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Post by samantha9 on Jan 5, 2017 2:35:14 GMT 10
How amazing it was to read about Marion now liking the person she sees in the mirror. It is such a huge injury for so many, body image, shame, hatred of themselves and what they see and how they feel about themselves. To now read that Marion has slowly come out of this, a pain within her from childhood. There is now hope for us all.
The more I have been doing my feeling healing the less I am able to look at myself in the mirror, I cant bear it and this is something that I never really had a problem with but the more I am seeing the truth about myself the less I want to look at the truth. Its to painful to see the ugliness of how I really am, not just physically, I mean emotionally, inside I am so ashamed and in so much pain that I am not the pretty little girl I was made to believe I was. The more I have healed the more truth is coming to me and the more painful it all is to see the truth of my soul. I don't want to look at it, I want to deny it exists, that I am really that bad, the façade is breaking down and the truth is awful, I cant bare to look at it.
To read how Marion once felt about herself through what you have written in the past and to now read she is now happy with herself and feeling the freedom of that, it gives me such hope and the more I feel my pain the more it will inch me towards feeling the same as Marion one day. I cant imagine it at the moment but it will come and Marion is showing me the way.
I never thought I could hate what I see in the mirror but I do, I hate the untruth so I covered it up with make up but no longer do that and I hate the truth of my ugliness inside and out, I feel awful about myself and I want to. I want to heal so I am glad I hate what I see and no longer think I am ok, pretty, acceptable, I am none of those things as my mother said to me last year when she saw me out with no make up on " put some make up on Sam, you look awful" to which I replied with a lot of hurt in me, " I am your creation, how could you think I need improving with make up" I was distraught at her comment and Dad sent me an email to apologise, she didn't mean anything by it. I didn't respond. It just backed up how much they want me to be perfect all the time so they can feel good about themselves. I spent a life thinking I wasn't accepted unless I was pretty and perfect and they confirmed this was true and I had reason for believing this about myself.
I have so much trouble with looking at myself without makeup now but I feel so bad by putting it on, so false and untrue. Marion, it is so good to hear that you can now accept yourself as you are after so much pain you have felt, all I feel is desperate pain, I am in the thick of it all, feeling all the despair as I look at myself. You are my light in this darkness. xxx
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Post by James on Jan 5, 2017 20:20:03 GMT 10
You made her cry Sam, for the pain you are suffering and the horribleness of it all. We were both deeply moved by what you said. How awful all you’ve suffered and what a terrible thing for your mother to say.
As Marion says, for her it’s not about her having to look beautiful, her mother wasn’t interested in beautifying anything, Marion or herself or anything else. It was all about the impression you gave, having to stand up straight and be presentable and all how that looked. But still she identifies, we both do, with you and having to put your makeup on to look bearable, passable, respectable, beautiful, it’s all so difficult and full of so many bad feelings.
Marion hasn’t worn makeup for years now, but when I first met her she had it all. Now incredibly she’s stayed inside for months, hardly even venturing out to fill up the bird bowls, and only when I have to go to the BB. And she loves not going out, not seeing anyone, she will only answer the phone if I’m not here and only then is determined to say no, please ring back, not wanting to talk with anyone.
And she’s stopped plucking the hairs on her face, not caring anymore, she waits to see how she’ll feel about it if she ever does do out again, and as I can’t see them in my blurry-eyed state they don’t worry me, not that there’s much and mostly only fuzz, but still, all these little bits, bit by bit stopping and giving it all up and feeling better and better about herself for doing so, but all only because of all she’s expressed out of herself.
And again it’s becoming even more apparent that she just knows it all, and has always done so, so she doesn’t need to investigate it all with her mind like I do, as it’s all just there when she feels she needs to talk about it, and it’s true, remarkably it is all just there. Whereas for me, which I’ve said before, I was turned away so strongly from myself that I don’t know anything, so it’s all new as I wake up to it. She feels all this shit was forced into her and her Healing is her expressing it all slowly out of her, whereas I took it all on and went onto their side so as I express it out of me it’s an eye-opener every step of the way.
And one that at moment feels like I’m being slugged each time I see more how selfishly they treated me and how I’m like them. A dream last night led me to uncover more this morning, and since seeing more how selfishly they treated me, and feeling like I’d been slugged in the chest and totally deflated yet again - feeling so miserable and hurt, my right ankle I can now suddenly hardly move and stand on and I’ve developed a huge knot in my back on the right side and can hardly breathe - oh the sweet joys of the continual ‘adjustments’ that are constantly take place.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 11, 2017 20:12:04 GMT 10
Its so inspirational to read about Marion and how she feels like she has really broken through 'Something' with her healing. I love to read about how it is for her, it gives me hope whilst feeling my hopelessness in all of this. Lets see where that leads her, you are so lucky being with her and having her to continually pick you up on things, I wish I had that although I would probably hate them all of the time because as I go on I can see how I am just like my Dad, hating to be wrong and feeling the rage that's behind that and powerlessness and humiliation. I am very eager to hear more of Marion's progress and of course yours James.
My Mum came over the other day and she is very angry with me and said that I never visit them any more and this is wrong of me. She said why is this, I replied with the truth and that is that I no longer feel drawn to visit them, there is nothing there for me, I don't feel love and the more I feel about them the more I cannot go or be around them. She was so upset and hurt by what I said, it just came spewing out of me. She told me I have broken Dads heart and it is up to me to fix it, she laid the blame on and could not understand why I am doing this, she asked me that, she said I will make myself so ill with all of this unloving behaviour. I told her I have never felt so clear and healthy since discovering the truth about how unloving my parents truly are. She is very hurt and made sure I know that it is all my fault and went on to tell me about my childhood and the fact I never let them near me, even at the age of three, if I was hurt I would never let them comfort me so I went on to tell her that was because I didn't want them near me, hurting me further, I was scared of the pain they would cause me and couldn't trust them to just let me feel my pain and taking my pain away just caused me further pain.
It went on and on and she always leaves by cuddling me and telling me how much she loves me but I have never been able to do it back, or if I did it was a lie. I felt obliged to return the feeling like it was expected of me and it has never felt right for me to do this, so wrong to lie like that so I didn't do it and she was devastated.
She left and I cried like I haven't done for a long time, I felt all the feelings she wants me to feel, Pain, deep guilt, like I am to blame, Like I have hurt them so much, I am such a bad person, I literally felt like I had killed them both and I am dammed to Hell for ever. I felt like I had ripped them apart which is how they are feeling, incredible pain. I have just had to feel how bad they have always wanted me to feel if I don't do what they want, if I don't love them and stay obedient to them, feeling the silent bribery that really went on for me as a child being forced against my will to love them how they want and expect to be loved by their children. If I dared ever stray from that, I will kill them emotionally, it will be the worst thing a child could do to their parents, stray and become true to themselves and tell their parents the truth about how they really feel, they don't ever want to hear this truth and I have told them and I have ruined everything, ruined their lives and squashed all their beliefs of being the best, loving parents to their children. I have ruined it all ruined their lives and I am to blame because I was and still am unlovable. I am to blame and as she said it is for me to put it right.
I have been sick with the feelings that I have gone against them and told the truth, I have ruined it all, how could I do this to my parents who keep telling me they love me so much and don't understand what is happening to me, she said I am having a breakdown, am making myself mentally ill and I know they believe this and talk about it regularly.
All I can do is carry on grieving how I feel, how they want me to feel, how bad and awful they want me to feel for doing this to them. All I can do is to feel the huge blanket of guilt they made sure I kept with me so I never strayed from them and their control. As I go on feeling I feel the truth that they do truly want to keep me like this, in their illusion and I am breaking free of it, I can see the cracks in it all. The more I feel about it all the more I can see how much they have had their foot on me never wanting me to see the truth. It feels so poisonous. On minute I feel good and free, the next I feel like I have done the worst thing I could ever do to them and I feel sorry for them and it is all how they want me to feel, the guilt stops me hurting them so they made sure they filled me with it. I am very confused, very, very confused with so many conflicting and opposing feelings and I keep bringing myself back to the feeling I am feeling right now, just feel it Sam, GUILT. I am a bad child, I have been a bad girl to Mummy and Daddy, how could you.
I keep wanting to defend them and say they were not aware that they weren't being loving, don't blame them, it wasn't their fault, they were just doing what they had been taught to do. Keep on making them always right and me always wrong and that's the truth, I was always wrong and to blame and they were always right and blameless. There is so much to feel and this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do as my façade breaks down about my parents and how it was all an illusion.
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Post by James on Mar 12, 2017 13:54:30 GMT 10
I can relate to you wanting to defend them, going against yourself, being on their side; all that maddening stuff comes up in me too, such an overwhelming flood of opposing emotions and feelings. I hate it all, and it blows my mind out, so I go gaga and like a cloud has come into my head and all I want to do is go to sleep to clear it. But I’m getting better at just saying it all, like how you are, staying with it, letting it all come, and the confused knot is slowly teased apart.
It’s a terrific post Sam, all what you’re battling through with them. With the battle really all being within yourself, with your mind and how they made it be. Your mind verses your true feelings. I’m amazed that you keep going being able to see them, unlike myself who was too scared of my parents and had to hide behind cutting them all off and not wanting to see any of them.
And it’s so good to read about your guilt, how you see it and feel it, how they have put it all on you, all of which is so true. When you say it, I can see it all, we both can, and it’s so unloving. It’s such a great example of how you can think you are being loving when you’re being the very opposite. That being what we all have to realise about ourselves and come to terms with and express all our bad feelings about.
And you saying that it’s all up to you, they put it on you that if you stray and don’t love them, all how they want to be loved, then you’ll hurt them; it’s all them, them, them, them, it’s all about them, they are the important ones, they are not to feel bad - but what about YOU! Shouldn’t it all be about you, and nothing about them? They are still the child wanting it all to be about them, so being the parent they can finally get what they want, which is all very well, only they are doing to you exactly what was done to them.
And yes, it is some level Marion has reached, but of course not all her Healing is done. She keeps feeling better about little things, like being able to wear her neckline wider instead of close up near her neck - not a bad breakthrough finally at 66 years old. I buy all her clothes for her. We’ve been so lucky as Coles the supermarket has a clothes line called Mix, cheap, black, well made, cotton, viscose which she likes, and they are always with new styles, so I’m always buying her new things. And she’s able to wear the clothes increasingly just for herself: she feels like wearing this now, now she takes it off and puts that one on, no sooner having done that and she feels like another one, and so on, all of which a child might do, and all of which she was never allowed to do. It was on for the day or for however long her parents told her to wear it, all neat and ladylike up to the neck line, all very proper, none of this sloughy flowing layers she now loves. So now not going out and not having to look how she thinks everyone else (her parents) says she should look, she can do as she pleases, which means, not even looking in the mirror, just looking down herself, liking what she sees, liking the feeling of the material, liking the feeling of it being on her, and nothing else - no one else in involved. Nothing about what image is she giving up, what expectations is she under from other people (her parents) as to whether they will accept or throw stones at her to get away because she’s so ugly, all because she’s not wearing what is right and acceptable to them - the person. Never anything for herself, all for them, just the same was what you are saying your parents make you feel; you have to be and act to please them, it’s all for them, nothing about going with you, supporting you, you being how you want to be, even if that means you never contact them. They should let you go instead of trying to keep controlling you.
Our parents are meant to be on our side, however they didn’t see it like that, we were meant to be, and so made to be, on their side. I have so lost myself to them, if they move I move, if they look away, I look away, I am glued to them, to their every moment for my commands on how to act, all so I don’t get yelled at. Marion can dictate all my actions by her looking at me and moving her body and head, then she laughs when I do all my predictable reactions being so controlled by her and so unaware that I’m reacting to her like that. But fuck it’s humiliating not being yourself, feeling so stupid that I am just an image of them, like their shadow, and nothing of my own true self.
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Post by Emiley12 on Oct 16, 2017 16:03:47 GMT 10
That's really a nice post. One should never feel bad about himself or herself. We all are the amazing and thoughtful creation of god and thus we should continuously motivate and inspire ourselves. Everyone is different in this world, having different and unique soul. Thus making our unique identity is very much important. One should never feel depressed or anxious because of various non-happening things which happened in someone's life very impromptu. People should adapt various things and ways to avoid their pain and sorrows. Even if the people are unable to recreate themselves, then, various treatments can be adapted. One of the major treatments can include a psychic session. Psychics like voyance direct can referred with this context. These psychics have greater ability to predict the future of an individual by their remarkable techniques such as the sixth sense, third vision, various spiritual and religious paths. People's depression and anxiety can be sorted out easily followed by inspiration and motivation.
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Post by sarah on May 25, 2018 19:32:04 GMT 10
What a beautiful post. I really love everything you did write down! Very inspiring!
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