New pages and other bits I've recently added to my websites

CR: New page - STOP CRYING!

STOP CRYING!

You mustn’t cry. It’s not good or right to cry.

But why isn’t it good or right when it’s what you feel you want to do? It’s the best thing you can do if you’re feeling you want to do it.

Why deny any feelings? Denying yourself the right to feel as you do, should surely make you cry even harder. You are hurting yourself by stopping yourself express your bad feelings. It’s all too controlling, ditch the control and cry your eyeballs out. If you didn’t have good reason to cry, you wouldn’t be crying? Cry to uncover those good reasons.

And we’re told to stop crying, either because: it’s better for you to stop, being told in a so-called loving, concerned and caring way; or being told to stop angrily because you’re only making things more difficult for yourself and for everyone else.

There’s no need to cry - what are you crying for, STOP IT!
Don’t cry, you’re upsetting yourself, only making things worse for yourself.
I don’t like to see you crying.
Stop crying, you’re making me angry!
Stop crying or you’ll drown in the misery of your own tears. And that’s not good for you, you’ll make yourself sick.
It’s not acceptable - we don’t want you as you are; we don’t want the crying you, as we don’t want to feel bad and like crying ourselves.

Which is nothing like: keep crying, it’s the best thing you can do. Vent, express, emote all those terrible feelings, let them come out, it’s healing. Cry with all your heart, cry with all your pain, you are crying for very good reasons - YOU HAVE ALL RIGHT TO CRY. Even: you MUST cry, don’t hold it all in, bring it out, allow yourself to abandon yourself to your pain and misery, to all those bad feelings that are making you cry. And long for the truth of them. Cry as much as you want, for as long as you want, whilst longing to uncover the truth of why you are crying. What REALLY is making you cry?

Don’t feel bad - is what you’re trying to do by stopping crying. STOP FEELING BAD - STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. We’re not allowed to feel bad. Feeling bad is the ultimate sin. No one is allowed to feel bad; and worse, no one is EVER allowed to indulge in all their bad feelings for as long as they want to - for as long as they feel bad.

And it’s all so absurd. We have feelings for reasons, so why stop trying to find those reasons by stopping yourself freeing bad. Don’t you want to know the truth of yourself, who you are and why you are feeling all you are feeling?

And how else will you ever know yourself if you won’t even allow yourself to cry.

New page added to CR

Being yourself

It's okay to be yourself;
which means,
It's okay to hate yourself,
if that's how you feel about yourself.


It’s okay to be yourself.

It’s okay to hate yourself if that’s how you feel about yourself.

You’re all right as you are. Nothing is expected of you. You don’t have to keep trying, telling yourself you can do it, telling yourself that you are better than you are.

You’ve suffered a huge trauma - your whole childhood beginning at your conception was one long trauma. And you still have no idea of the extent of your suffering.

And it’s right that you don’t know; it’s right that you’ve not been able to be sympathetic and caring of yourself, because no one cared about you.

And it’s right that you can’t do anything. It’s right that you are a failure - and it’s completely okay. You are not to be anything other than what you are, and being a failure is fine; it’s good, good to fully embrace and accept yourself being it. Much better than running away refusing to face the truth - the truth of what you’ve always felt and known about yourself.

So it’s okay to let yourself off the hook, you don’t have to be perfect, no one is going to judge you. God is not going to be angry with you, nothing bad is going to happen to you for being the useless, hopeless, nothing person you feel you are: BECAUSE IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT. None of it was. You did what you could, you had no choice, you couldn’t be another way.

And it’s right that you’re not like all those other people who seem to do life so effortlessly, getting what they want without difficulty, even being happy in themselves and in their relationships. It’s right that you’re unhappy, miserably and feel shameful about yourself, just as it’s right you have no real friends, no one who loves you, no one who wants to know you.

And it’s completely right and understandable that you want someone to come and look after you, to finally take care of you, someone in whom you can put your trust and entirely count on to always be there for you. It’s right that you want that but also know you can’t have it, not as you are anyway, but possibly might be able to should you heal all your pain and trauma.

You are right to hate yourself, to feel you are a despicable shit wretch good-for-nothing person. It’s absolutely right you feel all the bad feelings about yourself that you do. And that they should be there in you, destroying you; and it’s right that you finally give up the struggle against them, that you allow yourself to give into the fight and submit to them.

And it’s right in doing so that all you have left is wanting to understand what they are all about, why you have them: What is the truth of your trauma? And it’s right, and what will eventually heal you, to seek the truth of such bad feelings about yourself whilst you bring them all up and out of yourself - whilst you feel, embrace, acknowledge and express them; whilst you fully accept yourself as being them.

You are right as you are, all the bad. You are wrong trying stop yourself being all as you are, by pretending you are all right, when you are all wrong.

It’s right, good and okay, to be all-wrong. You are traumatised, and still in great fear, anguish and nervous all the time. And it’s right that no one else understands all you’ve suffered, because how can they - they are not you, they have not been through it all.

And it’s right that it’s all because you weren’t loved as you needed to be as a child. It’s right that not feeling love has traumatised you. Not feeling loved is traumatic. As you know.


There is nothing wrong with hating yourself.

You ARE to hate yourself if you feel you hate yourself. You are NOT to stop hating yourself by using your mind if you feel you do hate yourself. If it’s how you feel, there is NOTHING wrong with it.

We are not meant to go around telling ourselves by using our mind that ‘We love ourself’, or even for that matter, that we hate ourself. We are just meant to be as we feel, and longing for the truth of those feelings.

If you have to tell yourself you love yourself, and do things to show you love yourself, then there is something wrong with you - that something being you actually hate yourself. If you truly loved yourself it would be your state of feelings, you’d not need to say anything or do anything, you’d just be self-loving.

And if you feel you hate yourself, then to remain true to such feelings will only help you with your healing and uncovering the truth of such feelings as you will not be tempted or led away into false love feelings made up and brought about by your mind.

All the bullshit self-love ways we’re taught which people believe and try and live as being right, are wrong. It’s all only keeping you bound up in, and a prisoner of, your mind. It’s all too heavily mind controlled. So when we are healed and true, we’ll simply be our true feelings without any mind in it. It won’t be about believing you are right or wrong, it will simply be being (no beliefs, no mind stuff) that you are as you are. Knowing the truth of how you feel.

So to believe you are wrong is right, because we are going against ourselves. So it’s the other way round to what we think. All the self-help mind stuff directed at telling and then convincing yourself that you are good, right and self-loving, is actually self-hating, as it’s denying ones true underlying feelings.

Hello Sam and Wes.
Finally!
I found a second hand iMac that’s as good as a new one so far as all the specs are concerned. It was a good deal and enjoyable meeting the unassuming Indian?, and so far so good, and the best part was it involved minimal time in the city which I increasingly loath. Then the fun started - trying to get online. And incredibly it happened with my having to go back to Melbourne only once again, so managing to get it all going with just two city trips was pretty good.

I’ve enjoyed my time ‘off’. I did lots of writing, spoke with Mary, Jesus; Elyon and Machiventa who I’d not spoken with for years. They are all happy with what’s going on, and I feel ready to start putting more stuff out there through my new blog.

I’m still changing a lot, continuing to see things more clearly, understanding my problems better; still more anger is coming up about how disconnected I am in my relationships with myself, Marion and my lack of self-expression - same old things.

And although I feel increasingly truer to my yukness, and more aware of how it was for me with mum and dad, overall I’m still feeling stronger daily within myself. My tantrums are not as juvenile, my shocks not as traumatic, my misery and fears are almost gone; boredom, dissatisfaction and feeling so unfulfilled and angry about how much I’ve missed in life are still very strong providing me with plenty of bad feelings to express.

Not being ‘attached’ to the world, not reading the news, not knowing nor caring about ‘what’s happening’ for these few weeks has helped turn me more back to myself, lessening my need to be entertained by what’s happening out there. Better to entertain myself instead of always having to watch my mothers show.

I read your posts Sam about your dream, I have written a comment about it which I’ll post in a day or two when I sort all my writing out on my new machine.