Just look at this little beauty. She is a Canary and was brought to me today by a neighbour who found her injured and wants me to look after her. I am in total love. She is so beautiful and has a puncture in her chest and damaged tail feathers so we will see what happens. As soon as I saw her my heart burst. I feel so much gratitude to God for trusting me with these creatures and how they help me connect to loving feelings, it is just what I need to help me heal, it is them who help me, and are there for me to feel. My heart is so full today.
Last Edit: Aug 27, 2016 20:21:01 GMT 10 by samantha9
Yes, what a lovely little bird, I hope she’s okay.
And by the way Sam, I was doing the rounds of all the Divine Love sites and I saw a post by Samantha in England on the Divine Truth Hub Forum Board in May - was that you?, saying you were thinking about setting up ‘Soul Salon’ and offering your hairdressing by donation - if it was you, did you do it, and how did it go?
And you said you might also offer AJ (Jesus) and Mary’s CD’s the same way, and I was wondering what you think about them. Do you believe they are Jesus and Mary?
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I was very excited to find the Divine Love Hub and another place to learn and speak with others about Divine love. My excitement caused me to act without truly thinking about how I felt and I can not offer out Mary and (AJ)Jesus CD's because I do not believe they are Mary Magdalene and Jesus, but the information, no matter who they believe they are, about healing emotions and connecting to Divine Love is similar to what you have said, what I have listened to anyway. I tried to take myself of the Hub once I looked into it a little more because what I found felt wrong to me, They give you strikes for anything they deem unloving and that felt like being punished by a parent, very harsh and all based upon what their unhealed emotions feel about what you have said. I was carried away with finding people who were doing their healing like I was, very excited to find others, like being the only person on the planet and then finding other life.
I had been Looking to start hairdressing up again because I now need to start earning some money and great fears were arising in me about having no money, being destitute, alone, thrown out onto the streets, all these fears were coming up for me and what can I do about this so I thought I would try to find a way of running a business in a more loving way, doing the old business but with a new concept of payment by donations depending on what they could afford, what their soul condition was by means of what fears they have about money which determines how much they feel they want to give me, if anything. It would be a great healing revelation for both them and me so I did start it but had to stop. I was still doing it with the expectation of how much I really wanted from them so I was putting a demand upon them and projecting this before I even started but it is still something I want to do once I have healed my money fears and how unloving I feel if I don't get what I think the service is worth. It shouldn't be like that but it will be until I heal that fear of not getting enough money. I still do the clients that have already started with me but since I decided to stop no one else has come. Its all based in my home so no expense has really been laid out for property until it took off. My intentions were to run it with staff all working on their feelings and law of attraction based on those feeling's. A fully working progressive healing Salon for the staff and clients, a new way to begin running businesses all based upon how powerless I truly feel and me trying to gain some sort of power in life, yet again.
I understand your excitement at that time Sam about finding other people who were working on themselves using their feelings to some degree and with the Divine Love in common; and I like the idea about your Soul Salon, but have no idea about any of the money stuff. I think you’re very brave putting yourself out there doing it even in a small way just to help you deal with all your fears about money.
I think that if AJ and Mary took the Jesus and Mary M part out of it, then they’d be truer to what they are doing, which from what I see, not that I’ve read or listened to much of what they say, is at least sort of moving in the right direction. You’d probably know more about this than I do Sam if you’ve listen to their work about how to deal with emotions. Another friend of mind Max who came to my early Divine Love meditation groups but wasn’t interested in tackling his healing along the lines of what Marion and I were doing, became very keen on AJ and Mary and has, from what I can see reading some of his posts on that forum and from speaking with him one time, got a lot out of being involved with them.
And funnily enough, I like them both; but what do I have to go on other than they seem like nice people who do genuinely want to help other people? I like their ‘Australianness’, and I wish I could live up North like where they are. And I can relate to their need to pretend to be Jesus and Mary, and possibly if they didn’t do that then they’d not get as many people interested in them, however I do think their belief in their being Jesus and Mary is genuine and not simply some ploy to attract people.
But really I can’t comment on them, for as I said, I’ve only read snippets of what they say about emotional clearing or is it cleansing? But I do know whatever they are saying won’t take people far or deep enough into their repressed childhood stuff, because if it did, and if AJ and Mary themselves wanted to go that far, then they’d very quickly come up against and be confronted with their need to be someone they are not. So I can see the point of their self-imposed limitation by calling themselves Mary and Jesus, something that will nicely keep them away from having to deal with their deeper stuff.
I do wonder if they will reach the point where it doesn’t work anymore and they do have to confront such untruth within themselves, and whether then they’ll have the humility to admit they’ve been deluding themselves, but I’m not holding my breath. I wonder what happens in such situations when you are digging a hole ever deeper for yourself, when do you say enough is enough, when does the hole cave in on you? So I occasionally do the rounds to see what’s happening and if they are still full-on intent in what they are doing - to see if they are still digging.
And it’s the same as with the ‘Divine Love people’ and some of the Christians, anyone who is receiving the Divine Love, it all helps me see that these people are not actually transforming their soul to any degree, (and possibly also aren’t receiving the Love to any degree either), because if they were changing in such a deep way then surely we who are watching and listening would see and hear such changes in them, we’d see them moving deeper into their childhood stuff and having to deal with that on and ongoing basis, but as yet, no one I can see is doing that; and if they were, surely they’d have to leave those limiting systems and move onto something else like DLS?
And as I’ve said before, I did expect... then hoped... then thought, possibly... then thought, surely one person... then thought, I’d be amazed if one person... now think, I no longer care, if anyone from these Divine Love involving systems does come to DLS wanting to do their real Healing. I did think that logically such systems would be a stepping stone out of the yuk on the way to fully embracing their Healing and so DLS... (and such systems might be that for these people when they arrive in spirit and told about the need to truly Heal themselves) but as for such systems being a logical stepping stone to DLS now, again I’m no longer holding my breath. And in fact as I’ve been feeling more lately still, that I’m very happy with DLS and my understanding of it, and that in a way that phase with it, my personal revealing of it (revealing it to myself), is coming to an end. Trying to write this last book is agony, I’ve got the structure worked out, but actually sitting down to type it is not what I want to do. In that light I feel like I’ve finished with it, and as I’ve said I just want to do my Healing, but of course part of doing my Healing is now dealing with all the issues and feelings as to why I don’t want to write the book.
I feel, in my mind anyway, I’m moving progressively away from humanity, no longer caring about it, leaving it to its own devices, not worrying about whether people do their Healing or not. People for eons have not done their Healing, and now just because I know we can do it doesn’t mean that everyone has to instantly stop going the wrong way and do their Healing because I say so. My wanting to be the ‘Teller’, telling everyone they must do their Healing and how to do it, is fading away, and today got dealt yet another crushing blow when in speaking with Marion I realised that in fact I don’t want to be teacher like I thought I did. I’m happy to reveal it, to bring it all out because that’s what I’m doing for myself anyway, but currently that’s it, I don’t want to take it any further or teach anyone about it. I no longer even want to talk about the spiritual stuff with anyone at the BB, just happy to talk about the work we are doing. So I don’t have one feeling about the future of DLS or my future, and I’m trying not to, just to stay focused on my remaining yuk and bad feelings.
I’m feeling that I want to end my unloving state and be loving. I want to feel loving and loved. I want to be completely full of love and feeling all the good feelings love brings. I’ve never felt truly loved, that much I now fully know about myself. And I can sort of get something of a sense of what feeling loved might feel like, but I know it won’t come until I’ve finished my Healing as my whole negative state is about not feeling any love.
Sam, do you understand what AJ and Mary say concerning ones bad feelings? And what ones healing involves?
I was discussing your idea with Marion about offering your hairdressing services free and it brought up a number of issues.
She maintains that it’s too hard as we’re all so conditioned to dealing with fixed prices and it might be alright for someone like yourself who wants to investigate all ones feelings, but for most other people who don’t want to feel threatened or forced beyond their comfort zones it might be too much to handle. And then upsetting your competitors, having them all hate you because of upsetting the way of things. And my contribution - with the way things seem to be going in the UK, you may as well set up a nude salon and charge exorbitant prices for the privilege of customers sitting in their birthday suits being attended to by other birthday suits. LOL.
And then as you said, you’d have to be prepared to completely do everyones hair for free, wanting absolutely nothing for it, and without any secret desire or wish or longing for someone to show they want you by donating to you... and then if you went down this track, why do you want to do everyones hair for free anyway? I could imagine you attending to people you know and who are part of your daily life, but strangers coming in off the street... how far does one go in all of that?
I initially hoped people would donate if they downloaded my books, I couldn’t bring myself to charge for them because as far as I’m concerned they are not perfect, not up to a saleable standard requiring editing and proofreading... but then over the years I’ve changed in this too having read so many mistakes in mainstream well respected publishers like Penguin and Virago... and then I wanted someone to just take my books and do it all for me as I feel too helpless and hopeless trying to work out how to make them into an ebook and self-publishing, and wishing someone else would take care of the money side for me... and then do I accept your offer of financial help and look to pay a professional proof reader... do I even try and find work to pay for one, do I care that much about getting myself published... and then Desire offered to help me pay for more Internet before our kerfuffle and before she left, so had I accepted her offer and then she’d gone I would have felt bad and might not have been able to afford to pay her back which I’d have wanted to do. So without setting it up impersonally as a business from the start I find it very difficult to know what to do - and what I feel to do is NOTHING, so that’s what I’m doing! When in doubt - do NOTHING!
And other difficult situation money-wise we’re in yet one that’s entirely in our favour, is with Cara at the ‘crystal shop’. She is unlike any retail salesperson we’ve ever known. It’s her shop and she is only just managing to scrape buy month to month with help from her partner paying the rent and bills. And yet she is so generous always discounting everything, giving us things for free, wanting to give all her stock away to the people she likes instead of charging them the full markup she’s got on her price-stickers. And we protest, have even tried to make her take more money, and if she relents and takes it, she makes sure she gives us extra next time. And then we do love getting everything so much cheaper, like getting continual presents, and as we’re so desperately wanting someone to make us feel good, so it’s so hard to say no to her, and so easy to say yes and take it all. And what if she offered her stock by donation, that too would be very hard because how much should we give, if we even give anything at all. Is it a matter of trying to work out the retail price and give that much, or just a token, or what... and trying to do it just with feeling is very difficult from both sides. If Marion and I were to find ourselves in that situation god I can see it would certainly give us masses of things to discuss and work through with our feelings. And I have no idea how another person might react - I’ve no idea how I’d react.
I personally hate the whole money thing and long to be in spirit without having to worry about it. Just having to carry a wallet and deal with coins and paper and banks which might fail at any moment and all the rest; and then I also don’t want to buy gold and keep it in a hole in the ground as insurance like so many are suggesting because of the so-called imminent financial collapse that’s been coming any moment for eight years now.
Being on the dole has also, as much as I’ve hated it and hated having no money, been great to have to live with less money as it’s helped us look at every aspect of our lives and cut back and give up and look to why we want what we do. We don’t have a TV, music system or entertainment system, no pets, only the computer and Internet. We don’t go out for meals, to cafes, to the films or anything else to amuse ourselves with; we don’t use hot water other than for our showers as the bottled gas is so expensive, but Marion buys her jewellery and perfumes, so I’m always having to set strict budget controls on her which I hate doing as I would dearly love her to have all she wants when she wants it, as I would love that too for myself, all of which has bought up a million bad feelings and arguments, which is good for our Healing, and all of which wouldn’t happen if we had a lot more or unlimited money.
And then we’ve wanted to donate to HSI (Humane Society International) and Animals Australia, but needing all the money for ourselves has helped us let go of worrying about nature and the creatures. We’ve had masses of bad feelings about humanities ill-treatment of nature, but feeling powerless to do anything about it, even to give a few dollars, has helped us get more in touch with our powerlessness.
But getting back to offering ones services for free, I have been so grateful for people who’ve done that on the Web, the little word processing package I use BEAN is a freebie and is so much easier and better than the larger free and more expensive packages for my simple needs. And my free adblockers are a dream, I couldn’t bear the Internet without them having to be subjected all the invasive adds. And then being able to set up my websites and the forum all for nothing, and even Apple offering whole updates of the OS for free, everything I do is free. So by offering my books and information for free is my way of paying back and adding to the rebellion against having to pay.
And Sam, how is the canary, is she okay; do you know how she got her hole in her chest, was she an escapee your neighbour found - have you named her yet?
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Hi James, What Marion says is true. People know when the come to have their hair done that it is payment by donation and I wont do any chemical processes because it would then incur a charge because of the expensive products so I just stick to cutting and styling, then it doesn't cost me anything just skills and time. The funny thing is and something I never expected the people I don't know that come, pay me more than I would have charged them which is a complete surprise to me but then again, the people I know give me much less and that then brings up feelings that they are really taking the piss with me. It brings up all sorts of feelings in me of resentment which is something I am dealing with at the moment, how I like them while they are keeping me happy but don't when they are not, so I am doing this whole thing in an untrue state, just wanting all of my fears kept at bay and like people when they meet my needs, all very yukky for me inside but at least its bringing up the true feelings for me to deal with and I am seeing just how many fears I truly have around money and love, money keeping me safe so to be without it means I am very unsafe and that comes from Mum and Dad putting money before Love. When they struggled moneywise, then all love was withdrawn so I have that fear that all love will leave when I have no money so I go into this panic about making money or I feel like I will die.
I don't want to do anyones hair for free to be honest, I would feel completely taken advantage of but and it would certainly bring up so many emotions of anger in me that I would feel towards them so good in that way. I was basing the whole business on my Law of Attraction and if no one paid me then it would be something I was attracting because of my unhealed emotions about my fears around money and self worth and when I have healed those emotions then my Law of Attraction would change and I would no longer attract those sort of customers, if I attract people into my life that just want to take the piss with me then I am allowing that treatment because in my soul is the feeling that I am not worth paying what the service is worth but once those feelings have been accepted in me, expressed and the truth found, then I would no longer attract that sort of treatment but as Marion says, none of my customers on the Divine Love healing path so they wont get any healing out of it, all the will get is feeling good because they got their hair done for free or very cheap. I wanted to run it wholly on a Law of Attraction bases, dictated by the condition of my soul, my customers soul and if it ever took of, then the staff's soul conditions all attracting the truth of our soul and what we have denied and repressed. At the moment I have stopped it all because what Marion said a few posts ago about spirits and me using them to feel some sort of power has really hit me hard and has grown over the last few days. I have realised and felt it so deeply and it has revealed so much to me and bought so many 'Oh my God' moments to me.
I have known in my mind that I felt weak all my life and did all I could to cover it up, not accept love or really show it to any great extent because it weakened me, I knew all this in my mind but never really felt it in my soul until that post where Marion and you pointed it out to me that what I was doing was to gain some sort of power. I cant put into words the feelings I have had over the last few days at how deep this has hit me. The realisation that everything and I mean everything in my life has been to feel and gain power because of my powerless state, every aspect of my life has been untrue in this need to feel some sort of power from any source I can. My God I have felt awful, deeply awful at this realisation and desperation for power because I don't want to feel the weakness and powerlessness I truly feel and that is where I am today, sitting in that deep pool of YUK at all the pain I have caused myself and others all because I needed to feel power so that I didn't have to feel the truth. The hairdressing idea, reading your work and AJ's work all to feel some sort of power and control, all false and I feel terrible inside, dirty and yukky at levels I will go to too feel power, I feel truly ashamed of myself and this realisation that everything up to now has been untrue feels like I have to start all over again, right from the beginning, its like I still haven't got it so back I go, clean slate, start again and I feel exhausted and I only feel this way because it is exhausting being untrue, doing all I can to be powerful, it has all been a lie and I feel like everything up to today has to be written off. Its feels like a game of snakes and ladders where I get so far, then have a major soul realisation and have to go right back down that really long ladder, back to the beginning, you know that feeling in the game of starting again.
The feeling in me that everything I have done has been just to avoid feeling my true weakness and powerlessness, is so huge, it is consuming me and I cant trust anything that I do or say incase its just to gain more power, I feel like not moving or doing anything incase its more delusion. I am questioning everything I say or do, even this message I am feeling into incase it is just another slippery way for me to gain power to avoid the truth, I feel very strange, I am like another person observing me saying 'That's bullshit Sam' or 'Ok Sam, you can have that one, its true' crazy stuff at the moment. I am checking with myself before I do anything to see if its true or just to gain power and most of it has been to gain power so I have to stop an go and feel the opposite of what I was going to do. I have to just sit and feel the weakness and I am terrified of being that, everything I have done has been to avoid that truth in me and now I have to feel it. I have been taken right back to my early years where all of this false power began and so much is now being uncovered and I am seeing scenarios throughout my life and going 'oh my God, that was all false, that was all to gain power' so many of those moments occurring for me, even in my dreams it never stops.
I will not go on, I am sure you get it all but I have to thank you both for opening up so much in me with your comments to me and heling me to see my untrue state, it all feels so humiliating and disgusting but it is all things I have to grieve about and I have been truly shocked and applaud at what I have been capable of and I desperately want to heal this and never be like it again. It is very hard not to judge it all and punish myself, something that is very deep within me from childhood injuries but if I do then it is just more thrown on the top of the huge heap of things to feel. I feel like I am at the very bottom of a rugby scrum with the whole team on top of me and as I heal a feeling, one by one they get off me, I can really visualise that.
Oh yes, the canary is so good, she is adorable and the puncture wound on her chest is healing and she is singing away beautifully, there are so many messages that I get from both of the birds, how powerless they have both been with there injuries too and they have shown me that when they heal they are their true selves, so much that I wont go on now. I have called her Beauty and yes, she was found in my neighbours garden up the road from me so she must have escaped although I am not sure because she is so tame she doesn't fly away at all.
Thank you James and Marion for all you say and all the help you give me in understanding more of my evilness. I want to be told because then I can feel the truth of my untrue state. The realisation of my powerlessness has been the biggest truth to hit me, it has been what my whole life has been all about so making my whole life very false, that realisation is the biggest but there is a relief also that it has hit my soul and now I am observing it in every instance of my life and what I am doing in life. Thank you to you both for this, it is life changing. xxx
The thing about beating up and coming down hard on yourself Sam is also what you will need to look at - why do you need to do that?
I can relate very much to your self-accusation and beating yourself up for being such a horrible person, I was even working on it more today as another part of it came up. I’ve realised that I am sort of split into a few almost different people, I jump from the person who feels fine, good, even superior - there’s nothing wrong with me, to instantly, when Marion picks me up on some bad things I’m doing or saying, dumping on myself, accusing myself for being such a wicked, horrible yuk person. It’s as if I step outside myself saying you are bad James, you are naughty, you are vile and despicable, you should be smacked and hit and... So I feel powerless but then also this weird sort of power - which is false.
I was reading Bonita’s latest comments on the UB forum and she was being horrible to a new person. And I wanted to yell at her and hit her for being such a horrible unloving person - how dare she be the superior all-powerful one, the bully, the ego manic, sitting up there on her precious throne believing she is right and living true to the book and is following Jesus the right way. And in expressing all I felt and talking it through for most of the day I realised I was just doing what mum told me to do - “go and tell your brother to stop being mean to your sister”, so I want to go and tell Bonita to stop being mean to this new person.
And then I also don’t want to tell Bonita off because I don’t want to be like she is, I’d then be the bully doing what I’m accusing her of doing. So I realised I was also envious of her power, but secretly I also felt more powerful than her because I know she’s full of shit and going the wrong way, whereas I’m going the right way doing my Healing. And I realised that this was all how I felt about mum, I was envious of her power and wanted to be even more powerful, but as I was too scared of her I couldn’t confront her, and anyway, with Gran’s support, I secretly believed I knew better than mum because that’s what Gran said, and that mum would fail and get her comeuppance at some point, but as I was good by doing what Gran said and so by extension better than mum because mum didn’t do what Gran said, so I felt superior to mum. So I’m going the right way (my feelings of false power and superiority) whereas mum (Bonita) is going the wrong way. So I feel piss-weak and yet super-strong. But it’s all in my head as I’m not going to say anything to Bonita nor to mum as I sit on the couch shitting myself scared to death of everyone chewing my fingers to the quick, accepting that I am powerless, feel unloved, and that I can’t do anything. Accepting I’m scared, that if I yell at Bonita, she who’s mum, will yell back at me even harder reducing me to a gibbering wreck - that which I already am. So there’s no getting away from it. I have to accept I’m too scared, too fucked, and can’t take on mum or anyone else. And the more I resign myself to my useless, the more I admit I’m a pathetic male who can’t stand up for himself, strangely the better I’m feeling about myself. And the more I feel I don’t care, I am as I am, I can’t change myself, and it’s as God wants me to be, and I don’t have to go and sort out Nicholas or Bonita or mum or anyone else, that I’m not a failure because I can’t make them change, and I don’t have do anything because I’m no longer with mum and Gran, the better I feel about myself. They can go and tell someone else to do their dirty work.
Marion doesn’t beat herself up at all. Her parents said she was bad, end of story, they beat her up, they never said she was good one moment and bad the next, and she wasn’t allowed to be superior to and beat up or tell off her sisters. Her parents didn’t jump around like mine did. So she has just felt she’s bad, and doesn’t go on accusing herself for being bad when something brings to her attention she’s wrong. She already knows she is all wrong, and is simply expressing all the pain of that.
So she keeps telling me, you ARE powerless, it’s all how you were made to be, and it’s just what you are, it’s not even bad in the sense that you need to punish yourself over it, you don’t even have to go back and keep apologising for what you’ve done, all you need to do is keep bringing out your bad feelings about it - nothing more, which includes: why do you want to punish yourself, and how does wanting to do that make you feel?
So I understand Sam you feel like you have to go back and start afresh, sort of erase all you that you’ve been if you could, but you don’t have to, all you have to do is keep expressing all you feel - which is what you’re doing, and understand that you can’t erase it, you can’t wipe the slate clean and start over, it’s not about that anyway, it’s only about uncovering the truth of why you’ve been as you’ve been at each step, and accepting that you couldn’t have been any other way, and so in fact it was even right that you were that way - even God wanting you to be that way.
I don’t know if I’m expressing what I want to say properly, I don’t even know if I truly understand it, it’s hard without being with you, but all our Healing is about is understanding how we are, and why are that way, and accepting that that is how we are. It’s not about doing anything to change ourselves, that comes through our self-acceptance, we change from not accepting ourselves in our powerless and unloving states, to accepting ourselves in our powerless and unloving states. And once that negative state is fully accepted and all the accompanying feelings liberated, then we’re just true. It’s weird to understand and doesn’t make sense with the mind, but on the feelings level it’s all only and always about accepting your feelings. So if you feel bad, and bad about yourself, you accept those feelings as you express them, which gets you to the point of no longer feeling bad about yourself being wrong and having done those bad things. You sort of reach the point of unconditionally accepting yourself. It wasn’t your fault, you were made to be bad, you were forced to go against yourself, and no matter the worst heinous thing you might have done, it was because you did feel unloved and powerless. And that’s okay, because it was how you were at the time, it was all you could be, you couldn’t be anything other than what you were. And as all the repressed feelings come out, so you come to a self-acceptance that in the ends allows you to fully accept yourself as being evil and wrong. So it’s not so much a matter of even wanting to stop being evil and wrong, but a matter of fully accepting that you are. And when you are, you’ll no longer be it, because you will be fully loving and accepting of yourself, so you’ll be true - does that make any sense?
For me this is more of the subtle deeper understanding of the whole Healing process and what it is we’re actually trying to achieve. For Marion she has always just been focused from this end point of full self-acceptance understanding, the way which can only be attained or achieved by continually focusing on and expressing her bad feelings and wanting to understand the whole truth of why she has them.
So what I think is you can even go deeper into accepting yourself ending the cycle of self-blame and self-accusation. It might take your whole Healing, but just to be aware that it’s possible.
It would be good to talk more about it, so please say so if you don’t understand what I’m getting at, and if you do and have bits to add, please do. For as I said, it’s not even that clear in my mind. I’ll ask Marion tomorrow what she reckons about it.
And then having said all that, it is still of course equally important to explore and express and live and be true to your self-accusation, feeling all the bad feelings this makes you feel. All the bad bits have to be thoroughly explored, but what I’m trying to say is that there is life after writing yourself off again as a complete and utter YUK. It’s not to dismiss the self-blame and all the shame and humiliation and wanting to go back and make amends and start over, but it’s to understand that that is only one step on the way to becoming fully self-accepting. And the blame and accusing is not accepting, it’s using your mind to once again go against yourself, punishing yourself, being your unloving parents to yourself. Whereas to completely be on your side will bring you to allowing yourself to fully be the powerless and pathetic and unloving person you are, but no longer feeling bad about it. We naturally don’t want to be wrong, and evil and repulsive and whatever other bad things we feel we are when the truth hits us as you are saying, we want to be the opposite, which is right, and we even have to want and wish and long to be good and true and loving, but still we have to live wholly true to our untruth, and so live being completely the unloving and powerless person we are - which is okay, nothing bad is going to happen to us for being as we truly feel in our YUK state. And as we keep expressing all our pain, then slowly that goes and we can just be bad, no longer feeling bad or feeling bad about being bad, and even to the point of feeling good, and then really good about being bad. But I don’t mean we have to do bad things and feel good about doing them, I just mean we are to end up feeling really good about being wrong, evil and unloving. Because at the end of the day, its how we are, it’s what we’ve been, and although it’s made and is making us currently feel bad, it is still good, if that makes any sense, because if it wasn’t, then our Mother and Father wouldn’t have subjected us to it. I know it sounds contradictory, but when you are fully self-loving, so you will love yourself fully for being your unloving self. And by then, you will at the same time no longer be your unloving self, as you’ll be fully loving.
I’m going on labouring the point as much as I can because I’m working it out more for myself as I’m writing it. Marion is showing me each day, and slowly I’m feeling it in myself too, that in fact it’s okay being unloving and feeling so powerless and being a useless waste of space. And when you fully accept yourself being this way, which can only come once you’ve expressed out of yourself all the bad feelings to do with it, then as you no longer feel bad because there are no more bad feelings in you, then you feel even good about being bad. And as I said, at the same time because you have changed so much along the way, even though you’ll feel really good and loving of yourself being bad, you won’t actually be bad any longer, so you won’t actually being doing bad things, and won’t be unloving or powerless, because you’ll be loving and powerful in that love. You’ll be Healed and of a Celestial truth and awareness and love.
So we’re not to try and wipe our negative self out, wipe it aside, erase it, as that’s all using our mind as part of our wrongness and unloving programming. We’re to follow Jesus and Mary’s lead as they accepted us for being as we were, they didn’t try and change us, nor did they try and stop us being unloving, horrible and mean to them, so we too can work towards accepting ourselves for being wrong and bad. But we can’t also use our mind to contrive such self-acceptance, because that’s not truly self-accepting, that’s just trying to push it all aside another way. And through the mistreatment of us our parents made us feel bad, so we in our bad states feel bad, and all those bad feelings have to come out so we can accept our badness. It’s as if our parents who are bad feelings are in the way of our feeling good about feeling bad, so once we’ve liberated them all, effectively we’ve removed our parents out of us, removing their ongoing unloving influence, and then we can fully accept ourselves as being the damaged goods, that which they’ve made us become. The truth is we are unloving, damaged and powerless. And we can’t be what we’re not. We are not loving, powerful and perfect, we’re untrue. So our Healing is all about understanding the truth of our untruth, we are to fully understand all about our feeling unloving, powerless and untrue, how it feels to feel so ‘will-less’. And as we do, we are accepting ourselves being wrong, stopping our fight against it, giving in to the evilness instead of pretending we’re not it or better than it. Because we ARE it. So as that’s all we are, so that’s all we can work with. We don’t know what being true and loving and perfect is like - we don’t have a clue. And we’re to thoroughly know the bad stuff, it being why our Mother and Father have started us off this way. And once we truly know our untrue selves, then we’re Healed, for then we’re fully self-accepting, unconditionally accepting and so loving of being untrue. And then we’re free of it, we’ll no longer be untrue because we’ve fully accepted ourselves being it, and then we move on into being loving and uncovering the truth of that.
Our parents prevented us from accepting ourselves as we are. We were true, but they stopped us being true making us untrue. Now in our untrue states we’re told it’s wrong to be untrue, we have to stop that and be true. But that’s just the same unloving way with ourselves as our parents were to us, which is right, and how we are as it’s all we know how to be. We can only hate being untrue as we become aware of it and understand it’s a state that’s been imposed upon us, and hate it we do when we feel such bad feelings, but eventually we will express them (and our parents) and all that self-hatred (and hatred of them) out of ourselves, leaving only acceptance, love and good feelings.
So it’s ALL ONLY ABOUT FEELINGS. Which I know you know, but it is, it’s not about letting the mind in anywhere. And the mind is put aside the further we go, relinquishing its hold and power over our true feelings. Our mind is the part of us that refuses to allow ourselves to fully accept ourselves as we are in our unloving, untrue powerless states. Because as much as we are this way, we’ve been made to believe it’s wrong and bad and evil being it. But we ARE it, it’s all too late, the damage has been done, so we have to get on accepting that we’ve got a bung leg and learn to love and sympathise and care about it, rather than always pretending it’s okay as we drag it along refusing to feel and admit to the pain we’re in.
We’re all a useless lot of fuckers, we’re all damaged and messed up, and far more than any of us have any idea about. We’re all really far gone. And so we have to start there, not pretend otherwise. We have to admit to how bad we are, express all that such truth will help us feel, and slowly come to a truce within ourselves, and acceptance, that it’s all right because God wants us to be as we are. And if They didn’t, we wouldn’t be that way.
And I know I’ve gone over and over the same points, and writing it is easy enough, but living it is something altogether near impossible if you ask me. Marion and I go over and over all these points continuously. We discuss aspects of it every day because our feelings continuously bring it up again and again, over and over. Like you said Sam about the Snakes and Ladders, it’s up and back down, a slow grind, over and over, but it’s all stripping away the minds control whilst allowing the feelings to come and grow in strength.
I’ll stop going on about it, you’ve probably been ground into the mud if you’ve managed to read it all. I possibly don’t even know what I’m talking about, and Marion might say something very different.
And it’s so good to hear Beauty is feeling better singing away. The creatures fully accept themselves, they are fully self-loving. And when they feel bad they feel bad and express those feelings, and when they feel good they feel good and express those feelings.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
This helps me so much James and I do understand what you have written. I do exactly what my parents did to me and blame myself, even as a child I can remember taking the blame for what others did so they wouldn't have to get into trouble, I would rather suffer than them and I still do it now. I want to spend some time feeling about what you have brought to my attention and how bad I am feeling about myself at the moment, I want to just feel bad as you have said with out the punishment and constant battering of myself, just accept that I feel really bad and let my self feel it with out judgement. So much is flooding back to me from times in my life when I have taken the blame for when others have hurt me, even as a kid a little boy broke my two fingers and I said to Mum and Dad I hit them on a wall, I couldn't stand to get him in trouble. There have been many times like that and times when Dad would scream at my brothers and I would cry and be terrified and plead with dad not to shout at them and say it was my fault, I was terrified and didn't want them to feel that terror. So much to feel about James so I wont go on because I need time for this, it is all very upsetting to remember that fear but I am going to allow myself to just accept it and feel it. I have wanted to stop others from feeling bad, I cant stand for them to feel bad or as terrified as I did. I wanted to stop them from feeling and make it all better for them and take it all on myself. Mum did this all her life, I can see it now and where it came from, even though she would cause a lot of the trouble.
Thank you for the time you have spent with helping me on this, it has moved a lot inside of me. I am going to spend some time reading through what you have wrote and work with it. Speak soon James.
Sam, oh god, I have to apologise for my post last night. The information I wrote I’m still happy about, but I’ve realised thanks to talking with Marion about it this morning that my motivation for writing it was wrong.
I’m so sorry if you felt I was trying to stop you feeling your deeper bad feelings, and I expect you to be angry with me for interfering, for trying to soften what you’re feeling, because I was. I didn’t really understand that was what I was actually doing, but now I see it more clearly.
So of course you’ve got to beat up on yourself as much as feel you have to, because those are your feelings, they are real and making you feel that way, you’d not want to do it if you didn’t have those feelings; and it’s for the likes of me to say you can’t, or you shouldn’t do it and be that way, or you should be easier on yourself. As Marion says, if it’s all in her that way, then she’s got to be allowed to fully feel and express those dreadful self-loathing feelings. And I don’t want to try and stop you or interfere by distracting you by making you read all that stuff which doesn’t apply now anyway and something you’d naturally come to in future yourself.
So again I am so sorry for butting in. I will write about more about how it’s affected me later after the BB, it’s helped me see more about myself; so really I want to say, don’t read it, it’s not applicable, I shouldn’t have written it with the motives that I did. You are of course free to feel and express all you do feel, and it’s not for me to say no you can’t, you must stop and behave the right way, that being, the way that doesn’t scare or upset me.
So it’s good you expressing and saying all those self-hating things Sam; Marion says, good, good, good, keep going, it takes time but it’s all right and what you are meant to do.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
All I can do is as Marion says, be in it, be as bad as I feel, as bad as I was meant to feel as a child. I cant be any other way because I know that would be denying the truth of how bad I feel. I have thought about stopping the self punishment but it is there, right in me to do that so I am doing it to find out the truth of why I do it, get to the root cause of where it all began and I can only find that out by feeling it all. God, its all so bloody awful to now have to allow myself to be bad, angry, fucked off. Its all such a turn around from what I have been taught by Mum and Dad, never to express anger, rage, upset, only Dad was allowed to do that and blame all of us for how he felt, that is why I feel so bad , so guilty, so to blame.
I will just keep going with it all James, all the shit.
I cannot be angry at you James or anybody, I still have the feeling in me that I am not allowed to, only my Dad is allowed to be angry, I will be punished for it. I still feel this deeply James and have a lot to feel about how incredibly sad I feel inside, almost distraught about upsetting anybody and making them feel bad and in pain, I still don't want others to feel bad because of my anger. I am still repressing my anger in fear of hurting anyone else and making them feel the pain I felt at receiving my Dads anger, I felt it bubbling underneath all my life so it is a big one for me to feel about. Even the thought of getting angry at anyone fills me with grief and deep pain, the grief and pain I felt as a kid.
I’ve not felt as demented as I feel now. It’s been a harrowing day, a flood of bad feelings and seeing so many bad things about how I am, it’s too much, and the closer I get to the truth of it all, the more it rips up in me.
Sam I did think I’d be writing more as I said but I doubt it will happen now. Too much is happening to me about my inability to have a relationship and to be able to express myself and connect and feel deeply about and be close to another person. It wasn’t part of my early life so I don’t how to do it. And it’s flooding to the surface about how fucked I am. It’s taken all these years of relentless hard work on myself to bring me to this point of seeing the truth of how fucked I am and I feel like I’m only now just beginning to really see the truth of what I’m like in my unlovingness.
Blah, I don’t know if I’ll ever write again, that’s how I feel at the moment, and from your two posts it’s clear what I said hasn’t interfered with you or stopped you from still facing and expressing all your bad feelings, so that’s good and shows you don’t need me, and I don’t want to be the ‘teacher’ anyway, and I don’t want to ‘help’ anyone do their healing, I don’t want to even tell anyone about it anymore. If someone happens to come across the truth of it and wants to do it, well good luck to them, and I wish them well in their struggle.
In many ways I keep feeling even more so like it’s ending, and I don’t even know what that means, only I’m changing so much and seeing so much more about how bad it was with mum, dad and Gran, just how controlled I am and how much I need the other person to tell me what to do, which is how it is with Marion and I, me doing all the things she needs done as she can’t do them herself and the things are endless and increasing all the time.
I don’t even think about the spiritual stuff anymore, I’ve not a thought about it for days now when it was continuous all day and night long before. It’s such a big change I’m going through. My last thought about it all some days ago was just seeing yet more that in fact Jesus didn’t do anything for us, he only made it even harder for us as we’ve taken what he said and used it to further evolve our wrongness. I mean, even with his coming back to James Padgett and telling him about the Divine Love, what does that do for anyone when you first have to heal your Natural love for it having anything to transform. So people long and receive it integrating that into their wrongness taking more of what Jesus said and using it even more to further their evilness. So we’ve got the lot now, even with people pretending they are Jesus, what more could there be for us to evolve our wrongness with, other than doing it with Jesus? Is it now having taken all Jesus offered us, that humanity’s next step is to also take all that’s revealed about the Healing and twist that too into more wrongness?
And I’ve been feeling of late that perhaps it’s been wrong of me believing that we can fully heal ourselves whilst we’re of flesh, perhaps at best I might be able to accept a lot of my wrongness uncovering the truth of it, but as to how much I feel today I’m wrong and how much there must still be for me to see, it’s going to take me years and years and far more than my years on the planet to heal it all.
So I’m feel very despondent, very miserable, and totally fucked off about it all and myself and fully hating the Mother and Father for putting us all through it.
So I don’t know what to do about any of it, whether there’s even any point continuing on with the forum, and - do I want to keep writing and posting? I could just do with you if I want privately and give the whole public thing up. But again I don’t know, and if I don’t post for a while I’m still paying attention visiting the forum every day - what else in my exciting life ha, ha, do I have to do, but my focus is on my own dementedness.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Hi James, I understand how you feel because I have the same issues. I never felt close to my family, my parents in particular and they always used to comment about this. Saying that I never involve them in my life, I don't want them showing me affection or love and that is because I never felt it was love but interference and them wanting to be in control of me and wanting me to need them above all, even above God. I never needed them or wanted them and this has continued throughout all of my relationships so I get that you are feeling the inability to be close to another being and the demented feelings it brings.
I have also gone from wanting to help others to now not wanting to do anything with anyone, not even with spirits, I cant help anyone until I work out the truth about why I feel I want to help. My need for power is so in control and I am only just realising that fact because of what you and Marion have shared with me. I would not be helping anyone because I cannot trust my motives for helping at the moment, I cannot trust myself in anything and am questioning everything I do and everything is coming down to my need to be in control and gain some sort of power because I feel so powerless in life, Mum and Dad had all the power over me and my decisions and I am in such a state of rebellion.
Don't feel you have to answer me James, do what ever your feelings lead you to do. xx
Yes Sam, I’ve thought and spoken with Marion about it a lot before, it’s a conundrum: I want to help people, or I think I am by doing all this writing - DLS and the whole Healing thing, and yet how can I truly help anyone when I’m not true? So what am I in fact doing to them? So as you say about yourself, I too am probably doing it all for the wrong reasons, misleading everyone as I mislead myself. Wouldn’t it be better if I just didn’t saying anything until I was healed, then at least being true my motives would not be false, misleading and wrong... but then again, I want my whole writing to be an expression of the struggle I’m in within this mixed up state. So I go this way and that, wanting to stop it all one moment, then when I feel better because I’ve worked through the latest lot of yuk, still wanting to keep going.
So thank you again for your concern and support. And I know I don’t have to answer you all the time - and I’m still working on stuff to do with that and feeling responsible, but not because I do sincerely want to be responsible, but because I was forced to and told it was the right way for me to be, and if I wasn’t - watch out!
And I think it’s good that you have given up with the spirits and trying to help them too, as really I don’t think it’s our place ‘down’ here to help them ‘up’ there, not directly anyway. If any of them happen to be helped by ‘looking in on us’ sure, but we don’t have to know about it, and there are after all more than enough more capable than us spirits over there who can help other spirits. The whole ‘helping’ thing appeals to our ego and need to feel wanted and special because we’re ‘doing a good thing’, all that sort of stuff about ‘fighting for the cause’, but really I think it’s just more of our hidden negative motivations at work.
Right now I’m feeling a bit better than I did the other day. I’ve been in and out of it today, it’s all feelings like my emotions and feelings are pushing up into my head, my mind feels like it’s put in a vice that is squeezed tighter and tighter. And this afternoon I realised it was a lot to do with being with mum and dad when they were angry with each other, yelling and fighting mostly over money when I was young and I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to deal with it, with them, or what to think about the money problems that were arguing about. And not being able to go to them and ask, my mind with all the terrible feelings couldn’t cope and had to resort to crushing my feelings so some sort of sanity and peace of mind returned. All which I’ve kept doing to my feelings by keeping my mind in control. So now with my mind lessening its grip all those same dreadful feelings are surging back up and making me feel how I felt back then - so demented and with nowhere to go.
Today also Marion’s help me realise that I am so dependent on women telling me what to do in life. So it’s right that I need Marion to keep telling me about what I need to do to Heal myself. Just as I also wish a woman or women would come along and relieve me from all my burdens, just take over completely, saying they will do all the spiritual stuff, they know what to do, they will publish my books and see to my writing, they will tell me and organise me, they will even look after all the money side of life and I won’t have to anything, not even the housework or shopping, it all being taken care of for me just as mum, Gran and my sister took care of everything. And with these women all looking after me, even to the point of telling me I no longer have to do anything... I wonder, what I would do, what will there be to do... which is exactly how it was for me at home. Oh, okay then, I will leave the whole spiritual thing to you capable women, you can even live my life for me, and I’ll be off into the garden playing with the bugs and caterpillars... call me when it’s lunch and dinner time - SEE YA!
If I’ve said it once I’ll say it a million times, it sure is incredible how we are exactly the same as we were during our early life, and how our Healing is all about bringing to light how we were and how we felt about it back then - and how we feel about it now still being that way.
xx to you and your little birds.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Post by samantha9 on Sept 11, 2016 17:54:44 GMT 10
I am in such a devastated state as I write this. I let Magic out to fly at 7am and he was having a great time with the other birds, I went inside and I heard him screaming, I ran outside and two adult Magpies were attacking him. I am in total grief and pain about this. These two Magpies have been watching him from when he was a baby so I think they are his parents, and I saw them on the roof tops this morning. To hear him being attacked by his two parents has sent me into such distress and I haven't been able to stop crying. I felt the pain he was in and it touched the pain in me at being so attacked and unloved by the two people who were meant to love me. this has really made me feel the core of my pain in an unbelievably deep way. I feel sick inside and so sad for Magic that he will never be able to be free with out being attacked and this is how I have felt all my life, this is the fear that being me, my true self is to risky, I will be attacked for it. This is my fear and it was played out for me today in an horrific way. I am to scared to be me, it isn't safe as I was shown as a child when ever I tried to do my own will, I got attacked for it, no matter how subtle that attack was, I felt it deeply enough to stop me ever being myself and following my own will, I could never trust that my will was a safe way to go. Magic was enjoying doing what he was doing and he got attacked for it and this is my fear and always has been.
The Magpies are outside now talking to Magic and he is answering them, he is safe in his aviary, they cant get to him but I am devastated that he can never be free.
I just read your post to Marion. She said she didn’t mind me writing her response: Just look at yourself Samantha in the light of controlling everything, that you’re still trying to keep everything under control in the belief that you know how everything should be.
And ask yourself the question: Why am I scared of letting Magic go? What are you protecting him from and what does that mean to you?
One of the things Marion and I have wrestled with throughout our healing and particularly concerning nature is when something is wrong, should we interfere or not. Should you let Magic go and allow nature to run its course. Allowing him to be killed, hurt, chased off, or even perhaps accepted by the other magpies - all whilst you express all the feelings that come up in you. But this is the theory, that of course we shouldn’t interfere, but in practise...
And it all comes down our feelings again Sam, and because we’re all growing at different rates and are at different points, so one can’t just generalise and say, no, we must not ever interfere, for no sooner have you declared that for yourself, and you can bet some situation will happen in which suddenly without you even thinking you are acting and interfering, such as saving a creature from getting attacked - stopping the bad thing from happening.
I saw one of our magpies picking up a frog, shaking it and bashing it around. What should I do? I love the frogs, and I love the magpies too. Should I run and interfere shooing the magpie away, should I allow it to kill the frog even if it doesn’t eat it? All of which was trying to work it out with my mind, trying to have some mental control, trying to lay down the laws - beliefs, by which I live. I believe I should save everything I can... and so on; or, I should not interfere at all and watch in horror everything getting mangled, tortured, suffering abominably... should I save everything so I don’t have to feel bad, should I protect it and love it giving it what I didn’t get, trying to make up for what I lost through it - as that’s what it amounts to, not about whether the creature actually lives or dies.
It’s Jesus’ example to us once again, how the Mother and Father and Mary and Jesus allow us to be. Do you interfere with the Rebellion or not? And if so, how much? Do you end it, and if so, when - when is the right time?
Jesus was attacked by the bully so we read in TUB but didn’t do anything to stop the bully or protect himself, however another friend or was it his brother stepped in and stopped the bully. Jesus didn’t stop himself being nailed to the cross, however Jesus still did what he felt to do, even ending the Rebellion knowingly by bestowing himself on Earth, so where is the line, and how does one know when one steps over it?
Marion and I suffered through three gruelling and agonising days watching the baby magpie that had somehow wandered out of its parents territory, standing piteously in our front garden begging our magpie pair for food as they came up to inspect it. We hoped they might adopt it, or even kill it, but they just ignored it. So there it was staggering with fatigue as the days past unable to move from our front garden. Should we do something, take it to the carer people, but what if there is something wrong with it and it’s not meant to survive, are we being unloving or loving by not interfering with it? In the end it disappeared and I later found it dead in a neighbours backyard. It helped us bring up masses of bad feelings by deciding not to do anything to help it.
Today I watched the fisherman catching squid, watching him leave them alive on the beach suffering whilst he re-baited and set his line up again. Then he cut their heads off. Should I reproach him for not killing them sooner, should I tell him how I think it’s wrong to kill anything, should I not support him by even helping him to see his float has once again been pulled under? Should I judge and condemn him, should I feel I am the righteous one, better than him, far more evolved and closer to God and so on? And what right do I have to stop him being as he wants to be? What right do I have telling the Christians they are wrong, they must not do what they are doing? Where is the line, how much can one interfere, and should we all be able to do what we feel when we feel it, no matter what that is?
So it’s all just a matter of the truth we are living. When we are this level of truth we live this way. When we are no truth we live this way, when we are of Celestial truth we’ll live that way. And all those ways are the relationship or outworking of our mind and feelings, the interplay if you like. So when we are of no truth with your minds heavily in control, so it’s your feelings being dominated by your mind. When we’re half way through our Healing it’s the struggle between your mental patterns trying to assert themselves but being so much weaker with your feelings having more say. Then when you’re Celestial and fully Healing it will be your feelings leading with our mind in support.
So concerning your situation with Magic, it’s always: How is it making you feel? How do you feel keeping him confined for the rest of his life? Does that thought make you feel bad or good - because you might even enjoy having him as a pet? How do you feel about yourself being responsible for him, forevermore? How do you feel letting him go? How do you feel about him being attacked and hurt, killed... how do you feel about him settling into the wild and taking his place and being okay?
Marion and I have been working on this lately yet again: how much should we even say to you? Should we just say, good, keep going... and nothing more, because it’s all for you to work out for yourself and surely you’ll get there. But then again, as Marion was just saying, if she was with you, she’d be fully interacting with you, so she’d be asking you these questions wanting you to explore your feelings more all with the aim of helping you bring more of yourself out, just as she does with me and with herself.
I think the whole area is something of a grey zone, and one that as I said is influenced by the level of ones truth. Jesus and Mary don’t interfere, as you said in your other post about Mary not saying things directly, because they are of such a high level of truth, but as Marion and I are not, still being of the wrongness, we can all relate to each other on those levels.
And the other thing to understand is that there is no right or wrong thing to do. If you felt to let Magic go, and so be it, and he is immediately killed, it’s not wrong of you, and God is not going to punish you, because there is nothing wrong with death, he’s going to die at some time, whether it’s now or in ten years time. But it IS ALL ABOUT ALL THE FEELINGS YOU FEEL. And for all you know, Magic is to provide you with feelings at this time in your Healing, and then in six months time Magic 2 might appear to provide you with more feelings, then Magic 3 and so on.
And so why do we all have to be kept safe, all protected from dying - what’s wrong with dying, or for that matter, even being hurt? We are all so scared of dying, which is only the physical body, putting it first, instead of putting it last. Our body is to show the result of things, it’s last, it’s an outer expression of the inner spirit and emotional self, that which is really important. So Magic can help you look at your fears of death, and of control as you say, and everything else that comes up for you.
So, do you want to imprison the spirit of Magic by keeping his body confined to the cage? Magic’s spirit needs, his mind evolution, might require a severe ending of his physical life? But again, it’s all too mental, but the mental stuff does help us bring up more feelings about it all. Marion and I often thrash it all out using our minds, but afterwards once it all settles then we’re left with our feelings and the action, should any be required, being felt. So you might feel, no, you can’t do it now, you can’t simply let him go, talking and expressing about as much of it as you can, and even deciding that no you will keep him... but then you wake up in the morning and everything has changed and you feel to let him go, and do, come what may.
And yes, regarding my posts like this to you, I am trying to put in it all that comes to mind so as to broaden my presentation of DLS, but hoping also that it might help you.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Post by samantha9 on Sept 14, 2016 20:55:30 GMT 10
Dear Marion and James
Thank you so much for all that you have said to me and the questions that you have asked me to look at with in myself. Everything you said has been in me for weeks and when I read this yesterday I had a massive reaction to it all and really had a good cry. I wasn't sure what I was crying about at first but I just let it happen and it felt so good to allow that grief to all come out of me.
As I was crying I asked Mother and Father to help me find the truth of my grief. I began to feel all the worthlessness come up in me like how I keep doing it all wrong, getting it wrong, not being very good at this and fucking it up again. I felt useless and such a bad girl for interfering in nature and then my Mums words came to me "Sam, if you keep interfering in my conversations me and you are going to fall out". I felt so bad and so unloved so I had a good cry about that. then I began to feel by helping Magic and saving him I would be a good, useful person, be special and have a purpose and be rewarded by God for saving one of his creatures but if God wanted it saved, it would have been ok with its parents. I am trying to keep it all under control, within my comfort zone so I don't have to feel overwhelmed by being out of control, being overwhelmed by feelings of not being able to save it, help it, like the Cat incident where I spent a couple of days in bed crying and not being able to do anything to hep the cat or save it, like not being able to do anything about Harry being at the bottom of a cliff and me not being able to save him or even help. I have to stop Here, I am totally overwhelmed by this and need to cry it out.........
I am back again and want to just write it as I felt it yesterday and wrote it all down.
I am so scared of Magic dying, not being safe, not being able to survive without me. As I was scared of not surviving and not being safe without Mum and Dad. He will not survive without me, he will die, I am doing all I can to prevent him dying so I don't have to feel my own fear of death. I keep him in a cage where no one or no thing can get to him, attack him or interfere with him except ME. I am his saviour, he will be safe with me, the outside world will kill him, I am in total control of his existence, I say if he lives or dies by keeping him caged or letting him go as Mum and Dad did to me. I was only safe when I was doing as they told me, they knew best, as I do. I would be unsafe doing my will, I cant trust myself I could get attacked or even die without them, so Magic needs me or he will die. Like I have caged Magic, I caged myself in the house until I never went out again, that was my cage. I am playing out all this error that I believe with Magic, it is all there in front of me so I can see it. I want to control everything as \my parents did with me, to keep it all safe and alive.
If things get to out of control for me I go into fear, panic, confusion, I don't know myself and I get overwhelmed so I keep it all safe and comfortable, in order so I don't have to feel those awful feelings. Everything I do is to keep me in control, feeling safe, alive, still in power so I dont have to feel myself slipping away. My mind has had such control over me that I am scared to give it up and let my feelings take over, I don't trust them, my mind keeps me alive and safe. I am doing everything I can to stay in control even controlling the life of another creature so I can still feel safe and in control. I feel so scared to let my mind slip away, I don't know what is on the other side I am so terrified of letting my soul take over I feel like I am on a cliff edge but to scared to find out if I will survive if I take the jump, it all feels so close all I have to do is take a step off but I cant I am to terrified, I will die.
I don't want Magic to die so I have to keep him safe, He triggers every fear in me when I let him out, he flies off around the garden and I feel so scared that he might go over the fence, he will die. I don't want him to feel any pain or terror so I interfere to make it all better just as Mum did constantly and still does, everyone else comes first and I am on the very bottom of the list.
I am scared of Magic being in pain and dying, it is to devestataing for me, I cant cope with the greif.
Last Edit: Sept 16, 2016 0:11:01 GMT 10 by samantha9
Yesterday morning I was called by the cloths shop Primark, to come and collect a little baby bird that had flewn into their store window and knocked himself silly. I went down town and picked him up, he was in a box and when I got home with him I put him in the Avery to see if he would heal. About an hour later he was flying around and eating quite happily so I let him go and it was so good to see him fly off.
He has stayed in my garden and is still there now but the funny thing is an adult Robin has adopted him and as soon as I brought him home the adult Robin flew onto the cage where he was and that told me that this little bird was a baby Robin as I wasn't to sure. It was lovely to see.
The two are inseparable now eating together and flying off together, I am amazed at it all and how this adult has taken on this little one, so beautiful its amazing. I took the photos this morning and they look great together and I feel great inside as I see them together, so accepting, so unconditional, it just WOW's me.
How wonderful that it adopted it. Have you heard of that sort of thing before? What a lovely red breast, and such a cute little bird and so unafraid. I just love all the birds. I saw a scarlet honeyeater the other day at the BB. And what a treat, I feel it's the only good thing that happens to me other than my Healing. He was magnifcent. The birds were all fighting in a tree near were I was standing, and in looking in to see what was going on, there right in front of me with Mr Scarlet. Apparently there are a few of them around this year, they've come down from up north. He's only a little thin 'person', and about 10cm but god he was stunning.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I am still obsessed by these two Robins and today I was sitting out in the garden and the adult came and sat right next to me, what a moment, I cried. I was reading up about them and they are very territorial and attack other Robins coming into their domain but this isn't the case with these two. I never thought I would be so taken by birds and its all in my garden. I looked up a Scarlet Honey eater and wow, they are so beautiful and vivid red, just incredible James. Trevor bought me some Bird watching binoculars yesterday and I love them, I can see so much more, I can see the Robins open their beaks to sing, it has made it all the more special to see them so closely with Binoculars.
I was woken up really early by a squealing outside, I knew the sound, it was a starling bird in distress. I looked out of the window and it was in the tree outside being attacked by Magpies. I have been watching it for the last couple of hours and it is just hanging upside down in the tree by its foot, its stuck. I have been out there with my binoculars and there is nothing I can do to save it. I have cried at what it is going to go through as it cant be saved unless it frees itself and it is now to exhausted to and that is just how I feel. I talked to it telling it and thanking it for showing me the truth of how I feel. All upside down just hanging, being picked on and having to put up with it as I cant get away, I cant escape this is how it was for me as a child. The Starling is ME and the two Magpies are mum and dad having a go at me then leaving me alone, then coming back to carry on, then going off again and just leaving me hanging in fear and waiting for them to return and finish me off.
I feel like I want to save this little bird because it is me, who is going to save me, no one. I feel so helpless as I cant get to it, its hopeless and it is going to die eventually and I cant stop it happening. I want to save it so much but it is out of my reach and I am feeling so scared for it, scared for the pain it will endure as the Magpies peck it to death, so painful. I have been standing at the bottom of the tree saying to it how sorry I am that I cant save it and I feel devastated inside. I have to let it go through its pain as I have to, it has brought up a lot in me to feel about. How helpless I was to change any thing and still am. I cant save it, I couldn't save me, I just had to be scared stiff and let it all happen. Mum and dad had me hanging, they had me. They controlled me and I lived a life of wanting it to be all so different and I created so many fantasies of how I wanted it all to be, how I wanted my life to be and still do that, go off onto my dream world, not as much now but I catch myself doing it and realise what I am doing and feel about why I do it.
I was trapped like that bird is, it is still out there now flapping now and again in one last attempt to get itself free but it cant, it is trapped and just awaiting its doom. It's like when mum would say 'Just you wait till dad gets home' I would wait and shit myself with fear when he came in and mum said I had been bad or some shit like that, what a cow passing it all on to dad, all of her dirty deeds, making him do the horrible stuff so she didn't look like the bad one, she would get dad to tell us off and threaten us with 'dad'. No wonder I was so scared of him, she put the fear into me then he had to follow it through and he was so big and scary like the Magpies to the Starling, mum started it all and got dad to finish it off, what a devious cow making me believe she was the good one and dad was the ogre.
I am powerless to do anything about this bird, it is me and I was powerless to do anything about mum and dad, just take it all and live in fear of doing anything wrong, a constant anxiety like the birds anxiety of hanging there waiting to be killed. It all makes sense why I was woken up with it, hearing its distress calls, I couldn't do that, I wasn't allowed to moan or show any disobedience or anger towards mum and dad, I had to be obedient and take it all quietly when I wanted to be like that bird, squawking and screaming and flapping with panic and fear and disagreement, I wanted to make a noise and tell them to fuck off and let me do what I wanted to do but that was all a fantasy inside my head of how I could retaliate with my venom, fire and anger at them, wow I had such rage, such fire inside but there it all stayed, inside me all being suppressed and burning me instead of them, I burnt myself out like that bird is doing, exhausted with all of the pain and fear that went unexpressed. Inside I felt dead.