Post by samantha9 on Dec 18, 2015 7:55:24 GMT 10
I have been going through so much pain of late and all I have for help is what you have written James, about your and Marion's healing experiences. To read past writings about how it is ok to hate everything as you have written about Marion in the past. The truth of my awfulness is being shown to me at every turn and how I am so easily manipulated by others, three times in one week I have been conned out of money and it has made me feel so small, so stupid and hating myself for being so gullible, I am so stupid and I have been feeling the depths of the stupidity and hate I feel for myself, so foolish, how I fell for everything because I trusted the two people in my life that I thought I could trust beyond question, my first relationship taught me how to be so gullible and I feel so furious at them for this and at myself.
I will continue with this and feel the full impact of my rage at myself and at them for making me believe lies. This has weakened me beyond words this week and I have the worst cold I have had in ages, it is attacking me as I attack me, as they attacked me. I am full up with pain at this time and my physical condition is telling me the truth of my soul condition, reflecting it perfectly to me to accept it and express it to find truth.
I am spending some time reading over what you have written about Marion feeling so much pain in herself at the way she is, the way her parents created her to be because at this time I am right in that place and it helps me to express my own feelings, not feeling like I shouldn't feel such self hate and shame, but to feel that I must go as far into those feelings that are being shown to me through my feelings to heal them out of me.
Once again James and Marion, thank you for all you express, to me it is vital, its all I have. xx