Loving parenting?

I see and hear this all the time James,tortured children having tortured children. I call it the battle of the Wills but those we look to as being our gods, always winning and the child always being wrong, how can a child be wrong? I was brought up by this painful regime of control which was labelled love and it is now Viral. Sometimes when I hear it going on I want to intervene but that would then just make it all worse by forcing my Will upon another so I leave it and go home and write about how I feel about it and always arrive at a new revelation once I run out of steam and am totally empty. I have been healing in this way for many years now and am always amazed at the truth it reveals within me, knowing my self even more and loving myself for doing the painful journey of self discovery. Discovering that there is no such thing as Unconditional love only to be found in God and a love so Divine. I now consider myself the daughter of my true parents not my physical Conditional parents, such a painful truth but I have gradually been healing myself away from my physical parents, the journey is about healing ourselves away from the very ones that should have loved us above all else, the very ones that forced there will upon me to the extent to which I never had a clue of my truth, of my identity, there love was control and fear which groomed me into a life of no trust in this world, just fear. I can remember being 16 and after all those years of being controlled then to be told the strings have now been cut, off you go into the world, all I could think was that I couldn't do it with out being told what to do or how to do it, I was in pieces and continued in my world of fear for the next 25 years thanks to the conditional love of my parents. I see many beings suffering the way I did and very sick people everywhere,
I sank to the lowest depths but through my own healing which has been a long arduous journey of expressing every feeling mostly to myself, I am now enjoying the revelations I discover about myself and my forgotten past, I feel I have felt so bad for so long I am now seeing the light and the beauty that is my Truth. When I discovered your writings I came out of my inner world so much more as you have expressed so much of my own pain and journey and let me know that I am on the right track expressing my good and bad feelings and loving them because they are a part of me and telling me so much that is so important, the message is in your Mess I suppose. I have gone on a bit but your work is so vital James. I have always talked to Jesus and Mary and shared so much with them in my darkest times, although not in a channelled way, just me talking to them knowing I am being heard. I am feeling freer every day and now I have found your work I now long for Divine Love which surrounds me at times, I had the feeling of it coming in for many years but didn't realise that is what it was but it felt like true love. Thank you James and Marion for sharing your experiences. xx

Hi James, Yes, Jesus and Mary have been a constant comfort to me as I lived most of my life so within myself, with my own thoughts and feelings and expressing them to myself then I discovered that I don't have to be alone because I have them in my heart to love me in a way no one else ever could, I was not alone. Mary Magdalene first came into my life when I heard the song from "Jesus Christ Super Star" which was called "I don't know how to love him". I said to my sister that it was the most beautiful song I had ever heard and this was in the 80's, she told me it was Mary Magdalene singing it about Jesus as she loved him. I can remember thinking I am so pleased Jesus has a girlfriend as I didn't want him to ever be lonely, like I was feeling at the time, I must have been 15. And I have expressed all my feelings about that as well, my feeling sad over Jesus being lonely, it opened up the acceptance of my loneliness, expressing all I felt and then the truth came, my sadness for Jesus showed me the sadness for the lonely, unloved child that I was. I was so deeply sensitive and thought I would never be able to get to the age I am now in the pain and the tenderness of my feelings. Mary has always been an awareness but I have adopted them as my parents I suppose you could say, as the love I feel for them is how I should have felt about my physical parents but never even felt I existed, they had to much of a struggle in life to give me what I needed. I have never had conversations with Mary and Jesus it is all me talking to them and I feel their love, I feel I am being heard as I get a muzzy feeling tingle through me and it feels like love, its enough. Over the years I have bought so many books about Mary but one day just stopped reading them as I began to feel that there was no truth in them, all hear say, who really knows, a lot of stuff in them that I began to question and also asking myself why did I want to know so much about her when it was me that I was meant to be researching, me and the truth of my feelings so I st oped the reading and saw it like I was avoiding doing the real work, the books were taking me further away from me, avoiding my healing. Every night I ask Jesus and Mary to reveal to me the truth of my feelings and every night I receive dreams that to most would seem obscure as dreams can be but they are making me go so deep into my feelings like the layers of an onion, until I get to the middle and there is no more to peel away, then I have it, the truth, but sometimes I say to myself, no, that's not it, that's your mind and you can feel the cross over from feeling to mind, then I go back a bit and go back into the feeling and pick up again. All the time supported by Jesus and Mary and now including The Divine Love I feel I have the complete family working with me, its amazing. Since reading your writing about Divine Love I have been including and longing for it as much as I can , it has been only recently that I have begun to feel it flowing in when I ask, its amazing, and I know the feeling because years ago I would get the same feeling but never knew what it was so I think I have been receiving it as I talked to God a lot. I have journals every where with my expressing of my feelings in them, some are full out ranting, some are desperate pleads to Jesus and Mary and God to show me the truth of why I feel so awful at times, all things I never felt I could express to a living soul only Jesus, Mary and God. Then I had to look into that feeling too as to why I was so scared to let anyone know how I felt and it all came down to the same end, not being loved but controlled and put in fear of being my true self because it was not how they wanted me to be, my will was not their will so I would get told of for expressing my true self feelings, I know you get it James. Some times I think with my feeling healing that I know what the answer is so why do I keep putting myself through the expressing, but to see the journey my feelings have taken and what feeling led to a deeper feeling is incredible in its revealing, there is no short cut to the pot of gold which is your truth. I talk to others about healing and how I do it and some are so interested, its just so hard getting the mind out of the way but with perseverance it happens, my mind led me into the darkest places and nothing could ever scar me as much as I can scare me, all because of the fear and terrifying fact that because I was not loved by those I saw as Gods, my parents, I led a life of never feeling safe in this world, I had no safe place, the world was dangerous without the safety of love as I was never taught Love but fear, so that was how I lived, in fear of myself, people, places, the world all I thought was what have I been born into, it could have been so different if I had been shown Love, Trust, and security. The hardest thing to come to terms with is the fact that you were not loved, there is no greater pain and no greater illusion than the lie of those words "I Love You". I heard it but never felt it. Since doing my healing I have begun to feel it within me but there is still more coming up, always working on myself and keep a pen and paper with me every where I go and no matter where I am it all stops for me, so I can write the feeling down and work on it later, its my life. xx

Wow, all of that has been so helpful to me, confirming I am doing it right, my greatest mission is to heal as much of my repression this side of life because I would like a bit of release when I get to where ever I am going. I only came to Divine love through reading your work James, I have been asking the Holy Spirit to bestow upon me its love and just be there for me when times get so tough I feel I cannot go on, it is truly my comforter, my strength of love like a security blanket for Gods Child. I have read some of the P Messages but never know of thewm before I read your work. The URantia Book was a first for me also and I had to buy it, Man, its a size but incredible, the bits I understand. I do think of God as my Mother and Father but only recently including the Mother aspect and realising that balance has now been addressed in my life, it didn't feel complete before but now I speak to Mother and Father as One. I have never felt a need to be religious and often cursed religion for stealing God, Jesus and a little bit of Mary, they have stolen them and held the hostage for all these years and put out the threat, don't anyone dare use there names, now when you speak of God Jesus or Mary I have to back it up with "Not in any Religious Way" because as soon as you talk about them people think you have turned into a religious nut, or is that just me. I really hate having to do that, explain myself, something else there to work through later, explaining myself, it never stops ha ha. When I said I feel Jesus and Mary in my heart, I feel them embraced together in the place where my heart should be, it is pure love, I feel it and I visualise them and their energy, it is the feeling I was missing, the love I was missing, the missing part of us all, the feeling we should have got from our physical parents and we have spent our lives searching for it in all the wrong places and people hoping that we can find a relationship, ritual, practice to find that feeling in, all because we never got the feeling of love we needed from our parents we spend our lives in the eternal search of our missing love, I find it in Mary and Jesus, it was the love I was needing and it cant be found anywhere else. I have that search of love to thank my physical parents for, if it wasn't for the unloving state I was born into I would never had done the journey and found my love. I'm not in a constant state of love though, it fluctuates and sometimes I don't feel it at all so then its time for going back to the beginning and then sometimes I think I have not grown at all because I will look at my behaviour and think "come on Sam, you know better". I only have to feel Jesus and Mary and the love that they love me when I am good and when I am bad, its all ok and I will not get told of, there is no pressure on me with that knowledge, just comfort and Love. I ask them to bring up what needs to be healed within me and things will occur during the day or night to give me a bad feeling that will take me back to a bad feeling that is repressed with in me from childhood, I just take the feeling right back and it will reveal the gold. This is how I feel they work with me and sometimes I feel so bad and even get illness's to work with, now that can hurt but I thank them so much for working with me in this way, they know I can cope. I went through a tragic experience in 2012 when on holiday with my husband we were walking and the cliff gave way and my husband fell 200 ft to his death, I went through so much and asked God what more do they want from me, but they knew I could cope, they love me. I was confused over why I couldn't grieve properly so had to work through that too all coming down to Not being taught to love but to fear, I felt like a monster for a time there, I thought I had been void of all feeling and this must mean I didn't really love him because I hadn't been taught to love but to fear, this is still a work in progress though, I have to go over it a lot to understand what he taught me including his death, it all reveals to me my unloved and unloving state and more of that is being healed all the time and I hope to help others including children see death in a new way, I thank Harry, my husband, for all the lessons he brought to me and |I see more of them all the time, I ask Mary and Jesus for the truth of those feelings all the time, its the only way I will heal and it is so powerful. As soon as he had died I was alone on the cliff and I felt God fill me with peace, in that moment I surrendered, I didn't understand it at the time but now I know, they were loving me and comforting me right the way through. I will speak more later James, loved sharing with everyone on this forum. xx

Hi James and Marion, I don't mind at all about talking about Harry's death and my feelings about it. The truth is that within that instant of seeing him at the bottom of the cliff I had been severed, cut off from him, I was abandoned, alone, no phone, no money, Harry had the car keys with him, there was nothing or no one to rescue me. That was the point at which I felt the peace fill me and I had no control over anything, I could do nothing to save him, I was breathless like everything had emptied out of me and I had died with him. All to connect me back to how I felt as a kid, all those feelings above being relived in that moment. The peace I felt lasted very momentarily, then my fear kicked in and my complete Evil state was playing out before me, I felt like I was watching myself become the fear stricken child who has just lost her parents as Harry did everything for me just as my parents had done, my safety, security, life line had gone. It was all about me, my husband had just died in the most tragic way and it was all about me, what will I do, how will I survive, where do I go, who will save me and make this better, someone please take this away from me, all those thoughts that I had when I was young about life and the fear of it and not being to cope with the outside world without the control of my parents, it was all the same feelings. It was all so selfish, Evil, based on my survival. I saw myself as never letting up on the selfish maintenance of my own survival even though my husband was dead. The whole trauma showed me how I truly was unloved and unloving, I had been taught well. The rescue helicopter took us to the hospital in Cornwall but I knew he had died because I felt the moment when he passed but the surgeon came in and told me they could not save him then it was true, I had heard it, I went into the maddest anger, which is how I felt with the anger with my parents abandoning me and leaving me feeling so lonely even when we were all together, I felt angry that I wasn't seen by my parents. I said to the doc, Harry would never leave me, I was angry at him for abandoning me and leaving me in a unsafe world, just the same as how I felt as a child in fear, not safe, not secure all connecting me back to those feelings that still went unhealed, I relied on him to make all the decisions as my parents had, I could not live without being controlled, I was afraid to do it on my own because I still was living another's will and not my own, still not knowing my own. I ask for the truth of all I felt to be shown to me and it is, in May it will be 2 years and this past year I have spent understanding the incredible truths that have been revealed to me through Harrys death. The feeling healing is constant and a feeling comes up and it connects me to Harry's death and my feelings at that time and then back to my childhood, a completely incredible healing and the release I feel once the light is shown.
I have thought about connecting with him but I know all is perfect and I am very sure of that, I know and trust my Mother and Father's Love and he is in the perfect place for him at his stage of his healing. I don't feel I need to know because I have so much love and Trust in Mary, Jesus, Mother and Father God, everything Harry and Myself have experienced is because God loves us and wants us to heal. Whilst writing that I was filled with the warmest Love and the knowing that I will be doing a lot of my feeling healing on this side of life, the experiences make so much sense, and so much Bad feelings I have experienced which makes me feel so loved by my Mother and Father because they knew I could cope and Heal them. I feel so much love for my bad feelings because they have been the greatest teacher in helping me to discover my healing power, when you see it all you can feel the magick. Since including Divine Love into my Healing I have an incredible Comforter with me always, its a knowing, a deep inner feeling that you are going to be ok, you are loved and smiled upon by your true unconditional parents, with me all the time. xx

This comment applies to your 4th of Feb post

Samantha, I hope you don’t mind, and it’s not that I want to correct you or play the role of the teacher, but if anything comes up on the forum that I don’t agree with on a technical level - that being how I understand such things, I will point it out. So I’ll value your feedback on this, and tell me if at anytime you disagree because I might misread what you say going off on a tangent.
Also, I’ll go on a bit about it now because I’m going to use this comment (I’ll take out all the parts referring directly to you) to start a new category and thread on the forum.

You said “I have been asking the Holy Spirit to bestow upon me its love and just be there for me when times get so tough I feel I cannot go on, it is truly my comforter, my strength of love like a security blanket for Gods Child.”

Now technically the Holy Spirit is not really a spirit, as I think you’re relating to it, in that it doesn’t have personality, so it itself is not responsive to us. It is just a vehicle, even in a way a mechanism that plays a very specific role, that being conveying the Divine Love into our soul. It is really like a circuit, and a circuit of the Divine Minister who you can read about in The Urantia Book. So we can’t actually get any comfort or feeling of love or even Divine Love, by longing for, asking, or praying to the Holy Spirit to give it to us.

Many people assign personality attributes to the Holy Spirit but it’s wrong to do so, as it can’t speak to us, heal us, it can’t actually do anything with us - we can’t directly interact with it. It’s only a conduit for distributing the Divine Love throughout Mary and Jesus’ universe - Nebadon, which we live in. So the feeling of comfort you are getting is love from the Mother and Father, not actually from the Holy Spirit. It does feel very nice when the Holy Spirit comes about and embraces you, you can feel the intensity of its light, however it’s the Mother and Father loving you as the Holy Spirit delivers Their Love into your soul that makes you feel the warm and fuzzy feeling.

And it’s to them we long asking for Their Love, which They will respond to. We can long to Them asking Them to bestow the Holy Spirit on us, but that’s meaningless and nothing will happen. It’s Them, Their Love we want, we want to be loved by Them, so we go directly to Them. This being what Jesus and Mary want us to understand. It’s ALL ONLY BETWEEN US AND OUR MOTHER AND FATHER. So it’s all love, which is the direct and personal interaction that we’re longing for by longing to Them for Their Love. And we have to reach out to Them because we’re in a love-denial state of mind and will. So we are really affirming to ourselves that yes we want Their Love instead of no we don’t want it. So it’s part of our ending our rejection of Them.

So receiving the Divine Love can make us feel comforted as love does, but really it’s the truth that gives that deep comforting feeling of it’s all right - I AM ALRIGHT, a nice deep inner reassuring feeling of security. Which is why the truth is so vital to us, because even if we were filled with love, natural love or Divine Love, if we didn’t have the security and comfort of truth within us, the love would be floating on nothing concrete, just like air and with no home to go to. So the truth is what we need to build on in our hearts from our soul, the truth giving us that foundation of spirit, that feeling that we are real, we are true, we are a true and real spirit, we are a vital part of Creation, a vital personality, a child of living truth, a truth-child of God. And with our truth secure in us, then the love has something to work on and from; then by feeling so secure and wanted and fulfilled in truth, can we feel truly happy and loved. So it’s not so much that we don’t feel loved that’s our real problem, because we are very much loved, but it’s that we live truth-denying lives which don’t allow the love to make us feel loved - we stop ourselves from feeling loved by ourselves, nature and our Mother and Father.

So I can see from what you said the other day that it’s probably the Spirits of Truth, that are comforting you. And these spirits are like the Holy Spirit having no personality of their own, they just responding to our longing for the truth, which if we use our feelings to seek, will engage within our system thereby helping the truth come to us as it came to Mary and Jesus. Mary and Jesus liberated their Spirits of Truth upon their deaths, and if we long for and seek the truth as you have naturally been doing, then what you’re in effect doing is allowing Jesus and Mary as it were, to come to you via their Spirits of Truth, and comfort you, that being, allowing you to feel good and secure and loved just as you’ve said you do by them, as if Mary and Jesus were with you in person. But as they can’t physically be with us all at the same time should we all be longing to them for their help, so the Mother and Father have designed their soul to liberate their Spirits of Truth to help us all on their behalf if you like.

And because we’re looking to Mary and Jesus, they being the head spiritual personalities of truth in Nebadon, then as we receive the help of their Spirits of Truth, the truth that comes all has ‘their flavour’ to it, if I can put it that way, which means we all end up following them, and being able to relate to the truth and all in the universe and Creation like they do - so in effect we all end up speaking the same ‘language of truth’. So why we have all these different mind-spiritualites and religious systems all saying they are true and some even being helped by the Spirit of Truth is because they are not doing what you are doing, failing to long to BOTH Mary and Jesus, so failing to gain the full benefit of their Spirits of Truth, so failing not to live the truth as Mary and Jesus are. So such people and mind spirits, although they say they believe in Jesus and follow him are not true followers because they are not embracing or allowing his AND Mary’s Spirit of Truth to work within their soul.

So the love and comfort you feel from the truth is one thing, coming as you say you feel from Mary and Jesus, which it is, via their Spirits of Truth interacting with your own soul of truth. And if you’re interested in such things, this is important to know.

And then the love and also comfort you say you are deriving from the Holy Spirit actually is directly from the Mother and Father, They sending Their Love to you via the Divine Minister who activates Her Holy Spirit to bring it directly into your soul.

It’s all part of the various Trinities involved, which if you’re interested in I can go on more about, but I think I’ve gone on enough as it is. However as this just comes to mind, I will go on a bit more as it helps to clarify such things in my mind as well, and it’s so good to see how you’re relating to it all. So the whole idea is that we are to relate on a personal - so personality level, with these higher spirits and God.

So by going directly to the Mother and Father and longing for Their Love and Truth, so we are also engaging - looking to and acknowledging - Mary and Jesus for who they are, and the Divine Minister. All of them being real personalities we can communicate and interact with. So they are the ones we need to focus on, knowing the non-personalities whom we can’t actually interact and communicate with, the Holy Spirit and Spirits of Truth, are just there doing the necessary work in response to and because of our direct interaction with Mary and Jesus, the Mother and Father and the Divine Minister.

So we can pray and long to the Mother and Father to love us as we long for Their Divine Love, and if we long for the Truth, and desire to follow and so be true as Mary and Jesus are, then we can know as we look to our feelings to show us the truth, that their Spirits of Truth will be activated in consequence of that true desire, just as the Divine Minister will activate the Holy Spirit sending it to our soul as a consequence of our direct and true longing to the Mother and Father for Their Love. But we have to long to Them and not the Divine Minister as She will only act on what They want for us. So it all comes down to really just wanting to be as perfect as the Mother and Father are - as it says in The Urantia Book, and all else will follow from that. Then we can do as Mary and Jesus say, to help us achieve perfection, which really means to relate to our Mother and Father as they relate to Them, being achieved as we heal ourselves of our imperfect states by doing our soul-healing.

One thing I’d like to ask you Sam is to please try something for me if you wouldn’t mind. It’s to see if you feel a difference between the Divine Minister and the Holy Spirit on an interactive personality level. So in your quiet time, to ask the Divine Minister to be with you, and ask Her to make you feel She is with you so you know and so FEEL She is a real personality, someone you can interact with, even someone you can love and feel loved by. And then ask the Holy Spirit to be present with you, and ask it too to make you FEEL it is a real personality and see if you can detect or feel any difference. When I do it, I get nothing from the Holy Spirit, just a sort of flat --------, but when I open up to the Divine Minister I get an overwhelming feeling of Her presence, and one of great depth, humour and support. Thank You.

Another thing I often do is when I long for the Divine Love and feel the Holy Spirit coming about me, I open out welcoming the Divine Minister, as I feel her ‘at the back of’ or ‘behind’ the Holy Spirit. So I can sense or perceive Her presence and Her directing the Holy Spirit to be with me. And along these lines its then also quite easy to ‘tune in’ with ones angelic helpers - angel guides, and even the nature spirits, the whole angelic expression of Creation. As the Divine Minister is the ‘Mother’ to all the angels and nature spirits and other such beings in spirit of mind-creation in Nebadon.

I am going through the worst guilt I have ever felt and I put this on the forum because it needs to come out in all of us I feel. The guilt of not loving your physical parents when you have spent a lifetime believing that above all else you have to love your Mum and Dad, honour them and obey them. To ever think of going against them in any way is a sin, at least that is what I felt inside, made to feel I might add. I never realised that underneath this false belief lay the truth, I don't have to Love my Mum and Dad, I have a choice and a truth inside of me that is so scared of showing itself because I feel that it is the final killer blow for Mum and Dad, for one of their children to be true and say to them " I don't feel Love for you both", I felt it a duty to love them, a default inbuilt inside of me that I couldn't go against and I have lived my life in blindness that maybe this default setting inside of me is wrong and only recently have I been able to be true to that untruth and I feel like the biggest shit on the planet, I feel devastated that I don't feel love for them.

Its such a double edged sword, a fight between my mind and my soul about how I truly feel, my mind is telling me off constantly, I can actually see Mum and Dad with every thought I have telling me of for turning my back on them, disrespecting them, having to love them its a child's duty, all my thoughts are Mum and Dad making me feel so bad, such a naughty girl, how could you do this to us, you have broken our hearts and only you can fix us. I am feeling like the worst daughter ever as I allow myself to feel the truth, that I am allowed not to love them. The agonising torture inside of me as I feel this pain of hurting them so badly, I am punishing myself as they would, I am being them, to me. They programmed me to love them above all else, even God and I have ruined it all, I have crushed them and I feel so sorry for them both, I want to say I am so sorry, I am so bad, please take me back Mum and Dad, can we rewind and pretend it never happened, Pretend I never told you both how I feel, I want to go back so I can stop hurting you both, its all my fault.

But my soul, my true feelings are telling me something different, that its all ok, it right and I just have to feel my way through it all and as I do the truth is so much more apparent to me. I have never felt real love for them and this is ok, its the truth but dare I feel it, its to dangerous as my mind slips in again trying to overbear my souls truth as Mum and Dad did with me, over ride my will with theirs in such a subtle way, such a devious way that even they were unaware of doing it, it was so natural and inbred to them to over ride the child and be in control. I want to be true to how I feel and the truth is coming up from my soul, I don't love them and never have (that feels so bad to say on here, Christ I am so bad, evil for not loving them). I constantly pulled away from them as a child because I didn't want them near me, loving me, it didn't feel like love and I didn't want it, just leave me alone, I am ok on my own. I am just going with what is coming up at the moment so it might not make to much sense. I have not truly loved them only 'wanted' to love them, to force myself to love them and I will write a passage from Alice Millar's book "THE BODY NEVER LIES" which explains how I feel to the letter.
"You don't need to love and honour your parents. They did you harm. You don't need to force yourself to feel things you don't really feel. Constraint and enforcement have never produced anything good, they can be destructive and your body will pay the price"
This is all so true, I lived my life living up to their expectations of me and just couldn't do it, I failed every time and this caused me so much anxiety and depression. Just hearing someone else say "You don't have to love and honour your parents" wow really!!! What a release, a huge release but to them, this is pure evilness, they don't know why I am doing this to them. Oh my God the mind games never end, I am in and out of guilt, shame, and all the other feelings that Mum and dad want me to be feeling because of what I have done to them. But the truth is "I don't have to love or honour them" so I have that feeling going on in my soul and my mind is telling me I am a traitor to them, pure evil so I have the both going on at the same time, I am fucked, wrecked and at a half way place with this tug of war game of truth and lies.

This is such a crucial part of my healing, I have got to a place that is going to lead me on to grow further if I can feel my way through this and break down this façade of having to love and honour my parents, that false belief, that I have to love them, is keeping me from my true self so I feel I will have to lose their love to find myself and their is so much pain involved, its a monster. I wake up and say, shit Sam, what are you doing but I have to do this to be true and understand about love, I cant grow while I am still their obedient child but I feel like I am dying inside with the pain as the lie shows itself and the truth is revealed to me.

I wanted to put this out on the forum because I feel it is a hurdle, the highest hurdle that we could fall on or claw our way over it by feeling our way through all the pain, its devastating and I am feeling like a little girl who is losing her parents but for me, this is the only way to find out the truth.

LOK11

Its so good to have your comment and to meet you. What a journey for you, to have that revelation at 18 and to have absorbed not only your Natural parents injuries and emotional denial and suppression but also that of your adoptive parents. To have found out in that way after 18 years, I cant even imagine how devastating that must have been, just unbelievable to take in, the lies.

When I saw your response to what I had wrote I went into panic, my heart was pumping with fear that I might read something attacking me and telling me off for being such an evil person to disrespect my parent in the way I have, shit I was really scared of reading what you wrote, expecting you to be like Mum and Dad so thank you for bringing up more of my terror at ever going against them, it was just what I needed to see how scared I am of hurting them and them finding out any truth that I feel about them, even though I have told them, I still haven't felt my terror to the core and I will know when I have healed this because those feelings will not be there any more as I would have released them all through accepting them, expressing them and then knowing the truth all through my feelings. The only way to release this guilt I feel is to feel it fully, every facet of the feeling has to be felt and it is a process that will take as long as it needs to take, as long as I keep having the desire to feel it and heal it with Gods help.

What you have said about having to redo life since you found out, well I have had to do the same since I found out that every thing I had been told and taught has been a lie, not being what I truly want but the will of my parents so I never knew I could have my own desires and follow them, that I was a person in my own right, I have sent a life denying and supressing all of my own desires, wants, needs, the whole lot, pleasing everyone else because I had to please mum and dad first so everyone else came before me, I still don't even know where I came on my list. So I understand when life as you know it, just stops, its all been a lie and you have to begin again with some sort of truth and all I can be true to at the moment is all of my Untruth, unravelling that tangled web of shit. Its all in the undoing of what has been done to find the truth of who you are without the influences of our parents telling us how to be so we can be lovable to them.

I have been deep in a state of repentance this week and this comes up for me so often when I see what I have done to my kids, that which anyone else would call good parenting in the worlds view. Christ its all so wrong and it is ruining the lives of our children because we are pouring into them everything we have been taught, all of the sins of our forefathers we are passing on to them like lambs to the slaughter, unknowing, unaware of what terrors wait for them from the very people who are meant to love them and show them the way in life. The worst thing for a child are its parents and I thought I was a good one but that has all turned on its head now when I see them as a reflection of what I have done, what I have denied and what I have repressed, I passed on everything that mum and dad taught me and every day I cry to God to help me find the truth of what I have done because there is so much. I ask God to forgive me for the damage I have caused to them and to help me feel the truth in myself so I can help them by when they ask me, when they are in pain. The pain I feel inside is that it is all hopeless for them, I have ruined their lives and they now are showing me all the time what I have done to them and I feel devastated. To a normal unaware parent this is just being a loving parent and by that I mean telling a child what to do, how to do it, when to do this, don't do that, be a good child, obey and respect your parents and grand parents infact all adults must be obeyed by children, all the things you hear from parents and is what they call good parenting but its caused so much damage with a child's Will development, the child can never truly know or have a sense of itself when we as parents have taken away that allowance of becoming self aware beings. I have had to apologise with the deepest sorrow to my children because of what I took away from my children, I didn't nurture their self awareness or help them grow into their potentials, I did just what Mum and Dad did to me, control through fear and just what every other parent does, stop the growth of their children which is not love.

There is so much to go through but it is easier with Gods help, I write to God constantly and talk to my Celestials and spirit band of helpers to be with me and just listen to me and when I am feeling my way through my emotions the truth comes so much easier when involving God.

I will stop there and it has been good to hear your story and it is so different for us all in our healing. Thank you for replying to my post, I was terrified of what you might say, I was expecting a good telling off, I was scared so you heled me feel that terror I have of mum and dad.

And that is somehow different to how the world around us affects us without looking to our healing.........



It seems to me that we have all started this journey for ourselves and for our own reasons, but fundamentally, to be rid of the attachments that hold us back from our potential - that hurt us or that we cling to. There is likely to be pain and disenchantment along any journey as you describe, whether on foot or in our healing, and no James, I don't look forward to those times, but I do look forward to each time I can reach a milestone and see/feel that something is now better or clearer for me. Ask me again when I've done half the work that you folks on here have all done and I'll answer again then.

Have you LOK11 had any bad feelings you’ve expressed and seen the truth of?



I'm confident that, right up until you asked, I could have listed thousands, maybe tens of thousands; but oddly, only one truth comes to me right now:
That my bad feelings cannot really hurt me, and I have no need to fear them. In fact, I need them. They are my experiences, my feelings; here specifically for me to accept and understand. My task, it seems, is indeed to accept and understand them - in the terms used on here - to find the truth of them! Often I have missed seeing the truth of something at the time, and now I can revisit it, and look at it again. I had many bad feelings when I found out that I was adopted and, upon reflection, and maybe differently to you (or maybe the same I don't know), I found that I felt my (adoptive) parents had done the best they knew how, (given what they had experienced from their lives and their parents) and I bear them no malice and no anger, for anger I found, did not provide me with a clear head or heart to find the truth of anything. It only seemed to cloud my view and distract me.
 
My 'bad feelings' sometimes seem like special gifts to me, like when you pick up a baby Echidna -  it's a ball of very, very spark spikes in your hands and sticking into your skin, - it hurts against your palms and fingers, but, hold it, with your hands open and still against the slight pain and wait until he uncurls, tentatively, and then you can see his cute little face looking back at you and feel the softness of his belly and, just maybe, understand one the wonders of this natural world. - Sometimes you have to sit with the pain and feel it for a while before something wonderful can happen, and indeed, sometimes you cannot see or feel something wonderful, until you have sat with the pain for a while.

Sometimes though, I just feel pretty slow, dumb, in your words - demented! I've missed a few of the wake up calls that really I should have noticed along the way. I was stung by a few thousand honey bees at once and then rode my bicycle home, I've been hit by lightning twice and I'm still here. You'd think I should have noticed, maybe become a little more spiritual before my 50's, but no, I continued on my merry way, making mistake after mistake, hurting the ones I believed I loved most along the way. I guess we all have our stories of how we got here. I don't envy any or yours, Marion's, Sam's or others experiences, that I've read about on here, that have led them to this point and this forum and this healing, but anyway, I'm here, (finally). Time for something new and different.

And so for now, maybe I'll claim forum newbie rights and say: "What would I know? I'm only at the start!" 
I do however, continue to read your works and enjoy them.

L