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Post by samantha9 on Oct 17, 2014 17:39:57 GMT 10
Yet again Nature has shown me more about myself and the current state of the world we live in. I was looking at a building that has been empty for a while and noticed how quickly Nature has re-claimed its rightful place by taking over. The building had plants breaking through the brickwork, growing up the sides and the car park was breaking down with the strength of the plants growing up through the Tar mac. It amazed me to understand that Nature will let us believe we have control, albeit false, but will resume its rightful place in the end, Truth will always win and Truth is always watching the Lie waiting for it to give in. Seeing this brought me back to my path and how every time I am out of line with Love, I am aloud to for so long then my Mother and Father bring me back into line just as Nature lets us think we have so much control, then shows us who's Boss, unloving, untruths can never win, we never will all the time we are so out of harmony with Love. That building showed me so much about Love and Lies, Harmony and dis-harmony and the Laws of the Universe that govern our every move, its all so incredible to see it that way and it makes me feel so guided by Loving Parents that are watching my every move and have set Laws in place for me to work with and understand for my own happiness and to grow in a loving way, never alone. I had an incredible down time this week that I shall write about later but it was a huge awakening as to how the truth is coming about at an even deeper level for me now and when I awakened to this realisation of how I was being I felt it leave me almost in that instant and I felt so free, not seeing before, just how I was being in this instance, I will write about it later though. Nature is such a true power showing me that being natural is where the true power is, being true as natural as nature. To see this is a miracle to me, to understand what Nature is showing me is like my own little secret about the Universe, God, Humanity and Myself and I just want to shout it all out to everyone to get it and see what I see. I am feeling it all to be a true Wonder and I am so excited to be experiencing it all. Nature is my partner and all I need to help me see the truth of how I am being in this world, My Mother and Father have provided me with all I need and a great teacher showing me everything constantly, I never knew it like I do now that Nature is my healing buddy.
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Post by wesley on Oct 19, 2014 7:41:17 GMT 10
Hi Samantha I had a similar setting in my gravel parking space. From a distance away I saw all these little red dots and once I got closer I realized they were small little plant like flowers growing In between the stones. Almost no way for any to see that happening. Nature does show the way. Makes me see myself healing through these evil hardened paths. Breaking those evil chains. So do you think once we are healed then nature will show us how to really live?
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 19, 2014 9:45:57 GMT 10
Hi Wesley, I think that while we are trying to perfect our Natural Love, Nature is here for us to learn from, it is our teacher showing us all we need to know and see about ourself and how we are being, reflecting our Soul condition in how we feel about it and we can use the way we feel about nature as a great guide as to our progress in Natural Love. I have found with my path that I am awakening to new things nature has to show me every day and I am working with it to help me progress in Natural Love, Nature being one of Gods many attributes for us to learn from. Nature is showing us how to really live, right now, like a child, pure, innocent and true, everything we are not and for me, I am seeing it all now and how amazing the design is that we have this incredible teacher all around us that goes denied as we deny ourselves, Mary and Jesus, Nature and God and as I understand my connection with Nature and what it is showing me about myself I grow in love as I heal my evil denial of it and see the truth that it shows me, the revelation of this truth fills me with the most amazing feeling and I am awe struck and makes me think of all the time I have spent in denial of it, all the wasted time.
You can see, as you have, how mans denial and interference with nature is a reflection of our soul condition, unloving and how we are with ourselves, others and God. I am letting it all unfold one day at a time Wesley, experience by experience and learning all I can from what I am being shown by nature, it showing me how to really live in each moment, it makes life incredible for me, like a new language that I am beginning to understand.
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Post by James on Oct 21, 2014 20:23:49 GMT 10
I was standing at 'my' creek waiting for the Pardy's to come back to their nest - a small tunnel dug into the bank with grass slightly covering the entrance - with food for their chicks, when just behind me up the bank a little came the magical voice of Fany, a little grey fantail. It was on a thin branch struggling with something white that was hanging down from it. At first I thought it was trying to eat something, but then realised it was building a nest. And I was so close to it, about one and half metres and it was totally unconcerned. Then three days later I returned and there was the most beautiful perfect white cup of a nest. It was expectantly vacant. It took my breath away.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 22, 2014 4:55:59 GMT 10
I just looked the grey Fantail up to see what it looks like and its nest and it is so cute with such a beautifully designed tail. The little nest is perfect and as you said, like a cup on thin little branches. My sister lives in Essendon and often sends me pictures of birds in her garden and I love them. I am still in rapport with my scruffy Magpie and watch him edge ever closer to me and today I was marvelling at the incredible design of the dispersion of the Sycamore Tree seeds that rotate downwards with each gust of wind, while I was watching them fall I was captivated by one in particular that was spinning perfectly but being carried by the air and it seemed to stay in the air for a long time in front of the window, it was an amazing moment to marvel at the greatness of its design and to know that every little detail has been thought about in its creation so why would we ever think God forgot about us, everything created to its perfection. How amazing nature is to use the elements and natures abundance for every step of its journey. Even the Sycamore seed has been given a Wing to transport it to the soil from the branch of the tree, a wing has been created so it can be carried by the wind to its new home, totally trusting where ever that may be, that to me is a Wonder and teaches me so much about trust and faith.  |
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Post by James on Oct 24, 2014 23:00:34 GMT 10
I was worried that I might disturb Mrs Fany as I reckoned she'd be on her nest by now. But as she wasn't bothered about my being there when she was starting to build it, I went trying to creep around not making too much noise. And she was sitting on it, and she turned her head slightly toward me, I said hello and I hope I'm not disturbing you, and she turned her head back and that was that. Mr Fany I could hear singing in the trees nearby da da di dee dit, the most lovely high pitched angelic bird song you can imagine.
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Post by James on Oct 30, 2014 22:34:18 GMT 10
Yesterday I did a terrible thing, I felt so bad. A group of magpies have recently moved into our resident magpie pairs territory. The pair are busy with their babies so haven’t tried too hard to move them on. Some of these younger ‘homeless’ magpies are very friendly, obviously having grown up around people who’ve feed them. One of the girls came right up to me yesterday with that ‘Please get me some food’ look. She almost stood on my foot imploring me to give her something. I wanted to please her, it being such a thrill to have her so close and so unafraid of me. I looked under the water bowls knowing slugs and beetles hid there during the day. And sure enough there was a large black beetle which I gave to her. I felt good, then very bad.
I just threw that beetles life away. It wasn’t important, it was far more important for me to impress the magpie and elevate my ego for being able to feed a wild magpie who came up to me - ME! Me the important one - asking me for food. I felt so bad, I had done such a bad thing. I sacrificed that beetle for my own self-gain. I didn’t give a shit how it felt suddenly being taken from its home and fed to the bird. I felt so guilty, never again, I will never do that again, it’s not right. I interfered with it imposing my will for my own pleasure and pleasure based on my own powerlessness and my feeling so unloved. The magpie was showing she was loving me, and I wanted more of her love, when all she wanted was me to get her some easy food.
And I felt like I had committed the worse sin, that God would punish me forever. And Marion said, but don’t you think your feeling bad is enough, why do you also think you’re going to punished as well?
And what she said was right. My believing I was going to get punished was an extra part of it, mum and dad punishing me for doing the bad thing. And my feeling bad, sorry for the beetle, my lack of respect for it, especially when under other circumstances when should I have found the beetle in a vulnerable place would have moved it out of sight of feeding magpies, is enough. My feelings are guiding me, they are showing me the truth of why I feel bad, what an unloving act it was. It being just as my parents did to me, feeding me off to those they believed might love them or for the gain they thought they might get without a moments thought about me and my feelings and what they were doing with my life. Just throwing me down the toilet.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 28, 2015 18:04:00 GMT 10
The natural disaster in Nepal and surrounding affected regions has really impacted upon me as to how useless it all makes me feel. I feel so small and insignificant and so unable to do anything to make any difference to those suffering. All I can do is feel that hopeless, useless and paralyzed feeling I feel from it all and why I feel the need to have to help those in need, what is it in me that is so compelled to help and make it all better for everyone, that not being a loving act at all just helping others to deny how awful they feel. I have to feel my grief about this as do those affected, this is all I can do is use it to go to my feelings to bring up more hopeless pain inside me and not deny anything it all makes me feel. I am seeing that nature is helping us to feel as for many of those people that is all they have left, everything being taken away from them and all they are left with is their grief which brings up the grief in me of that abandonment, being so alone and so afraid in this world. There is so much to feel around this even asking myself do I really want to help or do I feel it is something Mum and Dad would expect of me so I am doing it because I want to please them, they being the ones who taught me to always put others first, before myself. I am just watching it on the news and people are all saying how helpless they feel, trying to raise £25,000 000, I can even feel resistance in myself at giving money feeling that as a loss and that wont leave enough for me, I feel like a total shit and if I did give money it would be because my parents would expect it of me, wow so much to reveal about my unloving self. it would be a good opportunity for people to go with there feelings but it will not happen, an opportunity for healing as I see the grief in their faces. All I can do is to go to my feelings and express all this brings up in me to help me heal. Most people would call me selfish by bringing this devastation back to being about me and how I feel, my parents would for sure but I feel that these natural disasters are all to bring us back to how we feel. to bring up our supressed pain and show us how unloving we are to ourselves and each other, to bring up the truth of ourselves and to bring about change all through our feelings.
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Post by James on Apr 28, 2015 22:37:13 GMT 10
“Do I really want to help?” It’s a big issue. Almost daily Marion and I touch on it in one way or another. We’ve had to admit that we don’t want to help, and feel how selfish we are, all those bad things other people say you are for not helping. We have given money, then not given it, then given it, then not, then... and now we don’t. Marion is completely self-focused on not wanting to do anything for anyone other than herself, not even tell the people off who let their dogs freely run around chasing the rabbits and wallabies as she used to. She can’t help anyone; she can hardly help herself. When the magpies or plovers send up their alarm and distress calls, often nothing more than one of their own flying through their territory, she feels the pull to go and help - she must always help. But now she doesn’t. She expresses all the anguish and torment she still feels but it’s diminishing.
Being made to feel responsible for everyone else at the expense of yourself, being there for everyone else and not yourself, giving yourself away to everyone else - they are more important than you are, putting everyone else first, being selfless and self-effacing, is all as you say Sam, doing what they made you do, keeping yourself in the powerless state. And to be made to believe that you can empower and are empowered by shitting on yourself and giving away all you’ve got, empathy, sympathy, money and so on, when you don’t have it, it’s not good. It’s hard to be brutally honest with how you feel. We’ve both felt so angry at being made to give. And when you’re forced to against your own will, then you never have anything truly to give. For how can you give, how can you love when you don’t feel loving because you were never able to love and were never loved. It’s all a mind controlling thing, pretending to be loving - all false and wrong and soul-killing.
I liked this what you said Sam “...what is it in me that is so compelled to help and make it all better for everyone, that not being a loving act at all just helping others to deny how awful they feel.” So if I am reading it right, you’re saying that by someone who is false and not loving, someone who’s pretending to love, does ‘loving’ acts, then all they are doing is helping the other person deny their bad feelings, which is not loving at all.
This is a conundrum I wrestle with: If I had the power to heal, say to do miraculous healings, would I use it? Would I take away that persons pain who wants it taken away or heal them of that illness or deformity, is that doing them a good thing, it is being truly loving, or is doing them a disservice and being unloving by denying them their bad feelings and all they would derive from them?
And what if it were a little child... and would it not really matter because their miracle healing would only be a temporary bandaide, it not of course taking away their childhood pain, all of which would reassert itself at some point in the future. So the healing might be good giving them other experiences that may help them move deeper into their evilness or help them with their true healing when the time comes.
As usual I think about Jesus, be being perfect and the benchmark in so many things, and as the UB says he chose not to do healings himself. He had the power to do them being the Creator Son, as did Mary, but they chose not to act with it, leaving it up to the Mother and Father, they simply being a vehicle for Them to use if They chose to.
And it’s not that I am suggesting that I would ever have the power as to do miraculous healings, but to scale that back down to just doing anything to help someone to stop feeling bad - is that bad and unloving?
Which then comes back to ones motives as to why one wants to do such things anyway, which then comes back to as you said Sam: does it all just stem from what your parents told and expected you to do? And if it does, then how do you, the real you, feel about it? Which we can’t know until we’ve finished our healing. So we just have to keep going this way and that expressing very little bit of bad feeling as it comes up, and being taken all over the place and through countless feelings, thoughts and emotions, all leading us to the truth of ourselves - so what we do really feel. So what we would have felt had our parents not interfered with us.
And you know, the thing I like best about the healing is that we’ve all got to work out these things for ourselves - through our own feelings and experiences. No one can tell another what they should do. I mean, we can of course tell each other what we think the other person should do, but we’ve still got to come to it ourselves. So there is no learning a set formula, there’s no right or wrong way - there’s just your way, how it is for you.
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Post by wesley on Apr 29, 2015 3:54:53 GMT 10
Giving has been a horrible thing for me. Learning from my dad at a very young age. And yet through the years I've been giving money here and there. My first job I treated the family to dinner. From my heart just to see them gorge with absolutely no thanks at all. Since then my giving never came from the heart to see how cold giving really is. Give in order to receive. There is nothing for me to give anymore. So I'll bite the bullet on this one. I never received anything but horrors. Bad feelings all the way through. All the way to Divine Love. Give the Love. Spread the Love. Give something that is not in me. Is this the great law. I don't know but it is not there for me.
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Post by James on Apr 29, 2015 22:00:36 GMT 10
I think one of the traps is that we believe we are meant to tell everyone else the ‘Good News’. It’s more of a power play than anything else so far as I can see. Spread the Love, tell everyone about the Divine Love, Get The Message Out! Go out there and... I was full of it, but it’s been slowly leaving me as I’ve had to work on my guilt for not ‘Doing More’. But no, less is more so far as I’m coming to understand. Because as I always come back to, how can we truly know what is right and loving and truly giving when we’re all wrong. So all we think being right is more than likely to be wrong, and all we think of as being wrong - right.
If someone is to receive the Truth from you, it should just come naturally, just like anything else as you share and converse, with nothing forced, no ulterior motive. And then it comes out in the right way at the right time. The difficulty for me has been having to shut up and not say anything and wait until I’m asked, even seriously asked rather always trying to cast the bait out there dropping subtle or even not so subtle hints hoping to get a bite.
So pulling back, which is what I’m still doing, still umming and ahhing about doing anything further on the Internet about DLS. If I do any more article publishing I want to feel I’m doing it simply because I want to, and not because I should do it, and if I do it, it might lead to... So I’m holding off currently not wanting to push anything; and then on the other side of it, dealing with issues and bad feelings about why I’m not being assertive, why I’m not pushing out into the world asserting myself and telling the whole world what I’m about and even that it should long for the Love. There’s always both sides to everything, and always for me so much confusion in-between.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 6, 2015 18:50:29 GMT 10
I am still in a state of complete emotional grief and overwhelming, both emotions that I have found it so hard to touch upon easily but yesterday this all changed for me.
Trevor and myself were driving to the shop when a cat ran out in the road and the car coming the other way ran over it. I just screamed and screamed at the horror as we drove past. I screamed for Trevor to stop but he didn't because the people that ran it over had stopped to deal with it. I was inconsolable, sobbing as I have never sobbed before. Trevor took me home and was amazed at my reaction. He understood what was going on and the grief that was being brought to light within me. I cried all afternoon and went into hyperventilation a couple of times to as terror came up and I allowed it to as I wouldn't have done before, I would have fought it with all I had. I just allowed it all to happen as I needed it to and I was unrecognisable to myself and shocked at how uncontrollable I was when I allow myself to do what is needed.
The grief that was surfacing was connected to so many different feelings. I went through the grief of not being able to get out of the car and do what I needed to do or what I felt, I felt I wanted to be there with the cat in its last moments and I was denied that experience. I was so angry, Trevor was being my parents and not allowing me to feel, to be there with the grief but to take me away from the horror of it so I didn't have to see the full awfulness of it. I knew this was all about Trevor and his denial, he didn't want to feel the depths of his own grief so took me away from it, I felt so grief stricken that I had no choice in this and my desire was to be with that beautiful cat so we could both grieve together, I would have layed down in the road with it until it had fully passed and given it all the love I had in me for the opportunity it had given me to heal, I was feeling it had given its life for me so that I could touch the feelings that needed to be touched, I wanted to thank it for its love for me but \I never had the chance. Then as |I was going through this I was asking Mother and Father for their love and to help me see what I needed to see in this and instantly Harry came to me, I was seeing him at the bottom of the cliffs, not yet dead, but me not being allowed to be with him because of the police keeping me from him, the feelings and scenario was all the same but I hadn't been able to access the anger and the grief and Mother and Father knew how to bring this about for me and I truly feel that the cat gave its life for me to feel this, that all seems so wrong but also so right, maybe James, you could help me understand that part because I am so sure it is right, do our angels intervene with animals to help us learn about love and our feelings?
Slow motion set in as we drove past the cat at it was looking at me, still alive, just like with Harry, that Cat was Harry for me yesterday and it wanted to bring to me all of the feelings that are still hidden in me so I can release them. I thank that cat so much, there are no words for the love I felt/feel for it. Trevor and myself just talked about it all night and he said that it had also allowed him to go back to the grief of when his cat got run over, he didn't want to face it but while he left me upstairs to grieve he also touched on some feelings that needed to come out. Its the best conversation we have had.
Today I woke up looking and feeling like I had been emotionally beaten up, I ache all over and don't look like myself, I look different and feel totally empty inside, I had such an opportunity to cry about everything yesterday so I took it fully and used the experience to bring up so much grief whilst I was able to cry so freely. Now I feel truly empty inside, hollow almost.
James I have loved reading your new "Is it Spiritual Nonsense" blog and I have also loved hearing about Marions experiences, it all helps me get in touch with my own feelings, thank you both for all that you do, it has been life changing for me and now I am passing it on to whoever is interested in what I say through my own experiences. Love to you both. xx
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Post by James on Oct 7, 2015 17:15:13 GMT 10
It is ALL for us Sam. The whole of nature exists for us, it serves us - humanity. It is a creation of the MIND, of the Infinite Daughter Spirit, and She gives of Herself in service and love to the Eternal Son, who is the Truth - FEELINGS. So we, being souls of truth are of the Eternal Son in this respect, with nature being the Infinite Daughter. And the Eternal Son is then meant to reciprocate, loving and serving the Infinite Daughter by supporting Her with truth, and looking after all Her creations with Feeling. So we are meant to feel love for and support and be kind and caring to nature, feeling for it, not treating it as we do in our unlovingness with no feeling, just using it for our own gain. So we all help each other, we all just get on expressing ourselves and it just happens.
So we are the truth and feelings as nature is the mind and thoughts, so in that respect, yes the cat gave her life for you Sam to have the experience you required so as to give rise to the necessary feelings you needed so as to uncover the truth of them, which you are doing, and heal yourself more - grow more in truth. So you feel it’s wrong, because you might feel you don’t want nature to suffer and deprive itself of life just for you, and who are you when you are nothing other than an evil fucked-up unloving and untrue person, and when nature is so true and pure and good and loving; but you also feel it’s right because it’s the mind serving the truth, it is the highest expression of love nature has and gives and offers to us, that being allowing us to do whatever we please with it, and it never says no we can’t, it doesn’t resist or refuse. It fights for its own survival but that’s just natural and instinctual, yet it doesn’t say no you can’t use and abuse us, and it never refuses us, it allows us to do whatever we want to it unconditionally. Which is why we should cherish and completely respect it and only ever love and hold it in the highest esteem, even if we do kill and eat and use it to help us in our lives, giving what we can - our love and truth - back to it for its love and understanding of us.
So you could see that the cat fulfilled its highest calling by helping you Sam because you are wanting the truth and are prepared to allow yourself to feel the depths of your feelings and emotions and all the pain, anguish and despair. Of course nature in its service and love for us wants us to grow in truth - is helping us to grow in truth; which then means when we don’t want to grow in truth, when we rebel and reject truth, rejecting our feelings and all nature is doing for us, our abuse of nature is then a million times worse. And we pay for that abuse and neglect as you understand, we will feel very bad for any abuse of nature we’ve done, any disrespect we’ve caused it, such bad feelings coming out through our healing.
Verna helped me understand that nature is there to help us however we need such help. So if we are to evolve our evilness, so it will help us do that; and if we are heal ourselves and become true, so it will help us do that. It’s really impartial, the creatures are not consciously aware of helping us, but possibly on some level are, or will be once they have evolved higher into becoming nature spirits and angels. So the cat was just doing its cat business and it was bad luck it got hit by the car; however as there is no such thing as just bad luck, it was all perfect, the timing of you driving past, you being ready within yourself for what the experience would put you through, one of those traumatic experiences we have during our healing that connects us with deeply buried trauma. And the fact that you ‘reacted so intensely’, ‘over to top’, as might be judged by some people, just shows how wonderfully sensitive and open to such bad feelings you were, and how you didn’t resist them, all so you could connect more with the trauma of Harry’s death, and then with the trauma of ‘your own death’ as your parents ‘killed’ your true self.
When we had our little cat - Potsy, she would do things that would hurt her all so I would feel and break through the barriers I needed to. I hated seeing her suffer on my account - that’s how I saw it. Marion is more pragmatic saying all I’ve written above is nonsense, saying Pots wasn’t doing it for me, she was doing it herself and suffering the consequences of her actions. And your cat was doing what it did and you just happened to be there seeing it get run over. That of course our soul organises it all for us, but it’s not doing it for us on purpose or we for it, that we’re all just naturally helping each other anyway, it being what Creation is.
And Pots kept doing the things that kept hurting her, she didn’t learn from them as I yelled at her to do. So I even concluded that she loved in one part of herself the thrill of getting bashed up by the other cats even though it hurt, but she was still being all she wanted to be, and we didn’t make her stay inside trying to stop her getting hurt. She knew she was running the gauntlet all the time, but it was what she wanted to do; and half the time I think she loved knowing with all her screaming I’d come running scaring off the other cats that were attacking her. So she loved the attention. It was all mad but it helped me see that she was there well and truly for me, for both Marion and I, and boy did she help us go into our repressed stuff. I will forever be truly grateful to her. Marion and I wished we could have given her a better life, but she wouldn’t have know about that, she lived hers to the full, and we all did what we needed to do. But I saw how much she - nature - is there to help us, and especially when we are doing our healing. Everything became so personal and very feeling-intense, just as you personally felt so close with the cat, it being as you understand in many ways yourself. And you being in many ways wanting to love and lie down on the road with the cat until its end, ensuring it knows you are there for it, loving it, this being you wanting to lie down with yourself loving yourself, giving to yourself that which you wished your parents gave you, wishing they would have lain down on the road with you giving you all their love.
I feel like there is more I want to write about nature helping us. I’ll post this now. I hope it makes sense, please ask me if it doesn’t, and I’ll think more about it over the next few days. And I’d love to hear more about what you go through Sam, it being such a huge experience.
I talked about it with Marion and she says that you’ve got the same thing I’ve got - or perhaps you got it from reading my stuff? - about seeing that I am responsible for everything and so responsible for that cat. So it was my fault, I am to blame, I am to feel guilty that it sacrificed itself for me, all because of my selfish healing and truth needs. But as she said, it has nothing really to do with me, it’s not living its life for me, it doesn’t care about me, it’s doing what it wants and at that moment it wanted to cross the road and didn’t see the car or however it happened.
She said that more importantly however, is: Why do you feel the cat killed itself for you? That’s all what has to come out. We feel and express the feelings then ask: Why do you have them. What do you feel; why do you feel it?
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 7, 2015 18:29:28 GMT 10
Thank you James and Marion for this, I am working through so much of my feelings about what happened, so much arrogance I am feeling about my need to feel special, and my need to punish myself with feelings such as guilt. I feel that I am to blame for the cats death because of my denial of feeling my pain so I needed a harder hitting experience to get me to reach the depths of my grief, how bad does it all need to get before I reach my denied feelings and no one or nothing needs to get hurt any more because of me and my resistance to feel. I feel such guilt that I am attracting so much pain to me because I am having to have it brought to me, so I can heal. It is all so much at once, in one experience I am being bombarded with so many feelings, and still they come. I have always felt responsible for everything that happens and such guilt when it turns out bad and I constantly felt responsible for making it all better with Mum and Dad. I am going to work on this today and spend time on revealing the truth. I will be back later with what I have discovered and thank you both, so much.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 7, 2015 18:35:25 GMT 10
Please do write more about nature James, it all helps so much.
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Post by James on Oct 8, 2015 22:46:10 GMT 10
“I feel that I am to blame for the cats death because of my denial of feeling my pain so I needed a harder hitting experience to get me to reach the depths of my grief, how bad does it all need to get before I reach my denied feelings and no one or nothing needs to get hurt any more because of me and my resistance to feel. I feel such guilt that I am attracting so much pain to me because I am having to have it brought to me, so I can heal”
I saw things this way too Sam, I still might, I’m not sure now because I no longer have such experiences happening to me. I used to be so scared, always anxious about the next big shock hitting me and it coming because of me being bad and causing Pots or Marion to suffer. I felt so guilty too and only recently have I felt less to no fear about what might happen to push me deep enough to get me into my worst stuff. Every time going out in the car I’d be shitting myself that this would be it, I would run over a bird, or cause a car crash or the tree would just fall on the car smashing me up and somehow it would be my fault, and I would need to be smashed up just to break me apart enough so I could let go and release all that was blocked up in me. That the trauma would be so great that I wouldn’t be able to keep all my feelings under control, and whatever I’d do I’d feel so guilty for the rest of eternity never able to forgive myself because I hurt that other person or creature so badly.
But through the years as I’ve understood my pattern I’ve come to realise that I as I didn’t actually do anything bad when I was young, so I won’t do bad things now. And that I don’t need to be smashed into being able to express all my feelings. And that it’s actually more important for me to struggle along looking at every minute detail of why I can’t express them, feeling myself coming painstakingly slowly up against each barrier, rubbing along it, seeing and feeling it for what it is - being it, fully acknowledging that I am this way.
And lately I’ve come to understand that I no longer need to be plunged down into my trauma to reconnect with it, that in a way I am just in it all the time; always in my state of shock, fear, pain and misery and anger about it, but it’s as if it doesn’t matter anymore. It is the truth of my wrongness and yet it’s also okay; it is how I am, and although on one level I feel all these bad feelings, deeper within me I feel so much better about myself.
I see now that I needed extreme experiences to keep plunging me down into my yuk, and with each plunge I would stay down a little longer working through the layers, and now I’ve sort of sunk to the bottom, or perhaps I’m bouncing long it, and days pass and more stuff comes up and we work through it, and on it goes, and it’s sort of as if it’s all levelling out. I probably sound all rather vague and abstract but about 95% of what I’m going thought I wouldn’t know how to put into words. I struggle away for hours trying to explain and bring it out to Marion as she too works from her side on and with me.
So what I’m trying to say is that I needed to suffer traumas to reconnect with my traumas, which is what you’re saying too. And nothing very dramatic or big happened like getting smashed up in a car crash, it was all small personal things, like seeing the wallaby get hit by the car or the duck run over (still hugely terrible things in themselves); and such things keyed into my core trauma making me feel like it was the end of the world. Now I don’t feel so vulnerable. And I’ve not seen another horrible thing like that for some time as I’ve not needed it to plunge me down because I feel like I’m more in touch with being down - I’m constantly down in my trauma; or perhaps it’s constantly up in me. Does any of that make any sense?, I’m probably rambling on again.
I feel crosseyed with tiredness. I spent the afternoon watering about fifty native plants from the Bush Bank native nursery where I volunteer that someone had planted at the cemetery lake. It was a shoddy planting, not down with the plants in mind, and then it’s been very dry this spring with two abnormally hot days so they plants had nearly expired. And I wouldn’t say that I’m the fittest specimen of mankind, so it was hard labour having to shore up the plants and take the time with the bucket to give them all a good soaking.
But I love the lake, it was bone dry in some places last summer, then it filled up, then with a little warmth in the water and I can’t believe my eyes each time I go back there. The water plants and all the little water creatures are just magically appearing as if out of the water itself - which they probably are. It’s showing me again just how vital and energy-packed and wanting to grow and thrive and express itself, nature is. I’m staggered by the beauty. I wish it were my own private lake and I could just sit by it and watch what goes on in the water whenever I felt like it. I loved all the water and lushness in country England, the little I saw of it, all the lakes, ponds, rivers and streams. We have so few out here as you probably know. You asked me to write more about nature, not exactly what you had in mind I dare say; however I just love the two lakes I visit regularly, I can’t get enough of them. It’s my own private world out there with the birds and fish and all the plants and water bugs. I wish I could just merge with them, become or at least feel the spirit of them more. I still feel on the outside of nature, yet I long to be absorbed by it. But still I know it’s all part of my wanting to escape my bad feelings; yet still it’s what I wanted to do when I was young but didn’t have the wherewithal or means to do it. I only had my little tank of fish-people and a few aquatic plants and the baby turtles - now I want a whole massive lake of it all!
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 11, 2015 20:45:41 GMT 10
Thanks for all you have wrote James, your experiences help me so much to feel about my own. I loved reading about your time at the bush bank and the lake and Yes, we have so much places of water and nature, ponds and lakes over here and it is very easy to spend time there as we are a small Island and it is easy to get to be in nature, nothing being that far away, I can get to the sea in 40 minutes or into the country side in five. I feel that Nature is the only place I can find any truth as more and more people try to tell me how wrong I am and try to pull me back into their denial and repression, this week I have spoken to people that come into the shop and ask me things but feel sorry for me and tell me that I am being to hard on myself and that of course we were loved, all trying to take me away from truth, just as my parents always did. I can say no more to them, I have spoken truth, as they have asked me for my opinion, I have given it and they then deny me, themselves, truth and God. My energy goes instantly as it did with Mum and Dad, it is Futile to continue, they want me to stay in denial so they can too, and I wont be a part of that and I wont fight to convince them, but I also wont panda to them in fear of being rejected. When I go into nature I feel truth and see it all existing without the intention to fight or be in conflict with each other, it has so much to offer me, sometimes I cry with what I feel from it.
I am still deep in my healing with the "Cat Day". I am answering Marion's questions to and so much has been revealed about shame and guilt as to why I felt the cat died for me. I am still seeing its contorted body and face looking at me and it just floods me with grief, pain and tears, so I carry on expressing all I need to until I no longer feel this way when the cats image comes back to me, I know there is still more to come but I am so grateful.
Thank you to you both for your support, love to you and Marion. xxx
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Post by James on Oct 13, 2015 17:14:48 GMT 10
And thank you Sam for sharing what you do and for your support. It makes me want to keep going posting on the forum. Most of this I'm sure you know, but I felt like putting here anyway.
Trying to live false perfection
Marion was saying that as we realise our imperfection it goes, leaving our perfection - the realising being the seeing of the truth of it.
But our trouble is that we’ve all been made to believe we should be perfect, but it’s a false perfection, the perfection imposed on us by our parents and the world. So we contrive what is good believing it is right when it’s all actually wrong and bad for us. So to maintain our false good and false perfection, we stop ourselves from feeling the truth of our wrongness. And if we did allow ourselves to feel it, then we’d come to see that in fact our false perfection is imperfect, and our wrongly believed imperfect true selves are perfect, this being what happens as the truth comes to light and our falseness falls away.
So we have been created true and perfect, and with the potential of becoming untrue and imperfect. And we can choose to go against ourselves, which is what we do as we’re brutalised into our wrongness by our parents. They impose their corrupt and unloving wills on us, and we fight and resist as best we can, but being a child we can’t compete, so eventually in whatever ways - which we all have to see for ourselves through our healing - we take it upon ourselves to do as they say, to do as we’re told, thereby using our will to override our true and natural spontaneity, using our mind to subdue our true feeling-expression.
So our False Teachers, coming from the Evil Ones (the original rebellious spirits - and angels carrying out the spirits commands) through our family lines to our parents, tell us our natural feelings are wrong and bad, and we are wrong and bad for having them. And that if we follow them and be as they are and do as they say, then we’ll be ‘good’ and not bad and only good things will happen and we’ll be loved and praised and treated with respect and we’ll be able to get on and be successful in the world. So we have to get rid of the ‘animal’ in us, all those true inclinations and natural intuitive feelings, because animals are bad and not naturally good and lower than us higher, more refined sophisticated humans.
And it’s interesting that so far with everyone on the forum, a whole three people out of the billions of humanity, we all share and feel and are living the same truth that nature is not bad, that it is good, and that we’re the ones who are bad.
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Post by wesley on Oct 30, 2015 6:16:16 GMT 10
Was Verna there? Was I a child in longing? Two of the many thoughts I had going through my spirit a week ago. I would like to tell of my experience with the chipmunks we have that run back and forth outside of my house. First the chipmunks were always at battle with me. I would come outside and if they are in the area they would run squeaking in anger with me going about my business. Until one day I spoke to them. I said "hey I have to come outside it's your fault that your angry with me I'm not going to harm you ". This was months ago. Adding to my encounter with the chipmunks my brother said once how I used to play with the insect world when I was a child. Most particularly with the bees. I remember there was so many then that I sat amongst them and let them land on my fingers and hands. I've been stung but once or twice but not the majority of the time. We also had a park event and went to a place called Valley Forge. We ran through the field that day playing when one of my cousins step on a bee hive. And all of a sudden everyone of my cousins were screaming and slapping. As we all got out of the field the cries of bee stings were everywhere. I stood there saying to myself that I didn't receive a single sting. But feeling left out I said I have gotten stung also. But since I didn't I couldn't believe what happened. Now to the present. A couple of days ago I decided to walk to the store. I left out the door and there in my direct path was a chipmunk. As I walk down the sidewalk intuitively I noticed that she didn't take off right away. As she usually does. I said to myself hmm. Getting brave huh. At that last moment she then departed but not angrily as the usual encounter. Now later on that day coming back from the store she was directly in front of my path again. I said wow two close encounters in one day very odd setting up the third encounter. Which I was not expecting that day. I came out and sat on step. And low and behold she came out into the yard. Hmm pretty brave. She didn't mind me being there. And now here was then her decision. Her little hole was hand length from where I was sitting. I seen she wanted to go in. She turned directly towards me and little steps at first darted into it. Practically at tip of my shoe. Wow! But what happened next was more than I could and can comprehend. I laughed and smiled at her bravery. Then a few minutes I saw her peeking up at me. She wanted to come back out. She reared her head and I stayed still and quiet for her comfort. To my surprise and bewilderment she came out of her hole and sat there. Right next to me. I barely can describe the emotional state in words. She actually sat right beside me. I seen her shivering like a leaf in the wind but to my amazement she actually became perfectly calm. I was thinking I wish I had a camera to take this picture. We looked at each other eye to eye for seemingly like 5 minutes. With all her fear seems like she had to feel mine pain inside of me. She was putting her life on the line and fears to sit beside me. The most incredible feeling I had ever had. I couldn't stop wondering what had just happened. Was Verna there perhaps? Me and the chipmunk side by side I could have touch her little head we were so close. What a JOY!! I'm still in awe as I write this. It sits perfectly with all of my pain and bad feelings. My eyes wept as she trembled in fear beside me to become perfectly calm. Never I thought that would happen. Nature is so perfect in its understanding of many more things that will take many years to grasp. A memorable day for me to say the least.
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Post by James on Oct 31, 2015 20:05:42 GMT 10
Beautiful Wes. And as far as Verna being there... From what she’s said the nature spirits are always involved in whatever we do with nature. And having written that, and not having spoken with her for ages, I can feel her pushing to say a few words.
Verna: No Wesley, it wasn’t me, I am only attending to James. However you have a band our my kind with you, as all of you who are doing your healing do and will have, because nature, as you have said in your post, is to play a large part in all of your lives. As you understand Wesley, you need nature to be giving you certain feelings, and many good ones along with helping you to feel your repressed bad ones; and with it being true and perfect you can’t ever blame it, so you know that if there is something wrong in your relationship with it, it will be from your end and not nature’s.
Your chipmunks are to help you feel that someone is not afraid of you, that the most vulnerable feels good with you, that someone likes being with you whilst asking nothing from you. And for you to help you feel unconditional love; and for you to know that you are not a bad man, that you have love in your heart and that under the right conditions you are not afraid to express it. And that you’ve been loving, only you were never allowed to express it as much as you’d have liked to, all because your parents weren’t as loving to you as you needed them to be.
And you simply responded with your feelings to your chipmunk friends who are also responding with their feelings, also to show you that a feeling-led life will be one full of unexpected good surprises, and one that is far more unpredictable and yet can also be far more enjoyable than a life controlled by the mind.
And that through your feelings you, as can anyone, relate easily to nature, and that when nature feels it doesn’t have to be wary or afraid of you, then it can relax and be with you, accepting you as part of nature - which you are whilst you live in your physical body on Earth, which so many people fail to understand.
You both need each other, you are not meant to conquer or subdue it, that is all wrong and will only lead to it fearing you. You are to live harmoniously together, and the more you heal yourself and come to respect yourself - respect all you feel, then the more you’ll respect it and it will feel that too and so respond in kind. Like attracts like, so your experience with your little chipmunk friend is also to help you see you are progressing, you are changing, and for the better.
And there is nothing more you need do with nature than just be true to yourself and express all you feel... and enjoy being together. Our love to you Wesley - Verna.
Today I felt crunched and crushed in being so crunched. So scared, so scared - always so scared. I could hardly move, and what’s the point, there’s nothing to live for, it’s all so pointless, so hopeless, I’m so scared that all I’ve got - what little I’ve got - will be taken away from me at any moment. I’ll smash the car, someone will break in and steal my computer and all Marion’s new crystal rings; nothing that is good will I be able to keep, nothing good ever happens to me, and even if it does, it gets taken away, even good feelings are quickly taken away and I feel bad again. So there’s no point to my life, no reason to exist, it doesn’t make it feel good - I don’t feel good; I’ve not wanted to go out into life and work, earn money, buy things, all because what’s the point because it would all just go, I’d have to give it all away, it would all be taken from me in some way, so there’s no point even starting. And I can’t start for as soon as I do I know I’m going to get smashed in the face, still I’m scared of as soon as I get the nice thing - the Easter Eggs at kinda - I’m going to have them taken from me by having my face smashed in by the half-brick thrown at me the boy who wants them. I can’t have them, still I’m traumatised about it from all those years ago and it was simply an expression from the world of how mum and dad treated me. They were always throwing bricks in my face and taking everything from me - NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT, STOP IT - SMASH! WE’VE TOLD YOU, YOU ARE NOT TO HAVE IT - they take it from me. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT FEELING - SMASH, WE’VE TOLD YOU, YOU CAN’T FEEL THAT WAY, STOP IT! Right from the beginning in the womb it’s been the same and I fear it so much and I’m so scared so I can’t do anything because I know the smash is coming and everything will be taken from me. And I can’t even get excited about my writing and about new people coming (eh Nols) and people reading it, because I’m scared of the smash coming and it all being taken away.
I couldn’t bear being up, what was the point, I was lying on the bed feeling like shit, feeling so scared, so crushed, so unwanted and uncared about; why bother existing, I wish I could just cease, stop it, I don’t want to keep living expecting the worst smash to come and everything, my whole life, to be taken from me. I wish it would just happen, be done with, be over, they come and take my life and I end - end feeling so bad.
What I am to do...? I reached a point of acceptance about it, I can’t deny these bad feelings any more, they are me, it’s what I’m feeling, god, at least I can live what I write, I’ve got to practice what I preach... So I gave up pretending the smash isn’t going to come, that because I’ve done so much of my healing God will reward me for being the good boy like Gran said He would, and He will look after me and not smash me, He will make sure no more bad things happen and the worst things never happen. But God allowed and wanted His perfect Son to be nailed to a cross, so fuck that, you can be true and the most perfect and still have horrible things happen to you, so there’s no escape.
So I am going to say in every moment of my life: It’s going to happen, I am going to get smashed, the worst thing is going to happen me, it’s going to happen any moment - it’s going to happen right now; and even - it IS happening. The robber is going to come in and steal everything any moment and I won’t be able to stop him, it all has to go - it will all go! And every moment when I’m driving the tree is going to fall on me, the other car crash into me, I will do something weird and crash into it; and the gas bottles will blow up, the mower will cut my foot off, I’ll cut my finger off with the knife, the baby plover will get run over just before its able to fly - whatever it is, the bad thing is going to happen, I know it will, I’m expecting it, I’m no longer trying to put off and block out my fears and pretend it’s not.
And so I will hate myself and the world as it’s only full of things that make me feel bad, and know that bad things are always going to happen to me; and even if they don’t, I’m always going to be filled with the fear that at any moment the smash and crunch will come. It will, I know it will, it’s how I feel, so fuck it, that’s how I will live the rest of my life, forevermore, because I can’t live any other way. I tried the false way of positive thinking, pretending that I’m not scared and that the bad things won’t happen, and it didn’t do me any good, fucking me up even more being so untrue, so at least now I can stop that part and just be as I am, be as my fucked parents made me be, and not fight it, not think I’m something else - not think I’m something that I’m not.
Scared, I’m so fucking scared, at any moment the smash is going to happen, I know it will, I know it, I’m expecting the worst, not the best, fuck off all you positive thinking I’m going to be as negative as I feel I am, because it is me, it’s how I am. And if people hate being with me because I’m so down and unhappy, such a miserable wretch, and I don’t make them feel good and no one laughs when they are with me and everyone hates me because I’m not making them feel good, well too fucking bad. I can’t do it anymore, and as I was never much good at it anyway, so I am giving it up, I’ll just be my depressed miserable self that everyone will hate. I hate myself being this way, but what can I do about it other than be true to it. I am it, it is me, I am depressed and miserable and nothing. So fuck it, take me or leave me as I am, but that’s the truth of me in my unloved state and so that’s what I am.
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Post by wesley on Nov 1, 2015 5:00:15 GMT 10
Yes James and Verna. That it was me that angered nature and the chipmunks against me. I can really see that now. Spending time and enjoying nature isn't the answer to nature showing all the layers of evil inside of myself it takes healing. James as you spoke later about your bad feelings here I am totally going through the same horrible fears also. As you and Samantha are still moving through them for a time now it helps me a lot. More than you'll ever know. Anything and everything can happen here in the States. As for me no day is off limits to the possibility of all taking a turn for the worst for me. I feel this every moment of the day and night. I have to bare it all and accept it. It feels like everything and everyone is against me and I am waiting for the I told you so from my parents and family members on it also. Little do they know I am in a bad and miserable state already. So their told you so,s won't have no effect or make me agree with their thoughts on life. Misery loves feeling not company. And I never like having company over as I would have to entertain them falsely through my mind which ain't going to happen. I am not letting my mind confuse me in that aspect. This is what it is to heal ourselves and not simply want it gone and taken away. We are given a path to do it ourselves. Every bad thing I ever done that was imposed on me I can heal it. That is the hardest feat to accomplish and worth the pain and suffering that we feel. It reminds me a couple of decades ago when I was into a certain soap opera on television. Where I couldn't miss an episode. It was very intense. What's going to happen next. Then one day it was over and the actors came out and introduced themselves. All those days of watching to see the climax and nothing. We'll I said to myself I'll never watch soap operas again. And if the Mother and Father would someday just heal me after all these bad feelings and wipe away the pain with there love then wouldn't they be the actors. They are definitely not that. So there ain't no moral to the story Ha ha. What's more real than bad feelings. Why do they take over. And why don't they go anywhere. James I feel this miserable life crushing in on me also and this is our journey all of us here. And on it goes until we can feel the other side of it.
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Post by James on Nov 2, 2015 21:47:40 GMT 10
As you said Wes, it helps to know other people are doing it and that it’s just as hard for them, and yet they too are making headway and feeling like they are getting somewhere. We’re not meant to do it all alone, and I hate how alone I was with my parents, and how alone I still feel even with Marion. It’s such a hard grind to wake up and fully accept that I was with these people nearly all day long and yet I was so alone and felt so unloved by them, all whilst I told myself I wasn’t alone and was loved. SCREAMING!
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 4, 2017 17:17:25 GMT 10
For the last two days I have been looking after a really tiny baby Sparrow. I was given it by a neighbour as she didn't know what to do with it. I have had so many realisations since I have been with it and the main one is that all the baby birds I have received have been Rejected by their parents. That may not sound as huge as it is. Its nature showing me the truth and its amazing. These poor little babies are thrown out by their parents and siblings for not being perfect and they are dropping them into my lap and showing me the truth of how I have been rejected, how my parents were rejected and how I have rejected my children.
Yesterday I put the chick back out in the garden and as its parents approached it, it started squawking and opening its beak to be feed and looked after. It was further rejected and its siblings attacked it and now it is just waiting to die. It hit me so hard that when we are rejected we feel like we are dying, I felt like the bird, just waiting to die, this was the terror I had felt so constantly as a child and couldn't feel it as deeply as I needed to and for most of my life have been unconscious of the fact that all of my terror throughout most of my life has been about that feeling of extinction when you feel rejected.
Yesterday I was hit by the terror I have felt all my life and why. This bird showed me the terror my children also must feel because of the rejection by myself and the rejection of their absent Fathers. I was in shock as I felt the total remorse of what I have done to them, what was done to me and what was done to my parents, all Rejected Children of emotionally and physically absent parents who didn't really want or love us. I am deeply ashamed, deeply sorry and pray to Mother and Father to help me see what I have done. God has sent me these rejected Birds to help me feel and heal the rejected child I am and how I have rejected my own children. It has showed me how in error I have been with what I call 'love' so wrong, so, so wrong. I just want to say please forgive me, I am so sorry but my children wont understand why I am saying all this to them, they see me as a great Mum but this, I now know, is wrong and I now see so much of my rejection and the remorse that runs through me is unbearable.
I sat and cried about the fact that, and I can barely bring myself to write this, God I don't want to, I am trying to accept it about myself but it is such a resistance in me to believe it is true, I HAVEN'T LOVED MY CHILDREN (Shit the pain to write that, the shame, I am feeling like a very bad child right now who has told a huge lie and had to admit it to her parents). I still cant write it as I should do, I still cant write down the true words, they are stuck inside me and I cant bring myself to say it and I will ask God to help me accept the truth by feeling it more. These Baby birds that keep coming to me are showing me the truth when we reject our children we are slowly killing them and I see it in the World, I see it in my Parents, I see it in my Children and I see it in Myself.
Please Mother and Father help me to accept the truth of my feelings, help to bring them up in me so I can feel the truth of my error. Please God be with me as I accept this terror of being so rejected and going on to reject my own children. Please Mary be with me with your Spirit of Truth, show me the way to the truth of how I feel. I need you all so much right now, please be with me, my whole spirit band help me feel this please. I feel so helpless, so weak, I cant do this alone, I don't want to do this alone and I know you want this for me. I feel so desperate, so pathetic and so despicable. I pray with all of my heart for your support and love. I want this out of me and can only do that by feeling the truth and I need your help, I am your child.
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Post by LOK11 on Jun 4, 2017 23:04:09 GMT 10
My ideas are sometime bizarre - even to me - but still......
If we didn't reject our children as you say, how could they ever consider healing while alive on Earth? When would the change begin?
If the feeling of love (real or not) is sufficient to satiate their inherent needs as they grow up with us, (or, had it been your parents - your needs), how, or better - why, will they stop what they are doing in their lives in order to feel their real feelings about anything, especially the love of their parents or improper negative love? - or even why they feel as they do? If they are 'Happy and Loved' why will they look away?
It feels to me that, for me, I have been sufficiently callous, self-centered and unloving that my children have questioned my value as a parent for years (decades maybe???). And yet, I still feel that I love them? Words are a difficulty I find, for the LOVE word is difficult and sometimes can mean contrary to what you expect or 'feel'. Interestingly, this feeling of separation allows me to look at how wonderful they, my children, really are, able to find their own way in the world and maybe, if they all have children of their own, I may be able to help reflect some of the ideals I am coming to accept from the understandings I gain here to them and their children.
I simply accept that how that feels, that is how it is for me and all the feelings that I feel that go along with that. I do not feel compelled to go any further in truth or whatever with that.....it just IS a part of me. It neither feels bad nor good, it just is. I don't feel like I'm necessarily suppressing anything that I feel about it, but then, maybe I am.....maybe I don't want to look at that any deeper? It doesn't feel like that right now.
I'll let you both reflect on that and comment as you see fit please.
I'll be brutally honest and say that I hope that my words, weirdly, might brings you some Solace Sam.
Maybe it's all meant to unfold this way.................
L
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Post by James on Jun 5, 2017 19:32:13 GMT 10
Sam:
Yes Sam, it’s hellishly hard having to accept that you don’t feel loved and so don’t and can’t love. And to feel that you are being snuffed out with each rejection, for that is the truth, we are being killed by not being able to express our loving natures, just like this little bird is being killed unable to express its natural love. Feeling you are being extinguished, annihilated, that you’ll cease to be, and all because nobody cares about you, nobody wants you, nobody loves you, is at the crux or heart of our despair, as it is the cause of all our bad feelings.
And to have to see and admit and feel that you don’t love your children, well that must be very difficult, something I’ve not experienced, nor would I want to. I can extrapolate such feelings, feeling how unloved I felt by mum and dad, but I can’t begin to know what it might feel like rejecting, depriving and ‘killing’ my own children.
And you’ll progressively move into accepting it, bringing out all the pain and anguish, feeling guilting, and then feeling absolved of the guilt because you couldn’t help it, it is as you are, and none of us can help how we are. However, that can only come after you’ve first fully accepted how bad you are.
Lokii:
If we didn’t reject our children, then they’d feel perfectly loved and wouldn’t have to do their Healing - they’d have nothing to heal. We only need to heal ourselves because we feel unloved. So in a perfect world feeling loved, we’d still have to uncover the truth of feeling loved, but that would be in a good-feeling way, seeing why we’re so loved, how it all came to be, how we took it on from our parents and loved ourselves, our partner, our children - it’s all the same, we’re only doing the negative of it.
And if feeling loved, something happened to make them feel bad, they’d naturally express those feelings, and then they’d be gone and their truth seen, and without any dent to their loving good feelings. And those bad feelings wouldn’t be connecting with the person’s deeper repressed bad feelings because they wouldn’t have the repressed ones in them.
In the second part of your post Lokii, concerning your love for your children, and you ending the post by hoping it helps Sam, gives me the feeling still that you’re hoping she is wrong, and are not accepting of her feelings that she doesn’t love her children.
Sam is moving much deeper into herself now, connecting with the real guts of her whole truth of her unloving state, and can’t be compared in any way, nor really commented on, until you’ve been down on that level within yourself. And if she makes you feel scared or threatens you Lokii in some way, then those are good bad feelings for you to embrace. For she should threaten you, she should make everyone feel threatened who is not living the truth that she is now embracing, for it’s horrifying and what no one wants to admit and accept: that they don’t love their children, and all because they weren’t loved.
Most people do love their children and were loved to some degree by their parents, however within that love there is also unlovingness. And it’s the unloving parts that we need to connect with and express. And if it turns out that all of it was unloving, so be it, but you can’t and won’t know that until you’ve worked through it all uncovering the truth of the unloving and loving parts.
But as Sam is now doing, focusing solely on the bad stuff, the worst, the pain of feeling unloving and unloved, all the rest of the good stuff can be put aside as it will only get in the way of the really bad stuff, which is the poison that needs to come out.
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