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Post by James on May 28, 2015 21:51:10 GMT 10
She felt scared, and so did I.
“She said she felt scared that they wouldn’t make it, yet I told her they’d be all right, even though I too felt scared that they’d not make it.”
I read this in a book, it’s what we say to each other, the one saying they feel bad is told that it’s okay and the bad thing won’t happen. “It will be all right...; everything will turn out right, you’ll see...; the bad thing won’t happen to them... Why can’t we just say “Yes, me too. I too feel scared that it won’t be all right.”
We’re not allowed to be together in our bad feelings. We have to keep playing the game doing what we believe is the right thing to do - trying to stop the bad feelings, trying to make them go away. And trying to make them go away in the other person - ‘helping’ them, being so-called caring by staying positive and not allowing yourself to be swept along by the bad feelings. So we keep being untrue ourselves, overriding our own feelings. All of which is far more damaging than just allowing ourselves and the other person to feel how we and they are feeling.
And really it’s because we want God (and our parents) to come and say it will be all right and everything will be good and no bad things will happen. But God doesn’t come and the bad things keep happening.
So God allows us to feel bad, God doesn’t prevent us from feeling bad. God let’s us feel bad and doesn’t tell us anything. So when God doesn’t intervene, why do we think we have to, stepping in taking over and trying to control how we feel.
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Post by wesley on Sept 27, 2015 10:47:06 GMT 10
Hi James. That's wonderful news about Marion. It's awe inspiring as I felt her joy while taking a walk tonight. It is also great for the world to use about feeling healing. What a journey you both are going through. A pair that seems so relentless to find that True path. And I never give my time at all on sites as I didn't with the Divine Love forums. But here it brought out everything about us all. You Marion and Samantha show that there is no limitations in ANYTHING about oneself. Nothing to hide or self deny. And also Desire2bme if your still peeking in. Maybe one special day Marion can write. Would love to hear from her.
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Post by James on Sept 27, 2015 15:49:19 GMT 10
I’ve been made to be concerned about everyone else’s feelings and not my own. Then I’m to fix their problem so as to make their bad feelings go away. So I don’t allow them to have their feelings.
It’s been, and still is, very difficult to allow Marion to just have her bad feelings, without trying to take over and do whatever it is I think will stop her feeling bad. As if I have all rights to simply step in and tell her how to be, which is how I was of course parented. And so I say no, stop feeling that feeling, and she is meant to instantly, just like they made me do. So I stop myself, I don’t allow myself to feel my bad feelings, and also any good ones for that matter, stepping in by using my mind to take over and block them out. And it’s all so automatic, I don’t even know I’m doing it, not until I make Marion feel bad by interfering with her feelings, forcing her to say stop it, leave me to have my feelings, stop trying to stop me having them.
Hi Wes, thanks for all your support. I told Marion you’d like her to post one day - she just laughed and said that’s nice. Increasingly she hates the world and wants to have as little to do with it as she can. Increasingly I’m doing more of the practical out and about shopping things. She says as she was forced so much through her life to do things she didn’t want to do and things that were too hard for her to do, and now that she doesn’t have to do them she’s feeling so relieved and good about that. She’s happy sitting - as walking hurts too much after a while - reading about other peoples lives; she’s steadily working her way through her collection of books she bought over the years from the op shops whilst she was still going to them, but she doesn’t want to do any of what other people do herself.
The day after her giving up the tea she suddenly felt all woozy and craved it, so started on it again, but that only lasted for a couple of cups and today I bought a range of herbal ‘teas’, so she’s happier now working her way through each of them.
Slowly each day I’m feeling better and more confident about all the spiritual stuff. It’s as if it’s just becoming me now, not just a mental understanding. I can’t even begin to understand how most other people don’t see it and live it as I do. It seems all so real and natural. I’m still going through big inner shifts, still eating too much then feeling so stuffed full of food I can hardly move, so then having to express all those feelings and the fears driving my eating need. Still I’m seeing more clearly how my parents unlovingly treated me, each day I feel I’m becoming the truth of it more, just knowing it now, seeing it and knowing its real as I feel I am it, still me from back then as I am me now. And still my yuk is leaving me, slowly but surely I can feel it going; but still most days I feel utterly bored and wretched. I no longer feel miserable, that seems to have gone along with most of my anger, but I still want to get on in life and do something, as I was always stopped from doing, and not being able do anything - as there is nothing I want to do - brings up a lot of frustration.
I’m still posting on my new blog, although I can’t be bothered critiquing other spiritual and religious stuff as I thought I would do with the blog, instead I’m happy to just use it to keep posting my own work. I also post the blog articles in the Prophecy section of Before It’s News resulting in quite a few people visiting my sites, downloading some of the books and visiting the forum, along with the occasional comment. I do wonder if anyone new will ever write and say hi on the forum. The Mother and Father keep telling me to keep writing and posting, often I think I might give it all up; and They say for me to do what I feel, and so far I keep feeling to post. And lately also I’ve been telling Them that I only want to post and write what They want me to do, and to say and express myself as They would like me to. I know They are always behind it all anyway, but I have felt I’ve wanted to write and make it all happen and do it all for myself. And I feel I’ve all but done that now, I’m feel more satisfied with it, even to the point of no longer needing to do it as I have needed to. So I feel more like giving it over Them. Slowly giving my whole life in a way over to Them.
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Post by James on Oct 20, 2015 13:46:32 GMT 10
I know Sam and Wes you understand all of this, but it’s endless my need to write it all over and over, always moving to express it a little differently as I understand it more truly. I feel like I’m filling in holes. Marion and I talk about some aspect of it, and that inspires me to write about it.
Parents are still the needy child that didn’t get what they wanted from their parents. And never will, going through the rest of their life and on into spirit still needing what they can’t get. And we put it on our children to fill the hole; and on our partner, even ourselves in various ways, on our pets, on God, spirits and angels, on work, sex, food, drugs, alcohol, and anything else that makes us feel good.
We’ve been dragged down a track by our parents and the track is against our true self expression so we’ve become untrue and false. And because of that we should be sick, and yet we do all we can to stop ourselves being what we are, doing yet more things to overcome the results of our wrongness. An endless cycle of being unloving to ourselves. Moving away farther from the truth of ourselves. Always with the forlorn hope of finally finding that thing or person that is going to make us feel good, is going to fill in our love-gaps and fulfil all our outstanding needs.
But nothing’s ever going to change until we take ourselves back along the track. The brambles have got too thick, they are too hard to keep trying to forge our way through. So we are to give up, submit and surrender to all the bad feelings we are running away from, to backtrack, right back to the beginning.
Parents are not capable of meeting the needs of their children because their needs weren’t met. It’s a vicious circle of which we remain mostly ignorant of.
We need to grow up in a group of loving adults, not just with one or two parents. One parent can’t fulfil all the needs of a child. We need to be able to move from adult to adult feeling loved, secure, welcome and happy, expressing all we feel and receiving the necessary feedback to ensure we’re fully coming into being and all our feelings are being taken seriously and taken care of.
We are feeling-creatures, we need to live so all of our feelings are put first, so everyone can express all they feel continuously and without any interference, with everyone’s feelings being equally attended to. We all need to feel happy and loved, and that can only happen when we are fully expressing all we feel knowing everyone is very happy about us doing so. Any slight rejection of our feelings, which is of our self, makes us feel bad. And all bad feelings, all rejection should be immediately attended to. Not overlooked, not, not cared about, and never should we be made to feel we are unloved, unworthy, not wanted as we are, hated and rejected.
So we have to attend to our own outstanding needs if we want to feel truly happy, loved and fulfilled. We have to attend to our feelings ensuring we are being true to them, even if they are based on our wrongness. We have to be true, always - true to our wrongness and rightness. True to all the feelings we feel in either state. And as we embrace those feelings, express them and long for their truth, gradually we’ll attend to those outstanding needs filling in all the holes.
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Post by Sam M on Oct 22, 2015 3:18:42 GMT 10
I have been in a state of such sadness for the last couple of days feeling everything that you have been writing about James. Feeling the sadness of how, as a child, I felt so denied and no one to express this to. I feel so sorry for my child/Adult self so devoid of love from all adults that were around me, what hope did I have, and it does all feel so hopeless. Still, even now having no one. I shut the shop and just got under the duvet and cried. I have also developed a terrible cough that has been so attacking of me. Coughing none stop until it hurts so much I cry, annoying everyone because it is persistent at night and no one can sleep because of my hacking. The cough is attacking me the way I am being attacked for doing it, the way I attack myself, the way my parents attacked me, not physically but emotionally. My cough is bringing me all the guilt I feel of being such a nuisance to everyone and I have been spending time expressing that sadness of being such a pain. I am coughing it all up, all of the repressed emotion and it is hurting and very resistant to coming up, choking me and making me gag. I have been dealing of the pain of the rejection of my healing in this way also, constant rejection from people I care about but wont accept this part of me, I am not accepted for following my own will and desires and people don't want that for me as my parents didn't. Always so much to feel about, so much denial and so much interference but my healing is all that my life is about now and to feel how just with the Acceptance alone, of a feeling, a peace and such an openness overcomes me to lessen the resistance, then allowing me to go into expressing of that feeling and revealing the truth of it. Nothing compares to that amazing achievement.
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Post by James on Oct 24, 2015 18:20:19 GMT 10
Marion too is coughing up all her yuk. She goes through feeling all chilled and sore in and around her chest and then coughs and coughs making such horrendous noises all of which make me angry as incredibly they sound just like the horrible noises mum used to make when she had colds. So I yell at her to shut up as I try and express my repressed anger at mum, and she makes even worse noises feeling so good that she can now get it all out whereas when she was young she wasn’t allowed to having to keep it all in. And she delights in being able to keep going and stuff me and not stop just because it upsets me - another person, she no longer having to do what they - her parents - say.
It’s interesting Sam how you had such an intense traumatic experience with the cat and now you’re bringing up all this deep yuk on physical following the emotional, spiritual, mental and will levels you’ve been going through.
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Post by wesley on Nov 5, 2015 22:33:23 GMT 10
Yes James. Great news. I was always waiting to here some good news from your camp. I even felt good inside myself for her. And seeing something done on earth that's lead by a leader. The first to bring out all you are writing about. I am truly inspired by her. Making me truly to understand that there was always something I felt that was true in doing ones healing. Wow I wonder how having those feelings feel.
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Post by James on Nov 6, 2015 21:28:16 GMT 10
Thanks Wes for your reply, and yes I’ve asked her that - how does feeling good feel, and no longer having all her self-criticalness, no longer believing she’s the most vile, ugly and putrid person on the planet, liking herself more each day, and still looking forward to getting up out of bed and happy to live life as it comes rather than wishing she were not only dead but ceased to exist, and she says... it just feels good, as if it’s the most natural feeling for her to have and like that’s how she’s always felt. She’s not one for making a big of thing of that sort of thing, taking it all in her stride, just another feeling to express, even though they are good feelings, and allowing herself to feel as good as she feels - no big deal. No big deal! I say, ha!, it’s a huge deal, the biggest deal, I still can’t fathom it. I wish I felt as she’s feeling. And incredibly so, she’s not felt bad for days now, it’s unheard of, I keep expected her too, but no, each day, other than just feeling tired, she still feels fine, she hasn’t even have a headache for a few days now which is very unusual. And surely she can’t go on like this... surely she’s got to feel bad soon... I’ll keep you posted.
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Post by wesley on Nov 21, 2015 2:37:08 GMT 10
I realize how sick I feel living life under the shadows. Living by a thread and wondering who or what is holding up this thread. Like a mouse finding cracks to go through from these dark hallows. I just can't figure out how it is happening. Then I wonder if it was all set free and I was living by a rope instead of a thread. I still will be feeling sick trying to keep up. So I just express how sick I feel. Over and over again. Wow my thread problem becomes that rope because I started to feel better. Why? Am I making headway with my healing. I know I am feeling all these bad feelings but I know I need them now. And it feels like preparation for the woes to come. There is nothing in the world that can possibly stop these feelings. I thought and thinking doesn't make anything better. Thinking doesn't make it so. I tried many times to come up with the plans for normal survival and around the corner another mind problems presents itself. So I'll just keep being sick and tired of my life and keep expressing and longing for the Truth. I see nothing else.
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Post by James on Nov 21, 2015 21:25:05 GMT 10
Lately Wes I’ve been feeling chronically bored. So bored that I want to scream and rip myself and my boring life apart for something to do. Having given up my fantasies that kept me somewhat amused and filled in time, now I have nothing to replace them. Which is all how I felt when I was young - nothing, bored in my boring life. And I am waiting. Working on my feelings but not feeling like doing anything else. How boring it is to keep feeling unhappy all the time. At least when I had all my misery to express it was something to do, now that most of that’s gone there is nothing. I am closer to being my true unloved state, and I feel so fed up with it. I’m sick and tired of my life too.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 2, 2015 18:57:34 GMT 10
As the day gets closer to leaving my shop I am feeling a stronger sense of what is left for me, I cant see anything but a huge void in my future and I have had to feel these feelings deeply to understand that when all of my lies, decoys, avoidances and addictions cease to be met, this is what I am left with - Nothing. All of my untruths are being destroyed, crumbling away and all I can see ahead of me is just a blob which is me, doing nothing and feeling that empty nothingness, I am feeling it everyday as I have nothing to look forward to now, no creating, making, meeting people, talking, all the things that keep me from feeling my nothingness are leaving me so all I have is just to feel how nothing feels and as I feel the beginnings of it all I feel is no growth, a finite place as my addictions come to an end of their reign over me and it shows me how unloving these addictions are and how they keep me trapped in believing I need them because of the fear of feeling how my life is without them.
People ask me what my plans are next and I tell them, Nothing. I have no plans and they don't know what to say to me, they just want to get out as quickly as they can and this made me see how useless people are with out their addictions in life, addicted to having a plan so we don't have to feel, even more addiction to not feeling. I have nothing planned but to sit with my nothingness and feel it fully, feel the truth of my denial of that nothing feeling and how futile all my denial of this has been. Without my addictions I have nothing which shows me my whole life has been based on addictions and not feeling the truth, the whole thing a great big untruth keeping me from the truth through the use of my addictions.
Making stuff, selling stuff, being nice to people and chatting, all keeping me busy so I don't have to feel my feelings, take all that away and what is left for me - Nothing, its all I can see, for the first time in my life I have no plan for the future, I cant see anything but a huge ending to all that I knew, a death I feel, a death of my addictions, my lies, my denial of truth, its all going and I am entering a part of my I don't know, death and re-birth. I am scared of going into the unknown.
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Post by James on Dec 3, 2015 21:59:40 GMT 10
Hi Sam, a very traumatic time for you. You’ve got incredible strength to go through it all, just to do it like you’re doing - going cold turkey. Have you fluctuated in your conviction to stop the business over these past weeks since you started thinking and feeling to end it all?
And it’s such a clear picture you’re painting about your addictions, and as you said, being addicted to denying your feelings. That’s a big one for us all. I find it so maddening how inbuilt it is in me to deny and just not register so many feelings. The more aware I become of my feelings the more I’m able to detect other faint vague ones on the periphery.
I’m feeling like writing even less at the moment. Each day now I feel I’m seeing parts of my relationship with mum and dad face-on. It’s taken me all these years to just reconnect truly with how I really feel about them and why I feel that way. I’ve had to do all the work I’ve done on myself to be able to look them squarely in the face and feel and know exactly how it was for me. The biggest part of it currently is how my speaking expression, and speaking what I feel, was totally shut down, everyone else - mum - is meant to express their feelings (but she never wanted the truth of them) and I am then meant to go along with them having the same feeling, which shows how much mind control I’ve had over my feelings.
Marion doesn’t want me to talk about her on the forum, so I’ll sneak this bit in as lately she’s started to tell me every time she feels it, which is about every couple of hours, how much I don’t care about her, how much I don’t love her, how much I don’t listen to her. She says she’s felt this all through her life in all her relationships, of course it being how her parents made her feel because it was the truth, but she’s not until now been able to focus on it fully and just tell me (or anyone) straight out how she feels. And of course at times it presses a lot of my buttons, which is helping me to ‘remember’ just how extremely vile mum was to me in some of the things she said - such as: ‘You don’t love mummy, you don’t care about mummy, you are not listening to mummy - TO YOUR MOTHER!” All of which traumatised the shit out of me. And all of which she helped me - made me - block out, but now it’s all finally coming back, and so I could say to her face should I see her again, that she doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t listen to me - I could say: YOU DON’T LOVE ME. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME, YOU NEVER LISTENED TO ME, YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW WHAT I FELT, YOU STOPPED ME FEELING AND EXPRESSING MYSELF, YOU FUCKED ME RIGHT UP, YOU MURDERED MY SELF ESTEME, YOU COMPLETELY UNDERMINED MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, YOU MADE ME AFRAID OF THE WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT SO I COULD NEVER HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIPS, YOU MADE ME WHOLLY DEPENDENT ON YOU, AND IT WAS ALL LIES. YOU DON’T LOVE ME, HATE ME. AND GUESS WHAT - GUESS WHAT THE GOOD NEWS IS, I HATE YOU, TOO!
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 7, 2015 7:20:09 GMT 10
James, your posts have been of such help to me at this time. Writing all you feel with such openness is so freeing and tells me it is ok for me to be true and I wont get in trouble for doing it. I had such fears about expressing my self and still feel guilt about how I feel at times, guilt that I was made to feel if I expressed any indifference. The posts you write help me to feel freer and address so much more of my repression, there is so much in all that you write that is just the same as I feel and helps me go into it all, thank you.
I will write more soon.
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Post by LOK11 on Jun 4, 2017 23:27:18 GMT 10
So what happens to us if we don't feel and heal?
I'm not sure I'm able to express this well. I feel like I feel things - I feel about things that I have done or I do, but I don't feel a guilt or chastisement feeling or controlled like what my parents did to me burnt me.
It's interesting to have two sets of parents, one set alive and only occasionally spoken to and the other set now long dead and yet they are still my 'Mum and Dad'. I notice in your writing James, that you never capitalise those words, you seem to want to dis-empower them even in their descriptions. I feel respect to all of my parents for theirs effects upon my life, good and bad, they have put me in this circumstance (as have I, I should say), but I don't feel a need to apportion blame and be enraged. It hasn't helped me before and, although I know I fear rage, I still don't think it would benefit me to be enraged at them.
Just my 2c worth
L
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Post by James on Jun 5, 2017 19:29:28 GMT 10
“So what happens to us if we don't feel and heal?”
I think the answer to this is - more of the same, more of what your life has been, until such time as your soul says, that’s enough; or, if that never comes, then I guess until you are extinguished, because evil is not eternal, because of the abundance of love. Evil is only an aberration because we’re not loved, and should you want to remain in your unloving state, then at some point its conceivable you might be the last person remaining in the mind worlds, and then one day those worlds will be needed for something else, so that will be the end of you. And by then you’ll have milked every last drop out of your evil experience, and so there will be nothing else, so it will be the END. And if you weren’t to end, then the only way to keep going would be to start experiencing the opposite, so beginning your Healing. And really this is where we are all to get to in ourselves at some point. We don’t have to be the last person remaining evil, but within ourselves, our evil experiences - the need for them, will have been fulfilled by the needs of our soul, so we’ll start going the other way, which is into our Healing.
Reading your posts Lokii, I get the feeling you are judging yourself against Sam and I, which being involved here is probably hard not to do, however don’t put pressure on yourself thinking you should be like we are. I never felt any real love for mum and dad, which my Healing is confirming every day. I believed I had some good feelings to do with them, and some of how they were I liked, and some of what we did together I liked, but still as soon as I feel those good things, the next wave of crushing bad feelings, of feeling so unloved and uncared about by them, surface in me, making me realise I hate them even more. If you hate your parents, like all your bad feelings, it all only comes from your early life, so you would have hated them when you were little, and those feelings are what we have to reconnect with, if they are in us to do so. So no, I’ve not wanted to capitalise them, however you are not me, your experiences are vastly different to mine, so if you feel you love your parents and want to Capitalise them, then that’s what you feel to do. And if you want to, you can then long for more of the truth of why you want to do this, and express whatever that brings up in you.
ONLY when you feel rage for them or anyone else, should you express it. We are to ONLY express what we feel in the moment. We’re NOT to use our mind to say, I should feel rage because of this that or the other thing of how badly treated I was, therefore I will feel rage. Keep you mind out of it, express all you feel in the moment and nothing more.
If you feel you were badly treated and don’t feel rage, then sure, you might wonder why, and long for the truth with all your heart wanting to know why you don’t feel that rage that should surely be there. Yet still, if it’s not there, don’t for god sake then start contriving it, based on the deduction or belief that is should be there. It might be there, and it might be blocked, but that too is what you have to accept. And if you want to push through those blocks or at least feel then out, you can long to the Mother and Father to help you do that, as can you look for some sort of therapy that specialises in trying to bring up and break through into your repressed rage.
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Post by LOK11 on Jun 5, 2017 23:55:44 GMT 10
Thank you James,
That explanation is remarkably helpful to me.
I do find that I judge myself against Sam and you, or at least critique myself against your feelings. I am aware not to contrive things which is why I continue with more questions and comments as I feel (or don't feel) about things; and I guess, in that, I inevitably end up comparing myself with what you and Sam have written.
I guess it's why I write about not feeling bad about my childhood. I don't feel the same things that you and Sam are describing. I have felt many, many bad feelings about them as my parents lied to me for my first 18 years. I feel like I worked through all that pain and rage and anger back then until I had found the peace within myself of accepting that. I didn't have the descriptions or words that I have now of feeling healing. I did express a lot of it to two of my partners but mostly to myself. I may describe now that I expressed it to the mother and father, but I didn't have words for that at the time, nor feel any reply, but the bad feelings did all go away. I don't anymore feel bad feelings from my childhood. I feel bad feelings for what I did to my own family as an adult but not much that I can find in me from my own parents. Maybe I haven't yet followed back my teenage and adult feelings enough to get back to their childhood causes.
Thanks again for you kind insights.
L
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Post by Emiley12 on Oct 16, 2017 16:16:31 GMT 10
This is a very helpful and nice discussion. It is no doubt very hard to forget all those bad feelings which we had gone through in our past, but we have to forget those stupid things and move ahead in our lives.
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Post by James on Oct 17, 2017 21:07:30 GMT 10
access443, It doesn't seem like you're a real person, and if you are, then I don't think you get the point of this forum, it's not about forgetting feelings and moving on, it's about the opposite.
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