How do you live with Faith and Trust?
Feb 12, 2015 22:57:46 GMT 10
Post by James on Feb 12, 2015 22:57:46 GMT 10
Living with Faith and Trust in oneself, which is also with trust and faith in God.
How do you have faith?
It’s about having faith and trust in your feelings, not in your mind.
I want to live true to myself, so true my feelings, so true to my soul, so true to the Soul that created my soul. But are my feelings true so I can trust them? And by doing my healing that’s what I’m endeavouring to find out.
All the way along I’ve wanted to put my trust in what God says to me, so my faith in words - in my mind. I ask God: Mother and Father, should I get comprehensive insurance for the car? What if I crashed into someone and didn’t have insurance, I couldn’t afford to pay for the damage if it was too much. The Mother and Father reply: Nothing bad is going to happen to you James. So I take that to mean I don’t need to insure myself against the bad things happening. Yet, do I want to live this way? Simply being told what to do by someone else, even if it is God, and then trying to live with faith and trust in Them, in what They’ve told me. Because what if something bad does happen when They said it wouldn’t. And I’ve got no way to test such faith, to test if what They say is right. How do I know if They are only telling me such things because that’s what I want Them to tell me, it’s what I want to hear, especially when They’ve said such things before and yet They’ve also made bad things happen too. It is that I have to wait until the end of my life and conclude that They were right, nothing bad did happen, so I am glad I didn’t waste all that money on unnecessary insurance. But I will still worry all the way to my death that something bad might happen, as bad things have still happened through my healing even though They’ve said they wouldn’t. Nothing very serious mind you, nothing like crashing the car, yet still doubt lingers in me and I fail in being able to trust and have faith in Them completely. And I don’t have ‘blind faith’ in saying God said nothing bad will happen so get on with it - nothing bad will happen! As much as I have thought I’d like to be able to live that way, it’s simply not in me, I can’t do it, I can’t apply myself like that. And why am I so scared anyway about bad things happening at any moment, other people don’t live that way.
But this is really still just having faith in my mind - at least trying to. They tell me, so I want to believe Them. I wanted to believe my parents when they told me but they legged me over and caused me to feel bad so I couldn’t have faith in them, I doubted them, I couldn’t trust them - they didn’t come through. I can’t just ‘believe’ and have absolute faith and trust like some people can, like a lot of Christians seem to have and live, with life seeming to support such strong conviction. Possibly they were able to trust and have faith in their parents, their parents following through. A child like faith that was never undermined, all that became part of their adult pattern.
Anyway, for me having faith and trust by using my mind to believe, leaves me feeling hollow, and scared, and really just waiting for the bad thing to happen and show me up as being fraudulent and deceitful in my faith and trust.
So what about my feelings - what do they make me feel like doing?
Because of doing my healing, my feelings say I don’t want to do anything to try and prevent bad things from happening, preventing myself from feeling all my feelings. And that is what I want, that is really how I want to live. Without any belief involved.
So what do I feel about the insurance in this case? And it’s the same as what I feel about going to the doctor or doing anything to try and prevent bad things happening - preventing myself from feeling bad. So I don’t want to do anything to insure myself again the bad.
I want to feel bad, so I want the necessary bad things - whatever they might be - to happen. As much as I dread bad things happening and really don’t want anything bad to ever happen, still as I am full of bad feelings I have to accept that they need bad things to stir them up so I can work at expressing them and uncover the truth they are helping me see about myself. So I don’t want to go to the doctor unless I can’t bear the pain or whatever it is anymore and I’m driven to go. So I don’t want to insure myself in anyway. I just want to stay true me feelings of wanting to feel what I feel.
And this feeling is very strong in me. And I can put all my faith and trust in it, and I feel better doing so. I still feel scared of what bad things might happen, but I feel truer, more focused and centred in myself - in what I really want and why I want such things and to be that way. Because the more feeling-aware and self-accepting I am becoming, and the more I express all my bad feelings about everything, so the more I know and can trust and have faith that going with my feelings is the right way. And the truth keeps coming to show me that.
So I am able to rely on myself, my feelings and their ‘desire’. I no longer need to rely on my mind such as asking the Mother and Father if anything bad will happen. And I can also feel that by living true to my feelings I am living true to Them, so I can have absolute trust and faith in Them through what I feel and not by what I think and believe. I can have faith and trust in my feelings.
And the further I progress in my healing the stronger certain aspects of myself are becoming. I am feeling more confident in such areas within myself. And they just feel like natural things, no big deal, no effort even required to trust such feelings. They are simply becoming an expression of the truth - my truth - I am living, it growing each day.
So I feel I have my feelings and I know what I feel I want to do, so I no longer have to keep asking God to hold my hand, pretending I can rely on and live any words the Mother and Father say to me, all of which has been very difficult because I also know that until I am fully healed I am only projecting such things to do with mum and dad onto the Mother and Father, so it’s not about what God is actually saying to me, it’s still what mum and dad are saying. Hence my lack of conviction, belief, faith and trust in what God - mum and dad - says. Because they proved untrustworthy. And until I’ve healed them and all their consequences out of me, so the Mother and Father have to keep relating to me as I related to mum and dad. But thankfully all of that too is changing as I become truer to myself.
Added to this is my feeling not to work. I’ve resisted trying to get work, suffering having little money and the government trying to get me to work, all so I’ve been able to spend so much ‘home time’ with Marion so we’ve been able to completely dedicate ourselves to our healing. I’ve always felt I am more important, my sanity and eventual happiness, than whether or not the government it happy with me. And even whether or not I have to lie, cheat and deceive to remain on benefits. And yet my mind has been on societies and the governments side, accusing me of being a dole-bludger, and what right do I have to believe the government and tax payers should carry me when I don’t do anything for the money. All my programming about how it’s wrong to be on the dole, how I am a failure because I’m not working and contributing to society goes round and round in my mind. And this is then joined with my feelings of hating being dependent on someone else, and that it’s wrong to be that way, and that I should be able to pull my own weight, all feelings being generated by my mind’s beliefs. And all the way along I’ve had to resist my mind and the feelings it’s generating and stay true to what I really feel I want to do - my healing; and yet at the same time as part of my healing, accepting these bad feelings and working with them to uncover the sources of my mind being against what I really want to do. And why I can’t have a real life and remain dependent on handouts. Handouts being all I ever got from my parents who made me so completely dependent on them. My mind has been my greatest barrier and enemy to my doing my healing. It’s been one long struggle against it. So once again I’ve had to have complete faith and trust in my deeper true feelings about not wanting to work, and why I don’t want to, and not allowing my rebellious anti-me mind rule and dominate me. My mind is the society and government I grew up in, that of my family - of mum and dad. They couldn’t stop working, go on the dole, and devote themselves to doing their healing. Their minds were too strong. So they never asked me what I was doing, never took an interest, because then they’d have had to face some unpleasant truths about themselves as to how they were living denying their true feelings. None of which they were prepared to do.
So my whole healing has been a test of faith and trust in my own feelings of wanting to do it. And thankfully so far my mind has not been able to completely stop such feelings. And also, neither has the world put so much pressure on me forcing me to stop doing it. It’s been amazing, because my getting older has managed so far to keep me one step ahead of all the changes the government has introduced to the dole. So just when it has looked like I’d have to spend more time away from Marion, so I’ve got a year older and just moved ahead the cut-off age.
And I don’t care whether it’s right for me or not to be dependent on the government, because I know it’s right for me on a soul level to keep honouring and staying true to my deeper feelings. And were they to change, and were I to feel I wanted to get a job, then I would set about trying to get one. And in the meantime my mind can go through all its gyrations jumping up and down and freaking out about being on the dole and my not going to doctor to see about my increasing physical problems, my not going to dentist for years now, my not paying for insurance, all so I can keep working through all the bad feelings that result. So it’s my soul through my feelings verses my mind and its beliefs, with the conflict zone stimulating masses of bad feelings for me to embrace, express and see the truth of. All of which as I’ve done, has only served to strengthen my faith and trust in myself, whilst lessening my faith and trust in the meaningless arguments and beliefs of my mind.
How do you have faith?
It’s about having faith and trust in your feelings, not in your mind.
I want to live true to myself, so true my feelings, so true to my soul, so true to the Soul that created my soul. But are my feelings true so I can trust them? And by doing my healing that’s what I’m endeavouring to find out.
All the way along I’ve wanted to put my trust in what God says to me, so my faith in words - in my mind. I ask God: Mother and Father, should I get comprehensive insurance for the car? What if I crashed into someone and didn’t have insurance, I couldn’t afford to pay for the damage if it was too much. The Mother and Father reply: Nothing bad is going to happen to you James. So I take that to mean I don’t need to insure myself against the bad things happening. Yet, do I want to live this way? Simply being told what to do by someone else, even if it is God, and then trying to live with faith and trust in Them, in what They’ve told me. Because what if something bad does happen when They said it wouldn’t. And I’ve got no way to test such faith, to test if what They say is right. How do I know if They are only telling me such things because that’s what I want Them to tell me, it’s what I want to hear, especially when They’ve said such things before and yet They’ve also made bad things happen too. It is that I have to wait until the end of my life and conclude that They were right, nothing bad did happen, so I am glad I didn’t waste all that money on unnecessary insurance. But I will still worry all the way to my death that something bad might happen, as bad things have still happened through my healing even though They’ve said they wouldn’t. Nothing very serious mind you, nothing like crashing the car, yet still doubt lingers in me and I fail in being able to trust and have faith in Them completely. And I don’t have ‘blind faith’ in saying God said nothing bad will happen so get on with it - nothing bad will happen! As much as I have thought I’d like to be able to live that way, it’s simply not in me, I can’t do it, I can’t apply myself like that. And why am I so scared anyway about bad things happening at any moment, other people don’t live that way.
But this is really still just having faith in my mind - at least trying to. They tell me, so I want to believe Them. I wanted to believe my parents when they told me but they legged me over and caused me to feel bad so I couldn’t have faith in them, I doubted them, I couldn’t trust them - they didn’t come through. I can’t just ‘believe’ and have absolute faith and trust like some people can, like a lot of Christians seem to have and live, with life seeming to support such strong conviction. Possibly they were able to trust and have faith in their parents, their parents following through. A child like faith that was never undermined, all that became part of their adult pattern.
Anyway, for me having faith and trust by using my mind to believe, leaves me feeling hollow, and scared, and really just waiting for the bad thing to happen and show me up as being fraudulent and deceitful in my faith and trust.
So what about my feelings - what do they make me feel like doing?
Because of doing my healing, my feelings say I don’t want to do anything to try and prevent bad things from happening, preventing myself from feeling all my feelings. And that is what I want, that is really how I want to live. Without any belief involved.
So what do I feel about the insurance in this case? And it’s the same as what I feel about going to the doctor or doing anything to try and prevent bad things happening - preventing myself from feeling bad. So I don’t want to do anything to insure myself again the bad.
I want to feel bad, so I want the necessary bad things - whatever they might be - to happen. As much as I dread bad things happening and really don’t want anything bad to ever happen, still as I am full of bad feelings I have to accept that they need bad things to stir them up so I can work at expressing them and uncover the truth they are helping me see about myself. So I don’t want to go to the doctor unless I can’t bear the pain or whatever it is anymore and I’m driven to go. So I don’t want to insure myself in anyway. I just want to stay true me feelings of wanting to feel what I feel.
And this feeling is very strong in me. And I can put all my faith and trust in it, and I feel better doing so. I still feel scared of what bad things might happen, but I feel truer, more focused and centred in myself - in what I really want and why I want such things and to be that way. Because the more feeling-aware and self-accepting I am becoming, and the more I express all my bad feelings about everything, so the more I know and can trust and have faith that going with my feelings is the right way. And the truth keeps coming to show me that.
So I am able to rely on myself, my feelings and their ‘desire’. I no longer need to rely on my mind such as asking the Mother and Father if anything bad will happen. And I can also feel that by living true to my feelings I am living true to Them, so I can have absolute trust and faith in Them through what I feel and not by what I think and believe. I can have faith and trust in my feelings.
And the further I progress in my healing the stronger certain aspects of myself are becoming. I am feeling more confident in such areas within myself. And they just feel like natural things, no big deal, no effort even required to trust such feelings. They are simply becoming an expression of the truth - my truth - I am living, it growing each day.
So I feel I have my feelings and I know what I feel I want to do, so I no longer have to keep asking God to hold my hand, pretending I can rely on and live any words the Mother and Father say to me, all of which has been very difficult because I also know that until I am fully healed I am only projecting such things to do with mum and dad onto the Mother and Father, so it’s not about what God is actually saying to me, it’s still what mum and dad are saying. Hence my lack of conviction, belief, faith and trust in what God - mum and dad - says. Because they proved untrustworthy. And until I’ve healed them and all their consequences out of me, so the Mother and Father have to keep relating to me as I related to mum and dad. But thankfully all of that too is changing as I become truer to myself.
Added to this is my feeling not to work. I’ve resisted trying to get work, suffering having little money and the government trying to get me to work, all so I’ve been able to spend so much ‘home time’ with Marion so we’ve been able to completely dedicate ourselves to our healing. I’ve always felt I am more important, my sanity and eventual happiness, than whether or not the government it happy with me. And even whether or not I have to lie, cheat and deceive to remain on benefits. And yet my mind has been on societies and the governments side, accusing me of being a dole-bludger, and what right do I have to believe the government and tax payers should carry me when I don’t do anything for the money. All my programming about how it’s wrong to be on the dole, how I am a failure because I’m not working and contributing to society goes round and round in my mind. And this is then joined with my feelings of hating being dependent on someone else, and that it’s wrong to be that way, and that I should be able to pull my own weight, all feelings being generated by my mind’s beliefs. And all the way along I’ve had to resist my mind and the feelings it’s generating and stay true to what I really feel I want to do - my healing; and yet at the same time as part of my healing, accepting these bad feelings and working with them to uncover the sources of my mind being against what I really want to do. And why I can’t have a real life and remain dependent on handouts. Handouts being all I ever got from my parents who made me so completely dependent on them. My mind has been my greatest barrier and enemy to my doing my healing. It’s been one long struggle against it. So once again I’ve had to have complete faith and trust in my deeper true feelings about not wanting to work, and why I don’t want to, and not allowing my rebellious anti-me mind rule and dominate me. My mind is the society and government I grew up in, that of my family - of mum and dad. They couldn’t stop working, go on the dole, and devote themselves to doing their healing. Their minds were too strong. So they never asked me what I was doing, never took an interest, because then they’d have had to face some unpleasant truths about themselves as to how they were living denying their true feelings. None of which they were prepared to do.
So my whole healing has been a test of faith and trust in my own feelings of wanting to do it. And thankfully so far my mind has not been able to completely stop such feelings. And also, neither has the world put so much pressure on me forcing me to stop doing it. It’s been amazing, because my getting older has managed so far to keep me one step ahead of all the changes the government has introduced to the dole. So just when it has looked like I’d have to spend more time away from Marion, so I’ve got a year older and just moved ahead the cut-off age.
And I don’t care whether it’s right for me or not to be dependent on the government, because I know it’s right for me on a soul level to keep honouring and staying true to my deeper feelings. And were they to change, and were I to feel I wanted to get a job, then I would set about trying to get one. And in the meantime my mind can go through all its gyrations jumping up and down and freaking out about being on the dole and my not going to doctor to see about my increasing physical problems, my not going to dentist for years now, my not paying for insurance, all so I can keep working through all the bad feelings that result. So it’s my soul through my feelings verses my mind and its beliefs, with the conflict zone stimulating masses of bad feelings for me to embrace, express and see the truth of. All of which as I’ve done, has only served to strengthen my faith and trust in myself, whilst lessening my faith and trust in the meaningless arguments and beliefs of my mind.
