.
I felt like yelling at her ‘How dare you tell me who to be! Who do you think you are! What right to have to do that - just because you are my mother.’ I felt so infuriated, and I’ve never felt that way about such things with her. But it just came up in me, and so strongly, I couldn’t keep the feelings down.
And you know, as I’ve been writing this, I’ve begun to feel that this fury in me, as I can still feel it now, is not actually such a new and foreign feeling to me after all. If I admit it, I can now remember that actually I feel a lot like this with my mother, so angry with her, but I don’t allow myself to feel such feelings, I very quickly dismiss them. Yes, I come down very hard on myself saying no, not now, not here, it’s not right, and things like that. And things like, don’t let it get to you, it’s no big deal, it’s nothing to make a fuss over; and I don’t, I let it go and it’s just mum, it’s how she always is.
So I guess something is happening, I am waking up to how I really feel. It still scares me, but I do want to see what happens more. Thank you for listening - reading.
Mage.
Today I went and had lunch with my mother at our favourite cafe. She ordered a coffee and I had a soda and she said I shouldn’t drink that as it had too much sugar in it. And that made me feel very angry with her. How dare she tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. I’m no longer a little girl as that’s how she was treating me. I didn’t tell her I was angry, I didn’t want to upset our lunch over such a small thing like that; after I left her I became more and more angry. I was furious with her by the time I got home. I told me room-mate about it and she was good and just listened to me, usually I don’t want to burden her with my bad feelings, we’re not that close. But as I said, I was so angry with my mother. I don’t tell her how she should be. And it’s not as if I don’t know about how much sugar there is in the drink, but it was what I felt like having as I’d had a hard time at work and felt like I need something to pep me up.
I felt like yelling at her ‘How dare you tell me who to be! Who do you think you are! What right to have to do that - just because you are my mother.’ I felt so infuriated, and I’ve never felt that way about such things with her. But it just came up in me, and so strongly, I couldn’t keep the feelings down.
And you know, as I’ve been writing this, I’ve begun to feel that this fury in me, as I can still feel it now, is not actually such a new and foreign feeling to me after all. If I admit it, I can now remember that actually I feel a lot like this with my mother, so angry with her, but I don’t allow myself to feel such feelings, I very quickly dismiss them. Yes, I come down very hard on myself saying no, not now, not here, it’s not right, and things like that. And things like, don’t let it get to you, it’s no big deal, it’s nothing to make a fuss over; and I don’t, I let it go and it’s just mum, it’s how she always is.
So I guess something is happening, I am waking up to how I really feel. It still scares me, but I do want to see what happens more. Thank you for listening - reading.
Mage.