Post by samantha9 on May 5, 2016 10:41:39 GMT 10
So much has happened to me since Trevor left and I have been feeling attack from everything around me and being in a state of confusion as to what's going on, its been an awful time.
Trevor's leaving me has been building up over time as every time we had a conversation our opinions were in conflict with each other and I wouldn't compromise my feelings about Divine Love but had to begin to keep my feelings to myself and I felt very shut down which also felt very unloving so it came to a ending this week. Since Trevor left things begun to happen in my Law of attraction that really have concerned me, such as the Birds I feed have been attacking each other, killing their babies and dropping them in front of me and crapping all over the car, only my car, no one elses and it is covered, I clean it of twice a day and this never has occurred before, the birds are even flying into the windows, its crazy and really disturbing me.
I have been in such a confusion about this really unloving act of nature towards me and I have felt attacked by them and so sad about this but tonight, as I was trying to feel about all this and what it is telling me I suddenly realised it is all showing me the way I am self attacking, hurting myself and taking the blame for what happened, telling myself I am the most evil person in the world for driving everyone away from me. Because Trevor had shut me down so often I could not tell him how I was feeling so I wrote it all in my journals and worked through it with God but Trevor read them while I was out and hated what he read as I am very descriptive with my feelings when I am healing, I have to pour it all out and then read it aloud to God and this usually ends in floods of tears as I release the pain. Trevor and myself were not on the same path and he didn't support my ways of healing so I felt more and more removed from him and I couldn't bear the pain of being shut down, it felt so wrong so the end came as we both knew it would, it is all very sad as he had helped me with so much and is very loving but in the natural love way, my soul was withdrawing further every day.
Since he has gone from my life I have been attacking myself with self blame because he told me he has never been hurt so badly by anyone and told me not to ever have another relationship where I can do so much damage to someone, I have been crushed by his words and felt the shame and devastation I cause and this is because he read my healing journals, and he was not open to me telling him the truth, I wanted to so much but I felt a constant feeling from him that he didn't want to know and thought what I was doing did no good, he believes it is the Mind of God and all that mind healing stuff and it went against everything I feel is true. It was a constant conflict when ever we had a conversation Mind against Soul, and isn't that just the problem anyway, the minds control and dominance over the soul.
I have been attacking myself just the way Mum did, I even felt like her when I realised what I was doing, I would rather attack myself and take on the blame he directed at me rather than feel the fear and terror so the self attack is an avoidance of feeling fear and nature was showing me this. The birds are showing me how unloving I have been to myself, I am shitting on myself, I am attacking myself, I am killing myself with this unloving act of self blame. The whole week I have been believing I am the most evil person on the planet but I now feel it is evil to shut someone down constantly and I have blamed myself.
Every day I go outside to see if the other cars are crapped all over and it is only mine, and I mean covered, the birds are acting so mad and flying into me nearly and I have been thinking it is because I have been a bad person and they are showing me but I am sure now that it is not that because I thought that when I understood what they were showing me, it would stop but it has got worse so it couldn't be right, then tonight I went back into it all and caught myself slipping back into self attack and that was when I awakened to the cause of the Birds crazy behaviour, they are attacking me because I am attacking me, even attacking their babies and showing me, my son buried them today and couldn't believe what was going on with the birds.
I am going to do some major feeling healing tomorrow and see how their behaviour changes towards me, I feel so sure that I have hit the nail on the head and now it is a case of getting into that fear that my self attack is covering and finding out what that is about. Nature will show me if I have released the pain and hopefully calm will be restored within the bird world.