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Post by samantha9 on May 22, 2015 9:50:11 GMT 10
My healing is constant and I am now very aware of every aspect of my life is for me to feel to heal. This includes my sleep state too and my dreams are very intense and I make a point of asking Mother and Father to help me heal in my sleep and I also ask them to help me to remember my dreams when I wake and most mornings I wake with the feelings from my dreams and I write them down, everything I have felt. One particular dream this week was very scary for me and touched on a feeling I have been in a lot of denial about but it is now time to face my fear of this particular feeling.
My dream was so incredibly real as they seem to be now. I was sitting in a huge white auditorium, like a Amphitheatre, and I was one of many others all dressed in white. This was some kind of sacred ceremony I was watching and as I was sitting there I was feeling very trapped and nervous, looking for the exits but couldn't move. The Elder of this sacred ceremony turned to my direction and summoned me to come and sit with him, so I did. He stood behind me and placed a huge skull of a Ram on my head and it had huge curled horns, I can remember how heavy it was and I had to hold it off my head because of the unbearable weight on me. As I sat there I began to feel fear and terror rise within me, I was feeling every tiny change that was happening in my body, I could feel every cell in me, explode, it was all so strange. I was aware of everyone watching me and trying to keep it together when the truth was I was in terror but was trying so hard to hide and deny it in fear of humiliation and what people would think of me. I was in total resistance to my feelings and the dream was showing me how I fought against feeling them and the pain that has caused me. It brought back to me the terror and fear that I went through any time I was in a spiritual initiation, such as my Reiki attunments, meditation groups I just couldn't go through with them without having Panic attacks that totally controlled me and ruined everything for me and everyone else in attendance and this was my fear in the dream, that I would go into a major attack and ruin it for all watching, they would think I was a freak, mental, out of control which has been the feelings I have fought against feeling and showing but my dream told me it is now time to face this and go back to how it all felt and the dream made it all very real for me again, I relived the terror and humiliation of having everyone watch me in utter silence in that auditorium. It felt awful. I have wanted to keep this part of me in the dark, away from anyone knowing or seeing the truth of my weakness, my tiny, shrivelled up fearful self, the truth. The pain of being on show in front of all those people was excruciating for me, I just wanted to die, literally die rather than have everyone see the truth of me, exposed. My panic and terror is the fear that the truth will be exposed that I am weak, scared, damaged, and living without trust or love, living a façade that I want everyone to believe and to maintain that lie is what this dream is showing me, the terror and pain I have experienced to save me from humiliation of the truth being seen, showing my fear and weakness to others, letting the truth be known in an exhibition of shaking, passing out, crying, screaming, any way my fear wants to express itself infront of others, I have invested so much energy in the façade so no one ever saw the truth.
The weight of the Rams skull was a weight I couldn't bear, it was to much for me as was the weight of the denial I was living. In the dream I was holding the skull above my head so not to bear the weight as it would crush me just as the weight of my emotions and denied feelings were doing, killing me so I had to keep them at a distance by denial. It was all so amazing to understand the message of this dream and to see the Rams skull as the evil, my denied feelings, that I was trying to hold back but barely could, only a matter of time before it crushed me.
I stopped doing any meditation groups or any other attunments because it was pure dread for me, I couldn't cope with the awful feelings which the dream reminded me of but wants me to feel to heal. I feared any spiritual gatherings because my fear had me in its control and I couldn't bear having a panic attack in front of everyone, all to humiliating and it is that humiliation I have had to work on and just how much I have invested in worrying about what others think of me. All going back to those words "Be strong Sam" from my parents, don't show the cracks, even when Harry died I still heard it from them, "Your a strong woman" when actually it is the opposite and what I am and wanted to be was the weak child, its the truth but they couldn't cope with it. The façade has always been "I have to be strong" but the truth has always been "I am not, I am weak" and now I drop that, I can be weak and stop holding that Rams skull above my head in fear of it caving me in, I can and am weak, I have never been strong, it was all a lie to make everyone feel better and not worry about me, like my parents had done a good job on me producing a strong woman, pat themselves on the backs whilst I was crumbling.
I am still Feeling my way through this and will be for some time as well as every other feeling that comes in an ordinary day making it all extraordinary. I feel that my whole life is now being shown in its truth and it has all been so wrong, everything I did was all like going the wrong way and all needs rewinding and playing back to me to show me where i went so wrong and that what I do now is the consequence of what I did then, I just have to feel and open up to it, all through my feelings, that its all been wrong but all so right in my learning about love from my anti love state, all as Mother and Father want it for me.
Sometimes it is all so much, day and night and I felt this week that there is so much to heal, I felt hopeless and drowning in it all, I felt like a lost cause with no hope and with no end to my healing and the intensity. I cried at the hopelessness I felt and at the tiny instances that keep being brought up in me to heal, so tiny some of them but still producing a feeling so still just as huge as the major events that have happened to me, I felt swamped under and overwhelmed at the speed I am receiving memories of pain to heal and I have to do it there and then, while I am in the feeling of it. It has felt relentless but I asked God for it and I am receiving.
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Post by James on May 22, 2015 22:26:16 GMT 10
What another incredible experience! And how good that you’ve been able to see so much of it through your feelings. I’m so happy that you spoke about it all to do with you having to be the strong woman, all about your feelings, and allowing yourself to feel weak, as all our having to be strong is such rubbish and hurts us all so much.
Your experiences are so different from anything else I read on the internet Sam, it’s refreshing, enlightening, and always with such intensity and passion. Raw, I guess I’d say, and how can getting in touch with ones feelings be anything different when it’s getting down to the deeper hidden stuff.
When you talked about the Rams skull and the whole environment, the whole ritual type setting, I thought if it were anyone else on the Internet like so many things I read, you’d be talking about it being some sort of Satanic ritual you’ve become involved in, and then going on about all that. So it was good that you just related to it as you did with your feelings. But now having written that, really it is like some ritual, not so much your dream but what it symbolises, that being our whole upbringing, in that we’re all been inducted by rituals within our families into the Satanic or Luciferic systems we call everyday life. Yuk, I don’t even want to think about it. I want to feel how weak I am too!
Thank you again Sam for posting it all.
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Post by James on May 23, 2015 22:12:00 GMT 10
Hi Sam, I realised this morning more about why I love the passion, as I’ve said, with which you express your feelings. I love it how Marion is the same, and it was the same with the boys parents at his birthday all those years ago. And that up until now as much as I have liked it, I’ve also feared it, having mixed it up with mum’s ‘passion’ which wasn’t passion as I now can see, but anger and rage. So whenever anyone has expressed themselves with any intensity, good or bad feelings, I’ve shied away, scared that they are going to explode with rage all over me. But as of this morning I know I’ve now separated a bit more from mum, so when someone expresses their anger or any feelings, I can enjoy the passion if that’s what it is, or see the rage, and even enjoy the passion in the rage, but I no longer feel scared of the intensity.
And because of mums explosive rage I stopped expressing my feelings with any vigour, anger or even excitement, keeping them all under wraps, downplaying them all to where I’m all but numb. But slowly they are waking up and I would like to think that one day I feel them as passionately and intensely as you and Marion. I marvel when you say that EVERY feeling is being intensified. I wonder how you don’t simply explode with them all. That couldn’t and didn’t happen to me because I was too scared of them. My healing very a very measured and plodding along affair.
You’ve helped me see this about myself - thank you.
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Post by samantha9 on May 24, 2015 3:04:08 GMT 10
It is great that you have seen this about yourself James, really great that another piece has separated from Mum. Today I felt it even more intensely how the Rams skull in my dream was the crushing Evil that I felt put under all through my childhood and my life, the crushing beliefs programmed into me from conception, it is all unfolding and being understood and felt.
In my family my Dad was the only one allowed to rage or show anger and we all had to cower in fear at his raging control never being allowed to express ours, not even my Mum could show her feelings. It has all made sense to me now why I repressed all of my rage, it being a very bad thing and I would get in so much trouble for expressing it, it was to scary so layer upon layer it all went. To let myself have that tantrum the other day was a new feeling for me and it made me feel very strange like I had experienced a new undiscovered part of me, it felt Freeing and I didn't want to stop because I didn't have to if I didn't want to, there was no one to tell me off, I just had to ride the wave of every feeling in that moment until I was done.
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Post by samantha9 on May 24, 2015 3:05:08 GMT 10
It is so good that we can all get so much out of each others experiences, there is always a feeling to be felt.
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Post by James on May 24, 2015 22:15:06 GMT 10
Yes Sam I agree. I am amazed how I'm affected by all that's said on the forum, and sometimes it's obvious, and then other times it's all part of the current 'theme' I'm working through within myself and I'm not specifically aware of the impact until much later, but it all goes into being part of the environment I need at the time. And I don't get so affected anywhere else on the Internet or with other people, because they're not striving to live true. Most of the stuff that comes up and I work through with Marion I wouldn't know how to write up, it would be too laborious for me to do and you to read, it being more subtle these days and part of the ongoing evolution of all my years of healing.
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Post by wesley on May 25, 2015 2:48:21 GMT 10
Hi James,Samantha and Marion. It is so very true. And I exemplify so. As Samantha you said about the intensity. I'm feeling it too. You all are showing so much of the Truth on feelings that it's undeniable. Yet without me ever doing my healing I wouldn't be able to accept all that is going on and try to figure out ways to block it all. To me it's always a school of feelings where we can all raise our hand and answer. What if it was part of our education in life. A subject on truth and nature. I'd think we would be in a whole other level of life. But our parents crushed those out of us by hating the Truth and nature. So to me I am now in the first grade and truly wanting to learn and progress. Identifying with our Mother and Father in real terms and understanding more of my plight in life even though the bad feelings seem to be discouraged by so many. But more of my childhood is coming to the forefront and I can feel and accept it and long for the Truth of every intense one. It all matters and I can let my words be free when in conditions like those bad episodes with my family with no guilt because it's all my true feelings. And I care only about the Truth in my soul and not the so called beliefs and religious practices. No charade all the whole truth and nothing but the truth so helps us (God) Mother and Father.
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Post by samantha9 on May 25, 2015 2:55:32 GMT 10
I am currently also healing a tooth ache and after two days of pain I finally sat and expressed all the feelings it was bringing up in me and as soon as I began to express the pain I was feeling, I could feel the pain miraculously ease until I was free of pain and have been all day. I did it all through my feelings and got to the "ROOT" of it, I am also healing my amazement that I can heal like this, because with the amazement comes a disbelief also and a feeling that I am not able to do this, surely I cant do this, and all the unworthiness that it brings up in me that I am not good enough to be healing myself, I am to insignificant, too nothing to be capable of this miracle of healing through the revelation of the truth of my feelings and with the help of my Mother and Father, I have tried to heal without their help and it does come but takes so long but as soon as I ask for their help I receive the ability to go deeper to the "ROOT" core of my feelings. I cant find the words to describe the hugeness of it all and what the world is missing in their denial and rebellion of themselves and their Mother and Father, missing so much in being so self reliant but eventually we all come to God.
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Post by James on May 25, 2015 18:14:47 GMT 10
It’s that when you ask Them for Their help and start expressing your feelings, you are giving yourself the permission to move deeper into yourself, which is really, beyond your own parents, beyond the limitations they imposed on you. So we are doing our healing ourselves and for ourselves, with our Parents support. Which is how we should have grown up, with our parents loving support and their not taking over and telling us how we should be.
You’re braver and more trusting, living with greater faith, than me Sam, I had to weaken and buy some Panadine and it took about a week for the pain to ease off. I did only take them at night so I could get to sleep. But what a great experience, another one! And it was occurring to me today that you are ‘proving’ all I have written - the essence of it anyway, showing me that it can be done. And I know I’ve said that to you before, but it’s very important in the great scheme of things, that much I’m coming more to understand. That, together with you being a woman, and doing it all by yourself, when the whole deal about the Rebellion is the women spirits behind it are not seen, not recognised, not even known, yet they were the ones pulling the strings. So for you a women to defy all odds and strive to live true to yourself and all only through your feelings, with nothing else, and to rise up out of the murk and yuk looking to the Mother and Father and with Mary and Jesus’ help, well... that’s bringing true light into the darkness.
You writing this experience about your tooth and how the pain went when you looked to your feelings for the truth and expressed them, all being down whilst asking the Mother and Father for help, is a FANTASTIC example of how it’s to be done - how we’re to heal ourselves, even such physical pain as a tooth ache. And I was thinking, all those men in the positions of New Age, spiritual, religious, leadership: the Pope, the Ascended Masters, the gurus and yogis, Buddha and so on, all of them have not revealed one jot of truth as to how we can do what you have done Sam. The men are all out there putting on a fine show, all dressed up in their purest fineries, leading billions of people supposedly to God and living true and to feeling happy and loved, and yet through all the years what have they really succeeded in doing - nothing, nothing more than leading people and themselves deeper into their darkness, pain, truth-denial and soul destruction.
We fail to recognise and appreciate the truth; From Mary: you don’t have to do anything to help others see it, they will see it in you if they are meant to. I’m seeing it and enjoying what I see.
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Post by Sam M on May 30, 2015 5:26:16 GMT 10
Thank you James and Wesley for all you write, I know this is very short but I am at a blanc at the moment, no words but so many feelings and I will speak soon.
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Post by samantha9 on Jul 7, 2015 1:27:42 GMT 10
I am being helped so much now in my dreams. I am finding it truly amazing that the feelings that I am not accessing or feeling most resistance to are being brought to me in my sleep state. I have a constant reoccurring dream about losing my bag with my keys to the car and the house, my phone, my money and all I see as being my safety, all of these things I fear losing because they keep me safe and I have this dream constantly. I write and talk to Mother and Father about it all and how the dream makes me feel and sometimes I have woke up crying at the grief of the loss, I am feeling the grief I cant access, in my sleep so I feel I am being so helped when my mind is out of the way and I feel like I am being taken somewhere to live out these fears, I feel my soul is being taken to spirit world so I can see that this is the place where I can actually experience these fears for real to feel them in my sleep state and if these fears are not healed I will be going to this place in spirit because it will be the condition of my soul so I am being helped to feel all I can from the experiences of the place I am being taken to in my sleep state. I am so grateful for having this help, for being shown and being able to live it all out so I can feel the truth of my terror and how the fear of losing these material things that I believe are my safety, is affecting me in my physical life, I never realised how scared I am about losing these things that make me feel safe and when I visit this place in the spirit realms I know that if I do not heal my feelings about this fear, I will be going there to do my healing in spirit. An incredible incentive to heal and an amazing revelation to me that I rely on these things to keep me safe. I hated the thought that I am so in error, so in fear of loss and lack in my life but it is the truth and I am accepting it and doing all I can to express it all, every feeling I feel when I am being put back in the situations I am being thrust into in spirit world when I sleep because I am not able to touch the fear when I am awake. I know this all sounds mad and like it cant be but I am being taken to a place like earth and like the life that is, with all its pain and struggles, very similar to here, but it is not here, I feel myself go there and be put into the very fear I am not able to touch properly but the place is always darker than here. I feel it is the place in spirit where I can visit to be able to truly realise the fears I have and feel them freshly to heal them, it is a place of truth that corresponds so perfectly with my fears and unfelt feelings. I feel that maybe this is the place where all unhealed souls will go and continually re-live their unhealed feelings and stay in that condition until they want to heal and stop the repercussion. If I am being shown those realms, then I don't want to be there and the only way to ensure that is to heal now, heal all I feel and I am being given every help from spirit to do that now. My sleep state tells me so much about what needs healing within me and I look forward to the time when my dreams improve but for now they are the truth of my soul and the feelings \I need to feel although my dreams are not always bad, some of them are amazing and some angelic even but I am being shown the injuries I have about specific feelings that need healing and at the moment it is all about my fears about Lack, Loss, rejection, being lost and safety and to feel these feelings fully I am being taken to places to relive and feel them in my sleep state, then wake up and express all I have felt and I can do it fully and I now feel the dreams are becoming less full of fear so I know I am going in the right direction with my healing of them and when I no longer have them, I will know I have healed these fears on these subjects and it will take some time, this I know.
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Post by samantha9 on Jul 7, 2015 17:01:48 GMT 10
I have been thinking about what I wrote above and in the cold light of day it all seems far fetched but in my sleep state it feels so very real and I was thinking back to about a couple of months before Harry died he was having night terrors in his sleep and he never remembered them. We would all be woken by his groans and pleads to be left alone, he was truly battling and resisting in his sleep and I believe a similar thing may have been happening to him also, I believe he was being shown the place prepared for him in the very near future and was resisting it and maybe the condition of our dreams are that, showing us the place we may end up in in spirit, all according to our healing condition of our soul and if the souls healed state leads the way then many of will be living in a state true to our feeling healing condition s anything higher than the true condition of our souls will surly repel us s it does on earth, unloving people are repelled by loving people (Loving in the loosest terms without doing our healing). It suddenly struck me that Harry was seeing the place where he would go and didn't like it as he was a very nice man but was completely unhealed and wouldn't hear of it or believe it. I think this could explain why so many spirits don't want to pass over fully to there place in spirit because their can be no covering up the state of their unhealed soul and the place may not be to great so they want to stay earth bound instead of facing the true condition of their unhealed soul, stay in denial hanging around earth and us with their unhealed influence. It is like us on earth doing something wrong or a crime and avoiding the compensation for as long as we can, even prison so we go on the run, I think a lot of souls are on the run and if they cross over then they will have to continue in their unhealed state as there will be no hiding it in spirit as our place of being will dictate the unhealed condition of our souls, the truth can not be denied in spirit world. I am now feeling an amazement that our sleep state in no different from death and maybe we have the ability to know the place we will end up in and we call them nightmares all a loving message and vision for helping us to heal the denied bad feelings in our soul and if spirit can come back to earth maybe we can go to spirit when our physical body gets out the way, in our sleep state because I am sure I have visited departed friends and Harry as I did the other night as I expressed my anger at him for hurting Faye so badly by putting himself at such unloving risk leading to his death, I expressed it all to him and then came back to my body. I feel a bit afraid of writing this because of how it might sound to others and how I might get attacked for it but that is a healing opportunity for me also as it tells me how much I still invest in other opinion of me and wanting to be accepted not rejected as I may be for writing such far fetched ideas but it all feels feasible to me and maybe even logical to as I am now feeling that a whole new understanding may be opening up for me that in the spirit spheres no where is kept from us the only thing that keeps us from entering beautiful higher spheres is our unhealed soul condition, we would be repelled by anything higher than our healed soul state, we just wouldn't be able to stand it so it feels all very amazing to me that my dreams are proving to me that the soul and our feeling healing truly does lead the way, we can go lower than our soul condition but not higher although there is nothing stopping us except for our unhealed and denied feelings. This is such an incredible incentive to heal, if people knew this would they be more inclined to begin healing their feelings and childhood repression because for me this is what it is about to get me closer to God and in a more beautiful state when I continue living after my physical time is up, I feel so empowered by the dreams and visions to not leave any stone unturned as I am being shown the areas I need to work on and the place I could end up if these areas are further denied. I am so grateful for all the help I am receiving to heal my bad feelings and I continuously ask for help because it all that matters now.
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Post by James on Jul 16, 2015 22:54:09 GMT 10
Without talking to you Sam more about your dream experiences, I wonder if you are actually going into one of the Divine Love healing mansion worlds to work on yourself in this way. I accept that your experiences are very real, not just dreams but you being awake in your spirit body in spirit having them, and with the environment you’re ‘taken’ to reflecting your state of being, all to give you those feelings you need to connect with. I thought that perhaps you might have been taken to the lower Earth plane sectors hence saying it’s like Earth but darker, but I don’t know... I think I’d go with the healing worlds... yet how can you know, unless a spirit or the Mother and Father tells you. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because only the feelings resulting from the experiences you have matter, as you know, and it will be interesting to see if other people have these sorts of healing experiences. Personally I think few people will have them, they being part of your ‘specialness’, whereas most people will more than likely be how Marion and I experience our dreams, without the extra psychic or spirit side that you have. With their dreams being normal dreams giving rise to the feelings they need. Nearly every night this happens for me through my dreams giving me some feelings to express and uncover the truth of first thing in the morning, but nothing ‘otherworldly’ like you are experiencing.
It’s also interesting that your spirit experiences through your dreams are not all of light and love like so many other people who have an OBE or NDE. You are certainly not using your astral experiences to run away further from your pain by meeting with ‘Jesus’ or ‘God’ or some other ‘Ascended Master’ or basking in the LIGHT like so many people say happens to them.
I don’t think many people will want to know about what happens to us upon entering spirit based on the picture you paint, but what if it’s true, that we don’t go into a whole new and exciting life, we go into one reflective of our darkness. However, from all I’ve read of spirits accounts of their entry into spirit life, it is all love and light giving them a whole new start. So again because you are wanting the truth of your bad feelings, so you are taken into spirit and provided with darkness and no love, yelling at Harry and being confronted with your inner resistance, all so you can keep working on yourself. So it shows the different ways: that of yourself wanting to go into the darkness, and those of other people still wanting to avoid it. You get what want. Depending on whether you want to further your evilness or heal it.
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Post by samantha9 on Jul 17, 2015 18:06:17 GMT 10
HI James, thanks for your thoughts and feelings on this. I agree with you that people will not want to know about my experiences of entering a place perfectly prepared for the condition of our degree of healing which for most is non existent as not many are truly doing their feeling healing and it makes so much sense why so many spirits want to stay earth bound as a way of denying further the place perfectly prepared for them and the condition of their souls, who would want to go there really, a place where nothing can be hidden but also a place so lovingly designed for each of us individually to be no higher and no lower that the truth of our souls defilement. To me it all seems right if the soul truly does lead the way it will go to a place of perfect rapport so it can begin its souls healing journey from a true perfect place for its condition. This all makes me want to heal my denied childhood suppression even more so I can begin my spirit journey in a bit of a better place. I see the places I visit to be quite dark as I have said, and I thought and felt that I was going to the lower spheres so that I had the chance to heal in a place perfect for the darkness of that particular problem that needs feeling fully and healing, the darkness of the earth like place seemed right and a place of truth to heal what ever the injury is, I was feeling the truth of the pain I was denying, nothing around to make me feel better, no love and light for me in these places but still I felt like it was a place of healing for me and I am thankful for the chance to feel intensely the truth of my bad feelings whether I am in the healing divine love spheres or the hells, I am getting what I ask for and feeling a whole new opportunity to heal in our sleep state going where my soul needs to be to heal. It is, as you say, always about the feelings I feel from these experiences and it is great to wake up crying, still feeling the intensity of what I have experienced and it is all so deeply felt and real. I have no feelings of any sort of "Specialness" but feelings of shame and how unloving I am because of what is being revealed to me about my self, I just keep feeling I truly don't want to be like this so please help me God to heal this vileness out of me, keep bringing it all to me so I can feel more truth and most of the time I am feeling there is no hope for me, I am right back at the beginning and feel so angry at myself when I reflect on things I have done or said during my day. The other day I just felt like giving up, I am so hopeless and not learning anything but I just have to go back to expressing how I feel and crying it out. People at the shop ask me why I am constantly writing and I tell them the truth, that I am healing myself and expressing all I feel to reveal the truth of my feelings and I explain it a little bit until I feel them want to walk away so to not be dragged into hearing truth but to stay in their denial, it doesn't take long for this to happen. I also spend much time talking to M and getting so much help in understanding myself further through her light, I have her now to express to and we write together often and it is easier now and I feel her want to speak and intervene when I am writing always giving me so much expansion on my revelation of truth, all beautiful.
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Post by James on Jul 17, 2015 21:59:52 GMT 10
Hi Sam, reading what you’ve written makes me think again, as I said above, that for people such as yourself who are actively doing their healing, it would make sense that they can go to such places in spirit to keep working on it through their dreams if they have such an ability to do so, and so would possibly as you are saying, go to such places when they die as they would still presumably want to keep working on themselves. Whereas those people who upon death are still intent on furthering their wrongness would embrace their new spirit life seeing it overflowing with endless opportunities of having and doing a lot of what they missed out on Earth, unless of course they had to go into the hell planes to compensate for what they’d done during their life. The spirits I’ve spoken with who are doing their healing have talked about where they live and their healing intentions along similar lines of what you’re saying although not as poignantly, so what you’re saying is sharpening my view of such healing worlds.
And when you say things like ‘the other day I felt like giving up’, as hard as it is dealing with those overwhelming feelings, these are the breaking points of our barriers, when we are forced into letting go, giving up, wanting it all to end, having to go back to basics and just keep on expressing all how bad we feel - all very good. Every day now that’s about all Marion and I are expressing. We’ve completely had it, we feel too fucked, we don’t want to go on, and we don’t want to be as fucked as we are without being able to have a say in it, it all just being forced on us with nothing ever changing. And we don’t want to keep living in a world of fuckedness, surrounded by it, being subjected continually to its horror, and worse, ourselves being participators in it. We rage throughout the day, railing at the wrongness of ourselves and all that humanity is, and raging that we can’t leave it, we can’t get out of it, we just have to keep being in and of it. It’s helping me understand, which I’ve said many times but which I keep feeling is so important, that the aim of our healing is for us to feel as we really are, so to feel as bad as we’ve always felt, as bad as our parents made us feel, for that is the truth of ourselves in our wrongness. So you saying how vile you are, how unloving and full of shame, that’s good, that’s what you’re meant to feel, because it’s you, what you’ve been made to feel. And I know you know all of this Sam, but I’m using this opportunity as with most of my writing in trying to write out exactly the truth I feel about it.
And by the way, who is ‘M’ - Mary... or Mother? And that made me wonder, do you speak directly with the Mother and Father?
And Wes, what are your dreams like, do they help you, and have you had any like Sam’s where you feel you’re consciously awake in your spirit body?
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Post by samantha9 on Jul 18, 2015 4:22:00 GMT 10
Thank you for helping me by explaining about "Wanting to give up" because I feel so hopeless, it all makes so much sense about the letting go and I feel that I have so much resistance to so much of my "letting Go" and I can carry on resisting for as long as I want to but the feelings just get worse for me when all I have to do is follow the direction of my soul to make it all easier, sounds easy, its the toughest, I don't need to tell you though. Yes, "M" is Mary, I didn't know if I should reveal my communication with her yet but all feels ok and I haven't tried to connect with Mother and Father yet, it all feels so huge and I begin to feel overwhelmed at the thought of doing it so there are those feelings of overwhelment that I need to feel but I am avoiding. At one point I was receiving divine love, or so I thought it was, but at the time I didn't know what this overwhelming feeling was and it scared me that it might be something bad or something I shouldn't be feeling and how was I doing it, all unanswered questions, the feeling it gave me was an instant fountain of emotion, an explosion of feelings and uncontrollable crying, all of these emotions and lack of control scared me because I didn't know about it really, but now I understand what it was, I cant get those feelings back no matter how much I ask for Divine Love from mother and Father, yet more feelings of "Oh just give it up Sam" it wont happen for you, others yes. but not for me and deep down I feel I am to bad to receive their love. I feel very sad that I cant feel love from them at this time but it is how they want it for me so I can feel all of my unlovingness, if I receive their love I wont feel how unloved I truly feel so there is a whole load of issues there that I seem to continuously be feeling, I feel like the most unloving person on the planet and so unfulfilled with out their love so I have all these addictions that substitute their love. I have to feel and heal all of these because they are my block that keeps me from Mother and Fathers Love, all the time I am using my will to meet my addictions I am making a choice to reject Gods Love and truth.
I look forward to hearing from Wesley also, speak soon.
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Post by wesley on Jul 18, 2015 20:40:01 GMT 10
Hello James and Samantha. What a beautiful and very hard day. My dreams leave me breathless and full of feelings. And yes they are SO similar to Samantha s dreams far as healing. And the thought of them all are very soulful. And why not we are moving deeper in every aspects of our Souls wants us all to be. And I can understand the resistance of these places but it takes being true to yourself to accept it. If one doesn't want to heal their soul it will simply be too much for one to handle. Only through my healing have my dreams took and is still taking me to unlock the deep mysteries of my Soul. We are the ones doing it. Why would you want the Mother and Father to just come rescue you. It is all about us doing our healing. I've been in some far away spheres and accepting all that is shown to me and it's very intense. Some very dark with the same amount of light as well. Yet everywhere I go in them my Soul is leading the way. And it is putting every body that I have to work. I don't have to face anything just accept the very thing that I was forced to do as far as my evil ways. Dam we are in hell and we will have go through it. Make our crosses and bury our minds. I know there is more to come and I feel it no need to study the mystical and religious jargon. It's also what gave me the way which is healing my evil ways. Let's all which maybe a very few of us do what our Mother and Father created us to do. No doubt at all is Healing out of this mess. The only way. I always have to think why the few of us came to this decision to take on this. It's just something that has to be answered to me. But better felt by me. Talk and speak soon
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Post by James on Jul 18, 2015 22:10:30 GMT 10
Good to read what you say Wes; and I was wondering, could you possibly give an example of a dream that you are talking about?
And in reply to Sam's post:
Yes it is as you say Sam, using your will to meet your addictions so you can’t receive God’s love, and this is what our healing is all about - seeing why we need our addictions, feeling how powerless we feel in them, seeing how they’ve come about because of our being treated unlovingly, realising that we’re then doing that same treatment to ourselves as expressed in our addictions, and just allowing ourselves to feel all to pain and torment of being trapped in them. And that we can’t shake them. We can’t just start longing for the Divine Love, receive it, keep longing and get more of it, all to cover up our additions or even to stop them. So we make the connection with our Mother and Father, we feel some of Their love come into us, then we’re to stop using that love trying to make ourselves feel better, and start working with all the feelings that are showing us we’er not right - all our bad feelings. As I’ve written, that’s what happened to Marion and myself; and Marion is even doubtful that she’s even received any of the Love but knows she has to keep working on herself. Occasionally she does feel she has, but nothing like I did in my early days, but then she feels very bad about not being able to receive the Love when everyone else can, rages about why can’t she have a direct speaking relationship with the Father, but nothing happens, she just keeps on expressing how bad she feels. And you can see how They are helping us, by not giving us Their love; and then with you Sam making you feel “Oh just give it up Sam”, They are helping you confront your parents head-on, not being able to use Them as a diversion, which is what you’ve said in your post. It is incredible how it all works, and it’s always good for me to read what you’ve written so I can see more how it’s been for me and how I’ve come to understand it. The whole process is incredible and we’re only just touching on it, I can see it occupying humanity for a very long time, as it’s what we all should have been already doing for a very long time. I’m glad Mary is working personally with you Sam. And yes it is overwhelming to feel such things let alone come out in public with it all, and without thinking you’re mad and will be accused of being just another nutter. But it is what is said in the communications that matter, and if they support you in your truth growth and staying true to your feelings, who cares who is talking to you, because you are advancing your soul out of your wrongness; and as it’s ONLY about you - and the rest of the world will have to sort out how they do their healing when their time times - what would another person know. Yet of course there are millions of issues about not being accepted and approved of by the world, which is our parents, that we’ll all have to wrestle with.
Marion has just said something that’s very important, so I’ll add it here. She feels she’s now her true self, but it’s the true self her parents have made her be, not the one she might have been had her parents been true. And what she’s actually been healing, and feels she’s now done, is heal the untrue self that her parents said she was meant to be. She is no longer trying to be - pretending to be - what her parents said she should be, which was a mess of so many things. So all her healing has been about giving up all the ways she thought she should have been because it was what her parents said she should be. And so having giving up that false self, now she can be and is true to being the fucked up person that her parents actually made her be. And she says she feels really good about being really bad; good about feeling how fucked her body is, how fucked the rest of her is, as it’s what God has wanted her to be because it was the life He gave to her. (She doesn’t relate personally to the Mother, she’s not had a direct experience with Her, although she is open to Her being with Him.)
I have thought that somehow as we healed ourselves we’d turn into our true selves, the selves we’ve not lived, but now from what she is saying we are to become our true damaged self that we are, and not be anything else, which would be denying it. Our parents damaged us, but then didn’t want us in our damaged states. It’s like a double hit: they stopped us being our true selves making us be an untrue fucked and damaged person, then they didn’t want us to be this way either, forcing us to put on the falseness pretending we’re not as bad as they’ve made us be. So our healing, possibly the first stage of it, is to get rid of all the pretence that we’re okay, allowing ourselves to be the full damaged person we are. And fully feeling we accept ourselves being this way. Marion’s currently being overwhelmed by the relief of it all being over, the relief of her not having to be something she is not - it’s such a relief! And it’s so absurd, to think that you have to be something you are not. So she’s still angry about being so fucked, but she’s no longer angry with herself at trying to be something she can’t be, that which her parents insisted she be.
Now it waits to be seen what happens to her next, as she’s leading the whole thing. To see if having fully accepted and being loving of herself in her damaged state, being true to her untrue state, she is changed into the true state she would have been had she not been interfered with in any way; or whether she will stay as she is but possibly just keep feeling better and better about herself. I don’t want to speculate, however it’s a huge moment for her, and the result of her agonising these past months, it’s been very difficult and trying for her.
So to summarise it again, more so it can sink into my mind. We want to be our true selves, but our parents stop us making us be untrue. Then we can’t just be true to that untrue state, we can’t sit crying with misery and despair or raging with anger against them all day long, so they made us be more untrue, a false untrue person if that makes sense, so an untrue untrue person. And our healing begins with our having to uncover the truth of this false person our parents have forced us to be. All so we can feel how bad it makes us feel, how it’s killing us and preventing us from flourishing. And at some point when we’ve seen and accepted all this about our being so false, then we can just be lovingly the damaged person they caused us to be. And then as to what happens, I don’t know...
So it’s right that we reach a point where we can fully accept lovingly all how wrong we are, which is the full self-acceptance of our wrongness, of our evilness, of our damaged self. And that we no longer are trying to not be this way, because we are it, it’s what our Mother and Father have wanted us to be - so be it!
Then from being true to our untrue state, we can move to being true. It will interesting to see if this is what does happen, and it would be more in keeping with what the Celestials have told me, in that once they are in the Celestial spheres, they set about uncovering the truth of being true. So perhaps we have to fully accept our negative state that brings us to the top of the seventh mansion world, then once we’ve fully accepted our untrue state, we’re ready to progress into our real and true state. But does that mean entry then into the Celestials? Or do we have to keep going in the mansion worlds changing to being wholly true and then moving into the Celestials? I’m writing this all out as I feel like writing it as an example of what’s always going on in my mind concerning the working out of such things. It’s probably wrong of me to do this, Marion and I have discussed it many times, however as yet I can’t stop it, I can’t just go in the moment with it all, I’m always working on what the future might hold, although thankfully now as much as I used to.
So having written it, it is still in keeping with what I have been saying concerning where our healing is taking us, only Marion has helped put it into a concise understanding now that she’s experiencing this point. We are to be true to our untruth, as mad as that sounds and basically the very opposite of what we all want and think we should be able to do for ourselves. We believe we should be able to rid ourselves of our untruth, fuck it off altogether once and for all, and if there was a pill that would do it, great, but that’s still denying it, denying our damaged self which is what our parents have made us do. No one wants us to be our damaged untrue selves, not even ourselves, but God does. So there we are, and what can we do about it other than get on and be true to it. And then see what happens.
Although a long post, I’m going to keep going as more has come to light having spoken with Marion about what she’s feeling about it all.
It’s the same as what I’ve written before - the same as we experience when our parents abuse us for not being as they want us to be, we object, rebel and try to resist, then that makes them angry because we’re not just being the good boy or girl, so we get abused further. And although I’ve written above that it’s a double whammy, still it’s all just the same thing - they are not allowing us to be how we want to be. It’s just part of the abuse we suffer at the hands of such cruel unloving abusers.
Marion was saying it’s all the beliefs she’s finally given up that were making her be how they said she had to be, and which she took on from them believing - because she had to even though she didn’t feel they were right - that what her parents said was right. So she’s struggled through her whole life believing she had to be all the ways her parents said she must be, all of which she failed miserably in being able to do, all of which she finally decided to give up. But to give them up wasn’t so easy, it leading her to doing her healing through her feelings.
So our untrue untrue false self is a belief, nothing more, but it’s locked in so hard and is so dam hard to shift because we’ve given our minds so much power over ourselves. And to hack away at the structure over years of feeling liberation, slowly revealing the truth of that structure, is the only way we can break it down and rid ourselves of it. Slowly depowering our minds control over ourselves - our real feelings - and allowing us to just be the fucked up person they made us be.
I asked Marion where she thought she might go from here, and she doesn’t know of course, nor does she care, just more feeling expression as she feels them, and possibly feeling increasingly better about being her damaged self... if she feels that way.
But for me her experience this morning has had an expected profound effect. Suddenly it’s as if the green light has come on and I can start my new blog. It’s as if I’d been waiting for some sign, and now I have it, because I feel that I understand this - what I will call the first stage of our healing - and so can get on with talking about it. As for the next stage, if indeed such things can be broken up into stages, that can come, but in the meantime I can busy myself with the first part as I strive to complete it.
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Post by Sam M on Jul 19, 2015 4:56:45 GMT 10
Thank you so much for writing this it is incredible and so clear to understand and I felt it truly Hit Home with me. It is all I have been trying to do, to be true to my untrue self, to accept and experience all that my parents wanted me to be without pretending that I am better than that so being so untrue to my untruth, how many facades can we bare, how hard is life when we continue to maintain the numerous facades, which one shall I be today? Just be true to the untrue monster that my parents created but don't want me to be, instead of denying it because I know it is all so bad and shameful and wrong, be true to it all and stop pretending I am anything better because the truth is I am all the awful things that I despise about me. I was reflecting the other day about all the times I was told off by them for doing things they taught me so they told and showed me how to be and then hated it and punished me for being like it, I can hear their words "I don't know where she gets it from", its all so hypocritical. To accept, express and feel the truth of our untruth in the moment, there is only this moment of when we are feeling it to heal it. Thank you Marion and James. xx
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Post by wesley on Jul 24, 2015 0:41:46 GMT 10
I was lead to this sphere or maybe I just appeared there. And it was like a place I could never imagined existed. The architecture was unbelievable. Not created with machines nor industry. I knew this automatically for some reason. I wondered who or whom created it. Then I was seated. By whom I don't know but that person was behind me. Then appeared in front of me many women. They had all the makings of the real rulers of this world. Now the onslaught of all this women produce in me much desire. Then a lady step forward and told me my table was ready. The woman behind me touch me on my shoulder and released this tension. Letting me see beyond my desire for these women. I felt so good that I became guilty. She was more than a friend and she knew every bit of my guilt. I never felt so good ever with a person than I did with this woman persona. Then I saw the men there. They wouldn't say a word. They were very lost, immature and out of there minds. They didn't talk as if they had no language. But I could say what ever I wanted which automatically I knew that I was invited there. A place long a head of me. I saw there ancient places where these women were the artists and fine were they. They smiled continuously. Then as I sat down at the table I couldn't help myself. I became angry because of all these men looking besides themselves. You think how can such a change of emotion when the feelings there were so beautiful. As I was about to let my discuss out they put a plate in front of me and the anger quickly left. Why I don't know but the plate look magnificent. Wow! This dream could have probably lasted for about 60 seconds. But seeing the joy of being around these women opened my eyes to there true nature. And I will never forget it even when I'm long down road striving to heal my soul. And even as I write about it right now I get those beautiful chills going through my spiritual body. Only touch by them.
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Post by James on Jul 24, 2015 12:12:59 GMT 10
What an interesting dream. Why do you think all the men were so pathetic whilst the women were so great and powerful? Do you feel anything about this, and does it relate to your family in any way?
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Post by wesley on Jul 24, 2015 17:13:16 GMT 10
I myself felt so pathetic and Divine Love seem present. It was represented very well with the women. But yet I felt the Love but I disregarded my true feelings of being angry. I myself wanted to know why the men were represented that way but I'd rather enjoy that good feeling. Easy feeling all beauty but hard to release my own feelings. But how can I say that these men represented me I wanted to be a great guest. But my family trained me under the ego of the man and his pride. I had to act like I was special when these women seem to know I wasn't. I couldn't release my true feelings. And was haunted by the Love ghost. I had anger and expression of it but the Love seemed to overpower it. But yet I enjoy the dream and it's good feeling. Yet then I wondered that it still didn't do anything for my anger. If this was maybe in the spirit then maybe I could express my hopelessness and pathetic ways on earth. I seem to always look for the Love in every moment. But that is not being true. And I know when passing into the spirit everything feels good and comfortable. Almost weilding you off to the mind world. But being able to express myself failed me but my hope is my hopelessness. That I know someday I would. But it seemed my mind still has the upper hand.
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