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Post by samantha9 on May 5, 2016 10:41:39 GMT 10
So much has happened to me since Trevor left and I have been feeling attack from everything around me and being in a state of confusion as to what's going on, its been an awful time.
Trevor's leaving me has been building up over time as every time we had a conversation our opinions were in conflict with each other and I wouldn't compromise my feelings about Divine Love but had to begin to keep my feelings to myself and I felt very shut down which also felt very unloving so it came to a ending this week. Since Trevor left things begun to happen in my Law of attraction that really have concerned me, such as the Birds I feed have been attacking each other, killing their babies and dropping them in front of me and crapping all over the car, only my car, no one elses and it is covered, I clean it of twice a day and this never has occurred before, the birds are even flying into the windows, its crazy and really disturbing me.
I have been in such a confusion about this really unloving act of nature towards me and I have felt attacked by them and so sad about this but tonight, as I was trying to feel about all this and what it is telling me I suddenly realised it is all showing me the way I am self attacking, hurting myself and taking the blame for what happened, telling myself I am the most evil person in the world for driving everyone away from me. Because Trevor had shut me down so often I could not tell him how I was feeling so I wrote it all in my journals and worked through it with God but Trevor read them while I was out and hated what he read as I am very descriptive with my feelings when I am healing, I have to pour it all out and then read it aloud to God and this usually ends in floods of tears as I release the pain. Trevor and myself were not on the same path and he didn't support my ways of healing so I felt more and more removed from him and I couldn't bear the pain of being shut down, it felt so wrong so the end came as we both knew it would, it is all very sad as he had helped me with so much and is very loving but in the natural love way, my soul was withdrawing further every day.
Since he has gone from my life I have been attacking myself with self blame because he told me he has never been hurt so badly by anyone and told me not to ever have another relationship where I can do so much damage to someone, I have been crushed by his words and felt the shame and devastation I cause and this is because he read my healing journals, and he was not open to me telling him the truth, I wanted to so much but I felt a constant feeling from him that he didn't want to know and thought what I was doing did no good, he believes it is the Mind of God and all that mind healing stuff and it went against everything I feel is true. It was a constant conflict when ever we had a conversation Mind against Soul, and isn't that just the problem anyway, the minds control and dominance over the soul.
I have been attacking myself just the way Mum did, I even felt like her when I realised what I was doing, I would rather attack myself and take on the blame he directed at me rather than feel the fear and terror so the self attack is an avoidance of feeling fear and nature was showing me this. The birds are showing me how unloving I have been to myself, I am shitting on myself, I am attacking myself, I am killing myself with this unloving act of self blame. The whole week I have been believing I am the most evil person on the planet but I now feel it is evil to shut someone down constantly and I have blamed myself.
Every day I go outside to see if the other cars are crapped all over and it is only mine, and I mean covered, the birds are acting so mad and flying into me nearly and I have been thinking it is because I have been a bad person and they are showing me but I am sure now that it is not that because I thought that when I understood what they were showing me, it would stop but it has got worse so it couldn't be right, then tonight I went back into it all and caught myself slipping back into self attack and that was when I awakened to the cause of the Birds crazy behaviour, they are attacking me because I am attacking me, even attacking their babies and showing me, my son buried them today and couldn't believe what was going on with the birds.
I am going to do some major feeling healing tomorrow and see how their behaviour changes towards me, I feel so sure that I have hit the nail on the head and now it is a case of getting into that fear that my self attack is covering and finding out what that is about. Nature will show me if I have released the pain and hopefully calm will be restored within the bird world.
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Post by James on May 5, 2016 21:01:41 GMT 10
Oh god Sam, as if it’s not hard enough with all you’ve had to go through with Trevor, then having to be in such a bizarre thing with the birds.
I read your post to Marion, we both think you are incredible being so committed and determined to work it all through, and all by yourself. Marion had a few things to say which I’d like to convey to you, I hope I understand and can write them truly as she said them.
She said that it’s right all that’s happened because you were not being true to yourself - to your feelings. That ideally you should have brought out all your bad feelings about him not wanting to listen to you right from the beginning and stuck with that, needing him to listen to you and accept all you feel, and if he wasn’t prepared to do that, then to say this can’t go on. You probably see this yourself, but Marion was saying it’s actually deceitful to go off on your own away from the person in your life whom you are sharing it with, speaking all your stuff to God and not facing the problem head on - that you don’t get on. That you changed because of wanting to be true, but should not have compromised yourself (easier said than done!) because you did’t want to the relationship to end, so ending up being false by having to have a secret relationship with God and everyone else you speak to. Marion has always brought out all the bad stuff she feels about me in our relationship. She says it’s all her, it’s all how she is, how she feels, and as she wants to be true, so in her intimate relationship that is what she demands, and the other person can’t deal with that, so be it, it can’t go on. Mind you, she’s taken all her healing to get to this point. And she didn’t have to actually end it with me as I have accepted her and wanted her to ell me all she feels about herself and about me, as much as I’ve hated so much of it. And I try to do the same with her, so we don’t keep anything secret from each other. Although I do often without understanding that I am, because I am not aware of the feelings involved and so don’t think or feel to express them, but I don’t mean or want to. However we embarked upon our healing together, agreeing that it was the basis of our relationship right from the start, whereas I don’t think that was how it was with you and Trevor, with it being something you decided you wanted to do.
But now at least you are free to not compromise yourself, and requiring your partner to listen to ALL you have to say will no doubt be the priority in future, because as you know, if you can’t freely express ALL of yourself, so ALL you feel about yourself and also about them, then what is the relationship anyway? Of course we can all decide to have whatever relationship we want, but for me I’m still understanding this and you’ve helped me a lot in all you’ve gone through.
I couldn’t help but think of Eve, she obviously didn’t say all she felt to Adam when they came back together, and of course, on his side, he didn’t say all he felt to her. So that was the cause of their going against themselves and into default. They both in their own ways probably denied so many of their bad feelings when they were together trying to make everything be good, but that was all false and not accepting just how bad their situation was and all the bad feelings they were experiencing.
Marion also said so it’s right (and incredible) that the birds are suffering because of what you’ve done by denying yourself the full expression of all your felt to Trevor right from the start. And although I’m just saying this straight, how else could it have been, and it’s easy to say it all in retrospect. So in a way it’s right that you do blame yourself, but it’s also right all you said in your post about not blaming yourself as well, and looking past the self-blame and self-attack to the feelings they are keeping hidden. That is something I’m continually grappling with, I quickly dump on myself so as to avoid feeling the hurt and pain I’m really feeling by feeling so unloved. It’s easier to get angry with myself than it is to accept my feelings of powerlessness and humiliation being so pathetic, and the truth that I am a screw-up and do keep making so many mistakes, and all the hurt that goes with that. And I think that’s incredible that you can do that, Marion thinks your marvellous being able to move deeper into it doing it all by yourself.
One other point she said was in regard to the birds and all they are making you feel, to remember to accept yourself being so mad and confused and evil and whatever else you feel that the birds are helping you feel. To even go so far as to say yes it’s right birds, shit on me, kill all your babies because of me, because I am as bad as I am. This is not however just beating yourself up with self-blame again, but it’s just accepting yourself fully that you are not perfect, that you are bad, and that’s okay. Just staying true to those feelings.
I hope I’ve done a good enough job trying to relay what she said, as you know, she doesn’t want to be personally involved with any of my doings on the internet, wanting to only attend to herself. So please ask me to clarify anything. It’s a pity you can’t talk with Marion person to person. Anyway, if anymore comes to light, or if I think I can explain it any better, I’ll let you know.
And although it does seem like it’s all your fault, of course Trevor is equally to blame on his side, he shouldn’t have rebuffed you in the beginning making you have to pull away and work on yourself away from him. He is equally to blame if blame needs to be allocated, but as you understand it’s not about blaming anyone in the end anyway, it’s just about expressing all you feel and seeing all the truth of it. But if you feel to blame, so blame, even as you’ve been beating up on yourself, that too is good, because it’s as you feel, and you were allowing yourself to be true to those feelings while they lasted, all as you said to help you connect more with your relationship with yourself from your mother.
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Post by samantha9 on May 5, 2016 23:13:59 GMT 10
Thank you James and Marion, this is what I need to hear. I will comment more when I have felt more about it all as so much emotion is coming up today I am having trouble doing anything with the unloving grief I am feeling inside about my denial of myself, it feels like death to me, like me killing me, hating me so much and being so bad that even the birds are killing themselves through my denial. Its so tragic and I am accepting the evilness of how it all truly feels when I deny myself, the pain is excruciating inside and crying and wailing is the only way to relieve some of it. I feel the worst I have ever felt, deceiving myself is even worse than breaking up, now I am out of it all I can see what I have done and how it feels to not express all of myself to a partner, I never want to hurt myself like this again.
Thank you, both of you for the help you are giving to me, this has been a huge lesson for me in love. xx .
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Post by James on May 6, 2016 12:04:22 GMT 10
Marion was saying further to what she said yesterday, that Sam it’s not you who are causing the birds to behave so strangely. That is what you believe, and it’s just what the birds can do, and happen to be doing it at your place, so as to help you see more truth of yourself by plunging you down through the barriers and causing you such distress. She said it would be good if they stopped before you brought out all to do with it, or even kept going after you did, all to help you see that you are not responsible for them, and that that is a huge burden you are carrying - being responsible for the wellbeing of not only the birds and creatures, but all people. And with Trevor telling you that you shouldn’t EVER have another relationship because of the hurt you will inevitably end up causing, that is the same terrible burden to carry, and it’s not true. And that deep within you believe you can’t have relationships because you will cause the pain and hurt he said you are causing him, along with all the mass madness as being reflected by the birds; so all in all you shouldn’t exist having any relationships because look at all the havoc you inflict on everyone. And if you can quickly sort yourself out and be back to how everyone else wants you to be, to be ‘normal’ and not expressing all you feel, then the birds will settle down, the world will get back to normal, and you are no longer the bad girl disrupting everyone else’s - your parents - lives.
So fuck them I say, let the whole world go mad because it’s not your fault, it has nothing to do with you, fuck them all, they are mad and you are not mad, look at their horrible mad world. And for all you know it might be the horrible unexpressive worlds fault that is causing the birds such distress, with the birds feeling safe with you because you are at least trying to express your bad feelings, and so empathising with you by expressing the madness they feel is being inflicted on them by the world - the world of your parents.
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