Thank you James, Thank you Marion.

Marion says I’m not sympathetic to her frailties, or to myself and all my problems. That as I can’t accept myself, feel sorry for myself and respecting myself that I have such problems and difficulties, that I can’t accept her or anyone else. She was saying, which is true, how I come home from a walk berating myself about how pathetic I am, that I can’t even walk as far as I want, that I can’t walk up the hill without everything within me screaming with pain and feeling like I’m dragging a dead weight of my body along. That I don’t feel sorry for myself, sorry for how I was so unlovingly treated growing up and how I am now the poor result of such abuse.

They abused me, so I continue to abuse myself. They disrespected me, so I disrespect myself. I can’t be anything other than how they were - how they were to me is exactly how I am to myself, which is exactly how I am to Marion and everyone else.

And yet daily I keep feeling so angry about myself being how I am - all the wrongness that comes to light, and angry about the world and all its bullshit and all the crap I grew up in and was subjected to, and angry about how my parents treated me.

And daily I feel how much more I hate myself, them, how it was, and the whole world and everyone in it - all except nature.

And as I said to her, but I can’t even allow myself to be as unsympathetic and uncaring and unloving as I am, I can’t even allow myself to hate as much as I do, and bring it all out just being my full hatred-self, or full hating self. I can’t be sympathetic to my unsympatheticness.

So following on from what you said Sam, I am still struggling to acknowledge the hatred I feel, and to allow myself to express it. And then there’s all the layers of it within me that I’m not as yet conscious of and which I am still to uncover. And I struggle to allow myself to keep going deeper, because all I was taught that hating was too strong, it’s not allowed, it will only make bad things happen to me. But as I’m slowly understanding, I am only hating because bad things DID happen to me, and if they hadn’t, I wouldn’t hate, I’d have no need to.

At the Bush Bank the other day one of the women was asking me about my relationship with my mother. We’ve often spoken about it, and I’ve told her bits and pieces about my healing and my approach to life and how I’m trying to heal my repressed childhood shit and so on, all of which she’s accepted and even understood to a small degree. And yet when it came up again and I said I hate my mother, this woman said, oh no you don’t James, you don’t hate her, that’s too strong, you might not like some of how she is, but hate, no, no, no, you don’t hate your mother. As if she knows how I feel about mum. Which is exactly how mum treated me and why I fucking hate her so much, just like how I hated this woman for saying such things to me, for telling me that I am wrong feeling what I feel and that I don’t feel that way, and that I have no right being as I am, all completely disrespecting me and not caring about me, not being sympathetic to me, just as Marion was accusing me of how I am with her. So I’m still getting it done to me as I’m still doing it myself. With the only difference now being with Marion that I am at least getting better at allowing her to say all her worst stuff without saying she’s wrong and shouldn’t and is bad going on about it all all the time.

So as I’ve been able to accept my bad feelings and express something of them, so I’ve been at least able to accept Marion and her going on about hers.

So for me to become loving and caring and sympathetic of myself I first have to allow myself to just feel how I feel, which means, or includes, all the worst of the worst that I feel, and about myself, Marion, anyone else, God, the whole world. So I’ve got to first be true to my rottenness, allowing myself to be as vile, angry, hateful and putrid as I am, and then possibly if and when I ever express it all and accept myself fully being this ‘evil’, negative, unloving person, then something else might happen. All the way along Marion has allowed herself to express as bad as she’s felt about herself, me, the Mother and Father and everyone else, and now she’s feeling better and better about herself. So it’s working for her, and as I’ve only got her example of going against absolutely everything I was taught about myself and what life is, then all I can do is keep going ‘her’ way and see what happens.

But it’s all so very difficult when you weren’t allowed to feel bad. Marion says, they can tell you you can’t feel bad, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop being what you feel, changing yourself into being as they say. But she wasn’t stopped from having her bad feelings when she grew up, she just wasn’t allowed to outwardly express them, whereas I was brainwashed into believing that I didn’t even have them, living as if I never felt bad. Which is so bizarre because I did feel bad a lot, but I just learnt not to pay attention to those bad feelings, to shut them out, put my mind to work fantasising that I was alright, that everything was good, that I didn’t have any problems. And that I never hated - hate being sinful, that evil most nastiest word, worse than swearing... Oh no James, you mustn’t EVER say that, no, no, no.... as if the worst thing imaginable would happen to me if I dared to say, I hate... Well now I say, fuck it, bring it on: I HATE, I HATE, I HATE; and what’s more mum, dad and Gran, it’s about all I feel. And guess what? The most I hate, the people I hate the most in the world are ... You!

So fuck off and leave me alone!  I HATE YOU.

I love all you say Sam, it’s so refreshing to read how you’re just allowing yourself to feel all you do. And what you’ve written today along with everything else you’ve said is helping me to appreciate what I have with Marion. It’s so easy to take things for granted, and even to do so unconsciously because you don’t have anything else to show you what you’re doing and what’s happening is not the norm or unique. So my having Marion and being able to tell her straight to face that I hate... whatever it is I am feeling, something personal about her: I hate what you’ve done to your hair, why did you cut it like that, I liked it how it was... and then go on to say and express all my feelings about why I hate it so I can see the truth of such feelings; and to be able to say, I hate myself how I bite my nails, how I eat too much... and she not saying, which my mother always did and getting angry with me - well don’t do it then! Marion allowing me to say all I feel, encouraging me to go further, to say all the horrible feelings I feel about myself; and about the world, to dump all my yuk that I’m projecting all over everyone saying how much I hate them and why, then helping me and directing me to come back to myself and stay focused on why I feel such hatred, what’s going on deeper in me and how does it all relate back to mum and dad, is all so good. (Sorry for the mouth-full of a paragraph but I enjoyed writing it and just going with its flow.)

Sam I guess what’s happening to you is part of what Mary said some time ago in that you’ll come up against more opposition like that man who treated you so badly at Glastonbury. It’s a hard road you’re on without any backup and support, having to do it all alone. I sure admire you, your determination in allowing yourself to just feel as bad as you do like being sick all so you can see how bad you are.

And it just occurred to me, I wonder if there’s a deeper reason why some women in particular, and probably some men too, will need to do so much of their healing alone - possibly about expressing and bringing to light all their aloneness, overcoming it by submitting to it, because really we are all alone, even though we grow up surrounded by other people.


This morning I woke up being able to see the results of many years working on myself, this being how I am in different situations in life and with different people. How I change. For example, when I’m in the car with Marion I am the young boy with mum or Gran. When I’m in the shop with Marion and I think we should go but she’s still wanting to ask the salesperson more questions I become mum treating her like she’s the annoying child taking up my time with unnecessary things. Then at home if she is struggling to do something, even a small thing like polishing one of silver rings, the vigorousness and repetition of the movement, and suddenly again I’m mum being angry with her wanting to tell her to stop doing that thing, it’s annoying, the boringness of the repetition and having the difficulty. Just stop it, and do as you’re told - as I say! I’m not on her side feeling sympathetic to the difficulty of her having to clean her jewellery, for me it’s - well you shouldn’t have got so much, it’s all your own fault - SO SHUT UP AND STOP COMPLAINING. And then comes my hatred: I hate how you’re always complaining about the things you’re doing when it’s something you want to do...

All these behaviours I have in these situations we’ve worked on repeatedly over the years, gradually teasing out the intricate dynamics of what’s involved - of who am I now in this situation. And for years Marion would see it and tell me and I’d fight her saying she wasn’t right, but I’d listen whilst she painted the picture, and now I’m able to see it for myself in my own actions. I can feel myself switching from being mum or dad to being the child to being Gran to being someone I saw on TV or in a movie or whilst out shopping, all the roles I’ve been made to play, have been subjected to and have observed, that I thought were important and how you’re meant to be in life, and all that I’ve believed are my being a kind, caring, considerate, compassionate loving person - which couldn’t be further from the truth, it all being lies and falseness.

When I do have a slight anger feeling suddenly come up, especially when Marion is doing some innocuous little thing, and then I can bring it straight out saying how much I hate her doing what she’s doing: the noise she is making, the way she does whatever it is, what she just said, even the one word she used, and she just takes it all, even asking me about it or encouraging me to go on; after all the bad feelings are gone and I see why it is that I’m angry, I feel so good, and I’m still not used to it. That it actually works, that the anger is only repressed stuff that is resulting from something from my early life. And once it’s out in the open, it’s such good feelings of relief and feeling clear, and that I’m no longer stuck, I can move on, I’m more expansive in a sort of way, and the thing Marion was doing or said I’m no longer angry about. But gee, through the day, and some days more than others, there are so many of these small things that I feel bad and angry about. Just one after another. And even though I feel bad about being angry with her and telling her how I hate her time and time again, it is all a clearing away and I don’t hate her and are no longer angry with her after it’s gone. It certainly is an incredible process and experience to have, and one that goes against everything we’ve been told.

But what I hate the most is how powerless I am in all my yuk. It comes up, I see it, I express as much as I can about whatever is making me feel bad and all my bad feelings, but still nothing changes. I mean, there is always incremental changes going on with each bad feeling expression, I can see that in retrospect and how it all adds up and suddenly I have changed, but mostly I feel like I’m not making any progress and I feel so stuck, so rigidly bound into my beliefs and behaviours and with no way ever of ending them. I hate that, feeling I can’t change myself when I see what’s wrong. And being forced to just give up and accept my powerlessness, which is of course what I had to do all throughout my childhood. And then just trust that when I no longer need to be the way I am I will change, which does happen, but as I said, too slowly for my liking, I want it instantly fixed, which is again what mum and dad demanded of me to do, to instantly stop it and instantly change myself.

And speaking of major changes, which I’ll add here whilst I’m feeling like writing, a couple of weeks ago Marion and I both at the same time underwent another big food change, we both suddenly felt we didn’t want to eat vegetables anymore. And this for me is unheard of, life without vegetables means I will get instantly sick! I hated having to eat some of them when I was young, mum was a very bad cook, but to reject all vegetables especially when only a few weeks before the change I was craving Brussel sprouts and potatoes. And we’ve started eating avocados and bananas. We’ve not had them for years and now we love them. And up until recently I’ve always had to eat throughout the day, regular and irregular meals. But suddenly I’ve been happy to have scrambled eggs or half an avocado in the morning and then not feeling like I need anything else for the rest of the day, even doing a full days work at the Bush Bank. It’s so odd not feeling hungry.

And then being at the Bush Bank and seeing the reaction of the woman Jenny who runs it when I said I didn’t bring any lunch because I don’t feel like eating, she couldn’t deal with it and I had to have at least some fruit to ease her pain and inner conflict. Then she started to feel pressured because she had to buy extra stuff or share her own lunch to feed me, which is all so bizarre when I’m about fifteen years older than her and yet she is treating me like I’m her child. I’d hate to be her child, it would probably grow into a huge balloon being continually stuffed full of food. And this is another part of my healing I’m having to come to terms with, which obviously you are too, that as I change other peoples reactions to me change, and I’m not used to them, no longer is anything predictable, so mostly more bad (although some good as well) feelings to deal with. But at least I feel like I’m more in life, having an impact on my space and being truer to myself rather than being a tall waif floating around aimlessly not wanting to upset anyone because I’m so scared of them being angry and disapproving of me.

Hi Sam, I too have not felt like writing anything lately, however I’ve not been feeling as bad as you have. It’s certainly deep stuff you’re going through, so intense, and I hope it does all come out of you. And that was nice with Jesus; both he and Mary have said they are very close to you, which you’d think would be so with all the hard work you are doing with yourself. I can imagine them being with you far more than with any of the channels who claim they are speaking with Jesus, as you are sincerely wanting to live true and be as they are; and what a good way to connect with you it being so personal, and interesting it was Jesus and not Mary. Do you have any idea why it was Jesus?

It’s so good that you can just allow yourself to feel it all, not trying to control or condition it, just letting it all come up and responding accordingly. I do hope you feel better and yet I know even more so that we’ve all just got to go through it in our own ways. Still every day I feel more sure and better and stronger about it all, and understanding that very few people will be able to - and most are not meant to - begin their Healing whilst of the physical until the next age begins. I’m changing every day in my relationship to the world and everyone who is not striving to live true, letting go, stepping back and observing, not trying to put my side across.

And part of this being that I don’t want to keep putting all my stuff on the internet, so on the forum, for the time being. I only want to respond to you and anyone else should they come along. It’s all part of my withdrawing, reassessing, all with the possible intention of starting again some day in a different way.

Yesterday I felt so miserable sort of remembering being shaken so much by mum. Even thinking again about it now as I write this makes me feel like my head is going to fall off and I feel sick like I’m going to throw up and I’m so scared I go numb. And then so miserable about how she treated me. I feel she and Gran really did my spirit in, broke my will so to speak but crushed my spirit, so I feel all but useless, with no future, no life, nothing to look forward to, and just waiting to see what the Mother and Father have in mind. However as I said, nothing so intense or bad as what you’re feeling and going through, and actually just enjoying the time when I don’t feel as bad being with Marion and doing nothing much other than talking about our yuk.

I have done a little writing with one of the Celestials which I think you’ll find interesting and I would like to post it or send it to you over the next few days but I’ll see how I feel, if I feel like getting around to finishing it and re-reading it.

It is so difficult feeling so nothing, so uninspired, blank, can’t do anything, don’t want to do anything - all because they didn’t let me.

Anyway, I do hope you feel better because you bring it all out and I’m looking forward to reading what truth comes to you.